The Dreaded Call

[Jean in Newcastle]

Some of you know how hard the last couple of months have been with the ILs.  MIL - 3x in the ER in two weeks because of bloodsugar issues.  The doctor refusing to release her unless we had home health care.  The daily visits and problems I've had to deal with regarding home health care.  Discovering that both MIL and FIL have much higher needs than we ever suspected.  Sunday we moved their stuff to a retirement home.  Yesterday we moved them.  I just got a call from FIL "We want to go back to our house.  We don't want to live here any more."  I'm fairly sure that it is because they were both required to dress and go to breakfast.  

 

Sigh.  I cannot go back to ignoring my own health and house and even school for my kids.  Dh cannot go back to sometimes only getting 1 hour of sleep because he works 2 jobs and taking care of his parents has been like having a third job.  SIL, I'm fairly sure, can't go back to twice daily visits to cover the hours I couldn't be there.  

[Amy in NH]

They'll get used to it.  :grouphug:

[TammyinTN]

There will be an adjustment period, they really need to stay for so many reasons.  Big  :grouphug:  Jean!!

[MysteryJen]

:grouphug: Jean. Yup, the dreaded call. We got those for my dad. Attacked an worker, stole things, refused to cooperate, etc.

But, they are not going home. They can call you and call your dh. But they are not safe in their home. They have to stay there.

 

They will be fine. 

 

You will be too. Take care of yourself and your family.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[Just Kate]

I'm sorry!!! ((Hugs))

[JustEm]

Hugs Jean! That's so difficult. Are they allowed to make the decision to leave themselves?

[TechWife]

They are probably homesick. I hope they will settle in given some time. It's the best situation for everyone, hold your ground! 

[Tess in the Burbs]

I don't know if I read it here from someone or elsewhere, but seriously, I would let the staff know you are not to be contacted for 2-3 weeks.  And don't answer calls from them directly.  Let them settle into this new reality.  They don't need you talking them into it.  They need to adjust and perhaps without family on the side ready to rescue.  

 

((HUGS))

 

 

 

ETA:  I wasn't trying to be mean.  I was trying to say that perhaps she should let the staff of the facility handle some of the complaints from her inlaws.  What if Jean had gone on vacation and couldn't be in touch a week??  She deserves a vacation!!  Why can't they just call daily and speak to staff about how they are doing without speaking directly to them, as a way to ease them into the situation.  That way they can go visit in a few days...end of the week...or call...and ask how it's going.  She deserves a few days time to mentally be prepared to answer the question why they can't go home.  She needs time to rest physically and mentally for a few days.  THEN perhaps these dear people will have a few days to adjust.  Dementia and a few days time...they may not remember being elsewhere.  You never know!!!  I wasn't being mean.  I was just saying take a few days from answering the phone.  Tell the staff to tell the inlaws to come to them and not call Jean for a few days.  Sorry it got misinterpreted.  I know when my kid went to camp I wasn't allowed to call and he couldn't call me.  He begged to.  Denied.  Cried himself to sleep for 2 nights.  But the advice was he would adjust if he didn't have that lifeline.   And he was fine.  He was upset but he adjusted.  I think the hired staff can handle these people for a few days to let everyone rest and ready to say the right thing the next week.  And they could go by if they want.  I was only suggesting to perhaps take a few days break, have the staff handle this situation, and come in later in the week(or two) as a visitor in this new reality for them.  

[lllll]

:grouphug:

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I remember that phase with my grandparents. They did adjust after a few weeks. It was hard for everyone in the meantime though.

[happi duck]

(Hugs)

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[linders]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[jrn]

:grouphug:

[Reefgazer]

I sympathize with you, I do, because I've got stubborn parents who would pull this nonsense on me.  They need assistance but they've fought me every step of the way, so I just washed my hands of responsibility until they ask for my help sometime in the future.  This is a question that I don't know the answer to and thought you might since you've been there, done that:  If an elderly person hasn't given power of attorney to someone, can they just pack up and leave the nursing home of their own accord?  I would think they could.

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry, Jean. :grouphug:

[monstermama]

I'm so sorry.   :grouphug:  It helped me to think of what they say about kids at sleepaway summer camp - give them some time without contact, if you can stomach it, and they will adjust.  It takes time to settle in to a new normal.   :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not sure of the answer to the whether they can leave thing.  Dh and his sister both have power of attorney but FIL is still signing checks and signed the contract.

 

FIL was killing MIL.  He didn't know he was doing it but he was slowly starving her plus not giving her insulin etc. etc.  

[Catwoman]

Sometimes it's so hard to do the right thing. I feel so badly for you guys, because it's obvious you are doing what is best for them, but it's heartbreaking for you to think you are making them unhappy. :(

 

I hope they adjust and make friends soon.

[JustEm]

If they only have power of attorney and not guardianship over their parents then i dont think they can force them to stay. Your best bet now is to just ignore any requests or complaints about wanting to leave and hope they are too overwhelmed to try to do it for themselves. If they do end up leaving then you would have to go through court to get guardianship over them to make them stay.

 

I will be praying that all this is just fear of a new situation and homesickness and that they allow enough time to pass so they can get more comfortable there.

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry.  It sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing.  The right thing is sometimes very hard.   :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

 

 

[Tess in the Burbs]

My mom had to get guardianship.  It was ugly.  Easier to do now with their consent than later when they have no mental ability to do so.  And it's possible they won't know what your Dh and SIL are doing, but legally it's better for them to get it done.  

[Ethel Mertz]

We've been there too. (I'll spare you the details.) I am assuming they do not have a car at their disposal or the ability to drive one. If they do have a car, take away the keys (and, ideally, the car) asap. Figure out a party line with your DH and SIL. All of you keep repeating it to them. ("I'm so sorry you're upset. You are safest here. I'll be in to see you this weekend." Lather. Rinse. Repeat.) I am sure they are very disoriented. They will eventually adjust, but it's hard in the meantime.. Hugs to you.

[Annie G]

I'm so sorry. I pray they adjust. Maybe fil will come around and realize this is the best place for mil. 

[NorthwestMom]

We've been there too. (I'll spare you the details.) I am assuming they do not have a car at their disposal or the ability to drive one. If they do have a car, take away the keys (and, ideally, the car) asap. Figure out a party line with your DH and SIL. All of you keep repeating it to them. ("I'm so sorry you're upset. You are safest here. I'll be in to see you this weekend." Lather. Rinse. Repeat.) I am sure they are very disoriented. They will eventually adjust, but it's hard in the meantime.. Hugs to you.

 

I agree, and I have done this too.  Don't forget that if they have dementia, they won't remember calling or previous reassurances, so it can go on for awhile. And if it would be helpful to put it on a third party, lay it on the doctor. "I'm so sorry you're upset. The doctor says you need to be here. I'll be in to see you this weekend." Lather. Rinse. Repeat. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: 

[Harriet Vane]

I like the line,"The doctor says you need to be here."

 

I'm sorry it's so hard. They will have to adjust. :grouphug:

[Angie in VA]

Some of you know how hard the last couple of months have been with the ILs.  MIL - 3x in the ER in two weeks because of bloodsugar issues.  The doctor refusing to release her unless we had home health care.  The daily visits and problems I've had to deal with regarding home health care.  Discovering that both MIL and FIL have much higher needs than we ever suspected.  Sunday we moved their stuff to a retirement home.  Yesterday we moved them.  I just got a call from FIL "We want to go back to our house.  We don't want to live here any more."  I'm fairly sure that it is because they were both required to dress and go to breakfast.  

 

Sigh.  I cannot go back to ignoring my own health and house and even school for my kids.  Dh cannot go back to sometimes only getting 1 hour of sleep because he works 2 jobs and taking care of his parents has been like having a third job.  SIL, I'm fairly sure, can't go back to twice daily visits to cover the hours I couldn't be there.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug:

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't know how dh and SIL will decide to handle this.  I just told dh about it and told him that if they do go and get them that I will no longer help out.  It kills me to say that but I just can't do it.  

[Liz CA]

Of course they are a little shell shocked but since you all have exhausted other options, this is necessary. Depending on personality (since you know them best) perhaps visiting often, taking them for walks will ease the transition. Some people transition better if nobody from home is present and they have to make it work. Are you getting reports from the staff? They should be able to gauge how well they are adjusting. Years and years ago, I was an intern at a nursing home. It was my job to go around and introduce myself to newcomers and sit with them, listen to their stories (even those with dementia) and engage them. I remember sitting in a lady's room who told me for two hours about all the pets she used to have - now she was down to a bird she was able to keep in the facility.

 

Adjustments are never all easy and smooth. Expect more phone calls and think of some encouraging words. If neither of them can be reasoned with any longer, I would just empathize, knowing that tomorrow it could be better already.

[Liz CA]

I don't know how dh and SIL will decide to handle this.  I just told dh about it and told him that if they do go and get them that I will no longer help out.  It kills me to say that but I just can't do it.  

 

Jean, were your dh and sil not expecting this type of phone call? It is hard to receive it and to respond. Unfortunately, in your IL's case, there seems to have come a time when they could not decide what is best for themselves any longer. I read in another thread that your FIL was not making sure MIL is eating properly. There are probably numerous other, similar issues that led you all to this decision. You are not pushing them off a cliff but you are doing what is best for them - even if they don't agree. Sort of like young children who cannot decide for themselves...

[trulycrabby]

I am sorry. We went through this with my grandmother, and her phone calls seemed to increase in the early evening, which is apoarently prime time for agitation and aggression in people with dementia. Just hang in there, keep telling them that the doctors feel this is the best place for them. :grouphug:

[Ewe Mama]

:grouphug:

[prairiewindmomma]

Jean, it's hard and I'm sorry. Sending you virtual chocolate, flowers, and a trip to a spa......because, seriously, sometimes it is just as hard if not harder on you than it is on them. ****hugs****

[Guest]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Not there yet, but I'm not more than a few years behind you.

[ScoutTN]

((Hugs))

[OneStepAtATime]

Some of you know how hard the last couple of months have been with the ILs.  MIL - 3x in the ER in two weeks because of bloodsugar issues.  The doctor refusing to release her unless we had home health care.  The daily visits and problems I've had to deal with regarding home health care.  Discovering that both MIL and FIL have much higher needs than we ever suspected.  Sunday we moved their stuff to a retirement home.  Yesterday we moved them.  I just got a call from FIL "We want to go back to our house.  We don't want to live here any more."  I'm fairly sure that it is because they were both required to dress and go to breakfast.  

 

Sigh.  I cannot go back to ignoring my own health and house and even school for my kids.  Dh cannot go back to sometimes only getting 1 hour of sleep because he works 2 jobs and taking care of his parents has been like having a third job.  SIL, I'm fairly sure, can't go back to twice daily visits to cover the hours I couldn't be there.  

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[eternalsummer]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night).  They'll get used to it!  Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.  

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:   btdt. for me, it started when my mom was in rehab for a knee replacement.  she hated the food, they made her get dressed!  :svengo: then I started getting phone calls - from her - in the middle of the night because the nurse didn't give her her sleeping pill (she did.  one of the reasons she was somewhere else was how often she mixed up her rx.)

 

all I can say is - at least they have each other.  stick to your guns, reassure them as many times as needed you want them to be safe, taken care of, and well nourished, and emphasize that.

 

 

[chiguirre]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night).  They'll get used to it!  Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.  

 

I assume you haven't read all of Jean's backstory. Her ILs needs are too intense for her family to handle at their home even with home healthcare. They need to be in a retirement home for their wellbeing. Jean is caring for them by giving them what they need to be safe and cared for.

[Spryte]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night).  They'll get used to it!  Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.  

That is so not helpful it isn't even funny.  

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry, Jean. My mother would beg to go home for quite a while. When she was staying with me, sometimes she would cry and tell me that I was mean because I would not take her home. It was heart-rending. It may in fact go on for awhile with your in-laws. Your husband and sister-in-law will need to expect to hear these requests repeatedly and to stand firm, because this is likely to not be an isolated event.

 

It is really so hard, but you are doing what is best for them, even though they can't understand it. I'm guessing that everyone really does know that taking them back to their house would be a mistake. Your husband's uncertainty is a normal emotional reaction, but in these circumstances, we have to rely on our reason. I'm sure your husband and his sister will do the right thing, even though it is hard.

[sassenach]

That is so not helpful it isn't even funny.

Jean, you are faithful. You and your dh have FAITHFULLY cared for your ILs. Don't let any doubt creep in.

 

They will adjust. This is better. I believe they'll physically feel the difference soon and come to like where they are. They're together- that's a blessing.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Dh is talking to SIL.  FIL just cannot understand that he was not able to take care of MIL.  He absolutely hated having home health care in his house too but we had to have them there.  The doctor was absolutely right in insisting on it.  But we quickly realized that home health care was still not enough.  FIL himself also needs help (though not as much as MIL needs) but cannot understand that.  Dh knows all this.  SIL knows it too.  But how to communicate that to FIL? That's the problem.  

[LucyStoner]

Sounds like when people drop their kids off at daycare (except of course this is more like an occasional-visit orphanage than a daycare, as they don't get to come home to people who love them every night). They'll get used to it! Well yes, kids get used to orphanages and daycares too, but I doubt it is ever the best solution.

 

At the beginning of your life your parents cared for you; at the end of their lives you care for them.

Did you derive some form of pleasure from dropping this little judgey bomb onto a clearly worn out woman? Because wowza.

 

Have you ever provided direct round the clock care for any one with dementia? Sometimes professional care is not only necessary for the younger family members but safer and healthier for the elderly patients.

 

Should Jean provide direct care for her ILs to the detriment of her still growing children and her own health situation? Did you account for her needs or the needs of her husband and children? Did you not read the part about both needing more help than they could get from a home health situation?

 

If you have some foolproof perfect solution for these complex and heart wrenching situations, by all means enlighten us. Until then save your little judgement bombs for yourself.

[MysteryJen]

Just keep saying it. I am sure that he is glad they are together. The doctor line is good and he has dementia as well, right?

You will be saying this everyday.

 

If they want to be together, this is the only way.

[Guest]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[DawnM]

I am sorry Jean.  You should call Ruth or Elizabeth, I don't know where her parents ended up, but they were NOT happy for a long time.  They had to deal with similar issues and may have some insight to help.

[Liz CA]

Dh is talking to SIL.  FIL just cannot understand that he was not able to take care of MIL.  He absolutely hated having home health care in his house too but we had to have them there.  The doctor was absolutely right in insisting on it.  But we quickly realized that home health care was still not enough.  FIL himself also needs help (though not as much as MIL needs) but cannot understand that.  Dh knows all this.  SIL knows it too.  But how to communicate that to FIL? That's the problem.  

 

Honestly...you all may have to realize that you cannot communicate it to him if he does not even realize that his wife was suffering. This is the difficult part - when you know that they are in the best possible place but they think they been shipped off uncaringly. Staff at the facility may have suggestions how to deal with this since they encounter this all the time.