Do you wish your life was totally different than it is right now?

[fairfarmhand]

3 hours ago, ScoutTN said:

Well, I'd like to be in south Florida, with a condo on the beach, for a couple of weeks. Does that count? 

I am over February, big time.

ME too! I’m about ready to build an ark there’s been so much rain lately!

[klmama]

For the most part, I like my life.  I do wish I got to see my adult dc more.  I like the people they've become.  

 

[Garga]

In order to travel for a year, you’d have to have a way to make money, right?  Like telecommunte or something?  Or else blow all your short-term savings and then be confident that you could find a job when the trip is over?  I personally wouldn’t be able to relax if there wasn’t a steady income coming in.  So, I’d rather not travel unless we were somehow independently wealthy.  Travel is fun, but how do you do it without serious stress over money?

I have major regrets over certain decisions in my life. But I also adore my children so much and love every second I’m with them, so I feel very content whenever I’m around them, even with the major regrets.

I wouldn’t change a thing about the time I have had with the kids, other than I wish I’d learned to be more patient with them sooner and had the ability to see the big picture earlier.  I used to fret over things so much when they were tiny.  And now I realize that if I’d been more patient and relaxed, everything would have still turned out great.

Now...once my kids are launched, then I don’t think I’ll be content with life as it is.  I’m going to want to find my own way again in a job outside of the home.  I have no idea how that will look though.  But in a few years, I’d like to figure out who I am as my own person again.  

[J-rap]

If you had asked me this 8 years ago, I'd have to honestly say that I rarely lived one day in my entire life wishing it to be any different.  I lived a truly blessed life.

But, life happens, and one event snowballed into another and another and another, beginning with my dh's health event.  It really has changed almost everything, in ways that never in a million years would I have believed possible.  So yeah -- I wish I could turn back the clock and stop that one thing from happening.

At the same time, I'm so, so grateful for this experience of life.  I still love it.  I love my family.  I have five children and I'm close to all of them.  They are all young adults now and I hear from all of them nearly every day, and they all have big hearts, even as they cause me to lose sleep! 

So yes, I definitely wish I could change that one thing from happening which affected so many other things, and I know our lives would have played out very differently as a result.  But that's how it is with everyone, isn't it?  And many, probably most, people have "that one thing" in their life as well, it's just different for everyone.  

I AM going to get my dream of moving to an apartment in the downtown of a bustling, thriving city, just not quite the city I was dreaming of -- but that's okay.

I'd say the only thing I wish I could change that I feel like I really COULD have changed (as opposed to my dh's health event), is that sometimes I wish I had done more with my life.  I really wanted to go into journalism and I started out with a good job at a newspaper, and then slowly moved away from that and then decided to stay home and raise a family.  Of course I'd never regret raising my family!  But sometimes I wonder if I could have done both.  

Maybe it's not too late for some things...  

Edited February 23, 2019 by J-rap

[Tap]

Yes. I would make some huge changes, but only if I could make somethings stay the same.  Unfortunately, some of those are linked so it wouldn't be possible in the current context of the situation. For example, I would wish away dd20s illness, but that may also wish away her terrific husband. A lot of their first year dating, was him taking care of her and just quietly hanging out. Her old self is very, very high energy and I am not sure they would be as good of a fit. (They met after she was already sick). He helps take care of her health, she helps take care of their house/budget as a stay-at-home wife.  They are very happy together in their roles. If they were going opposite directions to advance careers, I don't know if they would be together.  They were both planning to be doctors. He is now in the Air Force, and she is very happy being at home. 

[HomeAgain]

No.
Every choice, every bump in our path, got us to this point.  Dh and I live in a nice house in a great area, we have wonderful friends around us, and we have had many adventures in our life.  Some were intentional, some not. LOL  But lots of adventures.  I'm starting to prepare for life after homeschooling and that will be another adventure for us.

So....no.  I'm actually very content with our life right now.

[Night Elf]

I'd say I'm content with the big picture of my life. I have pretty much all of what I had wanted. My DH has a good job that he likes and finds challenging. I have a good job that still surprises me because I was certain I never wanted to work outside the house again. My 3 children are all working towards their own personal goals and I think they're all doing fairly well. I'm not as close to all of my children as I used to be but that's understandable when her goal is independence. I'm a helicopter parent and that's been a real struggle as my children have become young adults. I live in a nice house in a good neighborhood in a good city. I am looking forward to moving when DH retires though because my house has too many stairs and I don't want to be an older person struggling in my own house. We're financially secure thanks to DH's job. My job brings in just enough money to pay for the daily support of my dd20 in college, stuff like groceries, food, entertainment, transportation, etc. DH pays for school once her scholarship and loans are applied. Yes, she will be graduating with debt but she chose that route when she chose her expensive college. I'm very grateful I was able to stay home with my children as they were growing up. I'm grateful I was able to homeschool. We were close knit and had a lot of fun together.

I have no interest in traveling. I am a homebody. I do wish I had more friends though. The only friends DH and I have live out of state and we rarely talk to them. We keep up through email a few times a year. 

I don't want my life to be different but I"d like my self to be different. I'm tired of struggling with mental health issues. I'm tired of watching one of my children do the same. Unfortunately we're stuck this way for the rest of our lives. Thankfully we're in a supportive situation that makes coping with those issues doable.

I try not to think about life after retirement. We have money but we're not sure we have enough to support us through death. If Social Security isn't around, we're in trouble. So I wish we had more money for our retirement. I'd also love to have enough money to leave an inheritance to my children when we die but they're going to have to take care of themselves like me and DH have been doing all our adult lives. 

[Guest]

21 hours ago, OKBud said:

I am extremely, unendingly grateful for my life and for the amazing type of life that my children get to have.

But, yes, if I am sitting around making wishes, I have the same wish I've had since I was a kid: to have a farm, to raise animals, vegetables, and babies in concert. We came ::thisclose:: and got started down that road, and then the economy tanked. Now we are on a very different path, which is incompatible with what I'd choose if I had my druthers. That's the way it goes. 

This is me, except not that particular dream goal. 

I am extremely, unendingly grateful for my life and how my children get to grow up. I am happy with my house, my location, my chickens, our access to health care, the beautiful food we get to grow, eat and buy. 

But if I’m fantasizing, I would love to be able to travel extensively, like for a year or more in the US and a year or more in Europe. I do not like commodity travel as much; I like travel-like-a-local type. I’s rather hike in beautiful mountains than go on a cruise, not to say cruising doesn’t have it’s place. There’s so much of this breathtaking country I have not yet explored and I want to. I don’t want to merely visit some famous site and then hurry back home; I want to stay amongst the “regulars” and eat at the Mom & Pop diners and find the little-known canyon not on the websie. 

[historically accurate]

If you'd asked me 2 years ago, I would say I was somewhat bored but life was good. The past year has sucked majorly. I don't see any end to it though, so I try not to wish for other. This is my current life and I will fall into depression if I think too much about it.

[marbel]

16 hours ago, StellaM said:

Oh, and the other thing I wouldn't change is that I can still laugh about it.

Had coffee with a friend yesterday, and she said 'You have the worst life out of all my friends! (thank hon) but when we get together we have a laugh, and I don't  leave feeling drained.'

So that is a definite blessing. I do not drain my friends with my terrible life, lol.

I am a very shy person, with a lot of anxiety, so you wouldn't know it at a party or anything, but I also enjoy being a complete idiot at home and making the kids laugh, so I wouldn't change that either.

I could end up being rich and famous and unable to laugh at myself!!! That would actually be tragic.

I hope I am like this too.  I have a friend who has some bad stuff going on, so it's understandable she would be down sometimes, but she is such a drain.  Everything is looked at through a negative lens; even positive things seem to have a downside, always. Honestly the only reason I spend time with her is because she needs someone to talk to and everyone else is too 'busy' to get together with her.  An hour with her seems like 3 and I can't wait to get away. 

[elegantlion]

There are two things I would change, I'm ready to be in a relationship again, but I don't want to randomly date people. I want a relationship to develop organically from a friendship. My current life revolves around school and suitable matches are nil. 

Ds in the midst of trying to figure out his future. I wish that magical wizard would appear before him and give him his quest. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was his age. 

Edited February 23, 2019 by elegantlion

[G5052]

15 minutes ago, marbel said:

I hope I am like this too.  I have a friend who has some bad stuff going on, so it's understandable she would be down sometimes, but she is such a drain.  Everything is looked at through a negative lens; even positive things seem to have a downside, always. Honestly the only reason I spend time with her is because she needs someone to talk to and everyone else is too 'busy' to get together with her.  An hour with her seems like 3 and I can't wait to get away. 

 

Yes, I try not to be that way. There's a lot in my life that hasn't gone well in the last few years, and I've lost some friends over that, but I've gained some others too.

One of my college kids wrote in my birthday card that I deserved to have something really good happen in my life this year. We shall see. For now all I can do is plug along.

[KrissiK]

I’m pretty happy with the way things are. I might want to change little things, but overall, I like my life.

Although, I’ve always dreamed of being a spy and working for the CIA. 

[livetoread]

If I could change one thing, it would have been finishing my PhD instead of quitting at the very last part due to baby issues. Given the circumstances, I’d make the same decision, but if I could go back and structure it so I could have finished my PhD and year of full time internship for licensure before getting pregnant, I would. Other than that small regret, I am very content.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, elegantlion said:

There are two things I would change, I'm ready to be in a relationship again, but I don't want to randomly date people. I want a relationship to develop organically from a friendship. My current life revolves around school and suitable matches are nil. 

Ds in the midst of trying to figure out his future. I wish that magical wizard would appear before him and give him his quest. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was his age. 

Out of the blue, I was thinking about your son yesterday and wondering if he had mapped out a direction. I know you had once considered Law Enforcement and I wondered if he went looking in that direction at all. (Unless I’m confusing you eith another poster, in which case, ooooh, I’m embarassed!) 

[marbel]

2 hours ago, elegantlion said:

<snip>

Ds in the midst of trying to figure out his future. I wish that magical wizard would appear before him and give him his quest. I remember feeling the exact same way when I was his age. 

I hear you, sister!  My late-blooming boy... so complicated.

I do admit to feel envious of people whose kids had it all figured out by age 12 (ok, or 16, or 18, or even 20) and made it happen. I really do  know people like that.  One of my nephews had it all figured out by age 12 and even though there were some bumps along the way, he navigated them well and did what he wanted. Sadly for me, my sibling loves to remind me of that and make comparisons...  but that is another thread, isn't it?

(BTW my nephew is 20 years older than my son.  Also, I'd still rather have my son than the nephew for reasons I won't get into here.)

[Jean in Newcastle]

As far as the "road not taken", I have taken a lot of roads in my life.  I know that they all have potholes.  I have  a college degree.  I have worked in my field.  I have worked out of my field.  I have just a few credits shy of a masters (actually I do have the credits for one masters but changed at the end to another and didn't finish that one.)  I have worked (and am working without pay) in that field now.  I didn't get married until I was almost 30.  I didn't have kids for four years after that.  So I've done single adult, married adult, married adult with kids.  I have traveled a lot in my youth.  So the roads I did take were intentional although of course there are a lot of situations (like my health) which I have ultimately no control over. 

When my kids were young, I fantasized a lot about going on the road and learning "ala carte" etc. but honestly?  Plugging away at school wasn't the worst thing for them.  We did take time for rabbit trails close to home. 

This isn't a response to other people's dreams etc.  It's just musing on how my life turned out. 

[iamonlyone]

Many things are good in my life, but if I could change something it would be to be part of a strong community. For about five years, I was the point person for my parents when they each had a health crisis and then passed away over a period of a few years; plus, our teenage son was in crisis. I needed to spend most of my time helping those family members, and so I didn't have much time to nurture my friendships or relationship with my husband.

My mom passed away my youngest child's senior year in high school, and she is a thriving college freshman this year. So, I went from drinking life through a hose to a trickle. Last year's calendar was crammed; this one's is empty. We don't have family members to visit or celebrate with any more, and my friends connected with others when I was out of social commission, and we don't have the same synergy we had. Such a drastic change has left me feeling a bit adrift, and I think it will take time to find my feet. I have a part-time job, which helps give my life structure.

I think it will take a while to get to know myself and others again. I saw an interview with an 89 year old (who had just earned her college degree) who said people need to laugh every day and have a dream. It struck me that I don't do either. Maybe it's time to start dreaming again now that every day is not a crisis.

I have always thought I would love living in a picturesque, smallish town (maybe East Coast?) where one could walk to get groceries and know the shop owners (also where the land and climate were better for hiking, etc.).

My husband is not on board, but there are some things about the built-in opportunities for community of retirement communities that appeal to me.

Edited February 23, 2019 by iamonlyone

[Liz CA]

4 hours ago, KrissiK said:

I’m pretty happy with the way things are. I might want to change little things, but overall, I like my life.

Although, I’ve always dreamed of being a spy and working for the CIA. 

 

Krissi, I had not pegged you as a secret Mata Hari. 

[DawnM]

Things I love about my life:

Husband

Kids

Career

Things I wish were different:

Wish I had never moved out of CA

Wish I hadn't encouraged my middle son to go away to college

Wish I hadn't allowed myself to gain weight in the last few years.

[Condessa]

I would banish my tendencies toward depression, particularly SAD.  

And then dh could take that opportunity coming up in our old town in a few months when his old boss retires.

We would be back in that beautiful place where we were so much more connected to the outdoors and nature, with our dear friends and close-knit church community, and where we could build a homeschooling community with the friends who have started homeschooling since we left. And we would have the financial means to get a home and to lighten my load in some ways, and to try to mitigate some of the opportunities the kids would lose by the move.

 

But I sank into depression every winter there, and it seemed to grow worse each year.  So here we are for now.  The outdoors are ugly, boring, and uncomfortable, so we don’t get out much.  I have no friends and am desperately lonely, but that’s still better than the depression.   I broached the subject with dh with the suggestion that if he took the job, maybe I could deal by going to visit family in the sunny south for four to six weeks during the worst winter weather each year.  But he’s not willing to risk my mental health to go back.  And the kids are really thriving here.  There are so many more activities available to them here, and they’ve grown so much in their music with the instruction available.  Things are pretty good, really.  I just feel like a potted houseplant.  No connection to anything, no roots, and not quite enough sunlight, but doing fine.

[PrincessMommy]

2 hours ago, Liz CA said:

 

Krissi, I had not pegged you as a secret Mata Hari. 

Clearly she's too young to be Mrs. Pollifax.  

[KrissiK]

3 hours ago, Liz CA said:

 

Krissi, I had not pegged you as a secret Mata Hari. 

I know, that's why I would be so good at it. But I would need to brush up on my kick-boxing skills.

[KrissiK]

1 hour ago, PrincessMommy said:

Clearly she's too young to be Mrs. Pollifax.  

I'm thinking more along the lines of Sydney Bristow.:)

[nixpix5]

I feel pretty content and blessed in my life but I do wish we had jobs that allowed us to not have to live in expensive cities and didn't rack up so much student loan debt when we were young. Those two things would make a drastic difference in our cost of living and overall financial comfort. I would also love to travel more. That would be heavenly.

Seriously though, I get to homeschool our darling children and have a choice to work or not because of my spectacularly wonderful husband whom I adore. I have a roof over my head and can provide a good life for my kids.  I can't complain.

[Teresa in MO]

That is a hard question to answer.  My first thought was yes, I wish my dh was still here with us.  I wish for the life we had before he passed.  I wish he was able to meet his last 3 grandkids.  He would have been our rock this past year when we had 2 grandsons in the NICU.  I try and be grateful and content for what life is right now.  Sometimes that's harder than at other times.  

[elegantlion]

6 hours ago, Quill said:

Out of the blue, I was thinking about your son yesterday and wondering if he had mapped out a direction. I know you had once considered Law Enforcement and I wondered if he went looking in that direction at all. (Unless I’m confusing you eith another poster, in which case, ooooh, I’m embarassed!) 

Yes, that was him. He's still not sure. He's leaning more toward military now, one idea in a long line of them. He's having a tough semester at school, so this summer we're planning some short "adventures." 

[SeaConquest]

That's a hard question. I've done the full-time living on a sailboat thing, and i currently live full-time in an RV (we spend the summers on our sailboat), so I'd actually opt for a bit more stability in my life at the moment. Although I love to travel, I'd prefer to have a house and a garden and maybe some animals to come home to -- you know, the way normal people live. But, I don't think my husband will ever settle for normal. His wanderlust is just too strong. Now, he is talking about buying an airplane. [Eyeroll]

I wish I had never gone to law school, and instead went to medical school. But, I never would have met my husband or had my children, so I suppose that I was meant to walk this path. I wish I would have had more children. I wish i wouldn't have had such bad PPD, so that having more children would have been possible.

I wish I had invested and been more frugal when I was younger. I wish we weren't in debt from our business, as it is causing me a ton of stress. My husband is an entrepreneur, and a risk-taker, so the debt doesn't bother him the way it does me. Lawyers are notoriously risk-averse.

I worry about my youngest. He isn't content and easy-going like his big brother. He is dark and moody and intense and stubborn, and I am concerned that he is going to inherit my mental health problems when he gets older.  He worries me a great deal, so I wish that he could be happier. I wish that more than anything else.

I feel fortunate that everyone in my immediate and extended families is mostly healthy, so I do count my blessings. I don't want for much, and certainly not the big stuff, so I feel grateful, for the most part. But, I suffer from mood swings and anxiety, so I worry a great deal. It is just my default, even in good times. The good always feels very tenuous, and I have a hard time being present and happy in the moment, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I wish it were otherwise.

ETA: I wish I were a better Jew. The fact that I thought of it last shows just how crappy a job I am doing of it at the moment. 

 

Edited February 24, 2019 by SeaConquest

[JustEm]

I'm pretty happy with my life.  Dh and I are still madly in love after 11 years of marriage and 5 children. I have the luxury of being able to stay home with my children and  I wouldn't want to give that up for anything. We travel just enough to satisfy my current travel desires and fully intend to expand that once our youngest is a little older, all kids out of diapers before I leave the country again! The only thing I would change if I could is my fight with depression. 

[BlsdMama]

Nope. 

 

I’m in the place I want, the house I want, with the people I want. (Well, I’d pick up Iowa and put it next to Oregon where we left friends) but otherwise I love this life.

I admit I’d change this damn disease to something else, but I wouldn’t change the awareness it’s created.

 

 

 

[Frances]

On 2/23/2019 at 9:58 PM, BlsdMama said:

Nope. 

 

I’m in the place I want, the house I want, with the people I want. (Well, I’d pick up Iowa and put it next to Oregon where we left friends) but otherwise I love this life.

I admit I’d change this damn disease to something else, but I wouldn’t change the awareness it’s created.

 

 

 

. 😜

Edited March 3, 2019 by Frances

[frogger]

9 hours ago, Michelle Conde said:

I would banish my tendencies toward depression, particularly SAD.  

And then dh could take that opportunity coming up in our old town in a few months when his old boss retires.

We would be back in that beautiful place where we were so much more connected to the outdoors and nature, with our dear friends and close-knit church community, and where we could build a homeschooling community with the friends who have started homeschooling since we left. And we would have the financial means to get a home and to lighten my load in some ways, and to try to mitigate some of the opportunities the kids would lose by the move.

 

But I sank into depression every winter there, and it seemed to grow worse each year.  So here we are for now.  The outdoors are ugly, boring, and uncomfortable, so we don’t get out much.  I have no friends and am desperately lonely, but that’s still better than the depression.   I broached the subject with dh with the suggestion that if he took the job, maybe I could deal by going to visit family in the sunny south for four to six weeks during the worst winter weather each year.  But he’s not willing to risk my mental health to go back.  And the kids are really thriving here.  There are so many more activities available to them here, and they’ve grown so much in their music with the instruction available.  Things are pretty good, really.  I just feel like a potted houseplant.  No connection to anything, no roots, and not quite enough sunlight, but doing fine.

 

I have been toying with the idea of leaving my home but I don't know that I would be happy.  When I look at your reasons, they are so very similar.

The politics and the economic opportunities are almost ridiculous but the community and the land and the beauty and the lack of snakes and pests is amazing. We took a big financial hit to move up here because it was close to family and it was home. Sometimes it's hard and sometimes I worry about the lack of opportunity for the kids but when I really really ask myself if I can move the answer is no.

I remind myself, there are problems everywhere.

[frogger]

5 hours ago, Arctic Mama said:

  And I say that as someone who has a family member actively pushing this current budget in the legislature (and who believes it is the right move, long term, since voters refuse some of the other viable options for funding cuts).

 

 

 

We could have been in Norway's shoes. There is no excuse other than low information voting.  Every Governor who decides to be a responsible adult gets booted for one who promises bigger hand outs so people can buy alcohol and big screen t.v.s and tickets to Hawaii. It makes me want to cry because it will just make things more difficult for the next generation. Meanwhile education is thrown out the window. 

 

But still, I have to remember all the good that came. I also know it took us decades to really integrate into our community.  It is unlikely my children (now teens) would have time to build the friendships and networks they need before moving where ever. 

 

Edited February 24, 2019 by frogger
This isn't meant as commentary on your move just pondering my own situation.

[Liz CA]

2 hours ago, Seasider too said:

So I’ve been thinking more on this. 

As my children become young adults, I find myself wishing they knew me  when I was as full of energy and ambition as they are now. Once I became a parent, and dropped every personal interest and activity to support my husband’s career and raise my children, I feel like that person I was is not even me at all. I am quite a different person today, which is really good in many ways, but  The current me is the one who must always be the responsible one, who foresees consequences and points out the what if’s. It’s exhausting and doesn’t win any popularity contests. 

 So probably the biggest change I would make, if I could only change one thing, would be to keep alive a sliver of my unfettered self – my own activities and interests, a vibrant and unburdened faith – pursuing them and integrating them into who I am today and part of who my kids see when they look at me as a whole person at my current age.  Of course I can renew activity in some of these things, but the one they will  likely see is someone looking at “new” stuff in a midlife crisis phase, and not really just me touching base with who I used to be. 

ETA I am taking the Aslan approach to talking about life - that my story is the one I am speaking of, that everyone has their own story. Because if I didn’t I’d have to add a number of things I’d like to see different about the lives of some of my loved ones, things I’d change about their circumstances and experiences. But I’m just sticking to my own life here. 

 

The bolded above is something, I think, women struggle with more. We are supposed to be everywhere and do it all and do it well. When we give something up like professional ambition or a time intensive hobby during a time of child rearing, we are putting aside that part of life for a while. My adult son was somewhat surprised to find out some of the things I did before he was born or have done since he has left the house. 

I encourage everyone to follow their dreams as much as is possible. Age is relative and overall unimportant. A good friend and mentor of mine told me (at the age of 96) that she retired in her 60s from being a school principle, got a little bored at home, asked her husband if it was okay if she took " a few classes" at the local university which turned into a second master's degree at the age of 67 or 68. She still worked in her "second" profession until her death last month.  If it's feasible, go for it.  🙂

[BlsdMama]

3 hours ago, Seasider too said:

So I’ve been thinking more on this. 

As my children become young adults, I find myself wishing they knew me  when I was as full of energy and ambition as they are now. Once I became a parent, and dropped every personal interest and activity to support my husband’s career and raise my children, I feel like that person I was is not even me at all. I am quite a different person today, which is really good in many ways, but  The current me is the one who must always be the responsible one, who foresees consequences and points out the what if’s. It’s exhausting and doesn’t win any popularity contests. 

 So probably the biggest change I would make, if I could only change one thing, would be to keep alive a sliver of my unfettered self – my own activities and interests, a vibrant and unburdened faith – pursuing them and integrating them into who I am today and part of who my kids see when they look at me as a whole person at my current age.  Of course I can renew activity in some of these things, but the one they will  likely see is someone looking at “new” stuff in a midlife crisis phase, and not really just me touching base with who I used to be. 

ETA I am taking the Aslan approach to talking about life - that my story is the one I am speaking of, that everyone has their own story. Because if I didn’t I’d have to add a number of things I’d like to see different about the lives of some of my loved ones, things I’d change about their circumstances and experiences. But I’m just sticking to my own life here. 

Seasider,

Can I ask an honest question - what keeps you from compromising between the two people?  Part of this really resonates with me - the mom my oldest half grew up with is NOT the same mom the littles will grow up with just due to pure physical reasons.  But I'm trying to find a way to criss cross the person I was by creating the opportunities outside of spinning on me (does that make sense) and still attempt some feeble embrace at who I must become, kwim?  

I'm having a hard time with exactly what you're talking about.  Trying to figure out how to keep the sliver longterm. 

[Jenny in Florida]

Not totally different, no. I've invested enough decades into the life I have to be unwilling to give up some parts of it, and I've been through enough changes to know that I always end up taking myself along to the new life, anyway.

However, I am definitely feeling unhappy and dissatisfied with many (maybe even most) aspects of my life at the moment. I told my husband recently that I am once again feeling the need to pick up the whole snowglobe and shake it hard to see what happens.

1. Our kids are, individually, healthy and doing well as young adults, and for that I am intensely grateful. However, I am sad and frustrated by the fact that they are estranged and making no progress towards resolving the situation, leaving me in the middle and unable to enjoy my family as a unit.
2. We're better off financially than we have been for years, now that I'm working full time, but I'm bored and unfulfilled in my job and can't figure out what I want to be when I grow up and how to get there. And some of the things I thought I really missed and would enjoy "if we only had more money" have turned out to have lost appeal or to be disappointing for various reasons. (Like the fact that we can now afford to travel more, but my husband's physical condition makes him a less-than-fun travelling companion.)
3. I'm enrolled part-time in a graduate program that was supposed to help with point #2, but it has not turned out to be as interesting or challenging as I had hoped.
4. My relationship with my husband is cordial and supportive, but no more. I'm actually more or less okay with the situation, but I know he is unhappy. It upsets me to hurt him, but all of our attempts to make change and reconnect have fallen short.
5. Our relationship with our long-term church was broken several years ago, and I miss being involved in that kind of community. Returning to the previous church is not happening, and I have been unable to settle in anywhere else. My husband doesn't feel the lack and has no interest in exploring options with me.
6. I'm trying to be a rational grown-up about it, but I still desperately miss my life as a homeschooling mom. Every year that passes makes me more convinced that I will never find as much meaning in anything else as I did in those years. I keep trying to work on myself by making myself plans and lists of goals, which I dutifully check off, but none of it feels like it matters except as a box to check off.
7. I don't like where we live. I have never felt really at home in Florida, generally, or in Orlando. And since we moved to this house a few years ago, I have grown to really dislike and feel uncomfortable in the neighborhood, for a variety of reasons.
    

So, often I feel like I'm just flailing around, ready to grab onto something, anything, that would be different or distract me from all of the above. But I haven't yet found anything to grab that wouldn't do more damage or hurt any of the people I love.

Edited February 24, 2019 by Jenny in Florida

[Scarlett]

So oddly I take a bit of comfort that some of you are struggling too.  I cried yesterday so 3 times in 3 days.  Not much like me. Again my son.

But I have some fantastic things.  Like my husband.  We share a faith and that is not a small thing as many on this thread have indicated. I trust him so much.  To have my back, to be loyal, to do the right thing even as he is human with human faults. I started to say I trust him 100% but I don't know if my imperfect self will ever get there but he gives me no reason to not trust him.  When I think back on all the years of my distrust of XH and how he gaslighted me to believe I was just jealous and crazy....yeah I get real thankful real fast for my awesome husband.

Then I am dealing with my 74 year old mother.  All the things that are driving me insane about her are I think the things that I am driving my son crazy over.  I feel like I am living in the twilight zone.

 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, StellaM said:

<snip>

And the mother I tried to be - and I tried so hard to be a really good mother, and managed it, I think, with the littlies - disintegrated with my kids' mental health struggles. I do feel my sacrifice was worthless. They'd have been no worse off had they been in day care from 6 months and school forever, I think. Maybe even better off. It's horrible to get to the end of raising kids, and look back, and think - well, I had good intentions, but I basically stuffed that one up, other than the kids don't hate me. Low bar. 

<snip>

Oh ((Stella))

This is so much the way I feel.  Maybe my LD kid would have gotten better help than I gave; maybe the one who is struggling with anxiety wouldn't be. Or maybe wouldn't have hid it so well for so long till it blew up.  

My kids did see me go back to work after 21 years at home, and they know I hate my job but I still go.  In some ways that's a good thing for them to see, though of course it would be nicer if they could see me get work I like!  

But I think I have to correct you on one thing.  From what you've posted over time, I am pretty sure you've reached a higher bar than "the kids don't hate me."   

Hugs to you. 

[Ausmumof3]

On 2/23/2019 at 9:09 AM, WendyAndMilo said:

I wish I hadn't bought all the stuff that I did this week when we had the flu.  Like the 4 pounds of pumpkin seeds I'm currently munching on.

Most of the stuff I "regret" (I don't know that I actually have any regret, but for lack of a better word) relate to not forming habits/disciplines to become the person I wanted to be in the future.  Although that person has been nothing but in flux... I suppose it would have been nice to spend my younger years working on my character.

This is true for me as well.  I don’t wish my life was different I just wish I was better at living it.

[Rosie_0801]

1 hour ago, Jenny in Florida said:

So, often I feel like I'm just flailing around, ready to grab onto something, anything, that would be different or distract me from all of the above. But I haven't yet found anything to grab that wouldn't do more damage or hurt any of the people I love.

 

Didn't you have an exhibition in the past few months? Or am I mixing you up with someone else?

[KungFuPanda]

I LIKE my life . . . the romance, the kids, the location, the friends, the activity that fills it. I just wish there was a cure for duchenne’s muscular dystrophy so my son could have a shot at a full, active life. It’s HARD to be jealous of other diseases because at least those people have a treatment or a chance or some hope. I need science to hurry. 🧬 🏃 

[BooksandBoys]

If I had had to answer this question 2.5 years ago, I would have said I’d change everything. All of it. The mental illness, the autism, the attention issues that make adhd look like a crack diagnoses, the marriage, the place we lived, the homeschooling, the SAHMing, the giving up my own career to let my husband grow his,  the never sleeping. All of it. The single, high-powered  career life for me, please  

But I started making changes slowly. We moved back from the not-great place. I started to find medications that worked for the kids. I got better and better at boundaries in my marriage and other relationships. My DS2 (then almost 7) finally started sleeping through the night. I started dreaming again and looking for opportunities to restart my career. 

Now? I’m pretty happy with the direction my life is going. I’m working part time in a position that I love. It’s challenging, it’s fun, and I have a ton to learn. I have a great boss and most of my coworkers are lovely. Trying to homeschool and manage the home while working part time is hard, but worth it right now. We’ll see where that goes in the future. I’m also very slowly building some freelancing things. I need to be out of the house feeling successful at something because raising/educating my kiddos feels like a daily flogging of failure.  My marriage is a bit better as my DH is making different life choices. I rediscovered cross-stitch. Turns out it’s a shockingly centering activity for me. I try to fit in about 2 hours of cross-stitching each week. My kids currently have great ABA therapists. I’m slowly untangling DS3’s challenges and he’s doing better and better. 

So, today. Today, I wouldn’t throw out my whole life. I would have worked hard for 5-10 years establishing my career before having kids so that I could have kept working part time throughout parenting and also be able to hire regular help with my kiddos. Like 40-60 hours a week of help so there would always be 2 adults present (because I need an extra adult with the challenges this family brings). Or I would give my kids the gift of life free of autism/mental illness/etc. or at least the gift of a mother/world that knows how to help them. 

Jeez. That was long.