Regrets. Mid-life crisis?

[Garga]

I turned 50 in December. It was just a number at first, but now it’s not. 

Over the past month and a half, I’ve been feeling off. I think constantly about how very little time I have left here on this earth. Even if I live to 80, that’s only 30 years. At age 50, I realize how very fast that time will pass. 

I’ve been married for 30 years (got married at 19), and I look back at all the years that I was dissatisfied with things about my husband and I see how selfish I often was. Sure, he made mistakes as a husband, but I also made many as a wife and I feel a sense of regret at the wasted time and my lack of grace toward him. I was 19 when I got married and rather immature, so it took me a good 15 years to stop acting a bit like a baby about things. I regret all that. I got better, but I could be kinder and gentler. 

The kids are 20 and almost 18 (next month). I’ve somewhat smothered the oldest for the past 2 years and…I regret that, too. Though, he has needed a lot (a lot) of scaffolding as he has navigated college. He has ADHD, depression, and anxiety and the simplest of tasks for other people is like slogging through mud pits for him. Everything he does takes so much effort. I’ve tried to support without smothering, but it is so hard to find the balance.

I want so much to see him fly, but he’s so wobbly and I feel like I’m constantly mis-stepping and messing up with him. Just this morning: he’s taking an antibiotic for acne and he said that he was having trouble getting through to the pharmacy to refill it and wasn’t sure what to do. I said, “How many pills do you have left?” and he said, “Oh, I’ve been out for a few days,” and I said (because I was shocked), “It’s an antibiotic! You have to take that consistently! You shouldn’t stop taking it and start up again.” Of course (duh) his face shut down and he said, “Yup. I’ll get it filled today.” I softened my tone and answered what he had actually asked, “Yeah, if you can’t get through on the phone, just drive over to the pharmacy and give them the empty bottle and they’ll refill it..” And he just repeated, “Yup. I’ll get it filled today.” And so, there I am thinking, “Welp that went badly. You just messed up AGAIN.” But at the same time, he’s wobbling so much as he tries to fly.

Lately, I look around and feel like all I can see are the mistakes I’ve made and keep making. Sometimes I’m fine, but other times I walk around on the verge of tears for hours at a time.

Is it depression? Pre-menopause? (I take BC pills, so they keep me very regular and it’s hard to tell if I’m having any menopausal symptoms.) Mid-life crisis? I don’t know. But I’m feeling a general sense of being unsettled and I wanted to write it all out and see if others have felt this way. 

I look ahead and think that perhaps I’ll live 30 more years, but how many of them will be filled with medical conditions? Ages 70-80 might be filled with dealing with my body breaking down or my dh’s body. There could be precious little time left.

I have a job that I adore and am well-suited for. It takes up 40-50 hours of my week. I love working at this job and don’t want to give it up. This just means that I’m not ready to throw off working and devote my remaining years to a “meaningful” cause. I get a great deal of personal satisfaction at my job. 

How do I deal with this unsettling ruminating on the regrets of the past and worries that I’ll keep making mistakes that I regret going forward? How do I make sure I don’t turn 70 and think, “Why didn’t I make changes at 50? I’m 70 and still have the same regrets?” Is there any action I can take to take the bull by the horns and make the most of what’s left? 

Who’s been there (or is there) and what was it like for you? 

[Arcadia]

I also turned 50 in December. I think it is more likely the transition stage of having young adults than mid life crisis. Mine are 18 and 17 so I have too much time on my hands right now that I fill with taking classes and volunteering since I don’t work. 
As for perimenopause, do you know when your mom was in that stage? I know my mom started hormone replacement therapy in her late 40s.  Also my oncologist did a blood test which is mainly to check for estrogen (https://medlineplus.gov/lab-tests/estrogen-levels-test/)

As for regrets, it is more of know better do better. I learned from young how harmful emotional baggage can be so I do make a conscious effort to not dwell in the what ifs. What is done is done and we can’t travel back in time. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I was going through peri at that age still, and it was the height of it.  I was a mess.  Not regretful like that, but more so quite impatient and stressed.  I DID have a very stressful life, but also I think peri messed with my resilience for a while.  Then once that actual menopause kicked in I was fine.

 

[Garga]

10 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I also turned 50 in December. I think it is more likely the transition stage of having young adults than mid life crisis. Mine are 18 and 17 so I have too much time on my hands right now that I fill with taking classes and volunteering since I don’t work. 
As for perimenopause, do you know when your mom was in that stage? I know my mom started hormone replacement therapy in her late 40s.  Also my oncologist did a blood test which is mainly to check for estrogen (https://medlineplus.gov/lab-tests/estrogen-levels-test/)

As for regrets, it is more of know better do better. I learned from young how harmful emotional baggage can be so I do make a conscious effort to not dwell in the what ifs. What is done is done and we can’t travel back in time. 

My mom had a hysterectomy because of uterine fibroids in her late 40s and I don’t think she’d hit menopause by then. Part of me wants to stop taking the BC pills, but I mostly take them because they make me so regular. My periods last 3.5 days and are extremely light. I don’t want to give that up. 

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I was going through peri at that age still, and it was the height of it.  I was a mess.  Not regretful like that, but more so quite impatient and stressed.  I DID have a very stressful life, but also I think peri messed with my resilience for a while.  Then once that actual menopause kicked in I was fine.

 

“messed with my resilience” Hmmm. I might need to think about that: resilience. I do feel fragile right now in a way I haven’t before. 

Edited February 11, 2023 by Garga

[prairiewindmomma]

This sounds like low level depression or anxiety…thoughts you could wrestle with normally but now are overwhelming. Since you’ve been feeling this way for more than a couple of weeks, seek some outside support.

[MEmama]

Last year, just around my 50th birthday, I was hit hard by regrets I always swore I'd never have and a midlife crisis I previously had never believed in. Literally everything came crashing down (more than I want to share publicly), I was raging all the time, had one foot out the door and sank into a depression like nothing I'd ever experienced. I started taking a blood pressure and anxiety med which has helped a lot, but I'm far from recovered and of course, nothing has actually changed.

I would have never believed that I could be so completely smacked down, but there it is. I'm limping along at this point, but truthfully I'm very fragile. Yesterday I had full blown panic attack because I got stuck on a process for my new job; I just don't have any bandwidth and nothing extra to give at all. I have no idea if this is my new normal or if it will pass.

Hugs and commiseration, @Garga and everyone else going through this. ❤️

[Pawz4me]

My guess is a lot of it is peri-menopause. I didn't have the worst of my symptoms until around 52-54. But regardless of what the root cause is -- if what you're feeling is really bothering you then I think it's a good idea to get checked out/get some support. Ruminating is part of anxiety, and it's horrible. It may be that you'd be better on some sort of HRT than on BCP, but I don't know about that for sure. Hugs. It's definitely a hard time of life, especially if there are any big stressors going on.

[stephanier.1765]

I'm a bit older than you at 57 and I'm struggling greatly with midlife crisis. Before now, I always thought it was a joke, like a man all of a sudden buying a muscle car. Most of the time, mine presents as fear. After my parents got Covid in June, I've been sick with fear over losing them and one day I will. The older I get the closer that time becomes and I worry and stress and am anxious and I'm a total mess. Throw in the regrets, and there are so, so many I'm struggling to get through this time, if there is a through. 

[Toocrazy!!]

I get the regrets part, I’m 52 and I think that’s pretty natural at this stage. Sometimes life only gives you so many choices. It’s easy to look back and think woulda coulda. I try to rephrase it in my head. I really did make the best decisions I could of the ones available to me at the time. Second guessing all of that now won’t do me any good. 
But, there is a lot to look forward to. Even 20 years is a long time! I turned over a new health leaf last year and started listening to a bunch of podcasts about health-span instead of just lifespan. It’s asking you to Look at your life at 80 and what do you want it to look like. What kind of changes do I make now to get there. I do think you have to be more intentional with your time. But that’s not all bad. Sometimes it spurs you to make changes for the best. 
 

That said, I started perimenopause very early- like my symptoms started when I was 38. I was a totally different person, angry, sad, and the anxiety was unbelievable. I only wanted to be alone. I couldn’t control my temper. Panic attacks.  I was a mess. Because I was so young, I really had no idea what was going on with me for years. Nobody really expected peri at the age. Those hormonal changes are a lot to get through. So if you could be in the midst of that, I wouldn’t count out anything at all. 

[Toocrazy!!]

And I still have regrets. That is just the mantra I tell myself to get through. There’s absolutely nothing we can do about the past. But at 50, we really can still have a wonderful long life ahead of us. 

[Arcadia]

@Garga my long term medications are on auto-refill. Maybe after your son gets his antibiotics refill you could suggest that he gets that set to auto-refill if possible. My pharmacy would text me whenever my refill is ready to pickup. I typically end up with three months worth of spares because the pharmacy refills faster than monthly. 

[Garga]

18 minutes ago, Toocrazy!! said:

I get the regrets part, I’m 52 and I think that’s pretty natural at this stage. Sometimes life only gives you so many choices. It’s easy to look back and think woulda coulda. I try to rephrase it in my head. I really did make the best decisions I could of the ones available to me at the time. Second guessing all of that now won’t do me any good. 
But, there is a lot to look forward to. Even 20 years is a long time! I turned over a new health leaf last year and started listening to a bunch of podcasts about health-span instead of just lifespan. It’s asking you to Look at your life at 80 and what do you want it to look like. What kind of changes do I make now to get there. I do think you have to be more intentional with your time. But that’s not all bad. Sometimes it spurs you to make changes for the best. 
 

That said, I started perimenopause very early- like my symptoms started when I was 38. I was a totally different person, angry, sad, and the anxiety was unbelievable. I only wanted to be alone. I couldn’t control my temper. Panic attacks.  I was a mess. Because I was so young, I really had no idea what was going on with me for years. Nobody really expected peri at the age. Those hormonal changes are a lot to get through. So if you could be in the midst of that, I wouldn’t count out anything at all. 

I like the idea of finding some podcasts about making health changes. I’m not overweight, but I’m not fit. In fact over the past year, I injured my neck and knee (minor) and I haven’t been able to do much physical activity in months, which has also been making me feel low. I think the knee is good enough now that I can start walking slowly on the treadmill a bit each day. I am getting enough sleep, but not proper exercise. Lately with this slump, I find myself sitting around binge watching tv a lot. 

Everyone might be right about this being anxiety/depression. When I step back and look from the outside in, that’s probably right. Just today I was thinking how relaxing it would be to just lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling. I did just that for about half an hour, but finally got myself up. I didn’t think of it as being depressed in the moment, but I guess lying in bed watching the ceiling might be a sign that it is.

I’m running out of anything left to give to anyone else, but at the same time, I’m looking back and feeling like I messed up a lot in the past. Sometimes it was trying to help too much and being smothering and sometimes it was not being there enough for someone else.

It’s a weird place and I don’t want to be in this weird place for too long. So, I do like the idea of some podcasts to help me start thinking ahead and preparing myself for good health in 20 years instead of looking back at past mistakes.

[kbutton]

16 minutes ago, Toocrazy!! said:

That said, I started perimenopause very early- like my symptoms started when I was 38. I was a totally different person, angry, sad, and the anxiety was unbelievable. I only wanted to be alone. I couldn’t control my temper. Panic attacks.  I was a mess. Because I was so young, I really had no idea what was going on with me for years. Nobody really expected peri at the age. Those hormonal changes are a lot to get through. So if you could be in the midst of that, I wouldn’t count out anything at all. 

Agreed! Same boat for me. I will be 46 soon, and I am hoping for the real deal asap. OP, it's worth asking about it because it does make a big difference. I take DIM supplements because my hormones are also out of whack--it's likely that early perimenopause unmasked borderline PCOS for me as well. 

1 hour ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I was going through peri at that age still, and it was the height of it.  I was a mess.  Not regretful like that, but more so quite impatient and stressed.  I DID have a very stressful life, but also I think peri messed with my resilience for a while.  Then once that actual menopause kicked in I was fine.

I sure hope so. Ditto on the resilience--perimenopause just adds a sharp edge to everything.

1 hour ago, Arcadia said:

I think it is more likely the transition stage of having young adults than mid life crisis.

I agree.

If you had any serious breach of relationships or social life during the pandemic or all the political discord, I think that adds up too.

You are not alone! 

1 hour ago, Garga said:

I want so much to see him fly, but he’s so wobbly and I feel like I’m constantly mis-stepping and messing up with him. Just this morning: he’s taking an antibiotic for acne and he said that he was having trouble getting through to the pharmacy to refill it and wasn’t sure what to do. I said, “How many pills do you have left?” and he said, “Oh, I’ve been out for a few days,” and I said (because I was shocked), “It’s an antibiotic! You have to take that consistently! You shouldn’t stop taking it and start up again.” Of course (duh) his face shut down and he said, “Yup. I’ll get it filled today.” I softened my tone and answered what he had actually asked, “Yeah, if you can’t get through on the phone, just drive over to the pharmacy and give them the empty bottle and they’ll refill it..” And he just repeated, “Yup. I’ll get it filled today.” And so, there I am thinking, “Welp that went badly. You just messed up AGAIN.” But at the same time, he’s wobbling so much as he tries to fly.

My counselor says that kids with ADHD need to see reactions from people that demonstrate things are out of step. If it's not you, it's going to be a boss someday.

It's fine--you eventually gave him the answer he needed and wanted. You didn't cut him off or leave him hanging after your reaction, and you turned quickly toward a helpful response. If he wasn't ready to manage his meds at all, and they were high stakes, I am sure you would do what is needed and help him learn at the appropriate pace. 

Meds can be serious business. We have a child (with ADHD) on serious meds that are really bad to screw up, so much so that one doctor has said we can switch to a less evidence-based med if adherence becomes an issue because it's better to take an easier one that might be less effective than mess this one up. Not being able to handle medications is common, but it's also potentially dangerous. 

We don't need to make everything high stakes as parents, but neither do we need to sugarcoat things. He'll be okay. 

[Lady Marmalade]

I'm currently reading The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink.  I haven't finished it yet and wouldn't say it's amazing, but it's been insightful so far and has given me lots to think about.

 

[MEmama]

19 minutes ago, Garga said:

I like the idea of finding some podcasts about making health changes. I’m not overweight, but I’m not fit. In fact over the past year, I injured my neck and knee (minor) and I haven’t been able to do much physical activity in months, which has also been making me feel low. I think the knee is good enough now that I can start walking slowly on the treadmill a bit each day. I am getting enough sleep, but not proper exercise. Lately with this slump, I find myself sitting around binge watching tv a lot. 

Everyone might be right about this being anxiety/depression. When I step back and look from the outside in, that’s probably right. Just today I was thinking how relaxing it would be to just lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling. I did just that for about half an hour, but finally got myself up. I didn’t think of it as being depressed in the moment, but I guess lying in bed watching the ceiling might be a sign that it is.

I’m running out of anything left to give to anyone else, but at the same time, I’m looking back and feeling like I messed up a lot in the past. Sometimes it was trying to help too much and being smothering and sometimes it was not being there enough for someone else.

It’s a weird place and I don’t want to be in this weird place for too long. So, I do like the idea of some podcasts to help me start thinking ahead and preparing myself for good health in 20 years instead of looking back at past mistakes.

Some days all I can really do is sleep, or lie on the couch with blankets over my head. 

I think whatever we are going through is very similar (right down to the wobbly kid with their own mental health struggles). Thanks to you being brave enough to make this post, I'm at least feeling a little less alone. 

[Guest]

Yes, I have been through that and still struggle sometimes. I do think hormonal changes were a big part of it because my abrupt chemically-induced menopause really changed it for the better. 
 

I have a lot of the same feelings about how immature and dysfunctional I was when I first got married. (I’m actually doing a big clean out right now and I read through some of my earliest journals; they are SO CRINGE! Ugh! Quick! Shred the evidence of me being an idiot!) I did not marry as young as you but I met dh when I was barely 19. I was such a dork. 
 

The reframe for me is: at least I grew! At least I changed! At least I learned better ways of communicating! 
 

Im happier with myself now than I have ever been. Maybe that will always continue to be true. 

[WildflowerMom]

I’m going through it, too.  44 here.   Hysterectomy at 29 and I don’t think it’s menopausal (one ovary left).  I really think it’s a mid life crisis for me.   Just not the kind you see in movies.    My psych put me on vraylar with my other two meds but honestly can’t tell a difference, so we’ll probably switch it up.   I don’t really have advice, just commiseration.  💛💛💛

[Grace Hopper]

I felt like I’d lost my purpose when the nest emptied. Without the distractions of running from one activity to the next, my mind has wandered to - and could have easily camped out in - all the Things I Would Have Done Differently. 
 

But I’ve come to a point where I’m just tired of thinking like that. I am choosing to adopt the attitude of moving forward. The landscape is different now, but I’m choosing to embrace the necessity of narrowing my focus (because fewer years left naturally means fewer possible choices for how to spend them) as a gift for helping zoom in on what IS possible, and what is most important to me. 
 

But it’s been nine months, and I needed the first few of them to catch up on years of lost restfulness, to go through the stage you are now in - which I believe is quite normal! - and to eventually hit the place I now find myself. I think it’s okay to look at those forgone opportunities, dip in a toe of regret, then kiss them goodbye and give yourself a new starting point. If after a few months you find yourself deep diving in the pool, maybe get some counseling. 
 

Hugs to you, it is not a fun place to be, but there’s light ahead. 

[Grace Hopper]

I did want to add that making time to improve physical health is important. See your doctors, work on exercise. Do you have access to a pool? Water exercise is restorative and easier on the joints. 

[madteaparty]

2 hours ago, Garga said:

I like the idea of finding some podcasts about making health changes. I’m not overweight, but I’m not fit. In fact over the past year, I injured my neck and knee (minor) and I haven’t been able to do much physical activity in months, which has also been making me feel low. I think the knee is good enough now that I can start walking slowly on the treadmill a bit each day. I am getting enough sleep, but not proper exercise. Lately with this slump, I find myself sitting around binge watching tv a lot. 

Everyone might be right about this being anxiety/depression. When I step back and look from the outside in, that’s probably right. Just today I was thinking how relaxing it would be to just lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling. I did just that for about half an hour, but finally got myself up. I didn’t think of it as being depressed in the moment, but I guess lying in bed watching the ceiling might be a sign that it is.

I’m running out of anything left to give to anyone else, but at the same time, I’m looking back and feeling like I messed up a lot in the past. Sometimes it was trying to help too much and being smothering and sometimes it was not being there enough for someone else.

It’s a weird place and I don’t want to be in this weird place for too long. So, I do like the idea of some podcasts to help me start thinking ahead and preparing myself for good health in 20 years instead of looking back at past mistakes.

I’m a bit younger and while I have other issues, regrets are not one of these but I wanted to chime in on this laying in bed thing. Once a month or so I do take a day that that’s all I do. I need it like other people need prescription meds lol. I work a job that is very intense for me (and I also work most weekends due to that job) plus I’m still parenting somewhat and sometimes yeah, I just need to lay down.  
part of the reason I don’t have regrets is that I think very little we do matters. Kindly, there is little you could have done to change the trajectory of things. And changing one thing would have affected other things in ways you can’t calculate now. Have you read the Midnight Library? 
i regret that I quit my job and career as I am quite stupid at it now, working for people sometimes younger. Feeling dumb all the time is not a cozy place to be, especially because I should know more based on my year of graduation for example. But if I hadn’t, certainly I would not have the relationship I have now with my children. It would be something else entirely. On and on like this. 

[Rosie_0801]

You've as much right to be an annoying mum as your kids have to be annoying young adults. Humans just human that way.

[Alicia64]

On 1/29/2023 at 8:25 PM, Alicia64 said:

 

 

5 hours ago, Garga said:

I have a job that I adore and am well-suited for. It takes up 40-50 hours of my week. I love working at this job and don’t want to give it up. This just means that I’m not ready to throw off working and devote my remaining years to a “meaningful” cause. I get a great deal of personal satisfaction at my job. 

 

How do I deal with this unsettling ruminating on the regrets of the past and worries that I’ll keep making mistakes that I regret going forward? How do I make sure I don’t turn 70 and think, “Why didn’t I make changes at 50? I’m 70 and still have the same regrets?” Is there any action I can take to take the bull by the horns and make the most of what’s left? 

Who’s been there (or is there) and what was it like for you? 

Partially I think you have teenage-itis. Teenagers are rough on everyone. I would have accidentally done the same exact thing you did w/ the acne med and  my son and beat myself up for it later.

I won't give spoilers, but there's a book called The Choice: Embrace the Possible by Edith Eger. It's a memoir -- one of the best I've ever read --and deals with her past regrets.

The most helpful thing for me from the book was: that was then, this is now. I did the best I could with what I knew. There's a twist at the end. I highly recommend this book.

As for being 50 I reacted similar to you. Now I'm 58 and wish I were 50.

Going through menopause can really mess with your thinking. I became extremely claustrophobic. If we were in a hotel, I'd take stairs if there weren't too many. It was crazy it went on for about a year, and then disappeared. Later I realized that the claustrophobia came with menopause..

All this to say, don't discount the challenge of menopause..

One last thing. When I start thinking about my regrets, I literally stop and put on headphones and listen to a favorite podcast to get my mind off of my thinking. Sounds like a fluffy idea, but sometimes I couldn't stop ruminating about past terrible mistakes I made through the years. The podcasts interrupted that thinking. Still do.

I hope some of this helps.

Edited February 11, 2023 by Alicia64
spelling

[Resilient]

I found resilience by walking through this fragile time. BTDT.  I'm 15 years older than you; the mess started about 15 years ago. Hmmm. 

One thing that helped me was apologizing to those I had hurt, asking forgiveness. That helped with the regret, a LOT...but only as I resolved to not do those things I regretted anymore, and to change to be the sort of person who would never do them again.  A part of my very favorite response to an apology / ask for forgiveness was with my son, who said something like he didn't remember that I did those things I regretted, but if I did do them, he probably deserved them "because I was a little _ _ _ _."  

Still have some to work through, but maybe that is the POINT of these years.  To find out who we can be, in part, by learning from what we have been.  

[prairiewindmomma]

Are you beating yourself up with perfectionistic thoughts? Of course you can “people” better at 50 than at 20. You have three more decades of life experience and have learned and grown. We wobble more at 20, that’s to be expected, especially when mental health issues are in the mix. 
 

We all blow it as humans from time to time. That’s part of being human. Give yourself some forgiveness. You aren’t the same person you were then. Regret is a learning tool along your pathway. It helps shape our future. But make peace with your past and move forward knowing that 50s you is going to blow it occasionally in new and different ways because you are human. 
 

Hugs!!

[regentrude]

This all sounds very familiar. For me, several things were at play: perimenopause caused me severe psychological symptoms with deep depression and irrational anger; the new stage of life with the kids moved away out and me no longer homeschooling left a void in time and energy; passing the 50 year milestone left me pondering all those questions you mentioned.

I felt deeply unfulfilled and bored with my life. I have not quit my job; I like it (now again, after I was fantasizing about quitting during the horrible horrible 2020/21 years when Covid meant more work, only the unpleasant parts, and none of the joy).
I spent one year intentionally thinking about what I want to do with this new stage in my life. Because, if I want to start something new, I have no time to waste anymore. I had written about this process here before, and there was a long thread I can dig up if anybody thinks it is helpful. As a result of all the pondering, I decided that I want to fulfill the dream of my youth and become a poet. That was five years ago, and I made it happen: I have published three books and countless individual poems, give public readings several times a year, serve as associate editor of a poetry magazine, run a reading and open mic series in my community, and along the journey have made many poet friends all across the country.

I am saying this not as a brag, but to encourage you to embrace this questioning and muddle through these very hard and confusing years, because there are still several decades left to enjoy, and it's is absolutely worth starting something new. At 50, we are only half-way through our adult life. 

Hang in there through this transition. Life on the other side can be really good.

ETA: The lifestyle changes that helped me alleviate my depression (which I had concluded to likely have situational causes and no sudden chemical imbalance in my brain) was to get vast amounts of physical exertion outside + sunshine. I had to restructure my days to prioritize this, and it made a big difference.

Edited February 11, 2023 by regentrude

[Murphy101]

My friend put it this way:

Turning 50 makes us very aware that while we aren’t trying to live like we have an “expiration date” coming up, we are far more aware that we absolutely do have a “best buy” date that closer than we’d like.

I’m not sure from reading the OP what the regret is. If you love your job then keep at it.

[Storygirl]

@Garga I think that you like to write, so I'm going to suggest a book that I just finished, by Joanna Gaines, called The Stories We Tell: Every Piece of Your Story Matters. She talks, in part, about journaling about past memories, bad as well as good, and how that might help form a direction for our future self. She writes about struggling with perfectionism and performance, working through negative thinking about ourselves, figuring out what is valuable about your life, and how to let other people "know" you instead of just "see" you.

There is nothing profoundly original about the ideas in this book, but as I listened to it today, I thought that you might like it and find it helpful. I don't think it's a replacement for anything else you might do for possible depression, of course.

https://www.amazon.com/Stories-We-Tell-Every-Matters/dp/1400333873/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2RANED3MW17N6&keywords=the+stories+we+tell&qid=1676166906&sprefix=the+stories+we+tell%2Caps%2C227&sr=8-1

Edited February 12, 2023 by Storygirl

[Garga]

6 hours ago, Lady Marmalade said:

I'm currently reading The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink.  I haven't finished it yet and wouldn't say it's amazing, but it's been insightful so far and has given me lots to think about.

 

I’m going to try all the books mentioned in this thread, so thank you for the recommendation.

4 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

 

But it’s been nine months, and I needed the first few of them to catch up on years of lost restfulness, to go through the stage you are now in - which I believe is quite normal! - and to eventually hit the place I now find myself. 

This actually gives me a bit of peace—the fact that it’s been nine months for you, and that you’re coming through it. While I don’t want to be stuck in a bad place, I’m seeing from your response and from Regentrude’s that maybe this is the year to take the time to sort out what I want to be in the future. Maybe this isn’t to be rushed. 

3 hours ago, Alicia64 said:

 

Partially I think you have teenage-itis. Teenagers are rough on everyone. I would have accidentally done the same exact thing you did w/ the acne med and  my son and beat myself up for it later.

I won't give spoilers, but there's a book called The Choice: Embrace the Possible by Edith Eger. It's a memoir -- one of the best I've ever read --and deals with her past regrets.

The most helpful thing for me from the book was: that was then, this is now. I did the best I could with what I knew. There's a twist at the end. I highly recommend this book.

As for being 50 I reacted similar to you. Now I'm 58 and wish I were 50.

Going through menopause can really mess with your thinking. I became extremely claustrophobic. If we were in a hotel, I'd take stairs if there weren't too many. It was crazy it went on for about a year, and then disappeared. Later I realized that the claustrophobia came with menopause..

All this to say, don't discount the challenge of menopause..

One last thing. When I start thinking about my regrets, I literally stop and put on headphones and listen to a favorite podcast to get my mind off of my thinking. Sounds like a fluffy idea, but sometimes I couldn't stop ruminating about past terrible mistakes I made through the years. The podcasts interrupted that thinking. Still do.

I hope some of this helps.

I will read the book and I do like the idea of forcing thoughts into a healthy place when the ruminating becomes unproductive.

3 hours ago, Resilient said:

...but only as I resolved to not do those things I regretted anymore, and to change to be the sort of person who would never do them again. …

Still have some to work through, but maybe that is the POINT of these years.  To find out who we can be, in part, by learning from what we have been.  

I really love this..A lot. “To change to be the sort of person who would never do them again.” I’ve been thinking all day, “maybe it’s time to simply…change.” When I turned 30, I had just had my first son and I naturally changed (my priorities shifted significantly.) Right around 40, I naturally began to change again, into a softer, kinder person.Not sure why, but it just happened.
 

And at 50, I’m thinking, “Maybe it’s time to deliberately change. Maybe it’s time to look at the ways I am that I don’t like, and simply not be that way anymore.”

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Are you beating yourself up with perfectionistic thoughts? Of course you can “people” better at 50 than at 20. You have three more decades of life experience and have learned and grown.
 

 

Such a good point. Thank you.

3 hours ago, regentrude said:

This all sounds very familiar. For me, several things were at play: perimenopause caused me severe psychological symptoms with deep depression and irrational anger; the new stage of life with the kids moved away out and me no longer homeschooling left a void in time and energy; passing the 50 year milestone left me pondering all those questions you mentioned.

I felt deeply unfulfilled and bored with my life. I have not quit my job; I like it (now again, after I was fantasizing about quitting during the horrible horrible 2020/21 years when Covid meant more work, only the unpleasant parts, and none of the joy).
I spent one year intentionally thinking about what I want to do with this new stage in my life. Because, if I want to start something new, I have no time to waste anymore. I had written about this process here before, and there was a long thread I can dig up if anybody thinks it is helpful. As a result of all the pondering, I decided that I want to fulfill the dream of my youth and become a poet. That was five years ago, and I made it happen: I have published three books and countless individual poems, give public readings several times a year, serve as associate editor of a poetry magazine, run a reading and open mic series in my community, and along the journey have made many poet friends all across the country.

I am saying this not as a brag, but to encourage you to embrace this questioning and muddle through these very hard and confusing years, because there are still several decades left to enjoy, and it's is absolutely worth starting something new. At 50, we are only half-way through our adult life. 

Hang in there through this transition. Life on the other side can be really good.

ETA: The lifestyle changes that helped me alleviate my depression (which I had concluded to likely have situational causes and no sudden chemical imbalance in my brain) was to get vast amounts of physical exertion outside + sunshine. I had to restructure my days to prioritize this, and it made a big difference.

I remember reading this when you went through it. Thank you for the encouragement as someone who has walked through this. And you’re right. My kids are still at home, but the oldest goes away to a 4-year college in the fall (he was at the local CC), and the youngest is turning 18, and I really don’t want to be just “mom” anymore. I’m ready to be “Garga.” But who is Garga when she’s not “mom”? I’m tired of being mom, but am not sure exactly who I am. 

2 hours ago, Murphy101 said:

 My friend put it this way:

Turning 50 makes us very aware that while we aren’t trying to live like we have an “expiration date” coming up, we are far more aware that we absolutely do have a “best buy” date that closer than we’d like.

I’m not sure from reading the OP what the regret is. If you love your job then keep at it.

Yes, that’s it! I feel like I’m getting close to the “best by” date!

34 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

@Garga I think that you like to write, so I'm going to suggest a book that I just finished, by Joanna Gaines, called The Stories We Tell: Every Piece of Your Story Matters. She talks, in part, about journaling about past memories, bad as well as good, and how that might help form a direction for our future self. She writes about struggling with perfectionism and performance, working through negative thinking about ourselves, figuring out what is valuable about your life, and how to let other people "know" you instead of just "see" you.

There is nothing profoundly original about the ideas in this book, but as I listened to it today, I thought that you might like it and find it helpful. I don't think it's a replacement for anything else you might do for possible depression, of course.

https://www.amazon.com/Stories-We-Tell-Every-Matters/dp/1400333873/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2RANED3MW17N6&keywords=the+stories+we+tell&qid=1676166906&sprefix=the+stories+we+tell%2Caps%2C227&sr=8-1

Thank you for the book suggestion and yes, the idea of writing out some of this is appealing to me. The act of writing helps me to capture exactly what my feelings are. Until I can pinpoint exactly what the problem is, I can’t know the best course of action. Let things go? Make a deliberate change? What change, etc?

 

As usual, I love the hive. Thank you to everyone who responded, even those I didn’t quote. For those saying that this could very well be a menopausal thing, I’m also going to think on that for a bit. I just had my routine checkups at the gyn and regular doc in the fall, but if things get bad, then I might schedule another appointment sooner than next fall to see if there’s something that can help. 

[Guest]

I wanted to speak specifically to the last paragraph of your OP, about not wanting to get to 70/80 and realize it’s too late to do things you meant to do. 
 

I have been thinking a lot about this very thing as I watch the contrast between my MIL’s recent death vs. how my parents are. It seems to me my MIL did not have much regret in her later years and I think it contributed to how well she navigated her later years. But my dad I *know* has many regrets and it contributes to his clinging to worthless junk. 
 

Just a small example, my dad loved to hike and loved nature (me too!) and always was very interested in hiking the Appalachian Trail. He has many books about hiking the AT, now moldy, warped and outdated books, btw. He never did it. AFAIK, he didn’t even do a section hike or weekend hike right in our own state. I don’t know exactly *why* he never did; maybe he thought all-or-nothing (“have to hike the whole thing for four months or it doesn’t count!”); or because he never has been a good planner and simply never buckled down to make stuff happen. I’m not sure. But now he can never. So he won’t let go of his “broken dream books”. 
 

I see that outcome and it motivates me not to do that, not to always say “maybe someday”. It’s part of why I make goals now every year and it’s why I do things and force through even if I’m extremely anxious about it. If I do decide to let a dream go, it’s after in-depth reflection and examination about why I thought I wanted that and why it does not work as a goal anymore. (I came to this conclusion last year about one significant thing I thought for many years I wanted and only just realized last year that I don’t really want - publishing a novel.)

 

I don’t think any of us can guarantee there will be no regrets. I’ve spoken openly about how I have some regret that I homeschooled as long as I did and wished I had put more years into a career outside the home. My grown kids all spurn homeschooling, although they do all acknowledge that they had many benefits and it was a huge sacrifice for me. But they don’t think hsing is a good choice for many people and they alll adamantly declare they would not homeschool their kids. So I’m 0-3 on positive feedback for my two-decade investment in schooling my kids. It stung a lot two years ago when I got a FT job and faced the ageism and belittling some puffy lawyers seemed to think I deserved.
 

But now I don’t even feel *that* regret as much as I did two years ago because the job thing has worked out despite the zillion years I was “just at home” and despite not having gotten advanced degrees like I fantasized. 
 

I think the key is to make plans and start fulfilling them. One of the little quotes I keep on my board of inspiring quotes is: “Don’t look back; you’re not going that way.” So I try not to dwell on the twenty years I poured into schooling my kids (wasting my youth!) and just plan for the next twenty. I think, for me, having a brush with my own mortality in br€st cancer really helped me come to terms with being grateful for every new day. I don’t know if I have twenty more years; I don’t know if I have five. But I’m going to keep making concrete goals and doing the things I want to do.

Seeing dreams come to fruition little by little is very satisfying. At the end of this year, I will have a bird and butterfly garden sanctuary in my yard. It’s on my list! And I’m slowly making it happen. 🙂 So far I do notice that completing things like this counteracts the sorrow of regret for what I didn’t do before. 

[Guest]

Oh, also, reading the book suggestions here makes me think of the movie Last Holiday with Queen Latiffa. If you haven’t seen it, you must. I live that movie so much and I love her Book of Possibilities. It’s very pure without being Pollyanna. Such a good movie. If you’ve seen it before maybe time for a re-watch. 🙂 

[TexasProud]

I think Quill is spot on.  I felt like you did a lot, especially when going through perimenopause.  But not as much now.  And yes, I think it does have to do with goals and not being trapped and being able to achieve them. 

[scbusf]

I am following this thread. I turned 50 in October and I thought I was fine with it. But around the same time, I plunged into a deep something - I don't even know ...... I have always struggled with Anxiety, and take meds for it, and I do have some health issues that are kind of vague and probably just menopause. I just feel kind of lost in general - my kids are 12, 15, and 16 - we are still homeschooling and dealing with their learning disabilities and their medical stuff. It's all just a lot and I am tired - in all the ways.

[kokotg]

I haven't read the responses yet. But I went through something similar when I weaned my last kid, right around when I turned 40. I call it debilitating nostalgia now. I was extremely weepy and sad and felt like I had done everything wrong for years and now there was so little time left and my kids were growing up and I couldn't fix anything. Like I would sit around and cry because I hadn't taken my kids to enough movies. Movies are great! Why didn't we go to more of them?! Now it's too late; their childhoods are ruined! Sometimes it was less trivial, but it was a lot of stuff along those lines. I can say that for me I think it was definitely hormonal, and it passed on its own in a few months. Eventually I realized that I couldn't even access those kinds of hopeless feelings anymore; they no longer made sense to me even though I very clearly remembered having them. I'm about to turn 48 now, just missed a period for the first time in my non-pregnant adult life, and am suddenly having a ton of anxiety that hit me out of nowhere...so I'm wondering if this is round two and will pass eventually or if I need more assistance this time. Hormones are a mess. The feelings are both real and not real, you know? I hate it. 

[BlsdMama]

I don't think it's depression or menopause.  I think it's a stage of life. 

I spent my twenties knowing everything. 😛  I was so confident and bold and self UNAWARE.  I think my 30s were about, "You do you, Kelly." I stopped telling others what THEY should do and began focusing on changing ME. My mantra became, "Eyes on your own paper." I began to wonder about what I thought I knew and what I didn't yet know.  
At almost 40 my life changed forever.  My oldest daughter went to college and I missed US so much. (Embarassingly I will admit she lived AT HOME for college, but it was still a pivotal time in my life.) I had my last baby.  I very nearly died in a horrific miscarriage, and later I was ultimately diagnosed with Motor Neuron Disease. An acquaintance I barely knew well enough to wave to committed suicide and it rocked my world - she was my age, a homeschooling mom of many, some of our kids were in same circles.

I think we have regrets over the stupidity of young us.  I don't like younger me much. I admire her bold confidence, but she influenced others and they paid the cost of her brash, assertive confidence.  She was outspoken (good) but so "in your face" that she didn't touch people like she could have had she had more empathy.

My 40-44/45 I was nearly paralyzed by regret and by a lack of grace for younger me.

I encourage you that I think you too will come to forgive your younger self. You just didn't know what you didn't know.  Who you are now, with your knowledge, understanding, and experiences? Your younger self did not have the benefit of all that.  Show her the mercy and grace you'd extend to a friend.  You can not undo.  I think you will find comfort in voicing your apologies.  But I'll also tell you to not "set up camp" in that place.  I would encourage you to apologize but not spend FIVE years despising your younger version.  She just didn't know what you now understand. Forgive her,, recognize you still will NEVER do things perfectly, and go live life.  Life is too short for you to live paralyzed in a place of regret for five years.

Edited February 12, 2023 by BlsdMama

[Hilltopmom]

I’m no help. I sorta just realized I’m miserable lately with teaching full time, still having little kids at home (& in school, always rushing) and worrying about the not quite grown adults. Add in trying to exercise and cook for everyone and it’s not good.

Spent a hunk of time today looking for other jobs I could do part time. 

[DawnM]

I can dwell on the "what ifs" all day long today and all day long tomorrow and all day long for the rest of my life.  I have made a lot of mistakes.  Way more than I care to admit.   I regret some of my parenting choices (yelling mostly) and sometimes I regret homeschooling.   I would have been able to retire much better had I worked all those years.

If I had known now what education would become, I would have regretted my decision to go into education, but there was no way to know any of that.   So I will probably work another 7 years and then retire.

I regret agreeing to move to North Carolina from California.   After 15 years here I still miss living on the West Coast.   I have never felt at home here and still don't.   I am a West Coast girl through and through.  

I regret not finishing my School Psych degree in CA.   It was a 2 tiered system where the first tier was school counseling and then you could go another 33 units for School Psych.   In NC it is two completely separate degrees and I would essentially start over:   Two solid years of full time schooling plus one year of unpaid internship.    I am too old to start that.

 

[Bambam]

On 2/11/2023 at 12:08 PM, Arcadia said:

As for regrets, it is more of know better do better. I learned from young how harmful emotional baggage can be so I do make a conscious effort to not dwell in the what ifs. What is done is done and we can’t travel back in time. 

I think this sums it up. There is ALWAYS something we could do better, be better. There is no perfect. We muddle through doing the best we can, apologizing as appropriate, realizing we have faults and trying to overlook other's faults/mistakes/un-perfectness like we want them to do for us.  When I become aware of something that I could do better at, I try to do better. I don't always succeed (patience and remembering to be encouraging to my young adults vs. didn't I warn you about this already? - those things are things I am constantly working on) - but I keep trying. And I do mention it to my kids sometimes when needed. They are trying, I am trying, we love each other, so we try to be understanding. 

I do think it helps to sit down and try to figure out what exactly we want in life. What do we want folks to remember us for - and I'm assuming really that only immediate family and a few very close friends are going to remember us for very long at all.  Do I believe in God? Does that play into what goals/thoughts I have? I've asked my kids to consider what they think of as 'success' - is that making $XXX? Or having YY friends? Or being promoted to doing this job?  BTW, I'm still working on this myself. My kids are young adults, I'm not needed often, I'm helping local friends (elderly) who need help as asked, but I really don't have the direction I've had my entire life. What do I want to do now that I am grown up? 

 

[Melissa Louise]

Recipe for limited regrets, from one with many past choices I could spend much time regretting:

Make time for what you love.

Connect with the people you love.

Everything else is noise.

[Amy in NH]

Gratitude.  Instead of focusing on regrets, I focus on things I am thankful for: That my kids love me even though I make mistakes, and they (mostly) appreciate the support I('ve) give(n) them.  That my husband loves me even though I haven't always been easy to live with over the past 25 years.  That, even if it still needs a lot of work, I have a roof over my head that no longer leaks, and has plenty heat and running water, and no lack of food.  That I'm so lucky to live in such a beautiful place.  That, even if we can't afford to treat some minor-ish medical issues, we're all mostly healthy.  That I've been able to spend my kids' childhoods with them, learning and growing; that I like the people they've become, I like to spend time with them now that they're young adults, and they seem to enjoy spending time with me too.

I do sometimes feel an existential dread - waiting for the other shoe to drop, or anxiety that something will happen to spoil it all.  I realize that if I practice nonjudgmental acceptance I can handle whatever happens next, so I try to be more present in the moment instead of borrowing trouble from the future. 

I'll admit that it is not always easy to keep these things in the forefront of my mind, and hormones do play a role in the anxiety.  Every day is a new chance to do better.

[Garga]

Thank you to everyone who has replied. This weekend was crazy and I’ve been able to read the thread only in short bursts, so I couldn’t properly reply as it all unfolded.

I saw Titanic in the theater on Sunday (maybe not a good idea when in such a melancholic mood). One of the messages of the movie is to make life count (in the movie, they raise a toast to “making it count.”) The Rose character feels like her life is meaningless, and the Jack character is all about living life to the fullest. By the end of the movie Jack has taught Rose how to live a full life that counts. So, while I cried through half of the movie, I also felt inspired to pick up where I am and make the rest of my life count.

I’ve read the thread 3 times now and I’m starting to form a vague plan of how to handle this stage. I need some time alone to contemplate and begin to tackle this. Even if the feelings are just hormonal and will go away, the idea of living a deliberate life is worth pursuing. 

Edited February 13, 2023 by Garga

[Soror]

20 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I don't think it's depression or menopause.  I think it's a stage of life. 
😛

Quite frankly I find that assertion rather dismissive. Lots of women struggle with mental health in various ways when going through peri and menopause.

On 2/12/2023 at 9:44 AM, kokotg said:

I haven't read the responses yet. But I went through something similar when I weaned my last kid, right around when I turned 40. I call it debilitating nostalgia now. I was extremely weepy and sad and felt like I had done everything wrong for years and now there was so little time left and my kids were growing up and I couldn't fix anything. Like I would sit around and cry because I hadn't taken my kids to enough movies. Movies are great! Why didn't we go to more of them?! Now it's too late; their childhoods are ruined! Sometimes it was less trivial, but it was a lot of stuff along those lines. I can say that for me I think it was definitely hormonal, and it passed on its own in a few months. Eventually I realized that I couldn't even access those kinds of hopeless feelings anymore; they no longer made sense to me even though I very clearly remembered having them. I'm about to turn 48 now, just missed a period for the first time in my non-pregnant adult life, and am suddenly having a ton of anxiety that hit me out of nowhere...so I'm wondering if this is round two and will pass eventually or if I need more assistance this time. Hormones are a mess. The feelings are both real and not real, you know? I hate it. 

I said I had a "third-life" crisis after my last was born at 33. I was too young for it to be a midlife crisis (says me :)). My hormones went wonky then and I developed thyroid disease- that coupled with the change in life stages was hard. I spent years trying to figure out what I should do next, what I wanted to do, what is do differently. Really just in the last few months did I settle on the fact that I don't know and I'm going to move forward anyway and go. Now I'm in the midst of some big big changes and I'm trying to just embrace it. I'm nervous about what the rest of Peri will bring and the empty nest so I'm listening along for the btdt wisdom......

[Arcadia]

On 2/11/2023 at 9:29 AM, Garga said:

I look ahead and think that perhaps I’ll live 30 more years, but how many of them will be filled with medical conditions? Ages 70-80 might be filled with dealing with my body breaking down or my dh’s body. There could be precious little time left.

My mom passed at 79. She was frail since her 50s. We would take cab rides to the mall, window shop and then go to the coffee shop for frappuccino and cakes. When we went to Target with kids in double stroller, my mom would get the $1 popcorn and four of us share.     There were still lots of things we did together despite my mom’s rheumatism worsening. 
 

There could be precious time left for anyone of us. What is in our control is to gradually make our homes as elderly proof as possible, make sure our wills, medical directives and other stuff are in order. Other than that it is making a conscious effort to be happy in the now and maybe make short term plans so that you have something to look forward to. 
My side of the family has plenty of late bloomers. My kids are late bloomers in many aspects. Sometimes it does take relying on faith to get through that in the long run, things would work out. That my kids aren’t magically going to be ready to launch at 18 or 21. 

[regentrude]

On 2/11/2023 at 11:29 AM, Garga said:

I look ahead and think that perhaps I’ll live 30 more years, but how many of them will be filled with medical conditions? Ages 70-80 might be filled with dealing with my body breaking down or my dh’s body. There could be precious little time left.

I am very conscious of this. We have stepped up our outdoor pursuits, do more strenuous hikes and backpacking trips as in previous years and bought kayaks and kayak 400 miles a year. Because we don't know how long our bodies will cooperate - and I don't want to regret that I didn't do the things I love while I was still able. I know there will come a time when I can no longer climb out of the Grand Canyon with a backpack - so I have to do it now!

[BlsdMama]

21 hours ago, Soror said:

Quite frankly I find that assertion rather dismissive. Lots of women struggle with mental health in various ways when going through peri and menopause.

I find the label mid life crisis dismissive - it essentially slaps a label which is used mockingly on something that happens to many *in this stage of life * which is why I elaborated so much in my post. 

[Soror]

10 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I find the label mid life crisis dismissive - it essentially slaps a label which is used mockingly on something that happens to many *in this stage of life * which is why I elaborated so much in my post. 

I think people can use whatever label they find helpful but my post was not about that. I thought your post was dismissive towards the very real mental health struggles many women have with Peri and menopause. I think in light of that it is dangerous to write off such things as normal. For too many women this comes with deep depression and anxiety that needs to be addressed. 

[Toocrazy!!]

The hormone shift in peri menopause really did turn me into a different person. I was not educated enough in mental health to really understand. But I went from literally the most laid back, content person you’ve ever met to writing about suicide in a journal I started. That scared me. I just had never felt anything like that before or since and I only can think it was the hormones. 
I did manage to find ways to handle it, mostly hard exercise. But when I finally went into menopause, it was literally like the lights turned back on. It was almost night and day. I felt like my old self. 
When I finally figured out it was probably peri making me feel like this, it really was kind of a relief. I had a lot of medical anxiety- heart issues, tingling hands and feet. So, it was almost a relief for it “just” to be hormones. 
I spent a lot of time alone, and many hours lying in bed. I took up reading very fluffy escapism novels. And did some very basic meditation. Lots of self care. 
All of that was completely different than turning 50 and the feelings that brought forward. Two entirely different events in my life. 
 

[Shoeless]

On 2/11/2023 at 11:29 AM, Garga said:

Is it depression? Pre-menopause? (I take BC pills, so they keep me very regular and it’s hard to tell if I’m having any menopausal symptoms.) Mid-life crisis? I don’t know. But I’m feeling a general sense of being unsettled and I wanted to write it all out and see if others have felt this way. 

I look ahead and think that perhaps I’ll live 30 more years, but how many of them will be filled with medical conditions? Ages 70-80 might be filled with dealing with my body breaking down or my dh’s body. There could be precious little time left.

I have a job that I adore and am well-suited for. It takes up 40-50 hours of my week. I love working at this job and don’t want to give it up. This just means that I’m not ready to throw off working and devote my remaining years to a “meaningful” cause. I get a great deal of personal satisfaction at my job. 

How do I deal with this unsettling ruminating on the regrets of the past and worries that I’ll keep making mistakes that I regret going forward? How do I make sure I don’t turn 70 and think, “Why didn’t I make changes at 50? I’m 70 and still have the same regrets?” Is there any action I can take to take the bull by the horns and make the most of what’s left? 

Who’s been there (or is there) and what was it like for you? 

There's a good chance it's peri-menopause. I told a friend that peri was like going through puberty in reverse, and I felt so much empathy toward all the angsty middle schoolers out there. 

Ages 70-80 might bring medical issues or they might not. If you aren't physically active now, I think this is a great time to start exercising. It will help you feel better mentally and physically, plus it will reduce the likelihood of your 70s and 80s being full of illness and disease. 

A job that gives personal satisfaction *is* meaningful, IMO. 

Why don't you make changes at 50? What do you want to change? What's stopping you? 

I've made a lot of changes at 50, but most of them are internal. I spent a long while thrashing around, venting about the unfairness of everything. I spent some time in thought experiments: what would life look like if I did A,B, or C. In time, I realized that the voice telling me my life wasn't good enough was not mine, but my dad's voice, and that I actually really loved my life the way it was. 

The action you take at this point is making the decision to do something.  It really doesn't matter what the something is; you just have to decide what you want and go for it. 

[Pawz4me]

7 hours ago, Shoeless said:

 I told a friend that peri was like going through puberty in reverse, and I felt so much empathy toward all the angsty middle schoolers out there.

Same. I'm pretty much fully convinced that one point of experiencing puberty is to prepare us for handling peri-menopause.

[MEmama]

Are there hormone tests that can be done? I'm starting to seriously think I need to contact my doctor about my anxiety and depression and this thread is making me wonder if they are a result of a hormonal shift. They came on *so fast* last year and have knocked me completely off kilter. I've had a hysterectomy, so I have no obvious way to know about cycles. 
 

Can anyone tell me what to expect? And if it is perimenopause, is anxiety medication a reasonable accommodation to request?

[Soror]

2 hours ago, MEmama said:

Are there hormone tests that can be done? I'm starting to seriously think I need to contact my doctor about my anxiety and depression and this thread is making me wonder if they are a result of a hormonal shift. They came on *so fast* last year and have knocked me completely off kilter. I've had a hysterectomy, so I have no obvious way to know about cycles. 
 

Can anyone tell me what to expect? And if it is perimenopause, is anxiety medication a reasonable accommodation to request?

Absolutely they can do hormone tests. I'd start with that to see where you are. From what I've read I will be seriously considering HRT if/when things really start to go wonky. I've had times when things were rough but it seems just when I start to get so desperate I'm ready to do something about it things even out and improve for a spell. I know many do find anxiety and/or depression meds helpful. Personally, I'd look at hormones first and then discuss with your doctor the options and go from there. I don't remember all the tests- I just had mine done again a week or so ago but don't recall everything on the order. I've not had my follow-up visit yet to discuss the results.

Here is a resource for finding a provider:

https://portal.menopause.org/NAMS/NAMS/Directory/Menopause-Practitioner.aspx