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how do you solve the issue? My husband and I are at a total inpass on an issue. It is not a HUGE life or death issue, a move or anything like that. We just both have VERY strong opinions and our opinions are opposite. He wants me to do something that I sincerely don't want to do and honestly believe I am incapable of doing. How do other couples solve such situations?

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That's hard. It depends on your values, who is affected (just you? just him? children, too?), and what will happen if you refuse. Without having some idea of what it is, my first instinct is usually to tell him that if he wants it done, he should go ahead and do it himself. :tongue_smilie:

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Yeah, if it's *you* who are supposed to do this thing, then my knee-jerk reaction is to say that you should win. But without knowing more...

 

In general, dh and I talk things through and try to let the little things all go. But we're also lucky that we're in sync about most stuff, so there's that.

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We tend to go at these things from a variety of angles, and often one of them is successful. Here are some options:

 

- decide to not decide yet, or even very soon. Allow time for people to mull, pray (if you do), and calm down (if needed). Think in terms of mulling for a month or more. Find peace in making no changes until that time, so that the stress level decreases -- unless there is some reason to hurry the process. Be verbal about 'we haven't decided yet' especially since making no changes in this case is you getting 'your way' at least for now.

 

- Determine who has the stronger feelings. Is anyone going to be deeply wounded, frightened, forced to go against a real conviction of consience, or personally invalidated if the decision is not 'their way'? If so, that matters a lot, and it should matter to both of you. If feelings are not at that level, still compare 'predicted levels of distress' and focus in loving sympathy on the other one.

 

- Seek compromise by asking "exactly" what is bothering each other and looking for small alterations to the possibilities to ease those particular pinpoints.

 

- Determine who, generally, is primarily responsible for 'this sort of thing' in your life. Who works most closely with the things under discussion? Who would have to actually *do* whatever you two decide. Generally, its best if the one who is going to do something has primary input on how it is going to be done.

 

- Good boundaries means that "I decide for me and you decide for you." If you truly can't agree then it comes down to who gets to hold ground (because the decision involves something they have the simple right to refuse to do) and who is stuck with the role of possibly continuing to try to make a case to get the other to agree. This can be tense, so it should only be attempted with the utmost respect and deep warmpth and sympathy.

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Forcing you to do something against your will is not a simple argument. There are laws against that.

 

:iagree: I realize in this instance "forcing" is a bit strong, but I think it was used to get a point across.

 

There are no laws against *wanting* someone to do something the sincerely don't want to do, and talking about it. "Forcing" is an entirely different issue.

 

Yes, but she shouldn't feel "bullied" into it either.

 

OP- If you feel that strongly, then just say no! He wants YOU to do something that YOU are not comfortable with. The decision is up to YOU, not anyone else. He can disagree all he wants, and then go do it himself if he wants to.

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Sometimes it's not a matter of compromise. Sometimes there is one winner and one loser. And sometimes we just need to get over it whether we win or lose. I have no idea what this something is for you but my first thought is that you should never, ever be forced to do something you don't want to do. I'm having a difficult time thinking of many situations where one would be forced to do something and everyone involved are winners. If this isn't something that will affect another person or your marriage if you say no, he should let this go. Both DH and I have had moments where we slapped out refuse to do something and disappointed the other one, but oh well! We've always gotten over it eventually.

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There are no laws against *wanting* someone to do something the sincerely don't want to do, and talking about it. "Forcing" is an entirely different issue.

 

And yet, in various other threads, all manner of prompts for or homemade versions of vasectomies have been proposed...;)

 

If it's something one person is supposed to do, I have a hard time giving another person more say than the affected person. If he, say, wants you to become a lifetime member of the Cactus Club, and you think it's dumb and are morally opposed to plants that don't drink much, then he could join, and then there would be a Cactus Club member in the house. If he wants you to teach science using My Pals Are Here, and you are settled on BFSU, then I still think you get the say, because it's you. If he wants you to dye your hair gray and cut it into a 'do that will make you look 20 years older, I think you should go with your gut and decline.

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Yeah, if it's *you* who are supposed to do this thing, then my knee-jerk reaction is to say that you should win. But without knowing more...

 

In general, dh and I talk things through and try to let the little things all go. But we're also lucky that we're in sync about most stuff, so there's that.

 

This.

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Yeah, if it's *you* who are supposed to do this thing, then my knee-jerk reaction is to say that you should win. But without knowing more...

 

In general, dh and I talk things through and try to let the little things all go. But we're also lucky that we're in sync about most stuff, so there's that.

 

:iagree:

 

Forcing you to do something against your will is not a simple argument. There are laws against that.

 

:iagree:

 

Generally when we are at an impasse the person who the decision is going to impact the most gets the final say. Which means if we were arguing which Washer and Dryer we want, DH would get the final say, he does most of the laundry if he wants the washer with xyz feature because it makes his life easier, then he gets it. If we were arguing over which English book to use for the children I would get the final say, I feel I can teach abc better then def, so even if def looks like the better program to him since I'm teaching it we go with abc.

 

If we were discussing if I can run a marathon or not. Even if he thought that with some work and effort I would be able to run the 26 miles, I would still have the final say and likely say no, no matter if he thought I can do it or not. If we were discussing cutting DH's hair, even if I think it should be cut short, it is his hair so if he only wants to cut 10 inches off so it can still be in a ponytail then he gets the final say.

 

Really whoever it impacts the most gets the final choice in our world. It is very rare that something impacts both of us equally.

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how do you solve the issue? My husband and I are at a total inpass on an issue. It is not a HUGE life or death issue, a move or anything like that. We just both have VERY strong opinions and our opinions are opposite. He wants me to do something that I sincerely don't want to do and honestly believe I am incapable of doing. How do other couples solve such situations?

 

It sounds like whatever it is affects you directly, so you win.

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If my dh wants me to do something I don't feel I can do and am also opposed to doing, then I'd tell him exactly that.

 

If my dh could not accept that, then THAT problem is way bigger than anything we might be at an impass over. It would have to big, no ginormous!

 

Because anything smaller just isn't important enough for either of us to feel that strongly about.

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My best friend and her husband have an on going battle over her not wanting to do (and still refuses to do) something she told him before they were married that she would never do. He brings it up all the time, sulks, pressures, and gives her the silent treatment over it. :glare: That is not a healthy relationship IMO, and certainly not the spirit in which that thing should be done. (I don't know if this is the same situation the OP is in, but it kind of sounded like it.)

 

I am sorry, I don't have any helpful advice to give you. If its about YOU doing something, YOU should choose, and he should respect you enough to let you make that decision.

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We tend to go at these things from a variety of angles, and often one of them is successful. Here are some options:

 

- decide to not decide yet, or even very soon. Allow time for people to mull, pray (if you do), and calm down (if needed). Think in terms of mulling for a month or more. Find peace in making no changes until that time, so that the stress level decreases -- unless there is some reason to hurry the process. Be verbal about 'we haven't decided yet' especially since making no changes in this case is you getting 'your way' at least for now.

 

- Determine who has the stronger feelings. Is anyone going to be deeply wounded, frightened, forced to go against a real conviction of consience, or personally invalidated if the decision is not 'their way'? If so, that matters a lot, and it should matter to both of you. If feelings are not at that level, still compare 'predicted levels of distress' and focus in loving sympathy on the other one.

 

- Seek compromise by asking "exactly" what is bothering each other and looking for small alterations to the possibilities to ease those particular pinpoints.

 

- Determine who, generally, is primarily responsible for 'this sort of thing' in your life. Who works most closely with the things under discussion? Who would have to actually *do* whatever you two decide. Generally, its best if the one who is going to do something has primary input on how it is going to be done.

 

- Good boundaries means that "I decide for me and you decide for you." If you truly can't agree then it comes down to who gets to hold ground (because the decision involves something they have the simple right to refuse to do) and who is stuck with the role of possibly continuing to try to make a case to get the other to agree. This can be tense, so it should only be attempted with the utmost respect and deep warmpth and sympathy.

 

 

 

:iagree: I can't think of anything that we have come up against that could not be settled out by the above type methods.

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I think there is a difference between not wanting to do something, and not thinking it is a positive thing to be done. I nag my husband to do things he doesn't want to do often, but he knows it should be done. I think it bothers him, so he pretty much never asks me to do anything I wouldn't want to do in the first place.

 

If I don't want to do something, but I don't have much reason to say no other than I just dislike it, but I can see the benefit, I will sometimes make myself do it.

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Well, we don't typically make the other do things. Especially if it's something we don't feel capable of doing.

 

I would love to save money by having DH re-roof our home. I'm sure he could do it. But, if he thinks he can't, or just doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to do it.

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My best friend and her husband have an on going battle over her not wanting to do (and still refuses to do) something she told him before they were married that she would never do.

This always strikes me as so sad -- when the facts were known before marriage and yet one party still counts on the other having a change of heart.

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The general rule in our family is that whomever feels the strongest about the matter at hand wins however no one ever gets to force/coerce/bully someone into doing something they don't want to do, period. If it is something he can do himself and he feels so strongly about it, he should do it himself. If not then he needs to understand that you cannot make people do something that they do not want to do.

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In our family, the one who is uncomfortable with something wins. Always. An example right off the top of my head has been house-hunting. DH has liked a few I have been uncomfy about, and vice-versa. We are still looking, and probably will be for a while. :)

I think it's a matter of mutual respect that if one of the two of us just can't commit to something, the other respects that and we move on. It has kept us from a lot of heartache, I think.

:)

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In general the person who feels the strongest or would be effected the most would decide. Or if we can we’d let it sit until the situation became clearer/one of us was more ready to compromise.

 

:iagree:This is pretty much how we roll. Thankfully, it doesn't happen often.

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My husband can't make me do anything I don't want to, so it would be up to him to get the heck over himself. ;)

 

If my dh wants me to do something I don't feel I can do and am also opposed to doing, then I'd tell him exactly that.

 

If my dh could not accept that, then THAT problem is way bigger than anything we might be at an impass over. It would have to big, no ginormous!

 

Because anything smaller just isn't important enough for either of us to feel that strongly about.

 

These. Generally, the decision goes to s/he who is affected or has the stronger opinion, but nobody - NOBODY - has the authority to sulk, harrass, badger or bully anyone else into doing something s/he does not feel comfortable doing, no matter where the discomfort originates (physical, ethical, whatever).

 

That would turn into the larger disagreement very quickly here.

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Generally only one of us really really cares about an issue and in that case, the one who cares the most wins unless it affects the other person more.

 

Dh really really wants to get a 2nd puppy. I mean he REALLY wants a 2nd puppy. We just got our puppy 3 weeks ago. I'm the one who is taking care of the puppy 75% of the time, another 20-23% is split between the girls, and the last 2-5% is the time my dh spends with the puppy, so he doesn't get to choose to bring home another puppy even though he really wants another one.

 

I am ok with him bringing home another puppy next summer when I am less busy and our current puppy is fully trained and can actually help to train the new one. He is the one who insisted that our puppy had to be less than 3 months old. The girls and I would have preferred to get a puppy at least 6 months old, but we bowed to his wishes on that part because it was so important to him even though we knew that we would bear the brunt of that decision. We knew that in 3 more months she would be the age we would have preferred to start at. We do love our puppy and she is fully house-trained now, but somebody has to have eyes on her 24/7 unless she is in her crate and that person is rarely my dh. And in all fairness, he is only home for about 4 hours of her out-of-crate time each day while some combination of the rest of us is here for her entire 16 hours out of crate.

Edited by AngieW in Texas
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Well, we try as hard as we can to come up with a compromise.

 

Dh wanted to move to NC. I agreed to move for 2 years provided I had the right to say we had to move back if I hated it and 2 years had passed.

 

I didn't want to quit my job and homeschool, even though dh wanted me to. We both went to part time (2/3 time each) and homeschooled that way for 3 years.

 

I can't think of anything I refused to do or that he refused to do.

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Well, my dh wanted me to quit home schooling and work full time at one point and I refused. I said I would put the kids back in school but until he owned 1/2 of the housework I would not work myself into an early grave so he could buy toys. He lived, and I work quite a bit but at a job I like and want to go to, not the one he would have picked.

 

I wanted dh to get a vasectomy, and he wouldn't and eventually he decided to move on in life and get it, but I couldn't MAKE him just like he couldn't MAKE me, lol.

 

I think if your dh wants YOU to do something that you really don't want to do he should figure out how to do it himself, or quit bugging you;). But that aside my dh and I have found compromises most of the time.

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I have no idea what this is about, but if you'd said that your dh wants the two of you to do something, I might feel differently, but it sounds like he wants you to do something you don't want to do and he's being pretty darned insistent about it, and I think there's a very simple answer to that.

 

Here's what you do:

 

You say, "You can't tell me what to do," and then your dh can learn to deal with it.

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i didn't read the question but i don't need to: my wife is always right.

 

did i mention i've been happily married over 40 years?

 

I like the way you think!! Happy wife, happy life, right?!:D

 

 

Without knowing the specifics, I can't really tell you what I would do. But if it is something that is going to affect you much more than him, you should be able to decide. I'm not sure if it is the type of thing where you can compromise...? I hope you get it figured out!

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We both operate on the say yes as much as possible rule with each other. He wants to go to a restaurant I dislike, I am going to say yes to be generous. I want him to stop taking so many swing shifts on trade and he is going to say yes, because saying yes to me is more important than always saying yes to his coworkers needing a favor. But then conversely we recognize when the other says no, they really need to say no and let it drop. I don't expect him to do anything he feels he can't do/really would hate to do or vice versa. I am not going to sign up to do the Seattle to Portland bike ride in one day. I just won't. He can do it in 1 day on his own or I will sign up for 2 days with him. Nor will I do the New Years say polar bear run in the freezing cold lake. But I do go and cheer him on, with a thermos in hand to warm him up. I also won't see certain movies or have his brother stay here. He won't spend a lot of extra time with my brother (we both have brothers only a blood sibling could love!) or accompany me to political events that make him doze off. It's all good.

 

On big stuff, like moves and financial decision like how much we each work, he often has the best idea and I feel reassured to know that he can parse those things so well. But we generally decide together. He really wanted me to quit my old job. I stayed 3 financial cycles and left, but I didn't want to rip up my résumé by quitting too soon.

Edited by kijipt
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how do you solve the issue? My husband and I are at a total inpass on an issue. It is not a HUGE life or death issue, a move or anything like that. We just both have VERY strong opinions and our opinions are opposite. He wants me to do something that I sincerely don't want to do and honestly believe I am incapable of doing. How do other couples solve such situations?

 

It depends. In your case, I just simply would not do it.

 

Other times, I might compromise. Do something that I don't want to, just to keep the peace.

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Forcing you to do something against your will is not a simple argument. There are laws against that.

 

Right. My husband would never want me to do something that I absolutely could not do.

 

The one who feels the strongest about it and is most affected wins.

 

If you gave us some idea of what it involved it might be helpful, as there may be compromises you hadn't considered. But some things you cannot compromise and that is totally understandable.

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i didn't mean to be flippant, my wife really IS always right, in spite of my many fruitless attempts to show otherwise!

 

Exactly. Only a highly intelligent, evolved man (and if a Christian, one who truly understands the whole "helpmeet" and "servant leadership" business) understands this divine truth.;)

Edited by TranquilMind
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i didn't read the question but i don't need to: my wife is always right.

 

did i mention i've been happily married over 40 years?

 

You are a very smart man.:lol:

 

 

 

Bless you dh's heart. Dh and I have a 100%/100% marriage. we both give our all. I do not insist upon him doing things he does not want to do, and he does the same for me. I'm not his momma, and he's not my father. If he seriously wanted me to get up at 4:20am every morning to fix his lunch, knowing very well I am not even kinda a morning person, I would bless his poor dumb heart. I would try to fix leftovers for him the night before. Of course, dh is a realistic, smart man and would never ask that of me.

 

You are not his maid or his momma. You are his life partner.

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If one of us feels very strongly about something and the other not so much, then the one with the strong opinion trumps. If both feel strongly, then the one whose opinion requires the least change, wins.

 

For example, if one person very much wants to move, and the other very much does not, then we'd go with the one who does not (at least for now).

 

The exception to that rule would be if one person is really suffering, and so one person's wishes become necessary. For example, if someone disliked their job so much that it was causing them stress and unhappiness, and that person was offered a good job in another city, then we'd probably go with the move even though the other person really did not want to move.

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It depends on the situation. If it affects one person significantly more than the other, that person wins. Whether it's the doing that affects one more, or the outcome.

 

If it is not a cut and dry, falls more on one person kind of thing, then it's whoever feels strongest on the issue. I honestly can't think of any instances at the moment where we've had to truly fall back on this, though. It's our "rule", but generally when one of us feels so strongly on something that they would be the one to "win", the other stops to think on it more and ends up coming around to the same side. Homeschooling was actually our first big instance of this. But I started in on him early, before we were even planning on getting pg. So though he initially said he would trust me because of how strongly I felt about it, he came to be 100% on board with it long before it really mattered.

 

Our other rule is the "two yeses". If it's something we have to actively do or set in motion, it takes a yes from both of us. One no and one yes is no. The only instance of us following this one that I can think of right now is waiting to have kids. I was ready 2 years before DH, but we waited for 2 yeses. (okay, technically we waited for only one yes, from an outside, inanimate source, but we were intending to wait for two yeses. ;) And we waited for 2 yeses the second time around!)

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