Can you really return a gift?

[SunshineMom]

My SIL texted me today letting me know that she is spring cleaning and wanted to know if I would like the handmade/custom stilts gifts my husband made for her three kids years ago back.  My husband spent a great deal of time making each of these stilts for all the nieces and nephews five years ago for Christmas. He did a great job customizing each one.  

 

I guess it just strikes me as rude, the stilts were given as gifts, we have no use for them. Is this an example of bad manners?  I would never return a gift to the sender especially homemade ones.  If I didn't want the gift anymore, I would just quietly get rid of it.

 

FYI-this SIL has never been that warm to me nor ever hosted holidays which included us whereas we have bent over backwards to be inclusive.  

 

I texted her back with, "Do as you see fit."

[HomeAgain]

What an interesting conundrum!  I am slightly sentimentally attached to my work.  I guess anyone who does a craft would have to be.  I think it was nice of your SIL to offer them back to the maker if she had no use for them any longer. It can be hard to keep things around, even lovely handmade things, when your kids outgrow them and you need more room for current items.

[Butter]

I think it's nice of her to offer.  She has no need for them anymore and she knows they are handmade so perhaps he might want them.  One Christmas I made a cross stitch for my ILs and then when they moved to Ireland we happened to notice they had stuck it in the trash can.  I really wish they had offered to give it back to me.  It took a LOT of hours (I grabbed it out of the trash and took it home).

[TrulySusan]

It's hard to know. I would think it is ok, but maybe not?

 

I have a gift I have considered returning, but so far have not. My ex SIL's grandma made me some beautiful baby blankets many years ago. SIL and DB divorced without kids,the grandma died, and sil is now remarried. I have many times considered offering these blankets to her, because her kids will never have blankets made by their great grandma. I love them, but they would obviously mean much more to her.

[Guest]

It's funny because we discussed this on the forum here before. A poster who is a knitter said she thinks people should offer back a hand-knitted gift if/when it is no longer desired by the recipient. The poster's logic was that it's a lot of work and momey invested and the knitter can unravel it and reuse the yearn. I'm in the other camp, especially for handmade gifts. If I made you something by hand, I'm giving it with my whole heart and don't want it back in the future. If I can't give something away with my whole heart, I won't give it away at all.*

 

 

 

*And I've learned this the hard way. I still make this mistake once in a while.

[Alice]

I can see where you would feel hurt especially if there isn't the best relationship there in the first place. But I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Gifts are tricky and it's hard to know what people want you to do with them. My SIL very much wants us to give anything back to her if we don't want it. This seems incredibly rude to me and I rebelled against it when I was first married but my husband told me that she would be more upset if she found out we gave things away or got rid of them. Sometimes it's a guessing game to think what the other person will want and what they will find rude. 

 

 

[Annie G]

Since the gifts are several years old the kids have probably outgrown their interest in them. It was nice of her to ask if you wanted them before she got rid of them, but I can see how it would hurt your feelings that she doesn't want them anymore. 

 

Like Quill, I have had to learn to give with no strings attached. My inlaws wanted me to make a quilt for them and I did but it sits unused while the one on their bed is in shreds. Literally shreds. Sister in law asked me if I can repair their old quilt. Nope.  But the one I gave them is theirs to use or not use.  I had to let go. 

[regentrude]

I actually think it was nice of her to offer to return them to you instead of throwing them away, donating them, or giving them to strangers. To me, it shows that she acknowledges and values the work your DH has put into the stilts.

I do not think it is reasonable to expect people to hang on forever to gift items that are no longer being used. Her kids have probably outgrown them, and she is decluttering. Offering them to the maker is a nice gesture.

I have a friend who is a gifted artisan and makes a lot of things. She would rather the items are returned to her than thrown in  the Goodwill pile.

 

Edited March 28, 2017 by regentrude

[MaryMak07]

I think it was nice of her to offer them back!

[catz]

I give hand made goods but wouldn't be offended if someone offered them back years later.  Especially if you have younger kids that might use them.  I once knit my step nephew a beautiful wool sweater.  When he outgrew it and I had a son approaching that age, my ex-SIL gave it back to me so my son could wear it.  I actually don't get along with that ex-SIL at all (her and my brother are attempting to re-unite I could go on and on.  LOL).  But that didn't offend me at all. 

 

I do agree hand made gifts should be given with an open heart without concern where they will end up.  I would have been totally fine had she not offered it to me too. 

[SunshineMom]

Thanks for helping me see why she may have wanted to return them.  We don't have a need for them so it seems better that she find new homes for them.  

[Okra]

I also think it was nice of her to offer them back.   

 

Your text back to her seemed a little off.  Maybe another text to soften it up a little? Many people on the hive don't necessarily think it was rude to offer them back.

[Ausmumof3]

I see this in a different way. If I had spent a lot of hours working in a gift I would much prefer someone offer me the opportunity to have it back and pass it on to someone I knew than quietly skip it down the op shop.

[teachermom2834]

SIL probably felt she was in a no win situation and erred on the side of checking with you rather than you finding out they went to Goodwill or sold for 50 cents at a garage sale.

 

Though your response did sound like she offended you so she probably regrets asking. Not saying you meant it that way but that is how it would come across to me.

[Ellie]

My SIL texted me today letting me know that she is spring cleaning and wanted to know if I would like the handmade/custom stilts gifts my husband made for her three kids years ago back.  My husband spent a great deal of time making each of these stilts for all the nieces and nephews five years ago for Christmas. He did a great job customizing each one.  

 

I guess it just strikes me as rude, the stilts were given as gifts, we have no use for them. Is this an example of bad manners?  I would never return a gift to the sender especially homemade ones.  If I didn't want the gift anymore, I would just quietly get rid of it.

 

FYI-this SIL has never been that warm to me nor ever hosted holidays which included us whereas we have bent over backwards to be inclusive.  

 

I texted her back with, "Do as you see fit."

 

Yes, it's an example of bad manners on her part. Also, good manners on your part.

[solascriptura]

I think it was nice of her to offer. She could have just thrown them away. Is it expected that people keep every gift (homemade or store bought) ever given to them?

[gardenmom5]

It's hard to know. I would think it is ok, but maybe not?

 

I have a gift I have considered returning, but so far have not. My ex SIL's grandma made me some beautiful baby blankets many years ago. SIL and DB divorced without kids,the grandma died, and sil is now remarried. I have many times considered offering these blankets to her, because her kids will never have blankets made by their great grandma. I love them, but they would obviously mean much more to her.

 

that would be a very gracious offer.   especially if you have a difficult relationship - this can go a long way towards softening things.  doesn't mean you need to be besties.  but such a gift that *her* deceased grandmother made and her children can use.  a woman to whom your own children have no connection.

 

I actually think it was nice of her to offer to return them to you instead of throwing them away, donating them, or giving them to strangers. To me, it shows that she acknowledges and values the work your DH has put into the stilts.

I do not think it is reasonable to expect people to hang on forever to gift items that are no longer being used. Her kids have probably outgrown them, and she is decluttering. Offering them to the maker is a nice gesture.

I have a friend who is a gifted artisan and makes a lot of things. She would rather the items are returned to her than thrown in  the Goodwill pile.

 

this.  benefit of doubt that she's trying to be kind by offering back something that was handmade that she thought would have meaning for you.

 

 

I was going through things, WITH my mother, just prior to her death.  she was in a much smaller apartment and we had to get rid of stuff.  I had no  idea the things she was putting in the discard pile were handmade by my niece. (my mother wasn't a sentimental person.)  she died two weeks later - and my niece wanted those items back because they had sentimental meaning to her.  I was sorry I hadn't known before, but they were gone.

[Anne in CA]

It's hard to know. I would think it is ok, but maybe not?

 

I have a gift I have considered returning, but so far have not. My ex SIL's grandma made me some beautiful baby blankets many years ago. SIL and DB divorced without kids,the grandma died, and sil is now remarried. I have many times considered offering these blankets to her, because her kids will never have blankets made by their great grandma. I love them, but they would obviously mean much more to her.

In this case I think I really would offer her one. I think that's a lovely thought.

[Seasider]

Maybe she thinks your kids would like them? I do think it's rather harsh. My mil has done that to me, saying, "well I know you like it since you picked it out." It stung. But this is the same one who brought travel souvenirs to every one but me (dh and all the kids), saying she just didn't know what size tshirt to buy me.

[Seasider]

In this case I think I really would offer her one. I think that's a lovely thought.

I do think that's very thoughtful of you, for obvious sentimental reasons.

[wintermom]

This is a little delicate, as the OP stated that these items were specially made for each child. They may have had names on them, special colours, etc. Those are harder to simply pass on to others. 

[SunshineMom]

They were each made specific with their names and decorated with each favorite activities at the time. Example: soccer balls, bats, violin, etc even their favorite colors.

[TrulySusan]

Those sound so awesome! Too bad their mom won't make room to keep them. That is the kind of thing I would put back for their kids to enjoy.

[SKL]

If her kids are past the age when they would be interesting, then why not?

My sister gave my kids personalized blankets when they were babies.  We used them as long as we could, but at some point it would have made sense to hand them down to my sister's kids, who are younger.  But I was afraid she would be offended.  So I have kept them.  On a shelf in the back of a closet.

 

I do hand down clothes and toys and such that she gives my kids, after they are outgrown.  If she gets offended by that, then she needs a better hobby.  :P

[solascriptura]

Yes, it's an example of bad manners on her part. Also, good manners on your part.

May I ask why you think her question was bad manners? I'm wondering if my reaction was wrong.

[maize]

I think the gesture was meant kindly--she was going to get rid of them but thought they might have some value to you/your husband because of the work put into them.

 

When my grandmother was downsizing she offered to return to me some gifts I had given her over the years, mementos from places I had lived. The offer was clearly with the thought that they might have some sentimental value to me and that I should have first dibs on them if she was giving them away.

[Guest]

To me, the lesson here is to not go overboard spending time on gifts. I've given and received gifts that took many hours to construct. They make people feel guilty if the gift they are giving is simple. They are hard to declutter years later (as your sil is finding out). They are rarely met with the appreciation many hours of work deserves.

 

I'm curious how long you think she should keep the stilts in her possession?

[Lanny]

I like to think that she did this as a courtesy to you and your DH and that if you had given them things you'd purchased in a store, and they outgrown whatever it was, she would have just tossed it and you would be fine with that. In this case, since your DH spent time and effort Custom Making the Stilts for them (I had stilts someone gave me when I was a boy), that she thought possibly he would like them back. Possibly he could have given them to someone else, if they were in good condition.  Possibly she could give them to some other kids, if they are in good condition. I think if they are in good condition, it would be a shame to just put them into the garbage. Many kids would enjoy using them.

[Farrar]

It sounds like there's backstory with the relationship there that may have colored the interaction. I think it might have been better if the sil could have defined why she was offering them (which I also thought was because she was read to pass them on and knew a great deal of work went into them) instead of assuming that the OP would get it. And then it might have been better if the OP hadn't been quite so curt in her response.

 

I don't know how anyone could think either of them were being rude or polite. It seems like it just was a moment of misunderstanding.

[Katy]

I think she meant this as a kindness too, and I would do my best to take it that way.  A gift is a gift, and no matter how much effort was put into them, once given, they belong to the person they were given to (or their parents, in the case of a child).  If the children aren't playing with an old toy anymore, I generally donate them.  If it was a handmade treasure too precious to give away, I might ask if the person who made it wanted it back before getting rid of it too.

 

Unwanted toys are clutter, not sentimental.  Especially if they are large like stilts.

[Bootsie]

The only way I would interpret this as rude would be if the gift had been given very recently.  If it had been this year's Christmas gift, it would appear as a "I don't want or appreciate your gift and never intend to use it."  But, if they were given five year ago, I would interpret as if she saw that the gifts were too special or meaningful to throw in the trash or just give away.  

[Plink]

I can't understand how SIL asking a simple question is rude.  She took time out of her day to add an extra step to her decluttering process. It would have been so much easier to just throw away the old toys, but she knew that they were handmade, and went out of her way to ask you.  She sounds thoughtful to me.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I can understand feeling it might be rude. Maybe she knows how much thought and work your Dh put into them and didn't want to just dump them off somewhere to donate.  Some people do feel the need to get rid of things once they are no longer being used, and it's really hard to keep everything that may be sentimental.  I am one of those people. :)

 

 

[Tanaqui]

I can see how asking you was rude. But really - it's been a few years. Surely the kids have outgrown them? (Then again, my kids spent a week arguing over stilts I thought they outgrew a decade ago and was sure I'd given away, so I clearly know nothing.)

 

Her thought process was probably "Oh, dear. We don't use these anymore, and they take up so much space. I should eBay them. But... nobody will buy them, they're so clearly personalized! I could toss them, but what if they ask about them? I've never been so close to his wife, she'll take it so personally. What if they want them back? This took a lot of work to do. I should ask them before they ask me."

Edited March 29, 2017 by Tanaqui

[Caclcoca]

It's hard to know. I would think it is ok, but maybe not?

 

I have a gift I have considered returning, but so far have not. My ex SIL's grandma made me some beautiful baby blankets many years ago. SIL and DB divorced without kids,the grandma died, and sil is now remarried. I have many times considered offering these blankets to her, because her kids will never have blankets made by their great grandma. I love them, but they would obviously mean much more to her.

I think this would be a nice gesture.  I would be over the moon if someone offered me a blanket that one of my grandmothers made.  

Edited March 29, 2017 by Caclcoca

[Carol in Cal.]

I think it was nice of her to offer since these were so personal and hand made.

It sounds like she did it nicely as well.

 

Because the alternatives are saving them, which for some reason she is not going to do, or getting rid of them, in which case they might mean more to you than to a stranger.

[LEK]

I personally feel that when it is a special hand made gift it is polite to ask assuming that gift is no longer needed.

If I put a lot of time and effort into a gift I would rather the recipient ask me in a few years if I would like it back vs them disposing of that item. Sure I may not want it back in which case I will politely let them know they are free to pass it on however they wish however there are certainly times when I would appreciate that gift back for one of various reasons rather than it be passed outside the family.

[Ellie]

May I ask why you think her question was bad manners? I'm wondering if my reaction was wrong.

 

This is how gift-giving and -receiving  works: You give a gift to someone. She thanks you. You have each done what you're supposed to do. Now the gift is hers to do with as she wishes, whether to keep it or give it to someone else or to donate it or to toss it, and you don't ask about it when you go to visit.

[Bootsie]

This is how gift-giving and -receiving  works: You give a gift to someone. She thanks you. You have each done what you're supposed to do. Now the gift is hers to do with as she wishes, whether to keep it or give it to someone else or to donate it or to toss it, and you don't ask about it when you go to visit.

If it is hers to do with as she wishes, how is it bad manners if she wishes to offer it to someone who she thinks (in this case incorrectly) may want it for sentimental reasons?  If it were something that OP really would like to have, would it have been bad manners for SIL to ask?  

[gardenmom5]

I'd like to just say one thing about "giving someone the benefit of the doubt" .. in this case, that she was trying to be thoughtful about an item your dh put a lot of work into, and which she no longer had use or wished to store.

 

life is much more pleasant when we give people the benefit of the doubt.  both for us, and the person to whom we are extending grace.

 

[DesertBlossom]

I wouldn't see that as rude. Maybe she thought you could use them? Do you have kids that age?

 

Years ago I bought a wooden horse while travelling abroad and gave it to me young niece and nephew. A couple years ago I saw it in their home (I had all but forgotten about it) and half-jokingly replied that if they ever wanted to get rid of it, before they gave it to goodwill to give it back to me. Well they are both off and married now and were getting rid of things and did give it back to me and I am pleased as punch.

[Liz CA]

Even if I had no use for something at the moment, any gift, especially handmade would always be treasured. I could not see myself returning it. I'd probably keep it for grandkids or visiting children..

[LucyStoner]

I think that for a handmade item that people outgrow without wearing it out, her offer was well intentioned and thoughtful.  

[marbel]

Even if I had no use for something at the moment, any gift, especially handmade would always be treasured. I could not see myself returning it. I'd probably keep it for grandkids or visiting children..

 

People can treasure the memory of something but still have reason to want/need to get rid of it.  

 

We have some kid-sized rocking chairs.  Not handmade, but the kids' names are painted on them.  I wish I could get rid of them but my husband and kids won't let me. We have space to store them, shoved back in our crawlspace.  But why?  Maybe my kids will want them for their as-yet-hypothetical kids.  Or maybe not.  I have fond memories of them in our old house, when the kids would sit in them and read.  But that time is over.  It seems silly to  me to hold on to them for 20+ years in the hope that someday someone else will use them.  

 

But on the other hand, don't touch the bins of legos, playmobil, or favorite picture books!  

 

It doesn't always make sense.  :-)    Everyone's thought process and reasons are different.   For me, maybe it's because the toys and books are easy to store whereas the chairs and bulky and odd-shaped.   

 

OP, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[magnificent_baby]

I would secretly hope someone offered back a hand made gift when they no longer wanted it. Even though I am fully aware the receiver has every right to do with it whatever he/she pleases, it would be a very kind gesture to offer it back.

 

Years ago DH and I spent weeks (months?) making 12 wooden snowman decorations. Some of our family members still use theirs, but I have loved to have been offered back the others if they didn't want them, as I would have saved them for my kids when they got older. They carry way more sentiment than other gifts we have given.

[LucyStoner]

This is how gift-giving and -receiving  works: You give a gift to someone. She thanks you. You have each done what you're supposed to do. Now the gift is hers to do with as she wishes, whether to keep it or give it to someone else or to donate it or to toss it, and you don't ask about it when you go to visit.

 

While this is true (and verbatim from Miss Manners), this is a handmade gift that the gift recipient might assume would have more sentimental value for the giver's family than her own.  There are exceptions to be found for every rule.  Yes, even in etiquette.  

 

Humans don't need to make life more difficult by reading bad manners into what could very easily just be a bit of awkwardness.  Miss Manners herself reflected that it was bad manners to get hung up on manners of others.  Etiquette is, at its heart, about making everyone feel as comfortable as possible.

 

I once gave my niece some very, very nice skates that I refurbished myself.  I appreciated that my brother offered to pass them down to my son when my niece had outgrown them. Not because he was under any obligation to do so. But because he knows that we like to skate and figured that we could save some time and money by not having to scout out the same size.  

[Annie G]

People can treasure the memory of something but still have reason to want/need to get rid of it.  

 

We have some kid-sized rocking chairs.  Not handmade, but the kids' names are painted on them.  I wish I could get rid of them but my husband and kids won't let me. We have space to store them, shoved back in our crawlspace.  But why?  Maybe my kids will want them for their as-yet-hypothetical kids.  Or maybe not.  I have fond memories of them in our old house, when the kids would sit in them and read.  But that time is over.  It seems silly to  me to hold on to them for 20+ years in the hope that someday someone else will use them.  

 

But on the other hand, don't touch the bins of legos, playmobil, or favorite picture books!  

 

It doesn't always make sense.  :-)    Everyone's thought process and reasons are different.   For me, maybe it's because the toys and books are easy to store whereas the chairs and bulky and odd-shaped.   

 

OP, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

When I was pregnant with oldest dd in 1983 a dear friend decorated a basket and added baby things to it. So that became dd's Easter basket. It was perfect- shallow and well made, decorated with pastel ribbons and lined with pretty fabric. Well dd is grown and has her own kids but doesn't need the clutter of a basket. She doesn't do Easter baskets for her kids. So I asked permission and the basket is now boxed up with candy in it, along with a note to the grands on its history and it will be an Easter surprise for them...as soon as I mail it.g   They can keep it or throw it away as they see fit, but I wanted one last chance to pass on my sentimental attachment. 

 

My attachment is twofold- it was dd's Easter basket her whole life, and the woman who made it taught me to make stained glass, weave baskets, throw pottery, and other stuff like that. I have fond memories of her!!

[heartlikealion]

Maybe this is more a personality thing than an etiquette thing. I would not want to be given back something (in general. There may be exceptions). Now I could maybe see taking the stilts back if they fit your own children or there's some other use for them, but I don't know if I would have bothered to ask if I were her as the whole thing is awkward. I do think she meant no harm, but I might also speculate that her local consignment/thrift store didn't accept them and she had no where else she could think of to donate them so I was the last effort before they went to the trash. Call me cynical.

 

My MIL gave us hand-me-down baby stuff (from dh's childhood) for ds to wear and most of it didn't get used. Dh didn't really care. A lot of it was quite dated. Little did I know a day would come she would ask for it back. I'm so glad we still had it. Then she gave us a couple of those items for dd. We took a pic of her wearing the moccasins and I set them aside to return and we did when she'd outgrown them. I didn't want anything to do with keeping up with items that were sentimental. I consider it a stressful burden.

 

It's funny how different we view these things. If I took back an item that had been discarded I might think about that rather than the gifting of it. I want to remember the gifting.