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shanvan

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shanvan last won the day on May 6 2014

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About shanvan

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  1. I never thought I would be in a place where I could say I understand that reasoning, but now I do. The past 5 years of my marriage have been horrible as I have suffered the consequences emotionally, legally, and financially of my husband's gradual decline from early onset alzheimer's. Some of what has happened he truly cannot be blamed for, some is debatable. I am facing years of care-taking and all the legal and financial responsibilities, and we will end up very poor. As a caretaker, I will be very lucky to survive it without serious health consequences myself. I am being asked daily to pull forth all the forgiveness and loving that person can possibly provide unconditionally in some very difficult (sometimes downright hostile) circumstances and with no appreciation or recognition from my husband. Yes, I would think twice about a second marriage. A person only has so much of that to give. ETA: I would imagine that is how some of the previously mentioned people also feel.
  2. Yes. This describes my Dd. She is really taking on a lot with this job and doing it all very, very well. She has to communicate with a lot of people and she has to be on time and stick to a schedule. And she HAS to be nice to them all no matter their personalities. On top of that it is physically demanding at times. The owner took me aside recently and told me they have never had anyone like her working for them ever. She has always been a little slower in academics. It took her longer to learn to read. Math facts took longer, but she would do all the work I put in front of her without complaining. I toyed with having her evaluated, and then I had to set that idea aside b/c I was taking care of our elderly friend, then dealing with my own health scare, then Dh's Alzheimer's. She does seem to have a gift with piano for some reason. She also has the ability to get people to do things for her. I'm not kidding. People give her things for nothing and they change their schedules to accommodate her. I do not understand why. It has been this way since she was very young. If I had her with me at yard sales I would not have to pay for anything she wanted. I have recently had to tell adult friends of mine to tell her 'no' b/c they just seem to think the world will end if they don't say yes. Ds and I joke about it and if we ever want a deal on something we are buying or an exception made, we bring her with us. Not kidding either.
  3. I have support from some very good friends and the owners of this business I count among them. It is a difficult road, but in some ways easier b/c now I know why Dh did the things he did and didn't do the things he didn't for the past 4 years. I thought he had just become a selfish jerk, or worse, that he had been that way all along and I never noticed! I am really amazed at the way events have worked for us. Dd working has been a major factor in us being able to get though the waiting period for SSDI. Both of my kids have contributed, and I have a job now too. There have been other miracles too. The money should never have worked out. But it did. I don't know how. I just took it day by day. ETA: You are right, I don't want to know.
  4. Doctors do not think my husband's case is genetic. There is no history of it in his family. He is somewhat of a medical mystery, but Alzheimer's in general is anyway. I have done all the research, and while the popular line is that there re drugs that slow it--that is not actually shown to be true. Drugs only control symptoms, and at best for about 6 months IF they work at all, and they don't work for about 60% of the people. Dh has been suffering with this for a minimum of 4 years. I knew something was wrong. Had to force him to go to a doctor. I won't go into the details. They are not pretty. I am glad you raised the issue of the possibility of inheriting Alzheimer's b/c if that were to be a possibility, I would want my Dd to have a chance at doing something she loves and not feel forced to spend her time in a classroom. So that adds a whole new perspective to the argument.
  5. Yes. I did not mean to imply that being in favor of college is narrow minded. Just the idea that every kid should go straight into college (though I was guilty of thinking that way for many years).
  6. I have to add a funny aside to this discussion. I mentioned one of the owners is a former high school chemistry teacher. She will not employ any kids who are not at least attending college part time. And she also told my daughter repeatedly that she is not allowed to date until she has her masters degree! That is how strongly she feels about education. I really like her for that!
  7. The scholarships she has won are from private organizations, so she may be able to use a few of them depending on the wording. I am not that concerned about our income/FAFSA. We will be very poor. My Dh has Early Onset Alzheimer's. We are already poor and only going to get worse. Most of our income will be from SSDI. They will definitely work with Dd to make sure she can get her school work done.
  8. Has already been discussed. They will not employ her if she is not at least taking classes. I know these people very well. They have been employing her for 2 years already. The owner is a former high school chemistry teacher. Originally she would not allow her to work there during college at all (except during summer break). Knowing what they know now about how my Dd learns and about her abilities, they are willing to employ her while she takes classes part time working toward her degree. What I need to do is look at what part time looks like financially. I have no idea if any financial aid applies for part time students. That may be where there is a catch. ETA: Up to now I viewed this as a good way for Dd to make money and pursue her interests. The idea of doing it full time was not being considered, so there are more details that would need to be discussed. Dd will be getting a high school education that would enable her to attend a 4 year school at some point, if not now, then later. However, if she is going to attend part time, then maybe I would just have her start taking classes at the local CC now rather than wait until later. She has already won a bunch of scholarships too. Need to see if she can still use them if she's part time. There are a lot of things I need to consider. I am just sort of surprised to be considering a very different approach than I planned.
  9. Jean, I had already decided Dd would be going the 5 year high school route, partly b/c of time lost while I was caring for our elderly friend, followed by time caring for Dh, and partly b/c Dd just takes longer than Ds did at all academics. Margaret, I do suspect there is some ADD at play for Dd. Never had her formally evaluated, but it is not hard to see. I am glad to 'hear' some experiences that sound similar. I definitely don't want to be one of those people trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I have always felt that the education has to be suited to the makeup of the child. My SIL did not pay attention to her son's make up and went ahead and put him in a 4 year college away from home and it was a disaster. A very expensive disaster. Everyone who truly knows our situation and knows my daughter and the business is telling me to let her do it. Here and there a person will come along with a criticism and tell me 4 year college with a degree is the only way. Those people like to say I will ruin her life if I don't get her into a 4 year school and make her go. The more I hear that the more I realize what a narrow minded unrealistic view of the world that is.
  10. Please post here if you and your child have made out-of-the-ordinary decisions for high school and beyond. Did your Dc go into business, apprentice for someone, go to trade school, join a family business? Anything non-traditional. I have some decisions to make for my Dd and it is looking like we will not be going the traditional 4 year full time college route. That worked well for Ds, but Dd has some opportunities and I don't think 4 year full time college is going to work. She has the chance to become a partner in a well established business. (Which I may explain better later.) I have thorough knowledge of this business and the owners. Dd has already been working for them for several years on a part time basis. She has worked so hard and done so well, and she has natural talent. The owner has no family to take over, and they want her there. That Dd can make money in the business is indisputable since she has been a major contributor to our finances for the past 2 years while I was sorting out my husband's Alzheimer's and applying for disability. None of this is what I planned. I planned for a somewhat rigorous high school course load followed by 4 years of college, full time. If she joins this business permanently, part time college is all Dd would be able to handle. Dd is not the student my Ds is. She needs more time to complete assignments and she gets very antsy having to sit for too long, so maybe this is better, idk. It's what seems to be falling into place, so I would like to hear from others who did things differently.
  11. I don't remember how to multi-quote! Quill- I did know that Mrs Mungo has been gone for quite a while. Lots of others too. PeterPan-- Don't need anything right now. I sent her to stay with a friend halfway across the country, and she is working for part of this summer there. I am still sorting out legal and financial stuff. Waiting for Permanent disability to be approved. Once I am done with the estate planning and elder care attorney then I will consider what I have here to use with her and what I want to accomplish with her. She's a very different kid from Ds, so I need a different plan, and under the circumstances, I am really going to be focusing on what is important, not only for school, but for life. Her high school will be mostly get-it-done high school, not like Ds's at all. Part of that is b/c of circumstances and part of that is b/c I realize how much unnecessary time and money I wasted on things that really did not matter for Ds's schooling. soror- the diagnosis was a relief. At least it explained why Dh was behaving like a jerk for so long. He just could not handle anything. He was an accountant and refused to do our Ds FAFSA. Told me to do it myself since I am home and don't do anything all day. That was almost 3 years ago. I almost had a breakdown over that. Dh always took care of finances and I had no idea where to even find the answers to anything for the FAFSA! It didn't occur to me at the time that he was sick. I thought he had just turned into a selfish jerk. He didn't seem concerned in any way, either. That was so odd to me. I was up at night with knots in my stomach and he just slept like a baby. Multiply that incident by every single thing you might ever need your spouse for. HE refused to see a doctor and I had to trick him to get him evaluated. When he realized where we were going he told me he was going to tell the doctor what a --- I am and began listing all my offenses. I had to take over all of our finances about a year and a half ago and we had a negative balance in our checking account. He had us very near to bankruptcy. There's more, but I will spare all of you. I don't enjoy reliving it. Alzheimer's is a cruel disease, for the patient, and maybe even more for the family and caregiver. Yes, it has been a rough time. Caregiving for our 94 year old friend was easy comparatively. I miss him so much. He was my best friend. He was a cooperative and easy patient and grateful for everything. None of which applies to my Dh now--though he cannot help it. This is what Alzheimer's has turned him into.
  12. Things look a little different here. Came back today to search for Mrs Mungo's Oatmeal recipe. I'll be in and out as I revamp Dd's final years of high school. We have had a crazy couple of years. First I was caring for our 94 year old friend who was really like my father. He died a little over a year ago and I was an executor to his estate. Now I am the caretaker for my Dh who was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer's in February of this year. It was and wasn't a surprise since his behavior has been off for several years. As I deal with his disease progression I am also attempting to get Dd's schooling back on track. But I just wanted to pop in and say 'Hi' for now. It's been a while.
  13. Interesting. I don't think I would go as far as calling him a heretic, but I think I understand where you are coming from.
  14. I always thought we would help Dc, but our financial situation changed about 5 years ago when my husband lost his job. He was out of work almost to the end of unemployment funds. He did find another job, but making half of the salary we had lived on for most of my Dc's lives. We can afford to do nothing monetary for our Dc at all. It seems we have a very unique position. Ds was fortunate enough to receive a scholarship at a state university, and b/t that and grants his tuition is fully covered. He also received scholarships from 2 different clubs he is a member of. The university allowed for stacking scholarships, so every semester he receives a refund of several thousand dollars. He has no loans, and says he will not take any. HE works part time and during holidays he adds lots of extra hours, but there are weeks he has no hours at all. He does not have a car and won't be looking for one until he can afford insurance. He has paid for his own computer, buys his own clothes, and sometimes even his meal if he is out. I drive him to the train he takes to the university and he gives me $20 for gas about every other week. He has a unique job and if he travels for it on long weekends, he can sometimes make $1000 or more in a 3 day weekend. When we are back on our feet again I am hoping we will be able to help him more than we can now, even if it is by not having him pay for gas. This is not exactly the situation I wanted for him, but we are thankful he is able to attend the university and not have debt. He was accepted into every college he applied to (7) and had a very generous scholarship to an expensive private university, but he would have had to pay about $3,000 a year and take loans. And he didn't want to take loans, so that made his decision easy. Dd is a completely different student. I will be having her apply to 2 local schools when the time comes and she will have to choose from them or the CC. I have no idea if we will be able to help her at all by then. She also has a part time job right now that pays very well. She pays all of her expenses for extracurriculars and some of her clothing. None of this is how I would like things to be. They are reality for us though. I have apologized to my kids about how much they have to pay for. Neither one of them feels slighted in the least. They are both happy to be able to contribute. ​I just wanted to say it is still possible for some kids to pay their own way. I had to pay for about the same as my Ds does, but I lived at home rent free, and so does he.
  15. Buy a used one that is at least 10-15 years old. Back then people understood that water is necessary to properly wash clothes.
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