Vent - cancer, lack of information

[Farrar]

I just need to vent. I am still so riled up.

 

My father is likely dying of cancer. The news isn't good. At least, the news step-mom will let out. She's so upbeat and positive despite everything that it's maddening. How can it be a "better day" when he's in the wrong ICU, strapped down, and doesn't know anyone. How can that be?!?

 

I just need to put out there to the universe, she does not get to own all the grief over this. She doesn't get to own all the pain. She doesn't get to tell me not to worry when it's obviously worry worthy. She doesn't get to tell me I overstepped. I can't overstep. I'm his freaking daughter. I get that she's in pain and freaking out but she also doesn't get to bring up other family members of mine (not hers) who died of cancer and tell me it's not like that. Guess what, step-mom, from what little you're willing to say, it sounds much worse.

 

Also, if she calls me "missy" one more time, I swear that I won't be responsible for what I do to her.

 

Oh, and if he dies before I get down there after she repeatedly has discouraged me from coming and told me that it's fine, I'll never forgive her. Never.

 

UPDATE: He passed away this evening. I had come home because he was was stable but it turned out one of his last real interactions was with me before I left. I was planning to go back tonight but now I'm going to wait for the funeral. Basically I keep going in circles- I literally went in a circle on 85 and I went to the airport and am now going home. Sigh. I'm frustrated that step mom and my dad made almost no funeral plans, but I don't have it in me to be bitter or anything.

 

Thanks for the support and kind words, everyone.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Farrar

[Catwoman]

I'm so, so sorry. :crying:

 

Can you go to see your father right away and speak with his doctors?

 

I hope you can find a way around your stepmom so you can get some info about your father. It makes me livid just reading about the way she is treating you. You must be so angry. :grouphug:

Edited December 8, 2015 by Catwoman

[happi duck]

So sorry

(Hugs)

[Tsuga]

I just need to vent. I am still so riled up.

 

My father is likely dying of cancer. The news isn't good. At least, the news step-mom will let out. She's so upbeat and positive despite everything that it's maddening. How can it be a "better day" when he's in the wrong ICU, strapped down, and doesn't know anyone. How can that be?!?

 

I just need to put out there to the universe, she does not get to own all the grief over this. She doesn't get to own all the pain. She doesn't get to tell me not to worry when it's obviously worry worthy. She doesn't get to tell me I overstepped. I can't overstep. I'm his freaking daughter. I get that she's in pain and freaking out but she also doesn't get to bring up other family members of mine (not hers) who died of cancer and tell me it's not like that. Guess what, step-mom, from what little you're willing to say, it sounds much worse.

 

Also, if she calls me "missy" one more time, I swear that I won't be responsible for what I do to her.

 

Oh, and if he dies before I get down there after she repeatedly has discouraged me from coming and told me that it's fine, I'll never forgive her. Never.

 

I am so, so sorry that your father is going through this, and I am so very sorry that your stepmother is acting this way.

 

You are right. She has absolutely no right to treat you that way.

 

I hope you can get in touch with your dad.

 

I can't BELIEVE she calls you missy. I wouldn't dream of calling a step-kid anything like that and you have every right to want to throw something heavy at her head. (Don't do that, but you have every reason to want to at times.)

Edited December 8, 2015 by Tsuga

[OneStepAtATime]

Goodness, that stinks! I am so sorry about your dad and the double whammy with your step mom. Huge hugs of support.

[Starr]

Just go visit now. You'll be glad to see him. He'll be glad to see you.  :grouphug: You might get called more than Missy but it's still worth it. Your sense that he's quite ill means you need to go. This is very close to home for me. Arrive in the night and go visit him while he's alone.

Edited December 8, 2015 by Starr

[umsami]

Liking for a :grouphug:
 

Just go.  Go be with your Dad.  As soon as you can.   Ignore your StepMom as much as you can and spend the time you need to with your Dad.

 

Missy is beyond annoying.  Probably best not to respond, as tempting as it is.  But feel free to write a bunch of responses here.... :)

 

Prayers for you and your Dad.  May it become easier for you both.

 

 

Edited December 8, 2015 by umsami

[Farrar]

It's an 11 hour drive. I thought about going today and just taking the car and doing it, but my Mom (who has a lot of experience with cancer in a personal and professional capacity) said to keep my original plan of going next week. I already have a plane ticket.

 

I'm coming down. My brother will be there in a couple of days. He also has a bit of rose colored glasses on, I think, but I know he'll listen to our mom.

 

I'm just mourning that my mother isn't in charge of this. She gives clear, blunt information. She never says, don't worry, just have faith in God, or any other useless nonsense. She was in charge of patient education and family counseling in a cancer center for many years so she knows what's what. I've been through three family member cancers and she's always been the primary family caregiver and point person. But obviously, she isn't now.

 

Not only did step mom call me "missy" but she hung up on me right afterward. Gah.

[umsami]

In reading she hung up on you, I uttered something inappropriate. 

 

You're much nicer than I am.

 

Glad you have a sane Mom.  Hopefully your brother will be able to communicate a tad bit better than your stepmom.

[Guest]

:grouphug:

[Pawz4me]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[creekland]

Wow - just wow (hanging up on you too???).  I wish I could change things.  I can send  :grouphug: .  I hope things go ok with seeing your dad.  If you opt to go sooner, can you get a refund or credit for your ticket to use it another time?

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'm so sorry .

Edited December 8, 2015 by joyofsix

[ThisIsTheDay]

As you're planning to go down next week, is it possible to speak to anyone on his medical team before that to see if you should drive down earlier?  Or do you have any friends local to him who could visit and possibly gauge his situation?

 

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with your stepmom while your dad is at this point.  Are you able to speak to your father?  Does he know you're coming next week and that you can come down earlier?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[nevergiveup]

I'm so sorry for your pain.

But your step mother is in pain, too.

She is with the man she loves who is dying.

One never knows how they will act when they are faced with death.

Perhaps she is trying to spare you that pain.

 

[MEmama]

I'm so sorry yo are going through this, Farrar. ((Hugs))

 

I just found out my mom has been admitted to the hospital for heart issues. She has survived 3 heart attacks, but may have had another a few nights ago. No one will tell me they are worried, and I hear about things days after they happen. I'm 3000 miles away so I can't exactly rush over to be with her. It's an utterly helpless feeling to have concerns dismissed. My dad didn't even mention it to me yesterday, and my brother reported last night he's feeling "chipper". Seriously?! I'm worried to death. But when I express it--and we've been down this road before--they act like I'm being childish. Gah!!! Thank you for your words: They don't get to own the grief.

 

Keeping you in my thoughts. It's good you'll be able to get down to see him soon. Is there any way to change the tickets for an earlier date?

[applethyme]

:grouphug:

[madteaparty]

This is awful. I would find it impossible to contain myself. Overstepped? Wtf? No words.

[Annie G]

:grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

I hope your brother can provide good information to you. My FILs wife tried very hard to keep dh's sisters from seeing FIL when he entered the hospital after the massive stroke that led to his death. 

 

:grouphug:

[carriede]

See if you can call the nurses station and speak with one of them. When my dad was in ICU, they gave me their number and said I could call and ask whatever I wanted.

 

Granted, a nurse told me that in person, and it's possible that my mom gave them the go ahead before they offered... but it's worth a try, right?

[Minerva]

:grouphug:

 

Cancer is the worst and adding an insensitive step mother to the mix is the pits.

[JFSinIL]

As you're planning to go down next week, is it possible to speak to anyone on his medical team before that to see if you should drive down earlier?  Or do you have any friends local to him who could visit and possibly gauge his situation?

 

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with your stepmom while your dad is at this point.  Are you able to speak to your father?  Does he know you're coming next week and that you can come down earlier?

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

This.  Sorry for all you and your father is going through.  Both my in-laws passed before family members who lived out of state could get there in time (one, colon cancer, the other, congestive heart failure).  I had to make a few of the phone calls to let my sister and brother in laws know their parent had died, also my MIL's sister that her sibling was gone (hubby was rushing to the nursing home/hospital depending which parent it was).Next week might be too late - do try and contact the doctor to ask if you should drive down sooner. 

 

It sounds, too, as if the step mother is in denial. She is about to lose her spouse.  Admitting you need to come sooner, etc., makes it all the more real for her.

Edited December 9, 2015 by JFSinIL

[Luckymama]

I just have no words. So sorry on many levels :grouphug:

[kewb]

I am sorry. I also totally get where you are coming from with the step mom. When my father was dying it felt like my sister and I were only there to pay the bills while the grief off between his companion and my aunt took center stage. No one asked how we were doing or seemed to care. 7 years later and I am still a bit peeved when I allow myself to think about it.

[Amira]

:grouphug:

[G5052]

Yes, that's hard. My mom (not stepmom) was an utter terror when my dad was dying. Multiple times I felt like just outright quitting my job and temporarily moving there because she neglected him and wouldn't tell me what was going on. And my sibling was no better. They had more information than I did and didn't see any reason to communicate.

 

Thankfully I have an aunt there (her sister) that got involved to some extent and kept me in the loop, but I still didn't get there in time. You can't predict these things.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

Edited December 8, 2015 by G5052

[Miss Tick]

Sorry to hear you and your father both have struggles. Sorry that yours are compounded by crazy.

[Valley Girl]

I'm so sorry, Farrar. I'd be furious on top of worried sick, too. That is so unfair. I'm sorry that in her pain she is allowing herself to be so selfish and shut you out when your dad needs you, when you need him, and when, quite honestly, she probably needs you, too. You don't deserve the added stress and worry of not knowing what's happening. I hope you can get some information independently. Other posters had some good suggestions...wish I could add to them.

[Seasider]

Just go visit now. You'll be glad to see him. He'll be glad to see you. :grouphug: You might get called more than Missy but it's still worth it. Your sense that he's quite ill means you need to go. This is very close to home for me. Arrive in the night and go visit him while he's alone.

This.

 

So sorry for your difficult circumstances. But don't let her stop you. Visit him and establish your own relationship with his care staff. Based on my experience, nurses are pretty sharp about distinguishing family dynamics in these sort of situations.

[Halftime Hope]

_{Sending hugs, Farrar.  I'm so sorry. I second the "call the doctor" thought.  You can get to him through the nurses' station if you don't know his name.}

[Kalypso]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Spryte]

Oh, what a rotten situation.  I'm so sorry.  That sounds maddening.  

 

If you need to go earlier than next week, for your peace of mind ... just go.  

 

Once you're there, hopefully you'll be able to establish a relationship with the docs or nurses, and you'll be able to talk to them (or call) directly to get info.

 

Thinking of you, and sending strength.

[bettyandbob]

If your ds is done his performances, I'd cancel the flight, pack the boys and go. (I'm pretty scarred by what happened to dh and his sisters).

11 hours south? Does that put you in Florida? I'd go and build in some fun outdoor time for the boys.

 

If performances aren't done I think you have to wait and leave the second you can.

[ScoutTN]

Oh, Farrar, I am so sorry, for all of it!

Cancer sucks.

Ignore the step mom as much as you can and do what you need to and want to.

I hope you get some time with your dad! Glad you have your mom and her wisdom and experience.

Again, I am so sorry. I lost my dad to cancer 18 years ago.

[Farrar]

Thanks, guys. I'm driving down today after all. :(

 

If you're the praying sort, you can say a prayer for us. Or send good juju. Or just good thoughts. I always use Quakerspeak in these situations - they say holding you in the light. I'm holding him in the light and all of us.

[lllll]

:grouphug:  

Edited December 30, 2015 by w11

[Spryte]

Holding you in the light, Farrar.  Safe travels.

 

You've made the right choice.  Know that.  It will be good to be with your Dad.

[Eagle]

:grouphug:

 

Thinking of you and your family. I am glad to hear you are going today. Safe travels.

 

:grouphug:

[goldberry]

Holding you in the light  (I really like that!) ....   :grouphug:

[Luckymama]

Farrar, I would drive now too. I wish I had had just one more talk with my dad.

 

:grouphug:

[FaithManor]

I feel your pain so much. My dad has stage four non-small cell adenocarcinoma that has metastisized to the brain. He is 72 and in very poor shape. His prognosis is that WITH chemo he has at best 1 year. Yet my mom acts like everything is hunky dorry and he's just going to be cured by the chemo and he's going to do this juice fast thing which is going to starve the chemo (no, but since he's lost 45 lbs that he didn't have to lose to begin with I'm pretty certain it will starve him to death by default so in that sense I suppose one could claim it starved the cancer, sigh...), and they won't make any end of life plans leaving my brother and I "holding the bag" so to speak.

 

And he has legal problems. After the cancer went to the brain, he went crazy, decided to kill my mom , and then commit suicide. He was so out of it he couldn't plan anything effective so thankfully, all she got out of the encounter was a broken ankle, but they still want to prosecute him even though it is proven it was the brain cancer that caused him to act that way. So, he still faces jail as a profoundly sick man, but she talks like he's getting cured and they are just going on with their retirement, traveling, camping, visiting relatives....she is in so much denial it staggers - even the doctors are very, very worried about how unrealistic she is. On top of which, she controls the flow of information so now that she has figured out that I do subscribe to the unicorn farting rainbows theory of cancer cures, she has shut down and doesn't want to tell me what his oncologist says or anything else, and when I take them to his doctors' appointments, I get kicked out of the room as punishment for being realistic.

 

I am right there with you. And cancer is just evil, 100% villainous evil in cellular form.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug: Praying for you.

Edited December 8, 2015 by FaithManor

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Starr]

It's an 11 hour drive. I thought about going today and just taking the car and doing it, but my Mom (who has a lot of experience with cancer in a personal and professional capacity) said to keep my original plan of going next week. I already have a plane ticket.

 

I'm coming down. My brother will be there in a couple of days. He also has a bit of rose colored glasses on, I think, but I know he'll listen to our mom.

 

I'm just mourning that my mother isn't in charge of this. She gives clear, blunt information. She never says, don't worry, just have faith in God, or any other useless nonsense. She was in charge of patient education and family counseling in a cancer center for many years so she knows what's what. I've been through three family member cancers and she's always been the primary family caregiver and point person. But obviously, she isn't now.

 

Not only did step mom call me "missy" but she hung up on me right afterward. Gah.

 

I know how you feel. It's awful. My new sil, of my db with brain cancer, called me words I can't even print here. And shocked my college kids. So wrong. There is so much room for honesty and all the loved ones.

[prairiewindmomma]

Safe travels & prayers that you can get some time to really talk with your dad.

[J-rap]

I hope you can get there soon.  Doctors should be able to talk to you, as his next of kin, and discuss what's really going on.

 

I'm so sorry. 

[MEmama]

Definitely have you and your dad in my thoughts, Farrar.

[Plink]

Travel safe.

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug: