Have you ever felt "cherished?"

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

So when I say I feel cherished it is because dh is like this. I don't have the same negative feelings about the word cherish. It holds no feelings of helplessness attached to it in my mind. 

This is to everyone, where does that definition interpretation come from? I just think of it as holding something dear to them.

 

I don’t really know where that connotation comes from, but it was definitely there since I was a teenager. My mother had a very romanticized view of relationships but I have a very pragmatic view. 
 

I mean, if I go way back to my teen years, I remember there was this sycophantic guy who wanted to date me. He literally would call my *mom* and say, “Miss Carol, what do I need to do to get Danielle to go out with me?” And my mom was always saying, “Oh, he just thinks the word of you. He would put you on a pedestal; he worships the ground you walk on. You should at least consider it…” But I did not *want* to be on a pedestal; I didn’t want someone worshiping the ground I walked on. I wanted someone who would be an equal partner to me. “Cherish” doesn’t sound like an equal partner. It just sounds needy to me. 
 

I will say, though, HJ, some of the things you have described over the years does cause me to feel like I’m missing out on something good. 

[JustEm]

17 minutes ago, Quill said:

I don’t really know where that connotation comes from, but it was definitely there since I was a teenager. My mother had a very romanticized view of relationships but I have a very pragmatic view. 
 

I mean, if I go way back to my teen years, I remember there was this sycophantic guy who wanted to date me. He literally would call my *mom* and say, “Miss Carol, what do I need to do to get Danielle to go out with me?” And my mom was always saying, “Oh, he just thinks the word of you. He would put you on a pedestal; he worships the ground you walk on. You should at least consider it…” But I did not *want* to be on a pedestal; I didn’t want someone worshiping the ground I walked on. I wanted someone who would be an equal partner to me. “Cherish” doesn’t sound like an equal partner. It just sounds needy to me. 
 

I will say, though, HJ, some of the things you have described over the years does cause me to feel like I’m missing out on something good. 

Eww gross, I wouldn't want to be cherished either if that is what it was. That is creepy and I knew guys like this in college, they were not appealing to me. I could only feel cherished(my definition) in an equal partnership. For as much as dh does for me I do for him. Not out of obligation just out of want.

I'm sorry that my words have ever made you feel like you're missing out. I hope you know my intention has never been to make anyone feel negative or sad. Just sharing and learning continually here.

Edited January 26, 2022 by hjffkj

[Frances]

6 hours ago, regentrude said:

I feel loved an appreciated, but the word "cherished" would never be how I'd describe it, and the bolded seems a very strange thing to me.
My DH likes to spend time with me. I can't think of a better companion for my outdoor adventures. We each support each other. We each choose to do some tasks for our joint life that the other doesn't enjoy as much. We have a great marriage.
But to "do certain things, day in day out, just to show he cares?" Nope, not how either of us operate.

Same here. My FIL used to basically wait on my MIL, coffee in bed every day, making food to order anytime she was hungry, basically responding to almost every mood and whim. I’m guessing this made my MIL feel cherished. I loved my FIL dearly and really, really liked him, but I would never want my husband to emulate him. That is not the type of marriage I was looking for. It honestly made my uncomfortable just to witness it. And when my FIL got terminal cancer, not surprisingly, she made it almost all about herself. I don’t think she is a narcissist, just extremely self-focused. And she found a husband who catered to her every wish.

I do feel deeply loved and respected by my husband, my mom, and my son. That is what matters to me in a close relationship, not doing certain things day in and day out just to show they care.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Frances

[annandatje]

Yes, I do indeed feel cherished.  When my husband and I had to stop by hospitalized mentally ill sister's apartment to take care of things after she was taken to hospital by ambulance, he told me to go work on other tasks while he cleaned up all the feces mess on furniture, floors and wall.

I feel cherished by my children who actually like hanging out with me.  The one who lives locally often runs errands for me when I have zero excuse for not handling myself simply because she thinks I should relax more.

I have never quite knew exactly what "cherish" translated to in real life, but I have a network of emotionally supportive husband, children, sister and friends.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Eww gross, I wouldn't want to be cherished either if that is what it was. That is creepy and I knew guys like this in college, they were not appealing to me. I could only feel cherished(my definition) in an equal partnership. For as much as she does for me I do for him. Not out of obligation just out of want.

I'm sorry that my words have ever made you feel like you're missing out. I hope you know my intention has never been to make anyone feel negative or sad. Just sharing and learning continually here.

No, no don’t apologize for that! I am happy you have such an attentive partner. You’ve just said many things over the years that makes me think, “Wow. That would be nice.” But I’m not, I don’t know…bitter or anything, because I don’t have that. I just accept that there are things I would like to have but don’t. 
 

I do think parental relationships inform partner relationships down the road. In my FOO, I felt mostly neglected and unimportant - the overlooked middle child stereotype in a big family. I was a “good” kid and strong in academics and didn’t need a lot of parental intervention so it seemed my parents just put me on autopilot. My mother very rarely did some thoughtful thing just for me. My dad never did. So I guess I learned that the only one who would care about meeting my needs was me. Anyone else who might manage it was gravy. 

[lmrich]

The idea of being cherished reminds of my dh's grandmother. My kids felt loved by Nana. I swear sometimes she did not remember your name, but she loved you and you could feel it. 

[QueenCat]

I am cherished by dh, as is he by me. 

[Drama Llama]

DH’s grandfather has this amazing ability to make the people he loves feel seen.

One thing he does is he goes to visit his wife’s grave and then he comes back and tells us what he told her.  It sounds silly but my kids light up when he says things like “I saw your Grandma Molly today.  I told her, you should see our DS11, I swear he gets taller every time I blink, our poor Baseball&Hockey has to go to the shoe store every two weeks to keep up with those feet, but you know I think she doesn’t mind.  She looks so proud when he flies up and down the basketball court!” 

When I was a newlywed, and pregnant with a child conceived outside marriage, I remember going to my IL’s and getting lectured by my MIL about something I was doing wrong or that she was worried I wouldn’t do right and during the lecture Pop turned to DH’s kid brother and said “Did I tell you I saw your Grandma today?  I told her “Molly, that little baby that DH and B&H are having is going to be so cute!  Our B&H showed me this little outfit she bought, so tiny and so yellow!  You will love it!  It had ducklings!  What could be cuter than a baby wearing ducklings?”  

It sounds so silly, but in a moment I went from feeling like an unwanted outsider to someone’s beloved family member.  

[DreamerGirl]

43 minutes ago, Quill said:

But I did not *want* to be on a pedestal; I didn’t want someone worshiping the ground I walked on. I wanted someone who would be an equal partner to me. “Cherish” doesn’t sound like an equal partner. It just sounds needy to me. 

Hmmm...the British English I grew up in used cherish as cherish the moments or cherish the memory, cherish family or cherish children. All invoke feelings of something loving and deeply valued.

The vows in the Anglican Church for the man says 'love, cherish and protect'.

Now for me protect meant being put on a pedestal, treated like a china doll with no agency of my own, just sit there and be the pretty woman and shut up, The man will take care of you. The opposite of protect was submit/obey for the female so both DH and I were vehemently opposed to protect/submit/obey. 

So protect had all the connotations of what you are describing. Cherished seemed to be an addendum to the love part than the protect part. 

My view of cherish is directly taken from the vows to interesting to see a completely different view of wanting something similar. 😁. 

[Kassia]

@Baseballandhockeywhat sweet stories of your DH's grandfather.  He sounds like such a special person and it's not silly at all that you felt like part of the family because of him.  

Edited January 26, 2022 by Kassia

[regentrude]

31 minutes ago, DreamerGirl said:

The vows in the Anglican Church for the man says 'love, cherish and protect'.

Now for me protect meant being put on a pedestal, treated like a china doll with no agency of my own, just sit there and be the pretty woman and shut up, The man will take care of you. The opposite of protect was submit/obey for the female so both DH and I were vehemently opposed to protect/submit/obey. 

So protect had all the connotations of what you are describing. Cherished seemed to be an addendum to the love part than the protect part. 

Interesting that you'd say that. I asked DH just now what connotations "cherish" has for him, and to him it implies putting the women on a pedestal and a male/female asymmetry. He has no interest in "cherishing" that way.

[Clarita]

I think I've had bad cherished and good cherished. 

I've had boys/men in my life who put me on this pedestal where I didn't belong. Saying things like "If you were my wife you would never have to lift a finger I would give you everything, blah blah blah." Showers of flowers, jewelry, heart shaped chocolates. On the other hand they also made sure to know where I was and what I was doing all the time "So they could pick me up and escort me to all the places." Ultimately they usually ended up in a place where I 'm not sure they actually like me as much as they liked some fantasy idea of me.

I ended up marrying my husband who cherishes me but also expects me to pull my own weight. Yes he tucks me in at night, gives me a big hug when he knows I've done something out of my comfort zone, showers me with ice-cream, but he also thinks I'm capable of pulling my own weight and actually contributing to the world. When he introduces me, the first thing he tells people about why his wife is so wonderful is because she is brilliant and capable. I'm so lucky to have him. 

[DreamerGirl]

10 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Interesting that you'd say that. I asked DH just now what connotations "cherish" has for him, and to him it implies putting the women on a pedestal and a male/female asymmetry. He has no interest in "cherishing" that way.

Hmm...since DH and I would not take the standard vows and we could not write our own or wing it, we had to use certain words that would be used to convey what we wanted as it was the Anglican church after all. For instance, we could not list all the things we wanted like value, respect.

The alternative to cherish that was offered was honor. It would have been love and  honor or love and cherish. I don't remember exactly what the synonyms were but it did not encompass the qualities we wanted.

Our most important fight was for taking out protect/obey/submit and also incorporate what values we wanted as part of our vows. Cherish was the word that seemed to fit the most of what we wanted and also was archaic enough to fit the vows in an Anglican Church. 

So love and cherish it was for us.

[BlsdMama]

5 hours ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I was thinking about this the other day, in the context of a conversation I was having with my husband. (It was a perfectly pleasant, not personal conversation.) I commented that, although I have never been a woman who expects or even wants things done for me that I can do for myself just because I happen to be the woman, I have occasionally wondered what it would feel like to know your partner cherishes you enough to do certain things for you, day in and day out, just to show you they care.

I realized I was kind of in trouble mid-way through the sentence, in danger of hurting my husband's feelings and making myself cry, neither of which I remotely intended. I hastened to clarify that I understood I had never given him the slightest hint that I would want to be treated that way and that I probably didn't, that I was just conducting a thought experiment. And we were off on the next topic.

But that question has kind of stuck with me: What would it be like to feel cherished? To really feel that another person considers you precious?

So, tell me, is that something any of you have experienced? If so, what prompts that feeling?

I have always been wildly independent. DH admired that and he loved it about me. I came up with ideas and if he wanted in, all the better. But if he wasn’t up for making soap, staining the basement floor, refinishing a piece of furniture, or removing the sod from a garden that measured 100’ x 30’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ then I just did it - generally with a half dozen or more kids as my sidekick. It was great. He either joined in or supported, but he never suggested I wasn’t able or strong enough or anything else. I loved it. But the flip side of that was that I didn’t do weak, meek, or slow so that need to guard me or protect me or help me wasn’t something we nurtured, you know?

 My total need to be seen as competent was met… but precious? Guarded? I found it largely unnecessary… So because it felt unnecessary, it wasn’t done, kwim?

I do not love the dynamic that has developed - him waiting on me, seeking constant ways to guard me, help me, etc., but I do feel deeply cared for. It is definitely rubbing off. We had friends over Friday night and so we sat in two different areas. My son (7) refused to get seconds on potatoes until he checked if Mom wanted more. 😉 That came from my husband. I’ve noticed my two older sons, especially the oldest one, has become far more protective - opening doors, hands on my back when I get in my van. It’s very different than the way things were… so maybe I notice it more?

 But, when the diagnosis was pending… I was walking out of Costco one day when a man fell in front of me. He was very obviously ALS - gaunt, couldn’t speak, Vietnam Vet hat. I helped him into a wheel chair and my eyes locked on his. It wasn’t pity. It was understanding. I wanted to nod and say, “Me too,” but I didn’t dare. His caregiver, God, please not his wife, rolled her eyes, and said, “He does this all the time.” I was so angry and horrified AT HER, I left. I called my husband in the parking lot, bawling so hard I could barely speak. He thought there had been an accident… And I thanked him because I knew he would never, ever, EVER treat me so dismissively.
 

It stuck with me and it must have stuck with him too because I remember the first few times I had to have my teen daughters get a cart for me or return a cart and he’d double check that they didn’t push back at helping (I can’t imagine they ever would) but my DS (then about 13/14) did once refuse to go get me a cart once. He was young and I was trying to be reasonable but I had zero way to leave my van unless he got it… and I pulled the card and said, “God help you if I should have to call your Dad or your Grandpa and tell them why I’m driving back home right now…” Because either one of them would have handled that with zero tolerance - you help those that need help and you do it with Grace. 
 

The most “fun” change of this has been (TMI) neurogenic bladder. It’s a rare occurrence, but there are times when I don’t notice my bladder is full. Then when I realize it, there is a race to the bathroom. They think maybe bladder spasms? But I cannot quickly get from the chair to the potty. Just doing the pivot turns to be facing the right direction is hard and I insist on taking myself as long as I physically can. The bathroom help is the worst part of this and about two weeks ago I had an accident, at 44 years old, in front of the potty. What an absolute mess. I can clean up nothing myself. I’m trying not to cry. I’m absolutely humiliated. I hate this damn disease and I’m not a big fan of this traitorous body. But my husband comes in, finds me in tears, finds a giant puddle, and says, “I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not a big deal. It takes two minutes to clean up.” Yeah, right. I remember you gagging over changing diapers sometimes. 😂 Mother of a dozen of your children, remember?! 
 

I never expected him to be this guy. I never expected to be this woman. I never saw this being our dynamic. I think my changes brought out the best parts of him that always existed but I didn’t nurture in him either? Plus I liked being competent and he respected that.  There are some facets of this journey we are on that I am very grateful for… feeling precious has been one of them. ♥️ 

Edited January 26, 2022 by BlsdMama

[cintinative]

I didn't read the other responses.

This is my example of when I felt cherished.

During the pandemic, my kids and dh were visiting his family while I remained behind with my brother's family. 

My birthday falls on the same week as my youngest son's, my mom's, and Father's Day. I never get a birthday celebration (mostly because there is still cake from everything else).  

On my birthday with them, I got to pick dinner and they made me a pan of brownies.  It was just for me.  I felt loved and valued. That's what I think of when I think of being cherished--being loved and valued.

[East Coast Sue]

15 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I have always been wildly independent. DH admired that and he loved it about me. I came up with ideas and if he wanted in, all the better. But if he wasn’t up for making soap, staining the basement floor, refinishing a piece of furniture, or removing the sod from a garden that measured 100’ x 30’ 🤷🏼‍♀️ then I just did it - generally with a half dozen or more kids as my sidekick. It was great. He either joined in or supported, but he never suggested I wasn’t able or strong enough or anything else. I loved it. But the flip side of that was that I didn’t do weak, meek, or slow so that need to guard me or protect me or help me wasn’t something we nurtured, you know?

 My total need to be seen as competent was met… but precious? Guarded? I found it largely unnecessary… So because it felt unnecessary, it wasn’t done, kwim?

I do not love the dynamic that has developed - him waiting on me, seeking constant ways to guard me, help me, etc., but I do feel deeply cared for. It is definitely rubbing off. We had friends over Friday night and so we sat in two different areas. My son (7) refused to get seconds on potatoes until he checked if Mom wanted more. 😉 That came from my husband. I’ve noticed my two older sons, especially the oldest one, has become far more protective - opening doors, hands on my back when I get in my van. It’s very different than the way things were… so maybe I notice it more?

 But, when the diagnosis was pending… I was walking out of Costco one day when a man fell in front of me. He was very obviously ALS - gaunt, couldn’t speak, Vietnam Vet hat. I helped him into a wheel chair and my eyes locked on his. It wasn’t pity. It was understanding. I wanted to nod and say, “Me too,” but I didn’t dare. His caregiver, God, please not his wife, rolled her eyes, and said, “He does this all the time.” I was so angry and horrified AT HER, I left. I called my husband in the parking lot, bawling so hard I could barely speak. He thought there had been an accident… And I thanked him because I knew he would never, ever, EVER treat me so dismissively.
 

It stuck with me and it must have stuck with him too because I remember the first few times I had to have my teen daughters get a cart for me or return a cart and he’d double check that they didn’t push back at helping (I can’t imagine they ever would) but my DS (then about 13/14) did once refuse to go get me a cart once. He was young and I was trying to be reasonable but I had zero way to leave my van unless he got it… and I pulled the card and said, “God help you if I should have to call your Dad or your Grandpa and tell them why I’m driving back home right now…” Because either one of them would have handled that with zero tolerance - you help those that need help and you do it with Grace. 
 

The most “fun” change of this has been (TMI) neurogenic bladder. It’s a rare occurrence, but there are times when I don’t notice my bladder is full. Then when I realize it, there is a race to the bathroom. They think maybe bladder spasms? But I cannot quickly get from the chair to the potty. Just doing the pivot turns to be facing the right direction is hard and I insist on taking myself as long as I physically can. The bathroom help is the worst part of this and about two weeks ago I had an accident, at 44 years old, in front of the potty. What an absolute mess. I can clean up nothing myself. I’m trying not to cry. I’m absolutely humiliated. I hate this damn disease and I’m not a big fan of this traitorous body. But my husband comes in, finds me in tears, finds a giant puddle, and says, “I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not a big deal. It takes two minutes to clean up.” Yeah, right. I remember you gagging over changing diapers sometimes. 😂 Mother of a dozen of your children, remember?! 
 

I never expected him to be this guy. I never expected to be this woman. I never saw this being our dynamic. I think my changes brought out the best parts of him that always existed but I didn’t nurture in him either? Plus I liked being competent and he respected that.  There are some facets of this journey we are on that I am very grateful for… feeling precious has been one of them. ♥️ 

This is perhaps the most beautiful depiction  of a cherished wife & mom. It warms my heart. Thank you for sharing. Bless you.

[Kassia]

@BlsdMamayes, thank you for sharing.  ❤️

[Guest]

Thank you so much for sharing those stories, @BlsdMama. So much of what you wrote about how the dynamic was is just like my marriage. You are indeed a blessed mama. 

[JennyD]

39 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

But my husband comes in, finds me in tears, finds a giant puddle, and says, “I don’t know what the big deal is. It’s not a big deal. It takes two minutes to clean up.”

This is one of the most loving things I've ever read.  It actually brought tears to my eyes.  What a wonderful husband you have, BlsdMama. 

 

[plaidpants]

I've been thinking about this.

I suppose, to me, there is a difference between loved and beloved, with cherished being a synonym for the latter. My mom loves me, but I'm not beloved by anyone, I don't think. It's not a commentary on realness or value or amount of love, but there's a something 'else' to beloved.

[Janeway]

Sometimes, I go to my car and my husband has filled it up with gas the night before. This always makes me feel really cherished. there’s other things too but that’s a biggie for me. It’s the little things that really make a difference.

there’s actually a lot my husband is done. He has put in a lot of time doing yardwork in such at my parents house. He also is doing a ton for Scouts too. 
 

I don’t feel like I do as much as I should though.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Janeway

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, Clarita said:

 

I ended up marrying my husband who cherishes me but also expects me to pull my own weight. Yes he tucks me in at night, gives me a big hug when he knows I've done something out of my comfort zone, showers me with ice-cream, but he also thinks I'm capable of pulling my own weight and actually contributing to the world. When he introduces me, the first thing he tells people about why his wife is so wonderful is because she is brilliant and capable. I'm so lucky to have him. 

Yes, to me it doesn't imply thinking the one cherished is weak, not at all. My father cherishes my mother - talks about how beautiful she is, how much he loves her, does little things to make her happy like bring her a chocolate bar when he is out, etc. But he also talks about how strong she is, and you know that he is in awe of that just as much. 

[1234]

Dh makes me feel cherished a lot of the time. I often thinks he knows me better than I know myself because he’ll do/give things I wouldn’t have guessed I wanted. It’s also all the little things he does. He’s been working from home for about seven years and whenever he hears me wake up, he comes give me a hug and kiss. He’s often in a meeting already but mutes his phone and finds me. He writes me poems (and they’re never for special days or anything but just because). He always has my back and I’m always surprised to hear from others how he talks about me.  I’ve definitely felt love from many different people in my life but I think dh is the only one I would say makes me feel “cherished”. It doesn’t make me feel weak. I actually think it does the opposite for me.

[HS Mom in NC]

To me cherish is two ideas combined: deeply valuing someone or something + tender affection.  Mr. Rogers talks about doing what he did because he wanted children to feel "cherished." He used the specific word and I think it was accurate of him.

When I said someone doing something for me daily that I could do myself would be awful and I'd tell them to stop, it's worth noting that my mother said my first sentence was, "No! I do it!" and slapping her hand away from whatever it was she was doing for me.  I'm a "Life is doing." person, so to do for me regularly what I could do for myself is stealing my life away. (Assuming I didn't ask them to do it for me.) The discussion about not doing things for the elderly if they can do it for themselves because it's a form a theft-stealing their autonomy, independence, self-sufficiency, dignity and what little of their lives they have left resonates with me.

[gardenmom5]

I don't think I understand what you mean by cherished.  I'm sure that is different for everyone.  People do have different "love languages".

Do you and your dh understand each other's love languages?

I don't remember if it was here or somewhere else - but I saw this posted very recently.

There was a woman who felt like a terracota pot that had been smashed.  So her dh got a terracota pot, smashed it - and had those she loved/love her write something about how they love her on each piece of the broken pot.  I think he then glued it back together before giving it to her.

She said she'd never felt so "heard".    

[Jean in Newcastle]

Random thoughts that apply to me and my marriage alone because we are all different and I can't speak for anyone else:

there was a time when I wanted dh to be more of an outwardly "cherishing" type of guy in our marriage.  But then I remembered that every single guy I dated who was like that, drove me absolutely crazy.

I am very independent.  I don't want anyone hovering.  I don't want anyone anticipating my needs.  If I have a genuine need, I will ask for it.  I have been functionally disabled in many ways for much of my adult life.  My particular situation can improve though if I don't let it deteriorate.  I NEED to get up off of  my butt to get my own drinks and take care of my own needs.  The more I do that, the better.  There are things that I haven't been able to do at different times.  And then dh has stepped in.  But only when I tell him to.  (I'm reminded of a friend who has RA.  She said that people thought that her dh was a jerk for not helping her when she was clearly struggling to do things.  But she didn't want him doing those things.  Her ability to still have some mobility and independence depended specifically on her struggling through these things and doing them for herself.)

I am not a passive aggressive person.  Neither is dh.  We don't play the "you have to guess what I'm thinking" game.  We don't do it with gifts and we don't do it with the daily stuff either.  (Not saying that spouses who do things for each other are passive aggressive.  I'm just saying that we let our needs be known clearly and simply.)

I wanted to marry someone who was independent as well.  And I did.  We fit each other very well even if we don't do everything (or a lot of things) together. 

 

[madteaparty]

Nm, tmi

Edited January 26, 2022 by madteaparty

[SKL]

Probably for a few very short time snippets over the decades.

To be fair, I don't recall ever treating a partner in the way you describe either.

[KidsHappen]

Yes, by my hubby almost everyday and by my children frequently now that they are grown and finally by my grandkids almost every time I see them. I feel incredibly blessed by this.

[Night Elf]

Every day. My DH and I share a love that is unreal and unlike anything we've experienced with past relationships, including our first marriages. We do things for each other every day just because we know it makes the other person feel good. Unlike you, I am a woman who likes to be pampered and taken care of in every way I can think about. DH cooks, does dishes, cleans bathrooms, sweeps/vacuums, does laundry and handles all outside chores. Now I don't let him do all of that for me but he would if I didn't want to do them. Yes, he feels a responsibility to the household but he doesn't need to run it single handedly and he sure has done that in times of our marriage, even times I'm not working and just sit on the couch all day. I've not been the greatest housewife, but I have managed the household on my own, freeing him up to do things he prefers to do outside of his working day. We tell each other we love you multiple times during the day and even night. When I wake up in the middle of night due to insomnia, he will sometimes sit up with me for a little while and talk. I don't let him do it long because he needs his sleep since he starts his day at 7:15am every weekday morning. I rarely have appointments before 10:00am and my job doesn't start until 3:00 pm on days I work. 

After 26 years of marriage, we've just melded into one. It's wonderful. I wish this for everyone. I'm so glad my dd is getting married later in life and not at 19 like I did. I had no idea what I wanted out of life yet. I was still growing up. My first husband and I were very different but it didn't show until we started talking about a family and the things we expected. Then we had our dd and our marriage went downhill fast. We were separated when she was 18 mo. old. I have no regrets though. It served a purpose for those years of my life and gave me a beautiful, loving daughter who cares for all of her parents a great deal. My other two children are similar. I think it's the way DH and I have always acted and modeled for them that helped them be this way. God has blessed me with so much and I am forever thankful.

[Soror]

My dh does many of the things listed here --- but--- cherish is not a word I would use. It skeeves me out. 

And some of the things listed I wouldn't have a desire for (it would feel patronizing to me)- different strokes and all that.

Also, I think the give and take should be equal, some relationships where the guy is 'worshiping' the ground you walk on- I have no desire or want for that. 

This reminds me of the threads asking about if you "work" on your marriage. So much is just semantics. What do you define as work? Often people mean the same thing but use different words. Just as I wouldn't use the word cherish but he does things that others have mentioned here. When I hear cherish I think of inequality. I think of a husband babying and infantilizing his wife. Dh's dad did that with his wife and quite frankly I think he handicapped her for life without him spoiling her too much. No thanks.

I do things for dh out of love and care and he does the same. 

I'm not an overly romantic type and don't wish for a relationship like that. There isn't one right way to have a relationship. I think we've put certain things up as ideal and it is crap. Like the whole trend to label things as #relationshipgoals. No. Relationships are decided by individuals-- assuming no abuse and consenting adults- you get to decide how you want that relationship to be. Or the idea that the more sex in a relationship the better. No, it doesn't work like that. The best relationship is one where each person communicates their wants and needs and their partner does the same. Some are going to have a traditional romantic relationship and others not. Whatever.

Edited January 26, 2022 by Soror

[Jenny in Florida]

16 hours ago, Forget-Me-Not said:

I feel like people on this thread might have very different connotations of “cherished”. For me, it means feeling seen, loved, valued.

That's my definition of the word, too.

[Jenny in Florida]

12 hours ago, cintinative said:

On my birthday with them, I got to pick dinner and they made me a pan of brownies.  It was just for me.  I felt loved and valued. That's what I think of when I think of being cherished--being loved and valued.

That's a lovely example of the kind of thing I mean.

For pretty much every birthday of a family member -- kids and, when we was into celebrating, my husband -- I baked a cake. I put a lot of thought and care and love into doing it. At the risk of sounding like a stereotype, feeding people is one of the ways I love them.

When my kids were young, I tried to start a tradition of them baking a cake for my birthday, too. We baked not infrequently when they were little, for fun and to make things for events and for other people. It wasn't like this would have been an unfamiliar or burdensome activity. My thought was that, for at least the first few years we would bake the cake together, and they could then decorate it for me. 

We tried it twice. The first year, it was like pulling teeth to get them to participate, and I was exhausted by the time the cake was done, but I tried to put a good face on it.

The second year, they were so whiny and resistant and just miserable about it that I gave up. 

In the intervening 15 or so years, despite the fact that I have made it clear how disappointed I was about those episodes, no one has bothered to bake anything for me.

[Jenny in Florida]

12 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I never expected him to be this guy. I never expected to be this woman. I never saw this being our dynamic. I think my changes brought out the best parts of him that always existed but I didn’t nurture in him either? Plus I liked being competent and he respected that.  There are some facets of this journey we are on that I am very grateful for… feeling precious has been one of them. ♥️ 

That's lovely. Thank you for sharing this story.

[Scarlett]

My mom made us a pecan pie this week.  This morning someone ate the last piece....and when I got in my car to go to work, there in the passenger seat is the clean pie plate for me to return to my mom.  That is the kind of thing dh does a lot. 

I love cooking in my stone ware, but I hate cleaning it.  If I leave it soaking overnight dh will get up and clean it before he goes to work.  

Little things like that, but also the definition posted above feeling 'seen, loved and valued'.  In the early years of my first marriage XH was like that...or so I thought with my inexperience.  It was actually more of the putting me on a pedestal type thing....it was more for him than me I think. 

Dh is not like that.  He is very sweet, romantic, kind, giving, true blue, and when he with his strong personality says or does something hurtful he is quick to apologize.  He has taught me a lot about tolerance and forgiveness. And love.

[YaelAldrich]

My parents cherish me. They did before my sister got cancer but I stepped up during her illness and death. My parents are vocal about thanking me for the things I do for them and I feel their love.

There are two times that stick out in my mind as being cherished are shortly after my sister's death.  I was speaking to my best friend and I asked him about his sister. And he stopped and asked me in such an earnest and heartfelt manner of it was ok for him to talk about his sister knowing mine had just passed away. His concern and love for me and my situation still brings tears to my eyes five years later. My husband once gifted me with an action he really, really couldn't and didn't want to do. I know it was an almost impossible gift he gave me. He cherishes me in smaller ways too. He makes me feel loved and seen and cared for. 

[catz]

I've never felt super cherished by my parents.  I think they love(d) me and did the best they could with the tools they had.  My mom does some sweet things now that are unexpected now that my dad is gone.  My dad was very fiscally conservative with their money.  They were both raised poor and ended up upper middle class from a self made business so that was a long interesting road.  I keep telling my mom to spend her money she hems and haws about the weirdest things lol.  But like she gave my husband and I some money for a date night for Christmas.  We haven't exchanged adult gifts for many years.  There was just kind of an emotionally unhealthy dynamic in the house while I was growing up.  Expressing strong emotions wasn't really allowed.  So though I love my mom (my dad died 6 years ago) I don't feel super close to her.  I did just mail her covid tests and good masks, there is my love language. 🙂  

I feel like me feeling cherished or appreciated by my DH is just more understanding his love language and chose to notice and appreciate those things about him.  It's not the same things I would have labelled as important 22 years ago.  And it's not like he doesn't do things that kind of drive me nuts lol.

One thing about my DH is he is very empathetic.  My MIL died last year and every week now through covid he goes and just hangs out and chats with his 90 year old father or goes and watches golf or foot ball with him.  He naturally reaches out to people he knows are struggling (me too).  He problem solves how to help those who need it.  Even though that isn't always me he is doing stuff for, it does give me warm fuzzies to see it.   Like I had an appointment last year he knew I was nervous about.  He just took the morning off of work to drive me without me asking.  

[marbel]

All the different connotations of the word are interesting. I have no negative feelings toward the word "cherish." To me it has nothing to do with an imbalanced relationship or a man putting a woman on a pedestal. After all, a woman can cherish a man.

To cherish something is to love and value it highly: cherished family heirlooms, memories, people. That is how I think of it.

Have I felt cherished? Sometimes. Does my husband do certain things for me, day in and day out, that show me he cares? Not really though he does nice things. Does he do things because he thinks I can't, as if I am weaker? Well, there are things I can't do because I am weaker/shorter/not as skilled. Just as there are things I am better at. So we do them. (This is so minor but... slicing an onion. Gah! It's painful for me to see him do that. It takes FOREVER. Please oh please do not offer to slice the onions for me!) If there is ice on the car and I need to go out, he will go clean it for me if he has time. But I am capable of doing it myself - it's just easier for him because he is much taller and can reach better! And, sure, it is nice not to have to do it myself. 

Sometimes he has been over-solicitous with me - like jumping up to refill my coffee cup, or asking more times than is needed if I want whatever snack he might be fixing for himself. He got that from his parents, and it drove me crazy when they did it too. He's working on it. But he can also be clumsy. I'm thinking of my birthday one year when the kids were little. We went out for burgers - my choice - and afterward he suggested I go into the grocery store in the adjacent strip mall and get myself a dessert. That annoyed me majorly and he knew it, and there has not been a reoccurrence. He was just not thinking. He's not good at things like that, but he's good at lots of other things. 

But he would do all the important things for me/our kids. He would die for us, no question. He would give me a kidney if I needed one. He would care for me if I became seriously ill/disabled and would not complain. I'm afraid for that last one I'm not sure I could say the same for myself, if he was the one ill. I have little patience for nurturing. He has cleaned me up when I've been sick and he bandages up my fingers when I have one of my kitchen knife accidents. And always remembers the neosporin! He removes the kids' splinters and all that sort of thing. 

So I think overall, I am cherished though on a day-to-day basis I might not feel it. I doubt my husband feels particularly cherished by me either most of the time. 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

My mom made us a pecan pie this week.  This morning someone ate the last piece....and when I got in my car to go to work, there in the passenger seat is the clean pie plate for me to return to my mom.  That is the kind of thing dh does a lot. 

I love cooking in my stone ware, but I hate cleaning it.  If I leave it soaking overnight dh will get up and clean it before he goes to work.  

Little things like that, but also the definition posted above feeling 'seen, loved and valued'.  In the early years of my first marriage XH was like that...or so I thought with my inexperience.  It was actually more of the putting me on a pedestal type thing....it was more for him than me I think. 

Dh is not like that.  He is very sweet, romantic, kind, giving, true blue, and when he with his strong personality says or does something hurtful he is quick to apologize.  He has taught me a lot about tolerance and forgiveness. And love.

I think this is where semantics comes into it. And different personalities and perspectives. Dh does that sort of thing. I don’t feel particularly “seen “. He saw a chore in Our house that had to be done and did it. I feel like the dirty pie plate was seen. 

[Drama Llama]

So, I was thinking about this idea of cherishing someone by doing things for them, as a sign you think they are incompetent.  

I feel like in my marriage, there are three situations where DH and I do things for each other and they have very different motivations, and make me feel very differently.  

Situation #1: Efficiency

DH and I do lots of things for each other out of efficiency.  I might drop off his suit at the dry cleaners, because it's next to the library and I'm there anyway (when there isn't a pandemic).  He might change my oil on my car, because he's already changing his.  The other day, I made lentil soup in the crockpot before work.  I made enough for everyone in the house, including him, to have lunch.  At lunch, he put some soup in a bowl, added some cheese and crackers and brought it to me at my desk where I was working.  It just makes sense to combine those task.  Each of us making our own soup, or changing our own oil, or driving to the same street would be inefficient.  

When those kind of things happen, I feel fortunate to have a functional partner.  I don't feel judged at all, or like my independence is taken away.  I don't feel like I don't have enough to do.  But, I also don't feel cherished, I just feel like we're doing the sensible thing.  

Situation #2: Managed 

Sometimes, DH or I will do something for the other person, because we don't trust them, or we judge them as incompetent in that area, or we want to get our own way.  If DH and I are going somewhere together, he always drives.  I don't particularly like or dislike driving, but I know he's not driving because he's caring for me, it's because he feels like a better driver than I am.  He doesn't trust me as much as he trusts himself.  Similarly, I make lunch for DH before I go to work.  I'm concerned about his health, and I don't trust him to make the healthiest choices, so I do it for him.  

DH and I both have mixed feelings about these things.  Sometimes, it's nice not to have to do something.  I might prefer reading the Hive in the passenger seat.  DH might enjoy the sandwich I left him.  But there's also an undercurrent of annoyance.  It's doesn't feel nice to be treated like a child.  I think that some people think of this dynamic as cherishing.  If you think that way, then I can totally understand not wanting to be treated that way.

Situation #3: Love

There are somethings that I do for DH, or that DH does for me, that are motivated by love and a desire to make things more comfortable for the other person.  They aren't particularly efficient.  We don't do them because we think we're better at them than the other person, or because we're secretly trying to get our own way.  They're just an act of love.  

An example of this would be during the time when my son was so sick.  In the last year of his life, he frequently needed help at night, so we took turns staying awake with him.  I would take the first shift, and DH would take the second.  Every night, when it came close to time to switch, I'd start a pot of coffee.  I wasn't making coffee for myself, because I hate it.  It's not that I think DH is incapable of coffee.  I didn't have some secret agenda to get him to drink coffee.  I just knew that he'd appreciate coming downstairs and seeing that I had been thinking of him.  Then, after the hand off, I'd head back upstairs.  We used to have a heated mattress pad in our bed.  DH doesn't like it, and I don't need it when I have a warm husband in my bed, but when I slept alone, I liked it.  Every night, I'd go upstairs, and the mattress pad would already be turned on, with the duvet spread nicely to hold the heat in.  DH didn't do that because he thought I was incapable.  It wasn't more efficient for him to turn it on instead of me, but it would make me feel good to know that he remembered.  

That feeling is what, to me, the word cherished means.  It has nothing to do with efficiency, or common sense, or anything but love.  

 

 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think this is where semantics comes into it. And different personalities and perspectives. Dh does that sort of thing. I don’t feel particularly “seen “. He saw a chore in Our house that had to be done and did it. I feel like the dirty pie plate was seen. 

I guess it was not so much washing the pie plate as it was putting it in my car where he knew I would remember to return it to my mom today.  When I saw it I did not think, 'Oh he cherishes me!'  But I did think, 'wow, he is so thoughtful.'  And those types of things to add up to me to feeling cherished.

[Drama Llama]

7 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I think this is where semantics comes into it. And different personalities and perspectives. Dh does that sort of thing. I don’t feel particularly “seen “. He saw a chore in Our house that had to be done and did it. I feel like the dirty pie plate was seen. 

I'm with you on this.  I think the fact that it made Scarlett feel cherished is that maybe she felt like the pie plate was more her responsibility than her husband's?  Is that because it was going to her mother and not his?  Or because she ate the pie?  Or because dishes are always her job?  

I'd be glad if I had a capable, thoughtful husband, who remembered to do things without being asked, but to me that's different from cherished. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Baseballandhockey said:

I'm with you on this.  I think the fact that it made Scarlett feel cherished is that maybe she felt like the pie plate was more her responsibility than her husband's?  Is that because it was going to her mother and not his?  Or because she ate the pie?  Or because dishes are always her job?  

I'd be glad if I had a capable, thoughtful husband, who remembered to do things without being asked, but to me that's different from cherished. 

He washes lots of dishes and I don't feel like he is doing anything extra because well, we both work full time now.  But I work in town and I do all of the errand running....it was him putting it in my front seat so I would remember to return it that made me think, 'wow, he is so thoughtful.'

[Drama Llama]

14 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He washes lots of dishes and I don't feel like he is doing anything extra because well, we both work full time now.  But I work in town and I do all of the errand running....it was him putting it in my front seat so I would remember to return it that made me think, 'wow, he is so thoughtful.'

I absolutely think it's thoughtful.  Heck, I might even send my husband over for some lessons.  I'm just saying, since we're discussing what the word means to us, to me cherishing is something different.  

[Ditto]

16 hours ago, Baseballandhockey said:

One thing he does is he goes to visit his wife’s grave and then he comes back and tells us what he told her.  It sounds silly but my kids light up when he says things like “I saw your Grandma Molly today.  I told her, you should see our DS11, I swear he gets taller every time I blink, our poor Baseball&Hockey has to go to the shoe store every two weeks to keep up with those feet, but you know I think she doesn’t mind.  She looks so proud when he flies up and down the basketball court!” 

This made me tear up.  How incredibly sweet.    Truly, everything about this is lovely.  Thank you for sharing it.

[Amy Gen]

I believe my husband cherishes me, and that comes through in different ways. At our wedding, when the photographer wanted to take the photo of the groom trying to run away and the groomsmen holding him back, he was livid. Trying to get away from me is not something he could ever think was funny. He has the heart of a servant and does daily things for me like cleaning the kitchen, taking out trash, putting gas in my car, letting my dog out to go break, always offering to do chores for me if he can. For example if my alarm goes off to take the kids to early morning practice, he will check his calendar and if he doesn’t have a meeting, he will tell me to go back to sleep and he will take them. Yesterday, I walked in to take them to evening practice. He told me he finished up early, handed me a margarita and said he take him to the pool. When he went to the store on Sunday, he surprised me with champagne and king crab legs for no reason other than to make us feel cherished. He often brings me flowers and anything else I might want. When I ask him to turn off a light or close a door, he always replies, “As you wish.” Once I was throwing a fit because someone stole the adapter off my computer and I couldn’t plug it in. A few hours later, he gave me a box with 40 adapters in it and told me to hide them for emergencies. I don’t consider him to be smothering at all. 
 

We are both introverts, so we give each other a lot of space. One of the best things that he ever did for me was how he cared for the kids when I was in the hospital. He understood that they needed to have all of their routines and nothing that might stress them like being late for practice or his coming to the hospital to see me without them. He put caring for them to my standards first, and that allowed me to have a clear, unworried mind to make health decisions. He also made it clear that he trusts me, and that I get to decide, so he didn’t expect me to discuss options with him before making decisions with my doctors. When I was wheeled into surgery, the nurses said, “Oh, you poor thing, here all alone.” I had to explain that if my husband had come to the hospital, I’d be a sobbing mess worrying about how my children were holding up. It makes me feel cherished that he put what I wanted first. It was hard on him to be away and he was judged as not caring enough, but I knew that he cared enough to look bad for me to feel calmer. 
 

Over the holidays, my son’s girlfriend said that she loves how my husband treats me and she can see how my son emulates it with her, always making her tea exactly the way she likes it and generally waiting on her hand and foot. I think these relationships can work if both people want to serve the other’s best interest. I definitely try to repay my husband’s generosity to me. If I’m up early, I bring him coffee in bed. His mother only served cold cereal for breakfast, so my husband feels spoiled by bacon and eggs. So every day, I bring him a hot breakfast at his desk. 

We are coming up on out thirtieth anniversary, and I don’t think either of us could have been this happy with anybody else. 

[aggie96]

19 hours ago, Ditto said:

Me too. ((hugs))

Me three.

[rebcoola]

This thread is so interesting.  I never had the idea cherished meant incapable.  I remember being told once I should act afraid of spiders so my dh could kill them for me and protect me that was ridiculous.  My dh and I are both fully functional adults who can things for ourselves.  

When I feel cherished is little extra things. The 3yr old is sick and I was up until 3am with her. DH was working night shift.  He got off at 6 and stayed up to take the big girls to school so I could sleep a little more. This is nice but he also picked up my favorite coffee on his way home knowing I would still only be running on 5 hours of sleep. It wasn't necessary but it was sure nice.  

Birthdays I feel cherished because my family knows I hate to cook.  Whether DH is working or not I have never cooked on my birthday.  

[Jean in Newcastle]

Do you know what makes dh and I look starry eyed at each other and say "I am so glad that I married you?"  When we have a in depth (often theological) discussion where we have a meeting of the minds (and souls).  I have a friend who married someone who does the little notes and the gifts and the running to the  open the door etc. etc. but it's all "noise" to her because they don't really have a meeting of the minds on the things which she sees as highest priority.  (Not saying that many people can't have both.) 

I had this rosy picture of family life (along with the homeschool life with everyone gathered around the rocking chair hanging on my every word as I read aloud).  But it didn't take into account real life people with their own likes and dislikes and personalities.  For me, this sort of thing fits into that category.  My kids could bake but only did it as a business.  My dh couldn't bake to save his life.  So we go for a dessert date at Whole Foods for my birthday.  It gives me a treat that meets all of my food sensitivities etc. and is still special. 

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, rebcoola said:

This thread is so interesting.  I never had the idea cherished meant incapable.  I remember being told once I should act afraid of spiders so my dh could kill them for me and protect me that was ridiculous.  My dh and I are both fully functional adults who can things for ourselves.  

When I feel cherished is little extra things. The 3yr old is sick and I was up until 3am with her. DH was working night shift.  He got off at 6 and stayed up to take the big girls to school so I could sleep a little more. This is nice but he also picked up my favorite coffee on his way home knowing I would still only be running on 5 hours of sleep. It wasn't necessary but it was sure nice.  

Birthdays I feel cherished because my family knows I hate to cook.  Whether DH is working or not I have never cooked on my birthday.  

Haha, that reminded me of an old neighbor we had. She was a single mom of 2 teenagers and a 6 year old at the time. She came over my house and asked if she was home. I let her know he wasn't and asked if there was a problem I could help her with. She said there was just a huge spider in her living room that she was wondering if he'd kill for her. I was dumbfounded but told her I'd do it and walked into her room to find both teenagers sitting on the couch staring at it. I scooped it up and took it outside.

I couldn't believe anyone would need a man to get rid of a spider for them and was incredulous when another woman was so easily capable of it. And to top it off two teenagers couldn't it either.