Reflections Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I miscarried on Friday. I had been on bedrest for bleeding the week before and been terribly sick with morning sickness since October. This miscarriage was very hard. While the d&c was scheduled, things went wrong hours before the surgery. I had a lot of pain and bleeding and became an emergency when I fainted, went tachycardic and couldn't breathe. I then had more problems and went to the ER yesterday. They gave me two liters of fluid and declared me anemic but not enough for a transfusion. I only lost 20% of my blood volume - just under the criteria :huh:. And I left with instructions to spend even more time in bed. All this has left me in a bad spot for Christmas. I've done a lot of shopping online and the kids are easy. I even put my own Christmas presents in my amazon cart. My problem is my in-laws. We moved 1700 miles from them in September and I know that this year will be hard on them without us there. I've already heard that my mil is only putting up "the little tree" this year and my fil told me 3 months ago that he didn't see a point in Christmas this year. So I feel extremely guilty not having anything together for them for Christmas. And now it's what? the 10th? And I'm no where near able to get out there to get them something. I'm going to have to get them something online. But what? What do you get people who have everything they need and can buy what they want, when they want it? And what about the Uncles? the Dual Income No Kids, kind of Uncles. If I buy something online will it even get to me in time so that I can wrap it and send it out to get to them by Christmas??? I'm also wondering if I'll have enough energy to make cookies and craft with the kids... right now pulling together dinner is an all day operation. I can't even get to the store if we need something like bread or milk. Gift cards? Can I do gift cards? Or is that phoning it in? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Adults can handle not having Christmas gifts from you or a visit this year. Really. You need to take care of yourself now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 Adults can handle not having Christmas gifts from you or a visit this year. Really. You need to take care of yourself now. :grouphug: Thanks, Jean! I need to hear that from rational people. Not only am I not dealing very well mentally or emotionally, these aren't the most understanding people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Hugs, honey. You can have gifts sent directly, wrapped, if you order online. Gift cards are fine. No guilt. Please let the holiday be a time for rest, healing, and peace for you and your family. I am certain that's what all of your family members (far and near) want for you, and they care about you far more than what is under the tree. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 What Jean said. You do what you can manage, and not a bit more. You are grieving and that is real. Invite the Uncles to come and bake bikkies with your kids! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: so sorry for your loss Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 You can absolutely order gifts and cards online and have them sent directly gift wrapped to the recipient. I wouldn't feel guilt about that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Do they know you have been in the hospital? If not, dh should tell them. Perhaps future communication should go through dh. These people are all adults. They are perfectly capable of putting together a holiday. Christmas should not be a command requirement leveled on whoever has grandchildren. In the future, if dh (not you) feels compelled to send something to his family, he can shop online and gave everything shipped direct. I do this. I tell people ahead to expect an Amazon box on a certain date and they decide when to open it. You could pay for gift wrap, but I don't. I dh is having trouble finding "things" online he can look to send experiences (theatre tickets, tickets to a traveling exhibit coming to their town, art museum membership, ect). Perhaps with experiences they will figure out how to get out and entertain themselves and won't be compelled to spread guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Can you have the kids sit beside you and make Christmas cards for family, maybe include drawings, poems, stories, etc? You can bake cookies with them when you feel better. Watch favorite Christmas movies with your kids while eating popcorn and drinking cider or hot chocolate. Maybe the kids could even string popcorn. Skip the turkey and have dh make something easy. It is okay to do things different for the holidays. Enjoy the time with your kids and dh and don't worry about it being different this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I agree with the others. You are NOT responsible for their happiness this time of year. Do what you can and call it a day. I thought that I had Christmas pretty much on track despite some unexpected hitches and long work hours this time of year, and then BOOM another hitch in the plan yesterday. A family member is having surgery next week in addition to another family member having multiple out-of-state medical procedures this month. So I'll make a bunch of freezer meals and cookies this weekend, and that will have to be it. I'll probably go buy some of the cookies at a local place. Store bought ham and purchased sides for Christmas dinner. Thankfully I have all of the immediate family gifts done, and can get the rest on Amazon where it is shipped directly to them. Christmas can put a lot of pressure on us that shouldn't be there. Do what you can and get your rest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sherry in OH Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Don’t pay shipping twice. Order online and have the items shipped direct. I would order gift baskets from Harry and David, Hickory Farms, or a similar venue. If you don’t like gift baskets, send gift cards/certificates for dinner and a show. For MIL and FIL send a check with a note that the money is toward plane tickets to visit you. (Assuming you would welcome a visit.) Ask the children what is most important to them – making cookies, crafts, reading Christmas stories, watching movies, whatever your family’s traditions have been. Do modified versions of the important things and let the others go this year. Enlist your dh’s help. Maybe he isn’t up to making homemade cookies, but he can buy slice and bake cookie dough. He can also supervise the baking and decorating. If the children choose crafts, choose simple crafts such as paper snowflakes or decorating the windows with window markers. You can pull out all the stops next year. This year you need to take care of you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Send the inlaws a couple of those photo mugs with multiple pictures of the kids on it. You can just do it online at places like snapfish and send it directly to them. Forget about uncles and whatnot. DH can deal with it if he's interested. If an adult cares enough to complain, then they're the type to complain about everything anyway so your gift to them is a reason to indulge in a b!tchfest. Kids just want to decorate a few cookies. They seldom care about having 10 batches of the good stuff. Get the refrigerator dough and let the do some cut-outs to decorate. Maybe a batch of slice and bake cookies if you must. Microwave fudge with chocolate chips and sweetened condensed milk is EASY. Ghiardelli brownie mix is easy. Take ALL the shortcuts. Order Christmas dinner from your deli or Boston Market. Just heat and eat. It's one meal. Don't stress that your XYZ tastes better. You'll cook that next year. Hopefully you have a prelit tree. Just plug it in, let the kids put on the ornaments if you must have ornaments. Add a Christmas movie marathon to your holiday traditions. It's fun for the kids and easy for you. Have delivered pizza in front of the TV and show the kids some holiday films they haven't seen. A holiday tradition doesn't have to be hard to be fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 So sorry for your loss. Can you use Shutterfly or a similar service and make a photo book to send to the in-laws, with photos, recent if possible, of the grandkids? They also offer calenders, photomugs, photo pillows...and you can rest while doing this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 First of all hugs! I'm sorry for your loss. Secondly, don't worry about Christmas. If you want a tree, let your husband and kids handle it. Don't worry about presents for the adults. Your kids can draw a picture or Skype their grandparents. Whenever you are feeling better, you can do something IF you feel like it. My last miscarriage was hard on me because I still had three kids to care for and they weren't quite old enough to understand what was going on. We watched lots of movies and read lots of books sitting in the couch and that was ok. Everyone has a different experience and it is perfectly ok if you are having a difficult time recovering. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Agree with the others that you can take a guilt free pass this year. But IF you want to do something for the inlaws, I do recommend shutter fly like others have suggested. And a good item is a calendar with your family's pictures- the inlaws can see the grandkids every single day and then at the end of the year toss it and not have 'stuff' lying around. I've been doing that for my dad since we lost Mom and he loves them- and this is NOT a man who loves anything about gifts or holidays. Hope you're feeling better soon. So sorry to hear about your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Any adult should understand that your situation does not include getting presents. Please do not worry about adults. It's okay if you don't do anything for the inlaws this year! They will understand that you cannot. Take a deep breath, and concentrate on your immediate family, yourself and your children and husband. You don't need to bake cookies this year. If you want to do a fun yummy thing, you could make "Christmas Trees" with upside down sugar ice cream cones, green frosting, and small candies. Your husband can buy the supplies, and this is something that kids can pretty much set up and do. Take care of yourself……and (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennay Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 My first thought was "If these relatives are so selfish that they can't understand why she can't do Christmas shopping this year, then they don't even deserve a gift." Maybe that's not very charitable. I'm so sorry for your loss :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Princess Ariel Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I am so very sorry for your loss. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I also miscarried many years ago about this same time right before Christmas. That year I ordered almost everything by phone (no internet), and dh picked up the rest. Send them something that can be delivered if you feel you must send something. Consider your own health and take care of you! You are not responsible for their Christmas. It is hard enough just dealing with hormone fluctuations and the physical and emotional aspects of recovering. Take care! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Harry and David Gift basket, Christmas Cactus, something charitable? Buy online, ship directly to them, and pay for the store to giftwrap it. Amazon will giftwrap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 FYI, my walmart has sheets of pilsbury cookie dough, already rolled out, for the kids to use cookie cutters on. DH could handle that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I am sorry for your loss. For your inlaws I would send flowers or a little Christmas tree. I did this one year for my grandma and she loved it. So much so that she took pictures to share with her friends. :laugh: It was a bright spot for her during the holidays and all I had to do was call the florist. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Have Amazon or another retailer send the gifts directly to the in-laws. It's okay. They are probably not expecting even that, if they are good decent people with kindness in their hearts. So sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Seriously! The grown ups are grown ups and should be able to understand what's going on! Ask your husband to call his parents and set them straight - their focus needs to be on your recuperation. I am sorry but reading your woe is me description of them made me mad at them! (Probably because I spent way too many years trying to manage feelings of adults like this.) Big hugs to you - I am so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and let the people under your own roof love on you. Everyone else can take care of themselves!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baseball mom Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 First take care of yourself Second take care of your children If the adults don't understand that they can just get over it. I am so sorry for your loss :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hornblower Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Make this the start of a new tradition where adults don't exchange gifts & the problem disappears.You're not responsible for their moods or their happines or their neediness. Draw your line in the sand. All your energies need to be on restoring your physical and emotional health, processing your loss & grief, and loving your children & husband.I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Send food baskets to everyone. I send my grandma cookies and coffees. I send another couple sausages and cheese and cookies. There has to be something those uncles like that you can send. For the grandparents..send a food basket and have the kids make homemade cards and mail them in one big manila envelope. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. Personalized calendars, photo books for the in-laws. Actually, personalized anything with the kids photos, try Vistaprint--easy and fast, delivered to the in-laws directly. You can also find a local to them delivery company to deliver a gift basket--homemade organic goodies and such. ETA: and if you find even this exhausting, just take care of yourself. They will understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Another voice telling you not to worry. Let DH shop for his parents if he feels it necessary. You rest and recuperate. I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Sorry for your loss. I agree with the others above..........take care of yourself first and dont' worry about the other stuff. We skip gifts for adults around here anyway. Let dh handle a gift for his parents if needed or skip it. One year we had a rough 2 weeks before Christmas. We had a newborn with many health issues that was hospitalized twice before Christmas and was released on Christmas Eve. Our Christmas dinner that year was ham on buns, chips, baked beans from a can and I can't remember what else............but we were all just fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elisabet1 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Sorry about your loss (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 FYI, my walmart has sheets of pilsbury cookie dough, already rolled out, for the kids to use cookie cutters on. DH could handle that.This is what I was thinking. If you MUST do cookies (and really, in my growing up house we only sometimes did Christmas cookies, but in my memory it may as well have been every year), use the slice and bake or the sheets. What your family needs is you do get healthy and stay calm. Really, really, really. I agree with everyone up thread but was going to run out of likes. Send wrapped gifts from Amazon. Better yet, have dh do it for his family. My brother is in charge of our family, my SIL in charge of hers. My dh handles all his family's b'days, I handle my family. He is in a better place to handle it. And let him handle ANY push back and protect you right now. If they can't handle it, it is their problem, not yours, no matter what they do or say. They should not even "expect" presents. I am so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrittanyM Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I am so so sorry for your loss. Please give yourself grace and time to grieve! Last year my son died at 33 weeks along and Christmas (even though he died in January) was really hard without him here. I had to cut back and didn't get all the "normal" things done and that is okay. Sometimes we do what we have to to survive! I would order your in-laws a Harry & David basket or something like that as someone else suggested, but if you can't get around to it do not feel bad! Hugs to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Acadie Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I'm so sorry for your loss, and that it's been hard on you not only emotionally, which is so much in and of itself, but also as you deal with the physical and medical side. Yes take care of yourself first and foremost. And yay that Christmas for your kids seems easy. There are great ideas upthread, but some of them would be high maintenance for me (though I know for other people deciding what photos to put in a calendar is a breeze…). Talk to your dh--this is a great way for him to support and be there for you right now. Is the easiest thing for you to hand this off to him, since he knows what might appeal to his folks anyway? Or to decide together that he will do a couple things--Harry and David baskets, See's chocolates, a sweet box of grapefruit, or one-photo mugs? Batch the gifts--grandparents get x, all the uncles get y, and done. Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawyer&Mom Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Take your iron pill with orange juice to aid absorption. Eat hamburgers every other night. You can order electrolyte mix on Amazon. I like Alacer. Fill a water bottle and take sips all day. Anemia sucks, but it gets better. Very very slowly. Christmas? Anything and everything you, the kids or your family needs can be ordered online. This could be the year you get yourself a Prime account for Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted December 10, 2014 Author Share Posted December 10, 2014 All of this outpouring of support is very welcome and overwhelming. Thank you all! :001_smile: I have a terrible headache today so I can't really respond like I want. But I just want to respond to the gift basket and picture idea sound do-able even if I get the the 15yodd to take care of the pics. She's creative, she can get that done. Doesn't Sams usually have some sort of dinner menu items? And refrig cookies is the way I'm going this year plus whatever Sams has in the freezer section. I'm super emotional right now - so take this for what it's worth - but I love you all. The forum is great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 If you order anything, drop ship it to them so you are not even involved in wrapping and mailing. I like Panda's idea about Snapfish and coffee mugs with kids' faces. Also if a grown man or any adult depends on family to make his Christmas, there are problems present you cannot solve anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WagsWife Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Adults can handle not having Christmas gifts from you or a visit this year. Really. You need to take care of yourself now. :grouphug: :iagree: THIS...100 TIMES...THIS These people are adults! It should be inconceivable to anyone, for you to be thinking about anything but yourself, your husband, and your children. At the very most, your husband could order his parents some really nice Christmas flowers or something. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rmtzc2009 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I'm so very sorry for your loss! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Be patient with yourself as you heal physically & emotionally. Prioritize your health & well being, then your immediate family and then extended family. Give yourself the grace to do less this year. Your extended family will be fine, gift or no gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I am so sorry for your loss. May your child's memory be eternal. You have certainly received good advice, and I totally agree that adults can deal without gifts. However, if YOU can't deal with not sending something, here are a couple of suggestions... 1. Williams Sonoma online ordering for food gifts. I do this every year. I get the same thing for the same people every single year, because I know they LOVE what they get. And WS ships it right to them, so I don't have to wrap and re-send. 2. Find something online and check the gift-wrap option and send it directly to the recipient. I do this all the time, too, because by the time I pay postage and get the wrapping and all that, it's cheaper and faster to pay the $5 extra. But you are under no obligation, truly. These are just suggestions if it eases your already broken heart to do so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
73349 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I'm sorry. :grouphug: I would tell DH who's left on the list and have him take care of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 :grouphug: I'm so sorry for you loss. :iagree: with the others focus on your health... Imo, your in-laws and bil's should be focusing on helping you through this difficult time and doing everything they can to help you recover physically and emotionally. Shari's Berries sends lots of hand dipped strawberries and other delicious chocolate treats last minute. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forget-Me-Not Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 (((Hugs))) to you. The advice here is great. I can't add to it, but I did want to say that I'm so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunflowerlady Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 Hugs to you. Please take care of yourself. Do only what is easiest for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted December 10, 2014 Share Posted December 10, 2014 I would do Photo gifts for in laws Online shopping for food including prebaked goods or ready made dough for dh to do with kids Online order for craft materials Google YouTube Christmas crafts and let your kids watch some videos and go for it. If I was up for it. If I wasn't I'd just sleep and figure adults can deal and kids need a healthy mum more than anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted December 11, 2014 Author Share Posted December 11, 2014 I spoke with dh a little bit ago - he's on his way to his "man cave" (his weekly home) - I told him to go through our amazon cart and to check his email for gift ideas for his parents. His reaction, while comical, can't be full quoted here. But the gist of it being that his parents and brothers are on their own this year. It will likely work out that they will all get gift cards. My dd is taking pics and will upload them to some site to make whatever gift she and the boys decide to get the grandparents. You all are right of course. I just don't like feeling so helpless. So useless. I keep thinking, maybe if I just power through.... all typically over-achieving homeschool mom type things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Your dh is right. And no, you aren't helpless or useless. You just need to focus on yourself and your own family right now. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gentlemommy Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 I am so sorry about your loss.💔Rest, take care of yourself, greive, have a cup of tea. The adults will understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 Power SLEEP, dear, power HEAL. Do those things like an overachiever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trulycrabby Posted December 11, 2014 Share Posted December 11, 2014 :grouphug: I am very sorry. :grouphug: Please rest and let your body and soul heal. Those who love you will understand, and the others are not worth worrying about. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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