Should I tell my daughters? - Update Post #79

[Home'scool]

Update post #79

 

 

Edited March 2, 2016 by Home'scool

[Laura Corin]

As your children are adult, I would suggest to your husband that he should be treating them as such, and explaining the true situation.  They will find out at some point anyway - it's much better if they feel that they are being respected by being talked to like grown ups.  It's for him to tell them, not you.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree you don't need to tell them.  He does, but that's all on him.  Don't worry about that.  If you are mad, then be mad.  If you are too mad to be near him, then don't be near him.  KWIM?  I would probably be upset.  Then again it really changes nothing.  You were in the process of divorcing and you still are. 

[NorthwestMom]

I think if he would tell them, that would be ideal. But I also don't think it is wrong to be honest with them if he chooses not to tell - it's your story too. "I am sad because I found out your father has been seeing someone since January, and was not honest with me about it."

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[QueenCat]

No, you should not tell your daughters this about their dad. This is not between them and him. It's between you and him.

[Miss Mousie]

Ugh.  I'm so sorry.

 

I'm not sure it's necessary for your DDs to know right now, but, if they pick up on the change in demeanor and ask about it, I would definitely tell them to ask their father.

 

If they don't ask, I think I'd leave it alone for now. 

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[lllll]

nm

Edited March 7, 2016 by _ oq?"

[happi duck]

I agree with Laura.

 

If he's committed to this going well *he* needs to tell your kids.

 

I think if you tell he'll use that against you at some point.

 

(Hugs)

[bettyandbob]

No. The situation is crappy, but it is between you and him. 

 

You can tell him he needs to tell them. You can tell him that if they ask you will not cover for him. 

 

If they do ask, then tell them, otherwise leave it. 

 

 

[zoobie]

No, I wouldn't tell them. If they ask, you can truthfully say you are having a hard time with something between you and dad and that divorce is stressful.

[GAPeachie]

I'm torn.  But this whole situation is rather odd to me.  The skyping together and things like that.  While I completely understand both of you appearing at the same time during certain events the skyping is just another level than that.  Maybe the college visits too.  I mean if it was "Parents Weekend" I could imagine being there with my ex, but not just for a random visit.  

 

Also, I highly suspect that as you both move into other relationships that it's not going to remain as nice and neat and tidy as this arrangement seems to want to portray.  This arrangement makes me feel like everyone is in denial.  It was much easier for me to function once my mother and step-father officially split.  During the period from the divorce announcement to the split up, I avoided time with them like the plague.  

 

 

Edited March 1, 2016 by GAPeachie

[lmrich]

It is your secret to tell. He needs to tell them. It will come out; it always does. I would not believe him that this has been going on since January, just seen this too often.. I am sorry. Talk to your lawyer. 

[Annie G]

Are the girls fully aware that you guys are in the process of getting divorced or are they holding out hope that you'll get back together? I can see them thinking you might stay together since you live together and visit them together.  If the girls are aware that you really are divorcing, then I wouldn't tell them.    But if they're holding out hope you guys will stay together, they need to at least know that's not going to happen. If they ask questions, I'd deflect and tell them to ask their father.  

 

He's the one who has moved on- he should tell them.  Soon.  Like maybe the next Skype session.  

 

I'm so sorry. Divorce is hard enough without shenanigans like that. 

 

 

[SebastianCat]

I'm so sorry.   Divorce stinks in every situation, but the deception makes it stink even more.

 

Your daughters will very quickly figure it out once your DH's new relationship comes out in the open.   I was 13 when my parents divorced, without any advanced warning signs that I or my younger siblings could see.   But within weeks of the divorce being final, my dad introduced us to his new "friend" and they were married within about two or three months.   We figured it out without any outside help that their relationship had been going on much longer than they admitted at first.

[Acadie]

I'm sorry to say this makes me wonder if there's anything else he hasn't been truthful about, and if you need to do more to protect yourself and your legal and financial interests as the divorce plays out. Is it possible you'd lose some financial interest in the house if you move out? It will be nice if it stays amicable, but the absolute most important thing is that you take care of yourself and your financial wellbeing moving forward. 

 

I guess this is a long way of saying I don't think that the way your daughters find out about this should be your biggest concern right now.

 

Amy

[Incognito]

Yeah, I'd talk to someone (a lawyer?) about what it means if you move out as opposed to him.  Also, the evidence of him being unfaithful may be useful/necessary in dealing with how the divorce is handled.

[Haiku]

I don't want to burden my daughters with anything unnecessary, but I am not sure how this will change the dynamic between me and my husband. Right now I don't even want to speak to him or look at him. How do I explain the change in our amicable-ness? We have been honest about this process all along -- do I inform them of this?

 

Personally, I don't think it's any of your dds' business whether their father is having a relationship with someone else. If you have declared your intention to divorce and are proceeding with doing so, then both you and your husband are free to move on to whatever other relationships you each feel are appropriate for yourselves.

 

I can understand that you are shocked by what you found out, but unless you are hanging on to some hope that you and your husband can reconcile, then I think you need to just let it go. You are moving out, you guys are divorcing, your husband found another relationship. That's what happens when people get divorced.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I was a teenager when my parents divorced, and, honestly, it wasn't my business what their romantic lives were until and unless they chose to tell me.

 

Just my two cents. Your mileage may vary.

[texasmama]

No, I would not tell your daughters, for all the reasons listed already.

[DesertBlossom]

I don't know. He was unfaithful and it contributed to the break up of your marriage. I don't think a person has a right to keep that a secret. Especially when it comes to his kids, whose lives will be forever impacted by his decision. I don't think you should be telling them out of spite. But I don't think it's unfair to be honest either. "Your dad has been dating someone else since xx day and lied to me about it."

 

I've seen how hiding the truth about one spouse's actions has negatively affected their children.

[MinivanMom]

Please say that you have a personal lawyer in addition to the mediator. You need a lawyer. Please don't move out or sign anything without consulting a lawyer. 

[umsami]

I can see both sides of the telling/not-telling them...so I'm not going to comment on that.

 

I just wanted to offer you a :grouphug:  and say that even if you guys are divorcing, that would still be painful.  I'm sorry.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Well...  he initiated the divorce because he was cheating.

 

Color me cynical as a child of divorce, but I'd tell them.

 

It's not like they are not going to figure it out when a girlfriend they doesn't know exists shows up at a completely inappropriate occasion, as she absolutely will, without warning, exactly the same way she showed up on your radar today.

 

Please go to every financial institution and get bank records for the last two years.  I guarantee he's been socking away money somewhere, as people do when they file for divorce.

 

 

I'm sorry to say this makes me wonder if there's anything else he hasn't been truthful about, and if you need to do more to protect yourself and your legal and financial interests as the divorce plays out. Is it possible you'd lose some financial interest in the house if you move out? It will be nice if it stays amicable, but the absolute most important thing is that you take care of yourself and your financial wellbeing moving forward. 

 

I guess this is a long way of saying I don't think that the way your daughters find out about this should be your biggest concern right now.

 

Amy

 

 

Yeah, I'd talk to someone (a lawyer?) about what it means if you move out as opposed to him.  Also, the evidence of him being unfaithful may be useful/necessary in dealing with how the divorce is handled.

 

 

I don't know. He was unfaithful and it contributed to the break up of your marriage. I don't think a person has a right to keep that a secret. Especially when it comes to his kids, whose lives will be forever impacted by his decision. I don't think you should be telling them out of spite. But I don't think it's unfair to be honest either. "Your dad has been dating someone else since xx day and lied to me about it."

 

I've seen how hiding the truth about one spouse's actions has negatively affected their children.

 

 

Please say that you have a personal lawyer in addition to the mediator. You need a lawyer. Please don't move out or sign anything without consulting a lawyer. 

 

A man that lies to his wife will lie to anyone.  No, do not be spiteful, but protect yourself and your children.  They deserve the truth and do not protect an adulterer that caused the end of your marriage.  

[Melinda in VT]

I don't know. He was unfaithful and it contributed to the break up of your marriage. I don't think a person has a right to keep that a secret. Especially when it comes to his kids, whose lives will be forever impacted by his decision. I don't think you should be telling them out of spite. But I don't think it's unfair to be honest either. "Your dad has been dating someone else since xx day and lied to me about it."

 

I've seen how hiding the truth about one spouse's actions has negatively affected their children.

You're making assumptions.

 

The OP and her husband have been talking about divorce for months, and I believe they decided before Christmas to divorce. It's entirely possible that this other person was not in the picture when the divorce decision was made.

 

I wouldn't say anything to the daughters at this point. I would start to Skype, etc., separately.

 

And I do see how this would be hurtful and shocking at first.

[applethyme]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Call me cynical but I'm pretty sure there is no such thing as an amicable divorce.  My aunt thought that hers was and bent over backwards to be "fair."  After the divorce was over and the papers were signed she found out he had been seeing other women for years and had hidden assets.  She was left just this side of poverty while he owns several rental properties, has two vacation homes and travels extensively. She thought she knew about their joint finances, what she didn't know was that he had been hiding money since almost the beginning of their 15 year marriage.

[maize]

Call me cynical, but I'm really getting a bad feeling about this "amicable" divorce. Please get yourself a lawyer. I can almost guarantee there are more secrets to be discovered, and he's playing you for a fool.

 

(And by the way, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but if the OP moves out and he stays in the house then isn't SHE the one who is considered to be abandoning the marriage and the joint property???)

This x1000

 

Don't play amicable, you need a lawyer who will play hard ball.

[Lawana]

My fear is that you are being played. That he started this relationship well before he asked for a divorce. That he is counting on you being nice and not rocking the boat in order to maximize the divorce settlement to his benefit. I hope I am wrong.

 

I think you just got a wake up call to stop playing it his way and start assertively looking out for your own interests.

[sbgrace]

:grouphug:  He was, almost certainly, in an affair emotionally and/or physically before he initiated the divorce.

You really do need a lawyer, and before you move out.

:grouphug:

I wouldn't tell the girls. I would tell him that it would be better for them to be told rather than figure it out suddenly like you did.

 

I'm really sorry for you. Someone having an affair is a reflection on them, not their spouse. Healthy people with good boundaries don't get involved with someone else while married.

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[JumpyTheFrog]

While I have no personal experience with anyone divorcing, I am also suspicious that he may have been cheating on you with the women before you decided to divorce.

[Guest]

I've only read the op.

 

My parents di orced when I was a young adult. Who they were or were not bedding was the very least of my issues around the divorce.

 

In short, I don't think it matters at all whether you tell them or not.

 

DO NOT ASK FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT FROM THEM but that's different than being like "dad is boning his bowling buddy and it makex me not want to see his dumb face. Can't wait to see YOUR pretty face next weekend though!"

[Lecka]

My gut instinct is not to tell them.

 

I think there are a lot of ways it could make you seem like you want them to take your side. 

 

No kids want that in a divorce. 

 

I am also not sure if they need to know.

 

There are plenty of things you can say that are truthful without revealing this information.  You could say you are having a hard time.  You don't need to share the exact details with your kids. 

 

Edit:  I do hope you will get your own lawyer if you haven't already, and make sure you get fair treatment in the divorce.  Do it for your kids, they may never forgive him if he takes advantage of you.  Don't let it happen.  It is what you need to do. 

 

I am so sorry about the cheating, too, and finding out from the text.

 

But I think you need to figure out your next step, like a lawyer, and leave your kids out of it.  You can just say you will have separate Skyping now, it doesn't have to be Some Huge Deal maybe?  Maybe you can just Skype on your own and he can Skype on his own, and you can begin having separate relationships with the kids. 

Edited March 2, 2016 by Lecka

[TranquilMind]

Call me cynical, but I'm really getting a bad feeling about this "amicable" divorce.  Please get yourself a lawyer.  I can almost guarantee there are more secrets to be discovered, and he's playing you for a fool.

 

(And by the way, someone correct me if I'm wrong, but if the OP moves out and he stays in the house then isn't SHE the one who is considered to be abandoning the marriage and the joint property???)

Agreed.  I would get all that moving stuff in writing.  It depends upon what jurisdiction though. 

 

Absolutely, she needs a pit bull attorney to represent her interests. 

[Barb_]

Don't you move. Tell him that in light of the circumstances he needs to move out and find himself a little lovenest and leave you in peace.

[Ellie]

Please forgive me my mind is racing right now ....

 

Some of you might remember that I am in the middle of a divorce right now. From the start is has been amicable. My husband initiated it, but I have come to terms with the fact that we both deserve to be happy and that we both would be better off divorced. We also wanted it to be amicable for the sake of our daughters, ages 19 and 21. So we are still living in the house together. I am moving out in about 2 weeks and he will stay there until it sells. We still visit the girls up at college together, Skype them together, etc. We have also spoken at length the them about how we are doing it this way because we still love each other, still respect each other, and also want what is best for the family going forward.

 

And then .... my bubble bursts. This morning my husband was in the shower and his alarm on his cell phone was going off. I went over to shut it off and when I did, texts popped up on the screen. One of them said "Good morning my darling! Good luck on your presentation today! XOXO"

 

I confronted my husband and turns out, yes he is sleeping with someone. According to him it has been going on since January and they have spent time at hotels, etc.

 

I am not jealous, just heartbroken that he would lie like that. I also am heartbroken that I have worked so hard to keep it together and civil during this whole process and he didn't have the moral fortitude to wait until we were at least legally separated.

 

We have been in touch with a mediator and are doing the paperwork to move the divorce forward but he has been in no rush to get things done. I have been the one pushing to move it along so we can get on with our lives.

 

I don't want to burden my daughters with anything unnecessary, but I am not sure how this will change the dynamic between me and my husband. Right now I don't even want to speak to him or look at him. How do I explain the change in our amicable-ness? We have been honest about this process all along -- do I inform them of this?

 

Sorry, like I said my mind is spinning.....

 

This is a game-changer. I will join the ranks of those telling you to get your own attorney, immediately if not sooner, and protect yourself. He does not still respect you, and I don't see how he could love you, either. Possibly I'm overly sensitive because I was once married to an adulterer. Perhaps not. But I don't think you should move out until you get your own attorney and otherwise protect yourself financially, and maybe not even then. In fact, since he initiated the divorce, it is he who should move out, for crying out loud.

 

And if you do change directions, your children will want to know why, and I see no reason to protect their father. 

 

[Okra]

I agree that you need to hire a divorce lawyer now.  You also need to start looking at your past banking history to see if there is anything unusual.

 

And, also, Hugs.  Sometimes life is awful.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: :grouphug:  

[Okra]

But I don't think you should move out until you get your own attorney and otherwise protect yourself financially, and maybe not even then. In fact, since he initiated the divorce, it is he who should move out, for crying out loud.

 

And if you do change directions, your children will want to know why, and I see no reason to protect their father. 

 

 

I agree.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I'm also cynical over the fact that you are moving out and... he's going to stay there until the house sells???  Or... he's going to move girlfriend into the house.  It wouldn't be the first time I've seen it play out that way... all under the guise of "amicable divorce".

 

This ^ was my first thought.  He's already proven himself a liar.  Don't assume he is being truthful now.

 

Don't you move. Tell him that in light of the circumstances he needs to move out and find himself a little lovenest and leave you in peace.

[LibraryLover]

Have you had any attorney advice at all?  Have you been relying on him to handle things? Who decided you would leave and he would stay?  I wouldn't do a single thing until you've got a lawyer. 

Edited March 2, 2016 by LibraryLover

[Ellie]

Do you have had any attorney advice at all?  Have you bee relying on him to handle things? Who decided you would leave and he would stay?  I wouldn't do a single thing until you've got a lawyer. 

 

:iagree:

 

Sadly, I have many friends who trusted their dhs to take care of them in the divorce, who lost everything. I can't think of any whose dhs turned out to be honorable and trustworthy. Not one.

[catz]

I would not just TELL them.  But at 19 and 21, if they came forward questioning why the tone in the house was changing or why you might be consulting lawyers, changing the proceedings, etc, I certainly wouldn't lie about it either.   Or I might direct them to ask their father.

Edited March 2, 2016 by WoolySocks

[Reefgazer]

Absolutely do not tell your daughters; it's your and DH's personal business.  Just explain any change in situation by saying that you and your DH are completing the separation process because you both need to move on.  And no way in hell would I be the one to move out; he should pack his bags.  If you move without formal legal agreement, some states will see that as spousal abandonment.

Edited March 2, 2016 by reefgazer

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I agree that he should be the one to move out of the house.  You don't want to be the deserter, and you need to hold on to the house until everything is settled (you have an agreement in writing, or the divorce is settled, or something that shows that you are invested in the marriage.

 

In your situation, I would just shift gears, and start playing hardball.  Tell your husband that you have changed your mind, and decided to stay in the house after all.  Get a lawyer.  Tell husband he needs to move out.  

 

With the girls, I would stay on the high ground, and refuse to badmouth their father. Don't give them any reason to have to choose sides.  That's not loving or fair to them.  If they ask, direct their questions to their father.  If he has any honor, he will make it clear that he is at fault, and that they should direct any anger toward him.  It's up to him to tell his story.  There is no way you can do it that won't tear them apart inside, since they love both of you.  

[Anne in CA]

I wouldn't tell them. I don't see why they need to know. She doesn't sound like a real "girlfriend", she sounds like a transition woman that he is using to meet his needs. He has sounded like a very "needy" guy in the past, always wanting more, wanting things to be perfect, he probably does intend to move this woman in when OP moves out, to clean the house, cook him food, keep him company, provide Tea. If he moves her into the house officially he will need to tell the girls, but that sort of sordid thing doesn't sound like something they need to know. I wouldn't want to know anyway.

[Guest]

See I REALLY resented all of a sudden (and ever since) being told that what was going on in my parents life wasn't my business or my problem. I knew it wasn't my PROBLEM, I wasn't four sitting there thinking daddy doesn't love mommy because I'm a bad girl.

 

But its my family! The year before wed all lived together and knew all the big things going on with each other. All of a sudden their whole lives, basically, are "none of my business." Pfffft

 

I get, totally, why ppl say you don't need to tell them. You certainly don't ~need~ to. Personality needs to be taken into account. So do existing relationship dynamics.

 

In any case my heartfelt advice is not to go out of your way one way or the other.

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[Ali in OR]

I have no opinion on whether or not you tell the girls, but strongly agree that you need some legal advice before moving out--that doesn't seem like a wise move. My friend has been divorced over a year, living in an apartment while her dh is still in the house he was supposed to sell and split proceeds with her. Then he was going to buy her out--none of that is happening (though his income far exceeds hers) and she is back to discussions with her lawyer. I think your soon-to-be ex should be the one moving out.

[Barb_]

Yeah, I think you should tell them too. It was my gut reaction but I couldn't justify it, so I didn't post. But others have spoken the truth, especially okbud and Katy. If it had been me in the daughters' position I would have appreciated some matter of fact honesty. And if I were the wife in question, I would want my adult offspring to be in the loop. I think they deserve that.

[Joker]

I would probably tell, especially since they're older. I feel the relationship would come out anyway and then they would know I knew but didn't tell them. We're not big on secrets here, though, and your family may be different.