If you have (or had) a good relationship with your Mom

[Jean in Newcastle]

What did you or she do to contribute to the good relationship, whether it is consciously or not. What does your good relationship look like? - esp. emotionally?

[littlebug42]

I have a good relationship with my Mom now. It was pretty adversarial when I was younger but I went away to college (1200 miles away) and it got much better over that time. We now live 10 minutes from each other and we talk daily. It is a give-take friend relationship more than anything now. We go to each other for advice, conversation, shopping, etc. There are a couple of things from my childhood that she feels tremendous guilt over, although honestly she shouldn't, so I do try to avoid those topics with her. It is not a hardship to do so though.

[Mergath]

Well, moving away from home was the first step, lol. :tongue_smilie: I love my mom dearly and she's my best friend, but we do things very, very differently within our households, and living in different houses has been extremely beneficial for our ability to get along.

 

Other than that, we just support each other, talk on the phone every few days, and visit frequently. We do argue about things that we disagree about, like religion, but we keep the arguing good-natured, and never hold a grudge about anything. I think that's big- if we do have a, er, heated discussion, it's sort of an unspoken rule that once we hang up the phone, it's done and forgotten.

 

She is happy to give advice when I ask, but she completely respects my authority as my dd's parent. She loves dd to pieces, and is a wonderful grandmother. She's totally supportive of homeschooling, and is my biggest cheerleader in that regard, and constantly tells me that if I need help financially with getting any hsing supplies, to let her know.

 

One of the things that really helped, too, was me having dd. I don't think I even came close to realizing how much my mom loved me until I had my own child, and then it was like a lightbulb coming on. I suddenly realized how easily I could hurt her with careless words or actions, and since then I've made every effort to not do or say anything hurtful, and to tell her I love her each and every time I talk to her. That's helped a lot, too. And it wasn't as if before I was a total jerk, but I just didn't think sometimes.

 

That's all I can think of now. Hope that answered your question.

[Denisemomof4]

What did you or she do to contribute to the good relationship, whether it is consciously or not. What does your good relationship look like? - esp. emotionally?

 

well that is a loaded question! And one too serious to post word for word. :001_smile:

 

What did I contribute? I had to let all my pain go. That meant letting go that my mother was never a mother to me. I had to do this to become a true mother to my oldest. It was an EXTREMELY painful experience to see all that I was trying to do for ds, which was everything I never had. Then it was getting over the anger that my mother never cared enough for me to put any effort into mothering/nurturing me. Then it was purposing to be a good mom in spite of all my pain. Once I could do all of that, I worked on my longing desire to be in a relationship with my mom. The first step to doing so was excepting her right as she was. It was painful and sometimes I was SO angry that I had to put all that work and effort into gaining a relationship with a mother that never truly showed love to me as a child. It took years, prayer, and a TON of tears.

 

Then the heavens opened up and a beautiful relationship blossomed into something I never dreamed I could have. I was more of the nurturer/parent. I never ended up getting that from my mom. But then when she had her sharp decline, it was excruciating to see, and I was there for her all the way to the end. I think you know the rest.

 

I miss her SO much. :crying:

[DawnM]

subbing. I would love to know too.....my mother has all sorts of issues and we aren't very close.

[parias1126]

subbing. I would love to know too.....my mother has all sorts of issues and we aren't very close.

Exactly THIS! :lurk5:

[Mommyfaithe]

well that is a loaded question! And one too serious to post word for word. :001_smile:

 

What did I contribute? I had to let all my pain go. That meant letting go that my mother was never a mother to me. I had to do this to become a true mother to my oldest. It was an EXTREMELY painful experience to see all that I was trying to do for ds, which was everything I never had. Then it was getting over the anger that my mother never cared enough for me to put any effort into mothering/nurturing me. Then it was purposing to be a good mom in spite of all my pain. Once I could do all of that, I worked on my longing desire to be in a relationship with my mom. The first step to doing so was excepting her right as she was. It was painful and sometimes I was SO angry that I had to put all that work and effort into gaining a relationship with a mother that never truly showed love to me as a child. It took years, prayer, and a TON of tears.

 

Then the heavens opened up and a beautiful relationship blossomed into something I never dreamed I could have. I was more of the nurturer/parent. I never ended up getting that from my mom. But then when she had her sharp decline, it was excruciating to see, and I was there for her all the way to the end. I think you know the rest.

 

I miss her SO much. :crying:

 

This is my story too. I worked hard to let go of my hurt...and loved her as a friend. She was a terrible parent, but a fun friend. I was with her until her last breath. I am still reeling from it all. She was not easy...but in her own way, she loved me and depended on me. When I gave up wishing her to be someone she wasn't, and just accepted her for who she was....things got better.

Faithe

[Denisemomof4]

This is my story too. I worked hard to let go of my hurt...and loved her as a friend. She was a terrible parent, but a fun friend. I was with her until her last breath. I am still reeling from it all. She was not easy...but in her own way, she loved me and depended on me. When I gave up wishing her to be someone she wasn't, and just accepted her for who she was....things got better.

Faithe

 

absolutely. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[UnsinkableKristen]

Well, moving away from home was the first step, lol. :tongue_smilie: I love my mom dearly and she's my best friend, but we do things very, very differently within our households, and living in different houses has been extremely beneficial for our ability to get along.

 

Other than that, we just support each other, talk on the phone every few days, and visit frequently. We do argue about things that we disagree about, like religion, but we keep the arguing good-natured, and never hold a grudge about anything. I think that's big- if we do have a, er, heated discussion, it's sort of an unspoken rule that once we hang up the phone, it's done and forgotten.

 

She is happy to give advice when I ask, but she completely respects my authority as my dd's parent. She loves dd to pieces, and is a wonderful grandmother. She's totally supportive of homeschooling, and is my biggest cheerleader in that regard, and constantly tells me that if I need help financially with getting any hsing supplies, to let her know.

 

One of the things that really helped, too, was me having dd. I don't think I even came close to realizing how much my mom loved me until I had my own child, and then it was like a lightbulb coming on. I suddenly realized how easily I could hurt her with careless words or actions, and since then I've made every effort to not do or say anything hurtful, and to tell her I love her each and every time I talk to her. That's helped a lot, too. And it wasn't as if before I was a total jerk, but I just didn't think sometimes.

 

That's all I can think of now. Hope that answered your question.

 

:iagree: Almost word for word. Moving out and growing up did wonders. We never had a bad relationship, but it's been fantastic since I've been an adult.

[happi duck]

...My mom and I never hid anything.

...We freely expressed love, anger, fear, excitement etc.

...Mom was always there to listen and help when asked.

...She stayed out of a lot of things that make me think back and say 'huh?', however, I can see that I benefited from being allowed to make the decision (or mistake in some instances!).

...Mom never insisted that things be done 'her' way.

 

I love her and miss her much.

[kalanamak]

What did you or she do to contribute to the good relationship, whether it is consciously or not. What does your good relationship look like? - esp. emotionally?

 

My mother was completely predictable. She was no wimp, but you knew what was going to get her peeved. There were no surprises. She was a good listener. She followed manners very strictly (thus you knew what was going to make her peeved: breaking the rules of good manners). She loved her children. She had a blistering sense of humor and I remember a lot of laughter. She was reserved about her problems, and never nosed herself in to my business one little bit.

 

To sum it up, I would say she was a whole person who did not demand her children let her live through them vicariously. She allowed us to be whole people. If asked, she would help or give advice, but never if she was not asked.

 

(I'm having a memory of her dancing to Oh-Bla-Di Oh-Bla-Da, and then screaming from the kitchen to turn off Why Don't We Do It In The Road.)

[Element]

Other than my dh, my mom is probably my best friend. She respects my choices and she listens to me. It wasn't always wonderful. We had a tough relationship during most of my childhood. We only started getting along in the past few years.

 

We let go of our past. We continually allow ourselves to change and grow, and respect each others' need to do the same. We gave each other another chance.

Edited December 26, 2011 by Element

[KungFuPanda]

I'm afraid there is no secret. My mom is genuinely nice and easy to get along with. I'm also pretty tolerant and easy-going, so the relationship is completely relaxed and comfortable. I could easily live with my mom. My husband could too . . . she's that good-natured and helpful.

 

His mother . . . no way. We love her, but she's so stressy we need to recover when she leaves.

[eternalknot]

My mom and I have a really positive, close relationship. We always have. The same can be said for her relationship with every one of my siblings. People love Mom.

 

My mother respects us as individuals, and tolerates a fair level of exploration - whether religious, dress, random phases, careers, etc. Because she keeps the leash slack, we're expected to heel when she says to; it's less weird IRL than that sounds. She lets us do our thing for the most part, but when she deems something important, we're to sit up, listen, do and obey. It was so as kids, it's still so today. An example would be our culture's festival for the dead. Buddhist or not, we're expected to participate as a(n) (extended) family. She supported me raising my kids in their father's faith (Catholic) but it was understood the kids would grow up also sharing our family's traditions.

 

She loves me enough to let me fall on my face, and respects me enough to hold back the "I told you so" .... When I have to crawl back, she let's me save face (so long as I only make a mistake once!) and helps me in any way she can without enabling or rescuing me. She was friendly with me, and we can socialize in a friendly way, but at the end of the day that mother-daughter line is not and has never been blurred. It doesn't matter if I'm in my 30s, she's still Mother and running the family show! (It's easy to accept because she's a reasonable, respectful person.)

 

Emotionally, she is my mentor. She's always been very good at separating emotion from reason; in that sense, she's able to calmly guide me (emotionally, spiritually, etc.) without the influence of her personal bias. She still is very vocal about her opinions, but puts them aside when not relevant or helpful to my issue at hand - the way she would a friend, respectful of differences.

 

I live with my mother, by choice. Even though we have an understood filial hierarchy, she treats and respects me as an adult; the flip side being I behave like an adult who living under her parents' roof. It's about mutual respect, and neither of us railroading the other or feeling threatened by any differences between us.

 

I model myself after her. I've done a few things differently from her, but by and large nothing I do in my day-to-day life could be taken by her as a challenge to how SHE did things. Two exceptions: I married an American soldier and I homeschool; both she advised me against but even then, decisions made, she supported my marriage and welcomed my husband. Plus when I'm traveling for work she serves as substitute teacher for my kids' school. That's just how she is. She cares more about the people than the problem or being right. I strive for this. It comes easily to her; she's just a loving, thoughtful person who seems more good than bad.

 

I think the last factor to play into our relationship was our family culture. I grew up in a multi-generational home and my mother had tons of social and family support as a wife and mother. She wasn't doing it all, on her own. This affect on her mental and emotional health had to have trickled down to us. She never got so frazzled that she snapped; she never had to do everything on her own, leaving her resentful or depressed. She could be the mother she wanted to be because she had a huge network of support. And instead of feeing threatened by that network, she embraced them and the whole Village mentality. It was never a "my kid, my rules" kind of set-up. She never felt really alone in her parenting, and benefitted from a wide pool of advisors to guide her. Not random people who call themselves 'parenting experts' and publish books or blogs, but people who knew her and us.

 

This was long, and maybe not even helpful. My mother is an amazing woman. I'm so fortunate my kids get to experience her every day, the same way I did.

Edited December 24, 2011 by eternalknot

[Lucy in Australia]

My mother loved and loves me unconditionally and I could feel this even as a child, but what cemented our relationship was that she has always prayed for me daily (and still does) and has always gently nudged me closer to God. When I went through those unpleasant, snarky teenage years, she rarely got cross but stubbornly kept pointing me back to God. While it drove me crazy at times, it is very precious to me now and I find myself repeating her pattern with my own occasionally snarky and unpleasant teenager :) When I went through some PND with my 3rd child, she was my rock.

[m0mmaBuck]

My mom is the mom all my friends wish they had. Seriously. Most of them call her "mom." She is straight-forward, honest, caring, loving, disciplined... She made sure we had a good foundation re: education, faith, reasoning, manners, etc., and then she encouraged us to make our own decisions and stand by them.

 

Honestly, she's the mom I wish I was. Some day.... maybe... Probably not... I'm just not that darn good!

[rocketgirl]

to denisemomof4: I totally relate, I feel so random in that all I know is to not be like my mom, and to do what I 'feel' is right. But being a mom I really need a mom for advice, and I don't have one. I love her so much, but she is so disappointing, even now when she doesn't ask how we are or know how the kids are or what they are interested in. I'm so sorry that you miss your mom. I hope mine can be a grandma to my kids.

[fraidycat]

I'm afraid there is no secret. My mom is genuinely nice and easy to get along with. I'm also pretty tolerant and easy-going, so the relationship is completely relaxed and comfortable. I could easily live with my mom. My husband could too . . . she's that good-natured and helpful.

 

This. I don't know how to answer this question any other way, because there has never been a time that we didn't get along. I most likely had my "teenage moments", but in all honesty those were few and far between and I don't really remember them at all.

 

I try very hard to emulate my Mom (and Dad) in my parenting. They are awesome, and IMO, did a pretty darn good job in raising us. I can only hope to do half as a good a job as they did.

 

One thing that I really respect is that my parents will share their opinion, but are never forceful about it, and quite often only if I ask for it. They always respect and support us in our decisions, even if they don't agree with them.

[annandatje]

I'm afraid there is no secret. My mom is genuinely nice and easy to get along with. I'm also pretty tolerant and easy-going, so the relationship is completely relaxed and comfortable. I could easily live with my mom. My husband could too . . . she's that good-natured and helpful. ...

 

 

This was my story too. Unfortunately my mother passed away at a relatively young age when I was a young adult.

[elegantlion]

Well I had my child on her birthday, that helped. :tongue_smilie: She adores my son, he adores her. You should see his eyes light up when we get to see my parents, really still at 14 he loves spending time with them. I was pondering this recently and my son is kind of what keeps my parents and I close. We get along great with my parents, but we've made choices that allow ds to be near them, physically, emotionally, etc. It was important to dh and I that he have a relationship with my parents. I know you said mothers, but my parents are sort of an inseparable unit in that respect.

 

Individually my mother treated me like an adult when I became one. She's told me several times that it was a conscious choice. We've always communicated well, except for a few brief years in my teens. I can tell her anything. She is a very loving, vocal person. She's never made a lot of judgmental remarks. She's also shared a lot of her regrets and mistakes with us.

 

What have I done? We sacrificed living somewhere warm and near a large body of water so ds could have them around. When we lived 800 miles away ds would beg to come visit or move back. There were other reasons, but ds's desire to move back was a big one.

 

I allow her into the private part of my life, she's been a big support this year and played mediator in some personal issues.

 

I let her talk. :lol: She's a talker, my dh is a talker, ds is a talker around her. My dad and I just sit and listen.

 

I support and protect her weaknesses. She had a lousy education, she says so. She had to work and live on her own to finish high school. She speaks well, but she doesn't spell or use complete correct grammar when writing. It's not horrible, but my nephew has corrected her e-mails or letters before. Yup, a grandchild does this. :confused: I want to smack him. For years I've just said, I know what you mean and let it go.

 

I guess she has learned to love me where I'm at and I have done the same. We see each other at least twice a month, and talk at least once a week.

[J-rap]

My mother and I have always had a great relationship. Growing up, she was gentle, giving, always there to listen, encouraging, smart, had a cute sense of humor. It was not important to her that we (the kids) "fit in," or have boyfriends, or dress a certain way. She was not materialistic. She would bend over backwards for each of us, and made each of us feel special. She rarely complained. I don't remember her ever raising her voice, in fact!

[Laura Corin]

She stayed out of my life except when invited in. Now that also means that she hasn't been very involved with her grandchildren, but she and I get on fine. She has some left over issues from her divorce (thirty years ago) but we can work through those, and do repeatedly.

 

Laura

[kathkath]

We hold each other in high regard. She is outwardly focused and looks for reasons to like people.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't want people to stop, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm reading each of these replies and they have been very helpful.

[TeacherZee]

She listens. She gives advice when asked for advice but not at other times. She has always respected our need for space and privacy, as children and as adults. She is kind. She is caring. She loves me. She lets me ramble. I adore her and don't know what I would do without her.

[DawnM]

Jean,

 

I also should add that I believe my mother has some mental illness. This contributes to us not being that close. Her sister's daughter and I were talking last week and her mother and my mother have many of the same issues. I believe mental illness runs in her family but I also believe that their harsh/difficult/abusive growing up years contributed. I believe their mother (my grandmother) was mentally ill. I believe it runs in the family.

 

I was adopted at birth so I am (thankfully) not worried about having it myself, but I do worry that some of her issues have had an affect on me and how I raise my kids. I can easily fly off the handle and I am trying very hard to be more loving and gentle.

 

I believe my mother loves me as best she can, but it isn't the way I need to be loved......unconditionally, without harsh criticism, without manipulation.

 

That is really more than I have ever shared on a message board about my mother.

 

I had really hoped that I would find a positive mother figure in my MIL, but unfortunately, she has a whole different set of issues that affect us (extremely bitter woman), so we don't communicate with her much at all......but that is a whole different post.

 

Dawn

 

I don't want people to stop, but I wanted to let you all know that I'm reading each of these replies and they have been very helpful.

[OrganicAnn]

What a great topic Jean.

 

I have a great relationship with my mom. When my dad died she moved to a condo near me. We love having her close by (but we're both glad that she doesn't have to live with us).

 

I'd say that her strength is what I admire most about her. She has a strong sense of what is right and will do the difficult things when needed. I notice this in contrast to my MIL. Both my mom and my MIL had difficult MILs. My mom response was to try not to let her MIL (my grandmother) bother her and always was polite to her. When my grandmother developed dementia, GM was finally nice to my mom and actually preferred my mom to anyone else. In contrast, my MIL didn't get along with her MIL (who was my DH's grandmother and DH's GM was a sweet old lady who just spoke her mind occasionally - not nearly as bad as my GM). My MILs response was not see, talk or visit with her MIL and allow her kids to do the same (so 2 of my DH's siblings hadn't seen their GM in 15 years and they lived in the same town). Then when DH's GM died, they all felt bad that they had behaved that way. To me it was very juvenile. My mother would have never allowed it of herself or her kids. I was shocked that not only did my MIL allow it, but seemed to encourage it. So I am not surprised when MIL has a falling out with one of her kids, they don't talk to each other for years. It is so passive aggressive.

 

My mom is always proud of all of us.

 

My mom tries to see the best in us.

 

She is not perfect.

 

I'd say in general kids don't like to hear about one parent complaining about the other parent.

 

Kids see when a parent has a favorite child even if they try to cover it up. Kids can deal with it, but only if parents are trying to be fair and loving to all.

 

That's all I got.

 

ETA: My mom was very accepting of all her DIL and SILs. We don't ever have to defend our spouse. In fact, I kid my mom that her favorite person is my DH. (of course DH is everyone's favorite - his GM, his dad's, my mom's, my DD, the dog)

Edited December 24, 2011 by OrganicAnn

[Pamela H in Texas]

A good bit of my mom's and my good relationship is built upon respect. We *really* had to work at learning to 1) not share every opinion and 2) ignoring well-meaning slip-ups. Once we got those two things down, we really got there. Seriously, my mom is a wonderful person and I'd like to be one myself. No doubt, that helps :)

 

BTW, one other HUGE thing contributed. My mother was either unaware of or allowed (or both) abuse when I was little. I had to forgive her for that. I still "wonder" regularly though...

Edited December 24, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[CalicoKat]

My good relationship with my Mom started when I decided that I needed to be more adult when receiving help. I love praise. I love to be told I'm great. But when I need advice I wasn't so great about receiving anything that wasn't utterly positive and pro-me.

 

My mom doesn't mind if I don't take all her advice. She just wants me to listen.

 

Also, when I knew that she'd listen to me I knew that I needed to be a good listener too.

 

We now live a mile from my folks. We see them daily. They love our kids. They love that we now live close. My kids will listen to them sometimes better than they do to us. Its fun to see my kids developing a relationship with them on their own independent of my relationship with them. They have things to do, to say, and jokes that don't require me or dh.

 

We listen to each other. We allow each other to decided for themselves what advice they are going to act on or not. We discuss the different options, with respect, and it's a discussion not a lecture or ultimatum.

[Donna]

My mom and I have always had a good relationship. (I can't say the same for my dad and I during the teen years but he and I have a wonderful relationship now as well.) While I was growing up, my mom was always consistent so I knew when I had done wrong. She was always my biggest supporter and stuck up for me like a mamma bear when she thought I had been wronged. She loves her family and took care of us with healthy home-cooked meals and baked goods.

 

I have always been able to talk to my mom about anything. She is my best friend. Though she and my dad weren't always able to provide financial help, they have always been there to provide their loving support or give advice when asked (only when asked which is also nice).

[Harriet Vane]

My dh is close with both of his parents. I have noticed some patterns in their relationship that I hope to hold onto with my own kids:

 

--Communication and talking. They talk about everything. Dh's mom is a night owl who used to stay up until dh came home from a date, and then listen eagerly while he told her all about it. She's always been so delighted to savor all you have to tell her and to cheer you on in every way.

 

--Acceptance and respect. My in-laws accept our right to make decisions and live by them. They also accept who we are. Dh has made some life choices that were VERY frightening for them (choosing to live in an impoverished, crime-ridden minority area of the city is one example; homeschooling is another) yet they always make every effort to understand and even participate. Which leads to the next point . . .

 

--Eager participation. My in-laws have found that magical boundary of being interested and eager to participate in our lives without pushing in inappropriately. They have supported every crazy thing we have done and chosen to join us. As an example, when we moved to the city they helped with the move, took walks with us through the neighborhood, befriended an elderly neighbor of ours, went Christmas caroling, etc. They are really pretty astounding in this, and I do not take it for granted at all.

 

I only hope I can show the same kindness to my own children. The open, friendly relationship we have with dh's parents is truly a blessing, and I pray that I will have such a relationship with my kids and their families when they are adults.

[SKL]

Simply, accepting that parents are human. And humans all have their unique set of strengths and weaknesses. It's unfair to expect a higher level of human perfection from the person who happened to bear me.

 

Also, I decided to focus on the things my parents did right instead of the things they did wrong. Being a parent is full of sacrifices from pregnancy onward. The fact that some parents appear to sacrifice more than others is irrelevant. My mom suffered all manner of discomfort and yet was glad when I came into the world. She made sure I was never hungry or without a roof over my head. She provided me with human touch and smiles. She taught me to value education and some other things. She didn't abuse me when I was on her last nerve. I don't take those things for granted. It was not easy being her - an abused child herself with a houseful of kids, an alcoholic husband (in the early years), and very little money to work with. She made mistakes then and she makes them now. She's no saint. She's just human.

[Beth in OH]

When I gave up wishing her to be someone she wasn't, and just accepted her for who she was....things got better.

Faithe

 

:iagree: I have found this to be true for all of my important, close relationships. I am also learning to be who I am and let others own their disappointment in me. I can't fill all of any person's needs.

[Desert Rat]

I have no secret either. I will say that my mom had me at 18. I think that had something to do with it. We kind of grew up together. She was also willing to let me go through phases without much criticism (punk rock, veganism-which didn't work for me, etc.). She didn't freak out (to me!) when I moved in with dh after knowing him 2 weeks. Or when we were engaged 6 months later. She's been really good at disagreeing with my choices, but supporting me.

I will say that from 2005-2010 my mother was very mentally ill. I agreed to stand by her regardless of how many terrible things she said to me and regardless of how many times I wanted to walk away from her. Mid-2010 we had her committed (twice). We got her on the right medication cocktail and I got a miracle and something I never thought I would have again. My mom. My healthy, relatively sane mom.

Just yesterday she came over to help me bake. I have been sick for 2 weeks and she helped me out so much! I was saying something along the lines that I was so glad she was herself again and that she really hurt me for a long time. My dh was standing there and told her it was hard to watch her hurt me. She said she remembers none of that. I think I will do the same.

[klmama]

What did you or she do to contribute to the good relationship, whether it is consciously or not. What does your good relationship look like? - esp. emotionally?

 

We had a wonderful relationship, mostly because she was a very gracious woman. She was a great listener, and she always shared in my excitement, sadness, etc. She was willing to overlook my faults and love me, no matter what. She disciplined fairly when I was young, and she never gave me an immediate consequence - she always said she'd have to think about it for awhile first. She was an encourager. Once I became an adult, she pretty much stopped giving me advice. Instead, she'd ask what I thought I should do. She always told me I made great decisions and that whatever I decided would be the right choice.

[Jean in Newcastle]

:iagree: I have found this to be true for all of my important, close relationships. I am also learning to be who I am and let others own their disappointment in me. I can't fill all of any person's needs.

 

A number of people have said something along these lines. I'll have to ponder this. I should say that my mom and I have a friendly relationship. She was a very good mother to me growing up. But my relationship with my mother is shallow emotionally because all communication is on the surface only. So she can't (or possibly won't) fill that emotional need for me and thus while we're friendly, I wouldn't say that we are close.

[NittanyJen]

It's a give and take between adults, yet I am and always will be her daughter.

 

My Mom listens and observes and supports, but does not jump in with advice unless asked-- she assumes we know how to raise our kids, manage our house and our lives. I don't look back and punish her for decisions I might have made a different way. I believe my Mom made her decisions with love and character and as a human being, and now that I'm a parent with over a decade of experience under my belt, I sure hope nobody is keeping a tally of any mistakes I may be making, either.

 

I feel as if Mom treats both my husband and I with respect, and is a kproduct of her own times and upbringing, education, and peer relationships. So am I. I have tried to treat her and my late father with respect in return.

 

We share some hobbies in common -- knitting, quilting, gardening, cooking, some reading tastes-- and not others. She is better at most of those things than I am. She used to be good at sports, but never understood my love of martial arts; but she supports that anyway. I am better than she is with computers, and she lets me be the expert at that, along with my husband where his knowledge exceeds mine.

 

We can discuss religion and politics, because we are okay with agreeing to disagree. I think she is stubborn as a mule and she thinks I am stubborn like my father, and we sometimes walk away and laugh at each other.

 

That's how my good relationship with my Mom works.

[dragons in the flower bed]

Dh has made some life choices that were VERY frightening for them (choosing to live in an impoverished, crime-ridden minority area of the city is one example; homeschooling is another) yet they always make every effort to understand and even participate. Which leads to the next point . . .

 

--Eager participation.

 

This struck such a deep chord with me that I stuck "Acceptance & Respect/Enthusiastic Participation" into a 43Things.com goal and copied & pasted your message into the weekly reminder the website will email to me. Thank you!

[sassenach]

I'm having such a hard time summing up my mom! I think the common thread that has allowed us to be close at every stage of life has been that she has always respected me as my own person. So many moms take their child's actions and choices as a direct reflection on themselves, and then have huge emotional/angry responses when the kid does something wrong or different from what the mom would have chosen. My mom always loved me, but also allowed my to experience the consequences to my choices without interjecting her emotions into it. I'm not sure if I'm articulating that well, but it's all I've got on 1/2 cup of coffee.

 

As a kid she was fun and present. She disciplined, but didn't hold grudges. She had standards, but the standards didn't exist to bolster how she looked to others. We didn't have purposeless rules growing up.

 

During adolescence was a rough go. She didn't make all of the right decisions. She and my dad were barreling towards divorce and I was left to my own devices more than I should have been. She later apologized for her failures during that time. It's been a good reminder to me that we all make mistakes, but not all is lost.

 

Our adult relationship has been the best. She is really, REALLY good at respecting boundaries. She does not offer unsolicited advice. She totally respects my marriage and the decisions we make. If she disagrees with any of them, I would never know. In fact, we changed what we were going to name dd7 at the last minute and it wasn't until after she was born that my mom mentioned that she wasn't that into our original name. I would have never guessed. She is an encourager. She's still fun. She and her husband take the kids and let dh and I get away. She is one of my best friends. I really hope I can follow her lead into the adult years with my own kids!

[happypamama]

My mom and I have a generally pretty good relationship. We have very similar views on a lot of things, like parenting and homeschooling, for instance, and I do think that helps.

 

Things that I think have also helped us:

-She was around a lot when I was a kid/teen. She really put in the time to mother us. Sometimes I felt that was too restrictive (and I do still think that sometimes she was a bit overboard), but I always knew she cared. She took the time to know where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, what happened in school that day, etc., etc. I can remember just sitting next to her while she cooked dinner, babbling away about my day and whatnot. (Even now, my sister and I call her all the time just to chat about random stuff. She actively wants to hear from us, even for no particular reason.) There's really no substitute for that.

 

-She has really made it a point to keep her mouth shut. If I ask her advice, she gives it (and I respect it), but if I'm happy, she doesn't meddle. (I think this makes her a fantastic MIL to my brothers' wives as well!) There's no subtle disapproval from her. Like, we cosleep with our babies, and we're really happy with that arrangement. It wasn't her choice to do that with us, but she never has disapproved of that to us, and if I mention that a baby had me up several times in a night, her reaction is sympathy for me, not "well, just put that baby in a crib and let him cry." She homeschooled my younger siblings (and wishes she'd homeschooled me) and is 110% behind us homeschooling, but she's been very careful to respect my brother's choice to have his kids in public school, and if we decided to do that, she'd keep her mouth shut. I really hope that when I'm a grandmother, I will have that grace as well.

 

-I have forgiven her for things that I wish she'd done differently. I really can see that she did the best she knew to do in any given situation. I see her apologize sometimes for things (like not homeschooling me), and I feel badly about that, because I know she was intentional about what she did or didn't do. If I do something differently, I am careful to let her know that I am doing what works for our family, right now, rather than reacting to what she did.

 

I would like to be a little more approachable about tough topics with my kids, but I also understand where my parents were coming from. They found themselves in a position they didn't really expect (their 14yo in a very serious relationship with a slightly older boy), and so I think their whole dating philosophy was thrown out of whack. I think their parents were also pretty stand-offish about tough topics, so they found it hard to be open about them themselves.

[goldberry]

The thing I respect most about my mom is that once I was an adult, she never tried to intrude her views into my life.

 

Once early in my marraige, I went to her moaning about my DH, and how I wasn't sure it was working, etc. She looked at me very clearly and said, "you need to say these things to your husband, not to me." She also told me I committed to a marraige and I needed to work at it instead of whining about it. WOW. Best advice ever. Still happily married 26 years later.:001_wub:

 

She gives me help when I ASK, but she waits until I do. So I never feel like she is judging my choices or intruding. I love her so much for that! I think that will be my hardest thing to do when my own DD is grown...I am naturally controlling!

 

Also, she has her own life and interests, so she never makes me feel guilty for "not calling enough"...even though I do, because she is actually pleasant to interact with (for the most part, we all have our moments...).

 

 

Thanks for this thread...it reminded me how much I am grateful for about my Mutti!

[PeacefulChaos]

Well, I have a great relationship with my Grandma - who is, for all intents and purposes, my mom. She raised me and I always lived with her - my mom moved away when I was 3 and wasn't around much those years that she did live there, so I have always just considered my Grandma to be the person in that role for me. :)

There were times when I was a teenager that I was a little snarky and difficult, but honestly we always had a pretty good relationship even then. I was a pretty reliable kid - especially once I hit 15 or so. :) I know that by the time I was driving, I considered my Grandma to be one of my closest friends and told her most everything. :) When I went to college I was 17 and still called her about once a week, and that still stands! I went back 'home' for the one summer after my freshman year of college, and then got married the end of the summer, but ever since then I've called her once a week - more, obviously, if I need anything for any reason (like I'm making a recipe of hers that I need clarification on, etc), and usually end up talking for a little while even then. Anyway, we regularly talk for about 1-1.5 hours once a week, and she and my Grandpa talk to the kids and stuff. They come to visit about twice a year and we try to get out to see them once every couple years or so. (We live 17 hours apart).

I think distance has served us well. When we first got married we lived just a few hours from them, and I felt like she had a little bit of a hard time 'letting go' so to speak. I was a little bothered by it, but they still didn't live in town so it wasn't too bad. Then Grandpa retired and they were going to move to the same town so we up and moved to where DH's family lived (17 hours away!) - but we never said that was why we were moving. We always planned on moving here, we just changed WHEN once we found out they were moving. At this point, we have been married 10 years and things are much easier. If we wanted to (which we don't) move back to where I'm from, we could and we wouldn't have any problems.

We share everything now, and I truly treasure her and the relationship that we have. She's 72 now and my Grandpa is 74, they were actually just here for Thanksgiving (and we're going to see them in late April/early May)!

[TranquilMind]

What did you or she do to contribute to the good relationship, whether it is consciously or not. What does your good relationship look like? - esp. emotionally?

I had the most amazing Mom, and I'm not simply remembering her with rose-colored glasses. The best thing she did was be totally unjudgmental and never get angry. I cannot achieve this level of saintliness. I think she yelled at me once in my teens.

 

My brother wrote her a wonderful letter when he left home and we found it in her things. He praised her for giving him roots and wings, and all that, and being the best mom ever. That's a pretty nice tribute from a young man in his 20s. I wrote similar things to her as well over the years.

 

I wish I could be totally calm and never yell or jump to conclusions. Still working on it! But it is a goal.

[RobinF]

My mom was my mom. As a child she nurtured me, as a teenager she guided me and as an adult she offers support. I think my mom has given me the best advice at every stage in my life. She is my best friend. I know that I can call at any time and she will be calm and give me an ear to vent and advice on how to handle situations.

[Sharon H in IL]

My mom showed us kids unconditional love during our childhood. My dad's love was more loaded with conditions and varied depending on if you were toeing the line.

 

As an adult, I appreciated her sense of humor. I appreciated hearing her thoughts on whatever was going on. I appreciated her willingness to help without attaching strings to the help. We sat and drank mugs of tea and talked about what we were reading, the family, cooking, fashions (funny, because she was one of the least fashionable women I knew), and all kinds of things.

 

Her love was a constant, warm glow in my life. We didn't talk often. But we so enjoyed one another.

 

One of my favorite memories is coming to visit. Mother stood at the top of the stairs (split level with entry in the middle), arms stretched open wide, a huge smile of joy on her face. I imagine heaven will be something like that. :001_wub:

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

One of my favorite memories is coming to visit. Mother stood at the top of the stairs (split level with entry in the middle), arms stretched open wide, a huge smile of joy on her face. I imagine heaven will be something like that. :001_wub:

 

I got teary reading that. That was lovely.

[CAMom]

This is my story too. I worked hard to let go of my hurt...and loved her as a friend. She was a terrible parent, but a fun friend. I was with her until her last breath. I am still reeling from it all. She was not easy...but in her own way, she loved me and depended on me. When I gave up wishing her to be someone she wasn't, and just accepted her for who she was....things got better.

Faithe

 

Wow. I can't believe that you and Denise have such a similar experience to mine!

 

My mom is still alive. I have had to accept who she is and what she is capable of giving me. Once I let go of my expectations, it really freed up my emotions.

[DianeW88]

My mother loved me unconditionally. She never inserted herself into my life (as an adult) without permission. She respected me as a mother and she respected my marriage and, actually, all the choices I made as an adult.

 

When I was a child, she was a MOTHER, not a friend. She was not afraid to discipline, correct, instruct and guide. She was loving, encouraging, supportive and kind, no matter what ridiculous notion I had gotten in my head. Along with my father, my parents moved heaven and earth to make sure I had every advantage and opportunity they could provide for me.

 

I had other friends whose mothers were their "buddies", and those friends do not have a good relationship with their mothers today. When I would point that out to my mom (Suzy's mom lets her do "so and so"), my mother would always say, "That's fine. I'm not Suzy's mother, I'm yours. And my job is to raise you right." And she did. :D

 

As an adult, I spoke on the phone with my mom every day. Once I was married, we did become best friends. We had a wonderful relationship and I treasure every moment. My mom passed away from ovarian cancer eight years ago, and I miss her very much, but I am so glad I was blessed to have her as my mom, and hope I can be half the mother she was to my own kids.

[Ester Maria]

I adore my mother. :001_smile:

 

She is one of those old-fashioned, elegant, "serious" women, but at the same time, there is something just so FRESH and vivacious about her - hard to explain. That something je ne sais quoi that keeps her youthful and passionate makes an excellent combination with calm and wisdom of the age and experience. She always knew how to combine the two, and she always knew when to err on her stern side and when to err on the "do not take life too seriously, amore" side and I always appreciated that. I have met few people in my life who were as good as estimating which situation requires which approach as my mother.

 

Secondly, I believe we are simply compatible on many levels - compatible in core personalities, in much of our sensibilities and mannierisms, in much of our worldview. That compatibility helps too in a relationship, because although I can make friends with people wildly different than myself, I find myself going back to my mother as a person who really understands, because she is very much like me in some fundamental ways.

 

One of the greatest gifts she gave me was the one of independence and my own personal space. It is not that she was absent from my life, but she was more often somewhere in the background rather than right next to me - she let me own my life from a very early age and I was very, very independent. She never solved my problems or conflicts (social, at school, etc.), never pulled me out of trouble, was always there for me as an emotional support, but made it clear that I had to live my life. That brought about developing many useful skills and I am really grateful to her for that. She is like that too, loves independence and finds it an important trait of every person, something fundamental to start with. She was never one of those mother who smother their children and handicap them from growing into separate entities. She also never micromanaged me, which I appreciated. I was free range.

 

I never really felt like I was being "parented". Things were so natural in our home, none of that artificial atmosphere or power games of "I am the parent and you are to obey me" kind that some of my friends went through. My parents were not of a punitive mentality either (but then again, I was a fairly easy child too). They were just themselves and I was myself and that was fine. My mother does not hold grudges nor ill-will towards people, even if many of our disagreements were quite loud and quite passionate (since we share that "impossible" constitution). In spite of the generational distance which of course occurs, I still find a great deal of freedom and spontaneity in how things went. It really, really helped to make me feel appreciated and equally important. Her sense of humor also helped. ;)

 

And lots of love and affection. Lots of talking - serious talking, nonsense chatting with the first morning coffee, heart to heart talking, etc. We always had open lines of communication.