S/O....what did YOUR parents teach you about s@x, birth control, etc?

[vonfirmath]

My mom was not good at talking about it. But my dad told us, from an early age, including drawings on our chalkboards of the different parts, etc. He made it clear there were different ways to handle our period and they would make sure we had any supplies we needed. Not much about birth control. This was something done within the context of a married relationship. Something specially granted from God for husbands and wives. Discussion of various STDs, and reasons to be careful who we chose as a spouse. Etc.  Multiple conversations, details increasing as time went on and the door left open for any questions we had.

[AimeeM]

My mother threw a few books about puberty at us and had us watch a movie about procreation and reproduction.

 

My father and stepmother were open about it. Frankly, too open. I really think that the types of conversations a parent has with a child regarding TeA (and similar) needs to depend on the child's personality. My dad and stepmother were so open, and my personality was NOT the sharing type, that I was so grossed out that I tuned them out and didn't learn a darn thing.

[J-rap]

My mother sat me down when I was in junior high and told me the basics.  I'm pretty sure I didn't believe her!  

 

Then I learned more in high school, in small group sex education classes.  Those were actually very educational and helpful.  The class president was the spokesman, and he spoke about it quite throughly, also talking about STD's and passing around the various types of birth control.

 

My mother spoke with me again before I got married to give me more insight.

 

But my dh was the best teacher of all.  And I don't mean that sarcastically;  he was just very well-educated in all aspects of it!  He did a lot of reading on it to figure it all out. 

 

 

[kewb]

My mother's advice, which is still relevant today, check for sores.

She did once mention something about condoms. My older sister had an awkward conversation with mom about the mechanics.

 

Everything I learned as a youngster was from my uncle's house. They had a copy of where did I come from on the book case.

 

I talk and talk and talk to my kids about everything since they were little. I always told them I rather they got the facts from me instead of their friends. Now that they are older teens they are horrified that I still want to talk about these things with them.

[BooksandBoys]

Nothing.

My mom tells me that she told me the basics when I was 8 and I told her that was disgusting. I have no memory of this conversation.

My parents pulled me out of Health class during sex ed.

 

Parents and church did provide a regular dose of "education" on never having sex (without definitions) or even kissing outside of marriage, but no one actually explained anything, other than to say we'd get pregnant or die of AIDS. Yeah, it was pathetic.

 

I learned a lot from sneaking romance novel reading time in the corner of the library because, of course, I wasn't allowed to read anything like that. I also used my painfully slow dial up internet to learn about birth control and stds.

 

Oh, I did have one other conversation about sex with my mother. I was about 18 and she accused me of sleeping with my boyfriend. I had not had sex (ever) and was flabbergasted that she was saying such a thing. I did have enough of a spine to tell her that because she was being so incredibly rude to me, I would not tell her whether or not I was having sex. She apologized, but was, ahem, a bit annoyed when I stood my ground. I told her the truth years later after therapy and such helped me develop healthier boundaries with her.

[SKL]

My parents didn't do "the talk" thing, but my mom was not too shy to mention things when they were relevant in context.  I suppose she probably did it on purpose to make sure we heard stuff we needed to hear.  Even my grannies mentioned stuff once in a while.  I heard about values and sensible choices (how to avoid or get out of situations) and self-protection and self-respect.  I was aware of birth control because my mom talked about kinds she had used (and the fact that she had 6 kids because BC did NOT always work!).  As I approached adulthood, my parents gradually lowered their guard against talking about fun side of intimacy in front of me.  (Not usually to a gross level, thankfully!)

 

But I learned about the most basic mechanics at school.

 

My parents never mentioned the physical details of intercourse, so whether it involved various orifices did not come up at home.  In middle school health class, the textbook mentioned oral and anal in passing, and the teacher said "you all know what that is and we're not going to discuss it."  I assumed oral sex was kissing.  :P  I brought this up in front of my grandmother, much to my mother's mortification, LOL.

[SeaConquest]

Nothing. I learned from friends and personal experience at a young age.

 

ETA: I never even told my mother when I got my period. Seriously. Zero communication about it all.

Edited February 28, 2016 by SeaConquest

[rebcoola]

My mom told me if I was dumb enough to get pregnant I better be smart enough to take care of the problem.  The rest was all school.

[SKL]

I remember once my mom told me about a girl she knew who got pregnant, and her mom kicked her down the stairs and she lost the baby.  I was 12yo or younger at the time.

 

I asked my mom, "what would you do if I came home and told you I was pregnant?"  She said, "I'd kick you down the stairs."  I was pretty sure she didn't mean that, but clearly it wasn't something I had better do.  Later she told all of us that if we ever got pregnant, that was her grandkid and she would take care of it if we wouldn't.

[Guest]

My parents used a Focus on the Family audio set and then followed with discussions fairly openly. It was quite comprehensive though obviously abstinence leaning. When I went to college and had a human sexuality course I didn't learn anything substantively more significant than what I learned from that Christian audio set, my own parents, and experience.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[Tanaqui]

My mother's cousin, who had lived next door when they were growing up, got her period at nine. Apparently, nobody had told her anything and the whole thing was very traumatic. (I can imagine!) Consequently, we knew everything when we were, like, three. Sex, babies, abortion - I can't remember my mother specifically talking about this stuff because I can never remember not knowing it, though I suspect (without asking for confirmation) that information about non PiV sex is something I learned about in school or via reading. (And certainly she never considered having me sit out health class! My father was dead by the time that came up, but he would not have either.)

 

Despite this, I was amazingly naive in some ways, and the time I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend I had no idea what they were doing there under the blanket. (Well, I mean, they stopped as they heard me walking by the door. If they hadn't heard me, I'm sure I would have guessed!)

 

With regards to the concept of abstinence, I still remember my mother cracking up when my sister reported that a friend wasn't going to have sex until marriage. "Seriously? What if she doesn't get married until her 30s or later? Isn't she a little young to be so sure about her life?" (My mother didn't get married until she was 30, for that matter, and my sister was born nearly nine months later! They set the wedding date before she was conceived, anyway.)

[Laura Corin]

My mother gave me two books called Boys and Sex and Girls and Sex. They were quite detailed. I was the school playground theoretical expert from age 11 onwards. I didn't have sex until I was 17 and had a long term boyfriend.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Laura Corin

[Rosie_0801]

My mother's cousin, who had lived next door when they were growing up, got her period at nine. Apparently, nobody had told her anything and the whole thing was very traumatic. (I can imagine!) 

 

That happened to my grandmother. When she wailed to her mother, asking why she'd never told her, she was told "You never asked." What kind of nine year old is going to know to ask something like that?

[OnMyOwn]

While my mom didn't talk to me about it, I learned most of what I needed to know by reading. I read all of the Judy Blume books and many others, so I really didn't need that type of explicit explanation. While I want to make sure my kids get exposed to the basics with a book or two, what I'm really starting to think it is most important to talk to them about are the risks, the emotions and that, no, not everyone is having rampant casual sex or participating in risky behaviors. That it may seem that way, but that they won't be alone if they choose a diffferent path.

[SparklyUnicorn]

They didn't teach me anything.  They never talked about any of it. 

[Guest]

My mom was pretty open but very religious. I knew what sex was and that only trashy girls did it. I learned that only immoral people use BC (conservative Catholic). I waited until I was married; I'm pretty sure that, had I had premarital sex, I would not have used protection because the whole BC=sin was deeply ingrained. Scary.

 

I remember a movie in school that talked about boys being microwaves and girls being crockpots so don't fool around!

 

I remember the birth control class in high school health. At that point, half the girls were pregnant so it was a bit too late.

[Tanaqui]

I remember a movie in school that talked about boys being microwaves and girls being crockpots so don't fool around!

 

Wait, what?

 

[73349]

I remember a movie in school that talked about boys being microwaves and girls being crockpots so don't fool around!

 

 

??? What were they even trying to say here?

[bettyandbob]

I remember a movie in school that talked about boys being microwaves and girls being crockpots so don't fool around!

 

 

 

I want to see this. It's got to be really funny. 

[bethben]

I learned about menstruation through a Judy Blume book and the basic mechanics of sex through a really bad private school teacher in 8th grade.  In 7th grade, I honestly thought I was pregnant for a while because I like a boy and thought he liked me also.  I had no idea how babies were made.  My dad's sex talk went something like this, "Boys are after one thing- sex."  I had to learn from my mother-in-law about how to avoid a UTI after the honeymoon when I contracted a UTI.  Obviously, at that point, she figured out dh and I were pure as the driven snow until that point.  Yes, that was a little traumatic.  My mom said nothing about that whole aspect.  

 

Now, with my kids, we start sex education when they're 5/6 with the basics and at 12 (at least with the boys so far), we lay everything out.  My daughter at 8 already knows all the mechanics only because she was asking detailed questions.  If you have the mind to ask the questions, you have the mind to hear the answers.   

[Guest]

??? What were they even trying to say here?

The idea was that, if you were making out with a boy, you would be just a little warmed up but he would be 100% ready to go. So, don't make out. This was before date rape was a term people knew. I'd be totally pissed if my children were given that idea but different times and all that.

[UCF612]

I don't recall anything. I learned from what they taught in school and church and friends. I didn't have a boyfriend until college (he's my husband now) so maybe they weren't worried?

 

ETA In high school my church youth group attended summer camp weeks that we called "sex camp" but the focus of the camp was the biology and emotional side of sex. They were actually rather informative. Guessing those are where I learned a majority of things.

 

I also started my period a few months before my mom found out. I used supplies my sister had in the bathroom. I didn't figure out tampons until college.

Edited February 28, 2016 by UCF612

[Kerileanne99]

I'm remembering something that I'd blocked! Apparently, when my dh and I went in for premarital counselling with the pastor who was going to marry us, my mom told HIM to talk to me and my future DH about sex. But he didn't during counselling. No, it was during the marriage ceremony (DURING THE CEREMONY) that he brought up sex and...well, I'm not sure what he even exactly said anymore. In the past 23 years I've been so horrified that he brought up sex during my wedding ceremony that I've only had the stomach to watch the wedding video once. I waited about 8 years to watch it and thought, "Surely it wasn't as bad as I thought at the time," but it was. It was mortifying and horrible. I don't ever want to see it again. A few friends gave me, "Well, that was....interesting..." comments during the reception. Horrible.

 

As my new DH and I were heading to the car with the birdseed being thrown, the pastor pulled me aside when my foot was practically in the car and everyone was standing there wondering why we weren't already driving away, and said, "Your mother wanted me to say those things about sex." She was nearby and turned beet red and said, "You weren't supposed to tell her that!" At that point I was completely desperate to get away.

 

We spend our wedding night in our apartment and I later found out that my MIL was planning on stopping by that night to drop off some wedding presents.

 

They were all so clueless. Ay yi yi! I figure that no matter what I do, I can't be worse than that.

During our wedding ceremony we did a ceremonial version of hand fasting with a ribbon before our ring exchange as a nod to hubby's heritage...the minister could not figure out the ribbon/knot and very loudly announced that ' usually the ropes and bondage were reserved for the bedroom after the ceremony!!!'

I thought my elderly family members were going to have meltdowns:)

[Mimm]

Absolutely nothing.

 

Wait, she told me once when I was engaged that sex would eventually become my "wifely duty."

 

She never even told me about puberty or my period. Our church at the time took kids of that age to a retreat where they separated the girls and boys and told us about it. That's what they said they were going to do anyway. I'm sure my parents weren't the only ones who sent us there thinking, ok good, they will take care of it and I don't have to have that conversation. Except they barely mentioned body changes and it was super vague. They didn't even venture anywhere near sex. Mostly it was just a fun trip out on this ranch.

 

Everything I learned about sex was learned from my public school friends. Not the greatest source of information. I am much more open with my kids. I am extremely uncomfortable talking about it but refuse to allow that to stop me. I probably overcompensate by being a bit too blunt. But better too blunt than saying nothing.

[Kerileanne99]

OMG!!!!

I went looking for this crockpot/microwave video and came across these Rainbow Bear gems:

All I can say is wow. What the...

Among other gems, apparently boys and girls have different needs. Girls need love and affection, and financial support.

Boys need a pretty girl, and someone to do the cooking and cleaning...among other things.

They are a series called Abstinence Only:

[goldberry]

After I was engaged, my mother said to me, "I assume you know what to expect on the wedding night?:"

 

That was about it.

 

Thankfully, I didn't need any information at that point.

 

This was exactly my mom.  Except she said, "I assume you know, about, you know, sex?"

 

I said, "Yes."  and she said, "Good."

 

Then she did tell me that baby wipes were useful for cleaning up after.  Thanks, mom...

[Reefgazer]

Not a thing; she expected me to get the info on the streets like every other self-respecting kid.  Just kidding.... :laugh:   She did give me the period talk, but nothing else. 

 

I've talked extensively to DD; she is 13 and pretty much has the whole nine yards of info.  DS has been harder to talk to because he has not asked any questions that gave me an opening to run with an answer, and it's been more difficult to bring it up out of the blue.  We are working on it though.  Honestly, I'm wondering how necessary the complete talk actually is; it seems most of us here managed to figure it out on our own.  Nevertheless, I'll continue to give my DS the info DD got, because it's my job.

 

 

[heartlikealion]

Hardly anything. They gave me a book and told me I could ask questions. I was also given a creepy video from the library to watch with animated characters discussing their bodies.

 

I was not close to my sisters. We are 4 years and 8 years apart. When I got pregnant (I was in my 20s) my mom said she thought I would have discussed birth control with my sisters (?!). That wasn't exactly the issue. Did I mention I was raised by very strict Catholics. Ironically the first time I learned about NFP methods (not the rhythm method) were after I had my first child and not by anyone in my family.

 

I plan to be way more open about these things with my children. In my parents' defense, I think they were told very little and it was uncomfortable for them. Though I also know if I had come to my mom with questions she would have either answered me or directed me to information. 

[heartlikealion]

??? What were they even trying to say here?

 

I have heard a similar line... men are like microwaves and women are like ovens. It takes women longer to heat up. lol That is the saying, not saying that goes for all men/women.

 

[wintermom]

My mom's a nurse, so she brought out her giant medical book with colour illustrations and taught me the science of sex. She didn't mention the morals and living practicalities of it, though, which would have been good.  I was a bit stupid at first, then I snapped out of it and said to myself, "If most birds are smart enough to plan ahead and build a decent nest BEFORE having babies, I should wake up and smell the coffee."

Edited February 28, 2016 by wintermom

[Tess in the Burbs]

My mother said, "You know right from wrong".

 

My Dd and I have tons of talks.

[Seeking Squirrels]

Absolutely nothing. 

 

My step-mom at one point after I'd been dating a guy for a month or so said "If you need to go to the doc to get on something just tell me, okay?" That was the closest anyone came to bringing up anything at all. But I was 19 at the time, so well past when I should have been told anything important. 

[MEmama]

Not a thing; she expected me to get the info on the streets like every other self-respecting kid. Just kidding.... :laugh: She did give me the period talk, but nothing else.

 

I've talked extensively to DD; she is 13 and pretty much has the whole nine yards of info. DS has been harder to talk to because he has not asked any questions that gave me an opening to run with an answer, and it's been more difficult to bring it up out of the blue. We are working on it though. Honestly, I'm wondering how necessary the complete talk actually is; it seems most of us here managed to figure it out on our own. Nevertheless, I'll continue to give my DS the info DD got, because it's my job.

I'll admit I haven't talked to my son much about it beyond the basic biology, simply because it doesn't come up and so far I haven't found natural situations to take advantage of.

 

Maybe that's another thread: how to approach it when they don't ask questions?

[Joyofsixreboot]

I wish my parents were alive to thank. Very honest, age appropriate mechanics and lots of talk about love, respect, safety, pregnancy, etc. My dad and my mom would answer anything.

[OhanaBee]

In my mom's defense, I'm pretty sure she learned about everything from her housekeeper.  My Grandmother was very ill all throughout my Mom's childhood and I find it hard to believer that her Grandmother would have told her anything [it was the 1950s]

 

That being said......

 

I was read the book "Where Did I Come From?" when my brother was born.  I was three at the time, but apparently Mom figured that covered sex and I should have no more questions after that.  When it became apparent that I needed a bra [in 5th grade], I was given the book "What's Happening to Me?" and expected to read it on my own.  Also around that time the 5th & 6th grade girls had that stupid period movie, and moms were invited.  So my Mom went......but we NEVER EVER talked about it.  I was 15 before I started and the only reason I told my mother was because I started with a vengeance [if you know what I mean], and worried that I was dying.  The only thing Mom told me at that point was, "You may have some cramps.  Just stretch, take some aspirin and work through it."  Thanks, Mom.

 

My church had some sex talks.  I remember snickering my way through one of them because our valiant youth leader [unmarried at the time] got the female anatomy SO wrong.  By that point I had friends who were pretty experienced and willing to share information. So I guess you could say it was thanks to good friends and Judy Blume that I learned anything.

 

 

ETA - Just remembered one time my Mom talked "sex" with me.  She told me that if I sat on my boyfriend's lap I would be looked on as "trashy".  Because one of her friends in high school sat on her boyfriend's lap all the time and all the girls in "their crowd" worried about her reputation and - yep - right after high school she HAD to get married.  I figured that lap sitting was a gateway to teen pregnancy.  Naturally, being the rebellious daughter I was at the time, I made sure the school photographer got a picture of me sitting on my boyfriend's lap, then hung it up by my bedside.

Edited February 28, 2016 by OhanaBee

[Onceuponatime]

Well, there was the time my brother found some magazines under my father's side of the bed. Then there was my classmate in elementary who decided to demonstrate to me what grown ups do, while I was at a sleepover at her house. Then there was the time my mother heard me tell my friend that a certain teddy bear couldn't have babies because he was a boy. She grilled me for half an hour afterward asking where I got the information. I couldn't answer because I didn't know where, it just seemed obvious to me. Then there was the male babysitter, who thankfully was never hired again. Then there was the fifth grade movie in school. Then there was crude junior high humor. Then my mother handed me a little booklet which was pretty vague. Then I snuck and read "Are You There God?" I also snuck and read my mother's romance novels. In high school we had health class, plus I discovered that the library had lots of fascinating books will all kinds of info. Plus we had the abortion movie in my high school bible class.

 

At 16 my mother told me she had to talk to me because she just knew I was too naive for my own good. I told her to go jump in the lake. (Not in so many words. ) Just before I got married she said, "it's going to hurt." That sums it up.

Edited February 28, 2016 by Onceuponatime

[MegP]

I'll admit I haven't talked to my son much about it beyond the basic biology, simply because it doesn't come up and so far I haven't found natural situations to take advantage of.

 

Maybe that's another thread: how to approach it when they don't ask questions?

 

Mine didn't ask anything, and I ended up waiting too long to talk to them. If I could do it over, I would talk to them more often and  at a younger age. I think a new thread is a great idea.

[Anne in CA]

My parents told me nothing. Well, my mom had one brief talk with my sister and I, but other than that, nothing. I have had to have more talks than I am comfortable with, but we have had some strange circumstances that have forced them.

[Ann.without.an.e]

nada. nunca.  not a word. 

[Lawyer&Mom]

Mom told me everything, starting when I was small. (It was the eighties in Northern California. Very "Free to Be You and Me."). We had to use the proper scientific names for all our parts. She'd have neighborhood parents and kids over to watch my baby sister's birth video!

 

I wish there had been more about relationships and expectations, but the grown-ups in my life were making that up as they went along... What were they supposed to tell us?

[Pen]

I almost skipped this thread, and think there could be bias on who is reading it and replying toward people who were told less? 

 

I was told quite a lot, very early, but some too technical for me to understand (vas deferens, fallopian tubes, were probably mentioned to me already as a 2 year old, so that I'd never be in the dark like my parent's generations, born in 1930s, was). I saw animal copulation and birth from an early age, and a human birth when I was around 12. 

 

As with some others above, I think I had more than plenty on the physical and technical aspects of sex: STD's, pregnancy, access to Joy of Sex, etc.--but not enough on how to find and choose a good lifetime partner and other relationship matters. 

 

And it concerns me that I feel that I too can explain the technical matters pretty well (my ds seems to know the most in his OWL class in this regard), but am lacking in how to teach about how to find and sustain a good, healthy committed relationship. Maybe that should get another separate S/O thread.

[MomtoCandJ]

As far as sex and what not there was no actual "talk" but more of learning a little here and there when things came up or I asked (like periods were discussed when I was 9 and asked why my mom was being cranky). And sex was a rather open topic in our house growing up (that may had to do with my biological grandma being 16 when she had my mom).

[Pam in CT]

My born-in-the-1930s mother was pretty good on puberty and the physical mechanical basics, but got awkward fast beyond that.  She took the same basic approach to sex and birth control/STDs that she took for most everything else, which was to chuck me a couple of relevant books and OTOH tell me to feel free to let her know if I had any questions whilst OTOH leaving me with the distinct impression she rather hoped I had no further questions, lol.

 

However: my best friend had a much older sister, who'd left behind Our Bodies Ourselves lying around when she went off to college.  Which we pored over, over and over again, for different things as we made our way through high school.  So we were actually pretty well informed.

 

Many years later we learned that the older sister had left it on purpose, with the expectation that we'd find it.

 

 

I do talk to my kids.  But sometimes it's as awkward for them, as for us.  So I also leave a lot of books, including that one, lying around, lol.

[Laurie4b]

My mother gave me a promo package from Kotex about getting your period. There was something about the mechanics of sex. 5th grade. And that was that!

[MegP]

I remember getting a "starter kit" in a green box that contained pads, tampons, pantiliners, and a book. 

[EmseB]

We never talked about it, but maybe I'm the only person in this thread who doesn't feel slighted or deprived for not discussing it. Looking back, I feel glad I was naive about a lot of stuff that my peers were exposed to much earlier. It's not like I didn't figure out from health class in school (in my state we had it starting in 5th grade) and basic biology in science class. And I knew the basics of most stuff by high school. But I honestly feel like at home it really just never came up as a topic of conversation. I just wasn't that curious I guess.

 

My kids have the natural questions when I'm pregnant and we answer them, but I feel like "the talk" is this over emphasised thing that arose from sitcoms. Thinking about it, maybe it started to be more of a specific sit down discussion when birth control became more common and babies and birth we're less a part of family life as kids got older?

[idnib]

I grew up in a Muslim household with parents from a very conservative country, and one would think maybe that would mean I didn't get much sex education. (I know my parents did not, as they were raised in a place where everyone simply kept the sexes apart until they were married, and arranged their marriages for them.)

 

I was saved from a lack of education, though, because both my parents worked in the medical field and had many books, mostly about diseases, and my dad had that matter-of-fact way people have when they deal with medicine as a profession. My father was heavily involved with giving presentations on AIDS before it was even called AIDS, which was even before anyone had named HIV. I remember hearing him talking on the phone about a new disease among gay men, and I had to ask him what "gay" and "anal sex" were, along with" IV drug injection" and other things. He was very straightforward with me. My mom was a little more embarrassed, which she tells me now was related to her "classier" upbringing.  :lol:

 

Also my parents always gave permission for me to attend the sex ed at our school, although it made their fellow immigrant friends apoplectic. And they left a copy of Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex, But Were Afraid to Ask where I would find it. It took me years to realize I was not as sneaky as I had thought!

Edited February 29, 2016 by idnib

[Scarlett]

My mom was amazing. It wasn't a one time talk.....she talked to me constantly as I was growing up. About everything. Hormones, and the point of no return, and how we were designed to be sexual but that God wants us to only be so if we are married.

 

She talks to me about rape and molestation and all sorts of things. She says I never asked her questions but I never had to because she told me everything!

[AuNaturel]

Nothing

 

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk

[Mom22ns]

Nothing.

 

We had a funny conversation once when I was an adult with children of my own and my sister brought up my mom having gone through some girl scout sex ed thing with her. My mom looked at me and said, "You weren't in girl scouts at that age, what did I use with you?" I said, "Nothing." She was like  :huh: then how did you learn?  :svengo:  I actually remember some very awkward moments growing up when everyone knew more than me and I was trying to cover my ignorance and learn all I could from my peers. I didn't know anything like what I needed to when I started dating. 

 

I did make sure my kids are not equally ignorant!