How do you refer to your adopted children?

[Flowing Brook]

I admit I may have some baggage in this area. Growing up I had a difficult young childhood and when I got to live with my parents I just wanted to put my past behind me and be a loved child that was part of a family. I know now my dad did not mean it but when he would tell everyone I was not his bio child it hurt. I used to wonder why my father had to constantly tell people this. It made me feel I wasn't a real part of the family.

 

So my question is does your adopted child feel this way? How do they feel when you discuss their adoption with others?  I know so many families that have adopted. They do not know my back story as I never tell anyone.  Usually I only have to be around them for a few minutes before I know their children were adopted. I was talking to a man yesterday that was telling me about his family. He told me his younger brother was adopted.  I wondered why did he have to add that?

 

Now that I am older I realize that for some  it is part of the  parents story. Just as talking about a women's pregnancy is.

 

So anyways what is the hive's take on this?

[kewb]

The people I know with adopted children refer to them as their children. Much like my dh refers to his half-siblings and step-siblings as his brothers and sisters.

 

I would imagine parents calling out non-bio stats are doing so more as conversation then an attempt at ostracism.

[Corraleno]

I never ever refer to my daughter as "my adopted daughter," and its not something I would ever bring up in conversation unless explicitly asked. If there's a discussion specifically about adoption, or someone is thinking about adopting and asks me about the process, I will discuss my experience in adopting DD. But I have never referred to her (or thought of her) as anything other than my daughter — no qualification needed. In fact, one time I was thinking about how much more difficult my son's pregnancy was than my daughter's, and then I remembered I wasn't pregnant with her!   :laugh:  (I've actually had dreams where I was pregnant with her!)

[KrissiK]

I refer to them as "my kids!" It's quite obvious looking at them that I did not birth them and it annoys the heck out of me when people comment. I had only one conversation in my life with a person who did not mention my kids were adopted. And this woman had "obviously adopted kids", too. And I didn't mention it to her. And it was very nice. They were just "our kids".

[bettyandbob]

That sounds terrible. I don't have adopted children, but I always thought such a child would be called "my child" with no qualifiers/adjectives.

 

The people I know who have built families through adoption refer to their dc as "my child". There have been a few families that I did know a child was adopted until children's issues were part of moms night out convo or something similar. Not as something to hide, but just part of the family history when getting/giving advice. All the kids know they adopted its just not a label that's hung over them.

[zimom]

My children are my children. Unless it is relevant (as in doctors are asking for medical history), I do not feel the need to specify that some of them are adopted. Now, the fact that a couple of them may not look anything like me is often a giveaway but in our family we usually can just find a way to have fun with it.

[Miss Peregrine]

My son. He very obviously did not come from me or my husband but I don't mention it. I just say I have 5 kids. 

[Carrie12345]

I don't have adopted children (though I've dreamed about it) but I do have a lot of blending in my family (immediate and of origin).  I sometimes refer to people as step/half when conversation might warrant it (one consideration would be that I didn't grow up with many of these family members, so the mention might clarify some conversations) but they're never addressed or introduced with qualifiers.

 

For me, context is so important.  I can't imagine qualifiers (for lack of a better word) being used willy nilly!

[athomeontheprairie]

I haven't adopted. And for most of those I know that have adopted, they OBVIOUSLY adopted. For the others, they will occasionally make mention that their child was adopted, but usually is in a way "we are so BLESSED to have him in our family" we were unable to have kids of our own and so we adopted. It took years to raise the money, and we are so glad to finally have a family.

It had been said in such a way that reminded me of a woman with INCREDIBLY difficult pregnancies might rejoice in having children despite the challenge

[Storygirl]

My children are just my children. The fact that they were adopted is irrelevant to 98% of the conversations I have with others.

[Excelsior! Academy]

With an outright adoption, they are the adopted's parents and they have the birth certificate to prove it.  With a different circumstance, say a legal permanent placement or other, the language used should be specific to the circumstances while considering the feelings and preferences of the "adopted" persons.

[Cindy in FL.]

My dh adopted my oldest son when he was 12. He does differentiate between him and our other kids, which bothers me a lot. I don't think dh does it intentionally, but he seems to need to explain the age difference or something. I want him to view them all the same!

[edelweiss]

I can't imagine that I would constantly refer to my child as my "adopted child" if I had one.  I'm sure that there are times where that might be appropriate, but overall it seems unnecessary.

 

I do always refer to my dad's sons as my half-brothers though.  I don't think that I've ever referred to them as my "brothers."  I wasn't raised with them at all, so calling them "brothers" would be very odd.  

[Pronghorn]

I just refer to my daughter as my daughter, but people generally realize she is adopted since we are of two different races. I do talk about adoption sometimes, since adoption issues have colored my parenting experience through and through. For example, if you asked me why I homeschooled, I could be vague and say because my child was not ready or had some emotional issues when she was little. Often, I do that. However, if I am having a heart-to-heart talk I might talk about the impact of trauma and how my child needed extra time with me because of that. I don't see adoption as a taboo subject. It is an ordinary part of our lives. And I think talking about trauma isn't bad either. People need to learn more about it so that they can understand others better, including not just my child but often their children or themselves. A significant percentage of people have experienced trauma, and we would treat others better if we understood it.

[kwg]

:grouphug:

[plansrme]

I call her "Muffin," or "Swim Muffin," or sometimes my husband will call her "Swimmy Bear" because it annoys her. Once in a while, I call her by her actual name. When she was a crabby toddler, I called her my little crabcake because she was half-crab, half-cupcake.

 

Is that what you mean?

 

OP, I am sorry your father did that. That is awful, but I hope it was not a reflection of his heart.

[AimeeM]

Maybe your friend's parent's adoption journey was long and hard and especially awesome when they finally "got there"? I'm not sure. I'm so sorry you felt that way as a child!

 

My husband legally adopted our eldest (mine from a previous, teenage relationship) shortly after we married, years ago. He never mentions that she isn't his biological child; unless it's medical related question from a doctor or similar, it's never even mentioned. DD has made very clear that she wants to pretend, at this point, like Dad has always been her Dad... and that's okay - she was old enough to know what was going on, consent to the adoption, and old enough to remember her bio father, so we decided this is her choice - to forget if it's healthier for her emotionally. Awesomely enough, she looks like DH (red hair, gray/blue eyes, fair skin). Only people who have known us since the beginning of our marriage (and family, obviously) know that she is adopted - nobody else, unless SHE tells them (I think she told a friend at school last year, because he was going through something similar).

For whatever reason, DH's very Italian father finds it a point of pride that "we (as in him included, lol!) adopted an Irish!"... but DD thinks it's endearing when he announces it (as he did very frequently when the very long, sought after adoption finally went through the courts). DH and his family certainly never make her feel less like family - her and DH are very close, as she is to his father (her Pop Pop). If anything I feel that, at times, DH goes above and beyond to try to make up for NOT being there for her early years. At this very moment he is at the mall on a Friday night getting her St. Nick's Day pajamas, for her stocking, because the Macy's shipment with her pajamas was delayed by a week; never mind that she is more than old enough to understand (she helps stuff the stockings, lol, and has already SAID she doesn't mind the delay) - he doesn't want her the slightest bit disappointed.

 

So, while I didn't adopt, DH did. What does he call her? Autumn. When the conversation warrants more generalities, it's "my daughter", when the conversation is even more general, just referring to offspring in general, he refers to all of them as "my three children", or "I have one daughter and two sons". I can only imagine him differentiating if he had a close friend in a similar position whom he was advising, as we are all too familiar with the red tape, cost, and heartache involved (our state observes step-parent adoptions in the same way as private infant/child adoptions through an agency or similar, incurring all the same fees, court dates, delays, representation, back ground and home checks, etc).

[Miss Peregrine]

That's so cute about your FIL, Aimee!

[AimeeM]

That's so cute about your FIL, Aimee!

He's an awesome, sweet, generous man - and he's cute as well :) 

He lives in a part of Philly that was a bit "at odds" with the incoming Irish population, when they (his family) first emigrated in the first half of the 20th century. In fact, his church parish still flies the Italian flag, and the one down the street the Irish flag... so I guess he found it absolutely amazing that we all (yep - him included, lol) adopted "one of them"  :lol:

[Jennifer132]

My dd who is adopted is only 3. So she doesn't get it yet anyway. But we get a lot of comments and questions because she and my bio dd are only 7 months apart. So they are super close in age, but look nothing alike (my adopted dd is biracial and my bio dd is pasty white). My adopted dd could probably pass as a bio because her hair is similar in color to my older children and she is fairly light skinned, but being as they are so close in age, people always question how far apart they are/if they are twins....so it frequently comes up that she is adopted.

 

Honestly, I hope she never feels bad that she was adopted. We chose her--deliberately--and we hope she always feels like she belongs and is loved. Because she does, and she is. :)

[HS Mom in NC]

I only refer to my youngest as adopted when it's specifically relevant to the conversation.  That's fairly uncommon outside chatting with other adoptive parents about specific adoption related issues. She's Korean and my husband, bio kids and I are all Caucasian so people figure it out right away. Even if they didn't, I wouldn't feel the slightest need to explain it unless medical staff needed that information because we needed to donate organs to each other or needed a biological family history or something like that.

 

My step-dad married my mom when my bio brother and I were 3 and 4. His sons, who he had custody of were 11 and 12. We all call him "Dad." My biological brother and I see our biological father all the time and always have.  We call him "Dad." We have two dads. Some people do. Our step-dad  always introduces each of us (bio and step) as "My daughter/son."  I remember being about 7 or 8 when someone said to him, referring to me, "She has your eyes."  He didn't correct them or explain, he just said with a proud smile, "Yes, she does, doesn't she?" My step-brothers call my mom "Mom."   She calls them her sons.  That's how she introduces them. They've never had much contact with their bio mom due to her serious mental health issues. None of us in this situation have been legally adopted by our step-parent, but we all consider ourselves in the same category as an adopted child to them. 

[beaners]

If my kids are there with me, it comes up pretty often in conversation right now. They are still beginning to learn English, so it would be hard not to explain why they don't answer polite questions. Mostly we say where they are from and that they are still learning English and leave it at that. Sometimes we also get awkward questions asking if we are from a group home. Nope, these are all my kids and I'm their mom. It's never a case where we introduce these kids as our bio kids and these kids as our adopted kids.

[Evan]

My wife and I refer to our daughters as our daughters even though three of the seven came into our family as foster children.  We have finalized one adoption and are navigating towards that end for the other two.  People who know us, or our children, well understand more of the background because we or our children trusted them enough to share for various reasons.

 

My wife does refer to my son with my late first wife as her stepson or as her husband's son.  She does this because she respects the love he has, and will always hold in his heart, for the amazing mother he had. He recognizes and appreciates her many contributions to his life but doesn't refer to her as mom unless he is speaking with his younger sisters. It works for them and they have a great relationship because of this mutual respect.  

 

[SamanthaCarter]

I have an adopted brother. I've never heard my parents call him their "adopted" son, though it's not a secret. They celebrate his adoption day. I have on a few occasions explained to people that he is adopted, but usually only when they seem to be having trouble with the HUGE age difference or in conversations about adoption. 

[Katy]

I don't have adopted kids yet, though we are planning on starting the process to adopt from foster care soon.  My thoughts on your dad is that he was probably either proud that he adopted you, perhaps with a bit of a rescue mentality OR he didn't think you looked like your family and so he wanted to clarify that you were wanted and were not the product of an affair.  Just my guess though.  What reason did he give when you asked him about it?

[Ravin]

My dd who is adopted is only 3. So she doesn't get it yet anyway. But we get a lot of comments and questions because she and my bio dd are only 7 months apart. So they are super close in age, but look nothing alike (my adopted dd is biracial and my bio dd is pasty white). My adopted dd could probably pass as a bio because her hair is similar in color to my older children and she is fairly light skinned, but being as they are so close in age, people always question how far apart they are/if they are twins....so it frequently comes up that she is adopted.

 

Honestly, I hope she never feels bad that she was adopted. We chose her--deliberately--and we hope she always feels like she belongs and is loved. Because she does, and she is. :)

For some reason, this reminds me of my dad's favorite joke about the "Are they twins?" question when we were growing up. (My next-younger sisters are identical twins). He'd reply, "no, they're six months apart." People would be so confused!

[NoseInABook]

Not to the adoption point yet but I just let the foster part slide quite often unless I know it's someone who is active in the foster care and adoption world. Then it's so we can chit chat about all of the insanity of that world. 

[Mommyof4ks]

I introduce all of my children as my children, usually by their names, and the fact that ds is adopted usually only comes up when we are talking about pregnancy or when people call him my surprise given the age difference. In that instance I say, no we not only planned him, but we picked him. To me talking about his adoption is like talking about my pregnancies with my other kids. If ever he says it bothers him, then I will not include his adoption story, but until then I do not want him to feel left out when I am telling stories of my kiddos. There are things I have only shared with people I know well and who have also adopted, but his basic story of coming to us at birth and being officially adopted and such are no different in my mind than telling about ultrasounds and first movements. It is good to hear from those who are adopted and how you feel, so I can be more aware of things my ds might be thinking as he grows up. Currently he is only a year old, so right now he only knows that he is loved and we have always been his family, but I know it will come soon enough that the emotions that come along with adoption will surface, and I pray that we make the right decisions to make sure he knows he is loved that same as his sibs.

[DawnM]

Depends completely on the context.

 

In an adoption group, I say where he is *from.*

 

In regular conversation, "this is my youngest son."

 

I was adopted myself and my parents only talked about it when others talked about adoption or were adopting.  I never felt I didn't belong.

 

Dawn

[Tap]

DD8 knows that she is my great-niece and my daughter.  She knows she has she has bio-parents and she spends every Sunday with her bio-dad.  Usually, if I mention that she is my niece, it is because she has said something that would cause questions, or wrong assumptions otherwise.  ie. I don't want people at daycare to think that I am divorced when she mentions that she has 2 dads.  I have never seen her bat an eye at it, but maybe I will bring it up with her therapist on whether I should ask her about it or not. 

 

 

If I point it out, it is usually to say that she is both my niece and my daughter though...not just that we are her guardians/foster/adoptive parents.  Usually, once I say something, people tell me that they had wondered what the situation was.  My DH, DS20, DD16 and I are all fair skinned, light hair, light eyes, tall and thin (Mostly German/Norwegian features) .  She is dark complected, dark hair, dark eyes, heavyset and tall (mostly Native American features).  She doesn't look even the tiniest bit like our family..even though we are related.  It is pretty obvious to anyone who has met us as a family unit, that she has different parents.  Usually the surprise comes when they figure out that we are related.  LOL 

 

 

 

ETA: so I asked her tonight if she had people ask her about her family and what questions they ask.  She said that sometimes people ask about her having two dads.  I asked her how she explains that. She said, with a big smile on her face, that she has 2 of everything. 2moms, 2 dads, 2 sisters, 2 brothers. (One of each is bio, one of each comes from my family).  I asked her if she ever gets asked if she is adopted and she said no. and to answer my next question, she doesn't know what that word means. She was laughing and smiling about it. so LOL  welp...... I guess that covers it.  She doesn't seem to traumatized about ever overhearing that she isn't living with her bios.  LOL .....for tonight at least. Tomorrow....?

[ajfries]

My dad adopted me when I was 5 (I was the product of a previous relationship of my mothers'; I've never met my biological father)...he's a big, giant red-headed man & my mom is a petite white woman, and my little sister (half sister, I guess) is a red head.

 

I'm half Puerto Rican, with big black curly hair. :D

 

Needless to say the the 4 of us walking down the street was always a game of (cue Sesame Street) "One of these things is not like the others...one of these things just doesn't belong"...despite that, my dad would often express (to my mother) the hope that I "didn't get his bad eyesight" or other various things. My mother would always have to remind him that I was not genetically his. :lol:

 

He was not there when I was born, he wasn't there for any of my "firsts" and yet the man loves me so deeply that he completely forgets that I'm not "his". We butted heads as I was growing up (we're very much alike & both very stubborn) but I never felt like I didn't belong. People would often comment that my sister & I didn't look alike & they usually felt like real jerks when we told them we had different dads, even though it was a non-issue in our family.

[AimeeM]

This is so sweet :)

When DD's adoption first went through, she would express to people that she is no longer Irish - she's Italian now :D 

When people comment on how much her and Tony look alike, they just smile at each other and comment that they know, lol.

My dad adopted me when I was 5 (I was the product of a previous relationship of my mothers'; I've never met my biological father)...he's a big, giant red-headed man & my mom is a petite white woman, and my little sister (half sister, I guess) is a red head.

 

I'm half Puerto Rican, with big black curly hair. :D

 

Needless to say the the 4 of us walking down the street was always a game of (cue Sesame Street) "One of these things is not like the others...one of these things just doesn't belong"...despite that, my dad would often express (to my mother) the hope that I "didn't get his bad eyesight" or other various things. My mother would always have to remind him that I was not genetically his. :lol:

 

He was not there when I was born, he wasn't there for any of my "firsts" and yet the man loves me so deeply that he completely forgets that I'm not "his". We butted heads as I was growing up (we're very much alike & both very stubborn) but I never felt like I didn't belong. People would often comment that my sister & I didn't look alike & they usually felt like real jerks when we told them we had different dads, even though it was a non-issue in our family.

 

[Ewe Mama]

They are simply my children. It is very obvious to outsiders that we did adopt three of them. We talk about adoption openly with our friends and family, mainly because adoption has been a part of our friends' lives, as well. I get lots of questions about who does Joy's hair (I do) and how I learned to take care of her kinky curly curls (by reading, practicing, and asking questions). For the most part, we live in an area where adoption, including transracial adoption, is just an accepted, almost ordinary way of life.

 

As an aside, I did not know my father had been adopted until I was well into my teens. It was not a secret, it was simply never discussed. He was never referred to as their "adopted son" because he was their only son, so they never felt a need to differentiate between adopted or bio. I cringe when I hear people do that, though. I can't imagine what it would feel like to hear it all of your life.

 

:grouphug: to anyone who has been hurt by such statements.

[aggieamy]

DS is adopted and DD is legally my step-daughter.  We love it when people look at DS and then DH and comment that he looks just like his dad. (He does!  They both have the same face shape, eye color, hair color, it's pretty cool.)  Then they look at DD and say "But she looks just like her mom."   :laugh:   

 

I refer to them as my kids.  If for some reason I need to explain more (like people who had known me in college and know I didn't have a kid then) I say that DD is legally my step-daughter or DS was adopted.  In our circle of friends/family adoption is extremely common and we talk about it a lot. It's part of their life story.  It's part of our life story.  A very happy part of it.  In our close circle - my BFF is a birthmother, my father is a birthfather, my cousin made an adoption plan and we are all now friends with the family that adopted her son, and another dear friend of mine adopted from Japan a few years ago.  It would almost feel unnatural to not talk about - when I'm out Christmas shopping and pick up something for DS's birthmother I don't make a point of pretending it's for someone else.  

 

My dad adopted me when I was 5 (I was the product of a previous relationship of my mothers'; I've never met my biological father)...he's a big, giant red-headed man & my mom is a petite white woman, and my little sister (half sister, I guess) is a red head.

 

I'm half Puerto Rican, with big black curly hair. :D

 

Needless to say the the 4 of us walking down the street was always a game of (cue Sesame Street) "One of these things is not like the others...one of these things just doesn't belong"...despite that, my dad would often express (to my mother) the hope that I "didn't get his bad eyesight" or other various things. My mother would always have to remind him that I was not genetically his. :lol:

 

He was not there when I was born, he wasn't there for any of my "firsts" and yet the man loves me so deeply that he completely forgets that I'm not "his". We butted heads as I was growing up (we're very much alike & both very stubborn) but I never felt like I didn't belong. People would often comment that my sister & I didn't look alike & they usually felt like real jerks when we told them we had different dads, even though it was a non-issue in our family.

 

I love your story.  It just makes me so happy to hear of such a loving family.  

[Elisabet1]

My husband is adopted. I have seen so much deplorable behavior there. His adoptive mother would always tell him he is adopted so he is a defect. And when you adopt, you never know what you will get. And he is lucky they adopted him because otherwise, he would have ended up in a dumpster. Well, we know his birth family now and that has been healing for him. But I know not everyone who was adopted will get that. And his adoptive parents seemed to hang around a lot of nasty people just like them. One family has the golden child perfect son and the other, the bad one. Both were adopted. So they made a point of telling everyone the second was adopted. I heard MIL and their mother sit around talking about defects and not knowing what you are going to get and how hard it is to deal with adopted kids and so on, because of the second child. But the first child was adopted too. And I met the second child. I do not think he was that bad. I think he was made in to a villain by his horrible adoptive parents.

 

I have some cousins who were adopted and some friends too, who never ever went through this junk. But as a mom, I knew a couple..they were both Methodist pastors..and their child had issues and they made a big deal of blaming the fact that he was adopted. But I did a lot of volunteer work at the school (this was when my older was in grade school, public school) and the parents ignored him, never even showed up when he presented something he wrote at school. They were awful. But they blamed the child.

[Scarlett]

I think about this a lot......I wasn't adopted....but had a different bio dad than my brother....my super honest mom always felt she had to admit ( for lack of a better word) this fact to everyone.....I always felt the misfit....but I honestly don't know how kids like me can avoid that completely.

 

 

Now as an adult I am trying hard to live as myself with no shame.

[violamama]

...

So my question is does your adopted child feel this way? How do they feel when you discuss their adoption with others?

...

 

He told me his younger brother was adopted.  I wondered why did he have to add that?

 

...

 

So anyways what is the hive's take on this?

 

My child is just under 2 and has only been home a few months. She is also a Chinese daughter in a white family, so there is no pretending either way. I only mention this because there was a LOT of training in the process to adopt that talked about how to help her with feelings that might come up because of this. It sounds like your relationship with your dad might have benefited from a bit of that kind of thing, and there are counselors who specialize in helping adult children of adoption and their families.  

 

The question "how do they feel when you discuss their adoption" will probably have a different answer through the years. I hope to navigate those years with our girl in a way that helps her most because she is completely and entirely my beloved child. I hope to keep thinking about the answer to that question any time I choose to discuss her adoption. 

...

Sometimes I think people are excited to talk about their loved one, or they want to talk on a deeper level with you, or they think you might have a kindred experience. And then sometimes people are just insensitive or selfish. It's hard to tell which reason caused that man to talk about it, or your dad for that matter. 

 

I don't remember people talking about adoption much until we were in the process ourselves. Suddenly so many friends, family and acquaintances were volunteering information about their own experiences. I love it, but I can only imagine if you have any raw emotions that might grate on you after a while. It would stick out and sting any time anybody mentions it. I'm sorry. 

...

My take is that maybe (best case scenario) your dad didn't know what to say and had various good motivations and intentions. He may never have thought twice about what it meant to you or how it made you feel. That's too bad, and in our generation most people are taught to consider those things. Is it possible your dad didn't think or intend to hurt you? And please know I don't mean in any way to minimize your painful experience. It's just that for me, parenting my daughter is already one of the greatest privileges of my life. Her adoption in our family began with such deep losses for her, I hope despite my own glaring imperfections to do everything we can to help her know she is treasured where she is now.

[mom@shiloh]

Half of my children were adopted.  Were.  As in, it was an event that happened in our lives the same way that the other half of my children were born in such-and-such a place.  We refer to it when we are discussing or explaining past history. The rest of the time they're all just my kids.  

[umsami]

I was adopted at birth 46 years ago as was my brother.  My parents referred to us as their children (my daughter, my son.)  We referred to them as Mom and Dad....not adopted Mom and adopted Dad.

 

The adoption was one day in our lives.  It did not define our family.  I never felt anything but loved.  I never felt that I was any less loved (or more loved for that matter) because I was adopted.  

 

When i was older and especially after I had kids, I really had a hard time understanding what was so wrong with me that my Mom could give me away.  I know things were different back then....I get that intellectually....but on a deeper level, it's still hard for me to accept.  I remember looking in the mirror as a teen wondering what defect I had that would cause my own mother to give me away.  I felt this even though I was loved beyond belief, given every opportunity (heck, spoiled), etc.

 

It was never a secret.  My parents were open about it....we were open about it.... yet, to be honest, people forget regardless.  I've heard from many people how much I sound like my Mom on the phone, etc.  

 

I don't know if things would have been different had their been open adoptions back then.  Perhaps we'd need to use words like BioMom and BioDad.  I don't know.  

[Liz CA]

I refer to them as "my kids!" It's quite obvious looking at them that I did not birth them and it annoys the heck out of me when people comment. I had only one conversation in my life with a person who did not mention my kids were adopted. And this woman had "obviously adopted kids", too. And I didn't mention it to her. And it was very nice. They were just "our kids".

 

Seriously? The majority of people say something in front of your children?? I cannot even imagine saying something just to the parent if it were a casual acquaintance.

[violamama]

Seriously? The majority of people say something in front of your children?? I cannot even imagine saying something just to the parent if it were a casual acquaintance.

I know, me either. But I hear from mom friends that it does get mentioned a LOT and often with little to no tact in relation to the child. And that's where I think it is a bit different generationally, but perhaps that's wishful thinking. We haven't had much mention though we get smiles. She's still little, though, so perhaps the more annoying times are coming. 

[sparrow]

I was adopted in the 70s as an infant. My family always just referred to me as their daughter and as an adoptive mom, I just refer to my kids as my kids. We don't look the same, so it's obvious they're adopted. If people have serious questions about adoption, I will answer them. If they're being nosy, and believe me, I know the difference, I say, "Why do you ask?"

 

I'm so sorry you've been hurt :grouphug: .

[Miss Peregrine]

I had a lady once say, "Oh, he must look like his dad." I was feeling feisty so I said, "I'm not sure who his dad is." That shut her up. :lol:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I haven't read the thread yet, but.....

 

In general, I say "my children" in general conversation. But the fact that my three are adopted and the youngest three are foster comes up very regularly.  At first, I really wanted to make that stop happening.  They are JUST my kids no matter how they come here, how long they are staying, or whatever.  However, this world is awfully nosey.

 

But another thing kept happening.  First, I feel that my children's adoption is SPECIAL. We have a large age difference between my young adult children and my middle kids.  So just like someone might say, "and he was our little unplanned surprise" or whatever, I feel it is SPECIAL that we CHOSE to add a few more kids to our family "later."  I often say, "The first two had the nerve to grow up so we went and got a few more."  And adoption is special to us.  My kids know we CHOSE them, that God made sure they were here.  They aren't outsiders, they are my very reason for getting up each morning!  

Second, I want to let other people know they can do this too.  I *regularly* say, "there are more where these came from" regardless which of my younger kids they are ooh and ahhing over.  Fact is, there *is* a *real* need for people willing to get "too attached" to these kids, to provide a loving home for them while they are with them, and to adopt.  If we kept our story quiet, we might not inspire the next person to jump in and help!  

Now, if my children felt we were singling them out the other way, I absolutely would MAKE myself quit.  But I really think my kids think it is a GOOD thing to be singled out, much  like they would if they were 1st place at a gymnastics meet or spelling bee :) And being an adopted member of this family is something they never have taken from them.  

[Desert Strawberry]

I have not adopted, but I come from an adoptive family. I don't recall it ever being mentioned. It was just normal to me, and still is now that we are all grown up. My cousins are my cousins, their parents are their parents, my brother is my brother. 

 

It never occurred to me that my brother is my "half-brother" or that D's sisters and brother are half-siblings until now. We (each family) grew up all together from birth or toddlerhood. We are siblings. I am aware of the lack of shared genetics, but I never thought about that impacting our relationships. 

 

I do think that adoption stories are meaningful, important, and nothing to hide. I love hearing them. I know some parents enjoy sharing them. I met a mom recently who had three internationally adopted daughters. I am so glad that she was happy to share her story. She actually thanked me for listening! I didn't want to ask, because it could be awkward, but it went well. She's a great lady with a beautiful family. 

 

[Ottakee]

My signature here mentions that all 3 of mine are adopted.  I do that here as I join a lot of threads on foster care, special needs adoption, older child adoption, fetal alcohol, etc

 

In real life, it doesn't come up that much.  MIL has more of an issue with it in that she treats her bio grandson better than our kids but he is now 22 and has lived out of state for 6 years so it isn't as much of an in your face issue as dh and I and our kids is all she has.

 

Today is our youngest's 18th birthday and she came 2 days later.  We went from zero kids to 3 kids in 15 months that were then 8 1/2, 14 months and a newborn.

 

Maybe it comes up more in my day to day conversations than it should be I do a lot with foster care, adoption, etc. here locally and often have people that are very interested in our story as they are interested in adoption, etc.

 

I don't though introduce them to others as my "adopted children" etc.  They are just mine.

[Splash]

All five of my children were adopted.  I just referr to them as my kids and I'm their mom, no labels.  It's pretty obvious they're adopted as they are Korean and I'm not.

 

 

[SKL]

I think this has changed over the years.  Nowadays people generally don't make the distinction unless it is pertinent to the conversation.  (For example, if someone asks me something about my kids' infancy and I didn't have custody of them at that age.)  I can't think of any time it has been necessary for me to bring it up in front of my kids.

 

That said, my kids are obviously biologically different from me (interracial adoption).  People either can see that they were adopted, or they will ask (often in front of my kids).  We are not ashamed of being an adoptive family, so I will answer and all that, but no, I don't bring it up.

 

My kids, however, still have times when they feel funny / badly about being adopted.  They grieve the fact that they didn't inherit traits from me etc.  They've told me they are the odd ones out in our extended family, even though I have not ever heard/seen anyone treating them differently.  From being in contact with many other adoptive parents, I understand this is a natural part of growing up for an adopted child.  It's not something we cause or prevent, but we try to be understanding about it.

[aggieamy]

I haven't read the thread yet, but.....

 

In general, I say "my children" in general conversation. But the fact that my three are adopted and the youngest three are foster comes up very regularly.  At first, I really wanted to make that stop happening.  They are JUST my kids no matter how they come here, how long they are staying, or whatever.  However, this world is awfully nosey.

 

But another thing kept happening.  First, I feel that my children's adoption is SPECIAL. We have a large age difference between my young adult children and my middle kids.  So just like someone might say, "and he was our little unplanned surprise" or whatever, I feel it is SPECIAL that we CHOSE to add a few more kids to our family "later."  I often say, "The first two had the nerve to grow up so we went and got a few more."  And adoption is special to us.  My kids know we CHOSE them, that God made sure they were here.  They aren't outsiders, they are my very reason for getting up each morning!  

 

Second, I want to let other people know they can do this too.  I *regularly* say, "there are more where these came from" regardless which of my younger kids they are ooh and ahhing over.  Fact is, there *is* a *real* need for people willing to get "too attached" to these kids, to provide a loving home for them while they are with them, and to adopt.  If we kept our story quiet, we might not inspire the next person to jump in and help!  

 

Now, if my children felt we were singling them out the other way, I absolutely would MAKE myself quit.  But I really think my kids think it is a GOOD thing to be singled out, much  like they would if they were 1st place at a gymnastics meet or spelling bee :) And being an adopted member of this family is something they never have taken from them.  

 

You have summed up very well how I feel about it.  I love talking about DS's adoption story.  It was such a wonderful and special circumstance.  I don't feel it singles him out negatively but instead adds to the conversation.  If a group of casual acquaintances I know are sitting around talking about their birth and hospital stories I don't want to just sit there quietly.  I want to join in!  I can't talk about it without briefly mentioning that DS was adopted because the story wouldn't make sense with us arriving at the hospital two hours after DS was born.  

[SKL]

I think that the passage of time since the adoption affects this too.  When my kids were recently adopted, it was a big deal in my head.  Adoption is one of the most exciting, emotional, stressful experiences many of us have been through.  We're so pleased and proud to finally have these kids to take around and introduce to everything and everyone.  As the years pass, it becomes just "our normal" and we tend to forget we look different from other families.  :)

 

So there was a time when I almost wished people would ask me about my kids' adoption so I could talk their ears off.  Then there was a time when I wished they wouldn't, because I didn't want my kids to feel different.  Now I just take it as it comes, and most people have the sense to not fuss over my kids' differences since they are old enough to feel singled out.

 

I'm just glad that when my kids were recently adopted, they were also pretty young.  That age when everyone oohs and ahhs and stares at all babies and tots.  I don't think my "excited recent adoptive mom" behavior would have gone over as well at their present age.