Was I being too overprotective?

[Nart]

To celebrate the end of soccer season the parents of one of players invited all the players and their families to a evening pizza/swim party at their house.  I was unable to attend the party so my husband would have had to take our 6 year old. My husband learned to swim as an adult ( when we first started dating I pestered him into taking lessons). He can barely swim - enough to make it to the side of a pool if he fell in. He would not be able to dive into a pool and bring up a kid at the bottom of a pool.  Our 6 year old learned to swim a lap of the pool this summer but is not a strong swimmer.  So even though my could have sat there and watched our son, if my son went under the water, my husband could only yell out for help or try to jump in but then might need to be rescued himself.  Additionally, the 10 or so kids would be in the heated pool when it was dark (I assume they have pool lights and patio lights but it still would be hard to clearly see). I felt strongly they shouldn't go and my husband agreed. When I told another mom the reason we didn't go when she asked, she said that I was way too overprotective. I can't picture my mind being changed, but I am curious what others think. 

[Catwoman]

I think you did the right thing.

 

Many people don't realize how quickly something terrible can happen in a pool, and I think you were very sensible to avoid the situation when you knew your dh wasn't a strong enough swimmer. Even if your ds was a good swimmer, I would be worried about his safety if your dh wouldn't be able to jump in the pool to get him if something went wrong. Even strong swimmers can get a cramp or get too tired, and your ds is only 6.

 

It's not worth the risk. I absolutely support your decision. :)

[Mergath]

I don't think you were being overprotective. I'm a fairly laid back parent, but I don't screw around with swimming pools. 

[Annie G]

I probably would have talked to the hosts or some other families going and explained the situation. I bet some would have reassured you that they would help keep an eye on your son.  But if you felt it was the right decision for your family, it sure was rude of the other mom to judge you like that.  It would have been more kind for her to sympathize with you and maybe encourage you that it'll get easier as he gets older and you get more of these kinds of events under your belt. 

[Catwoman]

I probably would have talked to the hosts or some other families going and explained the situation. I bet some would have reassured you that they would help keep an eye on your son. But if you felt it was the right decision for your family, it sure was rude of the other mom to judge you like that. It would have been more kind for her to sympathize with you and maybe encourage you that it'll get easier as he gets older and you get more of these kinds of events under your belt.

My worry is that people always say they will keep an eye on the kids in the pool -- and they mean well -- but then they start chatting and looking the other way, and then they check their texts, and maybe they step into the house for a minute or two to use the bathroom or get something to eat or drink... and that is all the time it could take for a child to drown.

[Joker]

I agree with you. My dds aren't strong swimmers (despite living ten years in FL and being in the pool and ocean all.the.time.). It's like some weird genetic thing they got from their dad and no matter how hard I try they just can't swim well at all. I only let them go to a few swim parties or parks and that was only due to the small number of people there and the adults involved. 

[Rosie_0801]

I would have insisted they didn't go deeper than hubby's chest if they were in the pool together, or kid's chin if he wasn't.

[applethyme]

I think you did the right thing.  It is so easy to have an accident in a crowded pool.  Night time just makes it worse. 

[Joker]

My worry is that people always say they will keep an eye on the kids in the pool -- and they mean well -- but then they start chatting and looking the other way, and then they check their texts, and maybe they step into the house for a minute or two to use the bathroom or get something to eat or drink... and that is all the time it could take for a child to drown.

 

 

Yes! I watched my aunt pull a boy from the bottom of a pool once. There were only five kids and two adults in the large pool and it was in the middle of the day. No one heard or saw him. Luckily, she saved him. I also once pulled a small girl out of the deep end and back into the shallow water as she was reaching out for help. Her mom was close enough to be upset and worried that I was touching her child but didn't at all notice the girl was having trouble and bobbing up and down. 

[marbel]

My worry is that people always say they will keep an eye on the kids in the pool -- and they mean well -- but then they start chatting and looking the other way, and then they check their texts, and maybe they step into the house for a minute or two to use the bathroom or get something to eat or drink... and that is all the time it could take for a child to drown.

 

I've seen this happen a lot, not just around pools but in other situations.   In the circumstances you describe, I would not have let my child go. 

 

[Loowit]

I do not think you were overprotective.  I am not sure what i would have done in that situation since DH and I are both decent swimmers.  I think you have to do what you think is safest for your children and not feel badly about it.  If you were comfortable that another parent would be responsible and aware enough to help out, that may have been an option, but I never knew the parents on my kids' soccer teams well enough that it would have been an option.

[Garga]

I would have done as you did. I'm positive that many people think it's being overprotective. Oh well. My kids so I get to raise them my way.

 

Now that they're a little older I've loosened up a bit.

 

But for those swim situations, I used to watch my friends basically set the kids loose in the pool and then glance at them once in a while. No one was watching the kids carefully, like a lifeguard would. And with me being the weak swimmer in the family, I felt it was important that *someone* was on an unofficial lifeguard duty to *watch* the kids in the pool. I usually assigned that job to myself since no one else felt the way I did, and it was too tiring to be at a social activity and be staring at a bunch of kids in a pool for an hour or two. We stayed home from a few pool events that I knew would end up with the kids not being monitored.

 

And so many people think that drowning people splash around and draw attention to themselves to they can be rescued, but drowning people are actually completely silent. Their hands are instinctively trying to raise themselves out of the water, so they go down, and their lungs are full of water. There's no crying out or splashing. They can be upright, not facedown.

[Annie G]

My worry is that people always say they will keep an eye on the kids in the pool -- and they mean well -- but then they start chatting and looking the other way, and then they check their texts, and maybe they step into the house for a minute or two to use the bathroom or get something to eat or drink... and that is all the time it could take for a child to drown.

 

Yeah I'm sure that's a concern. I guess the pool parties I've attended have had more of a 'we're in this together' feel and everyone watches out for each other.   I guess just having kids on the same soccer team doesn't mean the parents are friends. 

 

Our kids' swim tests at camp usually were just being able to swim a length of the pool, and that's what the OP said her son could do so I assumed he was an ok swimmer.  My bad. 

 

I am envious of folks being able to swim outdoors in November though!

[kewb]

No lifeguard and your dh is not a strong swimmer, you did the right thing.

Swimming pools are great fun but they can also be very dangerous.

I can also see why another parent would think you were being over protective. However, their opinion is not relevant. You did what you felt was best for your family.

[catz]

I don't think you were overprotective. But having a situation where my DH cannot be responsible for my kids at a pool wouldn't be tolerable to me for the long term and I'd be getting DH and kiddo swimming lessons

 

 

I always select of the side of safety when it comes to kids and water. I know a 6 year old who drowned at a birthday party at a public pool with lifeguards on duty.

[bettyandbob]

You were right. Your dh agreed it was the right call. If he was not comfortable with his ability to supervise dc in that situation then he and the dc should not be there.

 

I would keep ds in swim lessons. I would also pester dh into more lessons and continued practice. Keep working at the skill so no one has to miss fun in the future. Especially if you live in a place where it's warm year round and back yard pools are prevalent.

[Seasider]

I like swimming pools, have owned swimming pools, and I think you did the right thing. Lack of skill + crowd + dark = true potential for problems.

 

And it's no one else's business what you decide for your own family. Don't worry about that other mom. Her accusation was inappropriate, even if it had been true (and I don't believe it was).

[Acadie]

Sleep well knowing you did the right thing, mama, and that some people will not comprehend.

 

Growing up by the water, I not only learned to swim well but also to respect the water. People died on our lake in swimming, boating, jet ski or diving accidents every couple years. 

 

Huge life priority for me to make sure my girls became excellent swimmers. I only rest easy now that they're both on swim team, and I still look out for accidents.

 

Amy

 

 

[SKL]

It depends on how deep the pool is.  Most private pools are shallow enough that a grown man could stand up at the deepest spot.  If I were worried, I would have at least asked the owners more about the pool and how many adults would be around.

 

Personally I probably would have let my husband (if I had one) take my kids in the circumstances you described.  I would have directed that my kid was not allowed in water above his neck or whatever, if he couldn't swim well enough to get to the side and get out.

 

When my kids were 4, they were invited to a birthday pool party for a classmate.  IIRC the pool went up to 4' deep.  I sent my kids with my sister since I was working.  My sister had no intentions of getting into the water (she was not in a swimsuit), but she could have jumped in if necessary.

[Anne in CA]

If you had asked me any other day I would have said you are being over protective, but I have a friend, a wonderful home schooling mom of several, who's son is suffering greatly from having fallen in the family pool unsupervised. There are probably a lot of women on the board who know who she is, as this was a big deal many years ago when it happened. Now her son is severely handicapped and I think he is in the hospital right now. I have been praying for him off and on all day, so be safe, Mamma.

[Arctic Bunny]

Sorry, absolutely not. My kids are pretty strong swimmers, and I tell people I'm a little paranoid when it comes to pools. I go, or they don't. And my kids know it. Everybody thinks somebody else is watching, and then nobody is. I actually prefer to be in the pool, because it's just too easy to feel like you're being rude to the other adults if your eyes are fixed on the pool.

[Nart]

Thanks everyone for making me feel better.  4 of the other families I just met, 2 I knew before from various activities, and only one other parent did I know well (but they have a younger child who doesn't yet swim). I felt it would have been rude to call or email to inquire how deep the pool was. I think it was awfully nice of the family to host and I didn't want to pester them or worry them. My oldest is a cautious kid who if I told to stay in the shallow end he really would. My youngest tends to be a daredevil, which is another reason why I didn't want to send him. If he saw other boys jumping in the deep end, he certainly would too without thinking much about it. 

[Nart]

If you had asked me any other day I would have said you are being over protective, but I have a friend, a wonderful home schooling mom of several, who's son is suffering greatly from having fallen in the family pool unsupervised. There are probably a lot of women on the board who know who she is, as this was a big deal many years ago when it happened. Now her son is severely handicapped and I think he is in the hospital right now. I have been praying for him off and on all day, so be safe, Mamma.

 

It felt somehow wrong to "like this" because it is so heartbreaking but I wanted to say that this is my fear.  I wish the family all the best. We have a pool that is only 5 feet deep but even so it is something I worry about all the time. 

[PeterPan]

I'm shocked someone would have a party with that many strangers (comparatively) and NOT hire a guard.  It would cost them $20 for 2 1/2 hours (Y guards are probably earning $8 an hour around here), and for $20 they could make EVERYONE a lot safer.

 

Another alternative would have been to put your ds in a coast guard approved life vest, one that has the crotch strap and fits properly.  If he's in that, no biggee, he could go.  At the Y during swim lessons (where children are surrounded by lifeguards) they won't allow children to free play in anything over their heads unless they pass a swim test.  Think about that.

[Nart]

I would have done as you did. I'm positive that many people think it's being overprotective. Oh well. My kids so I get to raise them my way.

 

Now that they're a little older I've loosened up a bit.

 

But for those swim situations, I used to watch my friends basically set the kids loose in the pool and then glance at them once in a while. No one was watching the kids carefully, like a lifeguard would. And with me being the weak swimmer in the family, I felt it was important that *someone* was on an unofficial lifeguard duty to *watch* the kids in the pool. I usually assigned that job to myself since no one else felt the way I did, and it was too tiring to be at a social activity and be staring at a bunch of kids in a pool for an hour or two. We stayed home from a few pool events that I knew would end up with the kids not being monitored.

 

And so many people think that drowning people splash around and draw attention to themselves to they can be rescued, but drowning people are actually completely silent. Their hands are instinctively trying to raise themselves out of the water, so they go down, and their lungs are full of water. There's no crying out or splashing. They can be upright, not facedown.

 

Someone sent me a link this summer of what it looks like to drown. It was so scary watching a kid silently sink to the bottom of a pool before being rescued. It didn't look at all like someone thrashing around. 

[Tsuga]

Not only were you responsible in your choice, but you honored the time and nerves of the other adults at the party. It would have been wrong to send the kids knowing that someone else would have to watch them at the pool and you did the right thing.

 

 

[HSmomof2]

No lifeguard and your dh is not a strong swimmer, you did the right thing.

Swimming pools are great fun but they can also be very dangerous.

I can also see why another parent would think you were being over protective. However, their opinion is not relevant. You did what you felt was best for your family.

^^ I agree.

[idnib]

I think you made the right decision. 6 years old is an age in which many kids will claim they are good swimmers because they are too young to realize what that means. A friend's daughter almost drowned at that age when she told people she could swim but really she could just float a bit. She didn't mean to lie or anything, she just had no concept.

[BooksandBoys]

I think you made the right call. I would likely have made the same decision you did even though my husband is a strong swimmer. He's easily distracted and not very aware of our kids when there are interesting adults to talk to (he acknowledges this). Our family has a history of a horrific accident that really was an accident, but it's made me more aware of how delicate life is. If my Mama instincts go up, we don't do the thing.

[Katy]

You did the right thing. I nearly drowned as a child and as a result we have an everyone takes lessons rule, and I still would have made the same decision you did.

 

Normally on these sorts of questions I think the parent is being overbearing, but not in your case.

[Arcadia]

My 9 and 10 year old only swims in my condo pool when both hubby and I are around. I had passed the lifeguard test a long time ago and hubby knows basic lifeguard skills.

 

My ex-schoolmate who was a school swimmer had a leg cramp during a sports meet and needed to be partially rescued at the pool. It is less scary because she could slowly swim using her hands to the side of the pool but it was still exhausting.

 

Not overprotective at all.

[OneStepAtATime]

It was implied up thread that people would be nervous about this if people didn't know each other well or were not close friends.  To be honest, it really has little to do with whether people are friends or not.  It matters how attentive they are.  It takes so little time for a child to drown and if adults are watching other kids, talking, eating, etc. their attention will not always be 100% on every child.  And it isn't always easy to see if someone is in distress.  

 

I nearly drowned in a hotel swimming pool because my brother, a very weak swimmer, got too tired, started to go under, and grabbed me from behind.   I couldn't support us both.  No one realized we were both going under until my dad finally realized we weren't playing around.  By that point I had already swallowed half the pool and was starting to black out.  

 

At the local private club a little boy drowned last summer.  They were doing the same swim camp they do every summer.  There were multiple life guards and multiple parents watching. Some of the lifeguards have worked there for years and the families that attend there have frequently known each other since they were kids.  They are a close knit community. He still drowned.  

 

Friends of the family lost their son because he drowned in a pool full of people.  No one realized he had hit his head.  He was a great swimmer.  Close friends were supposed to be keeping an eye on him while the parents ran home to get the casserole they forgot.  The hosts of the party knew him well.  They cared.  They had known him since infancy.  They promised to watch him and I am sure they truly meant it.  He drowned anyway.

 

OP, with the scenario you described you absolutely did the right thing.  Your son is only 6.  It would be at night.  The watching parent is not a strong swimmer.  Neither of you was comfortable.  You made the right call.  

[kroe1]

We have had pools for years. Mommy instincts always win.

[Sarah CB]

I don't think I would have made the same decision.  With dh there to pay attention to your ds and a pool deck full of people, I would think that even if the unthinkable happened, either your dh would jump in and pull him up or several adults there would jump in right away.  If it had been my 6 year old, I probably would have sent him with a life jacket and told him he needed to wear it if he wanted to swim.  I also would have asked the host about their pool lifeguarding policy.  We had a house with a pool for about ten years and whenever we had a crowd we always had one parent (sometimes more) who was designated to keep eyes on the pool.  And we'd switch it up so that the pool watcher was fresh and no one had to do it for very long.  It was very normal in my pool for kids to be wearing life jackets or for adults to be in the pool to provide even closer supervision.  

[Joyofsixreboot]

I believe in going with your gut. I would have decided differently but that shouldn't affect you at all.

[Joules]

I would have done the same thing.  Drowning happens too fast and with people and a place you don't really know, I would be very uncomfortable.  I don't actually like to go to the pool with a group of kids, because I can't NOT watch them.  I spend the whole time counting heads over and over, because I don't ever feel like anyone else is watching their kids closely enough.

[TammyS]

 When I told another mom the reason we didn't go when she asked, she said that I was way too overprotective. I can't picture my mind being changed, but I am curious what others think. 

 

Frankly, she's insane if she thinks there should be a pool party with a bunch of kids and no one responsible for life guard duty.  Not only would I not change my mind, but I would make a mental note that my  child not be left in this woman's care, ever.

[Carrie12345]

Thanks everyone for making me feel better.  4 of the other families I just met, 2 I knew before from various activities, and only one other parent did I know well (but they have a younger child who doesn't yet swim). I felt it would have been rude to call or email to inquire how deep the pool was. I think it was awfully nice of the family to host and I didn't want to pester them or worry them. My oldest is a cautious kid who if I told to stay in the shallow end he really would. My youngest tends to be a daredevil, which is another reason why I didn't want to send him. If he saw other boys jumping in the deep end, he certainly would too without thinking much about it. 

 

I've been trying to figure out, was the invite for the 6yo, or was it for the older kid(s)?

 

If it was for the 6yo, I would have declined the invite without a second thought.  "Thanks, but 6yo isn't a very strong swimmer."

 

If it was for older kids and the issue was just that the 6yo would have had to tag along with Dad, I would have considered reaching out to another parent to be "in charge" of my stronger swimmers.

 

Either way, I don't think you were overprotective, I just would have tried to find a solution that might work.  If I couldn't, so be it.

 

It's never rude to ask about swimming set ups. Or guns. Or pets. Or allergens.  Safety is never rude.

[PeterPan]

I think you made the right decision. 6 years old is an age in which many kids will claim they are good swimmers because they are too young to realize what that means. A friend's daughter almost drowned at that age when she told people she could swim but really she could just float a bit. She didn't mean to lie or anything, she just had no concept.

Yes, this!  The Y swimming test in our area to go in over their heads is EXHAUSTING.  The kids have to swim half the length of the pool, tread water for a minute, resume swimming without touching the wall, and make it to the other side.  Then, when they make it to the end, the tester will just chit chat and ask how it was.  If they're all out of breathe and saying how horrible it was or panicked, FAIL.  

 

My ds took that test at the same time as his bud, and the one passed and the other failed.  They could swim equally, but there was more to it to pass the test.  That's why I'm saying, when in doubt you PUT THE LIFE JACKET ON.  Our Y has kids use noodles during the free play (5 min at the end) where the water will be over their head.  They're totally supervised, and a lifeguard is *right there*.  Even with a noodle, kids slip off and guards end up going in.  So to me, life jacket is the way to go.  It's what I do with my own ds any time the situation is questionable, and he's now an excellent swimmer, able to swim laps with a variety of strokes.  If there's not adequate supervision, if the water is cloudy (a lake), if there is ANY question of safety, I put him in a life jacket.  Because I have no back-ups.  ;)

[Samm]

When the OP said the pool party would take place during dark hours with 10 or more in the pool, that clinched it for me.  No.

[PeterPan]

We had a story someone posted on the board just a short while ago about a dc DROWNING at an end of the summer school party where the school naively thought parents would make good lifeguards.  That is SO risky.  Lifeguards at the Y make $8 an hour.  You can have someone trained, someone who has nothing distracting them, someone who knows what to look for.  And frankly, someone who comes with the right supplies (long float, etc.).  

[Joanne]

No, not over protective. I'd call it responsive to the unique context and an informed decision.

 

That said, I would not accept the polar as valid. Allowing your son and DH to go and attend would not have been irresponsible, "bad", or permissive.

[JulieA97]

Nope. No way would I allow ds to go in that situation. I am nuts about water. A family friends son drowned when we were little and it has stuck with me ever since. So I insisted that ds learn to swim early and well and I still am like a hawk at the pool. You just can't be too careful around water since it can happen so quickly.

[J-rap]

No, you were being smart.  When some of my kids were in the K-2 class (before they were homeschooled), the class was taken to an outdoor pool every spring.  They always had 3 teachers and 3 adult chaperones.  I wasn't a chaperone (couldn't be gone the entire outing/picnic because of my younger kids at home), but would always meet them at the pool for that one hour of pool time.  I wasn't invited, I just went.  Those were my conditions.  :)    Some years later during that pool outing, a little boy drowned.  Six adults and no one noticed.  It was awful.  Those things happen so quickly, and unless a parent with a relentless eye or trained adults are there really watching constantly, even drownings can go unnoticed.  Needless to say, that field trip was stopped.

 

ETA:  It would have been different if the kids were even 12, but 6 is way too young!

[PeterPan]

You'd be shocked how many 10-12 year olds can't pass the swim test at the Y.  

[Carrie12345]

Personally, I wouldn't let a very weak swimmer swim without a competent swimming parent even with hired guards.  A child drowned in our community pool with 2 or 3 certified lifeguards on duty and plenty of adults (and kids) in the pool.  Even before that happened, I've considered lifeguards to be a back up for my (or another trusted adult's) direct supervision.

[momacacia]

You're the mom. Good for you!

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I think you were a bit overprotective but it isn't like not sending them was a big deal.

[Word Nerd]

It doesn't matter what other parents think of that parenting choice. You and your DH made a decision based on your DS's abilities, personal experience, and what you thought was best, and that's all that matters.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I've seen how parents at our club's pool "watch" their kids as they swim. I'd say about 1/2 of the non-swimming moms are content to lounge and text about 10-15 feet away from the pool while their 3-6 year olds swim alone in the shallow end (and the lifeguard is another 20-30 feet away). There's no way I'd trust someone other than DH to watch a weak swimmer.