Would you allow her to go?

[littlebug42]

I have a question for the hive. Sweet-Pea, age 9 (almost 10) has been invited to go on vacation to the beach with a friend in a few weeks. She would be gone for 9 days. We have known friend's parents for 16 years and while they don't make the same parenting choices I would always make, I feel that they are essentially good parents. It would be a family event with extended family as well. Sweet-pea has never been away from us for more than 2 nights before and I tend to lean towards helicopter parenting at times. She has never been to the beach and has been wanting to go for a long time. She has the potential for some homesickness issues however.

 

Also, Boo-Boo was not invited but has American Girl camp that week and would not have been able to go even if she had been. She will miss her sister terribly.

 

What would you do?

 

ETA: UPDATE: I want to thank everyone for their input. You helped me think through some things and make a good decision. We spoke to her and laid out the pros and cons. She definitely wants to go. I know that they will keep her safe as one of their own. We will be sending her with a cell phone of her own so she can call when she needs to. This is a child that knows her limits and her maturity level is truly off the charts. So, we are letting her go. I think she will have an excellent time and the family is so happy to have her.

Edited July 4, 2011 by littlebug42
Update

[Janie Grace]

I wouldn't. It sounds like fun but the things that would give me pause would be:

1. Different parenting choices (this would depend on WHAT different choices; if they allow bikinis and I don't -- whatever. But if they allow rated R movies, and I don't, and I didn't have confidence my standards would be respected -- deal breaker).

2. Extended family. I just don't like the idea of a dd being around men I don't know.

3. Ocean. I used to live near the beach and I have a very healthy respect for the ocean. You have to watch your kids CONSTANTLY, even the kids who can swim well. Undertow and riptides are unpredictable. I wouldn't take on the responsibility of watching someone else's kid at the beach, and I wouldn't give it to someone else.

 

I am actually NOT a helicopter parent, but I would say no to this. Not that YOU should -- you may have total peace about letting her go and that's great -- but you asked what we would do. I'd say no.

[elegantlion]

I think a lot of it would depend on how well I trusted the parents. How old is she? 9? 10? Does she know how to swim? Does she obey the parents?

 

My gut would be no simply because we'd want to go as well. :lol::lol:

 

I think 9 days is a long time if she's never been away that long. How does she feel about it? How far away will she be?

[Karis]

NO

[Mommy22alyns]

No.

[TXBeth]

2. Extended family. I just don't like the idea of a dd being around men I don't know.

 

:iagree:

 

Also, I am fairly uncomfortable having my kids in water without me there (although granted, my oldest is only 5 and not a strong swimmer), especially if there will be lots of people with the potential for distraction and "I thought you were watching her."

[Peela]

I would say yes if SHE feels ok about it and can contact you by phone perhaps if she feels homesick.

But I lean towards that type of parenting. Say yes whenever possible, rather than no. And my kids are adventurers and I dont think they have ever been homesick in their lives.

I see being a homeschooler as a wonderful opportunity to let my kids do unusual things, not so much to keep them protected at home.

[happyhappyjoyjoy]

We have a strict policy that our children are never around unrelated men without our presence. I had friends in college that were abused in a variety of situations. We never bend on this policy.

Edited July 3, 2011 by happyhappyjoyjoy
typo

[Teachin'Mine]

Can your family get away for a weekend? If so, go out to the same area and let your daughter spend time with them, and if you're comfortable with the arrangements, a sleep over night. If at the end of the weekend you're comfortable with your daughter spending a few more nights there, leave her with them and she can go back home with them. Either way, you'll all get a weekend at the beach. :)

 

But back to your question of would I, the answer would be no. But the weekend thing would be just fine.

[tammyw]

We definitely wouldn't, and it wouldn't matter how well we knew the family. Actually, we don't even have family we'd allow this with.

[lovemy9kids]

No

[abbeyej]

If you trust the parents completely (and it sounds like you do?), I think it's reasonable to discuss the homesickness with your dd and try to decide together whether or not she could handle it. Nine days would likely be too much for my 9yo girl. I think my son would more than happily have gone off with his best friend's family for *weeks* at that age, if it had been an option. Both kids are loving and well-adjusted -- he's just never been much bothered by going off to face adventure on his own and she's always wanted to know Mom was somewhere close by.

 

My first question would absolutely be, "Will these people take good care of my daughter and keep her safe or will the expose her to potential dangers (physical or emotional) that could do her harm?" If I'm utterly convinced they're trustworthy and any differences in parenting styles would be relatively unimportant (for instance, a later bedtime for a week isn't going to do any permanent damage), the next question would be, "Does she want this and can she handle the separation?"

 

And it's a tough call. An opportunity like this *might* really help her grow and experience a sense of independence. She might come back to you years more mature (in positive ways) than she is now. ... But if she's not ready to make a leap like that, she could be miserable and make those around her miserable for the whole trip. And obviously that's not going to serve anyone well.

[CalicoKat]

I wouldn't. It sounds like fun but the things that would give me pause would be:

1. Different parenting choices (this would depend on WHAT different choices; if they allow bikinis and I don't -- whatever. But if they allow rated R movies, and I don't, and I didn't have confidence my standards would be respected -- deal breaker).

2. Extended family. I just don't like the idea of a dd being around men I don't know.

3. Ocean. I used to live near the beach and I have a very healthy respect for the ocean. You have to watch your kids CONSTANTLY, even the kids who can swim well. Undertow and riptides are unpredictable. I wouldn't take on the responsibility of watching someone else's kid at the beach, and I wouldn't give it to someone else.

 

I am actually NOT a helicopter parent, but I would say no to this. Not that YOU should -- you may have total peace about letting her go and that's great -- but you asked what we would do. I'd say no.

 

:iagree: I agree with all three points but #3 more intensely. But then again dh's brother drowned at age 5 and there's a whole family history (paranoia) with water & kids.

 

I vote no.

[Chris in VA]

Given what you've said,

 

Yes.

[WiseOwlKnits]

I would.

[PentecostalMom]

NO

:iagree:

 

Ocean...for reasons previosly mentioned.

 

Extended family...do you know all of these people well enough to think that she will be safe?

[NanceXToo]

Nope. I wouldn't want my kid at that age away from me for that long regardless, but especially around people who I don't know well (ie the "extended family") and especially at a place that I feel warrants extremely careful supervision (ie the ocean with all of its inherent dangers- and we are talking about a child who has never been there and isn't necessarily familiar with those dangers and what to do in event of undertow, being rolled by a big wave, etc).

 

And with being distracted by the extended family etc, I wouldn't trust my friends to be able to provide that careful supervision. A weekend camping trip with friends of 16 years? Sure, probably. A 9 night ocean trip with the friends and who knows who else? Absolutely not.

Edited July 3, 2011 by NanceXToo

[SilverMoonlight]

Does she want to go?

 

If she got terribly homesick, is it driving distance where you *could* go and get her (or is this like a plane trip)?

 

You trust the parents?

 

If so, then I lean towards yes.

[catz]

I have a question for the hive. Sweet-Pea, age 9 (almost 10) has been invited to go on vacation to the beach with a friend in a few weeks. She would be gone for 9 days. We have known friend's parents for 16 years and while they don't make the same parenting choices I would always make, I feel that they are essentially good parents. It would be a family event with extended family as well. Sweet-pea has never been away from us for more than 2 nights before and I tend to lean towards helicopter parenting at times. She has never been to the beach and has been wanting to go for a long time. She has the potential for some homesickness issues however.

 

Also, Boo-Boo was not invited but has American Girl camp that week and would not have been able to go even if she had been. She will miss her sister terribly.

 

What would you do?

 

Is there any chance she could go for a few days and you could pick her up? 2 days to 9 days seems like a big leap, but it does sound fun for her! I guess I'm not the overly paranoid type and my own up and coming 5th grader would be mature enough to handle this.

[kalanamak]

I would say yes if SHE feels ok about it and can contact you by phone perhaps if she feels homesick.

But I lean towards that type of parenting. Say yes whenever possible, rather than no. And my kids are adventurers and I dont think they have ever been homesick in their lives.

I see being a homeschooler as a wonderful opportunity to let my kids do unusual things, not so much to keep them protected at home.

 

:iagree:

[katilac]

No, I think the jump from 2 nights to 9 nights away is way too much for most kids. Also, I would never be comfortable having my child at the beach with someone else. I find that very few parents mean the same thing that I do when saying "watch them constantly."

[Imprimis]

No. And, for many of the reasons already brought up by other posters.

 

I really would not feel comfortable with my child in someone else's care for that long.

[LittleIzumi]

If it was just the close family friends, maybe. Maybe. If dd was an excellent swimmer. With the extended family & the ocean, I'd say no. I like the idea of you taking her for a weekend there if possible.

[Orthodox6]

No.

 

Too many unknowns = supervision issues; behaviours/morals of the extended family; anybody with lifesaving training? ; specifics of the adult friends' decision-making norms; your dd's inexperience with the ocean.

 

How many miles distant from home would dd be?

 

Saying "no" is not at all a form of "hovercraft parenting". It sounds as if, for your family style, it would be common sense.

[Impish]

There's only ONE family I'd consider.

 

9 days is a long time.

[Calm37]

No, 9 days is too long.

[littlebug42]

Thanks for everyone's input. By saying that they make different parenting choices, it is really not a concern about safety or big red flags, just that they are more on the lenient side. I don't think time with them would endanger her or anything. The Mom in question was a bridesmaid in our wedding and her now 17 year old daughter, who is also going along, was our flower girl. We do know this family very well.

 

I had not considered the ocean thing and will definitely give that more thought. As for the extended family, I think much of the only other males there will be children. Honestly, that doesn't concern me overly much because I do not doubt that she would be adequately supervised.

 

She is away at her Nana's tonight but we will discuss it with her tomorrow. I think we are currently leaning towards letting her go although I may send a life jacket with her. There is no way we could easily go pick her up if she gets overwhelmingly homesick as we are in Ohio and they are going to North Carolina. She has been wanting to go away for a week of sleep away camp though and I would feel better letting her get that first experience away with people I know rather than strangers.

 

You have given me much to think about. Thanks.

[Carol in Cal.]

I probably would.

Seems like something happens with kids at age 9 1/2 or so--they become less homesick-leaning.

 

My concerns would be alcohol and water safety.

 

I would want to talk with her every day or two. I would send her letters often. And I would tell her how I wanted her to keep herself safe near the water, in addition to having the expectation that others would be watching out for her. I would want to understand in detail the water safety protocols of the others and how strict they are about them. I would also make sure that she knows that if someone has had two drinks she needs to not get in the car with them, and have a code for 'please come and pick me up' and the definite assurance that I would take the blame and come up with a plausible excuse to come and get her if necessary, but all that aside, I would almost certainly send her.

[littlebug42]

I also just wanted to add that you would be hard-pressed to find a more mature, responsible 9 year old. She is also not impulsive and approaches most things in life with caution. The answer would be a clear no for my younger daughter but Sweet Pea is not as clear-cut for us.

[i.love.lucy]

I let my 9yo go to the beach with her best friend last year. I am a "yes" parent for the most part. They are both big girls and strong swimmers. Also the other girl is an only child so I knew they would be well supervised. I have complete trust in this family. She took along the household cell phone so she could call me and did so several times. She seemed to have a good time, this was for 2 nights though.

 

When she was invited to go this year she declined. She admitted she was terribly homesick. I think it was not so much the idea of being with another family as much as it was being far away from us. Like there was no way she could call and say "come get me, I want to go home". They would have absolutely cut the trip short and brought her home if she had admitted to being upset, but she didn't.

 

9 days is a long time! I would truly be more worried about the time away, homesickness part than anything else. Be sure you help her understand how long this is. What will be her strategy if she and her bestie get on each others nerves? Maybe this won't be an issue with other children there, but it did come up on my dd's trip. That weird feeling of being in a strange place with people that aren't your family, etc. But she's kind of sensitive like that.

 

It could be a great opportunity for her, but golly 9 days is really too long in my book. Absolutely I'd say yes to 3 or 4 days. But 9....:001_huh:

[littlebug42]

I probably would.

Seems like something happens with kids at age 9 1/2 or so--they become less homesick-leaning.

 

My concerns would be alcohol and water safety.

 

I would want to talk with her every day or two. I would send her letters often. And I would tell her how I wanted her to keep herself safe near the water, in addition to having the expectation that others would be watching out for her. I would want to understand in detail the water safety protocols of the others and how strict they are about them. I would also make sure that she knows that if someone has had two drinks she needs to not get in the car with them, and have a code for 'please come and pick me up' and the definite assurance that I would take the blame and come up with a plausible excuse to come and get her if necessary, but all that aside, I would almost certainly send her.

 

 

If she goes, she will be sent with a cell phone so she can call whenever she needs to. Also, I know with certainty, that nothing would be done to endanger her. I just mentioned to my husband that some water safety lessons would be necessary before she went.

 

I think one aspect of this trip that could be good for her is that she almost never gets a break from her sister. They share the same activities, the same friends, etc. There just is so much to consider.

[texasmama]

I wouldn't allow a 9 day trip to the beach at this age for a variety of reasons. A weekend trip with just the family we knew? Maybe. Nine days with these people's extended family to the beach (potential high risk around water in addition to people I don't know at all) with people whose parenting I don't always agree with? Nope.

[Shellydon]

No. 9 days is WAY too long. I might consider a weekend.

[gingersmom]

There is zero chance I would let my child go.

[MamaT]

There is no way I would let my 9yo go away with anyone else for that long - even family. The water safety issues and extended family there that you don't even know makes it an even bigger no for me.

[Perry]

No.

[Starr]

I would not have let my 9 year old go. I vacation with my children. :) and an ocean is not something you can just explain to a child and they are not going to put her in a life jacket in the shallow waters. Who are they staying in a room with? Who will watch them if those adults want to go out? What kind of movies will the adults be watching? My dc had a low tolerance for most TV, too scary. Are they going to start inviting her to all their long vacations? How does this impact the rest of the family? It's a long week.

 

That said, my sister and I went with family friends on a 3 week vacation when I was young and I don't have any bad memories.

[littleWMN]

I have a newly ten year old. I'd have to say no, not for that long. 5 days maybe.

[kamom]

Another no!

[TracyR]

I would say if she has a great relationship with her friend and you trust the parents enough to watch her around the water. I would find out how they are about their own children being in the water, meaning will they watch her vigilantly? If anything you could make it a rule that she wear some type of floatation device if she goes in the water. Even if she knows how to swim.

 

Its a tough one and your call. My 8yr old will be going camping for a week here this week and I have to trust that the adults she will be with will be very careful and make sure nothing happens to her when we are not there. Not an easy thing to do but our children must fly a little too.

[Jeannie in NJ]

I live on in a beach town. Swimming is only allowed in front of the lifeguard stands. We have several drownings each summer but all happen after hours when no lifeguards or on duty. Would adults be watching when the kids are in the ocean or would they be solely counting on the lifequards. Better yet, would adults be also going in the ocean with the kids? Regarding the lifejacket, I don't think I have ever seen anyone wearing a lifejacket in the ocean, maybe they are not allowed? Is your dd a strong swimmer? Make sure and tell her to never be in the ocean alone. Around here, lifeguards are strict about no-one going in if there are rip tides. I would probably let her go if you are comfortable with all of the above concerning the ocean.

[Dirtroad]

Didn't read the entire conversation... but No Way!;)

[eternalknot]

My kids are 5 and 10. I'd have no problem sending either of them on this type of trip with this type of friend.

 

My kids miss me when I'm away (I travel for work, plus they have regular two-week visits with my in-laws throughout the year) but the homesickness usually only presents itself around day 2-3. Day 1 is still exciting and new, days 4+ are usually filled with fun or other distraction. They'd be fine for nine days, especially if they were with a close family of MY friends (as opposed to the family of one of THEIR friends).

 

I do send them with a phone that can call/text/email, so that they can communicate whenever. We send lots of pictures and texts throughout the days we are apart, and it keeps us all from getting lonely missing one another.

 

I'm not big on 'outsiders' meaning most of my closest friends (and my kids') are related to us. I don't mingle much with the outside world LOL, but those friends I do have are just as treasured as if they were family. They're all people I trust with my kids, and even if we have different parenting philosophies I trust that they have my kid's interests at heart (especially in my absence) and would act accordingly. I tend to be more lax than most of my friends, but in their absence I parent their children more middle-of-the-road (stricter than I'd normally be, a tad more relaxed than their parents are). If anything I err on the side of their parents. I've noticed the same in my friends; in my absence they tend to parent my kids more in line with my beliefs whilst still staying within their comfort level. It's good for all of us, kids especially :)

[Trish]

Eh, no.

 

1) Too long.

2) Oceans.

3) Too many unknown people. You may feel you know this family perfectly well. What do you know about the extended family? Only what you've heard, at best. You never know if there will be someone in that unit with an issue no one knows about. Also, if they don't parent the way you do, they may feel comfortable leaving the girls with (whichever) extended family member because THEY are totally comfortable with it, and you might not be. Nine is just a little too young to expect a mature reaction to a danger that might not be obvious. Especially if she feels she's among safe people.

 

They all may be perfectly safe. But you can't know that, and kids are more valuable than jewely in my opinion. Would you trust this family to take your engagement ring to the beach and leave it out on the table? Okay, weird analogy, but it never seems like a horrible decision unless you guess wrong.

 

And you're guessing.

[Ravin]

I would. DD right now is in NM with my dad, on a weekend trip out from TX where she's been at my mom's since the week after Memorial Day. Mom's bringing her back next weekend. This is her third such summer vacation and she's 7.

 

I tend to be more of a free-range parent, though, so YMMV.

[Halftime Hope]

2. Extended family. I just don't like the idea of a dd being around men I don't know.

 

:iagree: ME, TOO!

 

Also, I am fairly uncomfortable having my kids in water without me there (although granted, my oldest is only 5 and not a strong swimmer), especially if there will be lots of people with the potential for distraction and "I thought you were watching her."

 

These were my two concerns.

[PrincessAriel]

No, for many of the reasons already mentioned. But mostly because I just don't get the trend of having to invite a friend to go along on a family vacation. It kind of defeats the whole purpose of a family vacation.:confused:

[Big Buckin' Longhorn]

I'd probably lean towards yes. I think I've always been more free-range, though.

[Trish]

. There is no way we could easily go pick her up if she gets overwhelmingly homesick as we are in Ohio and they are going to North Carolina. She has been wanting to go away for a week of sleep away camp though and I would feel better letting her get that first experience away with people I know rather than strangers.

 

You have given me much to think about. Thanks.

 

Ack. I missed this part. I don't think I could have my child that many states away from me at that age. Especially with all the Worry Factors mentioned. Probably nine days would give me homesickness as an adult; for a child it will seem like forever.

 

Last summer my whole extended family rented a house in Vermont. (our nuclear family, plus my four brothers' families, sister's, and my parents) Yes lots of people, all with pretty similar values. Still. There was an issue that some families were okay with their kids watching movies that I considered too violent/scary for mine. I was glad I was there to shepherd my kids away from that situation and distract them with something else.

 

I guess another way I would put this is, if I were the vacationing family, I probably wouldn't offer to take a friend's child on a trip like that because I wouldn't expecct them to take me up on it!

 

So how old are the extended family boys?

[ChristusG]

Definitely not. My reasons are....

 

1. That's a LONG ways away for a child who could be homesick.

2. That's a LONG time to be gone for a child who could be homesick.

3. I wouldn't want my child around a bunch of extended family that I do not know. We don't curse, drink, smoke....I wouldn't want the possibility of my child being around that.

4. The ocean. We live in FL....we do not swim in the ocean. We wade. I know lots of people who DO swim in the ocean. I wouldn't want my child to be with those people.