How would you react to this?

[Emba]

So my DD’s good friend, who I’ll call P, had a sweet 16 party today. My DD and my DS were invited, and were going to pick up a friend and take her, as well. The friend is disabled and has a service dog.

I don’t know P’s parents super well, but we had met a few times and had each other over for dinner. They seem nice enough but P is pretty prone to drama, and her step-dad has some tattoos that are a little questionable ( like, possibly related to gangs questionable, but also possibly not). 

So as the party got closer I started having reservations about DD going and taking her younger brother and a friend who is a little vulnerable. I thought everything would probably be okay but there was just some niggling doubts.

Last night I talked to DD about some of the reservations I had and she was feeling some too, for slightly different reasons.  She said “It would make me feel better if you went”, and said P had actually invited all of us, not just DD and DS.  I was not hugely surprised. P’s step-dad is super outgoing and had invited us to things before. 

So I had Dd double check that it would be okay, and I went. I figured I’d visit with P’s parents and maybe get to know them better, but expected to spend a lot of time bored in a group of people I didn’t know well. 

Which is how it went, except with even less visiting with P’s parents. There were not even many kids from my DD’s school there, it was mostly family and a few friends of P’s parents.

During the party P and DD made plans to have a sleepover at our house tomorrow night. I sat on the couch a lot. Finally they cut the cake and we sang Happy Birthday and I figured we could leave. I tracked down P’s mom to say thank you and goodbye and she asked to speak to me a minute. I assumed it was about the sleep over. 

instead she said “I’m going to have to ask you to give me whatever is in your pockets that’s mine.” I was kind of shocked and just handed her the entire contents of my pockets: a chapstick and a pocket knife. And showed her my phone out of my back pocket. I told her if she wanted she could check my pockets herself. She didn’t even really apologize, just said that one of the other guests had told her I was “acting sus” and thought I had taken something. 

i left and was about halfway to the car before I got over the shock and started feeling mad about it. 

I’m inclined to let it go, because I don’t think there’s anything to be gained by hashing it out. Obviously she doesn’t know me at all and to me the accusation (when apparently no actual item has been discovered missing) says more about her and the friends she has than about me. 

but I’m still mad about it ( who does that?) and a little worried that whoever told her that did it to set up a suspect that wasn’t them because they had taken something. But hopefully that’s me being paranoid.

DD noticed I was upset and so I told her what had happened, when her other friend and DS were not present. I told her not to bring it up to P because she didn’t have anything to do with it. 

Shortly after we left P texted DD that she had other stuff to do and couldn’t spend the night tomorrow after all.

i mostly just wanted to vent, but also, what do y’all think of this? Has anything like it ever happened to you? And should it affect whether DD spend any more time at this family ‘s house? I’m starting to think I have a good idea where P gets her tendency to drama from.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It would bother me a lot because a) you were presumed guilty with absolutely no evidence that you could be b) could there be a more confrontational way to ask someone’s about something like that??

 I think that any tattoos the dad has is a red herring. So is the family culture surrounding parties. But I wouldn’t be attending any parties at their house or allowing them to come to your house. Could you imagine what would happen if they accused you of doing something to their daughter??  They are not safe people to be around.  

[The Governess]

The mom’s behavior concerns me. I’d consider it a blessing that her daughter called off the sleepover and would not encourage that relationship going forward.

[BusyMom5]

I would not be encouraging any friendship between my kid and P, but I probably wouldn't forbid it either.  I would be honest with my kid about how I was treated, sending them a warning before being put in the same position.  Not necessarily judging them, but I would be furious at how they judged ME, and decide a friendship was just not worth it.  You don't want your kids to be acused of taking stuff in future.  The way the mom handled it would bother me- what if you had cash in your pocket and she assumed you took it from her?  Would she have demanded it?  Was she apologizing profusely?  Was she embarrassed?  

[Catwoman]

We would be DONE with that family. 

[gardenmom5]

I would not encourage the relationship.   P may or may not engage in drama because of her mother, but her mother's drama would only exacerbate normal teen drama.  I'd also assume sleepover was called off by the mom.

I will point out - you and your daughter both had reservations about going beforehand.  I might suggest that could have been "mom gut" forewarning you.  (recognizing "mom-gut" is something that normally has to be learned. sometimes through painful experience.)

[regentrude]

Oh my. This is very odd. I would discourage further contacts. Who knows what they'll accuse your kids of next. 

[Shoeless]

Wow, that's nuts.

I wouldn't discourage a friendship between the girls but I wouldn't put much effort into encouraging one, either. 

[ScoutTN]

17 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

We would be DONE with that family. 

Yep, this. No way would my kids ever be in their house or their kids in my house. 

[Emba]

35 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

 I think that any tattoos the dad has is a red herring. So is the family culture surrounding parties. But I wouldn’t be attending any parties at their house or allowing them to come to your house. Could you imagine what would happen if they accused you of doing something to their daughter??  They are not safe people to be around.  

So yeah, I think like I said, the tattoos could or could not mean anything. They look old and he’s definitely a hard working guy now. I have tattoos myself, so it’s not just the fact of tats that was the thing. 

but yeah, I’m having a hard time thinking that I’d ever want DD over there alone now, because what if they decide she’s done something? And I’m super glad that when DS went into P’s bedroom to look at some tools she got that I insisted DD go as well.  I would feel more comfortable with P coming here but also now like I have to be way more watchful and paranoid and maybe it isn’t worth it. 

[Danae]

1 minute ago, ScoutTN said:

Yep, this. No way would my kids ever be in their house or their kids in my house. 

This.

[Catwoman]

Just now, Emba said:

So yeah, I think like I said, the tattoos could or could not mean anything. They look old and he’s definitely a hard working guy now. I have tattoos myself, so it’s not just the fact of tats that was the thing. 

but yeah, I’m having a hard time thinking that I’d ever want DD over there alone now, because what if they decide she’s done something? And I’m super glad that when DS went into P’s bedroom to look at some tools she got that I insisted DD go as well.  I would feel more comfortable with P coming here but also now like I have to be way more watchful and paranoid and maybe it isn’t worth it. 

I wouldn’t have the girl in my home, either. That mother had no problem accusing you of being a thief — what might you or a family member be accused of after a sleepover? 

I would not encourage this friendship at all. Maybe the girl is nice, but her mom is TROUBLE.

[Emba]

5 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Wow, that's nuts.

I wouldn't discourage a friendship between the girls but I wouldn't put much effort into encouraging one, either. 

“This is nuts!” is exactly what I thought. 

DD is 16. Like, I would have never suggested going to this party myself if she hadn’t brought it up first. So forbidding friendship is something I would save for only the most dire circumstance because it would be very hard to enforce and probably wouldn’t do any good. But yeah. I won’t be encouraging it at all.

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, Emba said:

“This is nuts!” is exactly what I thought. 

DD is 16. Like, I would have never suggested going to this party myself if she hadn’t brought it up first. So forbidding friendship is something I would save for only the most dire circumstance because it would be very hard to enforce and probably wouldn’t do any good. But yeah. I won’t be encouraging it at all.

Honestly, I would be surprised if your dd wasn’t re-thinking that friendship, after what the girl’s mom accused you of! The mom’s behavior was so bizarre and so far out of line, that I can’t imagine anyone in your family wanting anything to do with that family ever again. 

Also, you said that P tends to be prone to drama. What if she gets angry with your dd and starts accusing her of things she didn’t do? The apple may not have fallen too far from the tree. I would be very concerned!

Edited August 7, 2022 by Catwoman

[Clarita]

Quite possibly you may not have to make any decision about whether DD spends anymore time at P's house. P's family may have already decided the answer to that is no. 

Right or wrong I would be really hesitant to visit their home any more. Also hesitant about having P visit my home without her parents or other witnesses. I wouldn't go as far as to say P can't be DD's friend but just have activities together where there will be lots of witnesses. I would be really clear and honest about my reasons why. In this case I'm not sure DD would argue with you about this anyways. It may be good too because it gives your DD an excuse to excuse herself from stuff with P she may feel uneasy about anyway.

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Quite possibly you may not have to make any decision about whether DD spends anymore time at P's house. P's family may have already decided the answer to that is no. 

Right or wrong I would be really hesitant to visit their home any more. Also hesitant about having P visit my home without her parents or other witnesses. I wouldn't go as far as to say P can't be DD's friend but just have activities together where there will be lots of witnesses. I would be really clear and honest about my reasons why. In this case I'm not sure DD would argue with you about this anyways. It may be good too because it gives your DD an excuse to excuse herself from stuff with P she may feel uneasy about anyway.

I agree about always having witnesses around for Emba’s dd’s protection from false accusations — but at that point, is it even a friendship any more? Is it worth the trouble? I don’t think so. 

Edited August 7, 2022 by Catwoman
Because autocorrect thinks Emba is spelled EMMA

[Emba]

I’m glad this is worrisome to basically everyone here. Like, I was mad enough ( hurt pride, I guess, because I consider myself honest to a fault) I thought it might just be that clouding how I was seeing things. But there are several other things too vague/too complicated to put in an already long post that I think were setting off the “mom gut” feeling and adding this in with them just makes it really seem like a good idea not to allow my admittedly super-naive DD to go over there or her friend to come over here.

[Emba]

58 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

Was she apologizing profusely?  Was she embarrassed?  

She may have been a little embarrassed, but what she gave me was an explanation (Somebody tools me you were acting sus.) more than an apology, though I can’t remember if it actually included the words “I’m sorry.” It definitely wasn’t  the profuse apology I would have offered anyone I had wrongly accused of stealing, much less an adult guest in my home.

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Emba said:

She may have been a little embarrassed, but what she gave me was an explanation (Somebody tools me you were acting sus.) more than an apology, though I can’t remember if it actually included the words “I’m sorry.” It definitely wasn’t  the profuse apology I would have offered anyone I had wrongly accused of stealing, much less an adult guest in my home.

The idea that this woman would have the nerve to accuse you because somebody told her "you were actings sus," is just bizarre! If anything is missing, the "somebody" is probably the one who stole it. 

Ugh. I would be absolutely livid at the woman, and I would have no contact whatsoever with her in the future -- and if she or her dd asked me why, I would tell her! I really hope your dd backs away from the daughter, because that mom is over-the-top inappropriate, and I wouldn't feel that I could trust the family at all.

[bookbard]

I would be really concerned that your daughter's friend "P" might make up something crazy and dramatic and cause major trouble. For example, someone bumps into her . . . and she accuses them of assault. Or she leaves behind something . . . and it's a theft.

"P" might be lovely, but it might end up blowing up if she tells a parent "X bumped into me" and the parent turns it into something huge and I don't know, calls the police or something?

[BlsdMama]

9 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Yep, this. No way would my kids ever be in their house or their kids in my house. 

Yep. I cannot imagine, cannot remotely imagine, being in this scenario. If she heard this earlier, why not mosey over and get to know you?!

[Katy]

Whoa. Stay away. The tattoos have nothing to do with it. 

[marbel]

If it was my kid, I would tell them not to hang out with P unless they were in a group. Never alone together. And in public places rather than her or your home. They can see each other at school activities, right? It might be hard for your kid to explain to P why she can't, say, come over to her house without outing P's mom. I don't know what she could say, though.

 

Edited August 7, 2022 by marbel

[KrissiK]

I am really speechless. I cannot imagine being treated that way. This woman is completely out of line.  I would stay as far away as I can and keep my daughter away from her as well.

[bolt.]

I would be thinking: Well, okay. These people find the idea that a guest might steal from a host kind of unremarkable, and they approach the possibility quite directly. I guess lots of people live like that, but they aren't really my crowd.

So, I wouldn't be spending much time with them myself.

With my teen, I've found lots of freedom (with lots of time to make her own mistakes) to be good when combined with some (small but clear) servings of parental wisdom. So, for me, I'd maybe storytell and muse about it: "I didn't feel good when she accused me of theft. I'm not really open to more experiences like that, and I also really don't want it to happen to you. How would you feel about minimizing your time at that house?"

I don't tend to make rules that I'm not able/willing to supervise and enforce, so I don't find it wise for me to make a parent-based rule about which houses my kids spend time at in their friend group. (I mean, maybe I would if I thought there was risk to life and limb, but that has never come up...) If my kid doesn't listen to my advice, and has a bad experience at that house (or another house with red-flags that I don't know about) that's not horrible. It will help her be more serious about red-flags that she sees for herself in the future, and it won't truly injure her in any significant or long-lasting way.

Developing her own instincts for safe/unsafe people and places is vastly more important to me than protecting her from this one bad experience in this one house. If she can learn by hearing my story and taking my advice -- that's great. No further learning experiences needed. But if she needs more info to really get the point... that's okay too.

(I might ask that she not bring P to our house, since it seems that in her family a little light pocketing of household items isn't seen as a big deal, which is true for some families, but it means that she might not really feel bad about doing that to us? I wouldn't want that to happen to our stuff, and I wouldn't want a confrontation over it, so I think it's best to avoid having her over. But if having P come by for a few minutes seems unavoidable, be sure to let me know so I can be present and provide a sense of supervision to her time in our home.)

My dd that I'm thinking of is 17 now, so this approach might be a bit too hands off for younger teens, and it might not work well with a different family culture. Just throwing my perspective in the ring.

[Scarlett]

The mom using the word Sus in a serious conversation is weird too.

I would be done for sure.  What if P accuses your son of something?

[teachermom2834]

I think that is absolutely nuts. And while I had a lot of leeway with teens that were “struggling to grow up” as I used to call it and I have a lot of patience for different types of people I would be extremely taken aback by that. 
 

I would be done with that family because I would just think they operated in a world I didn’t even understand. I can’t even relate to that or get my arms around what is going on for that to be even remotely normal so I would be done and staying far away. 

[stephanier.1765]

I can think about a 100 different ways that mother could have handled things better. Seriously, she couldn't even think of one of them. Geesh! I am so sorry that you were put through that. I would be done with that family for good.

[Elizabeth86]

Honestly I’m not sure how I would react, but I know damn well I’d never be back. Kids either. This is crazy. Even if I thought someone stole from me, I doubt I’d confront them. 

[alisoncooks]

How absolutely bizarre. The whole scenario — like actually having you turn out your pockets instead of just coming to you. So strange!

[KungFuPanda]

I think you should have a conversation with the mother to clarify the situation. “I was too stunned to ask at the party, but I wanted to get to the bottom of this. Have I done something to offend you? Is there a reason for keeping the girls apart? I feel like I’m missing a key piece of information here.”

 

Then come back and tell us what she says. 😬

[Lady Florida.]

10 hours ago, Emba said:

She may have been a little embarrassed, but what she gave me was an explanation (Somebody tools me you were acting sus.) more than an apology, though I can’t remember if it actually included the words “I’m sorry.” It definitely wasn’t  the profuse apology I would have offered anyone I had wrongly accused of stealing, much less an adult guest in my home.

Maybe she was embarrassed but the way she asked you to empty your pockets was truly bizarre and actually quite rude. Because someone (who?) said you were "acting sus"? What did that person even mean? In what way did your behavior make them think you were stealing? Mom sounds a little nuts.

As others said I wouldn't encourage the friendship. If your dd is 16 then forbidding a friendship is pretty pointless at that age and often counter productive, but it sounds like dd isn't too keen on P anyway. Hopefully the friendship, if it ever was a real friendship, will die a natural death.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I would simple and completely drop this relationship going forward.  No kids going over there, none of theirs coming to yours.  Period, end of story. 

[alisoncooks]

It would be pretty hard for my kids to drop an already-established friendship, especially over something they didn’t experience. 

That said, I’d encourage hanging out in groups or in public. I definitely wouldn’t want my kids in that home…and I’d think twice before having that kid over. 

[gardenmom5]

12 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Yep, this. No way would my kids ever be in their house or their kids in my house. 

Or even going places with them.  Just because they're out in public, or even a 3rd person's house - doesn't mean nothing would happen.

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Lady Florida. said:

 

As others said I wouldn't encourage the friendship. If your dd is 16 then forbidding a friendship is pretty pointless at that age and often counter productive, but it sounds like dd isn't too keen on P anyway. Hopefully the friendship, if it ever was a real friendship, will die a natural death.

but a good conversation about the potential ramifications of hanging out with whack people . . . The girl still lives at home.  When she's a self-supporting emotionally independent adult who lives away from her parents, that's a whole different story.

[catz]

Oh I’d be super annoyed.  But I doubt hashing it out further with them would be productive.  I would not be encouraging or fostering my kid’s relationship with P.  Though I know that is hard to fully control at age 16.  I would certainly discourage get togethers in that home.  

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, Katy said:

Whoa. Stay away. The tattoos have nothing to do with it. 

unless they really are current gang tats . . . That might explain some things. . . . 

[Spryte]

That’s bonkers. 

I would end my part of the relationship with that family, and would encourage my kid to hang out with the friend only in public spaces.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Spryte

[Lecka]

It is bizarre.  
 

My 17yo son has a friend whose parents I strongly disapprove of, and I used to worry about it, BUT my son sees my side and is on board with seeing the things I think are inappropriate and disappointing.

 

The friend seemed iffy when they were younger but I think as he has gotten older he is a mature kid with pretty good judgment, and he is not just blindly following along with his family.  He is looking outside of his family (my impression).

 

So at this time I encourage the friendship and like the young man.  But I would not want my son at his house or around his parents.  
 

Even these parents I wouldn’t expect, and would be shocked and surprised, if they demanded a guest empty her pockets.  I think that is beyond bizarre.

 

And I think these parents have had no idea where their son was or what he was doing at minimum since age 12, do not encourage him in any way with school and in fact don’t care if he skips school or fail classes.  They also appear to not do any cleaning or maintenance of their house, and pay him his allowance to clean and care for the house and then expect him to take care of himself with his allowance, from the time he was 12.  I have zero respect for them, and their son has himself decided he is going to show up at school and try to do what he needs to do to graduate from high school while his dad does work but the parents appear to be heavy drinkers with little care for their only child.

 

And even then I would be truly shocked to hear they asked someone to empty their pockets.

 

Anyway it’s bizarre.

 

With some of my own background I am very sympathetic to young people who are from a difficult family but seem like they recognize that and are trying to not just follow the same path.  But at the same time if a young person thinks a poor role model is the coolest person ever, I would have a problem with that.

 

If I heard that the friend was so embarrassed at her mom’s behavior that is why she canceled the plans, that would be sympathetic to me (for whatever my opinion would be worth).  
 

If I heard her mom made her cancel

and she wished she could go, that would also be sympathetic to me.
 

But if she was taking sides with her mom I would just think — there is nothing to be gained there, and probably it won’t go well with my child anyway.  

[Lady Florida.]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

but a good conversation about the potential ramifications of hanging out with whack people . . . The girl still lives at home.  When she's a self-supporting emotionally independent adult who lives away from her parents, that's a whole different story.

Right. Full on forbidding a friendship won't work at this age unless the dd has no agency at all (obviously not the case with Emba's dc). Definitely discussions are in order but on a different level than with a young child where you can simply prevent contact with the other family.

[Amethyst]

Oh. That friendship is over, if that happened to me. 

[kristin0713]

Yep, this is super crazy. I agree that it is hard to forbid a friendship at this age. But I would likely tell my kid that I don't want them going to the house and don't want the girl over our house because it is not worth the risk of being falsely accused of stealing or who knows what else. I know that once my kids start driving, I will lose a lot of control of where they are. But I still think that as a parent it is appropriate to say that I don't want them going to a certain place because it is not safe or wise. 

[wintermom]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The mom using the word Sus in a serious conversation is weird too.

I would be done for sure.  What if P accuses your son of something?

I would probably have needed 'sus' translated. Then have explained how sitting on a sofa is a problem at a kids party. What was I suspected of doing, drooling while I napped out of boredom? 😅

[Lady Florida.]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

The mom using the word Sus in a serious conversation is weird too.

 

Maybe I'm just way too old but that doesn't sound like mom language to me. I could be wrong but it sounds like a mom trying to sound like "kids today". 

[SKL]

Strange.  I would not engage with them any more.  I'd be relieved that P called off the sleep-over.

[Emba]

3 hours ago, wintermom said:

I would probably have needed 'sus' translated. Then have explained how sitting on a sofa is a problem at a kids party. What was I suspected of doing, drooling while I napped out of boredom? 😅

My DS is 14 and quite enamored of current slang, so I had no trouble understanding 😝But I also found it. . . Unusual.

i really suspect that me being an introvert at a party full of strangers is what made me look suspicious. But who knows. Obviously I am on a different wavelength

Edited August 8, 2022 by Emba

[Catwoman]

32 minutes ago, Emba said:

My DS is 14 and quite enamored of current slang, so I had no trouble understanding 😝But I also found it. . . Unusual.

i really suspect that me being an introvert at a party full of strangers is what made me look suspicious. But who knows. Obviously I am on a different wavelength

Well, come on over here and sit by me. I'm not on their wavelength, either!

[Harriet Vane]

Your daughter is absolutely not safe there. Not because of the tattoos, but because they're dysfunctional people who make false allegations. People like this have drama all.the.time. I would have an honest conversation with my daughter and I would strongly encourage her to fade away from this friendship. Either way, this is serious enough that I would not allow dd into that house and would likely not allow P into my house either? Or if P comes over, I'd supervise. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Harriet Vane said:

Your daughter is absolutely not safe there. Not because of the tattoos, but because they're dysfunctional people who make false allegations. People like this have drama all.the.time. I would have an honest conversation with my daughter and I would strongly encourage her to fade away from this friendship. Either way, this is serious enough that I would not allow dd into that house and would likely not allow P into my house either? Or if P comes over, I'd supervise. 

With interior security cameras.  That mom isn't going to take the word of a responsible adult.   Video "might" shut her up if she made another accusation.

 

But - I'd be having serious conversations with my child that this is a potentially dangerous relationship because the mom is so crazy, who knows what she might accuse them of doing that could end very badly.