Can you really choose happiness?

[Garga]

I used to be insanely happy. Pollyanna-ish. I would sit around thinking about how much I loved being alive.

 

But then things changed in my life. I am in the middle of a very sad situation that will not change. No need for details. There isn't anything I can do to change it very much. I can try to make the best of it and all, but it's not changing. It's not this, but consider it to be a disease that can't be cured, but can only be lived with.

 

I have situational depression, but my situation cannot change. It's been three years and the sadness won't go away. I don't want to be medicated because it's not a matter of being sad over nothing. I have very good reason for sadness.

 

I hear over and over that you can choose to be happy. When I was happy, I thought I had chosen to be that way. Apparently I hadn't. I would love to have this burden lifted, but I can't seem to shake it.

 

How can I choose to be happy? I am 99% sure this isn't chemical and needing medication. There is an ongoing situation (not health) that makes me terribly sad. I am powerless to change it.

 

So...what do I do? It's been 3 years of lots of crying.

[gardenmom5]

baring depression (situational stress can trigger physiologic depression), we can choose to be content with our lives and to find happiness in what surrounds us.   I do believe we can learn to be happy despite circumstances.  but if you're struggling everyday just to eke out survival - it's very mentally distracting.  I've been there, but learned to find the positive in the midst of chaos.  (I'm going to find that silver lining if I have to wring this cloud out myself!)

 

I also know people who have enough to be comfortable and not worry over money, can travel, are healthy, etc., who aren't happy because nothing is ever "enough".

 

so, baring extreme situations outside of our control - it is ultimately a choice.

 

re: stress can have the same effect upon the brain as depression. crying for three years is not normal.   you should see your dr.  I was under severe stress.  "I'm not depressed".  BUT - I was under severe stress (which has the same effect upon the brain as depression) and I should have been medically treated much earlier than I eventually was.  I wish someone had dragged me to a dr.  (I didn't trust mine and did not have the wherewithal to find a new one.  eventually my bishop from church referred me to his dr. and I immediately started doing better.)

 

 

[ThisIsTheDay]

I don't recall your situation (if you have shared it here), but :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: . I think people deal with things differently, and that way of dealing is based on a lot of things.  One choosing happiness is not better (and not necessarily healthier) that one's sadness.  I have a deep faith that is far stronger than anything this world can throw at me.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[bolt.]

Speaking from my own perspective, I have one of those long-term nothing-to-be-done things that gets me down too...

 

Only idiots are "happy" in the face of tragedy.

 

However, you can compartmentaluze your sorrow somewhat, and allow situational happiness to take over for a few moments at a time. Something like 'living in the moment' -- just laughing at a stupid Internet video, even though the sadness isn't gone.

 

There can also be a sense of getting used to the incurable difficulty, the way we are used to gravity and air pressure. They are very limiting, but because they are normal, you don't notice them all the time. You can find a way to feel sad-but-neutral, and feel things like, "We'll, other than the obvious terrible thing, I guess this morning actually was happier than most."

 

Yours sounds much harder than mine. I'm just wanting to say that Pollyanna is an idiot... But there are a few choices still within our abilities that might help a little.

[Dory]

I get what your saying. I struggle with 'choosing happiness' too. There are a few things I've found that help a little. At the end of the day me and the kids list at least 10 things that we are thankful for in that day, whether it's the sunshine, or the rain watering the garden, or that we have time to cuddle together on the couch, or something like that. It doesn't make the sad go away completely, but it helps balance it so that I can at least feel ok with life. It's also teaching my kids to find the good things in their day.

 

I have long since given up on my life being normal or on things being in a happy place, but over time I have slowly learned to deal with the hard stuff and pull out the good stuff in life from around that. The bad doesn't completely squash all the good.

 

I will never be Pollyana. I will never have that type of happy, but I don't want it. I find that type of happy always feels superficial and shallow. I am simply working towards being content and ok. I want depth and sometimes depth comes because of struggles. I get frustrated with people who have no idea what my life has felt like, or who have spent their entire lives in a relatively protected bubble, tell me that I'm not happy enough. I'm doing my best, and I can always find things that I am genuinely happy and grateful about. For now, that has to be good enough.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I myself am not happy, content but not happy.

 

 My DH told me the other day about something completely different that I perceive things incorrectly- he is possibly right- it leads to me getting more and more stressed - and less and less happy

[Carrie12345]

I believe you (general you) can.  That doesn't mean faking happiness 24/7.  It doesn't mean never being sad.  But, just as sadness can avalanche, so can happiness.

 

I'm going through an extremely difficult time right now after several years of what probably was clinical depression.  Last year, I decided to start making changes.  I can't say I simply became happy, but I definitely became happier.  And I know I'm handling my current situation 1,000 times better because of it.

 

I didn't think I could do it.  I believed I was very stuck due to a million different circumstances.  But I found ways for the tiniest of happinesses, and then each new, bigger one seemed so much easier to reach.

 

Even though I haven't done it (yet,) I absolutely believe medications have their place, even in scenarios that seem to be "legitimate" sadness.  Depression in all forms takes a serious physical toll eventually.

[MicheleinMN]

Just because you have a legimate reason for being depressed, doesn't mean that you aren't or that you wouldn't benefit from taking depression medication.  Situational depression is still a form of depression and, as such, can benefit from treatment.  Please talk to your doctor.

[Indian summer]

OP, I could have written your post. I too was very Pollyanna-ish, then life happened, things outside of my control and a profound sadness came with it. I too do not want to be medicated for feelings that are appropriate to my situation. One difference is that I'm further down the road than you are - it's been several years longer than three for me. For a long time, I thought happiness would be impossible as long as the situation persisted - there are some things you just can never be happy about, but I've learned to bracket my happiness, as in I'm happy with most of my situation, most of the time, there's just that one thing that I cannot be happy about, nor do anything about. Not sure if that makes any sense. So I do choose to be happy most of the time and to live life to its fullest, despite some things being so very less than ideal (a complete understatement!) When I need to cry and be in that place, I let it happen. I occasionally wallow in the why me attitude, but I cannot stay there or I'm sure I would die.

 

I don't know where you're at spiritually, what your beliefs are, but I have found, for me, the serenity prayer helpful to meditate on, even though my issue does not involve addiction, it still applies. It reminds me that I can take care of myself. I can be the best person I can be given the situation and that everything isn't my responsibility, even if I once thought certain aspects of this were. That was a huge paradigm shift that took a very long time.

 

I hope you find something in my words to hang onto. Believe me when I say it wasn't that long ago that I would have called BS on the above, but that shift needed to happen for survival. And it has brought a certain amount of peace that helps me through the day. Still hoping the much needed change comes, but in the meantime, I have to keep myself well and control the things I actually can.

 

Huge ((((hugs))))

[Chris in VA]

I can't. Happiness as a feeling, you mean? I can't force feelings.

 

But I can recognize and acknowledge and choose. I can recognize my emotional state, acknowledge that it is a normal reaction to sucky things, and choose to not let it rule my life.

 

There IS a great theraputic (but not a therapy, per se) technique called Traumatic Incident Reduction. A df of mine does it (and she's a therapist, too, but this can be done by a trained "layman"). It can help you process feelings about the past, and even about ongoing concerns that started with something hard.

 

And there are other therapy techniques that can help one cope when the situation is not going to change. I urge you to find out more for yourself.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[MiMi 4under3]

A person cannot control/change reality... only our reaction to reality can be managed.

 

A book that truly helped me is "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie.  I hope you find peace.

[ocelotmom]

I think that we can choose how to respond to different situations, but that some situations are inherently more difficult to respond positively to than others.

[Mrs Mungo]

Most people have some pretty struggles in life. We all lose loved ones. Many people struggle with disabilities, diseases that make their life difficult, financial problems, business problems, stress, anxiety and more. Even people who seem to have it all together or seem happy with their lot in life may struggle with some very serious issues.

 

But, I think we can choose to find happiness or contentment or whatever in the things that are going well. There are always pleasing aspects of the world that we can choose to take small daily pleasure in. There are always some things to be grateful for and happy about, even when we have very good reasons to be sad about other things.

 

I do agree that therapy can help, learning to compartmentalize and/or meditate on the positive can help, even meds can help even though you have reason to be sad.

 

eta: I know for *me*? I couldn't possibly carry the burdens of my fears, worries, stresses and sadness all on my own. It's too heavy of a weight. My faith in God allows me to put down those burdens when I can. It doesn't mean that I'm always happy or that I never cry, but it helps a great deal.

[6wildhorses]

I have a son who was born with a disability. It was very hard at first because I had a certain paradigm of what my life would look like and that was permanently altered. It took a long time to mentally rebuild a new paradigm. I had to go through the grief cycle. I had to reach acceptance and embrace my reality. Only then could I find peace. It's also a continual process because as he grows I have to keep adjusting and be adaptive to what his needs are. I have grown as a person so much, and I love him so much. But it isn't always an easy process to go through, to always embrace how life unfolds. I actually try not to think about my struggles too much, and not just as it pertains to my son, but for life in general. I focus on doing what needs to be done, and I try to live in and appreciate the moment. I don't really focus on being happy. I focus on being at peace with my life. To me that's something deeper than happiness. Being happy/unhappy is too much of an emotional roller coaster for me.

 

For other circumstances I can't change, I have a mantra: Where there is no love, put love, and you will find love. I heard it first from Wayne Dyer. When I face something hard I try to stay in the moment, set all my best intentions and love into the situation, and try not to be reactive.

 

I don't know your situation, but I have found that no matter the struggle, the process for finding peace is the same. I had to accept my pain and embrace it in order to move on and find peace. You might find EFT helpful (Emotional Freedom Technique). It helped me to reach acceptance. You can find instructions if you search online. (((HUGS)))

[MedicMom]

I don't have the answers but I can tell you I understand. I used to think I had it all--great husband, wonderful kids, a job and coworkers I loved. Then a year ago(today) I completely unexpectedly lost the job I loved, through no fault at all, and I am now stuck in a job I hate beyond all reason. My marriage had greatly suffered and we have both done things I could not have imagined two years ago. My husband has also suffered an injury that has now changed the trajectory of our lives. My son has just been dx with HFA.

 

I remember that person who used to sit around thinking about how happy and lovely life was. I don't know that I will ever have that back. I am sad and I have been sad a long time and I don't know how to fix that.

 

This is not to hijack the thread; just to tell you that you are not alone. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I had the answers.

[Anne in CA]

There are some on going things in my life that make me sad/ upset if I dwell on them. I like to remember the book, The Power of Now and keep my mind focused on this very second. I actually moved to put some of the things that were not right behind me. I just could not watch a certain situation unfold the way I knew it would. It was maddening when the poor grocery store clerk would be chipper and I just wanted to be left alone. Then I would think of all my years in the hospitality industry when I was probably that sweet, chipper young thing who did not understand the problems facing the person they were serving.

 

I do not think there is any shame in getting chemical help for a situation that is not likely to get better. You have kids to be responsible for and you deserve to be filled up. You should not be an endless well that other people draw from that does not get refilled at any time. If you need medication to refill the well, you should have it. I go to energetic Pentecostal church to get refilled and it helps a lot. Basically I think (for what that is worth, lol) that you seem like a great, intelligent, thoughtful person who deserves refilling, however the best method is. 

[texasmama]

(((hugs)))  Situational depression is still depression.

[Garga]

Thank you all. It is helpful to read about others' struggles and how you deal with things you cannot change. I am going to re-read everything carefully and dwell on each post for a while. I want to start getting a handle on how to apply what you've all said to my situation.

[elegantlion]

I write down a lot of things, which helps me set aside decisions I don't need to make today or things I cannot change. I'm starting on mindfulness/meditation to try to find some semblance of mental stability. I literally just started, so no results yet. 

[Kari C in SC]

I have not read all the other responses. This is my opinion and take it with a grain of salt. My sister in law that was my best friend was murdered 10 years ago. I hurt with everything I had in me. It was an awful, awful tragedy and I hated the world I had a good reason to be sad. I was sad for a good many years, but I also made a choice to look for what I call crazy everyday blessings. I even started a blog to focus on these things. I was not blissfully happy by any means, but I found joy where I could. I had to make a conscious choice to see those joys. Or I could have stayed in my quiet place crying. Ovdf the next 7 years, there was a lot of stress... Job layoff, interstate move, son going to war, blah blah blah. Crappy life stuff. I still made an effort to find my joy. Then about 4 years ago, my oldest son was killed in a car accident. I thought my heart ached when my sister in law died. My world stopped when my son died. I still cry and hurt and miss him and hate, hate, hate that this is the path we are on. But and this is a huge but, I choose to find my joy. I had to choose to find it or I would have laid down and died. I couldn't do that to my other kids, so I look for it. Sometimes it is big joy and sometimes it is little, but it is always there.

 

Now, that is my story. My husband and daughter are different. They both are diagnosed with depression. My wonderful 15 year old daughter has adopted ways to find her joy as well, but at the end of the day... She needs medication to set the chemicals in her brain. We talk about depression and joy and thankfulness and medications a lot around my house. I will do absolutely anything to make sure her quality of life is the best it can be. And for her and my husband that includes medication. I would see a professional and talk with them. That is what we did with our daughter. We sought out counseling and after a decent amount of time decided to try medication. My daughter explains it in that she was trying to find her joy, but no amount of anything she tried really made her feel better until she started medication. Now, she can feel happy and make choices about her joy.

[shanvan]

I have not read all the other responses. This is my opinion and take it with a grain of salt. My sister in law that was my best friend was murdered 10 years ago. I hurt with everything I had in me. It was an awful, awful tragedy and I hated the world I had a good reason to be sad. I was sad for a good many years, but I also made a choice to look for what I call crazy everyday blessings. I even started a blog to focus on these things. I was not blissfully happy by any means, but I found joy where I could. I had to make a conscious choice to see those joys. Or I could have stayed in my quiet place crying. Ovdf the next 7 years, there was a lot of stress... Job layoff, interstate move, son going to war, blah blah blah. Crappy life stuff. I still made an effort to find my joy. Then about 4 years ago, my oldest son was killed in a car accident. I thought my heart ached when my sister in law died. My world stopped when my son died. I still cry and hurt and miss him and hate, hate, hate that this is the path we are on. But and this is a huge but, I choose to find my joy. I had to choose to find it or I would have laid down and died. I couldn't do that to my other kids, so I look for it. Sometimes it is big joy and sometimes it is little, but it is always there.

 

Now, that is my story. My husband and daughter are different. They both are diagnosed with depression. My wonderful 15 year old daughter has adopted ways to find her joy as well, but at the end of the day... She needs medication to set the chemicals in her brain. We talk about depression and joy and thankfulness and medications a lot around my house. I will do absolutely anything to make sure her quality of life is the best it can be. And for her and my husband that includes medication. I would see a professional and talk with them. That is what we did with our daughter. We sought out counseling and after a decent amount of time decided to try medication. My daughter explains it in that she was trying to find her joy, but no amount of anything she tried really made her feel better until she started medication. Now, she can feel happy and make choices about her joy.

Thank you for posting this.  It's a good kick in the pants for me.  You have had a lot to deal with.  Your post has put several things in perspective for me.  And, I agree with you, some people really do benefit from medication.

[BlsdMama]

Content I'd different than happy, happy, happy. Feeling grateful for life, and what blessings we have is very different than happiness as society defines it. Something to think on. I honestly think "happiness" is a false goal. Being grateful, purposeful, and intentional, I suspect are the better things?

[Alicia64]

Brad Pitt -- who isn't even my favorite at all -- once said something about not believing in happiness so much as believing in happy moments. That always stuck w/ me. (Poor Jennifer Aniston: he came up with this gem when he was married to her.)

 

I hear what you're saying about no meds/isn't chemical, but in 2014 you really don't need to spend these precious years w/ your kids suffering. There's sadness at a 9 level and sadness at a more manageable 3 or 4 level.

 

I have an ongoing thing that can never be fixed -- I'm estranged from my parents and sister -- and it's painful but not at a 9. It hits me especially hard during the holidays or on their birthdays etc. But if I were at a 9 on most days I'd be getting meds. Life is too short.

 

Hugs,

 

Alley

[Free]

:grouphug: Garga.

 

I have spent a long time feeling sad, powerless and depressed about certain things in my life so I get it.

 

But what finally did help me was Acceptance. I found acceptance, when I learned to remove negative labels from people and situations. A negative label implies that we judge a person or a situation through the lens of perfection or at least the ideal. And when things fall short from our expectations, we spend a lot of energy wishing it were not so. Acceptance, for me, was allowing things to be different than what I expected without assigning a value judgement to it.

 

It was tough. Acceptance is not the same thing as Approval, though for a long time I fought the idea of acceptance because I could not separate out the two in my mind. I felt that if I made peace with things the way they were, I would never want to change them.

 

I turned out to be wrong. Just the act of allowing things to be different from what I wanted them to be, freed up a lot of energy and anxiety. I felt much more free to choose how I wanted to deal with things, to make changes if needed. And even if there were things I was powerless to change, I still found myself more capable of dealing with the situation.

 

I don't mean my post to come across as flippant and since I do not know your specific situation or the hurt you are going through, it may not apply to you at all. I hope you can work through your sadness and find peace.

[Kari C in SC]

:grouphug: Garga.

 

I have spent a long time feeling sad, powerless and depressed about certain things in my life so I get it.

 

But what finally did help me was Acceptance. I found acceptance, when I learned to remove negative labels from people and situations. A negative label implies that we judge a person or a situation through the lens of perfection or at least the ideal. And when things fall short from our expectations, we spend a lot of energy wishing it were not so. Acceptance, for me, was allowing things to be different than what I expected without assigning a value judgement to it.

 

It was tough. Acceptance is not the same thing as Approval, though for a long time I fought the idea of acceptance because I could not separate out the two in my mind. I felt that if I made peace with things the way they were, I would never want to change them.

 

I turned out to be wrong. Just the act of allowing things to be different from what I wanted them to be, freed up a lot of energy and anxiety. I felt much more free to choose how I wanted to deal with things, to make changes if needed. And even if there were things I was powerless to change, I still found myself more capable of dealing with the situation.

 

I don't mean my post to come across as flippant and since I do not know your specific situation or the hurt you are going through, it may not apply to you at all. I hope you can work through your sadness and find peace.

This is perfect! I still go back and forth between accepting my son has died. My mind obviously knows this, but my heart does not want to accept it. The more I actively work on accepting the things I cannot change (love that serinity prayer), the more peace comes into my life. I do know that is gonna be a long, long journey for me, but I feel as though it will be the single most important thing I will ever do for my other children.

[eternalsummer]

You could medicate yourself to medicated happiness, or numbness at least, through any variety of drugs (pharmaceuticals, alcohol, whatever.)  

 

I don't think you can force yourself to be happy in a situation that is desperately sad/depressing/difficult.  Have you ever read Joseph the Provider by Thomas Mann?  There's a good bit there when he (Joseph) has been thrown down the well, and his life sucks, and he's miserable.  He wants to hope but he can't feel it, and Mann says basically that you can't borrow happiness or hope or satisfaction from a future time; sometimes you have to live in the moment, and sometimes the moment is not a good one.

 

I think that there are things one can do to make one's life happier, even in bad situations, but it might just mitigate, not solve the problem.  If there is no solution to the problem there is no solution.

 

I know you said the incurable disease reference was an analogy only, but have you thought of finding some forums or support groups for people facing that kind of thing, and seeing what they do to cope?

 

 

[SKL]

I can relate to having been happy and thinking it was a choice, and then losing it and not being able to find it again.  It does run in my family, and I think it is chemical, but I really want to be able to "choose" to surmount it.  And I can sit here and blame it on "choices" I have made (but were they really choices...).  So right now I am in an "I'm not sure" zone.

[Liz CA]

I used to be insanely happy. Pollyanna-ish. I would sit around thinking about how much I loved being alive.

 

But then things changed in my life. I am in the middle of a very sad situation that will not change. No need for details. There isn't anything I can do to change it very much. I can try to make the best of it and all, but it's not changing. It's not this, but consider it to be a disease that can't be cured, but can only be lived with.

 

I have situational depression, but my situation cannot change. It's been three years and the sadness won't go away. I don't want to be medicated because it's not a matter of being sad over nothing. I have very good reason for sadness.

 

I hear over and over that you can choose to be happy. When I was happy, I thought I had chosen to be that way. Apparently I hadn't. I would love to have this burden lifted, but I can't seem to shake it.

 

How can I choose to be happy? I am 99% sure this isn't chemical and needing medication. There is an ongoing situation (not health) that makes me terribly sad. I am powerless to change it.

 

So...what do I do? It's been 3 years of lots of crying.

 

Hard to say much without knowing the background but here are a few thoughts:

Sometimes it just hurts when have to let go of a dream. This could be a long - held goal, something we never questioned we would have or do, etc.

Readjustment to our new reality and forging new dreams is the process that is hardest. I suppose, I am not so much in search of happiness as I am in search of coping strategies, acceptance, reframing life (if necessary), finding joy and blissful moments in the presence.

 

[abba12]

I haven't read the previous replies, so sorry if I say something already said/off topic, but I feel very strongly about this.

 

You can't choose happiness, happiness is a fleeting emotion caused by hormones. What you CAN choose is joyfulness and contentment. I had a hellish adolescence, more than most. I rarely experienced being happy, and in fact the chemical reaction and emotion of 'happiness' was a PTSD trigger for me for a number of years! But I learnt how to choose to be joyful and content, looking at the bright side, making the best of what I had, accepting my situation instead of fighting it and then making the best I could within the boundaries I had. At times people said they looked up to me and couldn't understand how I could stay so positive. It's hard for me to give any true examples without giving details, my situation was unusual, but I could come out at the end of a terrible night and, after a cry and a calm down, I could choose not to dwell on yet another session of abuse and bad things, and instead focus on someone I met and chatted to, or a nice thing I saw, or some other brighter part. 

 

That doesn't mean I played down the bad stuff, or pretended it didn't happen. Quite the opposite. I accepted the situation for what it was, and if I couldn't change it I accepted that too. I just chose not to dwell on what I couldn't change, and instead focus on what would get me through one more night or one more day in my life. Sometimes the 'positives' were as small as a smile from a passerby, or a pretty sunset with that lovely breeze when it's just the right level of coolness, and everything feels right for a few moments. Certainly the negatives usually outweighed the positives, over and over. The negatives were extreme while the positives were, from many perspectives, mundane and subtle. But my situation forced me to learn to grab onto absolutely anything I could to keep going and not let my situation 'break' me, so to speak. That was the difference that causes me to be here now, functioning and living life fully, while unfortunately many of the people I knew back then... well, they aren't. 

 

For me it came down to making a conscious choice to redirect my thinking. I would literally talk to myself, and say 'no, we aren't thinking about that tonight, we can deal with that tomorow, nothing will change, it serves no useful purpose to think about this while upset, what can I focus on now?'. My husband tends to be very negative when things aren't going perfectly and I am trying to teach him to do this on a lesser scale. 'Stop, accept those thoughts and feelings as being there, and as being valid and real, but they don't need your active attention right now. Don't fight them, just let them be, let them exist in the back of your mind and choose something else for yourself. What can we focus on that is going right? What good has happened? What can we build on here? Can you do anything which makes you feel good right now?' At the moment I am this voice for him, but he is learning to be that voice for himself, and not to panic and end up in a horrid downward spiral when things go wrong. Not quite the same as your long-term issue either, but hopefully it gives some idea.

[Chris in VA]

I like the points being made re joy vs happiness.

 

I used to think joy was an emotion only, a synonym of happiness. I agree with PPs who say happiness alone is not a worthy goal. I want something richer, less fleeting, more sustaining.

 

I am beginning to see joy as more than happiness--a description of a way of living, deeper than feeling, not depending on external circumstances...

It's almost an action, really, like love is an action and not just a feeling.

 

I think joy is the substance, and happiness perhaps is a byproduct of sorts.

 

Not sure where I'm going with it, just sitting with thoughts.

I ponder stuff like that all the time, trying to fit pieces together into a theology that feels whole and good and right to me.

[Negin]

I am in the middle of a very sad situation that will not change. 

 

I have situational depression, but my situation cannot change. It's been three years and the sadness won't go away. I don't want to be medicated because it's not a matter of being sad over nothing. I have very good reason for sadness.

 

How can I choose to be happy? I am 99% sure this isn't chemical and needing medication. There is an ongoing situation (not health) that makes me terribly sad. I am powerless to change it.

 

So...what do I do? It's been 3 years of lots of crying.

:grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug: 

 

Not to hijack, but I could have written your exact same post - even your views on not wishing to be medicated and even the length of time (3 years). I'm so very sorry that you're going through this  :grouphug:. 

 

 

There can also be a sense of getting used to the incurable difficulty, the way we are used to gravity and air pressure. They are very limiting, but because they are normal, you don't notice them all the time. You can find a way to feel sad-but-neutral, and feel things like, "We'll, other than the obvious terrible thing, I guess this morning actually was happier than most."

 

Yours sounds much harder than mine. I'm just wanting to say that Pollyanna is an idiot... But there are a few choices still within our abilities that might help a little.

Thank you for this helpful tip. 

 

 

I can't. Happiness as a feeling, you mean? I can't force feelings.

 

But I can recognize and acknowledge and choose. I can recognize my emotional state, acknowledge that it is a normal reaction to sucky things, and choose to not let it rule my life.

 

There IS a great theraputic (but not a therapy, per se) technique called Traumatic Incident Reduction. 

Me neither. I might be able to force feelings, but only for so long, and the more time that passes, the less I seem able to do that. 

Going to look into TIR. 

 

 

I don't have the answers but I can tell you I understand. I used to think I had it all--great husband, wonderful kids, a job and coworkers I loved. Then a year ago(today) I completely unexpectedly lost the job I loved, through no fault at all, and I am now stuck in a job I hate beyond all reason. My marriage had greatly suffered and we have both done things I could not have imagined two years ago. My husband has also suffered an injury that has now changed the trajectory of our lives. My son has just been dx with HFA.

:grouphug:   :grouphug:   :grouphug: 

 

No. I donot think happiness is a worthy goal to begin with, and if it is, I don't think you can just make it happen by just wanting or choosing it.

Yes, so true. 

[Katy]

I didn't read all the other responses, but I have struggled with this from time to time too, in my case due to chronic illness.  At one point a couple people in an online support group I was in committed suicide for the same illness and I got in a very dark place.

 

I've found a couple things that help, most of which came to me from an occupational therapist:

1. As much as possible, watch or listen to something funny every day.  Sitcoms, movies, standup, whatever.  Laughing makes you deal with hard situations better, and relieves pain and depression.
2. As much as possible, do something that makes you happy every day.  Sit by a lake, or paint something, or do something otherwise creative, or anything that is satisfying in even a small way.  It could be something small like a book of crossword puzzles, or anything.  Express your pain in dark works of art or make something beautiful to distract yourself.
3. As often as possible, get up, get dressed, and put on some makeup every day.  A cotton knit dress is as comfortable as sweats but you look much more put together and you'll feel more respectable.
4. As much as possible, keep your house clean.  The Fly Lady is a good resource for that. She was at one point hospitalized for depression & her system of keeping your house clean is a good recipe for learning to love yourself and your life.
5. As often as possible, think about what you are grateful for. Keep a gratitude journal.
6. If possible, find a way to help someone who is in a worse position than you, or has lost more than you.  A church we used to live near used to help out African refugees (who'd come out of genocide situations).  It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you meet people who have literally lost everything but are happier than anyone else you've ever met.
7. Praise and worship music and prayer also help to get your focus off yourself.

[Isabella]

EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) would probably be a good fit for you.  If you can find a good counsellor that does EFT, you'll find that you will be much stronger in yourself to cope with your daily burdens, and not be so weighed down by them.  Basically the situation won't change, but your emotional investment in it will change.  It won't necessarily mean you'll be back to Pollyanna-happiness, but you'll certainly have less emotional weight, and be freer to see, feel, and enjoy the good things in life (and there is usually always some of these good things around if we look for them).

 

:grouphug:  Please look into it if it's possible for you.  I don't think you'll regret it. :grouphug:

[Upward Journey]

 

I didn't read all the other responses, but I have struggled with this from time to time too, in my case due to chronic illness.  At one point a couple people in an online support group I was in committed suicide for the same illness and I got in a very dark place.

 

I've found a couple things that help, most of which came to me from an occupational therapist:

1. As much as possible, watch or listen to something funny every day.  Sitcoms, movies, standup, whatever.  Laughing makes you deal with hard situations better, and relieves pain and depression.
2. As much as possible, do something that makes you happy every day.  Sit by a lake, or paint something, or do something otherwise creative, or anything that is satisfying in even a small way.  It could be something small like a book of crossword puzzles, or anything.  Express your pain in dark works of art or make something beautiful to distract yourself.
3. As often as possible, get up, get dressed, and put on some makeup every day.  A cotton knit dress is as comfortable as sweats but you look much more put together and you'll feel more respectable.
4. As much as possible, keep your house clean.  The Fly Lady is a good resource for that. She was at one point hospitalized for depression & her system of keeping your house clean is a good recipe for learning to love yourself and your life.
5. As often as possible, think about what you are grateful for. Keep a gratitude journal.
6. If possible, find a way to help someone who is in a worse position than you, or has lost more than you.  A church we used to live near used to help out African refugees (who'd come out of genocide situations).  It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you meet people who have literally lost everything but are happier than anyone else you've ever met.
7. Praise and worship music and prayer also help to get your focus off yourself.

 

 

 

Thank you for taking the time to write this out.

 

[wintermom]

Getting regular doses of adrenalin through exercise and getting outside really perks me up. I love the feeling of riding my bike or going for a walk in nature. It's been so hard this long, cold winter, but things are looking a lot better now. I can build up a bit of a "happiness reserve" to keep me floating through the daily grind.

[Audrey]

I think that you can choose happiness.  For me, it started by choosing to accept one little thing that was good in my life.  The first thing I choose to be happy about was my cat.  Truly, if it were not for her and that I didn't think anyone else could love her or care for her the way I did, I would be dead.  Willfully so.  But, there was more that made me have to choose happiness than that.  That is just the first bit of it and the rest is not for public consumption. 

 

My point is that there are terrible things that make us unable to see where the happy things are in our lives.  You also have to define happiness for yourself.  Another person's measure is not necessarily yours.  Start small.  Most of the happiest things in life are the small things anyway.  They're also the things we overlook the most.  You have to choose to find them. 

[LostSurprise]

I've felt similarly over the last 5 years. It's been good to read through this. 

 

For me: 

 

*I try to worry about only what I can change. I allow myself time to feel dark thoughts and analyze painful situations to see if I can better them, but after it crests, after I feel the bulk of the emotion, after I start to feel frustrated with my thoughts I put them away. I do something else. This something else is usually something physical that doesn't take a lot of thought, but takes enough thought to keep me occupied. If you have an overwhelming personal situation, sometimes you have to compartmentalize.

 

*I feel I've accepted my situation for a long time, but that doesn't always help. Sometimes you have to live with something. Sometimes you have to become accustomed to it before you feel the shadow start to lift. This can take a long time. There are a lot of shades and stages to grief. We don't all experience it the same way. 

 

*Sometimes you have to experiment. Do small, new things. It's hard to know just what will help.

 

*When you have something good, savor it. Really, really savor it. If you just can't keep your mind on it, think about keeping a journal of good things. 

 

*Schedule things for yourself. Take care of your physical and emotional needs. Little treats. 

 

*Stay connected with others. Help others. Let others help you. 

 

 

That's all I got. I notice that sadness has cycles. I won't feel it every day. Many days I'll feel normal, not great, but normal...then comes the cycle. I can feel it creep in. Those days I cut myself some slack. I let ds get a subject or two less done. I allow cereal to be dinner. I let myself drink an extra few cups of coffee. I write bad poetry. I make myself sit out on the porch, even if I can't 'get away.' I paint a wall. 

 

Those days won't last forever. 

[Mrs Mungo]

I also think this is great advice from Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

 

http://www.avclub.com/article/15-things-kurt-vonnegut-said-better-than-anyone-el-1858

[Negin]

 

I didn't read all the other responses, but I have struggled with this from time to time too, in my case due to chronic illness.  At one point a couple people in an online support group I was in committed suicide for the same illness and I got in a very dark place.

 

I've found a couple things that help, most of which came to me from an occupational therapist:

1. As much as possible, watch or listen to something funny every day.  Sitcoms, movies, standup, whatever.  Laughing makes you deal with hard situations better, and relieves pain and depression.
2. As much as possible, do something that makes you happy every day.  Sit by a lake, or paint something, or do something otherwise creative, or anything that is satisfying in even a small way.  It could be something small like a book of crossword puzzles, or anything.  Express your pain in dark works of art or make something beautiful to distract yourself.
3. As often as possible, get up, get dressed, and put on some makeup every day.  A cotton knit dress is as comfortable as sweats but you look much more put together and you'll feel more respectable.
4. As much as possible, keep your house clean.  The Fly Lady is a good resource for that. She was at one point hospitalized for depression & her system of keeping your house clean is a good recipe for learning to love yourself and your life.
5. As often as possible, think about what you are grateful for. Keep a gratitude journal.
6. If possible, find a way to help someone who is in a worse position than you, or has lost more than you.  A church we used to live near used to help out African refugees (who'd come out of genocide situations).  It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you meet people who have literally lost everything but are happier than anyone else you've ever met.
7. Praise and worship music and prayer also help to get your focus off yourself.

 

Thank you for this list. I really do appreciate it. 

[nevergiveup]

I don't think you can choose happiness, especially if you are in a hole and people/situations just keep throwing more dirt on top of you.  Then, it's enough to keep surviving.

 

I also know that stress, diet, illness, all can change our bodies' chemistry.

 

Medication, meditation, supplements all can help restore your brain's function to more normal so that you can find ways to climb out of that hole that you didn't see before, and can then recognize moments of happiness.

[AnIslandGirl]

I try to live in the "here and now", focusing on today's pleasures and joy. Sure, I have future plans and obligations, but for the most part I focus on the enjoyment of each small moment. The way my coffee smells before I take a sip, the warmth of it in my throat, the way the smile spreads across my face as my daughter comes down the stairs to join us in the morning. Each single moment I try my best to consciously appreciate.

This short video pretty much sums up my approach to life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8--IhxcQqJA&feature=share

 

[TechWife]

You could medicate yourself to medicated happiness, or numbness at least, through any variety of drugs (pharmaceuticals, alcohol, whatever.)  

 

 

You have a misunderstanding about how these medications work. Anti-depressant medications do not have the effect of making someone happy. They simply re-balance the brain chemicals so that they are closer to functioning normally. For many people they are life-saving. 

[TechWife]

Please go see your doctor. You need treatment, which may include medication and psychotherapy. If you have been depressed for three years, your brain chemistry has been/is being altered by the depression. It is quite possible that it is learning the habit of being depressed, so to speak. Medication can help restore it to a more normal balance. Once that is achieved, you can start working on ways to make your life more bearable, such as exercise, diet, etc.. Right now things are very overwhelming for you - I totally understand that. But, until you get your brain chemistry back in order, it will remain difficult and possibly become even more difficult for you to cope with your situation. 

[KungFuPanda]

I had a rough couple of years. At the same time DS was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy, DH was unemployed, the house went into foreclosure, and a sociopathic friend chose that moment to not only reveal her sociopathy, but turn it on us. It was too much. It was situational. ANYONE would be depressed under that strain. I didn't get help because I knew it was situationa and because I was able to function and still do all my mom/wife/homeschooling jobs passably. It took a couple years to get on our feet and adjust to our new normal. I SHOULD have gotten help. Even the slightest lightening of that load would have improved my life. You change the things you can, and accept what you can't. Before you accept though, make sure it's something that truly cannot be changed. Get help. Don't protect the depression like it's a friend who deserves to be there.

[Scarlett]

Thank you all. It is helpful to read about others' struggles and how you deal with things you cannot change. I am going to re-read everything carefully and dwell on each post for a while. I want to start getting a handle on how to apply what you've all said to my situation.

(((Hugs)))

 

That feeling when you wake up and realize it is true and it isn't just a dream? Yeah, I have been there we all have I think. Even though I am happily married I still sometimes wake up feeling gutted because my son's FOO is broken.

 

And dh's suffers horribly because his oldest son has cut off all communication. He really struggles to not let it over run the rest of his life and his relationship with his younger son.

 

And I know there are much worse problems than the two examples above. But when there is no way to fix things it is a terrible terrible feeling.

 

As some one else mentioned compartmentalizing helps. Put the pain in a box that you hide away while you work hard to appreciate and enjoy the good parts of your life.

[J-rap]

I don't think you can choose happiness, but I think you can choose to see the blessings in the midst of horrible circumstances, and you can choose to not become bitter.  You can choose to keep hope and and try and be positive.  All of these things I have learned.  It doesn't mean that if you do all of those things you will magically "feel" happy.   But, you at least are making the best of your circumstances, you are being a positive influence on those around you, and perhaps someday, the feeling of happiness will start seeping in again.

 

Sorry for your circumstances.  :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Onceuponatime]

OP, I am currently reading The Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. You may find some small measure of help from its contents.

[elfgivas]

for me, it is the art of moments.

 

i look for moments of beauty, moments of joy, moments of humour..... 

 

i refuse to label myself as "in pain" or "sick" .... there are parts of me that are doing really well, most of the time....

 

maybe aim for moments of beauty....

ann

[hillfarm]

I am merely musing aloud here, so not any expert, tested or approved information. Just a few thoughts.

 

Short term, I definitely think there is a time and a place for medication. To help get you out of crisis, to enable you to heal, to allow you to stabilize until you are able to gain control, etc. There is no shame or weakness in deciding that you need meds and seeking them from a reputable physician. You would not deny anyone meds to deal with a broken leg. Broken emotions can be just as debilitating. Get the help you need.

 

Longer term, some may choose to continue the meds and I have no problem with that. If that is what it takes to get them through the day and they are under good supervision by a medical professional, so be it. To me, the proof is in the pudding. If a person can take meds long term and live a functional life, or go it without the meds and be unable to function, I would choose the meds. Especially if, as many have mentioned, other children are dependent upon the person.

 

I don't think you can make yourself be happy, because IMO, happiness is a byproduct. It comes from a base of security, stability, peace, contentment, etc. However, I do think you can pursue those cornerstones. And based on my personal experience, as they become more solid, my happiness begins to manifest more strongly also.

 

I have also read a good bit about the concept that when we can't change circumstances, we can work to change our perception of them. I can only imagine how difficult this might be in the case of extreme tragedy, but I have seen some people who seem somehow able to absorb the tragedy, grieve, and go on with life and others who appear to be completely paralyzed by what appears to be a much less extreme/profound situation. For example, I have seen a relative deal with the death of her mother, dh, and only son, see her 3 dd's turn to drugs after the tragedy, and now has to cope with raising their drug-affected babies. And yet she keeps living life, she laughs, plays with the babies, helps others, and continues to function. At the same time, we have a family friend who lost a lot of the money he had invested when the US economy crashed several years ago. He now sits around in the dark in his house and is suffering from extreme depression. It appears to me that it is less about the actual circumstances and more about how the person perceives them. How is one person able to continue on while another is devastated?

 

There is no easy formula, and I don't mean to imply that I think one tragedy is any more "deserving" of depression than any other. But it does seem that spending some time meditating on how we perceive our tragedies can have a serious impact on how they effect us. Perhaps it is possible to seek the right mindset to transform a tragedy from something that mires us in sadness into something that spurs us to positive action. I suspect that the sadness will always remain, but that we might be able to compartmentalize it and to use it to drive us into healthy patterns of living rather than letting it smother us under a blanket of grief.

 

Pollyanna wasn't an idiot, but she was very young and hadn't experienced much of the trouble in this world. Perhaps she would serve best as a model for a mind state that we could focus on providing for our young children as they grow - the belief in goodness, security, and happiness. Then, if they have the concept in their minds that happiness is possible and desirable, they might be able to seek it as they are introduced to the vicissitudes of life. I suspect very few adults have been able to hold on to her way of thinking. Which is perfectly okay in my book - life is hard and it is okay to lament its sorrows. But I'm a "the glass is always a little more than half full" kind of person, so I find solace in the fact that tomorrow is another day, clean and unblemished, and I have hope that I can write a better story there than I have written for today.

[porque]

Garga- I hope you are able to find the peace you seek with your situation.

 

Also, thank you so much for starting this thread. It helped me so much today.