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I lost the baby, now what?

Ann.without.an.e

By Ann.without.an.e,
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Ann.without.an.e

Ann.without.an.e

Posted
Posted

PLEASE don't quote me as I may delete this thread for privacy reasons.  Thanks.

 

 

I am not on here much and I wasn't sure about opening myself up like this.  I lost the baby on Christmas Eve.  I was twelve weeks but the growth was lagging some.  It wasn't totally unexpected because the heartrate at the last u/s was unusually slow, but we were hopeful that it was just a fluke.  I woke up spotting that morning.  My in-laws came over for an early dinner (didn't know I was pregnant) and I managed to hide the pain, etc from them. It was very important to me that they not know about this baby.   At some point I had to tell my DH to tell them that i was sick and I just locked myself in my room because contractions were painful and coming about every 60-90 seconds.  I labored for 2-3 hours and passed the entire placenta with my in-laws here and they didn't know a thing.  They still haven't a clue.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but please don't judge this....you don't know my in-laws, they are not your in-laws, and you do not know the long history of their crude, judge mental, hurtful, insensitive attitudes and comments (strong opinions about everything, 180 degrees opposite of our family, and no filter).  This knowledge was a privilege they hadn't earned.  

 

Okay, so now what?  I passed the entire placenta and the contractions stopped about an hour after that.  I really want to wait until Feb. to see a doctor because our insurance year starts over on Feb. 1st and we are in a gap where everything is out of pocket.  I had to see the doctor a few times and have several u/s before the miscarriage and it was all out of pocket.  

 

This is an honest question here....in the past women passed miscarriages all.the.time without medical intervention.  I am not stupid either, if I start running a fever, begin having pain again, if bleeding doesn't stop, etc I will see a doctor.  I guess what I am asking is this.....is there a reason I can't wait just over a month to see a doctor?  Is there something I am not thinking about or taking into consideration?  Edited to add: I also plan to take a pregnancy test in a week to see if it is negative and if it isn't I will continue to test until it is or see a doctor if it continues to be positive.

 

Please hold your tongue if you are feeling judge mental about the idea of me waiting. I am looking for honest feedback here.  I am a real person with real feelings who is going through a tough situation....if you are feeling mean then please find someone else to pick on.  

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happypamama

happypamama

Posted
Posted

Oh, honey, I am so sorry.

 

I think you probably would be fine to wait to see someone, absent any signs of problems such as you have already described. I think, unfortunately, that there's really not anything anyone can do, unless you show signs of infection or anything. That being said, are there any midwives in your area? One of them might be able to see you, or at least talk with you on the phone, for a reasonable price, just in case you want the peace of mind that things are normal for a m/c.

 

Again, I am so, so sorry. Very, very gentle hugs to you and your family.

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Twigs

Twigs

Posted
Posted

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

I'm so sorry for your loss, for having such in-laws, for your anxiety over being judged.

You sound like you have thought through different issues that may arise and reasonable responses if they arise..

May you find peace.

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Erica in OR

Erica in OR

Posted
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I had a miscarriage at nine weeks with my first. I was spotting and had an ultrasound at that time. Doctor said it would just happen naturally on its own (if I wished, or D&C if I chose). I waited and allowed it to finish at home (took a week or two). I did not have a followup immediately, so I'm in the camp of waiting unless you have the symptoms you mentioned.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Erica in OR

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Amira

Amira

Posted
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I am so sorry. I have miscarried on Christmas Eve with the ILs and it's not good, even with my kind MIL.

 

I also understand your medical concerns, and I'd probably wait too. It sounds like you know what to watch for, and honestly, every time I've gone to a doctor for a miscarriage, they've never really done anything for me. I had a sister who needed to have an emergency D&C, but her visit to the doctor earlier that day didn't stop that from happening. I went to the emergency room for my first miscarriage on my doctor's advice and decided it wasn't worth the expense or hassle. I honestly think it's very unlikely that going to the doctor with what seems to be a normal miscarriage will keep an emergency situation for developing, especially if you feel comfortable that you passed the entire placenta.

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PrincessMommy

PrincessMommy

Posted
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I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult circumstances surrounding it. How sad that you had to be alone because of your inlaws. I'm also sorry that the boards have become a place where we have to remind people multiple times in one post not to judge others.

 

I don't think there's a problem with waiting, but I'm not a run to the doctor person anyway. You seem very on top of it.

 

Many hugs and prayers

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Ann.without.an.e

Ann.without.an.e

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I'm so sorry for your loss and the difficult circumstances surrounding it. How sad that you had to be alone because of your inlaws. I'm also sorry that the boards have become a place where we have to remind people multiple times in one post not to judge others.

 

I don't think there's a problem with waiting, but I'm not a run to the doctor person anyway. You seem very on top of it.

 

Many hugs and prayers

 

 

Sorry if I over-emphasized.  I had a medical question post here that sort of exploded so I  guess I am on-guard.

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Crimson Wife

Crimson Wife

Posted
Posted

{{{hugs}}} I'm sorry.

 

Is there perhaps a community college with an ultrasound technician training program close to you where you could get a low-cost u/s to make sure that all the tissue is out? If it isn't all out, I believe you will need to see a M.D. to have a D&C.

 

If your insurance has a nurse advice line, I would call that to see what they say.

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mumto2

mumto2

Posted
Posted

:grouphug: I am so sorry for your loss. I think your decision is well thought out and seems reasonable. Obviously take care of yourself but you don't need to tell a single person you don't want to or talk about it with anyone. This is your business and your husbands, that is it. I have had several miscarriages and my inlaws involvement made things much worse. :grouphug:

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HS Mom in NC

HS Mom in NC

Posted
Posted

My first baby died at 8 weeks and I miscarried at 13.  The only reason we saw a doctor immediately after the miscarriage was because I hemorrhaged.  I had 2 more miscarriages and didn't do any follow up with a doctor.  You seem to be well aware of symptoms that could require medical attention.  Make sure your husband knows the list of them too just in case.  Sometimes your observation skills can get fuzzy when you're having symptoms.

 

Miscarriages are very physically and emotionally demanding.  Good call on avoiding telling the in-laws.  You don't need that right now. It's going to be demanding enough with 4 kids around, so give yourself plenty of time to grieve and try to take it as easy as possible.  I'm so sorry.  It's very hard to lose a baby.

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zoobie

zoobie

Posted
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I would go in for blood tests to make sure your HCG levels clear out to zero as they're supposed to, but I would be overly cautious because a dear friend had a partial molar pregnancy that even with regular medical care was pretty scary for her. If you have needed RhoGAM shots with prior pregnancies, generally you would get one after a miscarriage as well.

 

Is there a clinic in your area where you could get lower cost care? (Planned Parenthood for example.)

 

I'm sorry for your loss. : grouphug:

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msrift

msrift

Posted
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I'm so sorry. I've had two miscarriages, one that necessitated a trip to the ER as everything was definitely not passing on it's own (hemorrhaging and fainting). I agree, that as long as you are on the lookout for the warning signs there isn't too much harm in waiting. Is your doctor one that would discuss this on the phone, just to give you some reassurance? (When we were in a similar insurance situation, my husband's doctor did his best to code thing so that they wouldn't be seen as a pre-existing condition.)

Make sure you take it easy for the next couple of days. Seriously. Set yourself down on the couch and don't move for two days. Just like after childbirth, the more active you are, the more you will bleed. Let your body heal. Let the family wait on you. Again, I'm so sorry. My inlaws never learned of my second miscarriage for many of the same reasons.

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Guest submarines

Guest submarines

Posted
Posted

:grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. I think you are correct that waiting is not a problem, unless you start getting any of the warning signs.

 

Are there any possible legal issues, or this would only be for full term loss?

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LarlaB

LarlaB

Posted
Posted

((((gentle hugs)))))

 

I'm so sorry for your loss- particularly under those circumstances. 

 

I have a little experience- I've miscarried 2 times- 9weeks and 7 weeks- naturally & completely, so no need for medical intervention.  Since we had insurance, I did head to the Dr with the one because I was bleeding very heavily- but it was still within normal parameters and other than telling me to lie down and rest for a day or so, they didn't do anything.  In my understanding, they don't 'do' anything unless it isn't a complete miscarriage.  

I agree with your approach....no need to seek out medical involvement unless something happens from this point on.  I like what PP said..make your DH aware of the symptoms as well.  You seem to be fully informed...yes, complications happen but they are incredibly rare, from what I've heard from friends/family....no need to be overly worried, ok?  Just be observant. 

(((hugs)))

 

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sheryl

sheryl

Posted
Posted

  

I'm so sorry for your loss.   You must be very strong to have handled all of this on your own - preparing for Christmas dinner, in-laws over and you are forced to retreat to the bathroom. 

 

How much would a visit cost?  Way the pros and cons.  But, yes, if you run symptoms then by all means go in.  What does your dh suggest? 

 

No judging here as I bet most of us on the board are faced with difficult people. 

 

(((hug)))

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PrincessMommy

PrincessMommy

Posted
Posted

Sorry if I over-emphasized.  I had a medical question post here that sort of exploded so I  guess I am on-guard.

 

But you're not the first person who has had to remind people to be kind.  I'm not picking on you - I'm just sad that the WTM board has come to a place where it's constantly necessary to remind people of this.  It's been bothering me for a bit and your reminders just made me sad that you had to do that to keep people from jumping all over you (we've all seen it before and it's sad).   I'm sure you're in a very raw place right now and you had every right to protect yourself from snarky people who feel the need to speak their mind.  :grouphug:

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momto10blessings

momto10blessings

Posted
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I'm so sorry for your loss. When I miscarried at home at 12 wks I had a follow up appointment 2 days later. All he did was an ultrasound to make sure that everything had passed and made sure I was ok emotionally and that I knew there was nothing I could have done to prevent my loss. He said its rare that parts of the pregnancy don't pass, but it does happen.

I can totally relate to not wanting to go to the doctor and think you will be fine as long as you don't have any symptoms of infection or anything.

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Kerileanne99

Kerileanne99

Posted
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So very sorry. I recently went through a 3rd miscarriage in a row and hope you take the time you need to heal.

For the 1st (9 weeks) I went to the ER and doctor followup. And was basically told as long as you are not bleeding too much (more than a 'large pad per hour' for any extended time) that it mostly turns into a wait it out situation. If you are fairly certain yours was complete, I think it is fine to wait.

I did this with the next 2 (one at 11 weeks, one at 13 weeks) only going to see the doctor as a late followup because I was anemic. I watched for the same signs you have indicated, and took Motrin.

 

The only thing I would add is that the doctor did make sure to tell me that women are often extremely fertile in the months following, and to be sure to be seen before resuming regular marital activity to see if there were any obvious physical or hormonal reasons for the miscarriage/after effects.

 

I remember your original post explaining the situation with your in-laws and another baby...I am glad that you were able to keep such an intensely personal situation from their judgmental scrutiny.

Hugs...

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Anne in CA

Anne in CA

Posted
Posted

As long as you are very careful to go to the doctor right away if you start to have trouble I don't see why it cant wait. But I think you need to be vigilant to make sure you are not home alone until then. I had my last miscarriage in a hospital and they still missed some and so four weeks later I literally fell over and passed out. I was very lucky that I had been talking to dh on the phone and he ran home from work and found me bleeding on the floor. He took me to the ER where they ignored me while they waited to see if a car accident was coming in and I lost a lot of blood and then was very sick. I have never felt so sorry for anyone as the poor ER nurse who had to clean me up out of a huge disgusting pool of blood. So, please don't be alone for a long period of time. However, I still had medical intervention at the time of the miscarriage and I still ended up in that situation so I don't see why you can't just be careful. 

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OneStepAtATime

OneStepAtATime

Posted
Posted

I agree with others that waiting, since you know what to look for regarding signs of trouble, is probably fine.  

 

I am really, really sorry that you had to deal with this without family support.  I have a friend who miscarried several years ago and her in-laws were visiting from out of state.  They KNEW she was miscarrying and were angry that she wasn't feeding them and taking care of them the way they felt she should as guests in her house.  They decided that she deserved to lose the baby for being a bad DIL.  She wishes that they hadn't known.  It made it 10 times more painful emotionally.  Also, if they thought she had the flu or something else contagious they might have been willing to leave her alone.

 

Hugs and best wishes.  So sorry for your loss and for the difficult situation that you are in.

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Lisa in Jax

Lisa in Jax

Posted
Posted

I m/c'd at home at about 15 weeks. It wasn't a pleasant experience, but I had no issues afterward.

 

It happened a long time ago, so my memory may be incomplete, but I'm sure* I had no internal exam after the m/c. I'm pretty sure I just talked to the MW on the phone after it was over. (The only reason the mw was involved at all was that I'd learned that I was going to m/c during a sonogram for bleeding.  When I told the mw I didn't want a D&C, she just asked me to call her to check in if I had any fever or if I hadn't m/c'd in 7-10 days.)

 

Trust your instincts. If you feel "off," have a fever, pain, etc., get seen. Otherwise, it's likely that you'll be just fine w/o being seen right away.

 

Hugs.

 

Lisa

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kwickimom

kwickimom

Posted
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I passed my last miscarriage at home. I had went to the doc for spotting and they scheduled my d&c for a week later but I labored that night. They insisted I still have the d&c even though the bleeding had stopped by then and if I could do it over again I would not have kept the appt. I was fine, I was literally in the surgical room for 5 mins as there was nothing else to pass.

I see no reason you can't wait the month and only to go sooner if you feel ill or get a fever or have heavy bleeding. I would do exactly what you are doing. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the whole in-law thing, mine never even found out I was pregnant until after I lost it and I wished they never found out any of it ever. 

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MariannNOVA

MariannNOVA

Posted
Posted

I am so sorry, Charleigh. (((((Hugs))))). And I get it about the in laws.

 

I miscarried on Christmas Eve many years ago........dh and I told no one. We didn't go to the ER.

 

A year later, another pregnancy, and a heartbeat was no longer detected the middle of January, we went home, and if I recall correctly, I had a d and c in February. No alarming symptoms that sent me running to the doctor before that.

 

Again, I am sorry.......I think that barring any of those symptoms you mentioned, you can do as you intend.

 

(((((Hugs)))))

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