Who's up for another 'are my inlaws crazy or am I' question?

[abba12]

I'm glad to not be the only one with these questions. Because the most recent event is so far out of the family culture I grew up in that I can barely comprehend it. But I have to help poor dh cope somehow. This is not a JAWM, I'm pretty sure of my opinion here but an opposing opinion might help me understand what the inlaws are thinking.

A bit of background, dh is second of 8 kids who range in age from 30 to 14. Only one other sibling is married and she has no kids. We have had issues because his family don't respect our decisions as parents and will even interfere, and they engage in some frustrating behaviours, both of the bullying kind and the stupid what are you thinking kind which mean we have had to begin putting some boundaries in place to protect our kids. Nonetheless we want to try and keep some form of relationship.

Dhs brotheris turning 23 this month and is planning an event. Originally it was going to be dinner at a nice family restaurant (not the sort of place to bring out crayons or have a kids menu, but they do sing happy birthday if you have arranged to have a cake brought out. Think family semi-formal. Its by no means an exclusive couples and businessmen type restaurant). However the plans are changing now and its going to be dinner at the home of the married sister who also happens to be a caterer and will probably be cooking something fancy.

The people invited includes all 7 siblings, the parents, and a couple of friends. However, we have been informed that it does not include our kids. We were told they weren't invited before the venue change, and since the change they have confirmed that is still the case. Apparently having children around is 'no fun for young people'. This same brother has indicated in the past that he believes we should be getting a babysitter every weekend so we can do stuff as adults.

To make matters worse they're acting as if they're doing us a favour! 'you'll be able to have a nice adult evening and actually get to hang out with everyone for once' they said (most of them won't come over to talk to us during family events, and since the house rules are so restrictive we need to be constantly supervising in a very active way, which limits the time we can take to go over to where they are siting. As a result we find ourselves fairly ignored by all but a few at family functions, as they see no problem with planting themselves down away from where the children are 'allowed' to play, threatening to discipline the children themselves if we don't watch them closely enough, and then blaming us for not being social with the adults. Sigh.)

Now, my kids are not bad kids. They aren't the mindless drones that my husband siblings were growing up because they were too scared to do anything or think for themselves, and they won't sit and play with the same box of duplo silently for 5 hours like his parents expect, but this isn't a case of not wanting wild out of control kids present. They have their moments but we are complemented for their behaviour by most people. They are generally very well behaved kids by normal peoples standards.

If brother were having a party with a bunch of college or work friends it would be a little different. If he were only inviting his two closest in age brothers and their significant others it would also be different. Its not like we have never gone out without the children before. But every are inviting all siblings including the 14 and 16 year old, and parents, and there will only be a couple of friends attending, but my children are specifically not welcome because he doesn't think kids are 'fun' for young adults to be around? I can't even begin to imagine a situation where my dad would invite all my siblings to his house for dinner with their partners and not welcome children. He did invite me and siblings out once, but it was also no partners, just him and his blood children, when my brother finally returned home after 4 years of no contact. Very different.

Also, do they think we have babysitters lining up to take our kids? I will not use an agency under any circumstances, so we are limited, and I'm not using the only child free night I'll get for months siting around listening to father in law and biting my tongue all night tyvm

Do other families have family events which are adult only? Is it acceptable to invite a couple out and specifically not invite children? Dh is hurting because he feels like they don't accept our kids, they don't agree with our decisions so they're almost just pretending they don't exist. He was just starting to feel like things were moving positively, father in law actually made a genuine effort with the children last month when we visited, but now this... And of course there's more to it that I'm leaving out, there always is with stuff like this isn't there. I'm just sick of seeing them hurt my husband, but he isn't ready to step as far back as I suspect he will have to.

For the record, even if we wanted to we couldn't arrange babysitting for the date they chose so the issue was taken out of our hands, we won't be attending the birthday party. I offered to let dh go by himself, but his family have rejected me since we court married so he decided there was no way he was going to attend alone and set a precedent for them to cut me out of things too. I'm sure they'll talk about how ridiculous we are being for not just dumping the kids whenever we feel like it so we can do the things we are 'supposed' to want to do (like play video games all night and go out drinking, yeah, whatever)

Well at least I have the vent out of my system, maybe now I can sleep, since its past midnight and I've been dwelling on this all evening since dh let me know how upset he was.

[QueenCat]

I think it is perfectly normal for parents to get a sitter from time to time. I also think it's fine to occasionally have adults only events within the family. If it were always adults only, I'd think differently.

[Rose in BC]

I come from a large child loving family. We have done adults only dinners. Not often but occasionally.

[Catwoman]

I think you should politely decline the invitation and be done with it.

No further explanation is necessary.

If they have nothing better to do at the party than sit around and gossip about how foolish you were not to attend, it doesn't sound like you'll be missing much by not being with them, anyway.

[zoobie]

It's their party, so they can invite whomever they desire. You can decline and send your best wishes.

I don't think it's weird for a 23 year old to want a fancy, adult party. (Your ILs are still weird and unkind generally though from everything else you've shared!) In this case, I don't think it's about you.

[NorthwestMom]

There's WAY more than just "not inviting the kids to an adult birthday party" here.

 

I think you should  stay home with the kids and encourage your DH to go. Let him try to work through his family relationships. You can't really control or affect anything here.  

[SproutMamaK]

I think it's totally normal for a 23 year old to not want kids at his birthday party, especially if it's fancy. However, there's a lot of background with your DH's family that makes what would otherwise be a reasonable request feel like a very obnoxious one, thanks to their general condescension towards you guys.

[busymama7]

I think parents should go out without kids on a fairly/semi regular basis. I think planning a kid free party is fine and probably less stressful for you in the long run then having your kids there. If it was a major holiday or just a simple get together then telling you not to bring kids would be weird/rude but I think it's totally ok for the adults in a family to get together without kids.

If you don't want to go or can't get a sitter then politely decline. But don't hold it against them. It doesn't sound to me like they've done anything wrong. (In *this* case, I've seen some of your other posts...)

[Catwoman]

There's WAY more than just "not inviting the kids to an adult birthday party" here.

I think you should stay home with the kids and encourage your DH to go. Let him try to work through his family relationships. You can't really control or affect anything here.

I wouldn't encourage her dh to go alone. It sounds like, in this particular family, it's very important for her and her dh to present a united front.

[Ravin]

I don't think it's about you. I also don't think it's really an adults only party. If it was, the young teenage siblings wouldn't be invited either.

Personally, I would arrange childcare if I wanted an adults only night with my siblings, with someone sibs would find acceptable watching their kids.

I've read previous posts about your in laws. Makes me glad my husband distanced himself from unpleasant family interaction before we married.

[busymama7]

I think it's totally normal for a 23 year old to not want kids at his birthday party, especially if it's fancy. However, there's a lot of background with your DH's family that makes what would otherwise be a reasonable request feel like a very obnoxious one, thanks to their general condescension towards you guys.

I agree with this too. But if you do want to keep peace in the family then think about if this is your hill to die on.

Btw, if it helps I think things will get better as more siblings have kids. I'm sorry this is so yucky :(

[busymama7]

I don't think it's about you. I also don't think it's really an adults only party. If it was, the young teenage siblings wouldn't be invited either.
.

Nah, there is a big difference between a 14 year old at a dinner and toddlers.

[Truscifi]

It's their party, so they can invite whomever they desire. You can decline and send your best wishes.

I don't think it's weird for a 23 year old to want a fancy, adult party. (Your ILs are still weird and unkind generally though from everything else you've shared!) In this case, I don't think it's about you.

 

 

I think it's totally normal for a 23 year old to not want kids at his birthday party, especially if it's fancy. However, there's a lot of background with your DH's family that makes what would otherwise be a reasonable request feel like a very obnoxious one, thanks to their general condescension towards you guys.

 

:iagree:  I have no problem with someone specifically saying they don't want young kids at their event. It may mean I don't go, but I understand sometimes you just don't want to deal with even the best behaved little kids. But it sounds like there is way more going on here.

[skimomma]

It sounds like the issues run far deeper than this one dinner.

 

That said, it is perfectly fine to host a kid-free family event.  It is also perfectly fine to decline an invitation to the event if you cannot or do not want to get a sitter.

[gardenmom5]

yes - other families have adult only events.  and frankly - the host is free to chose who the guest list constitutes.  I've done things with my own adult children and needed to find a babysitter for dudeling because it was inappropriate for him. 

 

I'm sorry you can't find a babysitter, but it sounds like that is what your problem really is.  get to know teens in the neighborhood, a girlfriend of yours, etc. who might be able to babysit. (then you can babysit for her sometime).  perhaps even a friend of one of your dh's siblings or parents.  making an effort to find a babysitter and attend your dh's family event might go a long way in repairing some walls that seem to have been erected.  choosing your children will just send another message you don't want to associate with your dh's family.

[MistiDelaney]

I don't think what your inlaws are requesting is unusual - I have had a fair few friendships end over the same issue. 

In my case, I don't do babysitters.  I never had one with any of my children and have had friends decide to end the friendship because of it.  Leaving one's children is expected.  I don't do it, but I understand that some people will never grok that. I don't mind declining invitations that don't include children while I have one too young to be on his own for that long. 

 

That said, I haven't had it happen with inlaws.  That would feel very bad.  :(

[PeachyDoodle]

I wouldn't encourage her dh to go alone. It sounds like, in this particular family, it's very important for her and her dh to present a united front.

 

:iagree:

 

Abba12, I was actually thinking as I read your post, "Good for him for putting her first!" I would only send dh by himself if excluding yourself from future family events is what you want (which may very well be the case).

 

I agree that, in general, an adults-only evening is not a bad thing. In this situation, based on the other things that have been shared previously, I doubt it's as innocuous as it would be within a different dynamic. My family has none of these kinds of issues, but I still would be offended if they planned an event that basically only included the family but said my children were not welcome. (Like in your case, our dc are the only young children in the family.) However, it's completely beyond your control, and so I would either get the sitter and make an appearance, or politely decline and do something fun with *your* little family that night.

 

ETA: For me, I think the fact that these are the *only* young children in the family makes this extra touchy. It's one thing for a large extended family with lots of young kids to say, "Oh, let's have a fun grown-up night and leave the kids at home this time!" But when yours are the only kids being excluded, it's much easier to feel like it's your particular children who are unwanted. At least it would be for me. You're not really talking about an adults-only party, but a family gathering that purposefully excludes two members of the family.

[mathnerd]

I have read the other threads about your ILs. I am sorry (I too have a similar bunch). I have been married a long, long time - and have had many such incidents under my belt. My advise is this - you could stay home and encourage your DH to go. He may be strong in his opinion of not going, but atleast you tried. You are not presenting a divided front by being separated for this event - you are showing them that your kids are very important to you and that you choose to be with them instead of the ILs on that evening.

 

In my opinion, if someone does not want kids at their celebration, that is their choice (it is his birthday and he might like to do things his way). Every single family member need not show up for every single event. And since they ignore you anyway for most of the time, it might be a good thing if your DH went alone.

 

And I too think that it is a good idea for parents to have an occasional night out without kids - but, I would never choose that night out to hang out with my ILs  :huh:

[RemsMom]

I don't use babysitters often.  In my 23 years of parenting I can count on one hand the number of times I have hired a babysitter.  If this event had come up in my family I would tell my family we wouldn't be able to attend and I would send a gift (and, since you can't hear tone over the internet this would be said in a cherry "see you next time" way).

 

To be honest, if I were in you position, I would be happy the children were not invited so I would have an excuse not to go.  Sorry you have family issues.

[Carrie12345]

We almost never (and I'm using 'almost' b/c something may have slipped my mind over the years) have adult-only family events. And I haven't hired a sitter in... 9 years, I think.

 

That said, I don't see anything wrong with people wanting an adult-only evening. That isn't a reflection of people's opinions about individual children, just a chance to have an evening without them.

[Amy in NH]

What's so special about a 23rd birthday that a grown adult has to have all his siblings drop their lives to attend an exclusive party?

[elfgivas]

we found it helpful to have "rules".  one of dh's rules is that he doesn't like to party without us.  he has so little time with the dc as it is, that if an event takes him away from them, he declines.  we do go out just the two of us, but again we try to do it when kids are already engaged elsewhere.  (it doesn't always work that way, but we try)

 

so in this case, dh would simply say "happy birthday.  have a great time."  

 

it is completely up tto hem who they invite, and completely up to you two how you respond.  

 

i found that after a few years of dh refusing to go to family gatherings without dc and/or me, they included everyone sometimes, and none of us the other times.  

 

hth,

ann

[WTMCassandra]

You can't fix crazy, but you don't have to pay for it by paying a sitter for a rare night out to be miserable.  And there's no guarantee  (actually, kind of the opposite) that if you do what they want, that they will accept you. I think declining is the wisest thing to do.

[Retired]

I came from dysfunctional over controlling family.  My parents were also ultra religious .  I remember being in my early 20's wanting the adult meals with alcohol etc.  I wouldn't of wanted kids there but actually I was pregnant at 22 (not planned) so my thoughts and feeling changed to wanting to take my baby everywhere.   We were the only ones with kids and I didn't want to leave my son with sitter just to go out.  I already had to leave him so I could work.  I know my in-laws all went on week end trips and were having all type of fun while I stayed home with my kids.   I was young and felt left out because they're weren't doing anything that I could bring my son along.  The funny thing is once they had kids mine were older and I was able to do adult stuff.   They are the ones sitting home when I take off.  Its all comes back around.  They were young and selfish.  YOur dh's family seem anti kids anyway so it goes with their attitude kids are not fun.   I would just not go.  I didn't do all type of adult stuff with dh's family back when my kids were young.   They now plan all event around kids but don't realize how dang selfish they were when my kids were little.  They want us to bow to their kids schedule and stuff.   I don't' bring up the past but I just get a laugh that what you dish out comes back at you at some point.  They plan all family stuff around their kids.  My boys are grown and don't attend most stuff.  My dh are at a point we want adults stuff.  We will stop in at their family Christmas party and stuff but then leave.  My MIL/ SIL made a comment about it last Christmas why my boys don't come and we don't stay.   I just told her remember when my kids were young and you planned parties at casinos.  The traveling beach vacation we couldn't afford with kids.  Well its our turn!

[Jean in Newcastle]

In your previous thread asking about your in-laws, you were repeatedly advised to keep your kids away from  your in-laws because of their overly restrictive and emotionally abusive behavior.  So why would you want to insist on taking your kids to this?  Send your dh and stay home with the kids.  

[unsinkable]

What's so special about a 23rd birthday that a grown adult has to have all his siblings drop their lives to attend an exclusive party?

His birthday, his choice.

And it is the attendees' choices whether to attend or not.

Lots of families celebrate birthdays no matter what age the person is. And lots of families have adults only parties. I don't think "what's so special..." factors in the decision.

[aggie96]

It might not be unusual for a family to have an adults-only event, but my family would have been kind enough to invite me, DH, and children (especially if we were the only ones with kids) knowing that we aren't fond of non-family babysitters so if all the family attends the event, we have no babysitter.  My family just wouldn't have planned such an event.  We have had grown-up family events where all the cousins were babysat by the teenage siblings (two of my siblings are 18 and 20 years younger than me).  But in our family, highschoolers are still "sitting at the kids table", IOW not attending "adults-only" events.

[catz]

I think it's well within their rights and totally fine to have some adult only events. I also think it's well within your rights to say, "So sorry, we're unable to get a sitter for that evening. Have a happy birthday", and not give it a 2nd thought if it doesn't work for you. If your DH would like to go, just let him go.

[elfgivas]

i've been thinking about this some more.  (i am stuck with a broken knee cap, so am spending a lot of time thinking ;)

 

is it possible they have done you a favour?  this makes it clearer, and you don't need to go.  

 

and given the history, i think your dh is exactly right in not going by himself.  i would support his decision.  

plan a pizza and movie night with your kids, and have way more fun than you would otherwise.

 

i remember a time when dmil paid to take all her other children, their spouses and families to the galapagos islands.  

i was so upset at being excluded.  except when i thought about it, she had saved me the awkwardness of having to say no, or the disaster of having to go.  

and that helped me a lot in the end.

 

i was able to turn her rejection into thankfulness at not having to deal with the mess that night, and the emotional mess of dh and kids all the next month or so.

 

this way is better.

 

hth,

ann

[trulycrabby]

If I were you, I would be thrilled to have such a fine excuse not to attend. Unless DH feels very strongly about going, then he should not attend either since they have been so condescending to you in the past. I have read several of your posts about you inlaws and think you should do whatever it takes to be far, far away from them. They are horrible, horrid, people. :ack2:

[Mandylubug]

I would praise God for giving me my "out" and gladly stay home with my family.

No need to get wound up about it. Let it roll off your shoulders and feel the peace of doing what makes you happy. Not what others expect of you!

[LucyStoner]

Ok, I understand a young man not wanting little kids at his party. And if it were his 18th or 21st birthday or his rehearsal dinner or wedding reception I would say that you get a sitter and go unless you're recovering from birth. But for 23rd? Decline politely and be done with it.

[Guest submarines]

If you are honest with yourself, would you really want to have taken your children there, to be exposed to their toxicity?

 

It is okay to cut them off. It is okay not to be upset if they exclude you again--because you really don't want to be there and you need to protect your children from them, and you should be thinking about what is real, and not what is "ideal." Unfortunately, you don't have this ideal. Many don't. That's okay too.

 

:grouphug:

[Tap]

Family culture is family culture.  Its seems to me like the family isn't big on kids-being-kids.  Dh's siblings see that you are forced to watch your children like hawks whenever you have a family event and would like to bring you back to the adult conversations.  It sounds like they want to include you in the group, not push you away.   An adult only evening, for an adults birthday party is fine.  It doesn't sound like the MIL/FIL are planning the party but the 23yo is.  He would like his siblings to be around for that, there is nothing wrong with that.  A 14yo sibling at the dinner table is very different than young children and shouldn't be compared as such.  I have teen age children and a young child in my home right now....Trust me there is a world of difference in going out to dinner without dd7 (and just my teens) than with her. 

 

If they invited you to a family event that is often child centered like Christmas or Easter and excluded the children, I would respond differently.  An all adult/teen birthday dinner, doesn't bother me.

To me, I see it as the family trying to give you a reason to have a family dinner without children.  Right or wrong, that is what they are doing.  There is nothing wrong with that.  What they don't see, is the stress it is causing you, to feel like your children are not welcome.  I am thinking that their version of events, is that they are being extra nice to you, by offering you the chance to have some adult/teen family time. 

 

I would say, the ball is in your court.  You have been invited to a party.  You can go or not go.  It is your choice to accept and invitation or not.  If you go sans kids, you could cut the night short to minimize the time away OR sneak off after leaving the party to do something you Want to do.  LOL   If you don't go, send a present and wrap it in grand style so no one misses the fact that your left it for him (if you usually give presents) to the party, or mail a card a couple of days early, to make sure the birthday boy is appropriately greeted.

 

Your idea of a family dinner is just different that the vision of a 23yo.  There is nothing wrong with either of those events.  You just have to decide if you want to go and honor the 23yo's birthday, or stay home and honor your own version of what the evening should look like.  Try to not see it as something they are doing to you.  It isn't about you, it is about the wished of the 23yo and how he wants to celebrate his birthday.  If you don't go, invite the brother out to dinner with your kids, to extend the celebratory meal, but also to show that there are no hard feelings.

 

I know it hurts to be the one who feels excluded from events.  I am the baby of my large family by 6 years and had my first child at 22yo.  In my family, a birthday dinner was usually moved to a bar as soon as dinner was over, so I was excluded for years.  For dinners, I was always banished to the kids table. As an adult, I actually watched my kids, so I was the appointed nanny for everyone's kids.  I decided long ago that I could sulk at how I wished things were different or I could just accept what I have and make the best of it. 

 

[Loowit]

I don't think it is unusual for adult siblings to get together to do something without kids.  My parents used to do card parties with my dad's siblings and parents a few times a year when I was a kid.  They had a lot of fun, but the difference in the situation is that kids were not excluded at most things.  The kids were a big part of the extended family and we weren't seen as bothersome or a problem.  I would just tell them you can't attend and leave it at that.

[poppy]

I think it's absolutely reasonable to request no young kids at a nice sit down dinner. Decline graciously or attend with optimism. It is only petty drama if you chose to make it more than that.

[Danestress]

I think it is perfectly normal to have adult parties with or without kids. I do 'just adult' things with my siblings and 'everyone included' things. I had three children before anyone else did, and I understand how this can create issues. I also gather that there is more to this story. But I would not let this particular thing be a point of contention or the cause of hurt feelings. Go or don't go. Since you are willing to take your kids, I assume they are not hateful or toxic, so I would go if DH wanted or not go if he didn't want, or I would just send him.

[T'smom]

I would just say "sorry, we can't make it." We get babysitters sometimes but that is expensive so I wouldn't even try to get one unless it was an event that I really wanted to attend.

[nmoira]

People are within their rights to have child-free events. I am free not to go. It shouldn't be a big deal. But...

 

I offered to let dh go by himself, but his family have rejected me since we court married so he decided there was no way he was going to attend alone and set a precedent for them to cut me out of things too. 

 

*If* your husband wants to go for his brother's sake he should. I understand your relationship with your in-laws is less than ideal, but IMHO it's best to give people a chance to fail rather than assume they will. His staying home wouldn't be standing up for you so much as trying to avoid having to down the line.

 

:grouphug:

[Scarlett]

Birthdays come around once a year. With 7 siblings that could potentially be a lot of family dinners. I do agree a host is free to set the guest list but I am not a fan of family events excluding children.

That being said, I would politely decline. I would not send dh without me.

[ThisIsTheDay]

Do other families have family events which are adult only?

 

Not once others start having children.  You're just the first, so it's easy to exclude them.  It's either a family party or not.  Either his brother wants to have *all* of the family, or it's not a family party.  I'd skip it entirely and continue to maintain a bit of distance.  But that's just me, neither dh nor I come from a culture where family remains that close, and I would have no interest in being around people who are so vocal about how I should run my life.

 

I'm sorry, I hope that you plan a fun family evening at home and doing something special to celebrate being parents!!

[SKL]

If you don't want to leave your kids with a sitter, then it is fine to politely decline.

 

That said, I can imagine cases where they would not want little kids around.  For example, if the atmosphere was going to get a little risque or involve "adult language" etc.  Also if it were going to run late.

 

In my family, we don't really do that type of party, but it could be because we siblings are a lot older and several of us have kids/grandkids.  I frankly would decline such an invitation (if they even invited me) because it isn't my thing.

[gardenmom5]

Not once others start having children. 

 

yeah - we did.  a nephew was invited along to the family adult activity because he'd proven he was capable not only of behaving appropriatly - but also enjoying the event.  all the other little kids had babysitters.

 

eta: the event was three adult siblings and spouses.  all had mutilple children, most of whom were eight or under.  the oldest (who was invited along) was 15.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it is perfectly normal to have adult parties with or without kids. I do 'just adult' things with my siblings and 'everyone included' things. I had three children before anyone else did, and I understand how this can create issues. I also gather that there is more to this story. But I would not let this particular thing be a point of contention or the cause of hurt feelings. Go or don't go. Since you are willing to take your kids, I assume they are not hateful or toxic, so I would go if DH wanted or not go if he didn't want, or I would just send him.

Same here. I understand that there is a little contention and drama in other areas. But, if *you* aren't perfectly reasonable when the request is a reasonable one, then you look like the crazy one. I am well versed in the "which one of us is crazy" wars. Try to always err on the side of reason, and they will look like the crazy ones.

[albeto.]

Well, having been married more than 20 years now [hey kids, get offa mah lawn!], I have come to the conclusion that many times "family dysfunction" is just another way of saying, "this isn't what I'm used to, I'm not comfortable not knowing how to navigate these waters." In other words, I wouldn't take it personally. The brother may think having kids around is an unpleasant distraction (what if they break the stereo, what if they get into my porn magazines under the bed, what if... what if... ohmygod I want to just enjoy myself). Then again, maybe he loves your kids and is being polite to someone else who is doing the organizing and isn't invested one way or the other about your kids coming this time to this one event. If it were me, I'd try and find a sitter, and go enjoy a family celebration. Let the crazy fall where it may, and carpe that diem. Your future sons and daughters in-law will raise their eyebrows at things you think are perfectly normal. It's all a part of life. 

[gardenmom5]

I'd like to add the converse.  dudeling has anxiety.  I've had things that would normally be the whole family, but were just him and the great-neices/nephews that are close to his age. (their parents are his first-cousins)  mil was irked at not being invited - but that was her problem because she was more interested in herself than her grandson. 

[Slartibartfast]

I would just get a babysitter. I don't think it would be fun at all to take the kids and then have to monitor them that closely or risk them getting yelled at. Your BIL will understand eventually that adults do not need constant babysitters. I would just chalk it up to immaturity and move on. It is still his birthday.

[poppy]

I just want to ask about this, from the OP:

Because the most recent event is so far out of the family culture I grew up in that I can barely comprehend it. But I have to help poor dh cope somehow.

 

I think you really must be upset about other things -- whicih I get.  But I am scratching my head at the idea that someone not being invited to a party is incomprehensible and something one needs to learn to cope with "somehow".  It's not that I'm unsympathetic-I  can tell you are really emotional on this topic. But.  It's a birthday party.   Why make it such a big deal?

 

Then.....

 

Now, my kids are not bad kids. They aren't the mindless drones that my husband siblings were growing up because they were too scared to do anything or think for themselves, and they won't sit and play with the same box of duplo silently for 5 hours like his parents expect, but this isn't a case of not wanting wild out of control kids present. They have their moments but we are complemented for their behaviour by most people. They are generally very well behaved kids by normal peoples standards.

 

This makes me think you have zero respect for your in-laws.  Hey, maybe you're right, but I'd be absolutely appalled if someone described my parenting this way.  I see NO reason for you to even attempt to socialize with people you seem to despise.

[Annie G]

They're free to have a kid-free party. You're free to decline. Honestly, I wouldn't waste a sitter on a family dinner for a 23 year old's birthday party. If you get a sitter, go out with dh and do something FUN.  

 

I predict that as the siblings start having their own kids, these 'kid free' events will fade away.  By that time, your kids will be old enough to stay home alone (and they will likely WANT to stay home rather than attend anything with that extended family)  and you'll be the one wanting kid-free events.

 

 

[Anne in CA]

I doubt that his family understands the push-pull they are engaging in. They just are not functional enough to be reasoned with.  I think a fun evening with out kids would be lovely if these were fun people, but they are not, and since you have limited opportunities to get a babysitter I would not waste them on people who aren't fun either. 

 

I don't think they see the big picture that they are rejecting your kids. They are selfish/ centered on themselves, and they don't see that this is one more insult. They always view they way they have been doing things as right, and they are not capable of seeing a different point of view. Sad, but it is not likely to change. It isn't unusual that a 23yo without a family should have opinions like, "You should be going out without kids all the time." He is clueless about a healthy family environment. Fun time without kids would vary from couple to couple based on interests, other friends, hobbies, ect. There is no right or wrong answer there.