Step parent titles

[swellmomma]

Had a huge fight with my ex tonight.  Looking for perspective.  Do your children call their step parent mom or dad? Or do they use a different name?

 

[Truscifi]

My kids don't have a step parent, but I had several. I was never comfortable calling them mom or dad, even when I was young. Even when it was suggested I should. I always called them by their names.

[Tap]

My kids don't have step parents.

 

I answered for my husband though, who has never called a step parent 'mom' or 'dad'.  His parents divorced and remarried when my husband was a young teenager. Despite my husband calling them by their first names, my kids call the step-parent 'grandma' or 'grandpa' and they are on equal standing emotionally with my kids as the bio-parents. 

 

 

ETA: I do know lots of people who do call a step parent by 'mom' or 'dad'.  I know people who also consider a step parent to be more pivotable as a parent than a bio-parent. 

[Guest]

I was a step kid. It was "Dad and Janae" and "Mom and Rick". And they were all hitched by the time I was five.

[HSmomof2]

I also answered for Dh. He's always called his stepfather by his first name.

[Farrar]

I'm not divorced, but I never called my step-parents mom or dad and neither do my step-sibs on either side, not even the ones that acquired my mother when they were pretty young.

 

My children do all call them by their grandparent names and think of them as their "real" grandparents even though they're "step" grandparents. But I think that's really different.

[AK_Mom4]

DH calls his step parents by their first names and always has.

 

My kids call all 4 of his parents Grandma and Grandpa.

[Rosie_0801]

Ex tried to tell dd that her stepmother wasn't a step mother but her/ a proper mum. (Ouch!) It didn't catch on. It seemed dd didn't think he was making sense.

 

Is it worth having an argument about it though? Your kids aren't going to oblige him if they don't want to. Arguing just feeds the narcissist.

 

:grouphug:

[Melissa in Australia]

my stepdad legally adopted me when I was 6 (birth dad was no longer living). I call him dad.

 

my foster twins call dh and I mum and dad. We are their forever home. their birth mother has a HUGE problem with this and at access tries really hard to get them to not call us mum and dad resulting in major confusion in the twins eyes. I guess we will see what happens in the future.

 

 

 

 

 

edited to add that the twins have seen their birth parents so little that they don't call them anything and have not really got any relationship with them. ( they have been in care for  3 years).

 

 

edited again to add we were instructed to encourage the twins to call us mum and dad - very important for foster kids who go into permanent care to feel that they have a family with parents who love them.

[Sarah CB]

My kids don't have step parents.

 

I answered for my husband though, who has never called a step parent 'mom' or 'dad'.  His parents divorced and remarried when my husband was a young teenager. Despite my husband calling them by their first names, my kids call the step-parent 'grandma' or 'grandpa' and they are on equal standing emotionally with my kids as the bio-parents. 

 

 

Same here, except that dh's parents remarried when he was about 6 and he lived with his dad and step-mom - still didn't call her "mom", but to the kids she's always been "grandma", same as any other grandma.

[Amira]

Dh calls both of his step-parents by their first names. Calling them mom or dad would have been weird at best and likely inappropriate. His parents divorced when he was six and were both remarried within five years so he grew up with both step-parents. All four people are an important part of his life. But he only has one mom and one dad.

 

They're all just grandma or grandpa to our children though.

[The Girls' Mom]

I have step-parents.  I never called them by anything but their name.  Even my beloved step-dad, who was more of a father to me than the man I called "daddy".  I think it hurt his feelings, but Daddy and Kevin were two very different things in my mind, and "Kevin" had the more fatherly connotation to me for some reason.

[Caroline]

My nephew calls his step-father, Dad. My sister married him when my nephew was three. I don't think he has seen his bio dad since he was a couple months old.

 

My best friend's son calls his step-father, Dad. He is in tough with his bio dad, but calls him by first name.

 

However, I think that is unusual. It's also a choice the kids make on their own. No one told them what to call the step-parents.

[Scarlett]

My son calls dh by his first name.

 

And my step son calls me by my first name.

 

I got step dad number one when I was about 3 months old and bio dad was out of the picture....so of course step dad number one is dad to me although he is currently not involved in my life. I got step dad number two when I was 37 and ds was 18 months. I call him by his first name when talking to him but often refer to him as dad when talking about him. Ds calls him papaw.

 

I would be devastated if my son called a step other mom. And I won't like it if he calls a MIL mom like some of my friends do. But I recognize I really couldn't stop it nor do I have the right.

[Carrie12345]

My son calls dh (and his bio-father) Dad.

To the best of my knowledge, he calls his stepmother by her first name.

 

He's known dh since he was 18 months old and we got married when he was 2. His father wasn't around a lot.

His father got married when he was about 6, and still wasn't around much for a few more years.

 

Would I be hurt? Yeah. But I'd survive.  I know she refers to him as her son.  The sting is MY problem, not his.

[Runningmom80]

I answered for myself. My dad's ex wife wanted me to call her mom, but I didn't want to.

[Wheres Toto]

Dd calls dh by his first name.

 

I've had two stepfathers and three stepmothers over the years.  Always called them by their first name, although once I had kids we went with "Grandma Kathy", etc. My kids call my stepfather Pop-pop since his kids got bent about mine calling him grandpa.  Pop-pop ended up becoming the more special term so they got bent over that.  Sometimes you can't win.

 

Dh and I will sometimes refer to dd as "our daughter" or he'll call her "his daughter" depending on the situation. 

[Sarah CB]

 

I would be devastated if my son called a step other mom. And I won't like it if he calls a MIL mom like some of my friends do. But I recognize I really couldn't stop it nor do I have the right.

 

I totally agree here.  I really don't like the idea of calling my in-laws "mom" and "dad".  They're not my mom and dad.  I already have a mom and a dad, thank you very much.  Dh isn't pushy about it, but would really like it if I called them mom and dad.  It's not going to happen.

[Night Elf]

In my family, step parents are called by their first name. My oldest dd's stepmom always wanted dd to call her mom, but dd insisted on first name because stepmom was not her mom.

 

I call my stepdad by his first name and have taught my children to also call him by first name. He isn't grandpa. Heck to the no.

[Carrie12345]

My sisters and I all use our stepfather's first name, but they introduce him as their dad.  I refer to him and my mother as my parents, but introduce him as my stepfather.

So much, imo, depends on relationships and also ages.  We were all older (16-23) when they got married, but my sisters lived with him for years. Our father isn't our father figure.  Our stepfather knows his importance in our lives, but also respects that he isn't the man who raised us.

 

As a side note, he did raise a stepdaughter before we knew him, and she calls him Dad.

[kewb]

My dh calls his step parents by their first names. Our kids call them grandma and grandpa.

Truly, I think the child should decide what they are comfortable with.

[Rachel]

I call my stepmom mom and my step siblings call my dad (their step dad) dad. It was our choice. I think it depends on the relationship with the bio parent. In my case I had very little relationship with bio mom. My step siblings only saw their dad a couple times a year although they see him often now and they refer to both men in their lives as dad.

 

I think kids should be allowed to make the decision on their own without pressure from their bio parents or their step parents.

[Mimm]

My kids don't have step parent so I didn't vote but the step kids that I do know call their step parents by their first names. Even the ones who had their step parents come into their lives at a very young age. My step parents came into my life when I was an adult and but my younger siblings were much younger and still call them by their first names. Forcing that issue is awkward and not fair to the child.

[Kathryn]

Both DH and I have always called our step-parents by their first names. The only people I've known who called their step-mom "mom" were babies when their bio-mom left and pre-schoolers when step-mom came into the picture. They saw bio-mom very rarely (less than once a year) and step-mom and dad had children together who obviously called her "mom."

[Closeacademy]

I always called my step-parents by their first names and my step-daughter does the same for me.  Now I was a teen when I had step-parents and my step-daughter and I are only 6 years apart.

[catz]

I think it should always be the kids choice what to call a step parent.

[73349]

Didn't vote because it doesn't apply to DS, but I called my stepfather by his given name and was horrified that he and my mom tried to push me to call him Dad. I already had a dad!

[gardenmom5]

I can only say as an observer - I think it really depends upon the actual relationships. I do think the child should be free to choose what they call their step-parent. (as long as it's respectful.) and that the birth parents should keep out of it.  it's a hard enough road for kids to travel without parents pressuring them.

 

I know kids who called their step-parent mom/dad because they want to, and have a close relationship. (even with contact with their other parent.)  forcing it seems to just cause stress for the child developing a positive relationship with the step-parent.

 

I know kids (teens) who call their own parent by their first name - not because they have a casual relationship -but because there is a degree of contempt for the parent, custody not withstanding.  (not saying other's who do so don't simply have an uber casual relationship.)

 

I also know two women who ended up with their step-mother with full physical and legal custody from the time they were elementary age when she divorced their father after only a few months of marriage. . . . they consider her their mom and called her mom.  they also called her next husband (to whom she is still married 30 odd years later) dad.

 

dh called mil's husband by his first name. (his father was deceased.)  and we referred to her dh's kids as - mil's dh's kid __.  never as a "step-sibling" even though they technically were.

 

[Farrar]

I like the idea of parents staying out of it, but I also think we do kids a disservice when we don't express to them how we feel. Also, if one side is staying out and the other is pressing, that's not really fair.

[gardenmom5]

I totally agree here.  I really don't like the idea of calling my in-laws "mom" and "dad".  They're not my mom and dad.  I already have a mom and a dad, thank you very much.  Dh isn't pushy about it, but would really like it if I called them mom and dad.  It's not going to happen.

:iagree:

 

I vividly recall the day very early in my marriage that my sil referred to me as "my sister" to someone else (stranger to me) while I was standing there :huh:  . .. . um, you're NOT "my sister".  (while I think she meant it to be inclusive - it felt grossly presumptuous.)  mil has occasionally made passing comments that make me think she'd like me to call her mom.  not. going. to. happen.

 

I think my dsil still hasn't quite decided what he's going to call me.  I think we have a good relationship (it is still very new.) 

[Lady Florida.]

I called my stepfather by his first name. I sometimes say "my parents" when referring to my mom and stepdad (neither are still alive so I'd be talking about when I was still young and at home). I was quite young when they met and started dating, but 13 when they married.

 

My stepson calls me by my first name, but when he introduces us to someone he says, "these are my parents" then gives our names. He clarifies if the situation calls for it. He was 13 when I met his dad so unlike in my own childhood, I wasn't in his life when he was little.

 

 

[abba12]

I'm going to throw in a different perspective here. In my experience, children of divorced parents use the step parents real name, since they already have both a mum and dad

 

However, children who have had a parent die, will often call a step parent mum/dad. My FIL did for his step father, and even took stepfathers last name. So did at least one child I knew growing up who lost their mother. 

 

There's a different dynamic between the two situations

 

 

[Junie]

I grew up calling my custodial step-parent "Dad" and my non-custodial step-parents by their first names.  My mom re-married when I was 4, so I was pretty little.  My father re-married twice -- once when I was in elementary school and again when I was in high school.  

 

And I only called by biological father "Dad" when I was with him.  Any other time I called him by his first name, too.  

[zoobie]

I call my stepmother by her first name. They've been married since I was 4, and she has been very much a parent to me over the years. My kids call her a grandmother-type name.

 

I've called all of my mother's husbands by their first names. None was a parent. The current one is a really nice guy, and he's been around the longest. They were married several years before my kids were born, and my kids call him a grandfather-type name.

 

I don't think you should force a child to use mom/dad. An adult may prefer to be Mrs. Jones over Susan, and I would expect my child to respect that. But mom or dad? No. That indicates an intense relationship between the child and adult. Simply marrying a parent does not magically create a relationship. And, IME, by the time that kind of relationship has developed over the years, calling the person anything else would feel weird because she's always been "Susan."

 

I've never understood calling in-laws mom and dad. That would feel so strange to me! I do know people who have switched to that, but I don't know anyone who calls a step-parent mom/dad. I call my parents more by their grandparent names than anything now and so does my DH because we are usually talking with/to them around the kids.

[barnwife]

I've never understood calling in-laws mom and dad. That would feel so strange to me! I do know people who have switched to that, but I don't know anyone who calls a step-parent mom/dad. I call my parents more by their grandparent names than anything now and so does my DH because we are usually talking with/to them around the kids.

I don't belong in this thread, as neither DH, our kids, nor I have step-parents. But the above is so interesting to me. Everyone I knew growing up calls in-laws "mom" or "dad". I mean, they are your mother-in-law and father-in-law, so of course that's what you call them.

 

However, I married into a family in which the spouses of DH's siblings call in-laws by their first name. That is so strange to me. But I don't want to be the odd one out, even if it would make MIL very happy. So my solution is to try to avoid calling her anything to her face, if that makes any sense. When talking to DH I say "your mom."

 

Sorry for pulling the thread off-topic.

[Plateau Mama]

I called my step-dad by his first name. I referred to him as my dad (not step) when talking to others.

 

 

The one thing my dad did that I really appreciated is he NEVER, unless the situation required, referred to me as his step daughter. I was always his daughter.

[bettyandbob]

Every child of divorce I knew growing up (about 50% of my friends) called the step parent by his/her first name.

 

The one exception is my college boyfriend, he called his step dad "sir". I forget what he called his step mom--he justifiably hated her (I met her a few times). Well, I know what he called her when he wasn't with his dad...

 

ETA: OP, I think your dc should be permitted to call them the name they are comfortable calling them. The dc you are talking about are teens I believe. If your ex is trying to force an unearned relationship/title it surely will backfire.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Only my mother had step parents.  She did not call them mom/dad. 

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

I'm not divorced nor are my parents or IL's. But I do know some people who call a stepparent by either Mom/Dad + First Name or a different parental nickname (like having the bio be "Dad" and the step be "Pop"). Those who do tend to either have had the bio parents' marriage end super-amicably by mutual decision or to have had one bio parent pass away and the widowed parent remarry.

[swellmomma]

Thank you for the replies everyone.  The teens phoned me last night, their dad and his wife asked them to call her mum for now on.  Dd15 kept quiet, ds16 told them it made him uncomfortable.  SO they laid a guilt trip on the kids, it was step mom's birthday yesterday, she can't have kids of her own, it made her feel good, it made their dad happy etc.  Dad and stepmom went out for a drive and the kids were on the phone with me telling me what happened and asking me to talk to their dad.  I was extremely hurt.  She has only been their step mom for 8 months.  THey have seen her 3 times since the wedding.  THere is very little contact between him and the kids, he likes to blame it on me, but he goes months without contacting them, rarely asks to see them, heck this visit was only supposed to be 5 days and I pushed for him to have them for a full 2 weeks, yet he claims I prevent him from having a relationship/bond with them etc.  They are on his facebook and hear from the step mom more than their dad.

 I got into it with ex, in his mind mum and mom are 2 very different words so I should just get over it.  I on the other hand am not willing to share my hard earned title.  He did not see these kids for 10 years, he has only been back in their lives for 4, with rare visits, and now he thinks they should call his wife mum.  It came out last night that he was trying to punish me for the things revealed to the shrink when ds16 went for his neurodevelopmental testing.  He didn't like how it painted him in a negative light and decided to go this route to punish me.  After saying that he of course tried to take it back, but we had this argument over fb pm's so I have a written copy of it.

It seems to have been dealt with this morning.  I agree it should be up to the kids, and they did not want this.  I don't mind her having a special title if they come up with one, but they are not taking mine.  I earned that one many times over, especially in raising ds16 with all of his issues.  

The step mom contacted me this morning.  She asked the kids why they think their dad asked them to call her that.  dd15 had no answer, ds16 said because you can't have kids so you want us.  She has agreed not to have them call her that.  ex still thinks he did nothing wrong.  But now his wife was upset on her birthday, his ex wife was extremely hurt and the kids are a confused mess of what they are supposed to be calling anyone.  It had been a good visit for them up until that point, dd15 is thinking about calling it short and telling her dad she wants to come home early.  And he now wants to paint himself the innocent victim who meant no harm.  *eyeroll*  I will be glad when this visit is over.  He won't ask for another until xmas if he sticks to pattern so then I will have a break from his bs.

 

[aggie96]

I called my step-dad by his first name. I referred to him as my dad (not step) when talking to others.

 

 

The one thing my dad did that I really appreciated is he NEVER, unless the situation required, referred to me as his step daughter. I was always his daughter.

 

This is how it works for me, also.  He became my step-dad when I was 16yo.

[MyThreeSons]

My dh's kids were something like 13, 15, and 18 when we met. They knew me by my first name well before we were married, so it just continued. 

[gardenmom5]

 

 I got into it with ex, in his mind mum and mom are 2 very different words so I should just get over it.  

 

really.  is that like boot and trunk, or bonnet and hood are two different words?  (but mean the exact same thing in their respective cultures)  or keeping to the car theme . . . petrol and gasoline. . . . . .

 

I on the other hand am not willing to share my hard earned title.  He did not see these kids for 10 years, he has only been back in their lives for 4, with rare visits, and now he thinks they should call his wife mum.  It came out last night that he was trying to punish me for the things revealed to the shrink when ds16 went for his neurodevelopmental testing.  He didn't like how it painted him in a negative light and decided to go this route to punish me.  After saying that he of course tried to take it back, but we had this argument over fb pm's so I have a written copy of it.

 

It seems to have been dealt with this morning.  I agree it should be up to the kids, and they did not want this.  I don't mind her having a special title if they come up with one, but they are not taking mine.  I earned that one many times over, especially in raising ds16 with all of his issues.  

 

The step mom contacted me this morning.  She asked the kids why they think their dad asked them to call her that.  dd15 had no answer, ds16 said because you can't have kids so you want us.  She has agreed not to have them call her that.  ex still thinks he did nothing wrong.  But now his wife was upset on her birthday, his ex wife was extremely hurt and the kids are a confused mess of what they are supposed to be calling anyone.  It had been a good visit for them up until that point, dd15 is thinking about calling it short and telling her dad she wants to come home early.  And he now wants to paint himself the innocent victim who meant no harm.  *eyeroll*  I will be glad when this visit is over.  He won't ask for another until xmas if he sticks to pattern so then I will have a break from his bs.

 

 

 

sounds like your ex marries women that are too good for him.  wonder how he managed that the 2nd time?

[Catwoman]

sounds like your ex marries women that are too good for him. wonder how he managed that the 2nd time?

That is exactly what I was thinking!

 

I feel kind of sorry for the stepmom, because it doesn't sound like it was her idea to try to force the kids to call her mum. It is also an awkward thing between her and Brandy because I'm sure she feels like an idiot now that she knows Brandy is opposed to the idea. (And I agree with Brandy that there is no reason for her children to be pushed into referring to a new stepmom as their mother.)

[Artichoke]

My stepchildren call me by my first name but always introduce me as their "second mom". We're really close. All of the kids use the same names for their grandparents.

 

I'm glad the the wife is taking the kids' feelings into consideration. I would be livid with my dh if he had done something like that to me and the kids.

[Minerva]

FWIW I think of my parent's spouses as their spouses, not as step-parents. I like them, have had them in my life since Jr. High but somehow never made the transition to thinking of  them as belonging to me in any way. My kids love them and think of them as official grandparents.

[ScoutTN]

I called my step-parents by their first names.

[ashfern]

My kids don't have step-parents but I do. I called them by their first names. My dad remarried when I was very young and my mom remarried when I was 5. I do refer to my mom & step-father as my parents since they were the ones who raised me. As an aside, my MIL wanted me to call her mom when we got married. I refused since I didn't call my step-mother that and I have know her almost my entire life.

[abba12]

You know, I am so detatched from this, that it didn't even occur to me that I DO have a step-mom, and step-sister and two step-brothers! And technically a step-father I guess, kinda...  How do I forget something like that? lol. It's not that I forget, it's just that, I think of her as dad's partner, not as a step-mum (they got together they same year I got married, so I didn't grow up with her). So when you started talking about step-parents, it didn't even click in my mind, she's just dad's partner. 

 

I have a good relationship with her, I even gave her a mothers day gift one year. But she is Nardia, she will never be 'mum' to me. And the step-sibs are Nardia's kids, not my siblings (they're much younger than me). My children call her Aunty Nardia, because she is younger than my dad, with minor children herself, and feels too young to be 'Nana Nardia' as much as we tease her about it. And her kids are more like cousins than the aunts and uncles they technically are so they are just called by their first names. 

 

And we don't talk about my mother and her partner. Ever. I don't even call him by his first name, usually I call him by names I cannot type here  :lol:

 

I still can't believe I didn't realize when replying to this thread last night that I actually have a step-mum.... lol. 

[FaithManor]

My children do not have a step parent, but my nephews do and refer to their step-mother by her first name. They were well into their teens when their father re-married so they don't have an attachment to her as a mother. She has not be involved in their lives even for the few years they lived in the home with her. She does not have any expectation that they would use "mom".