#MomFail I've been crying all morning...

[Noreen Claire]

Today is my preschooler's 4th birthday. About a month ago, I found (what I thought) was the greatest present. We ordered him a WonderCrew doll and hid it in the closet.

 

This morning, he was SO EXCITED to open his birthday gift he was practically vibrating. Slowly, as he realized what it was, he got sadder and sadder and he said, 'I don't like it.' He wouldn't even touch it. My 7yr old tried to get him interested in it, 'He wears a mask! It comes with a cape for you to wear, too!' But, sadly, he just wouldn't go for it. I think he might actually be mad at me.

 

I've been teary-eyed since I dropped him off at preschool. We have family coming over tonight for cake and ice cream, so I know he'll get more gifts tonight but.... I'm just sad.  :crying:

[MercyA]

Aww, I'm sorry. :grouphug: The doll is really cute, and I know some boys who would love that kind of thing. Can you pick up something else for him while he's at preschool? 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Gifts for four year olds don't have to be that expensive.  Run out to Target while he's at preschool and get him something else.  Let's see - my 4 year old boy liked blocks, dinosaurs (plastic figures), fire engines (and other cars and trucks), "tools" (usually plastic)

[SKL]

I wonder if he was expecting something specific.  Did he say he was hoping for something else?

 

He may end up liking the doll after all.  It just wasn't what he expected at that moment.

[mamiof5]

Is he really into superheroes? That's why you thought he'd like it? I wouldn't buy him anything else, unless I had gotten something I knew he really doesn't like. For example, if my ds was not that much into dinosaurs, but loved Cars, and I got him a huge dinosaur. What did he want for his bday? If he loves superheroes give it some time, it might become one of his favorites. It's cute and you did a good job (ordering it on time and such). I say wait it out, and enjoy your ds bday :)

Edited April 14, 2016 by mamiof5

[Emba]

I know the feeling, but sometimes kids get over the initial disappointment and later enjoy a toy.  I wouldn't rush out to get a new thing.  My son got a toy dog from my aunt that initially creeped him out.  He shoved it back into the box and wouldn't look at it.  Two weeks later it was his constant companion and now at 8 he still sleeps with it most nights.

[shinyhappypeople]

:(  Not a mom fail!  You gave him a really nice gift! 

[marbel]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Not a mom fail!  Just life with kids!

[Noreen Claire]

Aww, I'm sorry. :grouphug: The doll is really cute, and I know some boys who would love that kind of thing.  

 

We have other dolls that the boys play with. I really thought that he would love this guy!

 

 

Gifts for four year olds don't have to be that expensive.  

 

It's not that it was expensive (we spent the same amount on my 7yr old's birthday last month - he took two friends to the local trampoline park and lunch). With three little boys (7, 4, and almost 2), we are drowning in Legos, Duplos, cars, animals, transformers, etc. I was hoping that this would be something special, something that wouldn't just get tossed in the box with everything else.

 

 

I wonder if he was expecting something specific.  Did he say he was hoping for something else?

 

He may end up liking the doll after all.  It just wasn't what he expected at that moment.

 

He didn't. All he has talked about was a strawberry cake with strawberry frosting and strawberries on top. (His favorite color is red and his favorite food is - can you guess - strawberries!

 

If he loves superheroes give it some time, it might become one of his favorites. 

 

This is what I'm hoping!

[Noreen Claire]

I know the feeling, but sometimes kids get over the initial disappointment and later enjoy a toy.  I wouldn't rush out to get a new thing.  My son got a toy dog from my aunt that initially creeped him out.  He shoved it back into the box and wouldn't look at it.  Two weeks later it was his constant companion and now at 8 he still sleeps with it most nights.

 

This is what I'm hoping for. Keeping my fingers crossed...

 

:(  Not a mom fail!  You gave him a really nice gift! 

 

Thanks. It is just really hard to see that look of disappointment on such a little face.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Not a mom fail!  Just life with kids!

 

This. I need to remind myself of this today!

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

My guess is that he had some idea in his mind what the gift would be, and it didn't match.

 

I agree with a previous poster that he may end up loving it in time. It looks fun to me, my boys would have played with it when younger.

 

Not a mom fail, just one more parenting challenge.

[plansrme]

But it's really good that you let him express his disappointment instead of getting mad at him (or letting him see how upset you were) because he didn't like something you were sure he would.  So #MomWin for that one.  

 

I bet he'll come around, and if not, surely the strawberries will make up for it.  

[SproutMamaK]

Not a mom fail! Sometimes kids are just little jerks. ;) It honestly sounds like he had something specific in mind that he didn't tell you about. If he likes superheroes and he likes playing with other dolls, he'll grow to love this. It sounds like it just wasn't what he was expecting, it caught him off guard, and he reacted badly. If you help him do some fun activities with it for a little bit, he'll get over that hump and grow to love it. :)

[OH_Homeschooler]

The real gift, which he won't realize now, is that you care so much that he is disappointed. You never know how a kid will take a gift. I've had my older kids specifically ask for things and they still didn't open the package until months later.  :cursing: 

 

I'm sure he's already over the disappointment. 

[gardenmom5]

one of dudeling's favs at that age was the fisher price bubble mower.  best $15 I ever spent.  . .  . . .

 

and  the children's wheelbarrow he saw at the nursery.  he was pushing it all over, and when I said it was time to put it back - he refused.  he also kept obstacles between us.  the world was going to end if he put that wheelbarrow back.  I called dh - who said "just buy it" (it wasn't not inexpensive).  he was so happy - he put it ON his bed that night to sleep with it. he'd even use it to help me garden.

[Arcadia]

He didn't. All he has talked about was a strawberry cake with strawberry frosting and strawberries on top. (His favorite color is red and his favorite food is - can you guess - strawberries!

My DS10 is very similar. Almost everything he own is red down to jacket, sweaters and backpacks.

 

We did the lazy way out and took our boys to build a bear workshop to build their own bears at that age. We were also filled with legos and thomas trains and tracks at that age. They still sleep with their bears.

[texasmama]

What I love about little kids is their honesty.  It is also a double edged sword.  Gifts are not that important to me, but it sounds like choosing a gift and hoping that someone will enjoy it is important to you.  It is impossible to predict what gifts kids will love and which they will not.  

 

You did not fail and he did not fail.  You chose a thoughtful gift.  He was honest about it.  There is nothing wrong with either response.  I would much prefer that my just turning 4 year old child be honest with me than put on a brave face and lie to "be polite".  That is not even developmentally appropriate.  (I don't think the OP expected this from her child so that is not addressed to her.)

[mathnerd]

My DS usually gets over his disappointment with the gift and begins to like it after a few hours. So, just let him come back from preschool and see if he has changed his mind. If he is still disappointed, would you consider taking him to a store tonight or in a few days' time and letting him pick his own gift? I rather think that he had a specific idea of what he wanted (for e.g. a car set or something with lights flashing or something with a motor that moves, like a robot etc). Try to see if you or his brother can coax what he wants out of him. You are a wonderful mom to have taken such care to find a wonderful present for him and you seem to be more disappointed than him. this is not a mom fail at all.

[UCF612]

That's such a cute toy!  I hope he grows to love it.  I find sometimes the gifts my kids want most end up being the least played with but things they were blah about on opening turn out to be favorites.  It does get harder to buy gifts when you have multiple of the same gender kid.  We had to put a ban on more LEGOS although that is the one thing that is a guaranteed hit!

[ChocolateReignRemix]

That wouldn't have made me cry. That would have made me angry.....   I would have ignored it.  They need to be grateful.

 

They also need to be treated like humans beings with different thoughts and feeling than their moms.  He is 4.  Mom didn't do anything wrong but neither did he.

[ikslo]

Can you have it posed in a fun way when he gets home, sort of like people do with an elf on shelf or whatever?  Maybe not getting into mischief, but maybe it can be building with some of his blocks or something, so he sees it as a sort of companion rather than just a doll?  It could be some kid at preschool has recently made a remark about dolls being for girls, too.  Happened to my son around that age.  We had a talk and he got over it, but I had to promise never to tell his friends he played with dolls at home. ;)

Edited April 14, 2016 by ikslo

[Xahm]

Not everyone is saying to get him a new toy. Most are suggesting seeing how he acts later or talking with him to see what it is he was expecting and why he is disappointed. My daughter is right about that age and it could be something like "This one doesn't really fly" or "You were supposed to say 'tah-dah' when I took it out of the box." Children don't learn to have real good manners unless adults show them how to take others' feelings into consideration. Automatically saying "thank you" when you get a gift you hate is not a virtue, though it may be taught as a stop-gap measure with certain relatives. 

And if my child responded, "I told you at Christmas that I'm too big for dolls now" or "Didn't you hear me say that I'm scared of super-heros" or something like that, I'd apologize for not listening and get the kid a new toy. Because sometimes I don't listen when I should, and a kid shouldn't get a present from me that he already asked not to get. (though I strongly doubt that was the situation in the original post.)

I do not understand why everyone wants to get him a new gift. My middle child didn't get the right Buzz Lightyear when he was about that age. I didn't punish him. But he also didn't get a different gift. To me 4 isn't too young to say that you may be disappointed but it is rude to do that to someone giving you a gift if the intentions were good. It is polite to say thank you for the underwear that Grandma got you even if you are not thrilled with it. That is good manners.

ETA: 3 people suggested possibly getting a new toy.  

Edited April 14, 2016 by xahm

[hornblower]

4 is still so very very young. 

& they're still so into magical thinking and we probably can't even being to imagine what HE might have imagined was in the present. 

I'd consider getting another toy but I'd wait and see how he is after preschool.  I wouldn't mention the toy and I wouldn't fuss about it. Presents are very hard for some kids (I was one of those kids; now I'm the adult that doesn't really like gifts...) 

[Miss Marple]

He's four.  Fours are funny.  My guess is that another child will show interest in the toy which will spark interest in your son.  I wouldn't stress over it.  I doubt he is harboring hard feelings toward you.  He's disappointed...maybe it's scary to him?  Cake and Ice Cream will probably make it better.  Pick up some extra balloons, party hats, etc. if necessary.  

 

There were times that my kids' reactions to gifts weren't what I had anticipated, but that's OK.  FWIW, they could never really tell me what it was they didn't like or what they would have preferred.  Sometimes it's just the build up to the event that is exciting and once the package is opened, well, the excitement is over.  My youngest still hates to open his last Christmas present.  I think he would leave it there all year long.

[barnwife]

That wouldn't have made me cry. That would have made me angry.....   I would have ignored it.  They need to be grateful.

I don't quite understand how being disappointed and not liking something is the same at being grateful.

 

FWIW, I hate bananas. They smell...horrendous. I've never eaten one. My mom couldn't even get me to do so as a baby.

 

If someone invited me over for dinner not knowing this and made a dish with bananas, I would not like the dish. Period. 

 

Not liking the dish would not mean I am not grateful for the invitation, time, and thought the person put into the dish. Actually, I'd be quite thankful and say so.

 

But expecting the same good manners from a 4 yo who may never have been in this situation before is a bit much.

 

OP, I hope the rest of the birthday is wonderful. I agree that his first reaction may not be how he feels forever. I also totally understand why you feel disappointed. You thought you had a winner gift and it doesn't seem to even be in the same universe at the moment.

 

Hopefully the cake and ice cream go a long way to putting some happy memories into the day!

[Alice]

:grouphug:

 

It's so hard when we know our kids are disappointed, especially when we tried our best to do something to make them happy.

 

I remember once getting presents for each kid for some minor holiday (I think it was Valentine's). I got the oldest one of the tiny Lego sets and my second son a Curious George video. I was sure he'd be thrilled since he loved Curious George and liked to pretend to be a monkey and he loved watching videos and I usually refused to buy them because we already had a lot. He was probably about 4 and he had an immediate meltdown because it wasn't a Lego set just like his brother's. I actually remember the day because my oldest was thrilled about his Legos but then became really sad that I told him we had to do school before he opened it and my daughter stuffed all the jellybeans from her basket into her mouth as quickly as possible and then had a meltdown when we took away the candy. I can remember thinking that all around it was a total mom-fail day. Somehow, I'd tried to make everyone happy but had succeeded in having a completely awful holiday.  I can also remember feeling really frustrated about how ungrateful my kids were which also made me feel like a failure as a parent. 

 

What I ended up doing was snuggling with the 4 year old and telling him that I was sorry he was sad about the present. I told him that I had picked out something that I thought he would like and that I was sorry that he was disappointed. I just comforted him but didn't try to make him like what I got. I also didn't get him something different. 

 

I just asked my son if he had any memory of any of this. He's 9 now. He said no and then said "I like Curious George, do we still have that video?" :) I'll also say that of my three kids he's the one that consistently thanks us for random things (like making something for dinner he likes or a small gift or anything). 

 

I'm sure your son will have happy memories of his birthday and probably won't even remember the present he didn't like. 

 

 

[Starr]

When my dd was 4 I had her Cinderella party all set up inside. While the kids played outside I brought out some snacks and used some Bambi plates that were left over from something. She came sobbing to me, "Mommy, It's the wrong party!" While ours worked out I understand your feelings. Sometimes they are just so excited they can't see straight. He may well be happy with gifts tonight and not remember his disappointment.   :grouphug:

[redsquirrel]

Aww, my boys would have LOVED that for a birthday present.  But four year olds are funny creatures.  And true love with a toy isn't something that happens right away, it takes time. I understand, you wanted him to have a special lovey. I have absolutely felt the same way and done similar things.  But, it takes time and that sort of relationship can't be arraigned, it has to happen on its own. 

 

You didn't fail and neither did he. It's going to be ok.

[katilac]

It's sad today, but it will be a funny family story in years to come. Really! 

 

Don't buy a new gift or make efforts to interest him in the current one. Just proceed with tonight's plans . . . and inwardly brace yourself for him to tell everyone he didn't like his gift, lol. 

[kentuckymom]

You are not a failure. Kids are so funny about gifts. My daughter's face lit up two Christmases ago when she opened the Elsa Build a Bear I got for her, and she has barely touched it since. The doll she barely looked at when she opened it on her third birthday is now her constant companion. Maybe he'll grow to love the toy, which I think is awesome. Maybe he won't but he'll forget all about the disappointment with the awesome cake. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[8circles]

I do not understand why everyone wants to get him a new gift. My middle child didn't get the right Buzz Lightyear when he was about that age. I didn't punish him. But he also didn't get a different gift. To me 4 isn't too young to say that you may be disappointed but it is rude to do that to someone giving you a gift if the intentions were good. It is polite to say thank you for the underwear that Grandma got you even if you are not thrilled with it. That is good manners.

 

Interesting.  I understand what you are saying but I think you're being very black/white and rigid in your thinking.

 

Do you think your rigid black/white thinking has served you well in life, helping to make you a well-adjusted content person?

 

Where, in this situation, do you think grace belongs?  Does it belong here at all?

[Daria]

The 4th birthday was, at least for my kid, the first time he could remember his past birthday, and really build up an image in his mind of what the next one might be like, but also long before he had any sense of reasonableness.  I can absolutely imagine him reacting that way.  

I would sit down and talk it through with him.  Tell him why you thought he'd like it, but listen to his feelings too.  If it's returnable, and it's clear that he really doesn't want it, I'd probably let him return it and get something else.

 

 

[Mergath]

That wouldn't have made me cry. That would have made me angry.....   I would have ignored it.  They need to be grateful.

 

While I think that, as kids get older, it's important to teach them to be polite when someone gives them a gift they might not like, I can't imagine actually getting mad at a four-year-old for not liking a gift.  :huh: It's ridiculous to be angry at a small child because you're unable to control his or her feelings. 

[Mimm]

That wouldn't have made me cry. That would have made me angry.....   I would have ignored it.  They need to be grateful.

 

That's kind of a tall order for a four year old. :( Yes gratitude is important and I would talk it over with him later, but in the moment, I think hugs and setting the gift aside and getting on with his day is the most appropriate reaction.

[Sherry in OH]

He probably expected to unwrap strawberry cake with strawberry frosting with strawberries on top.

 

A doll is disappointing when you're expecting cake.  :001_smile:

[8circles]

He probably expected to unwrap strawberry cake with strawberry frosting with strawberries on top.

 

A doll is disappointing when you're expecting cake.  :001_smile:

 

You know, this is probably right.  OP, maybe you should try to put his cake in a box tonight!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not everyone is saying to get him a new toy. Most are suggesting seeing how he acts later or talking with him to see what it is he was expecting and why he is disappointed. My daughter is right about that age and it could be something like "This one doesn't really fly" or "You were supposed to say 'tah-dah' when I took it out of the box." Children don't learn to have real good manners unless adults show them how to take others' feelings into consideration. Automatically saying "thank you" when you get a gift you hate is not a virtue, though it may be taught as a stop-gap measure with certain relatives. 

And if my child responded, "I told you at Christmas that I'm too big for dolls now" or "Didn't you hear me say that I'm scared of super-heros" or something like that, I'd apologize for not listening and get the kid a new toy. Because sometimes I don't listen when I should, and a kid shouldn't get a present from me that he already asked not to get. (though I strongly doubt that was the situation in the original post.)

ETA: 3 people suggested possibly getting a new toy.  

 

I mentioned possibly getting him a new toy.  I don't really think he needs a new one.  I agree with others that say that he'll get over it and/or it's ok if he doesn't really like this particular toy.  But the OP seemed particularly distraught  if she was truly crying all morning over this situation.  So for the OP's sake, I felt like possibly getting him a new toy that he would like might help her gain some emotional equilibrium. 

 

[Garga]

I would feel sad, too.  I would hide it from the 4 year old, but inside I would be sad that he was so disappointed.  I've had a few years where presents that I thought would be loved weren't.  It's a let down.  I get just as excited as they do to give them the present and when I realize they were disappointed, I'm disappointed, too.  I was looking forward to seeing their joy and it's sad when instead of joy they're sad.

[justasque]

That wouldn't have made me cry. That would have made me angry.....   I would have ignored it.  They need to be grateful.

 

When someone doesn't like a gift I have given them, I am usually disappointed or sad, but I've never been angry, or expected them to feel (or at least express) gratefulness.  I guess I don't give gifts with an expectation of gratefulness; for me it's more about trying to bring someone else joy.  It's not something I do in order for me to get something out of it, it's something I do for them, if that makes sense.

 

 

...What I ended up doing was snuggling with the 4 year old and telling him that I was sorry he was sad about the present. I told him that I had picked out something that I thought he would like and that I was sorry that he was disappointed. I just comforted him but didn't try to make him like what I got. I also didn't get him something different. 

... 

 

This.  Sometimes, people are disappointed about something, for all kinds of reasons.  Those are the times you need someone who will just hug you. No words, no trying to fix it, just someone who will hug you and walk the path of those feelings with you, without judgement.  It's OK for people to feel disappointed.  There is nothing wrong in that.  It happens to all of us.   

 

Now, of course as kids get older they will learn to be more aware of the feelings of others, so they can balance their response.  Grandma's feelings about the underpants she gave you are important, and once you have a heads up that grandma's gift is likely to be underpants you can be prepared and perhaps express appreciation that the undies have your favorite character on them, or are your favorite color, or whatever.  But that takes practice and experience and maturity.

 

And other people's feelings don't always trump yours, even when they are people you care about and who have given you much of their time. labor, love.  It's a complicated balance.  If someone makes you dinner every night, it's good to be grateful for what they have prepared.  But that doesn't mean you can't ever say, politely, "You know, you cook peas really well, and I don't mind eating them every night if that is what you want to cook, but I wonder if we couldn't mix it up a bit and try a different vegetable tomorrow?  I can help make it."

 

We have feelings.  They are what they are.  It's how we respond to them that's important, and how that response can make others feel.  And that is something that as parents, we have to teach our littles about.  But it is an ongoing process.  Think of how many people post here with questions about their own feelings about something, and their worries about someone else's feelings about it, and how they should respond in a way that takes both into account.  We are all still learning and growing in this area.  We shouldn't expect a four-year old to have mastered it.  And we definitely shouldn't take it personally when they haven't.   

[MercyA]

I do not understand why everyone wants to get him a new gift. 

 

Because I'm a softy and the kid is 4. I really don't think it's a big deal either way, though.

[Noreen Claire]

He probably expected to unwrap strawberry cake with strawberry frosting with strawberries on top.

 

A doll is disappointing when you're expecting cake.  :001_smile:

 

OH MY GOD, you're right!!!!! Thank you! Next year, cake first. :-)

 

Also, I'm guessing the extra tears were because I'm pregnant and extra sensitive. 

 

Family came over and he got Legos and coloring books and a lefty baseball mitt. He was very happy. The doll is still sitting in the living room, untouched. But, hey, the littlest turns two at the end of the month - maybe he would like it!

 

This face.... this is the face I was hoping for!

 

Edited April 15, 2016 by Noreen Claire

[ChocolateReignRemix]

He is a cutie! And he definitely likes that cake!

[Xahm]

OH MY GOD, you're right!!!!! Thank you! Next year, cake first. :-)

 

Also, I'm guessing the extra tears were because I'm pregnant and extra sensitive. 

 

 

Haha! I actually was tempted to ask "are you pregnant?" 

Then I realized I don't know you and might get taken for a jerk.

 

I'm so glad your son loved his cake! He's adorable.

[MistyMountain]

I have seen several 4 year olds have that reaction over a gift. I have gotten gifts over the years that did not end up being used as much as I would like. Years later they will not remember everything they got on birthdays anyway. I am glad he really liked his cake.

[Ravin]

We were broke at my DS's last birthday, and all I got him was an inexpensive toy, but he chose it so was happy with it. A couple of weeks later, we did Easter baskets, and DD and I picked out what would go in his...he liked 2 of the things and rejected the rest--most of which we really thought he would like.

 

4-5 is a hard age. They are old enough to have opinions, and young enough that they don't have filters yet. Everything is right out there, and you know exactly how they feel.

[barnwife]

OP, it looks like the cake was a hit!

One last thought, please don't do something my mom did. When I was 7 (? maybe 8), I received a bday gift from my mom and dad. I didn't want it. However, by that point I was well-versed in "say thanks" and then move on.

So I said thanks and moved on to the other gifts. I didn't feel comfortable asking (later on) to return it and exchange it for something else.

Anyway, I never ever touched the gift. I never opened the box. 

Recently, my mom gave it to me. "Here's the gift you got for your birthday and never used. I thought you'd want it."
 

Needless to say, my mom and I have a strained relationship.

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Ouch well that hurts!  Kids can be brutally honest.

 

 

[MamaBearTeacher]

I once got my son a book that was printed with pictures of him as the hero and his name in the text. I could not wait to see the look on his face. I thought he would love it. Instead he cried and said he hated it. When I asked him why he said that he felt it was making fun of him. I tried to explain how it wasn't but he would not change his mind. He has not even looked at the book since and it has been 2 years. I felt like a failed mom too!

[Noreen Claire]

Recently, my mom gave it to me. "Here's the gift you got for your birthday and never used. I thought you'd want it."

 

 

I don't.... I can't... Why would she.... Ugh. I'm not a touchy-feely person, but I just want to give you a hug right now. I'm so sorry.

[Noreen Claire]

I once got my son a book that was printed with pictures of him as the hero and his name in the text. I could not wait to see the look on his face. I thought he would love it. Instead he cried and said he hated it. When I asked him why he said that he felt it was making fun of him. I tried to explain how it wasn't but he would not change his mind. He has not even looked at the book since and it has been 2 years. I felt like a failed mom too!

 

Oh, no! That's too bad. I'm sorry. What we do to try and make kids happy!