Is this too harsh? Ds continues to lose swim goggles

[grantmeawish]

My Ds 11 has lost or broken 5 pairs of goggles in 2 months. We make him pay to replace them by doing extra chores to earn money, but 5 pairs! This is getting ridiculous. He borrowed a pair from his friend this week and he lost those so now he will have to replace those too. He is a good kid but absent minded and sometimes reluctant to take responsibility. Well I had enough last night. I told him he needed to find a way outside of his family to earn money to replace the goggles AND I would not be taking him to do a fun activity that he has really been looking forward to today. He completely melted down because I'm not taking him. My DH says it seems harsh to include the missed activity as punishment as well since I'm already making him find a way to earn money.

What do you guys think?

[Ottakee]

Can you.give him a checklist to go over each day before leaving for practice and then again before leaving practice?

 

I have several with ADHD and one would lose his head if it wasn't attached. Checklists can be a lifesaver.

[FriedClams]

In lieu of the activity I'd have him work at the house to earn money to replace the friend's goggles. He can mow or rake a yard, clean a car out (and vacuum, wash the car, etc), scrub base boards, etc. I don't pay well so it might take a good, long afternoon. Then, I would not buy any goggles for him. We swam a ton as kids without goggles. Yes, sometimes our eyes stung, but my parents wouldn't have even considered replacing something I lost. Not once, much less four times. My siblings and I likely wouldn't have ever told them for fear of "the responsibility talk"! If he wants some in the future, he buys them AFTER working to earn the money. No gifts, no freebies. I think the sweat equity might help him care more.

[marbel]

Keeping him from the activity isn't going to help him not to lose goggles.  Giving him work to earn money to pay for lost goggles is fine, I think.  And, helping him figure out how to stop losing them.  But I don't see the point of keeping him home from the planned activity.  Does the activity require goggles?

 

 

[creekland]

Definitely too harsh because you decided after the loss that this would be the penalty.  You gave him no warning or chance to try to earn this event.

 

It's fine to up the ante - esp for repeated problems - but the way to do it is to sit down and have a short discussion with junior detailing cause/effect.

 

"Losing your googles has become a regular problem now and it's one we need to fix.  We're making this checklist to try to help you remember.  However, if that doesn't work, you're also going to have to come up with your own money from outside the family to replace them."

 

If you want more added - such as no transportation to events - then put them in there too, but it needs to be with advanced warning, preferably right before swim practice and not "I'm angry so I'm throwing a tantrum and taking away something you didn't even know was up for grabs."

 

Everyone needs to know consequences before behaviors - not after.  It sounds like you hadn't even mentioned this punishment before.

Edited March 4, 2016 by creekland

[plansrme]

My 11 yo was like that about water bottles. My only suggestion is to wait until he is 12--then this will look like nothing, because at 12, everything goes to heck. Or maybe that's just my kid.

[hellen]

How does he break goggles? If it's the straps, those can be replaced cheaply. Swim outlet sells them.

 

As for losing them, I would figure out how he is losing them. If he can bring home a swimsuit and towel he can bring home goggles. Maybe that means he just needs to wear them on his head until he gets to the locker room or he has a bag and he throws them in there as soon as he comes out of the pool.

 

I can understand your frustration but I think your son needs your help to find a solution not punishment.

[ktgrok]

This isn't a character issue, it's probably an executive function issue. Punishing him won't make him less likely to lose them, but teaching him ways to be more organized and helping him stick to those ways will give him a lifetime of benefits. 

 

I lose everything. I have lost more purses than I can remember. I have lost an entire stroller. I misplace my phone and keys regularly. I never had a pencil in class as a kid. I promise you, it isn't that I don't care. As an adult I have to replace the things I lose, so money doesn't factor in. My brain just isn't wired to keep track of things like that. But I care, and punishing me to make me care more wouldn't help. 

 

What helps is to have very specific plans for where to put things, and when. To have a solid routine. To have someone (DH) ask me as I leave "Hey, got your phone?" as a reminder. That kind of thing. Help him come up with a plan, then check in with him on each step of it for at least a month as it becomes automatic. 

 

Honestly, punishing for this stuff, if the kid does have EF issues, isn't doing anything but making him feel worse about himself. It does nothing to change the careless behavior because he doesn't know how to change th behavior. It's like punishing a kid for getting a math problem wrong that they don't know how to do. 

[PeterPan]

Yes, you're being outrageous.  If he's lost them 5 times in 2 weeks, you aren't providing the support he needs to succeed.  Punish yourself, send him to the event.  And as for earning them, I wouldn't.  I'd have a sit down talk, show him two new pairs, show him the swim bag and the visual schedule for packing (hung on the wall by the bag), and attach a small key fob size checklist to the strap of the bag.  He checks that tag before he leaves the pool and then uses it to put away his wet things when he gets home.  And you supervise it.

 

I have two kids with ADHD and with my younger ds especially I provide this kind of support.  We swim 3-4 days a week btw, so I'm not unsympathetic.  I provide support for things I want to have happen and I consider it my fault when a young dc isn't able to succeed.  

Edited March 4, 2016 by OhElizabeth

[bettyandbob]

I'd work on a checklist and routine for him.

 

Do you take home to practice or does he carpool?

 

It might be worth dropping out of carpool to learn a routine. If he has executive function deficits, he need to learn how to set up routines and organize for himself over time. You helping him though this one (and several more) will help him get there.

 

Put together a checklist. Laminate it in a tag and attach it to his dedicated swim practice bag. Have him check it before leaving home. He is not to open the bag again until he is at the pool. If he gets on deck with out goggles the only place to look is the locker room. When exits practice, but before you leave the building, he needs to go through the list again.

 

Do it every time. Watch him do it until long past you think it is a habit. Do periodic checks that he is still following routine.

 

These life skills become more important through teen years and college and beyond. You don't notice as much when they are young, but stuff like this is everywhere when kids start doing more independently and are expected to do more.

[PeterPan]

Definitely too harsh because you decided after the loss that this would be the penalty.  You gave him no warning or chance to try to earn this event.

 

It's fine to up the ante - esp for repeated problems - but the way to do it is to sit down and have a short discussion with junior detailing cause/effect.

 

"Losing your googles has become a regular problem now and it's one we need to fix.  We're making this checklist to try to help you remember.  However, if that doesn't work, you're also going to have to come up with your own money from outside the family to replace them."

 

If you want more added - such as no transportation to events - then put them in there too, but it needs to be with advanced warning, preferably right before swim practice and not "I'm angry so I'm throwing a tantrum and taking away something you didn't even know what up for grabs."

 

Everyone needs to know consequences before behaviors - not after.  It sounds like you hadn't even mentioned this punishment before.

Truly!  And kids REMEMBER this kind of injustice!  You will not cause problems by showing mercy and giving more support, but you WILL cause problems by coming across as unjust, uncaring,etc.

[catz]

Is he on a swim team?

 

I will just say my son had a couple very absent minded years. I put checklist on the back door for a while. At pick up, I would prompt him for the check list(do you have your water bottle, script, shoes, etc). I think having him swim without goggles is fine and making him earn for the goggles is fine. I would not take away the activity. My kids do better with more physical activity. And if there is a team aspect involved or even a community aspect, it's unfair to everyone else involved. As a freshman in high school, he is better. Executive function stuff does not come naturally to some kids.

 

Eta for 8000 ipad typos!

Edited March 4, 2016 by WoolySocks

[amy g.]

I had 4 kids losing googles one summer. I made a rule that they couldn't take them off...at all. They even slept with their goggles.

 

When they weren't swimming, they wore them around their neck. I might have said I was going to fine them if I saw them without their goggles, but I didn't ever have to do it.

 

It solved my problem because they didn't lose anymore and it is a favorite story that my adult kids bring up to illustrate how much they endured in their childhood so I call it a win all the way around.

Edited March 4, 2016 by amy g.

[grantmeawish]

Thank you all for the advice and much needed perspective! I am going to talk to him today and work on checklists and resolutions. I should probably apologize for my overreaction...

Knowing what to do in these situations is so hard for me! I didn't have very involved parents growing up so usually I feel like I'm winging it, for better or worse.

[ktgrok]

Thank you all for the advice and much needed perspective! I am going to talk to him today and work on checklists and resolutions. I should probably apologize for my overreaction...

Knowing what to do in these situations is so hard for me! I didn't have very involved parents growing up so usually I feel like I'm winging it, for better or worse.

 

Don't beat yourself up! You are probably a "born organized" kind of person, so you wouldn't get this intuitively the way us "absent minded professors" do :)

 

But yes, just remind yourself this isn't about character (although the world will tell you it is). It's a skill, that he doesn't come by naturally, but that can be taught and improved upon. Treat it the way you would a kid who is bad at baseball or something.....he needs help, reminders, and constant reinforcement, not punishment. 

[Kim in Appalachia]

I have 5 kids, they have all done swimming. We go through a lot of goggles. They break, they get lost.  It happens.  Yes, your child needs to learn to be more responsible, but you need to help him learn.  Every time, you need to ask, "Where are your goggles?"  You need to help him get better about knowing where they are.

 

When he's in the pool, if they don't need to be on his eyes, they need to stay up on his head.  He needs a checklist that he goes through to make sure he has goggles, suit, and towel.

 

We had a summer where 2 suits were lost (by same child), and several goggles misplaced (over 5). I had to get better and making sure my kids learned how to have their stuff.  Suits wear out, goggles break, at that point you will just need to replace them.  

 

I always kept a few extra pair at home, and even one pair in the van in case the goggles broke.  Some kids carried extra suits with them, in case the suit gave out, and yes, we have made use of their generous offer to wear their extra suit.:)  

 

I know I have gotten frustrated and mad too, but you have to take a deep breath, and just know that it's part of the sport. 

[creekland]

Thank you all for the advice and much needed perspective! I am going to talk to him today and work on checklists and resolutions. I should probably apologize for my overreaction...

Knowing what to do in these situations is so hard for me! I didn't have very involved parents growing up so usually I feel like I'm winging it, for better or worse.

 

Definitely apologize, but put it all in perspective so he can learn from this whole thing.  We're not perfect and it helps our kids develop when they see us as human and working at things too.

 

"Junior, listen, I'm sorry I got so mad at your lost googles.  It's really frustrating to me that you have to keep replacing them and I got mad.  I was wrong to tell you I wouldn't take you to your event, so of course you can still go, BUT the lost googles is something WE need to work on because losing things all the time is certainly not something either of us wants to happen.  Let's try a checklist..."

 

Work together as a team.

 

I'd try a checklist or even small reward system first (piece of chocolate if you bring them home) as those almost always work better than punishment and certainly make life more fun.  Some people are against rewards to modify behavior.  I've never figured out why.  Even as adults, rewards bring better results and better brain moods than punishment ever will.  Rewards are only detrimental when one starts giving them for something already enjoyed.  (A kid loves reading, then starts getting a reward for every book and eventually will not want to read unless they get a reward.  This is NOT that type of situation.)

 

Make the reward sporadic rather than constant.  Constant rewards become expectations.  Sporadic rewards give the most pleasure AND the most compliance.

 

If you find he's not caring enough even with your help, then I'd switch to trying punishment - still with an explanation.  "We tried a checklist and reminders and chocolate, but I don't see you putting any effort into this.  If it happens today, then ______.  I need you to work on this and it's not just me, it's a good habit for life."

[Lolly]

Thank you all for the advice and much needed perspective! I am going to talk to him today and work on checklists and resolutions. I should probably apologize for my overreaction...

Knowing what to do in these situations is so hard for me! I didn't have very involved parents growing up so usually I feel like I'm winging it, for better or worse.

 

 

Honestly, we are all winging it. He is going to learn a huge lesson from this-- sometimes we do things that we regret and when we do we apologize and move on. As far as the goggles go, I would NOT have him swim multiple practices without them. One here and there (as in day of loss) is fine, but the hours these kids put in the pool is not the same as what people are remembering from their childhood. Goggles have allowed longer practice times that simply were not possible without goggles. I would be asking to see his goggles before leaving practice every single time for a while. If that means no car pool, I would make that sacrifice. The checklist is a good idea, but I would be there to make sure he was checking it for the first few weeks. It is a habit that has to be built.

[bolt.]

I see you've gotten a bunch already, but just briefly from me:

 

I think unrelated consequences while not "harsh" are rarely effective, and therefore pretty pointless at any level from "mild" to "harsh". They are essentially making your child upset for no reason, and no gain.

 

You'd be far better off continuing the money-based plan for making amends, while significantly investing your energy in a practical plan to teach him when, where, and how to continually monitor his goggles. It's a great opportunity to work with him and improve his skills.

[skimomma]

I agree that taking away the planned activity is not really effective or appropriate.  However, barring EF issues, I would take a hands-off approach.  My 12 yo dd was on the swim team last year and managed to lose two pairs of goggles and a swim cap.  She does not have any EF issues other than being 12.  I anticipated this issue ahead of time (because practices take place at a busy pool where left-behind items were not likely to be recovered) so when I bought her the goggles, cap, and swimsuit (along with the significant cost of being on the swim team) I explained that I would not be replacing any of the items during the season unless they were defective or worn out from use.  I was willing to drive dd to the store so she could buy a replacement if necessary.   Sure enough, the goggles went missing during the first week.  As much as I wanted to question dd to see if I could help find them, I refrained.  I simply remarked that it was too bad and would she like me to make a time to drive her to the store.  She declined because she wanted a a chance to try to find them.  She went to practice goggle-less and lived to tell about it.  Then she asked me to take her to the store.  I did not even go inside.  She used her own cat sitting money and bought a new pair.  The next week the new goggles and cap went missing.  She did not even tell me about it but just asked for another ride to the store.  This time she was low on cash and had to buy cheap goggles and cap.  That cured her.  She made a checklist herself to keep in a ziplock bag attached to her swim bag.  After earning enough money, she asked for yet another ride to the store so she could upgrade goggles to the original type I had purchased.  She has not lost anything at the pool since.

 

I really stuck my ground on this one because dd has lost far more valuable items that she could never hope to be able to replace herself.  Because we replaced them for her, I don't think she could internalize the importance of taking steps to help ensure she did not lose items.  Everyone loses things sometimes and that is normal.  But to allow the same type of loss to happen repeatedly when some simple steps could help avoid it is frustrating to watch but nearly impossible to instill in someone else until they have incentive to do so.  I saw the swim stuff as the perfect opportunity because it was all affordable enough that dd could replace items as needed.  We do still take a very active role in helping dd to ensure more expensive items are not lost (phone, library books, musical instrument, etc....) but I feel dd is now much more receptive to this help after the "great goggle incident."

[sassenach]

I agree with your dh.

 

I feel your pain. We had an absent minded swimmer. My coping mechanism for meets was that she needed to check in her goggles right after a swim, and come check them out as she was lining up. For practices, I was like that old folk tale, The Mitten. First I look to see her happy face, then I immediately check for her goggles. We wouldn't leave the pool until she found them and they were put in her bag.

 

Even with that micromanaging, she still lost a few pairs.

[Amy in NH]

I think consequences should be logical or natural. Making him miss some activity unrelated to the problem is neither of those. He should work around the house to replace his friend's goggles, and then not get any new ones to use himself. He should also not be allowed to borrow any from now on. He can suffer the consequences of not having any.

 

And you should tell him you were wrong about the activity, and then bring him.

Edited March 4, 2016 by Amy in NH

[foxbridgeacademy]

Definitely too harsh because you decided after the loss that this would be the penalty.  You gave him no warning or chance to try to earn this event.

 

It's fine to up the ante - esp for repeated problems - but the way to do it is to sit down and have a short discussion with junior detailing cause/effect.

 

"Losing your googles has become a regular problem now and it's one we need to fix.  We're making this checklist to try to help you remember.  However, if that doesn't work, you're also going to have to come up with your own money from outside the family to replace them."

 

If you want more added - such as no transportation to events - then put them in there too, but it needs to be with advanced warning, preferably right before swim practice and not "I'm angry so I'm throwing a tantrum and taking away something you didn't even know was up for grabs."

 

Everyone needs to know consequences before behaviors - not after.  It sounds like you hadn't even mentioned this punishment before.

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree: Absolutely agree with this.  I'd tell my kid that I spoke to quickly and I've since thought it over and the future consequences will be...... XYZ. Personally I probably wouldn't do more than lecture and nag a bit (list making is excellent form of nagging) for a forgetful 11 year old.  DS was and still is a forgetful lose everything kid, it's part of who he is and I love every bit of him.  That doesn't mean he doesn't frustrate the heck out of me but knowing his issues helps me to help him figure out how to overcome them, that's my job.  When he forgets things I express disappointment, when it becomes a burden we have "talks" (my kids would almost rather be grounded then listen to me go on and on)  It's helped but not as much as age and maturity have.  I see improvement every single day since around his 13th birthday.

[MysteryJen]

We have lost or broken lots of goggles over the years of swimming. You were a little harsh, but I get your frustration. I would have taken him to practice and he could have practiced without goggles. Uncomfortable, but it wouldn't kill him and it would highlight the importance of having your goggles. Same thing for meets. The consequence of losing goggles is not being able to wear them. A practice or a few races without goggles is the best teacher.

 

Our teen boys keep a sparkly pink small (!) speedo in the locker room and if someone forgets their suit, they have to wear it. No one has "forgotten" a suit in a while.

 

A spare pair of goggles in the car with a known ( and hated ) chore attached to using them might help reinforce the need to keep track of goggles. And a checklist in the car. He gets in and you ask " do you have your suit, goggles, equipment bag, towel, etc.?" Doing that every time will cement the list even in 11 yo boys heads.

[justasque]

Lots of good advice here. I would add - using a Sharpie, write your last name on the goggles, on the strap and on the plastic part, as soon as you take them out of the package. This will up your chances of not losing them, and of getting them back if they are lost.

 

(Last name, so they can, if they survive, be handed down to the next sibling.)

[SKL]

I wouldn't punish, but I would inform him that you aren't buying any more swim goggles, period.  I did that with my kids about a year ago.  I myself have never used swim goggles, and I'm still alive, so they can survive it too.  :)

 

Another option is to let him spend his own money on cheap goggles at the dollar store.

[Daria]

My Ds 11 has lost or broken 5 pairs of goggles in 2 months. We make him pay to replace them by doing extra chores to earn money, but 5 pairs! This is getting ridiculous. He borrowed a pair from his friend this week and he lost those so now he will have to replace those too. He is a good kid but absent minded and sometimes reluctant to take responsibility. Well I had enough last night. I told him he needed to find a way outside of his family to earn money to replace the goggles AND I would not be taking him to do a fun activity that he has really been looking forward to today. He completely melted down because I'm not taking him. My DH says it seems harsh to include the missed activity as punishment as well since I'm already making him find a way to earn money.

What do you guys think?

 

In my family, the consequence for losing a pair of goggles would be that you didn't have goggles.  They are, after all, not an necessity.  Protecting him from the natural consequence of losing them by repeatedly buying new pairs, and then also imposing a arbitrary punishment would not be my choice.

[EmseB]

I lost goggles a lot at swim practice.  Sometimes I'd forget my swimsuit when leaving the locker room.  Caps?  Sooo many.

 

It made my dad, in particular, angry and frustrated.

 

I didn't want to be losing my goggles or any of it.

 

As an adult I could develop systems for myself to walk out of the door with everything I needed, and leave a store with everything I came in with (my wallet, for example), but I still will leave somewhere and have a momentary panic not knowing if I remembered to get my wallet off the checkout counter or something.  That's even with making sure I did get it the first time.  I will go to bed and just as I'm dozing off, wake up with a start wondering if I did, in fact, remember to lock the car up after we came home and I will get out of bed and hit the key fob to be sure.  My lack of remembering this cost us a GPS and a car charger when thieves went through our neighborhood once looking for unlocked vehicles.

 

It's just the way my brain is.  It tends to be slightly worse now that I have kids because I am making sure that I have all of them  and their things, and that means I'm not as good at chanting through my own belongings.

I agree with those who said the consequence was too hard after the fact.  I do agree with making sure he is taking responsibility.  I lost them, I have trouble keeping track of things, therefore I need to get a system for remembering all my things.

But, to the PP, goggles are a necessity for swim practice.  Someone's eyes would be really, really burning after an hour of swimming without goggles.  That's not a consequence I'd want to impose on anyone, natural or not.

[Lady Florida.]

My 11 yo was like that about water bottles. 

 

Ha! I'm like that about water bottles. I left two different water bottles in two different locations on the same day earlier this week. Fortunately one was at a family member's house the other in a friend's car. I don't generally lose things or leave them behind. It's only water bottles.  :confused1:

 

Thank you all for the advice and much needed perspective! I am going to talk to him today and work on checklists and resolutions. I should probably apologize for my overreaction...

Knowing what to do in these situations is so hard for me! I didn't have very involved parents growing up so usually I feel like I'm winging it, for better or worse.

 

Aw, don't beat yourself up. Do apologize though. Kids notice when parents own up to their mistakes. It's a great way to teach by example.

Edited March 5, 2016 by Lady Florida

[Murphy101]

I would just refuse to buy them anymore.

 

He can either suck it up and do without or earn the money from someone else to buy them.

 

ETA: and a strategy for not losing them is helpful. Maybe a swim bag where if he isn't wearing it, it is always always ALWAYS put directly in bag?

Edited March 4, 2016 by Murphy101

[Jyhwkmama]

I agree that taking away the planned activity is not really effective or appropriate.  However, barring EF issues, I would take a hands-off approach.  My 12 yo dd was on the swim team last year and managed to lose two pairs of goggles and a swim cap.  She does not have any EF issues other than being 12.  I anticipated this issue ahead of time (because practices take place at a busy pool where left-behind items were not likely to be recovered) so when I bought her the goggles, cap, and swimsuit (along with the significant cost of being on the swim team) I explained that I would not be replacing any of the items during the season unless they were defective or worn out from use.  I was willing to drive dd to the store so she could buy a replacement if necessary.   Sure enough, the goggles went missing during the first week.  As much as I wanted to question dd to see if I could help find them, I refrained.  I simply remarked that it was too bad and would she like me to make a time to drive her to the store.  She declined because she wanted a a chance to try to find them.  She went to practice goggle-less and lived to tell about it.  Then she asked me to take her to the store.  I did not even go inside.  She used her own cat sitting money and bought a new pair.  The next week the new goggles and cap went missing.  She did not even tell me about it but just asked for another ride to the store.  This time she was low on cash and had to buy cheap goggles and cap.  That cured her.  She made a checklist herself to keep in a ziplock bag attached to her swim bag.  After earning enough money, she asked for yet another ride to the store so she could upgrade goggles to the original type I had purchased.  She has not lost anything at the pool since.

 

I really stuck my ground on this one because dd has lost far more valuable items that she could never hope to be able to replace herself.  Because we replaced them for her, I don't think she could internalize the importance of taking steps to help ensure she did not lose items.  Everyone loses things sometimes and that is normal.  But to allow the same type of loss to happen repeatedly when some simple steps could help avoid it is frustrating to watch but nearly impossible to instill in someone else until they have incentive to do so.  I saw the swim stuff as the perfect opportunity because it was all affordable enough that dd could replace items as needed.  We do still take a very active role in helping dd to ensure more expensive items are not lost (phone, library books, musical instrument, etc....) but I feel dd is now much more receptive to this help after the "great goggle incident."

 

This was some really excellent parenting!

[clementine]

Our punishment would be 'the loss of 5 pair of goggles = swim with no goggles (at least one practice)' .  I honestly think it would take one night of swimming without goggles to make my kiddo a lot more careful about keeping track of them.   Also, our pool lost and found has goggles galore....borrow a pair from there or swim without.  

 

Next step would be to assign dollar amounts to chores around the house and have him work off the cost of a new pair of goggles.   

 

Both of those are a consequence that he'll feel - and hopefully won't want to repeat.  

 

 

[umsami]

This would drive me absolutely bonkers.  I admit.

 

I would probably try and help him manage his goggles better (after paying for a new pair for the friend.)   So, maybe when he gets in the car, the goggles automatically go into the glove compartment or some other special place.  They don't leave the car except to go to the pool and back.  First thing in the car, we do a check.... have your swim bag?  Goggles in there?  OK...put them in the glove compartment.

 

 

 

My first inclination would be to punish him.... I admit....but I realize that's only a punishment and wouldn't really be solving the problem (teaching better skills).

 

:grouphug:

 

 

[JanetC]

I would stop trying to punish this problem out of him and work on systems for not losing goggles!

 

No, he can't treat you like an endless goggle supply, but does he actually have path to earning money outside the home, or is he going to have to go door to door begging the neighbors for odd jobs?

[Alice]

dp

Edited March 4, 2016 by Alice

[Alice]

We have lost or broken lots of goggles over the years of swimming. You were a little harsh, but I get your frustration. I would have taken him to practice and he could have practiced without goggles. Uncomfortable, but it wouldn't kill him and it would highlight the importance of having your goggles. Same thing for meets. The consequence of losing goggles is not being able to wear them. A practice or a few races without goggles is the best teacher.

 

Our teen boys keep a sparkly pink small (!) speedo in the locker room and if someone forgets their suit, they have to wear it. No one has "forgotten" a suit in a while.

 

A spare pair of goggles in the car with a known ( and hated ) chore attached to using them might help reinforce the need to keep track of goggles. And a checklist in the car. He gets in and you ask " do you have your suit, goggles, equipment bag, towel, etc.?" Doing that every time will cement the list even in 11 yo boys heads.

 

I have a 12 year old boy swimmer. He has forgotten his suit four or five times. Twice going to meets. Other times for practice. It blows my mind how someone can be told to get ready for swim practice and then FORGET THEIR SUIT. He usually wears his suit to practice which makes it even worse, it's not like forgot to put it in his bag. He just forgot to put it on his body! Years ago I instituted a policy that if I had to go back and get something that someone had forgotten that they have to pay me $5. For us that worked, because he is the most forgetful and the most motivated by money. My point was that my time was valuable and I wanted him to realize that. He only had to pay once or twice (he can choose to make do without the thing he forgot instead of paying). Last summer he swam a practice in shorts instead of his swimsuit and I think that cured him from forgetting. He was exhausted after because it's really hard to swim in a pair of baggy shorts and boxers. :)

 

Not much else to add other than I feel your pain. I have also realized that for this particular child that saying "are you ready" isn't enough. So now I ask "Do you have your suit? Your goggles? Your towel? Your water bottle? Etc." 

 

The other thing we did was to have a spare pair of goggles and a suit that he keeps in his bag. That way when he or his brother inevitably forget or lose their goggles they can have that back-up pair. 

Edited March 4, 2016 by Alice

[StephanieZ]

I think it's too harsh. Honestly, it sounds really mean.

 

Let him go to the activity. 

 

Let him earn the $ to replace the googles around the house.

 

If you can't afford to pay him enough for chores to keep replacing the goggles, then take a time out from swim to save up the $. 

 

Find some cheap goggles and buy 5 pairs at a time. 

 

 

[Kim in Appalachia]

I

But, to the PP, goggles are a necessity for swim practice.  Someone's eyes would be really, really burning after an hour of swimming without goggles.  That's not a consequence I'd want to impose on anyone, natural or not.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Do not make your child swim without goggles.  The chlorine in the pool is kept high.  That is not good for his eyes. Help the child learn to be responsible.  You can have him work towards paying for them, but don't punish him like that.   

[Reefgazer]

I agree with you; 11 is old enough to take responsibility for his goggles.  I would mention it no more; if he wants goggles, he'll buy them and keep track of them.

[Seasider]

Out solution has been to leave some swim goggles in the car. This works because I'm the one transporting to swimming opportunities.

[Guest]

Swim goggles were about the only things my son DID keep track of.  We got him 4 pairs when he started swim team at age 6 and he had 3 left when he was done at age 18.  The fourth pair, he had given to a friend.  :0)

 

THAT SAID:  we did the checklist, and it did help over time.  I had a plastic basket that kept All The Stuff, and a laminated check list, with everything that COULD be attached by caribiner (however you spell it) attached to the basket.  The sunscreen bottle and the Sharpie for writing race times on his arm had caribiner attachments.  

 

As for the punishment, I'd stick to earning the money--and I think earning the money outside the home is a good idea on this one...because at some point, he has to do more work to get the money just to find the work...and that is a bit more...memorable.  

 

One other thing you might consider is that YOUR taking away his activities makes this an issue between you and him.  At our swim team, the kids were not allowed to swim without goggles.  So the coach would have made my son sit on the sideline until he had goggles.  And I would NOT have allowed my son to just stay home instead of sitting on the side.  THAT is a missed activity, but also a natural consequence.  

 

ETA:  There was always a basket of lost & found goggles at the pool, and that came in handy a couple of times, when my son forgot the whole durned basket.  LOL  :0)

 

 

[Laurie4b]

My Ds 11 has lost or broken 5 pairs of goggles in 2 months. We make him pay to replace them by doing extra chores to earn money, but 5 pairs! This is getting ridiculous. He borrowed a pair from his friend this week and he lost those so now he will have to replace those too. He is a good kid but absent minded and sometimes reluctant to take responsibility. Well I had enough last night. I told him he needed to find a way outside of his family to earn money to replace the goggles AND I would not be taking him to do a fun activity that he has really been looking forward to today. He completely melted down because I'm not taking him. My DH says it seems harsh to include the missed activity as punishment as well since I'm already making him find a way to earn money.

What do you guys think?

 

 

I think it's harsh and not getting to the root of the problem. If he's had to pay for 5 pairs, don't you think he'd like to stop losing them? So help him. Become his ally. 

 

His brain is clearly wired differently that yours.  Assuming that his brain is the same as yours is what is causing you to miss the issue. You need to adapt your help to the way his brain works. 

 

I am STILL a loser-of-objects and I am almost 60. I have many ADHD traits. I was hurt only, not helped, by being punished for losing things. 

 

Things that help me now:

 

1. I have to compulsively check for things that are very bad to lose. For instance, I check my keys before leaving the house, after exiting the car, but before shutting the door. I make myself physically touch them. 

 

2. For other things, like reading glasses, I have bought several cheap pairs. I arrived at work today with none of them, so I will leave a pair there. 

 

3. My family helps me find things. 

 

Please get some books on  helping people with ADHD be organized. Even if your son doesn't have the full syndrome, the constant losing things is an executive function deficit. Help him. Stop punishing him. You will only increase his anxiety and guilt, not his competency. "Scaffold" your help. So YOU take responsibility for asking him as he exits the locker room where the goggles are. Make him actually look and touch them. After a while, as he exits the locker room, ask if there is anything he should check for. Let him remember. If he checks on his own, reward him! 

[katilac]

That cured her.  

 

 

I think you have a good and fair method overall, that will work with lots of kids, I just wanted to be another one to say that some people are never really 'cured' of absentmindedness.

 

It's well worth trying and training, of course, but it just doesn't stick with some people, even when they are paying the logical consequences again and again. 

 

My now-grown nephew is married, has a professional job, works with prominent clients, always looks ready for the cover of GQ...but still manages to leave his wallet all over town! It's not like he hasn't had the responsibility and paid the consequences for many, many years now. It's a little crazy, because he has so much responsibility at work. 

 

When a kid is doing this repeatedly, and generally has a good attitude, I would assume that he needs a lot more scaffolding to be successful. Kids advance academically at different speeds, and they pick up life skills at different speeds. I'd work with him on this, giving extra support and 'tutoring,' just as I would with a kid who was having trouble with the quadratic equation or chemistry formulas. 

 

You CAN train most kids to do better, given time. You can't punish carelessness out of them or yell it into them. 

[Rebel Yell]

Definitely too harsh because you decided after the loss that this would be the penalty.  You gave him no warning or chance to try to earn this event.

 

<snipped>

 

:iagree:

 

I would also be looking for a source to buy goggles in bulk to have them ready at home. :coolgleamA:

[HS Mom in NC]

I think  it's really important to start shifting the burden of responsibility onto the child, not mom.  Mom should be modeling the thought process out loud that those of us who are born and/or trained organizers have running in our heads.  If a child isn't naturally inclined to it, they have to be taught it explicitly and 11 is plenty old enough to do that.

 

So, I wouldn't make the check list for the kid or say/read it off for him.  I would sit the kid down and say, "What's the problem? What can you do to solve this problem? Come up with some ideas." Some more prompting questions may be necessary at this point. Then when the kid suggests something like a checklist I would say, "What are you going to write on your checklist?" If the kid isn't brainstorming enough things I would ask more prompting questions until the list was complete.  I'd supervise the making of the list to make sure everything was on there. Then I'd ask, "Where are you going to keep this checklist so it can be helpful to you?"  and I'd steer that conversation in a reasonable direction with prompting questions if necessary.

When it's time to get ready for swim practice I would ask, "It's time to get ready.  What are you specifically going to do to get ready?" and any other prompting questions to get the kid to say out loud something along the lines of, "I'll get my checklist and my stuff." I'd do something similar at the end of practice and when we get home from practice.

Yes, organized people usually have one designated place where each thing goes and they make a priority out of deciding where that is and getting things back in their places as soon as possible. They don't consider themselves "done" when the activity is over. The activity isn't over until everything involved in the activity is put away in its designated space.  They tend to only handle things once rather than  putting it down where it doesn't go "for now" and then put it away later.
 

[chiguirre]

Is there a lost and found? All those goggles are somewhere....

[sassenach]

Swim goggles were about the only things my son DID keep track of.  We got him 4 pairs when he started swim team at age 6 and he had 3 left when he was done at age 18.  The fourth pair, he had given to a friend.  :0)

 

THAT SAID:  we did the checklist, and it did help over time.  I had a plastic basket that kept All The Stuff, and a laminated check list, with everything that COULD be attached by caribiner (however you spell it) attached to the basket.  The sunscreen bottle and the Sharpie for writing race times on his arm had caribiner attachments.  

 

As for the punishment, I'd stick to earning the money--and I think earning the money outside the home is a good idea on this one...because at some point, he has to do more work to get the money just to find the work...and that is a bit more...memorable.  

 

One other thing you might consider is that YOUR taking away his activities makes this an issue between you and him.  At our swim team, the kids were not allowed to swim without goggles.  So the coach would have made my son sit on the sideline until he had goggles.  And I would NOT have allowed my son to just stay home instead of sitting on the side.  THAT is a missed activity, but also a natural consequence.  

Say, whaaaaat?! What brand of super goggles were those? I've never heard of such durability.

 

Also, did his face and head not grow? 

Edited March 4, 2016 by Sassenach

[Guest]

Say, whaaaaat?! What brand of super goggles were those? I've never heard of such durability.

 

Also, did his face and head not grow? 

 

LOL

 

I think they were Speedos.  Anyway, they were YELLOW with blue straps and he liked that.  I think he kind of viewed them as his "trademark."  Yeah, he grew, but the straps held up and we just loosened them along the way.  

 

I found it somewhat amusing that after his last race, he put them away forever and now would not be caught dead wearing YELLOW SWIM GOGGLES.  We got him prescription swim goggles as part of his 18th birthday, since he had done such a good job keeping track all those years.  And they do fit a little better.  :0)

[skimomma]

Is there a lost and found? All those goggles are somewhere....

 

I am pretty convinced that the same monster that lives in my dryer that eats only one sock per pair vacations at the pool to eat goggles.  At the last swim meet several parents were talking about the goggles that ALL of our kids have lost and where they possibly could be.  There is a box of "community goggles" at the pool that anyone can use when they forget theirs but they are the super-cheap-fits-no-one dollar store types and not the lost goggles.  So one does have to wonder, where do they go?  I know dd checked the lost and found for her lost pairs.  She even went back to look each day for a week or so in case someone found them later.  But they never appeared.  

[maize]

Have not read other relies.

 

Yes this punishment is both too harsh and too arbitrary.

 

This is like you losing your keys and a policeman saying you have to give up your phone as a punishment.

Edited March 5, 2016 by maize