Do you want a funeral or ceremony of some kind?

[DawnM]

It seems to me that the people left behind should be able to decide if they want to hold a ceremony for the one who has passed away.  And it seems there is some form of pomp and circumstance with holding a formal goodbye that allows one to have closure and move on.

 

A few people recently have had no funeral or celebration of life or whatever you want to call it.  It was the wishes of the person dying.  But it is painful to some of us left behind.   I am not the immediate relative, so I am not the one deciding.

 

When my aunt died, I ended up having some friends over, who had never met her, and had a dinner party, hosted by me, completely in a Norwegian theme, with Norwegian decorations, the closest thing to Norwegian food I could find locally, and my friends allowed me to talk about her to them a little.

 

But it wasn't the same as being with family, who would have come in from all over, and celebrating the wonder person that she was.  

 

Maybe it is just me and what I grew up with.

 

BTW:  I am on the East Cost and my aunt was on the West Coast, so it wasn't an option of, "Just invite your relatives to your house" thing.

[Laura Corin]

I'm thinking of donating my body to the local medical school. They have a memorial ceremony once a year and invite the families of all those who have donated. My family is free to do whatever else they fancy.

[Night Elf]

I told my kids to do what they felt they needed. All I ask is that me and DH are cremated and buried in a memorial garden in a cemetery although I haven't researched where yet. We don't have big families so we don't need a big funeral. 

 

When either DH or I dies first, the other will hold a memorial service for any family member who cares to attend. We'll decide at the moment if we want to have some kind of gathering with food. I just picture using one of the rooms in the funeral home. Then everyone goes home.

[HomeAgain]

Dh and I have discussed this at length.

 

I will be holding a bbq for him after his cremation, inviting all his old friends. 

 

For myself, he will be planting a tree over my ashes.

 

Neither of us are big on ceremony, and I never liked to be the center of attention so that will be honored after my death.  A small gathering, perhaps, but no big funeral/viewing.

[Laurie4b]

My grandmother and step-grandfather had those wishes. He died first and I think the lack of a grieving ritual impacted my grandmother very negatively. She developed cancer a two years later and died. Her son, daughter, grandchildren, and other surviving relatives were unanimous about wanting a memorial service, which we had---for us. 

 

The gatherings (whether formal services or not)  are not for the dead person. They are for the living: to gather together, support one another, share memories, and comfort one another. For those who are religious, they are to strengthen faith and hope. All of that helps those whose lives are most impacted by the loss to grieve and to move forward. It's much harder (witnessing the effect on my grandmother*) to move on alone. 

 

"It's not all about you" applies even in death, imo. 

 

 

Edited December 23, 2017 by Laurie4b

[creekland]

No, I do not want one - and neither does my mom.  I expect to uphold her wishes TBH.  I'd uphold them if she wanted one too.  My dad does and has his all planned out already.

 

However, I've told my family they can do what they like as long as they donate my body to a med school.  I won't really care at that point what they do.

[Pawz4me]

No, I don't want a funeral or any kind of ceremony. IRL I'm a private person who strongly dislikes being the center of attention. I've been through the deaths of many close relatives--all my grandparents, both parents, FIL, numerous aunts and uncles and a few cousins. Funerals or other ceremonies are tortuous for me and certainly offer nothing in the way of closure. They're a cruel slog that does nothing but pour salt on open wounds.

 

Having said that -- I'll be dead and it won't make any difference to me what my survivors choose to do. They're the ones who have to endure it. Or, I suppose, possibly benefit from it, although that's beyond my comprehension.

Edited December 23, 2017 by Pawz4me

[DawnM]

I feel very strongly about not requiring people to view my dead body, so as long as they don't require anyone, especially little kids, to do that, I don't have a whole lot of other strong wishes.  I would prefer cremation, but if they want to donate to science, or bury, or burial at sea or shoot me off into space or whatever, I am not gonna come back and haunt them if they choose something different. 

 

Interesting.  I do too.  I don't want to see anyone else's either.  My parents don't understand that.  When my mom's sister died, she looked bad.  They had her in a different room and only opened the casket upon request.  My mother insisted she not only see it but tried to get everyone else to too.  I don't get it.  

[ThisIsTheDay]

I want a ceremony where the gospel is shared and shared well. My death here will be something to celebrate, although of course people will grieve.

 

My husband and I have different ideas on what will happen with our bodies (burial, or cremation and no burial of ashes), and I suppose whoever is left will make the final decision, regardless of what the dead person's wishes were. That's fine with me either way.

 

In general, I understand why people don't want any kind of ceremony. But a memorial or celebration can be so helpful and healing for those left behind. It's such a wonderful opportunity to share memories, stories, and just find some solace in that shared grief.

[Angie in VA]

I would love nothing more than to die at home in my sleep, have my family roll me up in the bed sheet and put me 6' under to push up daffodils near where our yard ends and our tree line begins. There is also that mushroom suit to consider. Or being a cadaver donated for forensic science. I can't find it now, but bodies are left outside in various stages of decay for students to learn how to determine how long they've been out there. I could be useful in death!

 

I realize that my family may want - or need - a service, but I'm so introverted, and have such few friends, the thought of fake friends and church goers gawking over my coffin (or ashes) leaves me cold. We're private people. I know closure is huge, so that is a draw back, and really, I won't be here to know what my family does. 

 

I have told them to go the cheapest route possible and use money that would be used on a funeral to go on a fun trip! And I mean that with all my heart. Even if they have some sort of service, they don't have to spend a lot. Go make fun memories! 

 

Lastly, if I am lucky enough to know when the end is near, I'll do my best to throw myself a wake while I'm here to enjoy it. A man at church has agreed to sing at my funeral, but I want him to sing for me while I'm alive so I can enjoy it. I also want to blare a few fun songs, lol. I asked my children to play a certain song for my funeral -should there be one - but both said they'd be too sad. So, they will play it for me on my death bed if at all possible. 

 

 

[creekland]

Lastly, if I am lucky enough to know when the end is near, I'll do my best to throw myself a wake while I'm here to enjoy it. A man at church has agreed to sing at my funeral, but I want him to sing for me while I'm alive so I can enjoy it. I also want to blare a few fun songs, lol. I asked my children to play a certain song for my funeral -should there be one - but both said they'd be too sad. So, they will play it for me on my death bed if at all possible. 

 

Now that's an awesome idea!

[Ellie]

Yes.

 

My mother didn't want anything. Her body was cremated; the [organization that did the cremation; I don't know what that's called] picked her body up from home and that was it. No nothin'. Had I known those were her wishes I would have organized something (I lived 14 hours away), because her friends and family *needed* to get together. I think it's selfish for people to say they want nothing, unless they actually have not a single friend or family member.

[elegantlion]

I waver between wanting a traditional funeral (we tend to have very traditional funerals in our family) to Greek funeral games after being burned on a pyre (apparently legal in some states - the pyre, not sure about the games) to just have a small ceremony and a wake. I used to be really against cremation for myself (I have a visceral weird reaction to seeing occupied urns), yet I'm intrigued with having my ashes shot into space. 

 

I also have several generations of family buried in a small rural cemetery that feels like one of the most peaceful spots in our area. I like visiting old cemeteries, it makes sense to be buried in one. 

 

It depends upon how I go - I plan on writing up more wishes if my life changes. I have no significant other, my mom could outlive me, ds will probably be off living his life and I don't want a funeral to be a burden. 

 

I do find solace in the ceremony of a funeral and the act of burial. I think my mom would need that if I died first. 

[LinRTX]

I just had this discussion with my mom. She does not want a service. I told her that the service was not about her but about those who are grieving the loss. Those living will decide. I will respect her wishes on cremation or burial, but not on the service. That closure is important to those who remain behind. 

[JFSinIL]

I have told the kids as long as I am toasted and not planted full of chemicals in the ground, I am good. They can do whatever they do or do not want afterwards. I am more concerned that the capable kids remain guardians then of the kid with autism than that they mess with any funeral etc. for moi.

 

My in-laws passed within months of each other. Each was given a wake - with open casket - evening before the funeral, which began with an hour of visitation at the church - open casket - then long Catholic service, journey to cemetery for another smaller service (an no graveside ceremony too simply due to needing to "park" the casket until the ground thawed apparently) and then a three-hour reception at a restaurant. Hundreds of folks came, some to everything. The six adult kids of the family still meet for services and memorials in church and graveside to honor the matriarch and patriarch of the family. It is what they need.

 

My dad passed this summer, his ashes are still at my kid sister's as no one has decided what to do with them or even if we will have any memorial. We loved Dad, but he hated the idea of hospitals and death and would have hated any 'to-do' that way. His body was donated to science and what sister got was the toasted remaining bits. Someday when I can travel again out to Calif. we will probably take him to one of his favorite fishing spots and let him go. Mom could go any time now, and probably much the same will occur.

 

It depends on the family, and the needs/desires of the remaining folks.

 

 

[xixstar]

I'm strongly of the opinion that death rituals are for the living and it would be unfair of me to dictate how my loved ones want to celebrate my life and process their grief. So it is up to them if they want a service or not. 

I'm sure my mom would like a service, but I don't live near her and don't know how I could coordinate one when I wouldn't even know who to invite or have the money to host the event from many states away. 

I am sure my husband would like me to have a service because he takes comfort from those services and appreciates going to friend's funerals and connecting with other friends and sharing memories and such. So, I probably will have one for him if he dies first. And I'm sure he'll have one for me if I died first though I'd be just as happy without one, but guess what, I'll be dead - let the living do what they want! 

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

After some recent long, drawn out, torturous experiences, I've told the kids that I want to be cremated or buried in some eco-friendly way, and that I don't want a viewing, funeral, etc. But I do want them to have a nice party in my honor, and no one is to wear black or pantyhose or dressy clothes if they don't want to. I just want them to sit around and enjoy dinner and drinks and mingle and support each other. They are fully on board with that. 

 

If I go before DH, though, he's going to want to do the whole shebang, so if that's what he has to do, then I'm fine with it. I really, really don't want to be buried though. I don't connect our lost loved ones with physical places in the earth, and I don't want anyone to feel like I'm tied to the earth somewhere either. I feel very strongly about that.

[Garga]

My dh and I don't want to give each other the expense of a huge coffin and embalming and all that.

 

The plan is to be creamated and put in an inexpensive container (urn, box, whatever), without being embalmed first, so no viewing. But there will be a service (not sure if it's a funeral or memorial--not sure of the difference) at the church. The church also will host a funeral luncheon for you if you like, with people on call to prepare and provide food and set up tables, etc.

 

We'll do that. I think it's important for people to be able to gather. Every time there's been a death that was significant to me, I felt a huge draw to be with the other people at some sort of gathering and didn't feel that I could start to grieve properly until that happened.

Edited December 23, 2017 by Garga

[AnnE-girl]

I want a Catholic funeral and burial, but I don’t think it needs to be a huge thing. There were less than two dozen people at my great uncle’s funeral, and most of those were my siblings and our kids, but it was the religious ceremony that was important to him. He was a good man and deserved to have his life celebrated in the way he wanted even without children of his own to plan it.

[Tenaj]

We had my brother's funeral this week. There was an open casket 8 hour! visitation and then the funeral after that. We were at the funeral home from 11:30 am to about 9 p.m. it was too much for the whole family but especially for my elderly parents. Burial the next day.

 

I've been thinking this through and the family can do whatever they want as far as a service but there will be no casket in sight if they follow my directions. The visitations/funerals that I've been to that were closed casket or where the deceased had been cremated seemed to be more of a celebration of life and that's what I want.

[scrapbookbuzz]

The family had a visitation/open casket viewing for my dad. I agree with many above that it doesn't need to be done.

I wasn't traumatized by it or anything but it is kind of weird, and macabre, when you think about it.

 

I like the idea of my body being donated to science. I am obviously not going to need it anymore!

[solascriptura]

Interesting. I do too. I don't want to see anyone else's either. My parents don't understand that. When my mom's sister died, she looked bad. They had her in a different room and only opened the casket upon request. My mother insisted she not only see it but tried to get everyone else to too. I don't get it.

I totally agree. How does that provide closure? For each dead body that I’ve seen, that is the image I remember of that person. Is that how those people wish to be remembered? A dead wax looking body in a casket? When I think of my grandma, the first image I remember is her dead lifeless body.

[SKL]

I do believe it is up to the family, though I would prefer that they not spend a bunch on it.

[catz]

Funerals are for the living. So I am fine without whatever my family chooses. I’m fine with cremation, no service, donation to science, full funeral, whatever. I am not a huge fan of open casket and that does nothing regarding closure for me but I understand it does for some.

 

I do think the wishes of the immediate family should be respected without complaint from more distant relations or friends. And I also think it’s fine for these people to do something that is meaningful to them. Donate in the deceased’s name, have a small memorial mass or service, donate a tree in someone’s name, fund raise for research for cancer, gather friends together, etc. No one is obligated to “throwâ€a funeral for your benefit

Edited December 23, 2017 by WoolySocks

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Like others I want to donate my body to science; hopefully, to a school with a good neuroscience department.

 

I am also one who has neither a large family nor a large social circle. I just don't see the point in my DH and children paying for a funeral when there more than likely won't be anybody but them attending anyway. I have told them to ship me off to a research uni and take whatever money they would have spent on a funeral and take a trip. I want them to remember how much I loved nature and giving them experiences and what better way to acknowledge that and remember me by doing something we all love.

 

My mom wants to donate her body to a body farm or the Forensic Pathology Center. I plan on honoring her wishes. 

[OneStepAtATime]

I think funerals are for the living but I also think the wishes of the person who died should be taken into account.  I don't agree with a person saying their family is not allowed to have any sort of ceremony, though.  The person is gone.  While they might not want a funeral, if their family needs a memorial service of some kind for closure then I think it kind of selfish to say they cannot.  It isn't for the person who died.  It is to help the people still alive.  Telling them they cannot do something that will help them with the loss is not taking into account the feelings of the living, IMHO.  Some don't need that and find them difficult.  Others absolutely need it and find it hard to move past the loss without it.  If a person 100% does not want a funeral, then don't have one.  But family and friends should be allowed to have a memorial of some kind (without feeling guilty) if that helps them.

 

When I die I hope to leave plans and instructions so that burden does not fall on those I left behind.  At the same time, I will make it clear to my family that if they need something in addition to what I have arranged, or if what I arranged is causing an undue burden, they should absolutely adjust as needed.  I'll be gone.  I want them to do what they need to do to process.

 

When my dad found out he was dying he asked Mom what she wanted to do and what others in the family wanted including my brother and I.  Mom is an introvert but she wanted family and friends to have closure and knew many would feel strongly there needed to be a ceremony.  However, Mom and Dad had only fairly recently moved to this area to be near me and my family.  Most of their friends/family were in two other locations.  Dad wanted to be buried in a military ceremony in the city he was stationed the longest because his close friends from his military days could attend and because my mom's dad and mother were also buried there so it would be easier on Mom to go visit both graves at the same time.  Also, they had a LOT of close friends and some family still living there.  However, they had lived in retirement for many years in the town Dad grew up in, many hours away from here and from that city.  It was tricky deciding what to do.  Dad and Mom worked out the details and Dad made all the arrangements ahead of time so Mom wouldn't have to do anything but attend if she chose.  While I know many will think he was over the top in what he did, it helped so many with closure, including and especially my mother, my brother and I.  I am glad Dad did what he did.

 

First, he had a memorial service planned out for where he currently lived to give closure to anyone that wished to attend here.  It was basically just a couple of hours blocked out where people could come pay their respects and visit with us if they chose.  There were prayers and shared stories and we had pictures out for people to look at.  It was nice.  People could come if they had time and interest.

 

Next, he arranged to have his body moved to the town he grew up in for a memorial service there, several hours away.  He had the minister he had been close with come back from the town the man had moved to so the service there could be performed by someone who knew him.  The minister and Dad had been more like brothers and had been very close.  He deeply appreciated Dad asking (they talked several times before Dad passed on) and covering the costs for his family to come, too.  It was a beautiful service, full of warm funny stories.  Most of the people in that small town could not have attended a service away from their small town with any ease so this was greatly appreciated by those who lived there.  It was a wonderful time for my family and family friends.  We hugged and laughed and cried and shared.  The minister sometimes broke down during the ceremony but we all understood and were there to support him. 

 

Finally Dad had arranged for his body to be taken to the city he had retired in, where he was buried with a military service.  His military friends and other friends and family that lived there came and again it was well done.  My best friend flew in and her sister sent a letter to read (he had been like a father to them).  Other family and friends stood up to say something if they wanted.  Prayers were said, stories were swapped, hugs were exchanged.  It was not formal.  Just very warm and loving and wonderful.  My daughter was fairly little but her memories of that time are very positive.  She felt all the love and joy and yes sorrow too, but in a positive way.  My dad would have been very pleased with everything I think but what mattered most was what these things did for the living, IMHO.  Mom, Bro and I still talk with warmth and gratitude about the multi-day process.  I know it would have been hard on many, which is why Dad discussed it at length with my introvert mom and my brother and I but honestly it was so helpful to all of us.  We, the living, got to honor his memory, see family and friends from many walks of our life, celebrate our memories, and go forward knowing Dad won't be forgotten and his life had meaning to many.  

 

On the flip side of that coin, one of my best friends found out he was dying and made it clear to all of us, including his family, that he did not want a funeral or memorial service at the time of his death.  He knew his mom especially was struggling.  She had already lost multiple children over the years.  His impending death was a horrific blow.  He did not like the idea of a funeral and neither did his mother.  Closest friends and family came to see him and visit before he died but we knew there would be no funeral.  However, he knew at some point many would need closure.  He arranged for a memorial gathering of friends and family roughly 6 months after he died, just for whomever might want to attend.  We came from all over, celebrated his life, shared stories, laughed, cried and had closure.  His surviving siblings came, but not his mother.  After a few hours a framed photograph of my friend fell off the wall.  We laughed and decided he was saying "O.k. time to go.  You had your memorial, now get out."  LOL.  It was cathartic.  And only those who felt they needed to come came.  Since it wasn't a funeral and it was some time after his death I think those that don't find any help from such things didn't have the same feeling of obligation to attend that a funeral might engender.

 

Sorry this is so long. Best wishes.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

We had my brother's funeral this week. <snip>

I have thought about you every day since you wrote the initial post. ((Jan)) I am so sorry for your loss.

[EMS83]

Yes, at least for the customary prayers to be read over me.

[Rosie_0801]

I don't really think it is my business. It's considered mannerly to prepay one's own funeral, so I guess I will do that. Prepaying caterers sounds more me.  :laugh:

 

My mother has given strict orders that I don't tell her nasty relatives she's dead so they can't come to her funeral  :lol:

 

 

I remember we had to brow beat my MIL to make her have a funeral for her husband. About a hundred people showed up, and probably more would have if it hadn't been a work day. Not having a funeral would have been bloody rude.

 

 

We didn't have a funeral for my son. His father held a memorial or two. Our homeschool group held one that my mother and I attended. The kids needed some kind of ceremony. It was nice and didn't require organisation on my part.

[TechWife]

My family will decide after I am gone. I hope, for their sakes, they will have some kind of gathering. My parents’ funerals were a balm to my weary and hurting soul. So many people turned out and we saw so many of the neighborhood moms and kids we had grown up with, it was lovely. It was great to renew these friendships and also to know that we weren’t the only ones who would remember them.

Edited December 23, 2017 by TechWife

[MEmama]

Nope. My wish is that as much of me is donated as possible, and the rest can be cremated and thrown in the ocean. The people in my life will know I'm dead, they don't need to see my body for proof. I can't control how or if they mourn, but I don't want to be part of something I don't believe in (church ceremonies and so on). It would be disrespectful to who I was.

[hopskipjump]

I do not want any ceremony of any kind. I’ve told my family that if THEY need that - then I certainly won’t complain (lol), but they know my strong preference.

 

In either case, I want to be cremated and certainly don’t want a viewing.

[TechWife]

I think some people on this thread may be confusing the disposition of the body with a memorial service of some kind. The two are definitely related, but they are two different things.

[Elizabeth86]

I'm leaving that up to my family and what they want and need. If they feel I don't rate a proper funeral, oh well nothing I can do. :lol:

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I think some people on this thread may be confusing the disposition of the body with a memorial service of some kind. The two are definitely related, but they are two different things.

Do you think that's because they're tied together? I certainly don't think about one without considering the other.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

In my town, there has been a push by the local funeral home to have everything planned in advance. The radio and internet commercials are heart wrenching and somewhat guilt inducing. 

 

"My mom just recently passed away and amid my grief I forgot to do X, Y , Z. There were so many people to contact, things to plan, etc, etc. If only she would have contacted [insert name of funeral home]. They would have been able to assist her and things would have been so much easier. I went this afternoon and planned my funeral so that my children will not have to go through what I did."  Okay, these aren't the exact words but you get the point.

 

It just seems so wrong; like they're blaming the deceased for not having planned better.

 

[iamonlyone]

I haven't really thought it through, although I'm pretty sure there will be a ceremony.

 

My mom passed away in October after a ten-month fight with pancreatic cancer. Knowing her time was limited, we were able to make some wonderful memories (chemo was effective for a while for her, so she had some good stretches).

 

Right when she found out (last December), she started making plans for a huge 80th birthday party in July. She catered the event at the senior center where she volunteered and asked that all meal donations go to support the center as a fundraiser. She invited the community and relatives and close friends. We had people driving and flying in from all over the country, and she got to spend great time with the people dear to her. It was also a reason for them to travel to see her while she was, seemingly, well to say what they wanted to and give her a last hug. She assumed, in December, she would not live to see her 80th bday and wanted the fundraiser to take place anyway, as her memorial.

 

Since she did live past her birthday, she planned a memorial that was basically an old-fashioned hymn sing with a short tribute from the pastor. We had a lunch before the service for family (again, I was astounded and touched at how many flew in). I asked that everyone who wanted to would wear red, since that was her favorite color, and the sanctuary was a sea of red, with red roses up front. (The arrangement that made me cry was four single red roses—one representing each of her three best lifetime friends and one representing her.)

 

She had requested to be cremated, and the remains were not at the memorial. (Yes, the pastor asked if I wanted them front and center, and I said no.)

 

Both events' intent was to celebrate life and community; my mom made it clear she didn't want the focus to be on her or on death.

 

We will have a graveside service with just my brother and me and our families this spring.

 

Anyway, her requests were unorthodox, but I'm glad I went with them. I would have underestimated how meaningful those events would be to me.

[Rosie_0801]

In my town, there has been a push by the local funeral home to have everything planned in advance. The radio and internet commercials are heart wrenching and somewhat guilt inducing. 

 

"My mom just recently passed away and amid my grief I forgot to do X, Y , Z. There were so many people to contact, things to plan, etc, etc. If only she would have contacted [insert name of funeral home]. They would have been able to assist her and things would have been so much easier. I went this afternoon and planned my funeral so that my children will not have to go through what I did."  Okay, these aren't the exact words but you get the point.

 

It just seems so wrong; like they're blaming the deceased for not having planned better.

 

The reaction here was quite different. There was a general sense of "Damn. That's a good point!"

[marbel]

What I've told my husband:  typical Christian funeral, with our current pastor presiding assuming he/we are still around.  Short. No open mic!  A few readings by family if they want, except my sister who is over-dramatic.  A few hymns of his choice, except for sure A Mighty Fortress, played as a march, not a funeral dirge.  I have told him which of the current musicians I would like to play it, assuming she/we are still around here.  She'd do it right.

 

When I think of my mother's funeral (2002), I still get annoyed by the slow, funereal pace of the organist playing that hymn. Yeah, I know it's a funeral. But it's a song of triumph!  

 

I used to want to be cremated, but I'm not sure anymore. I need to figure that out pretty soon.  

 

ETA: Oh, and no funeral procession to the burial site.  Before I moved to PA in 2007, I'd never seen (or noticed) a funeral procession. More than once I've accidentally cut into one without realizing it, and boy did I get the horns honking at me.  I've also seen people pulled over by a police escort for cutting into one.  I've no desire to tie up traffic so people can get to my burial en masse.  

 

 

Edited December 23, 2017 by marbel

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would uphold someone's stated wishes... but I think it's weird to expressly request no funeral/memorial.  Funerals are for the living.  Let them decide how best to honor the departed/grieve/find closure.  

[sassenach]

I have no opinion on anything. They can do whatever they want/can afford.

 

Dh strongly wishes to be buried and not cremated but I don’t care at all.

[KarenC]

I would like a very small ceremony with only close family and for my ashes to be poured into the ocean on a beautiful beach.  I absolutely do not want a viewing.  They can put up pictures if they want.

Edited December 23, 2017 by KarenC

[happi duck]

My dad's wishes were ignored by my siblings because of what they thought they needed. Ends up that Dad's wishes were one last gift to us and would have been spectacularly better for all involved.

 

I was the only one pushing for his wishes but was outvoted.

[happypamama]

I honestly really don't care.  If my children want to have a service for me of any sort, that's fine.  If they want to grieve privately or just the handful of them together or whatever, that's fine too.  If they ask me what I want, I'd tell them to play my favorite hymn or something by my lifelong favorite artist or whatever is meaningful to them.  Any service is for the living.  (We decided not to have a service for our son because neither DH nor I are really into public grieving (or public anything really, haha).  Anyone who would have come to support us because they love us was already doing so.)  So I really don't care what my kids decide to do, although I hope that if a service is important to one of them, the others will help make it happen, since with a bunch of kids, I would expect that they will all grieve in different ways.  

 

At this point, I would say that I'd like my body to be donated to my favorite medical school because the best way I can think of to thank them for saving my life and for trying to save my son's is to encourage future doctors and nurses in any way I can.  (And then the kids can joke about how I bleed blue and white even in death, LOL.)  Put a marker for me near my son's and call it good.

Edited December 23, 2017 by happypamama

[Garga]

I think, though I could be wrong, that if you want to donate your body to science, that you have to set that up before you die. And a family member can veto it after you're gone. They will honor the wishes of the living over the dead. And there might be fees for getting the body to the university (or wherever it goes.). Something I read ages ago led me to believe that you couldn't just have someone die and then quickly call a university to come get the body. It needed to be arranged ahead of time.

 

So, if one is serious about leaving one's body to science, one might want to find out how to do that in advance or it might not happen after one is dead.

Edited December 23, 2017 by Garga

[Pawz4me]

I think, though I could be wrong, that if you want to donate your body to science, that you have to set that up before you die. And a family member can veto it after you're gone. They will honor the wishes of the living over the dead. And there might be fees for getting the body to the university (or wherever it goes.). Something I read ages ago led me to believe that you couldn't just have someone die and then quickly call a university to come get the body. It needed to be arranged ahead of time.

 

So, if one is serious about leaving one's body to science, one might want to find out how to do that in advance or it might not happen after one is dead.

 

I heard/read a few years ago that there were too many people wanting to donate their bodies (or a loved ones' body) to medical school. Much of it was attributed to the high cost of burial/funeral services. But it's been several years ago that I remember reading/hearing that. Certainly the cost of funerals hasn't gotten any better, but the economy has improved at least somewhat. So I don't know if it's still true or not. I wouldn't just assume that donation would be an automatic or easily done thing, though, w/o doing some research.

[TechWife]

Do you think that's because they're tied together? I certainly don't think about one without considering the other.

They are tied together more often than not, but they don’t have to be. I think as more people consider cremation, donation, etc. now and in the future, they will become less tied together. The disposition of remains shouldn’t be the deciding factor on when and how a family wish to grieve together (or not grieve together as the case may be).

[happypamama]

I think, though I could be wrong, that if you want to donate your body to science, that you have to set that up before you die. And a family member can veto it after you're gone. They will honor the wishes of the living over the dead. And there might be fees for getting the body to the university (or wherever it goes.). Something I read ages ago led me to believe that you couldn't just have someone die and then quickly call a university to come get the body. It needed to be arranged ahead of time.

 

So, if one is serious about leaving one's body to science, one might want to find out how to do that in advance or it might not happen after one is dead.

This is good to know.  I'll add it to my list of things to do. ;)

 

(Although, DD knows what I want to do and supports it.  If she's on board, I'm pretty sure the boys won't veto her.  Same as if something were to happen to my parents suddenly, my siblings are likely to look to me for guidance, and if I say they wanted something, the siblings are likely to go along with it.  Once a big sister, always a big sister, LOL.)

[MEmama]

I think, though I could be wrong, that if you want to donate your body to science, that you have to set that up before you die. And a family member can veto it after you're gone. They will honor the wishes of the living over the dead. And there might be fees for getting the body to the university (or wherever it goes.). Something I read ages ago led me to believe that you couldn't just have someone die and then quickly call a university to come get the body. It needed to be arranged ahead of time.

 

So, if one is serious about leaving one's body to science, one might want to find out how to do that in advance or it might not happen after one is dead.

Yeah that's a good point. And they don't take just anyone. My mom looked into recently and it's not as simple as we'd like to think.

[OneStepAtATime]

FWIW, my friend I mentioned up thread that died was an atheist.  He did not equate a memorial service for friends and family 6 months after death with any sort of religious ceremony (and it wasn't).  It was just a gathering to celebrate his life and visit and share.  It was very uplifting.

 

I don't think memorial services have to have anything at all to do with a religious ceremony if you are not a religious person and I also don't think, if your body is supposed to be donated or you don't want anyone seeing it after death, that that is a problem either.  There can still be a memorial service for those that may need one.  No body required.  No religious ceremony required.