Commute times

[BlsdMama]

Would you?

 

We are talking about him taking a job with his current company that would require a commute.  A long commute, in my opinion - 1 hour, 40 minutes each way.

 

We'd consider keeping this house for many reasons:
1. It's by the main company so if he was promoted again in a couple years, we'd be moving back.

2. We got a great deal on a house that essentially fits our family EASILY.  (Imagine that please.)

3. The area he's going to is very, very rural and so the options of housing is extremely limited.  No option to rent and very limited options to buy.  We'd either cram in a smaller house or have to build.  Time, time, time.

 

But that's a crazy commute.

We often talked about settling in our home town and didn't for multiple reasons, but one of them was a one hour commute each way.  

This is going to take THREE hours out of his day in just driving.

 

We know, if he got it, we'd stay here for at least one year due to remodeling and timing of putting the house on the market and giving him time in this position to see if he wanted to make a "rest of his career here" decision or if he knew this was just a 2-3 temporary assignment at that point.

 

If you've had this commute was it long term?

Did you hate it?

Audio books?

 

ETA : DH would like an across the street commute.  However, currently, while he doesn't love it, it's not bad.  His commute is just at about 18 minutes in the morning, all highway and rather scenic. ;)

 

We are thinking he'd need a comfortable car.  Does that sound silly?  

[SparklyUnicorn]

No no no no...neither one of us would go for this.  It would only happen if we were extremely desperate for money and there were absolutely no other options.

 

 

[MEmama]

Ugh. It's tough.

 

DS commutes about 45 minutes and it's pretty horrible. There's no traffic to speak of, but with the winter weather and darkness and worry of moose and other creatures (he once had an owl fly into his car?!) and just the sheer amount of TIME...ugh. I can't imagine it any longer. I worry every.single night.

 

It's not our first choice by a longshot but jobs in his line of work here are extremely limited, and the community where he works doesn't offer us quite enough liveability. Maybe we can hack it when DS is off to university, but not right now.

 

We never wanted any commute and had avoided one until we moved here. The trade off is that we love our home, town and greater community. Other than the drive it's the perfect place for us right now. But it's a big sacrifice for sure and I grapple with it a lot.

[Sarah CB]

I don't think it's do-able long term.  Dh had almost an hour commute in one city we lived in, but he took the tube to work so he could do his emails on the way or read work-related documents.  Cars are hard because you can't use that commute time for work.  

 

We spent four years driving one hour each way for music lessons twice a week and it wasn't the end of the world.  An hour and forty minutes each way would have seemed a lot longer.  I think if I were you I'd start getting my house ready to put on the market and then I'd just keep my eyes open for a viable housing solution closer to dh's work.  

 

My dh has about a ten minute commute right now and absolutely loves it.

[SKL]

I work at home, but most places in my area have a normal commute of roughly 30 minutes or less.  This is probably shorter than average for a metropolis.

 

I know people who drive roughly 1.5 hours each way to work, so they can enjoy rural living.  It is do-able once you get used to it, especially if you don't live in the snow belt.  :)  My sister drives in from the snow belt 5-6 days per week (the drive is roughly 1:20 each way).  It would of course be better for her if she could find a good job closer to home, but where she lives, there aren't that many good jobs.

 

So if you feel this is likely to be temporary, it sounds do-able.

 

And yes, audiobooks.  :)

[Ottakee]

I would not do it.  Unless it was a matter of keeping your house and family.  I would rather cut the budget in other ways and have dh home a lot more.  Your dh would have 2 1/2 hours less time home a day than he does now.  That would really cut into family time.

 

There are a lot of added costs with a longer commute---gas, insurance rates go up, wear and tear on the car, likely more meals eaten out, more stress for dh.....and mom at home

[Butter]

No.  Not worth it.  By the time we moved from the DC area, my husband's commute was 1 hour 15 minutes each way (traffic had lengthened it by about 15 minutes over the years).  I can't even tell you how awesome it was for a while when he worked across the street from where we lived.  That was the best.  Now he goes 15 minutes to one office and 25-30 to another.  The extra time together and lack of commuting expenses (gas, wear and tear on the car, etc.) is worth so much more than a house.

[historically accurate]

I would not.  My DH had a 1 hour, 20 minute avg commute for over a decade.  He is sooooo much happier at his 20 minute commute, even though they pay 12K less a year.  When I worked, I always had a 45 min - 1 hour commute.  I couldn't imagine another 40 minutes.  In fact, I turned down one job that was almost double my salary, had lots of potential for growth, etc. because I wouldn't have been able to hack the commute.

[LisaKinVA]

For a short period of time, one can do almost anything.  However, there would need to be a more defined "end point" for me.  If I loved my home, and there was a good chance we'd be moving back in a few years, I might look into renting my home and cramming into something smaller for a time.  I would hate that commute long-term, though.

[regentrude]

No way would my DH spend 3 hours per day in the car for his commute.

When we had a situation that would have required this, he stayed during the week at the location of his job and was only home on weekends. We did that for a few years.

 

Currently: 5 minutes by car, 15 minutes by bike. This was the number one factor in our choice of house.

[TechWife]

I would not do it.  Unless it was a matter of keeping your house and family.  I would rather cut the budget in other ways and have dh home a lot more.  Your dh would have 2 1/2 hours less time home a day than he does now.  That would really cut into family time.

 

There are a lot of added costs with a longer commute---gas, insurance rates go up, wear and tear on the car, likely more meals eaten out, more stress for dh.....and mom at home

 

This, exactly. I think your quality of life would be impacted in ways that you can't begin to imagine. 

[Pawz4me]

How much does your DH enjoy driving (or not)?

 

How much of an extra burden would it be on you?  You've got a lot of kids, and with that much of a commute you'd be pretty much on your own.

 

But remember you don't have to decide right away.  He could start the job, see how it goes, and then you could decide whether to relocate or not.

 

DH has had a 40 minute (each way) commute ever since we've been married.  So for us that much is totally normal.  He doesn't mind it because he enjoys driving and for the most part it's an easy drive.

[Carrie12345]

Dh has been doing it for a decade.

 

It is NOT something to be taken lightly, and I would almost always recommend against it.

We've stuck with it b/c dh is deeply invested in his career and that opportunity isn't available more locally.  But it also doesn't pay quite enough for a family of our size to live closer to his main hub.  And, even if we did, he also commutes to other locations pretty frequently, so it wouldn't help on that end.
He's able to work from home sometimes, which takes a bit of the sting out.

 

Overall, it definitely stinks.

 

 

[JFSinIL]

Between walking to the train, riding the train, then walking through downtown to his office - hubby's commute was about an hour and fifteen minutes for years.  BUT- the bulk was riding a commuter train, so he could sit and read, chat with regulars, etc.  He liked the walking parts, as it provided some exercise.

 

Now he has to drive to his office, which is not downtown, and while the commute is shorter (about 45 minutes) is is more annoying since he has to drive instead of having "me" time on the train.

[Jenny in Florida]

My husband did a commute a little longer than that for a little while. He was not driving, though, but taking trains. We lived in New Jersey at the time, and he commuted to Long Island.

 

It was pretty miserable for him and, because he was miserable, it was difficult for me, too. It was a joyous day when he got transferred back to the Manhattan office.

 

With that said, I would be willing to sign up for that kind of commute for myself or my husband as a temporary thing if there was a good reason to do so. If we were trying out a job to see if had long-term potential before making a permanent move, for example, or if working that far away for a year or two was likely to lead to a promotion back at the local office.

 

But I don't find driving as awful as a lot of people seem to find it.

[matrips]

I would not. I find it a stress on the family and it affects everyone, not just the driver. So many activities, practices, dinners, recitals, games etc are missed due to dh's commute. It is not worth it. Me and the kids are a unit and do everything together. He participates when he's around, and not tired from working so hard. The job wouldn't be as hard without the commute. And his is shorter than the one you are looking at. I do not have the freedom to run errands after dinner or in the evening without kids because I am the only one home.

[gardenmom5]

I didn't really understand the poll question.  was it

 

how long have you commuted?   

 

or

 

how long of a commute would you tolerate?

 

 

dh did 45 minutes, reverse traffic (and that is a BIG part of if it's tolerable or not) for a year or two.  when he took a job roughly 90 minutes away in a much smaller town, we moved.  we didn't sell our house, so when his employer moved closer - that's when we moved back to our house, and he commuted 45 minutes one way.  now he works from home.

 

 

three hours out of your family's day?  I'd move.  your kids won't see their dad except on weekends. you will effectively be a single parent during the week.

 

yes, he'll want a more comfortable car.  and you will be piling on the wear & tear reducing value,  plus increased insurance costs for the amount of miles you put on it.   and can't forget the increased gas consumption . . . . and how much that will cost.

[TheReader]

When we first moved back to TX, after being in Brazil, we stayed in my FIL's empty (but furnished) house as a landing place while we house hunted. Said house was 1 hr 10 mins drive from where DH works, with no traffic (his commute was opposite the traffic flow, thank goodness!!). 

 

It was horrible. 

 

He left before breakfast, and we either waited  until 8:30 to eat dinner with him, or he was not home until after dinner. If he left work on time. On those days when he had things going on that kept him late.....even later. 

 

We did house hunt, and did decide to build in our new area -- we knew from day one that staying in that house was not the plan, and that's honestly the only thing that kept him & us sane during the months he endured that commute. 

 

I would suggest that you guys, as a family, carefully consider what that commute really means. It's not just the extra gas ($$), the wear & tear on the car (aging it much more quickly, needing maintenance more often, etc...), or even your dh's time in the car but also family evenings -- what do your evenings currently look like? Dinner together? DH helps with bedtimes or bath times or shuttling kids to/from activities, or ??? Are you all willing/ready to give all that up? 

 

What time will he have to leave in the morning? What time will he realistically return home in the evenings? What will you &/or your kids miss out on because he's not home those times, like he usually is? 

 

Also think over weekends. If you normally do fun things, go places, do anything -- he'll be tired. Let me rephrase -- he'll be *exhausted* from the commute. At least, my dh was. There was no energy left for doing stuff. 

 

I'm not saying it can't work; it can. But really consider what will negatively impact your family more; you may decide (or not, everyone is different of course) that down-sizing the house is a fair trade-off for being able to keep your dh involved in the day-to-day living of the family. 

[In The Great White North]

For two years, dh commute was technically 45 -50 minutes.  However, traffic, construction, accidents, etc were so erratic that he didn't know when he left the office if he would be home in 45 minutes or three hours.  He left before the kids woke up and was often not home til they were in bed.  

 

He feels like he missed two years of their lives.

[MBM]

My husband's commute is about 1.5 hours each way. We don't live far from where he works -- maybe 20 miles -- but he has to walk to the train station, take the train and then walk again to work. It adds up.

 

Long commutes are a drag so if you can avoid them, do.

[fairfarmhand]

Nope. It would take an extra 3 hours with dad out of the day. Your children wouldn't really see dad during the week because he will be very tired at the end of such a day. Even if you swap up sleeping schedules with the kids sleeping later so to see daddy, he's not going to be the dad that he would be otherwise.

 

It would take an 8-9 hour day and turn it into an 11-12 hour day. Not fun at all.

[MiMi 4under3]

We moved to 'the country' two years ago. Dh commutes about 1.5 hours each way. Because it's so early when he leaves in the morning, it might take him only 1hr 15 min. On the way home in traffic, it may take him up to 2 hrs.

 

I voted 90-120.

[kewb]

I've done the hour and half commute. As has my dh. It just wasn't that big of a deal. Yes, some days it was quite sucky but it all depends on what you want. It sounds like you are thinking this commute would be for the short term which makes it even more doable, Imo. If this position is a stepping stone on his way up the ladder I wouldn't think twice about it.

[fairfarmhand]

I'll slightly alter my vote. If you have plenty of family support in your current area, I MIGHT consider it for a short time. However, with as many children as you have you really need some support if you become ill, the car breaks down, or some other weird thing occurs.

 

 

[kroe1]

Two words: Recreational Vehicle.

[almondbutterandjelly]

I don't know.  After discussing it with your dh, I think it will ultimately need to be his decision, knowing the pros and cons.  That's a tough one.  You will definitely have a much longer "by yourself" day, but maybe you're completely fine with that.  

 

Obviously, finances play a huge part.

 

I lean toward you staying in the great deal of a house that fits you all, but that commute is a bear.  Good luck!

[MelAR05]

My husband commuted 1 hour and 15 one way for 2 years. We call them "the lost years". It was awful. The commute affected him physically more than we would have thought. That being said, we know a family where the husband has been making the same commute for 10+ years and he enjoys it.

[lllll]

..

[Amira]

Some people don't mind a long commute, but we've decided that we're willing to make a lot of sacrifices for a short commute (20 minutes or less).  We've paid significantly more in rent, moved to much smaller apartments, moved for a few months, given up a yard, and applied for jobs with short commutes to keep dh from spending a lot time in the car or on the bus.  In fact, a significant factor in our decision to move to Saudi Arabia next year was the very short commute he'll have.  I won't live in a dangerous neighborhood for a short commute, but other than that, I'll do just about anything to avoid a long one. I hate them.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My husband did a commute a little longer than that for a little while. He was not driving, though, but taking trains.

 

This would be way more tolerable.  I'd still hate it, but it would be less stressful. 

[milovany]

Not sure if this has been mentioned but we came across a similar situation recently in renting out a studio apartment we own.  Would your husband be able to rent something in the work locale (room in a house, studio apartment, etc.) for just himself so he could spend the night there a couple of times a week instead of making the crazy commute?  It's not an option if him coming home every day is more important, but is an option if there's flexibility with that.  What he saves on gas could definitely go toward the rent (that's how the man in our situation approached it).

[fairfarmhand]

Not sure if this has been mentioned but we came across a similar situation recently in renting out a studio apartment we own.  Would your husband be able to rent something in the work locale (room in a house, studio apartment, etc.) for just himself so he could spend the night there a couple of times a week instead of making the crazy commute?  It's not an option if him coming home every day is more important, but is an option if there's flexibility with that.  What he saves on gas could definitely go toward the rent (that's how the man in our situation approached it).

 

And perhaps this would help with his energy level on the weekend.

[Miss Tick]

Could he work for longer days and stay nearby and then be home on the fifth to recover?

 

Some variation on that make it tolerable for, say, a test year, or six months?

[LucyStoner]

There is no way that would work for us. We would move with the job or he would not take the job.

 

One, the costs of that commute will eat up a considerable chunk of any pay hike.

 

Two that is nearly 3 hours of additional commute time (3 and 1/3 hours minus the 2/3 an hour he spends now). That's a lot of rest and family time lost.

 

While the math for every family is different, as are the economic realities, that is a cost we would not pay if we had any choice in the matter.

[Guest]

No no no no...neither one of us would go for this. It would only happen if we were extremely desperate for money and there were absolutely no other options.

Yes, that is just too long with a family, on a frequent basis. 45 minutes is about our upper limit of tolerable, the rest is just stealing time from the family and that time is very valuable. As in, so valuable we would ditch six figure pay checks to preserve it if need be.

[Tsuga]

I did it two years ago. An hour in bumper-to-bumper, sometimes more. It was horrible. While I would never say never, I also would avoid it if at all possible. I find driving stressful. I wonder if he could rent a room and stay there three nights a week and work super long hours those days--like, arrive Monday, work late M, T, W, and Th but drive home late Thursday night, so be with the family Friday through Sunday.

[lmrich]

For the short term, sometimes you have to do what has to be done. BUT if it could be avoided. I would avoid it. You have little children; the realiy is he may not see them that much. 

 

You love your current home and think you might come back to it; rent it out and find something suitable to rent there. 

[Zinnia]

Dh commuted a really long way for a while.  It was a 45-60 minutes in the morning, then 1.5 hours in the afternoon (traffic mad morning/evening different).  It was HARD and really draining on him. 

 

He did that for about 2 years, and 4 years ago we moved closer to his job.  He now has a 30ish minute commute, both ways.  So much better for his life.

[Um_2_4]

Well, DH is close to this now on heavy traffic days. 1 1/2 easy going in. He has started staying late some days a week as he only has a 40-50 minute drive when the roads are empty. MP3 player to listen to lectures helps a lot. He actually kind of enjoys it as it is his wind down time after work.

We moved here so we could afford a house. Anything less than 45 minutes commute to his work would cost us 3x as much. Here we got a 2400 sq foot house for the same price a 1000 sq ft condo 20 minutes from work would have cost. Many families around here do that as they need space, but work is in the $$ areas. His work will not move and he has been there 18+ years.

I would have no problems doing that especially if you thought that would be a good career move.

[Ewe Mama]

If I am doing the math correctly, he would be on the road for at least 3.5 hours every day, under optimal conditions. Throw in an accident, bad weather, road construction, etc, and he would be losing even more time every day. I would look into some other option, be it a different job or having him stay at a long-term hotel during the week.

 

Tired drivers are dangerous drivers.

 

:grouphug:

[Wilma]

Would there be any work-from-home option?  If he could do that even once or twice a week it would help a ton! 

or could he work fewer but longer days?  Making that big of a drive would really be a bummer, so if there's any way to do it less frequently, I'd seriously push for it.

[Dulce Domem]

I voted 90-120 minutes because my husband did this once for almost two years. He wasn't working, but it took him 90 minutes or more to get to his school. He only went three days a week, but was working full time locally on top of that. It really wasn't bad, but his school day was shorter than an average work day - 9ish to 4 maybe? I would not have wanted to do it long term, but it worked.

[catz]

Absolutely not.  If that were a job he were going to take, we'd be moving ASAP.  That is 15+ hours a week of family/home time down the tubes.  I would not do that longer than for very short term. 

 

We've never dealt with more than about a 15-20 minute commute one way. 

[creekland]

We had to commute 1 1/2 hours (one way) daily for 6 weeks last year.  We rejoiced when it was done.

 

Hubby has gone from 45 minutes to 30 minutes to 15 minutes to, well, how long does it take a guy to come downstairs from the bedroom? for his commutes in our married life.  The last one is the best.

 

My commute is 8 minutes, 10 if traffic is bad, 15 if there's an accident along the way.  I can deal with that.

 

Long commutes don't work for us without an end date.

[elegantlion]

No. I drive 30 highway minutes to school. That's about my limit.

[IsabelC]

No way. More than half an hour each way is tolerable if everything else is excellent. But more than an hour each way is an absolute deal breaker for us. 

[DawnM]

DH has commuted around an hour each way for the last 20 years.  It was an hour each way in CA. and it is now an hour each way in NC.

 

We are so beyond tired of it.

 

Our goal is to more by Fall.  I want a 20 min. max commute!

 

 

[Chris in VA]

No. We've learned how important a dad's presence can be. Save the long commute jobs for when the kids are out of the house, if you must have it.

[Mom-ninja.]

My dh has about an hour and half commute one way. It is tough for him. He does it because he hated his old job. Neither of us are interested in selling our house. We like our house. 

 

He bought a more fuel efficient car, and listens to audio books. The audio books keep him sane. He says without them he would not make it. So we make sure he always has a good series to hold his attention. 

 

We spend a lot of money on gas. It sucks. A lot. When gas prices go up we cry. A lot. 

[Mom-ninja.]

 

Have a plate of yummy food fixed for him and waiting in the frig. for when he gets home. Have the kids all bathed and quieted down. Adjust their bedtime a little later if needed so that he can see them and snuggle or talk for a little bit.

 

 

:smilielol5: Sorry, this made me laugh hysterically. Oh, if only the kids would follow this plan. Oh, and the pets. 

 

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be all June Cleaver for dh when he gets home. That is not my reality. I do, however, let him drink from my wine or whiskey glass when he walks in the door.