Would you feel insulted?

[Mommy22alyns]

ODD is a competitive gymnast, and her training group is very small.  When they competed last fall, there were only 6 girls in her group.  Now there are only 4, including her.

 

One of the other moms saw DD at the gymnastics banquet and called her Rachel.  She didn't even know my kid's name.  We make it a point to at least know all the girls in the training group by name, and we cheer for all of them at every meet.

 

This same mom has slighted ODD in the past, so this just adds on to it.

 

I don't expect everyone to be perfect or anything, but seriously.  You can't remember the names of 3 other girls?

 

I should also add that our girls spend around 20 hours in the gym together every week.

[regentrude]

No. You are right, it is not hard (for most people) to know a few other kids' names - but, to me, no doing so does not rise to the level of insult.

[retiredHSmom]

I wouldn't be insulted based on the not knowing her name alone.

 

One of my daughters is horrible at knowing other peoples names.  She is very visual and names just aren't that important to her, she knows who she is talking about.

 

This last year at or co-op my teaching assistant was named Cindy.  I cannot explain why but she simply didn't look like a Cindy to me.  I had the hardest time not calling her Sherry all year. 

 

Finally Rachel and Rebecca are very similar names (at least in my obviously strange and visual mind, I guess I don't have to wonder where my daughter gets it from) so mixing them up would be quite easy.

 

 

[Catherine]

I am most definitely one of those clueless people who often forgets names in similar situations, so I hope it is not an insult.  My excuse is just that I have a very busy life and a lot on my mind, but in fact probably no busier than anyone else.  I'm just plain BAD at remembering names.  So please don't take it personally IF that is the only issue.  However, you said she slighted your daughter before-in what way?  

[Ausmumof3]

I would presume she was really bad with names...

[Lawana]

The names Rachel and Rebecca are very frequently mixed up and exchanged, occupying the same brain space in a lot of people, as you may have experienced. I would not think that this person does not know your dd's name, but rather the Rachel/Rebecca space got triggered and the wrong one popped out.

[purpleowl]

My guess is that you are more offended by this because of the history (you said she's slighted your daughter previously, though you didn't explain how).  If someone else had been the one to accidentally use the wrong Old Testament name that starts with R, would it feel as hurtful?

 

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like that, because I have plenty of moments where my brain seems to fall asleep on the job. ;)  I know it can be harder when it's someone you already think doesn't like your daughter, but this could very well simply be a mistake and not an intentional slight.

[kirstenhill]

I think some people just often confuse similar names. My husband does stuff like this all the time (call someone a different name with the same letter, or a different name that sounds similar). My name is a bit hard to pronounce correctly, and even people I have known for a long time will slip and use a more common or easy to pronounce K name instead of the correct name on occasion.

[J-rap]

Surprised maybe, but not insulted.  I know someone like that.  He's a really great person with a very sharp mind -- just has so much trouble with names.

[TracyP]

In general I would say no. I have been at a tiny church for 4 years and still have people call me Stacy. The names are close, some people aren't good with names, whatever.

 

In this case I would be insulted. Her name is announced at meets, your daughters are spending a huge amount of time together, her name must come up at conversations at home... :confused:  Right or wrong, I don't know. But yeah, I would be insulted.

[marbel]

No, I would not feel insulted.

 

I used to know an Autumn, and I frequently called her Amber.  Worse, sometimes when speaking to my own relative Ethan, the name Ian comes out of my mouth.

 

It does sound like you have other problems with this woman.  Don't let the name thing make it worse.

 

 

[Mommy22alyns]

My guess is that you are more offended by this because of the history (you said she's slighted your daughter previously, though you didn't explain how).  If someone else had been the one to accidentally use the wrong Old Testament name that starts with R, would it feel as hurtful?

 

I try to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like that, because I have plenty of moments where my brain seems to fall asleep on the job. ;)  I know it can be harder when it's someone you already think doesn't like your daughter, but this could very well simply be a mistake and not an intentional slight.

 

 

If it was another girl in her training group at the gym, yes, I would still be hurt.

 

We're probably extra sensitive because none of us feel liked or accepted at the gym.  We've been there for 3 competition seasons.  I'm also hurt because we always, always cheer enthusiastically for the other girls in her group, but I don't feel like anyone else in the group cares a bit about us, and on top of that, they can't remember her name?

[Butter]

A lot of people call me Heidi instead of Heather.  Apparently I just look like a Heidi.  It's been many people all my life in multiple states.  Names get mixed up.  Nothing to be offended by.

[PeachyDoodle]

I would probably just think she's really dumb. :tongue_smilie:

 

You're right -- it shouldn't be that hard to remember the name of a person you see that often in a group that small. But I'd see it as a reflection of her, and nothing whatsoever to do with my dd.

 

Some people just really have a hard time with details. DH is like this. DD too. I'm always getting on to them about knowing others' names. The have lots of other great qualities, though!

[Angie in VA]

Not counting the dissing of your dd, just addressing the name situation: Is it possible the woman is menopausal?  :o

[Aiden]

If it was another girl in her training group at the gym, yes, I would still be hurt.

 

We're probably extra sensitive because none of us feel liked or accepted at the gym.  We've been there for 3 competition seasons.  I'm also hurt because we always, always cheer enthusiastically for the other girls in her group, but I don't feel like anyone else in the group cares a bit about us, and on top of that, they can't remember her name?

 

I assume you're still at the gym because it's the best one available to you. You're there for the coaches and/or facilities, and it would be great if you also clicked with the other families, but apparently you don't. If you've put in effort to be friendly and supportive to them for 3 seasons (years?), and you're feeling resentful because they aren't responding, then you need to make a choice. Either continue what you're doing because that's who you are, or stop putting forth the effort to support those who do not support you. Whatever you decide, you need to stop expecting anything from these people. Your expectations will continue to go unmet, and you will continue to struggle with resentment and anger toward them.

 

I'm sorry you don't feel liked or accepted at a place where you spend so much time and invest so much energy. It's hard, and it stinks that they've chosen not to reciprocate. But you'll drive yourself crazy if you keep doing things with the expectation that one of these days they'll respond.

 

(I am assuming that your read on the situation is correct--it's also possible that they're reaching out in ways that you aren't seeing or feeling for one reason or another, and that they sit around chatting about why *you* don't seem to like *them*.)

[Mommy22alyns]

I assume you're still at the gym because it's the best one available to you. You're there for the coaches and/or facilities, and it would be great if you also clicked with the other families, but apparently you don't. If you've put in effort to be friendly and supportive to them for 3 seasons (years?), and you're feeling resentful because they aren't responding, then you need to make a choice. Either continue what you're doing because that's who you are, or stop putting forth the effort to support those who do not support you. Whatever you decide, you need to stop expecting anything from these people. Your expectations will continue to go unmet, and you will continue to struggle with resentment and anger toward them.

 

I'm sorry you don't feel liked or accepted at a place where you spend so much time and invest so much energy. It's hard, and it stinks that they've chosen not to reciprocate. But you'll drive yourself crazy if you keep doing things with the expectation that one of these days they'll respond.

 

(I am assuming that your read on the situation is correct--it's also possible that they're reaching out in ways that you aren't seeing or feeling for one reason or another, and that they sit around chatting about why *you* don't seem to like *them*.)

 

 

It's the only one available to us, unfortunately.  We drive 40 minutes and any other gym would be over an hour.  It's already a huge challenge.  Rebecca eats, sleeps, and breathes gymnastics and it would be flat-out devastating to her to quit.

[MysteryJen]

Well, I would be hurt. That is a very, very small training group. Our swim team moms try very hard to learn all the kids names and parents' names. It's a team.

My Dh is not great with names, but he says that to people. "I'm sorry, I am terrible with names. Who is your child again?" Can go a long way to easing any hurt feelings.

[zoobie]

How did she respond when corrected? That would decide it for me. I'm terrible with names and mix up the kids on DS's baseball team all the time. I even know the right kid's name and the wrong one pops out of my mouth. I'm always apologetic though. There's another mom who has me and my youngest DD's names permanently scrambled, so that makes me feel better.

 

If it was done on purpose (yes, there are THOSE people), or in a whatever her name is irrelevant to me because she is but a speck on my Special Snowflake's leotard, then yes, I'd be miffed.

[FriedClams]

It takes a lot to insult me. This isn't close.

 

My neighbor has butchered my daughter's name for....11 years. He cannot remember it. He's known her since she was 3. We've been the only kid neighbors for YEARS. He makes an effort, and uses variations (not a nickname thing, just wrong). Think Becky for Beth. We think it's HYSTERICAL. DD just laughs about it. I'd let it go. No harm no foul.

[Haiku]

I'm one of those people who opens my mouth to talk to someone and their name flies right out of my head. I frequently forget the names of both moms and kids in our homeschool group. It happens. It's not a reflection on you. Maybe the woman was just thinking or talking about her niece named Rachel or something. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

 

I spent 2/3 of this past hockey season mixing up the names of two boys on my son's team. I don't know why. I just did. Their dads just corrected me each time and we moved on.

 

Btw, all of my kids have names that other people find difficult to pronounce. They are not weird names, they just aren't pronounced how people expect them to be because they are all from other cultures. We have people who have known our kids for years who still mispronounce their names. Oh well. Who cares?

[Annie G]

It might be an innocent mistake. Or it might not be. It can be a passive aggressive tactic to call people the wrong thing, whether it's changing it slightly (Changing Diane to Diana), giving a nickname (Calling a Catherine a Katie) , or totally using a wrong name.  It can send a message that the person isn't important enough for me to remember her name.  (Not really me- I don't do that)

 

The tough part is that I'm awful with names so it's hard to tell whether it's intentional or not.  

[gardenmom5]

there are people I've known for YEARS who mix up my name with 1dd's - and it started when she was young and standing next to me.  but, our names start with the same first letter and have a similar end sound.   I just roll my eyes and give a gentle correction.  no offense taken.

[Guest]

Most of my friends and acquaintances have 3-6 kids, just like us. Remembering the names of each family, even if I'm very chummy with the mom, is tough. I know all my closest friends and their babies, especially as I've been around when they were born, but the slightly less intimate friends at dance, piano, swimming, or co op? I'm lucky if I can remember the HUSBAND'S name, let alone the kids.

 

I wouldn't be insulted at all.

[Word Nerd]

I couldn't really vote for either option. I understand why you would feel slighted in that situation and wouldn't think "who cares?"—but I wouldn't assume it was an insult either. She may be bad with names. 

[bodiesmom]

 

If it was done on purpose (yes, there are THOSE people),

 

 

This made me laugh. My MIL "mistakenly" called me by my dh's former girlfriend's name all.the.time. for YEARS. I've met said former girlfriend and she is a lovely lady with a lovely name. So I named my dd after her. 😎 MIL has "remembered" my name ever since.

 

OP- I'm sorry you are upset. It sounds like there is more going on with this particular mom. Try not to give her anymore headspace. ((Hugs)).

[creekland]

I can't fathom being insulted by something like that.

 

I mess up names a bit and others have messed up my name a bit.  So what?

 

It literally NEVER occurred to me that anyone could get upset at such a thing.

 

One other thought came to mind reading your second post.  If you've been there for three years and still don't feel included, it could be time to find someone who's willing to give you an honest assessment of how you present yourself to others.  What's up with the connections not being made?  It could be them, of course, if they are especially closed to "outsiders," but I'd be wondering about myself too.  If common things like messing up a name are issues, they may be uncomfortable about the potential for making other mistakes and prefer to keep their distance instead.

 

There are VERY few people I don't get along with, but for those few, I'll admit to preferring avoidance.  It's totally a personality deal each time.  Usually it's because I (and my family) prefer joking around about loads of things (nothing off color) and they don't.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Nope.  We all have brain blips.  For some reason I keep wanting to call another friend of mine Tammy.  Her name is Julie.  I don't know why she looks like a Julie to my brain!  

[SproutMamaK]

I'm one of those people who can't remember the names of everyone's kids, so no, I wouldn't be insulted by it, especially since it means she was engaging in conversation with you about the kids in the first place.

[Mommy22alyns]

Thanks for all your responses.  

[Annie G]

Anywho, taking insult is a choice. I had the situation of the soft jibe, where my son's name was deliberately spellled wrong and some other info was altered. That adult was seperated from the group, as his actions and his mouth showed that his goal was to advance his chi I d's interests at the expense of otner children. I did not take offense, but I did join the crowd at the leaders meeting indicating that he was not to be trusted around children. To that man, his actions were an ordinary business tactic....he didnt realize tnat attacking children was off limits in this group.

 

Taking insult is a choice.  That's such a wise statement.  Whether something is intended as an insult or not, having the power to NOT take insult is so healthy.  Thanks for reminding me of that today- my father just called with some 'news' and I can certainly put this advice into practice.  You just turned my week around with that little nudge to remind me that it's my choice whether to let things bother me or not. 

[maize]

Some people are just awful with names--I am one of them!

 

I call my own kids by the wrong names all.the.time.

 

Runs in my family. My grandpa was infamous for calling people by the wrong names--he once called my dad by the dog's name! In our case at least it has nothing to do with not knowing the name or caring about the person--it seems to be some weird brain glitch that misfires on a regular basis when labeling people.

[momacacia]

I kinda get this. I don't have much contact with this friends daughter who is in college but I've met her and I insist on calling her Heather when her name is Mary (names changed). I mean, they're not even close! I also get Melissa and Michelle confused. Sigh.

[HomeschoolingHearts&Minds]

My own Grandma used to call me Sharon (my name is Susan).  She only had 2 grandchildren.  It was not because she didn't know my name, it was because I reminded her of her niece, Sharon. 

 

We just came back from a trip visiting with my husband's grandmother and aunt---they both kept calling our youngest by our oldest daughter's name.  Again, it was not that they don't know our little one's name, it was that she reminded them so much of her older sister when she was the same age. 

 

All that to say---I would not assume that the mother in question does not know your daughter's name.  It may have been a brain or tongue slip.  It happens.  I would gently correct and move on, even if it happens repeatedly (my Grandma me Sharon more often than she called me Susan, lol).

[KrissiK]

I wouldn't feel insulted, but I would probably be more like..."What I wrong with you? It's not hard to remember a few kids' names." But it wouldn't make me mad or hurt my feelings.

[laundrycrisis]

I am absolutely terrible with putting names and faces together.  Horrible.  I forget names I've known for years, just out of the blue, and often don't recognize people I have known for a long time and spent time with, even good friends, if I see them at a place and time when I was not expecting to see them.  I can't help any of this.  It just happens.  It is not in any way personal.  

 

IMO it would be best to assume no ill will and nothing personal - just a mom who isn't great with faces and names. 

 

It would also be really rude to make a comment about her not remembering.  IMO people don't forget names on purpose, and it is not at all nice to give someone a hard time about something they can't help. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm lousy with names.  It's not because I don't care or pay attention.  I just don't remember names.  I can read a 1000 page book with one main character and be unable to tell you the name of the main character.

 

Either way, that doesn't strike me as a reason to be insulted. 

 

People call me by my kids' names.  They remember their names, but not mine.  I'm not insulted.  I find it kinda funny, but yeah.

 

 

[Farrar]

Not by that alone. Ds only has a few other boys in his ballet. It's taken me two full years to get them all straight and remember most of their names.

 

But if I felt like the other moms were rude to ds or like we didn't fit in at his studio and it was uncomfortable, I think I'd be... maybe insulted is a strong word, but I'd be more annoyed. Since you can't change gyms, I hope you find a way to fit in better or feel more at home there.

[Professormom]

A lot of people call me Heidi instead of Heather. Apparently I just look like a Heidi. It's been many people all my life in multiple states. Names get mixed up. Nothing to be offended by.

No help for the OP, but this happens to me all the time too... And my Heidi friends are often mistakenly called Heather:-)

[SKL]

Since I am terrible at remembering names, I vote not insulting.  :)

 

Also, they might be involved in lots of other things and deal with hundreds of other people each week.  Her brain might be fried.  She might have had a migraine or cramps.  You should have seen how stupid I was on Saturday just because of physical stuff I could not control.  :P

 

At least she tried.

[KungFuPanda]

I get my children's names wrong. Sometimes the dog's name is tossed in the mix. I have stared in the face of friends I've known for a decade and blanked on their name, or called them their child's name, or the name of another friend. I'm not proud of it, but I certainly don't do it to insult people.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I get my children's names wrong. Sometimes the dog's name is tossed in the mix. I have stared in the face of friends I've known for a decade and blanked on their name, or called them their child's name, or the name of another friend. I'm not proud of it, but I certainly don't do it to insult people.

 

Yep, I have called my kids Mittens or Kitty.  LOL 

[sassenach]

My ds's baseball team had a Jeremy, a Jason and a Jonathan this year. I know these kids. I know their names. However, in the moment, the wrong name would often pop out of my mouth.

[CAMom]

I get my children's names wrong. Sometimes the dog's name is tossed in the mix. I have stared in the face of friends I've known for a decade and blanked on their name, or called them their child's name, or the name of another friend. I'm not proud of it, but I certainly don't do it to insult people.

 

I call my youngest by my oldest's name all the time. He is like a little clone of his big brother and I do it frequently. 

 

My grandma used to call me by my mom's name all the time and she and I were super close.

 

My name is butchered every time I turn around. My dd is called Brianna by everyone but her name is Brenna. 

 

I heard something last week that really hit home for me: We judge others by their behavior but we judge ourselves by our intentions. Really gave me some perspective and encouraged me to look beyond behavior. I know I almost never have the intention to offend someone or be rude or hurt someone's feelings, etc. But, I am often quick to assume that someone else is insulting me. :)

[SKL]

I know it's important to remember people's names, and I actually try really hard to do it.  I still suck at it.  (I do apologize and let people know that it's my weakness and I would do better if I could.)

 

Also, my kids' names are mixed up all the time.  I mean all.the.time.  One year their school teacher didn't even know which one was the younger and which was the older.  Most of their coaches mix them up after years of working with them.  Other kids just call them both by one amalgamated name.  Other parents don't even bother.  :P

 

My kids will politely correct adults who mix up their names.  Apparently they feel better being called by their actual names.  :P  Which happens some of the time at home ....

[Lolly]

No, because I do it all the time myself. It seems like my brain and  my tongue just aren't wired together when it comes to names. I call my kids the wrong names. I call them the dog's name sometimes. My dd's roommate is named Amber. I consistently call her Heather. I have no idea why. I can even stop and think, "Hey, I always call this kid the wrong name..Her name is Amber."...And still when I open my mouth I say Heather. Kids on small group at swim team, I can be cheering for one knowing full well what their name is and what events they are best at. Yet, the wrong name will pop out of my mouth even though my brain has fed it the correct name. I call Dh the wrong name occassionally... So, no I definitely wouldn't take it personally.

 

Seriously, there has to be a wiring problem in the brain that is causing this!

[Butter]

I'm one who consistently mixes up my own kids' names.  The little two are Fritz and Adrian.  It's been almost 7 years since the youngest was born, so you'd think I'd get it right.  Plus I named them and all.  But he still gets called Fr-Adrian more often than not.  Our taekwondo instructor is incredible with names but he mixes up Fritz and Adrian a lot and when he heard me call Adrian Fr-Adrian one day he said he felt a whole lot better lol

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am absolutely terrible with putting names and faces together.  Horrible.  I forget names I've known for years, just out of the blue, and often don't recognize people I have known for a long time and spent time with, even good friends, if I see them at a place and time when I was not expecting to see them.  I can't help any of this.  It just happens.  It is not in any way personal.  

 

IMO it would be best to assume no ill will and nothing personal - just a mom who isn't great with faces and names. 

 

It would also be really rude to make a comment about her not remembering.  IMO people don't forget names on purpose, and it is not at all nice to give someone a hard time about something they can't help. 

I ran into ds' Taekwando instructor once at the grocery store.  He said "Will I see you tonight?"  (there was a dojo bbq that night).  I totally blanked, then the penny dropped.  I blurted out "Oh, I didn't recognize you without your robe on!"  Ds was just mortified.  A lot of people in the store gave me really strange looks at me meeting a man later in the night who I didn't recognize without a robe!  (And yes, I know his gi is not a robe.  It was a stressful situation, ok? :laugh: )  We had a good laugh about it.

 

In fact I think that is the best attitude to have in life.  Don't waste time getting insulted by things.  Instead, have a good laugh.  

[Mergath]

I mix up names all the time, or more commonly, blank out on them completely. My temporal lobe is wonky, so I blame that. :P I would feel terrible if someone took it as an insult when I can't remember their name. 

[AmandaVT]

I wouldn't be insulted for the name thing alone - I'm terrible at remembering names, though I do try really hard. I have to chant them to myself for a long time after I meet someone, use the name as much as possible when speaking to the person and I still forget sometimes. And, my neighbor, after 9 years of living across from us, still calls me Amber instead of Amanda constantly. 

 

However, gym moms can be notoriously horrible to each other and to other gymnasts in the group. Is your DD one of the better gymnasts in her level? I was regularly appalled at some of the things parents would say to me about gymnasts and their families - especially the ones that were the best in the group. Or the worst for that matter - the ones in the middle of the pack were spared a bit, but gym moms can be nasty creatures. I would see them cheering to themselves at meets when teammates of their child fell or stumbled, nothing loud or obvious, but I'd catch it if I were looking. Claims of favoritism were rampant and snarky comments too. We did our best to manage the worst offenders, but it's tough. I feel your pain!!