How many high quality “Inner Sanctum” relationships do you have?

[Ginevra]

By that I mean people whom you fully trust with every or almost everything you would want to talk about or confide. For the purposes of this poll, any human being counts - your mom, your counselor, your spouse, your best friend - anyone. 

[DawnM]

I have 5 friends from high school I talk to at least once per week, often more.   We have been friends for a LONG time.   I also have my husband and one close local friend.

I have a "2nd tier" of local friends I share some things with, but they aren't in my "top tier" friend groupt you are talking about.  I share with them, but not as deeply.

 

[TexasProud]

None.

[Elizabeth86]

2 My mom and DH. I can tell my DH anything, but he doesn't really listen like my mom does so mostly just her.

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

None.

I wish we had a hugging emoji. I’m sorry; that’s difficult. 

[Melissa in Australia]

DH

I don't really do friends at all really 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Melissa in Australia

[Shoeless]

My sister.

There is a lot that I can tell DH, but he tends to want to "fix" things, and sometimes I don't want to hear "What you need to do is..." 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

My sister.

There is a lot that I can tell DH, but he tends to want to "fix" things, and sometimes I don't want to hear "What you need to do is..." 

I can relate to this…

[Indigo Blue]

Only my very immediate family. My grown children and my husband. I don’t know if my children count really because I don’t dump certain things on them, unless it concerns them. With other things, I confide in them a few times per year. Dh is a decent listener. Both my sons are a bit better listener than Dh, but again, I only confide in them for certain things and less often than Dh. I would like to confide more with them because they are both so trustworthy, insightful, intelligent, and sweet. But I don’t want to feel as if I’m taking advantage of them. They confide in me, but I’m sure not with EVERYTHING. 
 

I learned long ago I can’t trust anyone else. Or at least I’ve never met anyone yet that has proven that to be wrong. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Rosie_0801]

Trust is a funny sort of concept in my life. There aren't many ways left to damage me, so the worst that can happen is hurt feelings and they pass. It sucks, and depending how it is done, it might be a bit triggering, but oh well.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

None.

Same. Even though I trust DH, there’s so much anymore that we disagree on that it’s not worth discussing.  

[scholastica]

5+ if you include my dh. I have been richly blessed in the last few years. A group of us were just together yesterday talking about authenticity and vulnerability in friendship. It can be difficult to find, but we have and it is so good to be real with each other and realize we are not alone in our struggles.

[Scarlett]

7.  

[alisoncooks]

Not including DH, one. We chat every other month or so. 

[JustEm]

I put 4-5 but it is likely more. Dh, my 2 closest friends I met in college, and my 2 sisters.

But dh and 1 of those friends are the two I confide in the most, which is weekly if things are hectic. And I would tell them both absolutely anything.

The other 3 and likely some other people I'd tell most things. I'm an open book though.

[Terabith]

I put 4-5. One is my husband, one is my father figure/ mentor friend I met on the internet but have traveled to visit several times, another is my friend from here, and the last is my counselor.  Last one I generally see monthly.  Everyone else I talk to daily. 

[Kassia]

40 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Same. Even though I trust DH, there’s so much anymore that we disagree on that it’s not worth discussing.  

Same.  DH is wonderful, amazing, and supportive and I don't know what I'd do without him but there are a few issues that we strongly disagree on so we just don't discuss them.  Or there are things he just doesn't understand and it's not worth discussing (not his fault).  I have friends but no one I can just talk to about anything and everything.  

[Scarlett]

What kind of things can you not discuss with your husbands?

[Scarlett]

I voted 7……and weekly……but how often varies…..Dh is every day.  A few local friends are weekly sometimes less. My best friend since we were 11 monthly or more but if something big is happening maybe daily.  

[1234]

It’s only Dh for me. I stopped trusting many people when oldest came out six years ago and haven’t really allowed anyone new in yet. 

[Insertcreativenamehere]

My mom and two college friends. I talk to my mom almost every day but the college friends every couple of months - more often if something is going on. I know they'd do anything for me, and I for them, even if we don't talk daily. 

I have a couple of other friends that I talk to more often but it's more casual. I think there's definitely deep friendship potential there if we could find more time to spend together. I do know they'd do anything for me, too. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Insertcreativenamehere

[WildflowerMom]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

None.

 

53 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Same. Even though I trust DH, there’s so much anymore that we disagree on that it’s not worth discussing.  

I think I’m in the same boat.    The only people who would come close are dh and my mom and to some extent, ds.  I trust them all completely.    But I just cannot tell them everything, I can’t let them see all of my thoughts, ykwim? 

[elegantlion]

I have  6 people, 3 of them being SO, my son, and my mom. The other 3 are friends from college, and I absolutely trust them (trust is not an easy thing for me after my experience with my ex-dh).  My SO is someone I can confide in every day - we talk about everything and anything. My mom was my confidante for years. I've backed off a little because as she gets older (80s) she worries more, and there are some situations she doesn't understand. My son and I have a non-typical relationship. I do confide in him and him in me. We've always been that way. My friends from college I don't talk to as often anymore but we are still close. 

 

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I put 1 but it should be the 0, almost but we can't talk about xyz.

Even with DH, there are certain things we don't discuss because we have such differing viewpoints.

[cintinative]

The only person who gets an unedited version of me all the time is my counselor.  There are things I tell her I would not tell anyone else because no one else accepts me completely like she does without judgment.  

Like others have mentioned, my husband and I have very different viewpoints on some things and so there are things we don't discuss. 

[East Coast Sue]

My closest friend died a couple of years ago. I’ve tried to make friends but it takes time to develop a close friendship and most people aren’t available. Some have felt close, as in they turn to me in times of crisis, but then they don’t reciprocate. That hurts. 

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

What kind of things can you not discuss with your husbands?

I’m not one that said this, but it is true for me. For me, we can’t typically talk about politics and current events at this time because we believe different things and it is not worth the fight. I generally don’t discuss my psychological state with him because he is a “fixer” and it just makes me feel more alone than I did before I told him. 
 

 

[JustEm]

What about you @Quill, how many people do you have? If you want to share

[Carrie12345]

Dh, I guess.
But there are different types of things I would “confide” to different people.  So, I wouldn’t talk about my homeschooling concerns with the same person I’d discuss general parenting concerns.  Or financial concerns with the same person I’d discuss maybe medical concerns.

I have very few things to “confide”, as in, I don’t want others to know, but I have different people who are more in sync or relatable in different areas of life. 3-4 main ones, aside from dh.

[JustEm]

Also, are there limits to the things you'd share with those people you listed? Like for me, dh and my closest friend get the raw side of me. They have seen me and I've shared my feelings at my worst. They hear the crazy things I think and wouldn't imagine letting most people know I think those things. They listen with tenderness, caring, and zero judgement. 

My sisters and other close friend get most of me. The only aspect of me they don't get is the real personal parts of my marriage. And I don't confide in them with everything even though I would if I needed. But sometimes I only need one person to talk to about an issue. And in order to not overburden  people I  change up you I go to.

The other people I'd likely share most things with don't often get the deepest parts of me simply because I seek comfort in the above people first and then don't need more.

[TexasProud]

28 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m not one that said this, but it is true for me. For me, we can’t typically talk about politics and current events at this time because we believe different things and it is not worth the fight. I generally don’t discuss my psychological state with him because he is a “fixer” and it just makes me feel more alone than I did before I told him. 
 

 

Before Covid, we could discuss politics and current events. That said, we did discuss Covid on our walk this morning and I got rather passionate.  But yeah, he is a fixer and if he can't fix it, then it is all his fault. So nope.  Plus, even after our big discussion and I was telling him I was struggling. His response is please don't go under, I need you to keep me sane.  So yeah, my job as always been, whether my parents, my husband or whoever to be the one that listens and fixes and keeps everything running for everyone else.

[Wheres Toto]

Two - dh and my oldest dd.     I confide in both of them frequently about just about anything.  I guess I don't discuss my sex life with dd, but she does share hers if she has questions so that's not completely reciprocal.

Dd is also the main person I go out to dinner or the movies with.  

I can tell dh anything but I'm the type who talks a lot about things that are bothering me, often repeating myself slightly.  He doesn't really have patience for that.  He feels like it only needs to be discussed once.   

I wish my mother could be counted here but there are many things I won't discuss with her.  She's an excessive worrier and wants to give advice.  But her advice tends along the lines of -don't make waves, listen to the people in charge and don't question things.  Her attitude when I was young was to just listen to "the experts", and with jobs it was to just do the job no matter what, put up with whatever bull you have to.   I guess that worked when she was a desperate single mom, but I feel like it's really crappy advice in general.   

I had one "inner sactum" friend before I married dh but there was a betrayal that hit hard so I'm not so quick to get close.  I never was one to get super close to people anyway so that just pushed it even further away. 

I do have a group of 5-10 friends that are mainly friendly acquaintances, through homeschooling or 4-H or some other activity that I can go out with occasionally, sit down and talk to about surface type things.     

[Guest]

23 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

What about you @Quill, how many people do you have? If you want to share

2-3 whom I completely trust to be supportive and non-judge mental. 4 others in the “except for these subjects” category, including dh. One of those I trust a lot but she is a more recent friend, so she hasn’t yet stood the test of time. She is a wonderful, extremely accepting friend though and I don’t think anything I might tell her would cause her to recoil or minimize the friendship. 
 

I don’t share things on a very regular basis, though. It’s maybe a few times a year or if a crisis happened. My most trusted friend and I had a meet-up last night and we were talking about this topic because she has this with her parents and sibs but I don’t. This friend also has a very serious cancer and so some of our discussion was in that context; who do you go to when you get bitch-slapped by life. She finds it sad that my parents and siblings are not in that category. I’m not really sad about that myself though; I feel like I have worked through that and accept it. 

[TheReader]

Two for me - dh and one very close friend. 

I wasn't sure exactly how to answer "how often do you confide in them" because of course I talk with my DH daily, and my good friend used to be at least weekly, now at least monthly, since she moved out of state.....but not every conversation has a "confide" level of conversation. 

Both of them, though (and really I should include that my friend's husband is equally trusted by my DH, when the big stuff happens), have seen me at my absolute worst, no judgement. 

My family would very decidedly NOT be on that list (parents, siblings, etc.)  My Grandma would be on it; I don't visit her enough, but I trust her with 100% of me. 

[Kassia]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

What kind of things can you not discuss with your husbands?

Some politics and social issues.  Not everything, but there are just some topics we are on opposite sides of and feel passionate about.  Also, I have had eating disorders for my entire life.  DH is supportive but truly doesn't get it even after all these years.  So it's not worth talking to him about - that's not his fault.

 

42 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

But there are different types of things I would “confide” to different people.  So, I wouldn’t talk about my homeschooling concerns with the same person I’d discuss general parenting concerns.  Or financial concerns with the same person I’d discuss maybe medical concerns.

I have very few things to “confide”, as in, I don’t want others to know, but I have different people who are more in sync or relatable in different areas of life. 3-4 main ones, aside from dh.

Yes, that's how I feel - I have different friends for different issues, concerns, topics.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

1 hour ago, Kassia said:

Same.  DH is wonderful, amazing, and supportive and I don't know what I'd do without him but there are a few issues that we strongly disagree on so we just don't discuss them.  Or there are things he just doesn't understand and it's not worth discussing (not his fault).  I have friends but no one I can just talk to about anything and everything.  

Yes. This is better worded than mine.  
At the moment I feel like we disagree on everything and I’ve giving up trying to discuss things.  He’s an extreme isolationist, has never had more than one friend and never felt the need for any, does not want to have people over, does not want to meet people. I am not really an extrovert but I’m very lonely.  He likes where we work(he’s a supervisor) and I hate it, but every other job offer I have gotten is at least a $20,000 a year pay cut and more half been in the 50% range.  So we don’t talk about work because it’s a fight.  Right now we can’t rationally discuss schools because he hated brick and mortar school so passionately that he wants no involvement in our kids education and thinks formal schooling is worthless, but then he liked being homeschooled but is adamantly against homeschooling our kids, two of whom are in a school that rates highly but we’ve found to be poor academically in practice. I finally told him last night that he has to decide what is more important to him. I can either work full time or I can get our two youngest children up to grade level before fall.  We can’t have both when full time at my current job is 57 hours a week.  We moved back to his hometown, and he loves it here, but the school and the kids’ dislike of country living is a problem(they miss having other kids in the neighborhood to play with, and there is no place here to ride their bikes because people drive stupid on these backroads). So that always dissolved into a fight. 

So at this point, I really don’t talk to anyone about anything important.

Edited June 15, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[mommyoffive]

Only dh.  I hate that I only have him because telling him the things that are bugging me or upsetting me just makes me feel like such a drain.

[Farrar]

Interesting question.

I have one person that I confide almost everything and talk to every day - that's dh. After that, I have maybe half a dozen or so more people who I absolutely know I could turn to at any time. But some of them live close and I chat with them often and confide things. Others live farther away and I don't see them often and we only talk occasionally - I just know they'd be there for me and I could call them up and tell them things in a crisis if I needed to.

I also tend to break up my things. I tell my mother some things and we're very close... but she's older, she can be weird about some things, so I don't tell her absolutely everything. Also, she's my mom. I'm not going to unspool about my sex life to her, for example. So I have other friends where it's like this... where I tend to talk about some things but not others - parenting, bodies, sex, philosophy, etc. Like, I have two friends I see often and hang out with and I could totally lean on and say whatever to either of them. But one is younger, one is older. We have different things we talk about.

[Farrar]

I'm reading the responses to this and I think there's a bit of a generation gap in expectations around some of this. I was talking to my good friend who's a bit younger and her bff and they were saying how utterly foreign it is to them that their mothers don't have a wider circle of people to lean on than just their husbands and how limiting they would find that. They both have really wide networks of friendships that I see echoed among other millennials in my life, like my step-sister. 

[livetoread]

1 hour ago, elegantlion said:

My mom was my confidante for years. I've backed off a little because as she gets older (80s) she worries more, and there are some situations she doesn't understand.

I counted my mom but I'm experiencing the same thing. When I was going through a severe crisis with one of our young adult kids last year she was amazing like she always has been for me. However, I am trying to pull back since I see how much even little things stress her out and make her worry so much more than they used to.  We still chat a lot but there are more things I don't discuss with her and I am becoming more of a support for her than the other way around.

[Spryte]

I think this can vary over the years, but I generally have three active people at any given time. DH, always. He’s the first and foremost. And various friends — these have shifted over the years but generally once we hit that point even if we drift apart we can come right back to that inner sanctum space, so while three might be active on a daily/weekly basis, there are more out there, should we need each other. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Spryte

[aggie96]

None, I used to have 1 but we physically moved away from each other 9 years ago, and we are extremely busy people running our own businesses. On the very rare occasions (2 in 9 years) that we've physically seen each other, it's like we never missed a day, but it is so infrequent that it does not count for this discussion.

Can't talk to DH about much. It always dissolves into confrontation or disappointment or misunderstanding or a fight or a stand-off  etc etc.

Perfect case in point. We've been up for 2 hours. We have very, very expensive landscape job being completed today. They arrived with plants. I have repeatedly said over past 2 months what the size of the plants would be. First thing said to me was demanding an explanation on why plants were so "small". What are paying these guys for? Why didn't he know about this? We are getting screwed. Etc. I had just walked into his office that was overlooking the operation to tell him how excited I was that after 2 months, we are finally getting to the exciting part and how gorgeous it'll all look by the end of the day. But nope. Just had to be quiet or else it would blow up like a bomb. And I have no one else to confide in because of the cost and scale of the project that anyone in my life thinks is frivolous (even though it's literally my money I worked/saved for this--not even DH's).

 

Just a benign example. You can imagine how "big" topics go down.

[JustEm]

57 minutes ago, Quill said:

2-3 whom I completely trust to be supportive and non-judge mental. 4 others in the “except for these subjects” category, including dh. One of those I trust a lot but she is a more recent friend, so she hasn’t yet stood the test of time. She is a wonderful, extremely accepting friend though and I don’t think anything I might tell her would cause her to recoil or minimize the friendship. 
 

I don’t share things on a very regular basis, though. It’s maybe a few times a year or if a crisis happened. My most trusted friend and I had a meet-up last night and we were talking about this topic because she has this with her parents and sibs but I don’t. This friend also has a very serious cancer and so some of our discussion was in that context; who do you go to when you get bitch-slapped by life. She finds it sad that my parents and siblings are not in that category. I’m not really sad about that myself though; I feel like I have worked through that and accept it. 

It is all about life experience and perspective. Because blood relatives can be everything to someone but there is no reason they need to be.  If they don't deserve your trust on that level then they are missing out, not you(general you.) 

I could likely add my parents to my list and likely all my other siblings too.  Because none of them would ever judge my and they would certainly be people I confide in with regards to a medical emergency.  But I just don't need THAT many people to be regular confidants. 

[Pawz4me]

Three -- DH, one of my sisters-in-law and oldest DS (to some extent).

I used to have three super close friends from all the way back in elementary school but we've kind of fallen away in the last two/three years. I think some of it was DH's cancer diagnosis. So many people don't know how to cope with someone (or their spouse) dealing with that. Ghosting people with cancer is definitely a real thing. I think part of it was the pandemic, and part of it is that they've all got their own things to deal with, too. I process things in my own head and have never felt a huge need for friends, so it's okay.

[Wilma]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I’m not one that said this, but it is true for me. For me, we can’t typically talk about politics and current events at this time because we believe different things and it is not worth the fight. I generally don’t discuss my psychological state with him because he is a “fixer” and it just makes me feel more alone than I did before I told him. 
 

 

OMG, same same same. Right down to the feeling more alone after talking to an unsympathetic/uncomprehending husband.

[Wheres Toto]

22 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm reading the responses to this and I think there's a bit of a generation gap in expectations around some of this. I was talking to my good friend who's a bit younger and her bff and they were saying how utterly foreign it is to them that their mothers don't have a wider circle of people to lean on than just their husbands and how limiting they would find that. They both have really wide networks of friendships that I see echoed among other millennials in my life, like my step-sister. 

This is definitely the case for my oldest.  She doesn't really express surprise that I don't have more friends (she's well aware that I'm pretty introverted), but she has a pretty wide network of friends that she is close to.  Some she's been friends with since elementary school, some from high school (she changed districts for high school), some from dance, some from college.  

[Farrar]

I feel pretty settled and happy with my network, by the way. 

I worry deeply about dh, who only has me. Anyone else in this state? Like, I love dh so much. He's so excellent. Many people think so. Other than me and the kids, he keeps them all (even his family) at arm's length. He pushes people away when they get too close.

[TechWife]

I put 1-3. I have a long time counselor that I am comfortable with, but I only see him a few times a year. I can easily talk to my husband about anything.

That's it. With others, it's either entirely a professional relationship or is a friendship where we can talk about almost everything, with the exception of one or two topics (politics or family matters might be off the table, for example).

 

[QueenCat]

37 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm reading the responses to this and I think there's a bit of a generation gap in expectations around some of this. I was talking to my good friend who's a bit younger and her bff and they were saying how utterly foreign it is to them that their mothers don't have a wider circle of people to lean on than just their husbands and how limiting they would find that. They both have really wide networks of friendships that I see echoed among other millennials in my life, like my step-sister. 

Interesting... I'm in my mid-50s and absolutely have a good, solid network of friends. Still building a new one, since we moved about 8 months ago, but definitely am progressing with that. My mother always had a group of good friends. Most people I know seem to have that. 

[Tap]

1 that I know i can say anything to. I don't talk about intimate issues, but if we wanted to, I could.

A couple others who I know I can talk to about various parts of my life in depth and they will completely  understand. 

.