Wedding Woes - I need to vent! UPDATE

[mom2scouts]

My son is getting married this weekend to his long time girlfriend. She's never really warmed up to us although we've tried our best to make her feel part of the family. At first she was outright hostile to us for some unknown reason, but now she's at least cordial. A year ago they started planning the wedding and asked how much money we could contribute. We told our son that we weren't in a position to help with much more than a few hundred dollars here and there throughout the year of planning. DH has a job he loves, but it has moderate pay and no benefits. Dh is in his 60's and has NO retirement savings. I'm not far behind in age and haven't been employed for a long time. He told us his fiance's parents were taking out a home equity loan for their only child and we could do that! We already have one! We also have other debt we are trying desperately to pay off from a long stint of un/underemployment. Over the years we have sacrificed financially for all our kids to be able to do whatever activities they wanted and try all kinds of new things. This son definitely got his share of that. Our investment has been in our children with sports, trips, homeschooling, and events. I don't regret that at all, but we still have kids at home!

Now the wedding is here and our side of the family is feeling hurt and angry. My son chose a bunch of groomsmen and I only know one of them. Most are college friends of his fiance that I've never met. Not one of his THREE brothers were asked to be in the wedding and he has a great relationship with all of them. His 13 year old sister who loves this kind of stuff has not been included in any way at all and she was visibly hurt. My mom and sister were hurt that they weren't even invited to the bridal shower. We were never asked if we had any friends or family members we would like to attend the wedding. My parents and one nearby sister were invited. Other sisters and family members weren't. At first I was like, "Whatever, it's his wedding. He can have whoever he wants" but the slights just keep coming.  He informed his father just weeks ago that he's expected to rent a $200 tux despite not really being part of the ceremony at all. I had to buy a fancy dress and have it altered. He asked last week if we'd build an arch like thing for the wedding. Fine, that's something  we can do, only costs a few hundred for materials plus our time, but he could've asked a little earlier! All through the year he kept cominig and asking for money and we kept reiterating our financial situation. A few weeks ago he asked if we would pay for the rehearsal dinner. He wanted to take 25-30 people, most of whom we've never met, to a restaurant that I've never gone to (because it's not in my budget!) for a meal and drinks. We told him (again) that there's no way we can afford a $2000 dinner, but we would be happy to host a nice cookout or something casual before the fancy wedding. Nevermind, he told us, the bride's family will get a bigger loan!!! Now we're supposed to go to the rehearsal, help set up the decorations, and then go to the (too expensive) rehearsal dinner. Oh, and the two siblings who still live at home aren't invited to the rehearsal dinner. My other daughter-in-law who went out of her way to include our family as much as possible in the wedding is shocked. She thought they might be invited to the rehearsal dinner since they're family and I had to tell her I wasn't even sure I would be since I wasn't paying for it.

My own wedding was very simple and inexpensive and I don't feel obligated to go further into debt to be treated as a part of my own son's wedding. If they want a big, expensive sit down dinner, live music, and open bar party than they need to find a way to pay for it. I just want my family to be included in the wedding as though we have something to do with the groom.

Edited July 6, 2019 by mom2scouts
Spelling, clarification

[Annie G]

I’m so sorry. 

At this point your son can’t fix the fact that your family has been left out. And I don’t think he wants to. The best you can do is attend the wedding and hope that at some point in the future he matures and realizes he’s hurt you all. 

I’d Probably skip the rehearsal dinner because it’ll just be hurtful. You don’t want that fresh hurt to make the wedding even more painful. Just go to the rehearsal, and as your part is done and you’re heading out, let ds know that you’ll see him tomorrow. If he can invite 30 people but not his siblings, well...not sure he’s going to care if you’re not there. 

I’m Sorry.  I really do hope that once the wedding is over they will be more kind. But it’s ok to feel hurt!

[*LC]

Definitely sounds like a hard place. Vent away, so you can get these slights out of your mind and enjoy the wedding.

I would suggest you remember that it would have cost hundreds of dollars in tux rentals for your three sons to be groomsmen. And that weddings make some people crazy. 

 

 

 

[vonfirmath]

1 minute ago, Annie G said:

I’m so sorry. 

At this point your son can’t fix the fact that your family has been left out. And I don’t think he wants to. The best you can do is attend the wedding and hope that at some point in the future he matures and realizes he’s hurt you all. 

I’d Probably skip the rehearsal dinner because it’ll just be hurtful. You don’t want that fresh hurt to make the wedding even more painful. Just go to the rehearsal, and as your part is done and you’re heading out, let ds know that you’ll see him tomorrow. If he can invite 30 people but not his siblings, well...not sure he’s going to care if you’re not there. 

I’m Sorry.  I really do hope that once the wedding is over they will be more kind. But it’s ok to feel hurt!

 

I'm stunned that the bride thought she could decide what the rehearsal dinner was like. Neither i nor my husband had any say in that. We let my husband's parents know who was going to be involved in the wedding. On their own, they invited a few more relatives that were going to be in town and they decided where the rehearsal dinner was going to be, etc.

[vonfirmath]

4 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I’m so sorry. 

At this point your son can’t fix the fact that your family has been left out. And I don’t think he wants to. The best you can do is attend the wedding and hope that at some point in the future he matures and realizes he’s hurt you all. 

I’d Probably skip the rehearsal dinner because it’ll just be hurtful. You don’t want that fresh hurt to make the wedding even more painful. Just go to the rehearsal, and as your part is done and you’re heading out, let ds know that you’ll see him tomorrow. If he can invite 30 people but not his siblings, well...not sure he’s going to care if you’re not there. 

I’m Sorry.  I really do hope that once the wedding is over they will be more kind. But it’s ok to feel hurt!

 

Will the parents not being at the rehearsal dinner cause problems in the future -- will son feel more left out?

None of us (my husband, my kids, etc) were invited to play any part in sister-in-law's wedding but we were at least all invited.  (And SIL was one of my bridesmaids. It's just my husband and his sister in their family).  I wonder how much that had to do with my MIL paying for the wedding and wanting us involved.

Edited July 5, 2019 by vonfirmath

[Liz CA]

Oh, it sounds stressful and hurtful. Hopefully your relationship with your DIL will improve over the years. I always think the wedding is just the starting point. Too sad that too often it's turning into a source of stress and grief. I am also in favor of less lavish weddings - especially if money is tight - but many people feel it's the time to pull out all stops. I would probably try to go along with the flow and try not to think too much about all the details and try even harder not to be offended, especially since the wedding is this weekend and practically upon you. 

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Are the two siblings not invited because they are minors? Is it a kid free wedding?

It looks like they mostly want Mom and Dad, dressed to the nines, and your contributions and involvement are now just this:

1. Build the arch

2. Help with decorations

3. Go to the rehearsal and dinner.

I would do all of this but no more, and act as pleasant as if I wasn't offended. And I wouldn't say anything about all the rudeness and slights.

Do not boycott the rehearsal dinner. That would cause a lot of confusion and drama, just for your pride.

I am sorry; I've got a married son and I would be so upset if his wedding had gone this way! I'm not saying NOT to be upset. I'm glad you can vent here, and I'd probably go ahead and gossip with the other DIL while still taking the high road. LOL 

But in the long run, you'll be glad to have kept the drama and hard feelings to a minimum. You still have such a long way to go (I hope) with this couple. Set the precedent now that you can't be steamrollered but you'll never be rude. You've done a great job at this already.

[mom2scouts]

4 minutes ago, *LC said:

Definitely sounds like a hard place. Vent away, so you can get these slights out of your mind and enjoy the wedding.

I would suggest you remember that it would have cost hundreds of dollars in tux rentals for your three sons to be groomsmen. And that weddings make some people crazy. 

 

 

 

Two of these sons are adults who are doing well financially and would have paid for their own tuxes and probably even have offered to help with younger son.

[JustEm]

I'm sorry, all of that sounds so difficult. 

[Innisfree]

I'm so sorry. What a mess.

At this point, I'd remember the wedding will soon be over. Go to the rehearsal dinner, be cordial to everyone, try to enjoy the actual wedding. Don't burn any bridges.

Then just focus on being the same good parents it sounds like you have always been. Maintain your relationship with your son, be friendly to his wife, and give it all some time. I hope once the wedding mania passes things will be better.

[almondbutterandjelly]

((hugs)) Weddings are hard.  Vent away.  I do want to say that they are young, and there's a lot they don't know yet.  Your ds may have turned over everything to his fiance, and is letting her make all the plans.  She may not think to invite all the people you would like invited, and she may not be aware enough to know that she should ask.  So much is youth and also previous wedding experience or lack thereof, quite honestly.  You are entitled to your feelings, and I would be hurt, too, but I don't think it's intended to be hurtful.  Ignorance and differences in knowledge and differences in family culture can explain a lot of it.  ((hugs again))

[Pen]

I’m so sorry.  

I agree that best thing to do would be to make the arch as agreed and to go to the rehearsal and dinner and wedding itself.

 

 

43 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

My own wedding was very simple and inexpensive and I don't feel obligated to go further into debt to be treated as a part of my own son's wedding. If they want a big, expensive sit down dinner, live music, and open bar party than they need to find a way to pay for it. I just want my family to be included in the wedding as though we have something to do with the groom.

 

Sounds like they did: Bride family.   I hope the bride’s parents don’t end up regretting taking out a loan for the wedding.  Myself , I would not do that.  

 

If you are present at the wedding and acknowledged to be his parents, it seems like you are covered — not the way you want, but not excluded.  Maybe siblings still at home can help build the arch.  

It sounds like bride has chosen a mostly peers type celebration in terms of participation in wedding ceremony. 

As an only child she may not have a sense of bigger family weddings and giving parts to siblings, Family,  may not be on her radar. 

I personally haven’t seen aunts and grandmas at bridal showers or hen parties — only friends and sometimes sisters.  It’s been a party thrown by a friend of the bride and not even the bride doing invitations iirc.  Obviously different places and cultures must be different as to what is usually done. Most people I know haven’t had bridal showers/hen parties or stag parties at all.

[Valley Girl]

I'm so sorry your son and future DIL are behaving so badly, but especially your son. Yeah, it's their wedding, blah, blah, and they can do what they want certainly. But they should not (1) expect their parents to put themselves in obvious financial difficulty to fund it and (2) then "punish" them for not being willing to take on that burden. Shame on him. (And I mean it.)

People upthread had some good suggestions. I hope that you are able to go and have a lovely day despite everything. I also hope that time helps the newlyweds grow up and learn to appreciate the sacrifices you made for your son and the love and support that still surrounds them.

[J-rap]

I'm so sorry -- I'm sure that hurts a lot.  I guess all you can do is be clear about your limits, and be as loving and patient as possible.  (Even though you probably want to yell and give everyone a talking to.)

[PrincessMommy]

I'm so sorry too.. What a difficult spot to be in.  Not including his own brothers as groomsmen is very sad.  Dictating how the rehearsal dinner should go??? Sheesh!!!    I'm going to assume that the bride is running the show completely and your son isn't standing up for himself.  Again, I'm so sorry.  All of that is very hurtful.  

[HomeAgain]

I’m sorry. Young adults can be thoughtless. It’s a stage I’m sure many of us have gone through. Maybe not to the same degree or same choices, but not quite understanding the value of others.

You’ve gotten some good advice here. I won’t add on more than this- remember it all in the coming years. It can take quite a while for comprehension of adulting to sink in and there very well could be other similar scenarios to play out before that happens.

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

It sounds like bride has chosen a mostly peers type celebration in terms of participation in wedding ceremony. 

As an only child she may not have a sense of bigger family weddings and giving parts to siblings, Family,  may not be on her radar. 

I am sorry it's going this way. I think it's really rude, but I agree that you should go and do your best to enjoy it. I think the above is probably very insightful. 

[scholastica]

I am so sorry about they way things have gone. I hope their marriage goes well, and relationships improve.

[catz]

It is possible he thought you might resist having his brothers in the wedding due to the expense of renting tuxes?   I just caught 2 of the them are adults.  In this case,  are the brothers hurt?  If they're fine and they're adults, then I wouldn't worry about it.   They get to define their sibling relationship moving forward.  This may just be a family culture thing and not an intentional slight.  It really does sound like the bride has taken control and maybe your son just doesn't care enough about the single day event to rock the boat.  I would try and assume the best, grin and bear it, do the minimum and leave it behind.  They'll learn a lot in their coming years.  

And it's completely crazy to take out a home equity loan for a wedding for almost anyone.  Maybe if you had NO debt at all including your mortgage and you wanted to spread out payments over a year or 2.  Your kids should be thanking you for having an eye toward your elder years if you have nothing in retirement now.  Many hugs.  

I had an odd couple of showers myself and not everyone got invited to one.  It depended who was hosting and the rest attending, etc.  My grandmothers didn't attend my showers.  Did your side consider hosting a couple's shower or an engagement party if you wanted to have control over an event?  That might be something to keep in mind for your other kids is to have someone on your side throw a shower.  

Edited July 5, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[gardenmom5]

I'm very sorry.  I say this gently, and sadly, I wouldn't be surprised if this behavior escalates after they have children, or the marriage ends in divorce. 

I'd also make the suggestion the girlfriend doesn't like you because you're not an extravagant spender.

[fairfarmhand]

When these goofy expectations come up with my oldest, as far as spending money for her (she's an adult), I lightheartedly say, "Hon, we are planning for our future so we can have enough money to not have to live in your basement in our senior years. That's MY gift to you." 

I have 4 kids. I'm not going to be able to be extravagant with any of them. We can have a nice wedding, an adequate college education, a pleasant graduation party on the budget we have for our family. If they want more than that, they can go earn the money to do so."

I'm sorry there are hurt feelings. That really stings.

[Sweets]

Hello, I hope that this situation can resolve, because weddings can be so stressful. And in addition, being the MIL (groom's mom) is especially hard relationship! I have a little experience - sadly, very similar to your situation. It did not end well. My oldest son married 2013, baby 2014, separated 2015, divorced 2016, and still dealing with the financial aftermath. At first, we loved our ex-DIL - she really made us her family. I look back though and can see the signs - all financial. We were upper middle class, not rich, but comfortable, thanks to my husband's hard working. She thought we were rich for some reason. The wedding was supposed to be a mini-royal wedding. Her family did nothing, other than contributing a nice sports car to drive her to the wedding and host the bridal shower. We did the food and even paid for the honeymoon. 

She had a honeymoon baby and then life got really unhappy. She was not happy about the demands of being a new mother as well as being tied down. The other grandma and I watched the baby a lot, because my DIL went back to work quickly. We had no idea though how bad things were getting as we tried very hard to stay out of my son's life - until early Sunday morning he came to me and just had a mini-breakdown. She was spending thousands of $ on a new idea for a business she wanted to start - all funded by him. He was maxed out on credit cards and the house was going into foreclosure because she wasn't making the house payment! He was really stunned by this, because he loved and trusted her so much. She had all control of finances. I spent the day planning steps for him to take, and thank God, he listened to me a little bit. I had some experience because my mother went through a horrendous divorce and I remember the problems she had with finances. Then it got bad - really bad. People listened to her story of our family being horrible to her. My son had been in counseling for several months before he made the decision that he couldn't do this anymore. He made the decision to divorce her. In the process, she had called the cops on him, busted out the windows of his house, told everyone he was beating her, and on and on. The one thing I can say is that she never kept our grandchild away from us - probably because we were free babysitters. The other grandma (her mother) had gone back to work.

It's a long story and I'm trying to condense it. My son is financially trying to rebuild his credit. It seems like he can't catch a break though as the bills from their marriage keep coming. Close to $30K in credit cards she took out. She did open her business. They do share custody of their child. He still pays for everything for the child, and we get her all the time anyway for babysitting. My poor grandchild has really been put through a lot. Funny though - she quickly remarried - not sure why as she told everyone she hated being "tied down." But her family and the new groom's family must have not paid anything as it was a small wedding by the lake. They live with her mother. He doesn't work. You get the picture, I think. My son has PTSD - literally traumatized by this divorce. He dates but is very commitment shy. He says he will never, ever marry anyone every again. He is only 29. 

My advice to you after telling you our story is this:  Try to stay out of it. I had a hard time doing this. I could not keep myself from giving advice to my son, but he didn't want to hear my advice except that one day he came to the one person on this planet who he could trust - me. And cried and cried. But after that, he wanted me to stay out of his life and was very insistent on the things I could and could not do towards him and his ex and my grandchild. Of course, it was hard, but I know he is a grown man who needs to work through this on his own. So, I have to trust him to find his way and help when he asks for it. The other advice is to stick to your guns. DO NOT pay more than you can for anything. I think the demands on you guys financially is ridiculous. You have offered help - learn to say no to everything else. As far as the hurt feelings, just realize that it's not going to change anything. The bride will do this her way. My niece refused to invite her grandmother (my MIL) to her wedding. It shocked all of us, and my husband and I refused to go if my MIL was not invited. My niece said it was because grandma was "mean." But grandma paid for college and gave her a car to go to college! It was stupid. We sent a small gift and stayed home. Grandma cried for weeks about it. Then, when my niece divorced after six months and wanted to remarry another guy, grandma (tough old lady) basically told my niece don't invite me again. No one in the family went to that wedding. She had hurt to many feelings with her diva demands. (Her own father and step-mother paid for all the first wedding $20K, and said no to the second wedding.) 

Good luck. Put on your beautiful dress, dance, and smile. Then go home and pray real hard that your son will do good in his new life. It's a rocky road being a MIL!!

[lynn]

Sorry it's been tough.  You were given some good advice that I am listening to.  My son gets married the 13th.  I think it's the first real wedding in fdil family for a while.   They are paying everything.  My 13 year old daughter had no interest in being in the wedding and that's okay with her brother and fdil as far as we know.   We offered to give them money or have rehearsal dinner but thankfully they are not big wedding people so rehearsal dinner will only be $200.   fdil wanted a dinner so to each their own I guess.  I am kind of stressing the 14 people participating in the wedding are invited ;not the entire 50 relatives that live around her, they are invited to wedding Saturday.   Trying not to stress to much.  Sad that our youngest son is in the Navy and was just home before going to his first command 2500 miles away and won't be here but other than that I am good with the wedding and everything.  Hardest part so far convincing my jeans and t-shirt dd that she can wear a dress for 3 hours of her life.  I found one she can where her shorts under if she feels more comfortable just hoping she doesn't throw her hoodie on over it......  Good luck to you and yours.   I hope that day goes well.

[Guest]

I’m sorry. That totally stinks. 

My one comment I want to mention is: you don’t *have* to buy a dress that someone else wants you to wear as MoG. You can say No. You can say you like whatever dress and this is the one you’re wearing. 

It sounds to me as though too little frank communication happened in the earlier stages, which is really unfortunate. 

[BusyMom5]

Big hugs!  Defiantely go and support your son!  I think that You are seeing this from a mature, family focus perspective, while she, an only (seemingly spoiled) child, is seeing it like a big party w/ her as the main star of the show.  I cannot imagine taking out a home loan for a wedding is normal, and I worry very much for your son and the future of this marriage.  My hope is that they will both mature, and eventually you will all be able to get past this rough beginning and into a good relationship.  Keep supporting your son, he's going to need it!  You need to be the voice of kindness and reason, firm, but loving.  Not paying $2000 for a rehearsal dinner doesn't make you bad parents.  It makes you reasonable people.  

 

Also, it's very possible that both of them do not realize that they are hurting you with their choices.  Try toremember that!  Your son may not really know much about weddings and family, he may just look at it as a big party and do whatever his future wife says- lots of people think that's what they are supposed to do, unfortunately.  And since she is an only child, she has no way of knowing how a sibling bond works.  

Hug your other DIL!  Vent if you need to, she's probably also in awe of the audacity.  Let her know you appreciate and love her 🙂

[kiwik]

I am confused by why she thought it was OK to ask you for money.  Traditionally the bride's family pays but now marriage can be delayed most people grown up enough to be married have jobs and pay for their own.  I don't get this big wedding thing, it is such a waste particularly if you get divorced.

[hippiemamato3]

5 minutes ago, kiwik said:

I am confused by why she thought it was OK to ask you for money.  Traditionally the bride's family pays but now marriage can be delayed most people grown up enough to be married have jobs and pay for their own.  I don't get this big wedding thing, it is such a waste particularly if you get divorced.

It is traditional for the groom's family to pay for the rehearsal dinner. However, that doesn't make it an obligation. I think that's probably why they asked though. 

[maize]

22 minutes ago, mms said:

Well, I would think that whoever is paying gets to decide how to spend the money.  If they wanted to go the traditional route of having his parents pay they should have graciously accepted the offer of the cook out rather than dictating how it should be done.

This.

If the bride's family pays for the reception, they get to make most of the choices about it--groom's family doesn't get to dictate that it be at an expensive venue with fancy catering.

If groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner bride's family don't get to dictate where it is and what they eat and who to invite.

[Liz CA]

33 minutes ago, mms said:

But is it possible to actually win with weddings?  I just wanted to get married with parents and siblings as witnesses and then have a small family dinner at my parents' afterwards: that went over real well with everybody... 

 

It can be a terrible conundrum and ends up confirming the old adage "You can't please everyone." I think over time weddings have been overblown and become so expensive. Additionally, there are so many emotions involved that must make it feel like a tightrope walk. I totally get the elopement thing...  🙂

I just hope OP and her family can find some joy in the festivities and come away with some good memories.

[Garga]

6 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

I’m sorry. Young adults can be thoughtless. It’s a stage I’m sure many of us have gone through. Maybe not to the same degree or same choices, but not quite understanding the value of others.

You’ve gotten some good advice here. I won’t add on more than this- remember it all in the coming years. It can take quite a while for comprehension of adulting to sink in and there very well could be other similar scenarios to play out before that happens.

 

 

2 hours ago, BusyMom5 said:

Also, it's very possible that both of them do not realize that they are hurting you with their choices.  Try toremember that!  Your son may not really know much about weddings and family, he may just look at it as a big party and do whatever his future wife says- lots of people think that's what they are supposed to do, unfortunately.  And since she is an only child, she has no way of knowing how a sibling bond works.  

Hug your other DIL!  Vent if you need to, she's probably also in awe of the audacity.  Let her know you appreciate and love her 🙂

 

I was a thoughtless young adult when I got married.  I completely didn’t understand the importance of family.  I was an only child and we lived literally 2500 miles from the next nearest relative.  My family was my mom and dad.  Full stop.  So I didn’t understand cousins and siblings and grandmas.  

Looking back, I can see now that I was cold and prickly about my wedding and didn’t understand that the way I handled things wasn’t gracious.  

Now in my defense, I wanted a courthouse wedding with only a couple of witnesses, and I compromised by having a tiny ceremony in a church with my mil, fil, bil, and a grandma invited.  I felt like I’d made a HUGE concession by having a tiny wedding which they seemed to want vs the courthouse which was what I wanted.  But I still had no clue how very brusque I came across to them about the whole affair.  

I’m sorry though, that you’re going through this.  I think many young people know the right thing to do and how to make everyone feel good about a wedding, but some are utterly clueless.  And it sounds like the values surrounding money that were passed down from her family are in utter opposition to your values.  It’s very, very hard to compromise and have understanding in regards to different values about money.  

Edited July 6, 2019 by Garga

[hippiemamato3]

49 minutes ago, mms said:

Well, I would think that whoever is paying gets to decide how to spend the money.  If they wanted to go the traditional route of having his parents pay they should have graciously accepted the offer of the cook out rather than dictating how it should be done.

I 100% agree! 

[MaBelle]

Whoa.  That's tough.  I'm sorry.  She sounds like a piece of work.  Just try to keep communication open with your son and be there for him (if/when) he has trouble with her down the road.  Seems likely.

[MaBelle]

Well, when we got married (Southern gal to midwest guy) my parents threw a huge wedding, 800 guests at the country club with an open bar, band and dinner.  My inlaws thought I was an alien.  They never liked me, especially the mil.  This is how weddings are done in our South and they pale in comparison to how my nieces and nephew still in my hometown are getting married.

So where is the bride from?  Although I have to say when I was married at 20 it was my wedding and I got what I wanted. I figured since we paid for it (including rehearsal dinner) we could do it our way.

ETA- we did include everyone they wanted.

Edited July 6, 2019 by MaBelle

[mom2scouts]

I'm actually glad we went to the rehearsal and dinner because we found out that both my son and his fiance are totally clueless about wedding planning. I thought the mother was helping them navigate all the details, but it turns out she was just helping with some bigger stuff like the cake, dress shopping, and decorations.  When we did the rehearsal, it was obvious that there are so many things they never thought about because they didn't know they needed to think about them. We asked about seating the parents and they just looked at us, so I asked my son if he had ushers. He said no and when I asked why he said he didn't know that's something he should have. Then they decided maybe they should ask the brothers to seat the parents. LOL. We also asked if they wanted a receiving line or not and the bride didn't even understand what we were talking about. I asked if the bride had a train on her dress because nobody had instructed one of her attendents that they would need to help her with the train. I don't think either of them ever even thought about asking us for guests we wanted to invite. As for not inviting the siblings to the rehearsal dinner, I guess they just figured that they didn't need to be at the rehearsal, so they wouldn't need to be at the rehearsal dinner. So yes, young and clueless explains a lot about this situation, but I'm still glad they didn't talk us into spending more than is reasonable for us.

As for cultural differences, the bride grew up just a few miles away from us and is definitely NOT from an affluent familly. It turns out that my son and his fiance are the first of their friends to get married and they haven't seen many weddings at all!

[katilac]

I'm sorry, my feelings would be hurt as well. They're being thoughtless. 

However, I think posts painting a clear path from this to misery and divorce are going a bit far, lol. As others have pointed out, lots of people, especially young people, are thoughtless when it comes to stuff like weddings. And I mean that in the most literal sense of the word: they are simply giving no thought to how others might feel. They're not trying to be jerks, they're just not thinking. 

Build the arch, go to the rehearsal dinner, dance at the wedding, leave the rest up to them. 

[BusyMom5]

Lol, I've been the coordinator for a handful of weddings.  There are always so many things they never think about!  Best wishes for the happy couple tomorrow.   

[easypeasy]

Threads like these make me hope that all my kids elope. 😄 Send me a selfie from a beach in Hawaii or something and we'll call it good!

[Carrie12345]

I’m glad it turned out that they’re just clueless, lol.

I was pretty clueless, too, but I didn’t want the whole hullabaloo. My MIL pushed for as much hullabaloo as she could get away with, which I’m sure made everything seem very strange and uncomfortable to everyone involved. A quick in, I do, and out with a small handful of people would have looked so much more tasteful (imo/e).

[Pen]

 

11 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

As for cultural differences, the bride grew up just a few miles away from us and is definitely NOT from an affluent familly. It turns out that my son and his fiance are the first of their friends to get married and they haven't seen many weddings at all!

 

That’s good for you to realize.

 I hope they aren’t helping to establish a precedent in their circle of expectation that parents take out house loans for weddings. Or for that matter helping add that example as a thing to do in the wider society.

 I hope the bride’s parents will be okay financially and felt like it was something they wanted to do — not that they felt railroaded by your son and fdil. 

 

Anyway, have a wonderful time at the wedding! It sounds like it will give some great stories to tell!

[mom2scouts]

31 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

That’s good for you to realize.

 I hope they aren’t helping to establish a precedent in their circle of expectation that parents take out house loans for weddings. Or for that matter helping add that example as a thing to do in the wider society.

 I hope the bride’s parents will be okay financially and felt like it was something they wanted to do — not that they felt railroaded by your son and fdil. 

 

Anyway, have a wonderful time at the wedding! It sounds like it will give some great stories to tell!

This is the son that always gives me great stories to tell! 😂

[BlsdMama]

I think the situation stinks and I'm sorry.

That said, I think at some point, we like to lay blame at someone other than our child. 
I've seen my mil assume I am calling shots because her son (the one that lived at home for 18 years) "wouldn't think like that," and that's unfair.  Her son is an adult.  I can understand if her parents are paying for everything that your son (and very possibly your future dil) feel the need to tow the line.

I suspect that perhaps in her world that $$ might show a want to be involved and that she (or her parents) may have misread your unwillingness to take out a loan for the wedding (and at this my jaw dropped because we wouldn't either!) as not wanting to be very involved.  Honestly - who can read how people interpret actions or choices of others?

Here's what I propose - I assume you want to continue a relationship with your son and daughter.  If that is so, I would not turn down anything that could be perceived as a slight.  Every brick you lay (word/action/choice) from here out is either building or pulling down the wall that is your relationship.  Build.  Even when they tear a brick down, choose to toss one up there IF you want the relationship, in every instance you have opportunity.  Build.

So, I'd go to the dinner and make small talk.
I'd build the arbor with the short notice. 
Be gracious.  Compliment their hard work and investment. 
Because, at the end of the day, relationships can often be improved and/or destroyed beyond the initial year and you want to see those grandbabies. 

[LucyStoner]

15 hours ago, Medicmom2.0 said:

 I suspect the bride comes from a more affluent world and wants a wedding and reception just like those she’s seen.  Her parents are willing to pay for it, and likely your idea of a rehearsal dinner wasn’t what she was envisioning or wanting. 

 

It sounds like the bride has affluent expectations but her family is accustomed to living beyond their means.  They are financing this wedding with their house, not paying for with cash.  That is a foolish decision.  

[LucyStoner]

I’m glad you went to the rehearsal.  I’m glad you are taking their youth and inexperience in stride.

You have every right to feel as you did.  Somethings might have been resolved earlier with communication.  You are absolutely right to not pay for a wedding beyond your means.  

I’d be tempted to gift them books on financial matters or even a household finance workshop to them as part of their wedding present.  

[Lang Syne Boardie]

So the only thing that's really gone astronomically wrong is that she got her ideas from a Pinterest board and her parents went along with it financially. LOL

I am so glad they are open to some help about the details! You only found out they needed help because you went to the dinner, behaved graciously, asked direct questions...and then you had access (and kindness) to step in and smooth things over.

Please write a chapter on pre-wedding communication for the Hive Mind Publication, "When Homeschool Moms Become Sidelined Parents to Adult Children." We do not pay for submissions, because we have paid for college, weddings, and The Children's Book of the Month Club and the Gerber investment fund for the grandchildren, but there will be a special place in heaven for you.

[Garga]

16 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

 It turns out that my son and his fiance are the first of their friends to get married and they haven't seen many weddings at all!

Bingo!

I hadn’t been to a wedding ever in my life when I got married.  What you were saying about them not having ushers, etc, etc, is bringing back a lot of memories.  

I hope the wedding goes (went?) well today.  And I hope you were able to help them if they ran into any unexpected (by them) snags.

 

[mom2scouts]

The wedding went very well. Since they hadn't thought about ushers or seating parents, dh and I started out the wedding procession by walking down the aisle and seating ourselves in the front and the oldest brother was grabbed to escort the bride's mother to her seat. My son asked the photographer to get a photo with all of our family including dh and I, grandparents, and all the siblings and their SO. It was interesting because my son and his new wife spent much of the evening having a good time hanging out with his brothers (instead of his groomsmen) and he even danced with his little sister. Overall, it was a very nice evening.

[sassenach]

4 minutes ago, mom2scouts said:

The wedding went very well. Since they hadn't thought about ushers or seating parents, dh and I started out the wedding procession by walking down the aisle and seating ourselves in the front and the oldest brother was grabbed to escort the bride's mother to her seat. My son asked the photographer to get a photo with all of our family including dh and I, grandparents, and all the siblings and their SO. It was interesting because my son and his new wife spent much of the evening having a good time hanging out with his brothers (instead of his groomsmen) and he even danced with his little sister. Overall, it was a very nice evening.

That's a good update. And now it's DONE! 🎉 You get to move on with your life sans wedding drama. Congrats, mama! 

[Pen]

2 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

The wedding went very well. Since they hadn't thought about ushers or seating parents, dh and I started out the wedding procession by walking down the aisle and seating ourselves in the front and the oldest brother was grabbed to escort the bride's mother to her seat. My son asked the photographer to get a photo with all of our family including dh and I, grandparents, and all the siblings and their SO. It was interesting because my son and his new wife spent much of the evening having a good time hanging out with his brothers (instead of his groomsmen) and he even danced with his little sister. Overall, it was a very nice evening.

 

I’m so glad!

[Pen]

19 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

Another event infiltrated by the Wedding Industrial Complex.  

ETA Just saying that the bride magazines, bridal expos, Pinterest and online bridezilla forums might provide a lot of ideas for some aspects of a wedding, but rarely have I seen (short of a good old fashioned etiquette guide a la Emily Post) info on how to scale things down so nobody has to even think of taking out a second mortgage.  

 

I’m imagining people’s homes going into foreclosure over wedding loans.  Horrible. Weddings as monsters.