A Parenting What Should I Do...

[plain jane]

Sigh.  Need some advice on this one.

 

My 11yo dd broke my neighbor's make-shift "gate".  It is just a bunch of boards and chicken wire held up loosely.  It wasn't well built in the first place (neighbor admitted it) but that is not the issue.  What happened was the cat got out, she went to chase it and went into the neighbor's yard.  The neighbors were gone on holidays or she would have gone and knocked on door and asked first, as she always does.  She is typically very considerate of others and polite.  Well, at some point, she tripped and knocked down the whole "gate" (it is where there should be a gate, but neighbor just put up a few loose boards and chicken wire).  It is the only way into the backyard.

 

Thing is, she never told me or dh about it.  Instead, she wrote the neighbor a note apologizing profusely and offering to pay for the damages and posted it on their door.  And left it at that.  Both dh and myself had noticed the damage to the fence and wondered about it but didn't think much as I wasn't sure if the neighbors were on holidays or not or were working on it.

 

Neighbors got back today (as did we from a weekend away) and he tells me to tell dd not to worry about the fence.  Huh? Of course I had a deer in the headlight look.  So he tells me about the note on his door and how the fence was very makeshift and there's no actual damage, she just knocked down the boards etc.  I'm still confused, thinking maybe this just happened (I left the moment we got home to get some groceries) and told him I would talk to her.

 

Go in to talk to dd, expecting her to say oh yah, it just happened.  Nope.  It happened before we left.  Apparently (according to dd and her excuses) we were in a hurry to leave and she forgot to mention it.  But had to the time to write lengthy note to the neighbor aplogizing and offering to pay for damages.  With what money???  Dd has no money and she knows this.

 

Well, then dh recalls he has seen this fence broken last week.  Oh yeah, dd says....  It was just before we left to go away LAST weekend.  So 10 full days ago.  Oh. my. #*(@#!)(*

 

I'm quite mad about this- that dd wouldn't tell us at all.  It has been an on-going issue around here.  She seems to think she is 11 going on 19 and that she can handle stuff herself.  She has taken many liberties without thinking- starting to bake (in the oven) when I ran out to do a 1/2 hour of errands, and a few other less hazardous things.  I have talked to her before about this issue- her not talking to us and not telling us when things happen breaks our trust in her.  We've discussed how we need to be able to trust her and it is up to her to be open with communication. 

 

She hasn't always been this way but has been very much so in the last year or so. I've posted about her difficulties in math and her "air-head" tendencies (for lack of better term right now, I'm typing fast).  It's like everything she does she does first then *maybe* thinks about it later.  Most things she just does with no thought at all.  

 

Anyways, she has broken things or done things (I really don't keep track as I'm more forgive, forget sort of person) in the last several months and then not told us about it after. I know we've had talks about this but it keeps happening.  I'm realizing that it's no longer isolated incidents but that it's going to keep happening if I don't step in and do something about it.

 

For one, she is never to be out of my sight for the foreseeable future.  I used to leave her home to run errands if I'm gone for 1/2 hour or so.  She is (well at least used to be) quite mature and had a good head on her shoulders.  I do not know what has happened to her sense of judgement.  She has a cell phone to text me for issues and the neighbors live close.  I've also taken away all cell phone and iPad privileges.  She has been downloading books and runs those past me but has been reading stuff off my shelves without asking me- Life of Pi, etc.  I don't have anything "bad" on my shelves but these are adult books (like Life of Pi, not "adult" books ;)) and she knows she is not to read them without asking first.  They are on a high shelf that can only be reached by standing on the back of a couch and reaching.  She claims she found the book down one day on another shelf and thought it would be ok to read.  Sigh.  I think she was lying about this as books do not simply jump off shelves, but that's another issue.

 

I feel like we are some sort of slippery slope with her.  She's a good kid and I know it's normal to test limits but I can't have her trying to solve problems like the fence thing by herself all the time.  I wish I could come up with examples- there have been other things she has broken and tried to fix that didn't end well either.  BUT SHE NEVER TELLS US ABOUT IT.

 

She is supposed to go away to camp later this summer but I'm thinking of maybe not sending her.  Perhaps she needs more supervision and I'm really not trusting her at the moment.  She is more sneaky than I thought she was and it makes me sad.  I'm guessing most of this is fairly normal kid stuff and that most kids test the limits but between her total and complete ADHD-ness and her not telling me things, parenting her is very difficult lately.  It really is like she doesn't think about anything.  She simply can't think anything through.

 

What sort of punishment should she get for this fence thing?  We are having her meet with a psychologist about the lack of thinking and for other assessments as things are really getting out of control with her and escalating.  Since she is my oldest I don't know how much of it is puberty and how much of it is a real medical issue (dh has really bad ADHD but didn't know it until very recently- and it's been a real struggle for him all his life).

 

I'm not happy but I don't want to either over react or under react.  It's hard to get advice from a message board as I'm sure people will fixate on certain parts of this and maybe things will seem worse than they are, if that makes sense.  She's not an especially deceitful child.  I do think most of the issues are she doesn't think things through- consequences etc.  Thinking and problem solving have been real issues for her lately.  She can't seem to solve simple problems, like how to close a bag of chips if the chip clip is missing (use a rubber band, or a twist tie).  She's just lost over simple things if the most obvious solution is not possible.  It's quite baffling as usually I can ask my 9yo and 7yo what to do and they can answer.  Sigh.

 

However, obviously, she is purposely not telling me things for some reason or other.  Usually she tells me she thought she had solved it on her own.   aaaaaaah.   Tell me I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.

[marbel]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

Since she is going to see a psychologist and it's obvious to you that this is part of an alarming pattern, I think I might not punish over the fence thing.  I think I would sit down and talk about all the things that were wrong with what she did:  not saying anything to you, leaving a note on the door when people are away, anything else you can think of.  I think I would do it as a "teachable moment" sort of thing rather than a punishment.

 

I also wonder... and I want to emphasize that I am wondering, not accusing... if there is something in the family culture that makes her feel there is a high value on self-reliance and not asking mom and dad for help.  KWIM? 

 

I am quite sure you are not the only one to go through this.  This particular issue has not come to my house, but I have had plenty of others.   So,  :grouphug:

[saraha]

My 12 year old daughter is going through this too. She just wants to be big. The trying to take care of things herself, and the not telling when she messes up are both common behaviors for her. The reason she doesn't tell us is because she is embarrassed. She sees herself as half grown, even though she is not, and she wants to look like she has it all together. I have given her some big girl responsibilities and priveleges lately, she is number 2 of 6, and that seems to be helping. Also Patience. I keep explaining the same things over and over again.

 

If you hadn't mentioned that your husband has adhd, I would have said the airheadedness is also par for the course at this age.

 

good luck!

[LaxMom]

Well... It sounds like she did the appropriate thing and then checked it off her mental list as pending action by the neighbors when they returned. The way you would if you hit some unknown person's car.

 

Breaking stuff at home and not telling you? That's different. But the fence? She notified the proper party, apologized, and offered restitution. She *did* solve it on her own. The end.

[plain jane]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

 

Since she is going to see a psychologist and it's obvious to you that this is part of an alarming pattern, I think I might not punish over the fence thing.  I think I would sit down and talk about all the things that were wrong with what she did:  not saying anything to you, leaving a note on the door when people are away, anything else you can think of.  I think I would do it as a "teachable moment" sort of thing rather than a punishment.

 

I also wonder... and I want to emphasize that I am wondering, not accusing... if there is something in the family culture that makes her feel there is a high value on self-reliance and not asking mom and dad for help.  KWIM? 

 

I am quite sure you are not the only one to go through this.  This particular issue has not come to my house, but I have had plenty of others.   So,  :grouphug:

 

No, there is not a high value placed on self reliance.  In fact, quite the opposite- I have asked her and asked her to ASK me what to do rather than just do what she thinks she should.  There have been at least 3 things in the last few weeks where she did what she thought she should and didn't ask me and she did the wrong thing.  I tell her we are here to rely on each other and help each other and please just ask.  I don't know why she is like this all of a sudden.  It wasn't always this way.  I take it as her way of testing the waters outside of the nest and testing out her wings, but she is taking independence to a whole new level.

 

The only thing I can think of is either she feels I am already burdened with the health issues of a sibling and doesn't want to be a burden/stress me out with more things (she is very considerate that way and often, meaning a couple times an hour, asks how she can help me out around the house) or she is afraid I will get totally angry.

[bettyandbob]

OK

My response would be to not do very much.

 

She left a note. I can honestly see a kid forgetting she did something like that and not remembering until reminded by the neighbor's return. She should not have offered to pay for anything. I would discuss that with her. And maybe what she could have offered in payment instead (dog walking, lawn care) along with a statement that it would have to be with her parents approval.

 

Books. I would let my 11 year old read adult literature if he or she chose to do so. I would take to the opportunity to discuss questionable material they might encounter in such literature. In fact it could be a somewhat easy way for me to get into uncomfortable topics I probably should have covered already. My only concern about adult literature is that an 11 year might miss some content because of her own immaturity and I would hope the child read the book again later (in high school maybe) to pick up nuances missed. I haven't read Life of Pi. This is just my general feeling toward an 11 year old reading adult lit. 

 

Baking. I was making dinner at 11, while my parents were still at work. I think it's fine for a child that age to use the oven to make brownies, etc. if the child has been taught how to use the oven and has had some good practice. 

 

I may be much looser in rules than some people, but maybe the issue is about control here. Maybe some aspects of life in your home are too tightly controlled. If you don't think so then disregard this post.

 

 

[AK_Mom4]

It's hard to tell, but is this a case of the tighter you hold onto things, the more she tries to take on herself?   Or more of a case that she has confidence in her own abilities - perhaps more confidence than ability?

 

DD12 is a bit of an independent and I can see her doing all the things you describe, including baking when I wasn't home.  Generally I try to encourage it, unless she breaks one of our (fairly reasonable) rules - using the stove when no one else is home or taking things (like my books) without asking permission first. 

 

For us, what works best is to enforce the rules and try to not over-react on the rest.  If you are anything like me, you probably go ballistic when she tells you about this kind of crazy business..... so she just handles it herself.  Sigh..........  Unfortunately I think the start of the fix is on us adults......

[plain jane]

OK

My response would be to not do very much.

 

She left a note. I can honestly see a kid forgetting she did something like that and not remembering until reminded by the neighbor's return. She should not have offered to pay for anything. I would discuss that with her. And maybe what she could have offered in payment instead (dog walking, lawn care) along with a statement that it would have to be with her parents approval.

 

Books. I would let my 11 year old read adult literature if he or she chose to do so. I would take to the opportunity to discuss questionable material they might encounter in such literature. In fact it could be a somewhat easy way for me to get into uncomfortable topics I probably should have covered already. My only concern about adult literature is that an 11 year might miss some content because of her own immaturity and I would hope the child read the book again later (in high school maybe) to pick up nuances missed. I haven't read Life of Pi. This is just my general feeling toward an 11 year old reading adult lit. 

 

Baking. I was making dinner at 11, while my parents were still at work. I think it's fine for a child that age to use the oven to make brownies, etc. if the child has been taught how to use the oven and has had some good practice. 

 

I may be much looser in rules than some people, but maybe the issue is about control here. Maybe some aspects of life in your home are too tightly controlled. If you don't think so then disregard this post.

 

I haven't read Life of Pi either, to be honest.  I dont' even know if she could/should read it.

 

As for baking- I would have appreciated if she had asked first or at least informed me that she would.  My biggest worry is because of her lack of thought lately, that she would panic should a fire start and have no clue what to do.  I don't want that burden to be placed on her.  She has been taught how to use the oven, but again, she has been very air-headed lately.

 

Last week she made her own muffins...  she turned off the "oven" when the timer went off but in reality all she did was turn off the timer.  The oven ran for hours.  Not dangerous, but not what she has been taught.  The time after that, she took the muffins out and didn't turn them into rocks, but placed the muffin tin, fresh out of the oven, right on my wood kitchen table.  Sigh.  Again, not what she has been taught and she admitted she knew better but didn't think of it at the moment.  Hence, my concern with the oven.  I understand your statement about some aspects of my life being too controlled.  That could well be the case... but with 5 kids, most things are not nearly as controlled as I'd like.  ;)  LOL

[Joker]

No, there is not a high value placed on self reliance.  In fact, quite the opposite- I have asked her and asked her to ASK me what to do rather than just do what she thinks she should.

 

Maybe this is the problem? Maybe she's craving a bit more independence.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't be upset about the fence thing if it were one of my dds. She had a reasonable explanation for not telling you right away and she could have just forgot later. She wrote a note and took responsibility. You're upset she didn't come to you right away and so I wonder if she needs a bit more independence.

 

My oldest, at newly turned 13, was left behind while on a class trip to Disney World. She figured out what she needed to do and where to go and I only found out about it way later and from a teacher. She had a cell phone to call me and she could have told me as soon as she came home. She didn't. I wasn't upset, but instead I praised her for her being able to figure it out herself.

[NotSoObvious]

Well, maybe I'm the person who is reading too much into things, but here's my two cents. I have twin girls who are almost 11 and at points in your post, you sound like me, so I want to say this but I also want you to know that, from what you've posted, I really do get where you are coming from.

 

I think you need to back off a bit. She's hitting the air-heady phase, and if she really does have ADHD on top of it, you should probably count your blessings that she's as predictable as she is. ;) She's growing and wanting to be independent and you may need to give her a little more space to do so. Tell her you are disappointed she didn't tell you about the fence, but then move on. It *sounds* like she is afraid to tell/ask you things but it also sounds like you are holding the reigns fairly tight.

 

With the book issue, I wouldn't keep books out in the living room that I didn't want dds to read. If I did, I would explicitly tell them not to touch the books on x shelf. It doesn't really sound, from your description, like she was intentionally trying to be deceitful about the book.

 

So, ignore my comments if you don't agree, that's fine (seriously!). I just know that I am constantly having too learn balance between discipline and giving my girls room to grow. A lot of people on this board have helped me learn how to back off,a nd I'm grateful for that.

 

It sounds like you have a great kid (as evidenced by her note to the neighbor-wow!). Let her make mistakes and give her a little room.

[plain jane]

Maybe this is the problem? Maybe she's craving a bit more independence.

 

Honestly, I wouldn't be upset about the fence thing if it were one of my dds. She had a reasonable explanation for not telling you right away and she could have just forgot later. She wrote a note and took responsibility. You're upset she didn't come to you right away and so I wonder if she needs a bit more independence.

 

My oldest, at newly turned 13, was left behind while on a class trip to Disney World. She figured out what she needed to do and where to go and I only found out about it way later and from a teacher. She had a cell phone to call me and she could have told me as soon as she came home. She didn't. I wasn't upset, but instead I praised her for her being able to figure it out herself.

 

I'm not upset she didn't come to me right away.  Honest.  :)  I'm upset that she didn't mention it at all and it happened 10 days ago.

 

But yes, I am going to re-examine how things are around here and see if I don't let her do enough.  She does have many freedoms and liberties- many that her friends don't.  But yes, in other areas perhaps things are too tight.  I will give this some thought.  Thank you.

[bettyandbob]

No, there is not a high value placed on self reliance.  In fact, quite the opposite- I have asked her and asked her to ASK me what to do rather than just do what she thinks she should.  There have been at least 3 things in the last few weeks where she did what she thought she should and didn't ask me and she did the wrong thing.  I tell her we are here to rely on each other and help each other and please just ask.  I don't know why she is like this all of a sudden.  It wasn't always this way.  I take it as her way of testing the waters outside of the nest and testing out her wings, but she is taking independence to a whole new level.

 

The only thing I can think of is either she feels I am already burdened with the health issues of a sibling and doesn't want to be a burden/stress me out with more things (she is very considerate that way and often, meaning a couple times an hour, asks how she can help me out around the house) or she is afraid I will get totally angry.

 

11 year olds want some opportunity to be self reliant. You may need to find a place where she can be and feel some competence. By taking so much control from her she probably feels incompetent.

 

Sick sibling? Is your home a high stress environment? My home has been at times due to sibling medical needs. It's very, very  hard to be the healthy child. It's very hard to live with someone else's medical issues having a long term priority over family life. I have worked very hard to provide normalcy to my typically developing child because nothing in our home is very normal. As a parent you need make sure your reactions and expectations would be in line with how things might occur in a house without some overarching medical problem. I don't know what kinds of things have been broken, but if a child used to an overblown reaction to everything because the parent is constantly at a tipping point due to other stresses then the child might not say "I dropped a coffee mug this morning". 

 

Again, I don't know enough about what is going on in your home, so what I've said may not apply.

[Renthead Mommy]

She broke the fence.  She aplogied and offered to make it right.  She took care of the situation.  I would have said good job. 

 

As for the rest of it, sorry to say, but you are coming off as sort of a control freak to me.  We talk on here all the time about kids who's parents are calling their college professors, and kids who need mommy to make them a dentist appointment in college and such.   Kids who don't know how to do anything without Mom telling them.  And you are telling her to not make a move without checking with you first it sounds like.  She  is trying to be independent.  I'd embrace that.  And we learn things from mistakes.  Who HASN'T left the stove on? Or set the hot thing down on the wrong spot? Again, that is how we learn to do it right the next time.

[Corraleno]

 

 

 

However, obviously, she is purposely not telling me things for some reason or other.  Usually she tells me she thought she had solved it on her own.   aaaaaaah.   Tell me I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.

 

You are certainly not the only one who has a chid like this, but in all honesty I've never seen anyone else freak out about it to such an extreme level. She sounds like a perfectly nice, if somewhat spacey, 11 year old girl who is looking to become more independent. I have a husband and a son with ADD, both of whom are total space cadets, so I know how annoying it can be when they forget to mention things. My husband frequently forgets to turn the oven off himself! DS will leave the water running and do other spacey things. I don't punish for it though. I think your characterization of your daughter as extremely difficult to parent and needing to see a psychologist in order to deal with this "escalating behavior" is really over the top, and perhaps more of a reflection of parental control issues.

 

 

The only thing I can think of is either she feels I am already burdened with the health issues of a sibling and doesn't want to be a burden/stress me out with more things (she is very considerate that way and often, meaning a couple times an hour, asks how she can help me out around the house) or she is afraid I will get totally angry.

 

I wonder why she would think that?

 

You have posted on this board, at various times, about all of your kids, and your posts are frequently peppered with words like: freaking out, going ballistic, losing my mind, pulling my hair out, at the end of my rope, etc., and yet most of the "issues" you post about are pretty normal kid stuff. Honestly, I think there are some serious control issues going on, and until those are addressed, you will continue to think there is something "wrong" with your kids that needs to be punished or fixed, when in fact they're perfectly normal kids.

 

Jackie

[linders]

Well....I'm actually impressed that she was so quick to leave a detailed note for the neighbor. It would have been much easier to simply slip away and say nothing to anyone. Yes, she didn't really think through the "how would I pay," but she was honest and willing. Rather than view it as lack of thinking, I see great thought there. Reading the books? Meh, she's 11, if it is around, she'll read it. Again, I would be quite pleased that she is careful not to download things without asking. My perspective comes from having DC who are 13 and 10, for what it's worth. And if it is in a public place (a communal bookshelf) they will read it.

[happyWImom]

I don't have any advice, but I am really paying attention to this, because I have an 11yr old dd, and I know that I hold the reins too tight.  And, I know that she really wants to be more independent & wants less of me.  I also know how hard it is, and know that I'm always struggling with what is the "right" thing to do with her.  We love them, we don't want to mess up.  

 

So,  :grouphug: .  And, don't worry, you are good mom!  Breathe & try and let up a little.  (I am going to try to take my own advice)

[Χά�ων]

Sigh.  Need some advice on this one.

 

My 11yo dd broke my neighbor's make-shift "gate".  It is just a bunch of boards and chicken wire held up loosely.  It wasn't well built in the first place (neighbor admitted it) but that is not the issue.  What happened was the cat got out, she went to chase it and went into the neighbor's yard.  The neighbors were gone on holidays or she would have gone and knocked on door and asked first, as she always does.  She is typically very considerate of others and polite.  Well, at some point, she tripped and knocked down the whole "gate" (it is where there should be a gate, but neighbor just put up a few loose boards and chicken wire).  It is the only way into the backyard.

 

Thing is, she never told me or dh about it.  Instead, she wrote the neighbor a note apologizing profusely and offering to pay for the damages and posted it on their door.  And left it at that.  Both dh and myself had noticed the damage to the fence and wondered about it but didn't think much as I wasn't sure if the neighbors were on holidays or not or were working on it.

 

Neighbors got back today (as did we from a weekend away) and he tells me to tell dd not to worry about the fence.  Huh? Of course I had a deer in the headlight look.  So he tells me about the note on his door and how the fence was very makeshift and there's no actual damage, she just knocked down the boards etc.  I'm still confused, thinking maybe this just happened (I left the moment we got home to get some groceries) and told him I would talk to her.

 

Go in to talk to dd, expecting her to say oh yah, it just happened.  Nope.  It happened before we left.  Apparently (according to dd and her excuses) we were in a hurry to leave and she forgot to mention it.  But had to the time to write lengthy note to the neighbor aplogizing and offering to pay for damages.  With what money???  Dd has no money and she knows this.

 

Well, then dh recalls he has seen this fence broken last week.  Oh yeah, dd says....  It was just before we left to go away LAST weekend.  So 10 full days ago.  Oh. my. #*(@#!)(*

 

I'm quite mad about this- that dd wouldn't tell us at all.  It has been an on-going issue around here.  She seems to think she is 11 going on 19 and that she can handle stuff herself.  She has taken many liberties without thinking- starting to bake (in the oven) when I ran out to do a 1/2 hour of errands, and a few other less hazardous things.  I have talked to her before about this issue- her not talking to us and not telling us when things happen breaks our trust in her.  We've discussed how we need to be able to trust her and it is up to her to be open with communication. 

 

She hasn't always been this way but has been very much so in the last year or so. I've posted about her difficulties in math and her "air-head" tendencies (for lack of better term right now, I'm typing fast).  It's like everything she does she does first then *maybe* thinks about it later.  Most things she just does with no thought at all.  

 

Anyways, she has broken things or done things (I really don't keep track as I'm more forgive, forget sort of person) in the last several months and then not told us about it after. I know we've had talks about this but it keeps happening.  I'm realizing that it's no longer isolated incidents but that it's going to keep happening if I don't step in and do something about it.

 

For one, she is never to be out of my sight for the foreseeable future.  I used to leave her home to run errands if I'm gone for 1/2 hour or so.  She is (well at least used to be) quite mature and had a good head on her shoulders.  I do not know what has happened to her sense of judgement.  She has a cell phone to text me for issues and the neighbors live close.  I've also taken away all cell phone and iPad privileges.  She has been downloading books and runs those past me but has been reading stuff off my shelves without asking me- Life of Pi, etc.  I don't have anything "bad" on my shelves but these are adult books (like Life of Pi, not "adult" books ;)) and she knows she is not to read them without asking first.  They are on a high shelf that can only be reached by standing on the back of a couch and reaching.  She claims she found the book down one day on another shelf and thought it would be ok to read.  Sigh.  I think she was lying about this as books do not simply jump off shelves, but that's another issue.

 

I feel like we are some sort of slippery slope with her.  She's a good kid and I know it's normal to test limits but I can't have her trying to solve problems like the fence thing by herself all the time.  I wish I could come up with examples- there have been other things she has broken and tried to fix that didn't end well either.  BUT SHE NEVER TELLS US ABOUT IT.

 

She is supposed to go away to camp later this summer but I'm thinking of maybe not sending her.  Perhaps she needs more supervision and I'm really not trusting her at the moment.  She is more sneaky than I thought she was and it makes me sad.  I'm guessing most of this is fairly normal kid stuff and that most kids test the limits but between her total and complete ADHD-ness and her not telling me things, parenting her is very difficult lately.  It really is like she doesn't think about anything.  She simply can't think anything through.

 

What sort of punishment should she get for this fence thing?  We are having her meet with a psychologist about the lack of thinking and for other assessments as things are really getting out of control with her and escalating.  Since she is my oldest I don't know how much of it is puberty and how much of it is a real medical issue (dh has really bad ADHD but didn't know it until very recently- and it's been a real struggle for him all his life).

 

I'm not happy but I don't want to either over react or under react.  It's hard to get advice from a message board as I'm sure people will fixate on certain parts of this and maybe things will seem worse than they are, if that makes sense.  She's not an especially deceitful child.  I do think most of the issues are she doesn't think things through- consequences etc.  Thinking and problem solving have been real issues for her lately.  She can't seem to solve simple problems, like how to close a bag of chips if the chip clip is missing (use a rubber band, or a twist tie).  She's just lost over simple things if the most obvious solution is not possible.  It's quite baffling as usually I can ask my 9yo and 7yo what to do and they can answer.  Sigh.

 

However, obviously, she is purposely not telling me things for some reason or other.  Usually she tells me she thought she had solved it on her own.   aaaaaaah.   Tell me I'm not the only one who has gone through something like this.

Punishment? None. She did the right thing. It sounds like she is on the right track, I am not sure what the issue is that you feel she needs to seek professional help or be punished.

 

If you feel so strongly that she needs to tell you then sit down with her and tell her how you feel and state that you would want to be kept in the loop if she breaks something so that you can support her while she makes restitution.

[WishboneDawn]

I would congratulate my daughter on how she handled it and then giveher a big hug. Then, almost as if it was an afterthought, I'd tell her to let me know next time. "Let me know next time. I didn't understand what the neighbor was talking about at first so it was a little awkward, okay honey?"

 

All the drama is in the feel good bit. The reminder about telling you is drama free.

 

That because you seem really concerned about this. You might think you're not relating any of that too your daughter but I wonder if she spent pick up on it and avoid telling you things because she wants to concern you. When you focus so much on what you think she's done wrong, especially in a situation she handled so well, you're reinforcing her feeling that you should not be told.

 

She did well. Let her know that and move on.

[Dory]

This might be completely useless information, but I'll add it to the mix of much more experienced moms that have given advice here. I remember when I was a kid feeling like I needed to prove my ability to handle things. Wanting people to treat me less like a kid (even though I was a kid). I'd do things without asking and then not want to say anything after because I was nervous that my mom would see something I missed and pick apart how or what I had done. I loved the feeling of independence. The extremely few times that my mom found out about something and didn't pick it apart, but instead pointed out the good things that I had done, were HUGE confidence boosters and really made it much more likely for me to talk to her about it before and after. I've noticed this with a friend of mine and her teens. Kids mention things, but they mention it, they don't feel like they have to ask permission for everything anymore, but more like they are talking about what they are planning in their day. Afterwards they like talking about it to their parents because they are more likely to have their parents point out the good things they did, and save the picking for when it's really needed, because then their picking will actually have some weight to it.

Sorry if I'm completely mis-reading your posts. Just my two cents.

[City Mouse]

I have to agree with the PPs. I think you may be over reacting a bit.

I thnk she handled the fence thing very well actually. I would be happily and amazed if my kids handled a similar situation so well on their own.

I have had many unfortunate kitchen accidents as a adult and have the scars to prove it. When my DH was in his early 20s and was still living with his mom, he (he says it was her) accidentally left the water running a bit on the kitchen sink one night and flooded the kitchen and three other rooms causing major damage including replacing cabinets and carpeting.

 

By 11 yrs old I would read everything I could get my hands on, and the only books that were off limits were kept in my parents room (and yes, my siblings and I read them anyway. mom just didn't know) my favorite books in the 7th grade were Trixie Belden and Steven King.

 

I say you need to figure out your most pressing concerns and make those the house rules. Such as no cooking when parent is not home. No reading books that are in parents room.

but the more you push the kid to tell you every detail of her life the more she will hide from you.

 

I would much rather have an independent minded 11yr old than the sheltered 11yr old who has never ordered her own meal from McDonalds.

[Flowing Brook]

When I was fourteen I broke a neighbor's window with a ball. To this day I don't think my parents know about it. I offered to pay for it apologized and moved on. I think I just forgot about to tell them. btw When I offered to pay for the neighbor/s window I did not have any money.

 

The stuff you mentioned sounds like kid stuff.  I forget to turn the oven off occasionally. 

 

If it was my dd I would praise her for how she handled the situation with breaking the fence and move on.

[texasmama]

She sounds anxious to me. That is my off the cuff, gut reaction, that this is an anxious kid trying to be "big". Asking if she can help you that often and trying to be more independent while not wanting to share information with you points me to a kid who is feeling pretty anxious.

 

You don't have to answer this, but I wonder what your anxiety level is like. Anxious kids often have an anxious parent.

[fraidycat]

I think you are overreacting and your DD handled the fence issue wonderfully. I can only hope that I've installed the "taking responsibility for your actions" as we'll in my own DC. They still seem to prefer the "blame game".

 

FWIW, my 40 yr. old DH put breadsticks in the oven yesterday, forgot about them, and went out for a jog. They were black by the time I noticed them. :) I am also infamous for forgetting to turn off the oven after using it, usually noticing a couple hours later when I go to the kitchen for something and realize it's warmer than it should be in there.

[LaxMom]

Wait... And she's reading books? Not "banned" books you categorically disapprove of, but books you keep in your own home? How does one even punish for that?

[Joker]

I just wanted to point out that I often get up at night thinking I've left the oven on. I'm usually wrong but not always.

 

I also wanted to let you know that I have clothespins clipped to my pantry shelves, but dds (and dh) only remember to clip them to chip bags about every other time. Sometimes I don't do it either.

 

I wouldn't seek professional help for either of my dds based on anything in the OP.

[goldberry]

DD14 is at the stage where she is taking on more things, and yes, doing them in totally irrational, inappropriate, and sometimes just clueless ways.  I readily admit that lack of control makes me crazy, but I know that I have to let her do some of these things, as it is clear she needs to learn more confidence in handling things.

 

I am focusing on close monitoring to avoid total disaster, and a non-chalant response about "another way" this could have been handled.  We talk about as she gets older she needs to think about the different ways of doing things and how to use good judgment in deciding which way to handle something.  She gets embarassed, but I try to act very casual, and say, you're learning to do things on your own, so you will make some mistakes, it happens, but here is what you need to think of next time.  My goal is to have her see this is a process of learning. 

 

Granted, my DD is a bit older.  But maybe yours is going through a similar process, but just a bit younger.  I might think about setting a few very clear safety boundaries, and then loosening up in the other areas.  Just a thought!

[katilac]

You are over-reacting to the gate incident. She left a signed note for the neighbor - if she was trying to hide what happened, she really needs to work on her covert skills, lol. I don't think it's fair to view this as deceitful or a trust issue.

 

You are over-reacting to the books. Yes, it's disobedient, but reading the books from the high shelf is pretty much a rite of passage. If you don't want kids reading certain books, it would be kind to remove temptation and not store them right in the living room, kwim?

 

Open communication is a great goal to work towards, but expecting her to take the lead is expecting a lot. My 11-yr-old always comes to me with problems and never neglects to tell me about her mistakes . . . said no parent, ever. Again, not ideal, but certainly typical.

 

Using the oven alone, especially if you have a no-cooking-alone rule, would be the biggest issue for me. While I'm fine with kids of that age cooking independently, I myself want an adult home in case of fire, or, more likely, one of them burning themselves.

 

You are over-reacting in a major way if you don't let her go to camp. If you're thinking of safety, well, she is hardly going to be the only space cadet 11-yr-old there, along with lots of kids with actual ADD/ADHD. Any decent camp is going to assume that a lot of campers forgot to pack their common sense. If you're thinking of punishment, that's very harsh for the misbehaviors you are talking about.

 

If you really think she might have ADD, then you need to explore that and treat as needed. It sounds like you are on the right path with assessments, but it would be wise to mostly hang tight and wait for that info, imo.

 

Nothing you say sounds major to me, but I know it is hard to think of examples, and sometimes little things do add up. You note that she used to be very levelheaded but isn't anymore; I can tell you that this is very, very typical. They turn 11 or 12 and I swear their brains fall right out of their ears. They also tend to get very messy even if they were neat before, become unable to perform simple tasks or see what is right in front of them, and cry for no reason. Oh yeah, it's a good time, lol, but you have plenty of company.

 

If you feel you need to keep a closer eye on her in the meanwhile, that's fine, but do it in a matter-of-fact way, not a punitive way. It doesn't have to be this big, fat, we-can't-trust-you kind of deal. Try to get into the mindset of dealing with the practical problem at hand, rather than getting caught up in thinking your dd is sneaky, deceitful, and intentionally hiding all this stuff from you. Again, moderately bright people who want to hide things don't leave signed notes when they could simply walk away with no one the wiser. I would say she was not being intentionally deceitful regarding the gate, which would lead me to think she's not likely trying to deceive you about most of the other stuff. And if she is ADD? Two common traits are impulsiveness and forgetfulness, so there ya go. Of course those things have to be dealt with, ADD or not, but perhaps in a different way, and with the support of learning some coping mechanisms, etc.

[LAS in LA]

Once we asked some Chinese friends about the sign on the wall as one walked out of their kitchen.  It had neatly written characters that looked like poetry or an inspirational saying.  "Oh, it says 'Don't forget to turn off the stove!'"   :)  Seems like a universal problem.

 

I'd have to agree with other posters that your dd sounds stressed.  From your description, it sounds like she wants to make a real contribution to the family and could maybe use some independent job assignments.  And praise for the way she handled the gate situation.

[Elfknitter.#]

No punishment. She craves some independence. Controlling her actions more will make future situations worse. I found her response to the gate responsible. Yes a head's up to you about the gate would have been nice, but she knocked the gate over and was diligent enough to notify the neighbor.

 

Adults forget to use the chip clip. And yet the world goes on.

[Harriet Vane]

Your post seems quite harsh to me. I don't see anything sneaky or deceitful in her actions. It is totally normal for tweens to start feeling more independent and behaving so. Your dd took responsibility for the gate--good for her! Taking camp away from her is an overreaction.

 

[bettyandbob]

I missed the part about taking away camp. If you really are considering this, please don't. In a household which has the strain and imbalance due to a family member with a medical issue, things like camp are essential. Camp is a place where a kid can be a kid. No expectations of added responsibilities or life revolving around therapies or treatments for someone else. So if camp is financially possible please let her go.

[Melissa in Australia]

Well... It sounds like she did the appropriate thing and then checked it off her mental list as pending action by the neighbors when they returned. The way you would if you hit some unknown person's car.

 

Breaking stuff at home and not telling you? That's different. But the fence? She notified the proper party, apologized, and offered restitution. She *did* solve it on her own. The end.

:iagree:

 I fail to see what the problem is. I praise my children for doing things independently. To me that is a sign that I have taught them to be responsible for their actions and they are on their way to becoming independent adults.

[Melissa in Australia]

OK

My response would be to not do very much.

 

She left a note. I can honestly see a kid forgetting she did something like that and not remembering until reminded by the neighbor's return. She should not have offered to pay for anything. I would discuss that with her. And maybe what she could have offered in payment instead (dog walking, lawn care) along with a statement that it would have to be with her parents approval.

 

Books. I would let my 11 year old read adult literature if he or she chose to do so. I would take to the opportunity to discuss questionable material they might encounter in such literature. In fact it could be a somewhat easy way for me to get into uncomfortable topics I probably should have covered already. My only concern about adult literature is that an 11 year might miss some content because of her own immaturity and I would hope the child read the book again later (in high school maybe) to pick up nuances missed. I haven't read Life of Pi. This is just my general feeling toward an 11 year old reading adult lit. 

 

Baking. I was making dinner at 11, while my parents were still at work. I think it's fine for a child that age to use the oven to make brownies, etc. if the child has been taught how to use the oven and has had some good practice. 

 

I may be much looser in rules than some people, but maybe the issue is about control here. Maybe some aspects of life in your home are too tightly controlled. If you don't think so then disregard this post.

:iagree:

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm going to be blunt, but please know I mean it in the best way possible.

 

I think you are wrong.  VERY wrong.  The child needs a little guidance, but NOTHING else, certainly not punishment for doing EXACTLY what an adult should do in the situation.   SHe broke something and took responsibility.  AND she owned up to it when asked.  And it has happened multiple times proving the lesson is sounded down in her heart.  There is no way on earth I'd would punish her!  

 

I'm a completely opposite parent, honestly.  I would have praised my child and asked that next time they told me.  And I'd do that thirty times, if necessary.  I'd praise them for trying which would encourage them to tell me.  But fixing what they do is EXACTLY what I *want* my kids to do!  

 

Really, we're in such a culture of babying children.  The lady I studied the Bible with was in charge of a household of ten kids at your daughter's age!  I had a stroke the year my son was 11 and both my kids ran our home and my home daycare AND got their studies done that year! It was such a blessing that my children got the chance to "step up."  It especially helped me see my son as capable, responsible, helpful, kind, gentle, etc.  It helped him be able to USE all the skills and tools I had spent the previous decade tending to.

 

Now, if you want to make some rules like not using the oven since you're gone 30 minutes not 10 hours, I understand!  But then you convey that rule, not punish her because she took it upon herself to make dessert for the family for that evening*.  Why *would* an 11yo think to ask to do something like that? 

 

That last question is probably my point through all this.  She is ELEVEN, not four. Though she isn't 19 either and it is your home... Independence should be celebrated, not discouraged.  It may need to be reigned in a tad, but probably not much really.  IMO, it is time for you to see your "child" as a developing young woman rather than a little kid. 

 

JMO, of course.  But I think if you helped her navigate her maturity rather than smothered it, you'd get a whole lot further.

 

I do apologize for being so blunt.  Some people are gifted with gentle reasoning.  I am not one of them.  I do work on it; but I wanted my opinion clear also.

 

(* btw, my opinion is the same even if she used part of the materials for supper to make herself a "snack".  The reason is because the positives of the situation outweigh the negatives.  Again, I simply believe she's growing up; and though she'll need some guidance, these responsible and independent things she's doing should be more encouraged rather than discouraged.)

[Pamela H in Texas]

I also wanted to say that my daughter was the biggest air-head at times about some things (though she has a brilliant mind in other ways).  She drove us batty with the crazy ideas and opinions she had.  SOmetimes she still does. However, we finally did medicate for adhd at 16.  If you think that is a possibility, I'd definitely check into it sooner.  One of my littles is on medication and it has made all the difference in the world for ME.  Seriously.  It brought the stress level of the house down to 10% of what it was before medication!  

 

I also want to say that one thing *I* do is grasp for what I *can* control when things feel out of control, whether to a normal degree and even worse when the stress level is high.  I want the house cleaner.  I want my littles to behave perfectly.  I once disrupted foster placement of a little girl because I was freaking out about another very high stress situation!  (note: that turned out beautifully for her so wasn't all bad)

 

I just want to say that sometimes I get very emotional, concerned, angry, and controlling about things because other parts of life are out of control.  I've been there lately.  I'm still reeling about losing my baby.  And now my little three are likely going to a good, but not ideal, situation which means 1) they may not have the ideal care during a critical time and 2) I lose them.  Additionally, my life is NUTS.  We have over 50 appointments each month before the month even starts.  If any of those appointments suggest something else, I have to add that.  If someone gets sick, I have to add that.  Add that we just want to have a life too (park visits, sports, etc).  So I grasp for control where I can.  And I have to fight myself every step of the way. It just isn't reasonable to control EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to a huge degree.  ANd we don't want to stifle our children's growing up, learning, etc because we're stressed.  

[jhschool]

I'm sorry to disagree with you, OP...BUT...

 

I wouldn't punish her at all about the gate.  If she had merely walked away I would,

but she wrote a note of apology without anyone telling her to do that.  This shows me

she is a good kid with a conscience who DOES THE RIGHT THING.

 

She sounds like a reliable, self-reliant kid.  I think most of what you talk about should not

be a problem, even if it irritates you.

 

The only thing that to me is a problem is reading the books she knows she is not supposed to.

I would explicitly give her a list of "do not read" books, not just put them on a shelf.  I can see her

thinking that your rule is "books she can't reach should not be read" so if she can reach them

it's morally OK in her mind.

 

Make specific, explicit rules.  If she goes against them specifically, then maybe give a 

consequence.  But they can't be vague rules like "tell us if something happens."

 

Let her go to camp.  She sounds like she is good and moral and she can take care of herself

better than most kids.

 

Don't make this about trust.  She is not untrustworthy, simple extremely self-reliant.

 

Good luck and God Bless.

[lmrich]

I would not punish her for the fence. She did the right thing. If the neighbor had demanded money or work, would she have done it?

 

Give her more responsibility. She is craving it. She desires independence, whether she or you are really ready for it. Find something for her to be in charge of completely on her own... A garden, a pet (check on it), lunch, laundry. Feed her need and then maybe she will not have to seek to have it filled.

 

The other issues, sneakiness, airhead... Do not seem to correlate with this issue. Take one character issue at a time.

[Pippen]

You are over-reacting to the gate incident. She left a signed note for the neighbor - if she was trying to hide what happened, she really needs to work on her covert skills, lol. I don't think it's fair to view this as deceitful or a trust issue.

 

You are over-reacting to the books. Yes, it's disobedient, but reading the books from the high shelf is pretty much a rite of passage. If you don't want kids reading certain books, it would be kind to remove temptation and not store them right in the living room, kwim?

 

Open communication is a great goal to work towards, but expecting her to take the lead is expecting a lot. My 11-yr-old always comes to me with problems and never neglects to tell me about her mistakes . . . said no parent, ever. Again, not ideal, but certainly typical.

 

Using the oven alone, especially if you have a no-cooking-alone rule, would be the biggest issue for me. While I'm fine with kids of that age cooking independently, I myself want an adult home in case of fire, or, more likely, one of them burning themselves.

 

You are over-reacting in a major way if you don't let her go to camp. If you're thinking of safety, well, she is hardly going to be the only space cadet 11-yr-old there, along with lots of kids with actual ADD/ADHD. Any decent camp is going to assume that a lot of campers forgot to pack their common sense. If you're thinking of punishment, that's very harsh for the misbehaviors you are talking about.

 

If you really think she might have ADD, then you need to explore that and treat as needed. It sounds like you are on the right path with assessments, but it would be wise to mostly hang tight and wait for that info, imo.

 

Nothing you say sounds major to me, but I know it is hard to think of examples, and sometimes little things do add up. You note that she used to be very levelheaded but isn't anymore; I can tell you that this is very, very typical. They turn 11 or 12 and I swear their brains fall right out of their ears. They also tend to get very messy even if they were neat before, become unable to perform simple tasks or see what is right in front of them, and cry for no reason. Oh yeah, it's a good time, lol, but you have plenty of company.

 

If you feel you need to keep a closer eye on her in the meanwhile, that's fine, but do it in a matter-of-fact way, not a punitive way. It doesn't have to be this big, fat, we-can't-trust-you kind of deal. Try to get into the mindset of dealing with the practical problem at hand, rather than getting caught up in thinking your dd is sneaky, deceitful, and intentionally hiding all this stuff from you. Again, moderately bright people who want to hide things don't leave signed notes when they could simply walk away with no one the wiser. I would say she was not being intentionally deceitful regarding the gate, which would lead me to think she's not likely trying to deceive you about most of the other stuff. And if she is ADD? Two common traits are impulsiveness and forgetfulness, so there ya go. Of course those things have to be dealt with, ADD or not, but perhaps in a different way, and with the support of learning some coping mechanisms, etc.

 

 

I very much agree that overreaction is going on here.  I haven't read anything yet about this young girl that demonstrates she's unsafe or more irresponsible than many 11 year olds.   Most of what is going on sounds like an independent child growing up in a highly controlling environment. 

 

My parents divorced when I was ten.  By the time I was 12 I was not only using the stove when home alone, I was babysitting my brothers while my mom worked overnight shifts. Did I make some mistakes?  You bet!  Did I handle situations with neighbors and others?  Whenever needed.  Did I read books I shouldn't have?  Of course--books on shelves are fair game.  And if I discovered books stashed away I would have read those too. 

 

My mom was in a financial situation where she had no choice but to let go and let me grow up.  Your daughter is demonstrating independence and it's hard letting them grow up and watching them handle situations in ways that are different from what we expect. Use those as learning experiences for both of you--often their solutions work out fine in the end, but sometimes talking through their choices is helpful.

[Hikin' Mama]

Honestly, I am very impressed that an 11 yo would claim responsibility for damaging her neighbor's property by leaving a note on their door and offering to pay. Many adults will lie to your face and accept no responsibility for their actions. I think you should applaud her for this! Then I would gently request that she also tell you when things like this happen so that when other people bring it up to you, you aren't caught off guard and clueless as to what they are talking about. I have a child (adult now) who was more difficult to raise than my other two, but it is very apparent to me now that his brain just works differently than mine. He is wired differently than me. This doesn't make him bad, but he needed a lot more redirection. I wish I would have handled many situations in a more positive manner.

 

I obviously don't know your whole situation, but please don't punish her for this. She is 11, which means she has quite a lot of growing up and maturing to do before adulthood. (I still had quite a lot of growing up and maturing to do after I reached adulthood, LOL, and I was a pretty good kid). She needs direction on how to handle life, and her breaking the gate just provided you with an opportunity to give her some.

 

Good luck!

[Alexigail]

I think you've gotten a pretty good lot of responses, but I wanted to add this in case it hasn't been mentioned.  This part of your post really struck me:

 

But had to the time to write lengthy note to the neighbor aplogizing and offering to pay for damages.  With what money???  Dd has no money and she knows this.

 

 

The thing is, if your child causes damage to someone else's property, you ARE financially responsible.  This is true whether you have the money or not.  She wasn't offering to give away your money for something frivolous.  She was accepting responsibility for her mistake.  And if it had come down to it, you would have had to pay regardless.  

 

I mean to say that with the best intentions, which doesn't always translate over the www.  I can see why you may feel discouraged by some of the responses you've gotten.  I do hope that you find some peace with your daughter.  Sometimes seeing beyond the things that you're dealing with day to day is really really hard.  But it does sound like you're raising a thoughtful and ethical child who has some very normal early teen tendencies.  All the best to you both.   

[fairfarmhand]

I get where you are coming from. I had one of those 11 going on 19 kids.  Here's how the conversation would go.

 

"Sweetie, I understand that you felt that you were doing the right thing by leaving a note when the fence was knocked down. And I am so proud of you for doing that. Next time, just let me and dad know so that we can also make sure that Mr. x is not annoyed or anything. That's what parents do. "

 

I have a space cadet 15 yo. I've found the oven/stove left on several times when I was home, and she knows how dangerous that is. Therefore, she understands why I ask that no one use the stove or oven when I am not home. She remembers the many times that she's walked off and left things to be burned to a crisp, and she knows its a matter of safety for the whole family. However, rather than ban your daughter from cooking altogether when you are not there, simply tell her that. "Dear, I appreciate that you wanted to surprise me with a dessert, but next time could you ask first? Moms worry sometimes about kids who are just learning to use the kitchen remembering to safely use it when they are not home. So I promise when you are just a little older you will get this freedom when you've proved your responsibility by doing a, b and c. when I am home."

 

A calm, level-headed talk about how growing and hormones can wreak havoc on the most level headed person, turning them into a total dingbat might be in order. I personally would relate how dingy I get during pregnancy and how I depended on my dh and older kids to help me remember important things. This will set the stage for you assuring her that it's normal during puberty to be forgetful, and you simply want to help her by giving her guidelines about cooking, dealing with problems, etc. Then I would make a real effort to be understanding when she does forget or act airheaded.

 

I would not keep her home from camp.  I have a friend whose preteen boy came home from camp with a COMPLETELY EMPTY SUITCASE. Because he forgot to bring home the entire week's laundry! Believe me, camp staff are totally used to this stuff. I remember my camp counselor reminding all of us to shower, put on deodorant and instructing us that while we were in the shower we were to use soap and wash our bodies. I had a camp counselor do my hair for me each day.  It's okay. Your dd is not out of the bounds of normal.

 

Remember that she is 11. She's not intentionally trying to drive you crazy. She needs gentle guidance. "Oh...sweetie. I really needed the rest of the butter for the muffins for breakfast tomorrow. Next time you decide to cook. please ask so that you will know if I am running low on something and don't have it in mind for another meal." And yes, you will probably have to tell her that multiple times.

 

You may need to apologize for overreacting. I've had to do it many many times.

[MomatHWTK]

I have a child who I am certain has ADHD and a fabulous imagination.  He will do great things some day, if he doesn't blow himself up in some wild experiment first.  Rather than trying to get him to remember step by step the "No"s in life, I try to help him stop and think. 

 

He simply cannot remember to ask permission for every little thing and he will make mistakes.  He is the child he is and I am his parent.  I do train up my children and we do have rules. But- I firmly believe it is my job to parent the children I've been given not try to transform them into the children I wish they were. If I know that he has a bad habit of wanting to do something and forgetting some of the steps- I will leave a ntoe, or we will practice, or I will go ahead and let him do the act as long as he makes super effort to remember that one important step.  And, when he forgets, I try to laugh knowing that he is who he is. 

 

I would be terribly impressed if one of my children had the mind to write a detailed note, apologize and offer to make reparations without my help.  How wonderful!  That the child then forgot is no surprise at all.  My poor DH can be coming to tell me something and if a butterfly goes past (family joke- similar to "Squirrel!") he will forget to tell me.  He also frequently forgets information I have just given him.  He is great at his job that requires razor sharp turns in attention and tracking multiple factors at once though.  :)

 

People come in all shapes and sizes.  What I have learned is that even though these little people came from me- they are definitely each their own unique person.  They aren't going to become someone else just because I wish it. 

 

I don't want to turn my little square pegs into round ones.  I  just want them to survive to adulthood. ;)

 

ETA:  One thing I have done is to add a "mindfulness" curricula to our schooling.  The one I am currently using is "Mind-Up."  The program is designed to teach children calming exercises and to employ their pre-frontal cortex more effectively.  ADHD is very complicated and involves a lot of issues that most people never even think of-unless they have experienced themselves.  It is very easy for an ADHD person to lose self-esteem because they really can't help who they are and everyone is always correcting them for what their brain is telling them to do.  I have to be very cautious of that here- hence why I am trying to learn to laugh about the quirks rather than pull my hair out in frustration.  My little hyperbots thrive when I remember to love them and their wild little brains. 

 

 

[Mom-ninja.]

Um, I'd be proud for having a kid that was responsible enough to leave a note and take responsibility for her actions. We *want* kids to become self thinkers and try to solve their own problems. That is a good thing.

 

I'm not sure what you are upset about.

[whitestavern]

I have a child who I am certain has ADHD and a fabulous imagination. He will do great things some day, if he doesn't blow himself up in some wild experiment first. Rather than trying to get him to remember step by step the "No"s in life, I try to help him stop and think.

 

He simply cannot remember to ask permission for every little thing and he will make mistakes. He is the child he is and I am his parent. I do train up my children and we do have rules. But- I firmly believe it is my job to parent the children I've been given not try to transform them into the children I wish they were. If I know that he has a bad habit of wanting to do something and forgetting some of the steps- I will leave a ntoe, or we will practice, or I will go ahead and let him do the act as long as he makes super effort to remember that one important step. And, when he forgets, I try to laugh knowing that he is who he is.

 

I would be terribly impressed if one of my children had the mind to write a detailed note, apologize and offer to make reparations without my help. How wonderful! That the child then forgot is no surprise at all. My poor DH can be coming to tell me something and if a butterfly goes past (family joke- similar to "Squirrel!") he will forget to tell me. He also frequently forgets information I have just given him. He is great at his job that requires razor sharp turns in attention and tracking multiple factors at once though. :)

 

People come in all shapes and sizes. What I have learned is that even though these little people came from me- they are definitely each their own unique person. They aren't going to become someone else just because I wish it.

 

I don't want to turn my little square pegs into round ones. I just want them to survive to adulthood. ;)

 

ETA: One thing I have done is to add a "mindfulness" curricula to our schooling. The one I am currently using is "Mind-Up." The program is designed to teach children calming exercises and to employ their pre-frontal cortex more effectively. ADHD is very complicated and involves a lot of issues that most people never even think of-unless they have experienced themselves. It is very easy for an ADHD person to lose self-esteem because they really can't help who they are and everyone is always correcting them for what their brain is telling them to do. I have to be very cautious of that here- hence why I am trying to learn to laugh about the quirks rather than pull my hair out in frustration. My little hyperbots thrive when I remember to love them and their wild little brains.

OT, but thank you for this post. I have one just like this and I need a reminder every once in a while that even though he often frustrates me, he's an awesome boy, and the way I respond and interact with him can go a long way towards helping reduce that frustration.

 

And thank you for the mindfulness curriculum. Off to check it out.

[momto3innc]

While my kids are a little younger, I used to teach middle school for years.  This is totally, utterly normal.  I would say she is doing better than many!  It's a tough age of wanting to me more independent (which they should!!) and parents struggling to let them happen appropriately and safely.

 

I think what she did for the neighbor is great.  She sounds like a great kid.  I would not take away camp.  At least from what you listed, I don't see the need for that or for professional help. You know her best however.

 

I would find ways for her to be independent and PRAISE her like crazy for the parts of them she does right.  Also have a calm chit chat about things that could be better next time.  The calmer it is, the more praise for what she does right, and the more likely she will be to come to you.  It is highly unlikely she will do everything right as she learns this.  I sure don't.  And I am a lot older than 11.  Heck, yesterday, I forgot about veggies in the oven, got them out just in time, and then forgot to turn off the oven for another 2 hours. 

[Slipper]

My daughter once broke an item belonging to her grandmother (my mother). She didn't tell me, but as soon as my mother returned from vacation, she immediately went over, admitted breaking the item and offering to pay for it. My mother brought it up with me and I was annoyed. My daughter did everything correctly, but she didn't tell me. I didn't like it then, I wouldn't like it now. I don't need to know about every mess up, but I need to know the ones that involve me in any way.

 

I understand your frustration. If you had known, you and your husband might have been able to actually fix the fence before the neighbors returned (fixing the fence by means of propping it back up and stabilizing it until you spoke to the neighbors) rather than being blind-sided. Your daughter did a wonderful job in admitting responsibility and you should be proud of her. She just left out the 'heads up' part for you.

 

I think it's just the age. I also have a household where another child receives the lion's share of attention for medical issues. My middle daughter (the one who broke her grandmother's belongings), wants to be responsible and wants to help. I think it's possible that your daughter feels similarly.

 

If she wants to cook so badly, let her cook. I do believe the oven is safe at that age as long as she knows what to do in case of an emergency. Honestly, I'd teach her how to cook simple meals and put her in charge of dinner a few times a week.

 

We finally quit buying more than one bag of chips or cookies at a time because chip clips and baggies elude everyone. The mice eat like kings in our pantry. With one bag of chips, the waste isn't as bad and I can spot it quickly if they forget to clip it. I've put my daughter in charge of the pantry for a couple of weeks at a time to organize so she could see how much stuff needs to be stored properly to avoid waste.

 

I read somewhere (possibly here) that if kids start acting out, give them more responsibility (not in a punishment sense, but in a genuine effort to recognize their efforts). My youngest (who is 8 years old) gives our oldest (who is disabled) a bath every other night (I alternate the other nights). It helps her feel secure in our family and that she's needed and appreciated. She enjoys being able to contribute. I bet your daughter would appreciate being able to contribute as well.

 

She's getting older and soon will need to know these things for herself. I think you would be delighted at what she is capable of doing. One last thing, please don't take away her camp. For my middle daughter, her week at camp each summer is the highlight of her year. It teaches independence, and also gives us the opportunity to have alone time as I drive her, plus it's a chance for her to fully enjoy herself.

 

All the best to you both :)

[LibraryLover]

She sounds  like a pretty typical dreamy 11 year old girl to me. :) 

 

 

I am assuming she is your oldest?  The pressure on an oldest child to be mature beyond years can be a curse.

[Tammyla]

She sounds like a pre-teen to me, and her actions are typical of almost anyone navigating the hormones.  (If I did anything, it would be making her fix the gate.)

 

If it were me, I'd give her a break, no punishment and just keep a closer eye on things. 

 

Now as a mom of two older teens, please know it is going to get worse.  The air head/fog is par for the course; as a parent we just do our best to love and teach them through it.  The good news is, they do regain use of the brains again, but it doesn't happen overnight.  I think this is your oldest and many moms expect so much more of them than their younger siblings; you will be a lot more experienced as the others enter the pre-teen and teen years. 

[LucyStoner]

I think you are seeing ordinary mistakes and accidents which are part and parcel with being both 11 and human as a sign of a problem that may not really be there.

 

Forgetting to close a chip bag? Burning muffins? Tripping over a ramshackle gate? These are not signs of a character flaw. I let the sink run over recently (flooded the entire kitchen), burned the dinner casserole I was making last week and I spilled my coffee this morning. You wouldn't expect me to seek psychological evaluation for this. You'd expect me to get out a wet vac, heat up something else and wipe up the coffee and pour another cup. She's 11 and learning how to deal with the ordinary oops moments in life. It sounds like she is doing an awesome job all things considered.

 

Eta- fwiw, I am not an airhead. I put myself through college in the honors program to boot and have successfully completed challenging continuing education while both running a non-profit and being a mom. Labeling her ordinary life bumps and scrapes as being an airhead could really backfire in the long run, either straining your relationship to the breaking point and/or becoming a self fulfilling prophecy.

[MomatHWTK]

I am very sorry for all the mishaps you ladies have had to fix, but they are making me laugh.  :laugh:

 

I will share that I once tossed a dishtowel onto a hot stovetop and didn't realize it until the smoke started. I also left an entire container of ice cream out on the counter and it melted everywhere- a brand new full box of ice cream. Yuck! I drive over curbs often too- once when I was in my 20's I dented a rim.  :blush5: