What do you think of this? Family gathering where in-laws aren't invited.

[J-rap]

I don't take offense easily, but this is something that has just gotten under my skin!

 

My dh is from a large family (7 children), and we used to get together several times a year -- for major holidays and other special events, everyone included.  (That is, spouses, children, etc.)  It was always pleasant, and a nice time to catch up with everyone (since we and a couple others live farther away).

 

Now that all of our children are mostly grown (all in college or elsewhere), those gatherings are changing.  They no longer gather for Easter and the Christmas gathering is just dessert for two hours.  Even though I'm not super close with his family, I'm have been closer to a couple of them over the years (one of them and I went to college together, and two of the sisters and I used to take our children up to the lake together for a week every summer) and I enjoy seeing them.

 

So here's the thing.  In the last couple of years, they have started having family gatherings where in-laws (like me) are no longer invited.  I'm not talking about major holidays, but smaller events like their mother's 90th birthday, a moving-day celebration, things like that.  They'll specifically send out email invites that say "Immediate family only" or "Immediate family for the dinner, extended family can join us at the end for dessert."

 

I can't fathom doing that to my own kids and their spouses!  I mean, once they are married, their spouses to me become like immediate family.  They go together with my son or my daughter.  It just seems bizarre and exclusive to me! 

 

At first I thought the couple of times they did this were just weird exceptions, but they are doing it again.  We received an invite to their mother's birthday party at a nice Italian restaurant.  Immediate family only, though extended family (me and the other spouses, and our children if any are around) can join at the end at someone's house for cake.  Everyone pays for their own meal, so it's not about money.

 

Now, I can kind of, kind of see one point they have, in that as their mother ages, she might appreciate being surrounded by her children.  At the same time, many of her dil's and sil's have become quite dear to her, and I really think she would want all of them there.  (It is never her decision, it is my husband's sisters who plan it.)

 

Another thing is that my husband is disabled and cannot drive, so I will need to drive him 3 hours there but am not invited to stay.  Hmmm...   I do not mind the drive, it's just more a matter of whether they are even thinking about all of that.

 

One sister never married, another sister is divorced, and a brother lives across the country so his wife would probably not be able to come anyway.  But that still leaves 4 of us spouses. 

 

My husband thinks it's ridiculous and says let's skip it, and go in just the two of us sometime and take her out to lunch at a later date.  But on the other hand, it's his mother.  I want to consider her.  If my husband were fully recovered, he would be dealing with this all himself.  As it is, he can't right now.

 

So this all really irks me, BUT, I think I can be talked out of that feeling if enough of you tell me that in some cases it makes sense and it's really okay.  :)

 

They are all very brilliant, free-thinking type people, if that makes a difference.  They don't always do things "in the box."

 

Well now I'll just wait and see what you all have to say...

[Annie G]

That would annoy me but I wouldn't have to be the one to speak up because no way would dh attend if I am not invited.  He would probably be more ticked than I would. You've been married long enough to have grown children...you are part of the family.   

 

Families can be so weird. 

[shinyhappypeople]

Ouch. That's rude.

[Ottakee]

Do they really mean spouses are not invited when they say immediate family only? I have always taken immediate family to INCLUDE spouses and most often grand children.

[J-rap]

Do they really mean spouses are not invited when they say immediate family only? I have always taken immediate family to INCLUDE spouses and most often grand children.

 

Yes, that's correct.  Immediate family, to them, means the original 7 children of the family only, not their spouses or their own children.  Which is another thing that bugs me!  I certainly think of my dil and sil (my two oldest are married) as my immediate family.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 16, 2015 by w11

[Carol in Cal.]

I think that that is really weird.

[Amira]

My MIL has sometimes wanted to go out with just her children. Dh and his siblings are very rarely all in the same city at the same time so the opportunity almost never comes up, but it doesn't seem too weird to me that she wants to spend some time with them and no spouses or grandchildren.  She's always very apologetic when she's explaining that she wants to do it.

 

I would think it very odd if she did it for major events or often or if the children-only events started to replace the everyone events. Dh's dad and my parents would never consider doing it, and I don't think I'd ever consider doing it when my children are grown.  But I don't think it's necessarily a problem if it happens infrequently, especially for smaller events when you have other opportunities to get together.

[marbel]

I don't know.  I sometimes think my husband should go visit his parents without me.  I think they would appreciate spending time with just him.   So, I don't think it's too terrible.  But on the other hand, I don't love spending time with my in-laws, so it would be kinda welcome if they said I couldn't go.   (I do understand feeling hurt by it.)

 

I do think spouses are generally considered immediate family.  

 

 

[Bluegoat]

That is really weird.

 

I think I would encourage your husband to find out why this is happening.  I suppose there could be some sort of reason for it that might make sense - although if so, he should have been told. 

 

If his mom isn't in on it, maybe he should ask her whether she would prefer to have it open.

 

One thing that strikes me  - you said your SIL is the one who plans these things.  Is it possible that she doesn't want to be the one doing it, and so keeping the gatherings small is a sort of passive resistance/

 

It just seems very bizarre.

[Bluegoat]

I don't know.  I sometimes think my husband should go visit his parents without me.  I think they would appreciate spending time with just him.   So, I don't think it's too terrible.  But on the other hand, I don't love spending time with my in-laws, so it would be kinda welcome if they said I couldn't go.   (I do understand feeling hurt by it.)

 

I do think spouses are generally considered immediate family.  

 

I can see this, but I kind of doubt that his mom doesn't actually want to see her grand-kids.

[JustEm]

Has anyone asked for an explanation for the change in invite? I would start there and see what the problem was. In my book immediate family is spouses also and I'd be highly offended if I wasn't invited to something like that. I'd understand like a sibling outing that was planned for them to spend time just as siblings but not their mother's bday celebration.

[Joker]

Neither my nor dh's family would ever consider not inviting spouses and children. We are all family. This isn't something I ever encountered growing up either. We actually used to all get together with both sets of grandparents and families for big celebrations. Dh said he would be offended if his or my parents did this and he would speak up to his own family. I would say something to mine. We wouldn't participate if they insisted. It's especially rude, we feel, to our children to make them feel they aren't really family.

[zoobie]

That's supremely odd, especially given your situation where you have to drive your husband. Are you supposed to sit alone elsewhere in the restaurant? Or pack a sack lunch and wait in the car until dessert?!? What does your DH think?

[poppy]

Who is the "they" sending this? Is it one sister who is the family coordinator? It's so weird.

[HSmomof2]

That's weird and would irk me. Spouses and children are immediate family. Extended family usually refers to aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I could understand a situation where young children are not invited (but this would be because of the nature of the event was not appropriate for children, not that they aren't immediate family). I guess I could 'sort of' see the siblings wanting to take their mom out for dinner. But I certainly don't think expecting you to bring your dh and not attend yourself is very rude. Or expect other spouses to sit around and wait to have dessert with them. That's both rude and weird.

[kewb]

That is a weird definition of immediate family. Once someone marries the spouse is immediate family. I would be pretty ticked off if my spouse was not invited to my mother's birthday party. The whole thing sounds so ridiculous, I really can not even fathom.

 

I do get that sometimes you want to spend time with your children. There are times that dh goes out with a parent without me and the kids but never an occasion where everyone gets together.

 

I would be asking what gives.

[Faithful_Steward]

Sometimes family gatherings with a large family can be a circus. If there is no other animosity or family drama, I wouldn't worry about it.

 

But yeah, it is rude. :laugh:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would listen to your husband and follow his wishes to do something with his mom separately.  I might be tempted to be "obtuse" and show up anyway and if they said anything, say "It said immediate family only.  I know my children and I are part of the family so I'm sure you couldn't have meant us."  (But I probably would only be tempted and wouldn't actually do it.)  

[Catwoman]

Why hasn't your dh asked what's going on? Why has he tolerated this kind of ridiculousness? My dh would never remain silent if I was suddenly excluded from invitations to family gatherings. He would most certainly never attend one without me under those circumstances.

[8circles]

I think that's a very clear way of saying who is & isn't part of the family.

 

I think it's rude and frankly, weird.  I would definitely be asking about it & after discussion with my spouse, we'd either not go at all or both of us would attend.  Children would depend on the venue & occasion.

[Hkpiano]

That is so strange. My husband wouldn't go.

[unsinkable]

Why hasn't your dh asked what's going on? Why has he tolerated this kind of ridiculousness? My dh would never remain silent if I was suddenly excluded from invitations to family gatherings. He would most certainly never attend one without me under those circumstances.

:Iagree:

 

My SIL tried to do this ONCE...and her siblings (DH and his brothers and sisters) put a stop to it by refusing to come without their spouses and children.

 

The same SIL once claimed that "real" grandchildren are the children of daughters, not daughters-in-law. And also that the "right" thing to do is to have a male child first.

 

She's grown up a lot in the intervening years, thank goodness.

[MomatHWTK]

Oh to be so lucky. ;)

 

There are so many things my DH and his family enjoy talking about that make me  :banghead:  with boredom.  I hate to lose the family time with him here at home, but it would be great for him to have time with his family without me and the kids.  

[Word Nerd]

I think that's weird and rude.

 

However, since your DH has already expressed his preference and it's his family, I don't know why the decision is still pending. Skip it!

[J-rap]

Thanks everyone for your support!  No, there is never any drama.  It's usually the same two sisters who plan these events, but they enjoy planning them.  Everyone is always polite and respectful so it's not a circus.  My husband was always very vocal and fair and would definitely speak out, but unfortunately, he now has the same brain injury that Senator Gabby Gifford has, so he cannot deal with things like this in the same way anymore.  Yet.

 

However, it was his idea to skip it and then he and I would take her out for lunch somewhere at a later date.  So, we'll probably do that since you all haven't really talked me into thinking I am wrong to be bugged by all of this!

[Orthodox6]

Horrible. Cruel. Incomprehensible.

 

I am genuinely sorry that you must endure this. Sad to learn of your husband's health struggles, too.

 

I am infinitely grateful for the loving members of my extended family large clan of DH's people.

[Hot Lava Mama]

Do they really mean spouses are not invited when they say immediate family only? I have always taken immediate family to INCLUDE spouses and most often grand children.

 

I agree with Ottakee! Absolutely!  Immediate family means spouses and children. 

 

OP, you might remind your dear sister-in-law that "she" is extended family in your eyes! 

 

If it were me, I would go and act confused if anyone brought up the "only immediate family" comment.  Then I would insert a "why would you want to insert a wedge between my husband and I?  It doesn't make any sense because you are "together as one...until death do us part."  Then remind her of the vows at your wedding (assuming she was there!).

[Corraleno]

Thanks everyone for your support!  No, there is never any drama.  It's usually the same two sisters who plan these events, but they enjoy planning them.  Everyone is always polite and respectful so it's not a circus. 

 

Are the sisters who plan everything also the ones who do not have spouses?

[Pink and Green Mom]

That is so odd to me to include the siblings and not the spouses/children.

That said, I so wish my DH's family would do this.  :leaving:

[Word Nerd]

I can see doing that on occasion, but excluding people as a rule is just not nice. My mom and her sisters have gone on weekend trips together with Grandma without spouses or kids, and no one minds--especially since they start Christmas shopping when they have a girls' weekend. They haven't been able to take a trip for several years, but I'm glad when they're able to.

 

This seems different, though. I'd want to know why this is becoming the standard plan for the get-togethers. What do they expect the family members to do while they're waiting? Maybe they don't think anyone minds because no one has complained. I'd definitely speak up if they ask why you can't make it.

[Spryte]

We wouldn't be attending.  DH would be asking what's up, and we'd just arrange another time to get together.  That's just ... rude.  Weird.  And very un-familiy like.  You *are* immediate family, for goodness' sake.  Even if you weren't family, I can't fathom asking anyone to drive 3 hours and wait till dessert to join a party.  We'd be inviting a stranger in, if they'd driven one of the attendees!

 

Since your DH is unable to deal with this right now, I'd just go with his immediate response and arrange another time to get together, one you can attend, and not say much about it, for now.

 

So sorry you have to deal with that.

[catz]

I think maybe occassionally might be ok.  But not for an actual EVENT IMO - like a birthday, etc.  If everyone were in town and someone proposed the siblings and parents went out for breakfast, might be ok.

 

But I especially think it's weird that they'd expect you to drive your husband for 3 hours and then not be included?  I think your DH should call them on that totally.   ETA - I'm sorry to read about your DH's injury.  I actually wouldn't hesitate to tell them why those events will not work for you.

[Guest]

No that's weird and rude and unnecessary. If the mother wanted to do something with her son, specifically, she could just say so. This is someone ELSE planning a party for her and then using the most bizarre definition of "immediate family" I've ever seen in my life to exclude over half the family for no known good reason.

[Junie]

You might email one of the planners and tell them that your dh doesn't want to come without you.  And if they still say no, you could ask who is going to come 3 hours to pick him up and then 3 hours to the event...and then 3 hours to take him home and then 3 hours back.

 

It does seem rude that they would send an invitation and not actually invite you.  Imo, everyone in the household (at least) should be invited.

 

That said, I really don't have any experience with this, so take it with a grain of salt.  My dh is an only child.  Family gatherings would be very small (and quiet) if the dc and I were not invited!

[Jean in Newcastle]

The only possible "understandable" reason that anyone could even come up for this is if they wanted it to be adult only and somehow felt that phrasing it this way would assure that it is adult only without them having to come out and make that stipulation.  I still think that is not very nice of family but I could see it being understandable if an elderly person had a hard time with young people (maybe due to hearing issues or stamina or even their immune system).  

[Katy]

Is there a cousin, niece, or someone else (not spouse or grandchild) who typically shows up for these things?

 

If so, I'd assume spouses are included in immediate family.

 

If not, I'd pitch a fit until DH corrected the situation.

[Seasider]

I think that's rotten. I could say a lot more but holding my tongue. It means a lot to have a spouse that draws a line in the sand over that kind of cruelty.

 

ETA I am sorry about your dh's brain injury, I wrote the above before realizing that it might sound insensitive under the circumstances, please forgive me. I just meant that in a same/similar situation, our problem was resolved by my dh's intervention. I agree with those who suggest skipping it, since that's what your dh suggested

[Mimm]

That would never fly in my family. My MIL treats her DILs like her own children. And my family is the same. Once you are married, you're family. So consider carefully, because you're stuck with us. ;) And I come from a large family where it can be difficult to accommodate everyone. Not many of my siblings are married so far, but it doesn't matter. I can't imagine excluding people like that.

[Artichoke]

That would bother me a bit but not too much.

 

From my point of view (wonderful MIL who is very kind ), I wouldn't feel unwanted if she only wanted to spend time with her children for dinner and then everyone else for dessert. I also have a married child so I understand the desire to want to have time with my children without their spouses. It's become the custom in our family to have a lunch or coffee with just the parent and child without spouse or grandchild ( eta: both parents don't usually go ) It's maybe an hour or so out of an entire extended visit. I'm thankful that dil and fiance are okay with it.

 

Now, if relationships were strained I'd probably feel left out and resentful.

[DesertBlossom]

I think it's wierd and rude to exclude spouses.

 

Who is planning this? Is it someone who doesn't want their spouse there for some reason?

[Amy in NH]

I am wondering if it started with the divorces?  Perhaps they didn't want insignificant girl/boyfriends showing up?

[justasque]

"Hi, SIL!  I just wanted to clarify who is invited to Grandma's dinner.  We have to make our travel plans so I want to understand what you have in mind.  <pause>  Hmmm, so who is going?  <pause>  OK.  We're going to have to think that over.  As you know, dh doesn't drive, so we would have to get a sitter, and I would have to drive then hang out somewhere while you'all do dinner.  <pause>"

I am wondering if the ladies who plan this want something small and easy vs. a large gathering, especially if it is held at someone's home.  As the children get to be young adults, it's natural for there to be a desire to simplify - no need for a giant Easter egg hunt, etc.  I do think the "no spouses" thing is odd, especially if there are only four of them.  I would try to get the back story - there's sure to be one.

[KungFuPanda]

I don't know . . . I wouldn't do it to spare feelings, but it IS a different dynamic on the rare occasions it's just my mother and siblings. It's nice. It's US. We have fun with the whole group too, but it's different with your nuclear family and I can see trying to capture an inkling of that once or twice a year in old age. There's always the one in-law that annoys everyone and this plan would certainly take care of that. I'd hate to think that being married means I'm NEVER allowed to be alone with my mother and siblings again.

 

I'd never send such an invitation, but that's almost the point. The person who does the planning gets to decide these things. If you want something done your way, it's on you to make plans.

[Tap]

I came from a big family. It really wouldn't phase me if my family did this.

 

Honestly, I would just counter the invite by making sure to plan an "everyone is welcome" party. You and your husband can host or make the arrangements.

 

The logistics of a big family gathering is different than a restaurat dinner for 10. Not harder, just different. Maybe the sisters like to just call a restaurant to plan a meal and be done with it.

 

If your husband doesn't really want to go and the drive is a pain, just be honest. If they say you can go due to his needs, then either accept or say what you feel about it.

 

If no one says anything and just goes along with it, then how is the hostess to know that people's feelings are being hurt?

[HS Mom in NC]

That's not something I would do or my family has done, but I wouldn't be bothered by it.  If she wants dinner with just her kids and then invites the spouses and grandkids for dessert, I think it's perfectly OK.  Again, not what I would do, but certainly not offensive or upsetting. I think it may be logistically challenging for families coming a long distance.  What are they supposed to do during dinner? Isn't it a bit awkward to try and time it so everyone done at the same time or is one of the nearby in-laws hosting the rest of the in-laws at their house as they arrive at different times?  In that case, it seems workable. 

 

I'm not a "my spouse and I are to be thought of as one person in each and every circumstance" kind of person.  I'm also not a "one family member invited, all family members invited in every circumstance" person either.  Sometimes it's an all my siblings and I (5 total) and their spouses event.  Sometimes it's just the women folk.  Sometimes the guys doing their thing.  Sometimes a sibling or two does an activity or meal together with or without spouses.  Sometimes spouses and/or kids are invited.  Sometimes not.  That's just life.  No need to fuss about it.

[Guest]

I'm with you. Married is closer than birth, if you ask me.

[Starr]

Respond with, "Dh would love to attend. Who will be picking him up?" 

 

Why are solutions to other peoples problems so much easier than our own?

 

:grouphug:

[HS Mom in NC]

I don't know . . . I wouldn't do it to spare feelings, but it IS a different dynamic on the rare occasions it's just my mother and siblings. It's nice. It's US. We have fun with the whole group too, but it's different with your nuclear family and I can see trying to capture an inkling of that once or twice a year in old age. There's always the one in-law that annoys everyone and this plan would certainly take care of that. I'd hate to think that being married means I'm NEVER allowed to be alone with my mother and siblings again.

 

I'd never send such an invitation, but that's almost the point. The person who does the planning gets to decide these things. If you want something done your way, it's on you to make plans.

 

Like likety like like.

 

[kitten18]

I think it's beyond bizarre.