S/O having own space- Choosing to change the Mom is last in line dynamic

[sassenach]

Can we talk about this?

Context: My kids are all out of high school and I have been working full time for the last year. Our current state of affairs at home is dd28 and dd26 launched, ds23 has special needs (receives FT care in our home), ds20 went to cc last year and will be home at least through December, dd18 home for the summer. Dh works from home 1d/wk and out of the house 4d/wk, I work out of the house 4d/wk, and we have care for ds23 4d/wk. The end result of a juggling act of covering ds23's care. 

Problem: In a family dynamic that has featured me fitting myself around everyone else's schedules, needs, etc, I'm hitting a wall now that I have my own full time job. There are several examples, most of which do have solutions, but I'll start with the one that my brain/ego/heart is having the most trouble with. I am the dinner maker. When I was in school, I switched over to relying heavily on meal kits and I have continued to use them this year. They're ok. The price works and I love having guaranteed meals on hand. The problem is that I hate coming home from work and cooking. I'm tired. I have very little time to work out or fit in any other self-care. If feels like I come home, cook, clean up, get ready for bed. Other family members are not going to be able to take on this task for various reasons. So I was telling my friend about this and she suggested Factor. I looked into it and decided to give it a try (they give a pretty generous nurses discount). It hasn't come yet but somehow I already feel like a failure. Like my family is going to have to subsist off of microwave dinners because I'm tired. Now, I *know* this is a flawed way of thinking. They're all adults, everyone can feed themselves if they want to. After 26 years of being solely responsible for feeding all of these people, I'm realizing just how hard it is to pull my mom identity out of this. And I don't even like cooking! I am not a person who has every felt like my identity is linked to my cooking abilities (thinking of my Mexican MIL who literally shows love through food). 

Any commiseration out there? Or other examples of making this shift (big picture, not just the cooking thing)?

[Janeway]

Assign everyone a night a week to cook. You can even teach them how to. They can follow recipes. Then step back and things will work themselves out. The meals might not be perfect, but they will be good enough.

[Junie]

When my aunt had adult dc move back home, she assigned each person a night of the week to be responsible for family dinner.  She didn't care if they cooked, made sandwiches, ordered pizza -- so long as it was not her responsibility.

[Pawz4me]

Lots of commiseration. There are only three of us here, all adults (me, DH and DS24). Only DS works. I'm the cook. And I'm so dang tired of it. If I could choose to retire from only one aspect of my life it would be from cooking. I can't imagine dealing with a FT job and cooking dinner every night. For the summer I think I'd stock up on sandwich fixings, premade salads and precut fruit and say "there it is, help yourselves."

[maize]

I love Factor meals! If you cancel, they'll eventually offer you a $2.99-per-meal discount to get you back and you can stock up at that price before canceling again.

Since you don't have young kids, you could quite honestly just establish an everyone-fends-for-themself meal policy. You could choose one night a week to cook if you would like to, let the rest of the family know the other nights are open for anyone to cook but if no-one steps up every adult can feed themself (make accommodations as needed for your high needs son).

Being female doesn't mean you have an obligation to be an unpaid chef, housekeeper, etc. Families can share those burdens in various ways, and it might have made sense for you to do most of the cooking when you were not professionally employed full-time and when most family members were minors, but circumstances have changed.

[maize]

12 minutes ago, Janeway said:

Assign everyone a night a week to cook. 

See, I don't think wife/mom should be responsible for assigning. 

She just needs to let them know she's not carrying meal preparation responsibility for the whole family anymore. If someone else wants to propose a rotation and get buy-in, great. 

[vonfirmath]

I understand. I can cook -- it's not my favorite thing. My husband actually enjoys it more than me.

I have never lost the entire responsibility of cooking. But overtime I've become much more satisfied with "Everyone is fed" Sometimes my husband cooks. Sometimes we have sandwiches. Sometimes I make something. No matter who cooks, we try to have leftovers so there is not ALWAYS a "what is for dinner tonight" conversation.

My sister solved this by making a meal plan. So the decisions were made ahead of time but she still had to get it together until her kiddos were old enough to do it themselves. And sometimes she called her husband and had him bring DoubleDave's home because it was Just Too Much.

 

Just keep telling yourself: Everyone is fed. I am  not defined by the meals on the table. 

[Grace Hopper]

I definitely went through this and it was way harder on my family to adjust than it was for me to give it up, simply because they were conditioned to me being the dinner maker. 
 

I had to have a sit down with them and say it was time to divvy up the duties. So now we take turns with meal prep, dh cooking/prepping/picking up as much as I do, with college kid (and even houseguests) taking their turns in the kitchen when they’re here. It’s easier since we no longer have a house full of kids living at home full time. The others are willing to cook, but really did need a little finger snap to let them know I was on to a new job after retiring from being the full time homemaker and that I wouldn’t be making dinner every night. 
 

OP your situation is different since you do have some at home all day, I mean you need dinner and probably can’t just grab it on the fly as easily as dh and I do some days. My solution - which covers me for when it’s my turn to food prep - is to every now and then have a batch cooking day and get a few things made that some can be eaten that week and some portioned out and put in the freezer. That way there’s something to reheat in a pinch. 

Edited June 27, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[fraidycat]

I was working on teaching my kids independence and contribution to the household right about the time my DH retired from the military and decided he wanted to "do all the things" for the kids that he hadn't had time to do earlier.

So, rather than getting the kids to contribute and do a cooperative style of food and laundry chores, I completely "retired" from food responsibility. I still cook once in awhile, if and when I feel like it or am hungry for something in particular. I do not do the regular grocery shop, I do not worry about what we're having for any meal of the day. It is not my responsibility and I did kind of feel guilty about it for a little bit, but now everyone in my house works, drives, and  has bank accounts. DH grocery shops and has food in the house and cooks most meals. They can eat what DH cooks, prepare their own food, or grab take-out. I don't care what they do as long as I don't have to think about it.

I think it just mainly takes time to get past the flawed "I should" way of thinking. 
 

On the laundry thing: kids do their own. I do my own and sometimes DHs, or he'll toss a load in if I'm too slow getting to his stuff. 

Edited June 27, 2023 by fraidycat

[fairfarmhand]

Only thing I must add---Whoever cooks should NOT have to clean up.

The other adults who ate the food can divvy up the kitchen chores--putting away leftovers, sweeping, filling the dishwasher, wipong counters, and washing the pots. Seriously, if you divide it that way, kitchen cleanup should not take any one person more than 10 minutes, while one person doing it can spend over half an hour on these chores. 

 

[marbel]

It's hard to change the dynamic because people are used to it. When I went back to work after my kids were out of high school, it was a very hard adjustment for all because for 18+ years I had done all the cooking. It's just not easy to stop on a dime and readjust to new things. Some things I did with varying success:

- stocked convenience foods - curry packets, frozen mini pizzas, sausages that could be heated and eaten

- cooked a large roast (beef, ham, etc), sliced it, and had that and other sandwich and salad stuff available; same with grilling chicken

- cooked freezable things like mac and cheese and froze in serving sizes

- told people they were on their own whatever days of the week I knew would not work for me to be involved in food prep

- sent people to the store more - this was hard because I like shopping and knowing what I can substitute if what's on the list is not available

I did not assign weekly cooking to anyone. We all had flexible/changeable schedules so it would be changing all the time. I did not want to add inflexibility to my life. 

My daughter has since moved out but my son is still here. He's gotten very good at fending for himself; occasionally cooks, accepts with good cheer whatever is offered to him, and helps a ton. 

[Grace Hopper]

7 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Only thing I must add---Whoever cooks should NOT have to clean up.

The other adults who ate the food can divvy up the kitchen chores--putting away leftovers, sweeping, filling the dishwasher, wipong counters, and washing the pots. Seriously, if you divide it that way, kitchen cleanup should not take any one person more than 10 minutes, while one person doing it can spend over half an hour on these chores. 

 

This makes sense if one person is cooking for all the others who do come home for dinner each evening. A kindness to the cook. 

Our rule is opposite - you work in the kitchen, you clean up the kitchen. Because the who-you’re-cooking-for is truly different around here each night, it can be as simple as someone cooking for just themself, ir it’s just me and dh, or I can come home to a dozen young adults sitting around the dinner table. They all know they are welcome in my kitchen AND that cleanup is part of the meal experience. 

[Carol in Cal.]

There are four adults in the house.  Personally I would not accept the idea that only I could do this, especially if I truly couldn't. 

But barring that as an option, I would look for a personal chef service.  Those go shopping weekly, buy all the things you will need, spend about half a day or a little more making all the meals for the week, and leave fresh hot food for that night, reheatable meals in the fridge for the following two nights, with detailed instructions, and frozen meals in the freezer for the other 3-4 nights.  You can ask them for specific meal recipes, and you can ask them to pick up other things for you at the store.  

I've never done this but have known people who provided that service, and it's awesome.  Something has to give here.  Better some money than your sanity.

Edited June 28, 2023 by Carol in Cal.

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

Lots of commiseration. There are only three of us here, all adults (me, DH and DS24). Only DS works. I'm the cook. And I'm so dang tired of it. If I could choose to retire from only one aspect of my life it would be from cooking. I can't imagine dealing with a FT job and cooking dinner every night. For the summer I think I'd stock up on sandwich fixings, premade salads and precut fruit and say "there it is, help yourselves."

Me to.

The other adults minus the special needs adult have jobs and can contribute. So regardless of their circumstances, I would assign each one a night per week, and if it is take out they bring home, then so be it. They are capable of grabbing a deli platter and salads on the way home. If they lived alone, they would have to deal with feeding themselves even if it wasn't convenient or easy.

[sassenach]

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, sassenach said:

Or other examples of making this shift (big picture, not just the cooking thing)?

Cooking wasn’t an issue because we do takeout if I am tired. I just say I am on strike 🤣 Besides, DS18 does like to cook.
Vacation was an issue and I had to demand for a vacation when I need one. My husband never had a vacation growing up because his parents are tightwads on their kids. So my husband doesn’t see vacation as a priority.

Buying things for me was an issue. My husband is always worrying about overpaying and the easiest way was to just have fun money for me.  Like to him Starbucks frappe is an expensive sugar drink but to me, buying a frappe less than once a month is a nice treat for myself. 
So frustrating as it is, making sure my needs are met and letting my husband know when I am annoyed helps. His mom was unhappy being last priority but didn’t dare to kick a fuss until his dad retired. 

[sassenach]

53 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Me to.

The other adults minus the special needs adult have jobs and can contribute. So regardless of their circumstances, I would assign each one a night per week, and if it is take out they bring home, then so be it. They are capable of grabbing a deli platter and salads on the way home. If they lived alone, they would have to deal with feeding themselves even if it wasn't convenient or easy.

 

1 hour ago, Junie said:

When my aunt had adult dc move back home, she assigned each person a night of the week to be responsible for family dinner.  She didn't care if they cooked, made sandwiches, ordered pizza -- so long as it was not her responsibility.

Everyone has variable schedules, with no consistency on who is home for dinner which nights. They're good about helping with shopping (mostly because they need lunch food). For that reason (and because they're working full time hours plus taking summer classes) assigning meals is not a hill I'm going to die on.

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

Lots of commiseration. There are only three of us here, all adults (me, DH and DS24). Only DS works. I'm the cook. And I'm so dang tired of it. If I could choose to retire from only one aspect of my life it would be from cooking. I can't imagine dealing with a FT job and cooking dinner every night. For the summer I think I'd stock up on sandwich fixings, premade salads and precut fruit and say "there it is, help yourselves."

Yes, that's the general feeling!

1 hour ago, maize said:

I love Factor meals! If you cancel, they'll eventually offer you a $2.99-per-meal discount to get you back and you can stock up at that price before canceling again.

Since you don't have young kids, you could quite honestly just establish an everyone-fends-for-themself meal policy. You could choose one night a week to cook if you would like to, let the rest of the family know the other nights are open for anyone to cook but if no-one steps up every adult can feed themself (make accommodations as needed for your high needs son).

Being female doesn't mean you have an obligation to be an unpaid chef, housekeeper, etc. Families can share those burdens in various ways, and it might have made sense for you to do most of the cooking when you were not professionally employed full-time and when most family members were minors, but circumstances have changed.

Thanks for the tip! I'm really hoping this is a good solution for us. Yes and amen to that last paragraph!

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

I definitely went through this and it was way harder on my family to adjust than it was for me to give it up, simply because they were conditioned to me being the dinner maker. 
 

I had to have a sit down with them and say it was time to divvy up the duties. So now we take turns with meal prep, dh cooking/prepping/picking up as much as I do, with college kid (and even houseguests) taking their turns in the kitchen when they’re here. It’s easier since we no longer have a house full of kids living at home full time. The others are willing to cook, but really did need a little finger snap to let them know I was on to a new job after retiring from being the full time homemaker and that I wouldn’t be making dinner every night. 
 

OP your situation is different since you do have some at home all day, I mean you need dinner and probably can’t just grab it on the fly as easily as dh and I do some days. My solution - which covers me for when it’s my turn to food prep - is to every now and then have a batch cooking day and get a few things made that some can be eaten that week and some portioned out and put in the freezer. That way there’s something to reheat in a pinch. 

I think batch cooking may be more manageable when it's just dh and I. Really, everything will be more manageable, lol!

1 hour ago, fraidycat said:

I was working on teaching my kids independence and contribution to the household right about the time my DH retired from the military and decided he wanted to "do all the things" for the kids that he hadn't had time to do earlier.

So, rather than getting the kids to contribute and do a cooperative style of food and laundry chores, I completely "retired" from food responsibility. I still cook once in awhile, if and when I feel like it or am hungry for something in particular. I do not do the regular grocery shop, I do not worry about what we're having for any meal of the day. It is not my responsibility and I did kind of feel guilty about it for a little bit, but now everyone in my house works, drives, and  has bank accounts. DH grocery shops and has food in the house and cooks most meals. They can eat what DH cooks, prepare their own food, or grab take-out. I don't care what they do as long as I don't have to think about it.

I think it just mainly takes time to get past the flawed "I should" way of thinking. 
 

On the laundry thing: kids do their own. I do my own and sometimes DHs, or he'll toss a load in if I'm too slow getting to his stuff. 

It is a flawed way of thinking! And it's stickier than I hoped!

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

Only thing I must add---Whoever cooks should NOT have to clean up.

The other adults who ate the food can divvy up the kitchen chores--putting away leftovers, sweeping, filling the dishwasher, wipong counters, and washing the pots. Seriously, if you divide it that way, kitchen cleanup should not take any one person more than 10 minutes, while one person doing it can spend over half an hour on these chores. 

 

I had a decent sized meltdown over this about a month ago and ds (who was the main non-contributor) has been much better about pitching in.

 

Edited June 27, 2023 by sassenach

[sassenach]

10 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Cooking wasn’t an issue because we do takeout if I am tired. I just say I am on strike 🤣 Besides, DS18 does like to cook.
Vacation was an issue and I had to demand for a vacation when I need one. My husband never had a vacation growing up because his parents are tightwads on their kids. So my husband doesn’t see vacation as a priority.

Buying things for me was an issue. My husband is always worrying about overpaying and the easiest way was to just have fun money for me.  Like to him Starbucks frappe is an expensive sugar drink but to me, buying a frappe less than once a month is a nice treat for myself. 
So frustrating as it is, making sure my needs are met and letting my husband know when I am annoyed helps. His mom was unhappy being last priority but didn’t dare to kick a fuss until his dad retired. 

I'm the tightwad, haha. Dh has no problem ordering out but I start to panic when it gets excessive. 

I also really want to hire house cleaners but also keep putting it off because I'm cheap...

[fraidycat]

4 minutes ago, sassenach said:

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

Mental hurdle- Yes and no. It depends on my mood and self-talk for the day (thanks perimenopause and hormones!). Some days I'm a failure just because. Other days I'm a huge success. Like, the whole point of a being a mom is to work yourself out of a job. You still love and support them, but you've raised adults, not children. So they (except for DS23) should be capable of feeding themselves at minimum OR cooking dinner for the whole family at least a couple times/month. At this point, it should not all rest on your shoulders.

[sassenach]

1 minute ago, fraidycat said:

Mental hurdle- Yes and no. It depends on my mood and self-talk for the day (thanks perimenopause and hormones!). Some days I'm a failure just because. Other days I'm a huge success. Like, the whole point of a being a mom is to work yourself out of a job. You still love and support them, but you've raised adults, not children. So they (except for DS23) should be capable of feeding themselves at minimum OR cooking dinner for the whole family at least a couple times/month. At this point, it should not all rest on your shoulders.

Love this reframing. This is excellent.

[vonfirmath]

21 minutes ago, sassenach said:

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

It was a mental hurdle. I got over it because I don't enjoy cooking and so I decided to be okay.

 

[Arcadia]

7 minutes ago, sassenach said:

I'm the tightwad, haha. Dh has no problem ordering out but I start to panic when it gets excessive. 

I also really want to hire house cleaners but also keep putting it off because I'm cheap...

For take out, we have a loose limit of four meals a week unless we are sick. Maybe set a weekly or monthly budget for take out, that helps my husband. We base that estimate on what it would typically cost us to eat at Panda Express or at In-N-Out burger. 

My parents hired house cleaners to deep clean once a month. My dad could easily do the daily housekeeping tasks. My home need to be deep clean but my husband need to declutter first.

[marbel]

 ETA: I misunderstood the question! 

Edited June 27, 2023 by marbel

[Carrie12345]

38 minutes ago, sassenach said:

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

Nope.  
When I enrolled in school full time, I started Dinnerly kits. Dh, dd20, ds16, and ds12 got handed the week’s recipes (that I picked), fought out who would cook what, and put their days on the calendar. I’d figure out another dinner or two, then do leftovers, takeout, or fend for yourself nights.

We haven’t been doing that much lately, but will probably go back in the fall.

The boys take forever to cook, but they get it done.

 I’m a mom, not a servant. They’re learning to become adults and I’m learning to have my own thing. 

[Grace Hopper]

35 minutes ago, sassenach said:

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

Well yeah, it would be easy to lay guilt on myself. It was very helpful to actually have a sit down and get the words out. “Full time homemaker was my job for three decades. Now I have a different job, now I’m in a different season of life. The homemaker tasks are job duties that no longer apply to my current job.”

For dh, specifically, I reminded him of the days pre-kids, when we both worked 60 hour weeks and shared all the household responsibilities. That we were now come back around to that type of situation. It was also a good time to bring up retirement expectations. I know a lot of men who retire and do their putt-around retirement hobbies while the wife is still expected to do all the homemaker chores and the husband just gets a full service life. We discussed how that was only “retirement” for one party. 
 

(Now I know some of you are natural homemakers and really do enjoy that, and will continue all the meal prep etc all your days. It was fulfilling to me to serve my growing and fledging family. But I was not raised to be a homemaker, and I’d like to reclaim other aspects of myself in the last third of my life.)

[KungFuPanda]

If you can work full time and pull this off, WHY can’t the other three able bodied adults in your house handle one dinner a week? That would cut you back to one night of cooking (make enough for leftovers) and one take-out night a week. It doesn’t matter if it’s inconvenient for them, or even difficult. It’s inconvenient and difficult for you too. Even if they have weird schedules, they have an hour somewhere in the week to make a meatloaf and freeze it. They all have YouTube. They don’t have to KNOW anything. They can even simplify and make the same meal every Monday for a month. If one person does spaghetti every Monday, another does tacos every Tuesday, and a third does a sandwich and salad night it with cut your workload by a lot. If they can’t be home, they can prep it and leave it for the rest of the family. It’s never too late to learn that everyone deserves respect. 

[Acadie]

Yes, I can totally commiserate with being completely ready to set down responsibility and flexibility from past phases of our family life, but feeling some persisting sense of responsiblity/guilt and also having medical needs in the family that make having healthy food available still important. In my case, it's dd20's Long Covid (healthy diet makes a huge difference, but complicated by fatigue and need to adjust activity levels by the day, including horizontal vs. upright time).

Love the previous poster saying one of our jobs as mamas is to put ourselves out of a job. Increasing independence in a supported way is always one of my top parenting priorities with teens and 20s.

Being able to understand and communicate our own individual needs and preferences, and to hear and consider other people's, is also among the top developmental growth areas for teens and 20s. So I'm trying to talk more as a family about both cleaning and cooking, figuring out how to work out new arrangements. There are so many things that can change--in which areas are people able and interested in contributing? What level of cleanliness and what kinds of available food and flexibility work best for everyone? Needs vs. wants (you and/or dh may be figuring some of this out for your ds23)? 

As a concrete example from my family, dd20 cleans the kitchen when she can, but that's not every day if she needs to rest more. But sitting down to fold laundry is almost always doable for her, and she spontaneously decides to make a big dinner with leftovers every couple weeks. 

For food prep, what's helping us these days other than frozen food, is to do a protein blitz every 1-2 weeks. For some reason fend-for-yourself is easier with our diets if we have premade proteins to throw over salad greens, on a tortilla with cheese, or in a bowl with leftover rice or pasta. We boil a dozen eggs, grill a few pounds of chicken or beef, and cook several pounds of ground beef or turkey. Dh likes grilling and boiled eggs, so he does those, and we freeze whatever we won't eat in the next couple days.

Once a week we usually make a giant fruit salad, wash salad greens and prep veggies sticks. With yummy dressings and sauces it's not hard for anyone to fend for themselves several nights a week, and still have family dinners some nights. 

These concrete suggestions may not work for you, but maybe some of your people will surprise you with their own ideas on how to streamline or what they can contribute. If someone's up for making a big pot of chili on a night when others are busy, it could go in the freezer and still be a welcome contribution. 

Edited June 27, 2023 by Acadie

[Bambam]

I would have a family meeting with a blank menu for the week. Explain that everyone needs to step up to help prepare meals. 
 
Everyone makes a list of common meals. Include ones that take some time (minimal) to cook, and some that are 'emergency/fast' meals (for us that is quesadillas, scrambled eggs/bacon/biscuits, bean burritos, etc)

Everyone signs up for their night to make supper and lists what they plan to make.

Everyone adds needed items to grocery list. Someone volunteers to go this week. 

Consider also maybe having a weekend meal prep session - everyone helps out making a bunch of chicken spaghetti, freeze it in appropriate sized portions, done. 

 

[Grace Hopper]

28 minutes ago, Bambam said:

I would have a family meeting with a blank menu for the week. Explain that everyone needs to step up to help prepare meals. 
 
Everyone makes a list of common meals. Include ones that take some time (minimal) to cook, and some that are 'emergency/fast' meals (for us that is quesadillas, scrambled eggs/bacon/biscuits, bean burritos, etc)

Everyone signs up for their night to make supper and lists what they plan to make.

Everyone adds needed items to grocery list. Someone volunteers to go this week. 

Consider also maybe having a weekend meal prep session - everyone helps out making a bunch of chicken spaghetti, freeze it in appropriate sized portions, done. 

 

You could combine this idea with one above - having the same meal on a regular night each week, like taco Tuesday - and only have to meet and plan once a month. 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

(Now I know some of you are natural homemakers and really do enjoy that, and will continue all the meal prep etc all your days. It was fulfilling to me to serve my growing and fledging family. But I was not raised to be a homemaker, and I’d like to reclaim other aspects of myself in the last third of my life.)

That’s a good point. I was not raised to be a homemaker. I was raised to participate in care of the family home. For my 20-something years of being home. I’ve felt split between being grateful that I was able and being annoyed that my family didn’t do much to participate.  
  
On the bright side, I did teach them the skills, they just didn’t get a lot of practice. Last semester we introduced the cooking responsibly. Next semester it will be other work around the house. They no longer have a full time homemaker. I have full time responsibilities beyond them. They would have survived the past couple of decades if I worked. They’ll survive the remaining few years. 

[Faith-manor]

Can each of the other adults make a meal in their off time that goes into the freezer? This way they can do it at non meal times, and then someone else gets it out to thaw, and you can toss it in the oven when you get home. Now would be a great time to have lasagna and what not in the freezer, then keep bags of salad mix and pre chopped veg around. Everyone gets a serving of the freezer entree and makes themselves a nice salad. Frozen bread sticks, steam able bags of veg. Bowl of fresh fruit. Keep it simple, and then with the frozen casseroles and what not, meal time is very very easy. Beef and veggie stew, fried rice with chicken and veg, taco meat and beans, enchilada casserole, lots of options they might be able to tackle without taking up a huge amount of time in their spare moments.

[lmrich]

One year we went to the beach for a week. Each family member had kitchen duty for the whole -planned all the meals, put the ingredients on the shopping list, shopped as a family, made the food, cleaned up. The last day was leftovers.  Best vacation ever! 

I know you are not asking about vacation, but having someone plan and cook and clean was the best! 

[ScoutTN]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Only thing I must add---Whoever cooks should NOT have to clean up.

The other adults who ate the food can divvy up the kitchen chores--putting away leftovers, sweeping, filling the dishwasher, wipong counters, and washing the pots. Seriously, if you divide it that way, kitchen cleanup should not take any one person more than 10 minutes, while one person doing it can spend over half an hour on these chores. 

 

Amen! 

[katilac]

38 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Can each of the other adults make a meal in their off time that goes into the freezer?  

This is a brilliant solution to varying schedules. 

[Ausmumof3]

3 hours ago, sassenach said:

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

I think the way you’re feeling is kind of logical. You shouldn’t feel guilty because you’re working and you can’t cook. No point feeling guilty about not being able to do the impossible. It still feels like a failure because eating take away or packet meals is not ideal for health. It’s not a failure of you or your family but a failure of society to arrange itself in a way that means people can do self care effectively (healthy meals is pretty high on the list of self-care things for me). 
 

We’re in a short term similar situation while I do placement and it’s not great. I don’t feel any guilt about it because it’s not my fault or something I can help but I’m not happy about the situation because we’re not eating very well.  My DD has stepped up a lot but I feel bad that it’s landed on the only girl in the family. (Oldest DS has a pretty heavy school load this year, and is less reliable so he’s done some but much less).

[Bambam]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Only thing I must add---Whoever cooks should NOT have to clean up.

The other adults who ate the food can divvy up the kitchen chores--putting away leftovers, sweeping, filling the dishwasher, wipong counters, and washing the pots. Seriously, if you divide it that way, kitchen cleanup should not take any one person more than 10 minutes, while one person doing it can spend over half an hour on these chores. 

 

I think this only works if you have people who cook/clean up while cooking roughly the same way. One of my kids did not clean as she goes, so she may have lots of extra stuff and a major mess everywhere vs. someone who cleans as they go. She is getting better, but she still has a way to go. Living on her own for the last 9 months helped, but the cleaning, rinsing, etc - still are not things she thinks and does automatically.  I really really don't want to clean up after she cooks. 

We used to do that - whoever cooked did not have to clean, but when she was 'in-training' - I was often there in the kitchen reminding her to put some water into that bowl as it can be soaking and it will be easier to clean. Stop at this step and put those dishes in the dishwasher and wipe off the counter so you have more clean space to continue. These things are still not habit to her though. 

[Tap]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Only thing I must add---Whoever cooks should NOT have to clean up.

The other adults who ate the food can divvy up the kitchen chores--putting away leftovers, sweeping, filling the dishwasher, wipong counters, and washing the pots. Seriously, if you divide it that way, kitchen cleanup should not take any one person more than 10 minutes, while one person doing it can spend over half an hour on these chores. 

 

I’m the opposite on if I cook, I will do my own dishes. I would rather have a whole day off, than be in the kitchen leas time, but still every day. I also tend to be a fast, but messy cook. Bf is cleaner but takes longer. I feel bad if I leave a mess for someone else, so I generally help on my days no matter what, which means I will always be cooking/cleaning.

[Not_a_Number]

5 hours ago, maize said:

See, I don't think wife/mom should be responsible for assigning. 

She just needs to let them know she's not carrying meal preparation responsibility for the whole family anymore. If someone else wants to propose a rotation and get buy-in, great. 

Not only should she not be responsible, but I know that in my family, assigning it would result in resentment. I know my family isn't the easiest, but I can't imagine we're totally unique, either. 

I don't have adult children yet, so you can take this with a boulder of salt, but I think that if I wanted to sort something like this out, I'd have a family meeting in which I'd describe the issue, describe my own constraints after figuring them out (you might find, after thinking about it, that you do want to cook once a week or something!), and then be unapologetic about it. Then, after everyone has finished fussing, I'd ask people to troubleshoot with me and see what they came up with. 

[iamonlyone]

Yes, I commiserate with the big-picture question (changing the "mom is last in line" dynamic). We don't have the cooking issue, since we're empty nesters now, but I do tend to take care of everyone else before myself — whether it's preferences for scheduling a get together to where (or if) we eat out to buying things for myself (so much harder for me to spend $ on myself than on my family). It's a process for sure.

I'm trying to do the difficult mental work of learning/truly understanding that I am mentally and physically healthier when I take care of myself, and my health — in turn — is a huge gift to my family.

[Lady Marmalade]

Commiseration here. When I started working full time in the restaurant, I didn't want to cook at home every day, let along come up with meal ideas and grocery shop, so we tried Hello Fresh, and that worked for a while before we got tired of what they were offering.  When I added full time school to my docket, I added Hello Fresh back in because I had no brain power left to do anything about food, only, they still needed to be prepared! One night I was looking at the hours of schoolwork I had in front of me when DH asked about dinner and I kinda snapped and said that I bought Hello Fresh meals because anyone could pull one out of the fridge and make one.  So he did.  And it was terrible, because he's not an amazing cook and that rice was crunchy and the squash was undercooked too.  Blech.  Anyways, after that, we tired of the meals anyway and canceled.  

Instead, I contracted with a cleaning service to clean my house every other week, and that was the game-changer for my mental health.  I was getting weighed down by needing to come home from work, tackle my schoolwork, and do housework PLUS come up with meals. Dinners became very simple affairs, plus since it was just DH and I, we simply needed to communicate what was going on.  We have been eating  a lot of bagged salads, sausages, etc. If I am at work over dinner, he is on his own to find something to eat.  If one of us feels like cooking, we let the other know what we're making.  Now DD is back home AND her BF has moved in with her.  He seems to have peculiar tastes, so we're really just in the "I'm making XYZ for dinner, so help yourself if you want" phase.  Right now DH works out of town M-F, so I find myself eating a lot of cereal or eggs for dinner.  I'm ok with that for now. It doesn't make a lot of dishes and I don't go to bed hungry, so it serves its purpose.  This week I made a batch of sloppy joe for Sunday's dinner, and I've eaten it ever since.   

[Carol in Cal.]

Maybe you like to cook.  I do.  Maybe you like to feed people.  I do, too.

Maybe there is other stuff that you hate more.

I'd suggest having a sit down with yourself and listing out what you do all the time, and which parts you like, are meh about, and actively hate.  Then focus on offloading the stuff you actively hate.

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Maybe you like to cook.  I do.  Maybe you like to feed people.  I do, too.

Maybe there is other stuff that you hate more.

I'd suggest having a sit down with yourself and listing out what you do all the time, and which parts you like, are meh about, and actively hate.  Then focus on offloading the stuff you actively hate.

Carol is wise. If I could unload that which I actively hate, a lot of other things would be happening around here! Mark's schedule just does not lend itself to getting off work in time to worry about cooking during the week. But he is doing more on the weekends and that is helping my mental health. If I could off load more of my mother and mother in law duties, I wouldn't resent cooking, meal planning, and grocery shopping so much.

[DawnM]

We make dinner about 3 nights per week.   The other nights are fend for yourself, although we make enough for leftovers.   DS19 is home for the summer, working.   He gets one free meal at work and 50% off meals he buys.   Sometimes I have him get the family meal for 50% off.  I need to do that more often.   Heck, I could meal prep from the family meal! (he works at Viva Chicken)

DS19 is also a body builder, so he is eating a LOT of meals and loves to cook and when he is in his "cutting" phase (cut muscles) he won't eat much of what we make anyway.   

DS25/ASD is home but he will eat a sandwich or make soup or something.

DS23 is not home as much.

I always think I am going to get crock pot meals together and meal prep.   It hasn't happened since I went back to work.

[HomeAgain]

ETA: There should have been a quote in here from @Janeway and I don't know where it went!  But do assign everyone who can a night to cook.

 

This. 

It makes a huge difference.  When we did meal kits, every person who could cook picked one meal for the box.  They were responsible for making it.  Right now, we have 4 adults and a teen living here.  Everyone is awake/working at a different time, so it usually falls on me to do the grocery shopping.  But dh and I sat down oldest ds and his gf and asked them to pick one night they would be responsible for.  Right now, it's Tuesdays .  It's great for me because I don't have to fit in cooking before taking youngest ds to his activity and after tutoring.  I just can finish, eat, take care of clean up while ds gets ready, and then run back out the door.  That's the other carrot - those cooking don't have to clean up.  The people eating are responsible for that part.

Right now, dh cooks 2-3 nights a week, ds&gf cook 1 night, I have ds13 help me 2 nights, and 1 night I cook alone or we eat leftovers.  I'm not a great cook but I'm now competent enough.  It's not my favorite thing in the world.  Sometimes we just get what I call 'food ennui', where nobody cares what is on the table or even if we eat.  The hotter it is outside, the more chance of ennui.  Those are the nights of frozen pizza and I'm good with that.

 

Edited June 28, 2023 by HomeAgain

[elegantlion]

I despise cooking. For years, I was the one responsible for dinner and if ex-dh made something it was a production because he was helping me out. We had a tight budget and he wanted dinner just-so. He would nitpick my food choices. One of our last fights was about food. So, I have issues when it comes to dinner prep. 

With my new SO, he was cooking every night. His mom lived next door (she has Alzheimer's) and he was cooking for her, so he just started cooking for me. It is a joyous thing, I no longer had to cook. Now that his mom is in a nursing home, he visits her after work and I make my own dinner on most nights. It's no big deal. At the beginning of our relationship, I had to get over the guilt of not cooking for him. 

In your situation, I'd have a family meeting, brainstorm some solutions where others pitch in cooking, and implement them. You shouldn't feel guilty about doing so or needing to do so. Start with meal prep kits, put a limit on take out, maybe 1-2 nights per week. Then reevaluate after a few weeks. 

 

 

[Spryte]

19 hours ago, sassenach said:

So those of you who can commiserate, is it a mental hurdle for you? In one way I have no guilt over not cooking for grown adults, but on the other hand it still feels like a failure? How do we move into caring for ourselves ahead of the family when we've been doing the opposite all these years?

 

This isn’t about cooking, but more big picture. I struggled with the mental hurdles about finding time to exercise, creating space for myself to recharge, and more. It finally hit a breaking point maybe 7 years ago, and I just did what I needed to do for myself. At first, I thought it was selfish, then I thought of it like an oxygen mask — put your own on first. It was absolutely necessary. 

Can you think of dividing up the cooking (etc) chores that way? 

I don’t have answers about cooking — that’s an area I still struggle and we use a lot of shortcuts here — but we did hire cleaners again. They come every two weeks, and even do a load of laundry while they are here. We keep things tidy in between, but they do the bulk of the cleaning.
 

 

[SHP]

I stopped. This includes mental energy devoted to making a list of things and setting up a schedule for help as well. I do not believe in putting in more effort to get someone to do something than they put in in doing it.

Then I let go of having the house kept to my personal standards. I apply the saying "Those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter." Obviously, I clean up the disgusting things like cat poop in the shower. General clutter that doesn't attract bugs? Meh. If I really care and have no time, I have basement stairs with a door and I chuck stuff down and close the door. 

My breaking point was when one teen insisted I should buy a rotating magnet and that *I* should make sure to rotate it to the correct setting so they would know when the dishwasher was running, or clean and ready to unload, or loading. The dishwasher has a light to show it is running and a light next to the word "clean" to show it is clean. When no lights are on it is loading. <.< I came very close to designing an entire unit based on this complete with pictures of the dishwasher made into coloring sheets with instructions like "Color the light that indicates when the dishwasher is running" and "color the light that indicates the dishwasher is clean" "color the lights that are on to know when it is loading" "color the light for X setting" and vocabulary sheets "Define the following words: clean, dirty, running, start, sanitize, load, unload etc". And draw the hands on the clock to indicate what time the dishwasher is started each day and indicate if this is AM or PM. Write an essay detailing the proper procedure for dealing with dishes if you prepare and eat food after the dishwasher has been started for the night.

Cooking is more of a family effort now and I no longer deal with the day to day of cleaning the kitchen and just take my turn on deep cleaning. Ironically, today is my turn to deep clean and I am on here instead. Wee! It really will not take that long but I will just put it off until the last second and then do it in about 15 minutes. I have no clue where my offspring learned that behavior from.