plain jane Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. You've helped me through a difficult time and gave me some perspective and lots of much needed support. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 (Hug) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Jane, I'm so sorry. :grouphug: That kind of thing hurts so much, I know. I'm so sorry I have no advice or perspective to offer, but I couldn't just read-and-leave. Your sadness comes through so strongly - I hope someone else can offer something more helpful than a hug. ETA: I couldn't take your husband's advice, either. I would never be able to do that and feel good about it, no matter how it turned out. I just don't have that kind of confidence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dory Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I totally get this. I'm in a similar boat. ((hugs)) it's not fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethel Mertz Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: for you. I don't have much to offer, unfortunately. Hoping that others have some suggestions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 tmi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendy not in HI Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 You are not alone. This kind of thing happens to me. It is hurtful. One summer my dd was babysitting for another mom (friend A) in our area. That mom was a friend of mine, and I knew that she and a few other moms got together frequently through the summer. It didn't really bother me that I wasn't invited, but it would have been nice, you know? One morning while my daughter was babysitting for friend A, friend B called me. She started telling me about how they were going to a lake so the kids could play, etc. I was thinking "yay! I'm finally invited!!" but the mom, friend B, went on to say "I was just wondering if your daughter would want to bring friend A's kids, I know they would just love it!" uh. okay. I felt like a loser. I know that I could have said - "how fun, I'd love to come, too!" or "great, what time! We will be there!" I should have. It's not a big deal, and really rather silly, but I would never call someone, tell them about an activity and NOT invite them. So strange! We moved this summer, so I am doing my best to make a community here for my family and myself, and it is hard! I think I missed the friendship gene or something. I find it a little baffling that I will befriend another new person, and invite them to things and have them over, etc. Then next thing you know they are swept up into other groups and are best friends with everyone while I am still standing outside looking in. I'm not sure what the step is that I'm missing. Anyway, I don't have any advice, just a hug and a "you're not alone!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 I thought about that too, LibraryLover. Perhaps that is part of it. My kids are not perfect but they're pretty decent. I have a lot of people tell me that they are a pleasure to be around and that they like our family. In fact, one lady just told me that this week and regretted that they are constantly busy but she has kids in competitive gymnastics and such is the nature of the beast. But perhaps you are right. I do have little ones who are not of school age whereas many people I know are past that stage of childhood and we just don't fit into their "groove". Thank you for some perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: I've started to thnk that my personality is just not the type to invite close friendships. My closest friend is moving away after the first of the year (her dh is miliatary) and I don't know what to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Are you an introvert? I am and can totally relate. I have always been the one to initiate getting together with people. I've just learned if I want to get together with people, I have to get outside of myself and just do it. It's annoying. There are whole months I just don't have the energy to call anyone to get together and so I stay by myself. There are also things that get co-ordinated without me and my kids just because we weren't there at xyz event and missed the excited planning of the "extroverts". Sometimes I will call up a few friends who I know better than others to go out for coffee or something. It's not that I'm excluding anyone, it's just that I'm getting together with people I know better. My guess is that these others are not excluding you purposely, but are just not thinking about you. Us introverts tend not to be noticed and not thought about just because we're not ones to make our presence known wherever we are. You will most likely have to ask to be involved more in activities you want to be a part of. The worst thing they could do is turn you down - the best, you get to have a bunch of new friends. I know that it will go against your shy personality, but you'll have to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
songsparrow Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I don't have any good advice, but I can empathize. The same is true here and I have struggled to understand it as well. When I suggest getting together, people seem genuinely happy to do so - they're not making excuses and avoiding me. But I always have to initiate. And I see that they get together with other mutual friends, so one of them is taking the initiative there. It would just be nice to know that my presence and friendship was wanted enough to result in an occasional invitation. In the past ten years, I had one good friend who would call me and invite me places, but unfortunately their family moved away. I mostly chalk it up to busy lives and let it go - most of the moms around here work full time, so there isn't as much of an opportunity to get together. What upsets me more is when the same thing happens to my kids. They have friends who have a great time when they get together. The friends always accept our invitations. But they never invite my kids over. I'm stumped. I don't get it. You're not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm one who moved. I'm so far away from almost everyone I love. I'm keeping busy and making friends, but it's quite exhausting. Some days are better than others, and while I know my situation is a little different, to Jane and the rest of the folks posting on this thread, I want to say I do understand how difficult this is. Most humans need community. I loved voting yesterday. It was a party in the library. :) lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm so sorry, Jane. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LNC Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 This is really oversimple and quick. I have always been the same way - more initiating, serving. I first noticed it in college. I had some friends that constantly received phone calls, invitation etc. I decided then that I was not a magnetic person - just didn't draw people into my orbit. That doesn't mean I can't develop meaningful friendships. Just that I should never compare with friends who have magnetic personalities. Never compare. Just love and serve. I am so glad my teenage daughter is exactly the same way. Very kind, loving and thoughtful - but she is almost always the initator and not the center of attention. I am helping her see the good in it. Being an observer has enabled me to reach out to lonely people, care and pray for others in trials and all kinds of things that the very popular, center of attention types may not notice. Just very brief thoughts but you are not alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I don't have advice on how to change things, but I really, really, really think it has more to do with them and less with you. It is HARD to make friends, even more so family friends. It's HARD to break into existing groups. It is very hard and hurtful to put yourself out there and to make such an effort, yet see little in response. But I honestly and truly think it is not YOU. Not that that is really much help. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craftymama Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 As others have said, you are not alone. We have recently moved and I can't even figure out what all the groups are or which ones I'm "allowed" to join. Information comes around as though I've been here forever and I can't decipher it. People talk about all the things they are doing and the places they are going, but never actually invite me. Or they include me in a last minute group invite, think an hour before, or invite me but don't actually provide enough information for a newbie to be able to figure out, if I don't know what or where that is, then no, I can't be there this afternoon. I also have the added bonus of odd ages. My oldest fits in with group A, but the little ones don't. My little ones fit in with group B, but the big one is too big and so there will be nothing for him. One of the first steps to making new friends is always saying yes to invites, but if there are no invites you're out of luck. I keep making plans and keep making phone calls, but it is exhausting to chase people. Sometimes I feel like I'm begging to be included. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: I'm kind of used to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shellydon Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Sounds like your cirlce of friends/aquaintences does a lot of socializing! My circle does not meet at all outside of kids' activities. With that in mind, if you were to text me about a get together, I would turn you down. Perhaps some of the people you are asking are like me in that respect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementine Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm in your shoes too. It hurts a lot, but we can't explain the actions or insensitivity of others. I try to remember that. I wish you lived near me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moonlight Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I have an idea. are you and your circle of friends facebook friends? can you open a social group on facebook for your circle of friends and just have everyone post ideas of getting together and so forth to the whole group? you can just say it would be an easy way to get information/invitations out to the whole group? maybe start a group of everyone who lives in the same part of town? or people that all homeschool and go to the same church? or people that meet up at the same park every week/month..maybe you could start a couple of social groups. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Wish I had some advice. I don't have many friends either, but I know why that is. I simply don't bother to pursue it. But to go through the trouble to pursue friendships and not have them reciprocated would be very frustrating and feel lousy. I tend to be that person that will go if you invite me, but I am very unlikely to invite because that's just how I am. Could there possibly be some practicality issues involved? For example, do you happen to live very far from some of these people and midway for you would be far for them? Just trying to imagine if there is some reason getting together with you might be difficult. I have been in those situations where I've really liked someone, but I don't really bother meeting up with them regularly because I don't want to drive an hour one way to meet them. Are you somehow very different than the people you meet up with? For example, a lot older, a lot younger, more outgoing, less outgoing, etc? I agree with what some others have said as well. It's tough because everything ideally lines up. For example, the kids get along AND the moms get along. At this point in my life, my kids are still a part of the package because I don't have the time and luxury to go lots of places without them. So if brining them will be too difficult (like they would be very bored, etc.) then it's just unlikely to happen. I don't have anything in common with people who have babies and toddlers at this point. Etc. There are so many factors that may have nothing to do with your personality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critterfixer Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I don't think there is a thing wrong with you, or a thing wrong with your friends--except that they are your friends. They don't sound like people I would expect to ever develop empathy with. One thing I'm finding is that some of us are catalysts. We initiate, actually get something going, and then somehow we get left completely out of the reaction! It's almost amusing if it wasn't so painful to watch. Honestly, I do believe that one of the reasons I simply don't make friends that easily is because I simply don't change. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 OP, Before I respond to you, I need a bit more contextual information because I think there are cultural issues that factor in.1. How many children do you have and what is their age range? 2. How large is your homeschooling community? How many in your state and county? About how many families are in these groups you mention? 3. How large is the city/town you live in? What region of the US do you live in? What region were you raised in? 4. How long have you been homeschooling? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 You sound like a great friend, come live in South Australia and we can hang out. That wouldn't help that much though because I almost never initiate anything ever. A couple of things could be happening. You could be seeing all of your different friends social lives in a big chunk and thinking each individual friend had all of it going on socially and feeling like they have far busier lives than they really do. It could be that you are giving off the vibe of being too busy if there's been a couple of things you haven't made it to. Like if you can't fit swim club they might all think you are really busy. And the art thing is probably not totally deliberate it would just be that all the mums were hanging out at swim club so they knew about it and then someone went.. Oh I wonder if plain jane knows... Only by then it was too late. I have been through the lonely left out thing lately too. My two close friends moved away last year. I feel the need for closer friendship but realised that I really don't have enough time for more social stuff right now. If I add anything school slips or housework slips. Hopefully later when the kids get older there will be more opportunities for developing friendships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rockhopper Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 This is really oversimple and quick. I have always been the same way - more initiating, serving. I first noticed it in college. I had some friends that constantly received phone calls, invitation etc. I decided then that I was not a magnetic person - just didn't draw people into my orbit. That doesn't mean I can't develop meaningful friendships. Just that I should never compare with friends who have magnetic personalities. Never compare. Just love and serve. I am so glad my teenage daughter is exactly the same way. Very kind, loving and thoughtful - but she is almost always the initator and not the center of attention. I am helping her see the good in it. Being an observer has enabled me to reach out to lonely people, care and pray for others in trials and all kinds of things that the very popular, center of attention types may not notice. Just very brief thoughts but you are not alone. There's real beauty in this, and a lot to ponder. Thank you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 This sort of thing happens to me too. Whether it is true or not, I chalk it up to my kids. Yes, they are well behaved (for the most part) but I have four boys between the ages of 2-8. I actually only know one other family with 4 kids (and we get together with them often, but honestly I don't love hosting at my house because having 8 boys under age 8 is just a lot and I don't really love going there because I feel like even though we help clean up we leave a mess). I think families with less than 4 kids are a little intimidated to have us over. Plus, most of our "family friends" have kids my older kids ages, they have aged out of toddlers. So, I invite them to our house as it is much easier to visit there. I don't think my friends really feel like they can have us over because there isn't a good place for the little kids to play, but they think it is rude to invite themselves over. Also, I still have nap times, diapers, non swimmers, and toddler meltdowns to worry about so I am sure I am not as fun to invite to go swimming as it would be to invite a family whose kids can swim while the moms hang out. One other thing, dh can't really ever watch the kids, so I have to hire a babysitter to get out. By the time I have paid a babysitter for things I have to go to, I often can't get one for fun. I think since I can't hang with the adults without kids very often, it's hard to really get "in the circle." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Hugs :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:.. I am done with the homeschooling, but it was very hard for me because I was outside of the circle with everyone I ever met. I do not know how it happens this friendship stuff, but I guess I didn't get the gene. I know how you feel, and I am sorry that it is happening to you. I wish I could change it for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Oh, I get this so, so well. I thought that for certain we'd be very close friends with our neighbors when we moved to our new home. We have boys the same ages, enjoy the same hobbies, are NEXT DOOR NEIGHBORS!!, and in general live compatible lives. But, it hasn't come to pass. What I've come to realize is that our neighbors just didn't *need* another family in their lives. We needed them - new, no friends - but they had a rich life already made. It doesn't occur to them to invite us over for the picnics, parties, playdates. We're not their habit. They're always happy to respond to our invitations, but don't extend. I'm guilty of the same thing now, and have been in the past. I'm not actively seeking new friends. I have a circle and I'm content. Moms that I like, moms I see regularly, families whose children my children enjoy - I don't initiate activities with them. I'd certainly respond favorably if asked, but I have my habits and they work for me. Now, I DID manage to make our family a "habit" for another group. It was out of necessity, and done when we hand no community, shortly after moving to a new area. We showed up to EVERYTHING, we made good friends with one family within the in-group, and I pushed myself to become very dynamic within the group. Example: finding a space for meetings. Hiring vendors. Initiating field trips. So my advice to you, going forward, is to start the groups. Start art club, or music club, or nature study. Start a book group. Invite the people you like. It's not easy. I hate it. But, when I kept seeing my kids left out and forgotten, I realized I had to push myself to become a dynamic, unforgettable, habit-forming member of the community. (I joked with DH that my goal was to create a community for my children, such that if they were missing from an event, someone would notice "Oh, XXX isn't here." Now, whatever *else* they thought - "whew, what a relief!" - is out of my control. I'd take comfort knowing that my children were missed, and, therefore, a proven member of the group.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucy Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 It's not just introverts that relate. I used to be the one with lots of friends. I just naturally and easily made friends and was always in the center of the happenings. Not now. My personality hasn't changed, I don't think, at least not that much, but I find it very difficult to make what I consider to be true friends. A few years back I could have written your post - I always initiated, tried to get people together, but often found myself uninvited to Bunco and book clubs. I finally decided to stop initiating and see what happened. It was a bit depressing! One friend I considered one of my closest, I actually told her a few years ago, "I feel like I may be annoying you (said with laugh) so why don't you just call me when you have time and want to go do something fun." She's never called me. It really hurt. I have also had to change my expectations depending on the person. Another friend is a true friend, but I've just had to learn to accept her personality. She doesn't call. She is a homebody and doesn't feel the need to go out or see friends on a regular basis. I extend her grace in her lack of initiating because when we do hang out or talk, she is a very true friend indeed. It's just not as often as I would like. But have hope, because in the midst of being so sad, I found a true friend. She calls me once or twice a week, wants to hang out two or three times a month, she lives 1 hour away and doesn't let it stop us from getting together. She prays for me and checks up with me when she knows I need it. She puts just as much effort into our friendship as I do - and I literally thank God for her. I don't think the lack of true friendship for a few years meant something was wrong with me - I think it was due to everyone's business and people assumed due to my cheerful personality that I wasn't in need. I don't LOOK like I'm on the outskirts even when I am. I think people would have reached out more if I had voiced my longing for friendship better. But most people are just plain too busy to notice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 (((Jane))) I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 DH and I have talked about this quite a bit over the last 10 years or so. He's an extrovert who loves to entertain, but doesn't feel like it ever plays out the way he hopes it will. I'm more of a cynical introvert about the whole thing. It's probably more than one thing. It's partly that people make friends at a certain easy place. Sometimes it's that they have the same age/gender kids. Sometimes the kids are in the same super-involving organization/club/hobby. Sometimes people grew up together. Sometimes they moved to town at the same time. Same church. Same bar. Etc. Friends get filled in like electrons on an atom, and while others can be welcome they never quite stick. There's also a certain truth to the 'magnetic' personalities. If you're really chill or down-to-earth kind good listener, it's like their brain rolls right off of you. They're happy to see you. They'd trust you to babysit their child/walk their dog/house sit, but you never really make it to the conscious level. Again, nothing really wrong with us. We're salt-of-the-earth people. We just don't fit whatever weird idea of a good friend they have. Not exciting enough? Don't have the right things in common? Who knows. People just don't socialize the way they did in the past. I know you're feeling the pain of missed social opportunities, but this is a truth. Circles are smaller and more dependent on one or two very social planner people. Maybe you just don't know them well? Family get-togethers are between people who see each other a lot for other reasons. Sometimes we just don't fit the style of where we live. We march to our own drums. We're not interested in the common social pursuits of our neighbors. We're nice. We're fine. But we just don't quite fit in. I like to live in a rural area, but the truth is that I'm totally uninterested in high school sports, local bars, fundraisers. It's not surprising if others don't feel much in common with me. I wish you well. There's nothing wrong with you. You're probably looking at the wrong people. Don't feel it as a judgement on your likability. Look for different people. Join some clubs. Don't expect a perfect family match-up. Find some individual relationships where you have similar interests and needs. Ask if you can join the book club (it's unlikely they'll care even if they didn't think of you immediately...don't take it personally). Do something with the same people on a regular basis, even if it's volunteering or attending a craft night. Hang in there. Some of us just take awhile to appreciate. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilaclady Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I don't think there is anything wrong with you. It might just be a season of life. We are in that now too, we do a lot of initiating and inviting but don't receive about half as many back. :grouphug: :grouphug: hope you find your tribe soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I've come to think that it is very hard to create meaningful friendships as an adult. As others have mentioned, people often already have their "circle" of friends and are happy to stay within it. Although I do think that adults should have more sense than to be as incredibly rude as they are, to talk about events to which someone is not invited when that someone is part of the same social group. It's different in really big groups, or some situations. But in smaller groups it is hurtful. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Okra Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 But have hope, because in the midst of being so sad, I found a true friend. She calls me once or twice a week, wants to hang out two or three times a month, she lives 1 hour away and doesn't let it stop us from getting together. She prays for me and checks up with me when she knows I need it. She puts just as much effort into our friendship as I do - and I literally thank God for her. If you don't mind sharing, how did you find this friend? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nwmama Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Oh, I could have written your post, especially since we moved this year, but even before we moved. And my DH tells me to go out and initiate too, and I hate it! After a while of doing all the initiating it's just not worth it anymore. I know he means well but he just doesn't get it so I've given up complaining to him about it. I'm giving up initiating for a while. I'm tired of trying so hard. I'm going to go about my life and keep myself and my family doing things that we enjoy. Maybe friends will come along naturally, maybe they won't. I don't want to think about it right now. I'm going to get the homeschooling encouragement I want right here and the knitting encouragement I want from Ravelry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Jane, similar things happen to me. It is not unusual for me to say to myself, "does anybody actually like me?" Once in a while, this friend or that friend initiates spending time with me. One particular friend, who is very gregarious, does fairly often, i. E., "Are you free for lunch," etc. With some friends, I feel like all we ever do is trade good intentions. They say they want to get together, but it doesn't happen just then; later, I volley back an offer, but it doesn't materialize, and so on. There are several friends whom I very much want to get together with, but between my busy-ness and their busy-ness, it isn't coming together. I feel badly about this frequently. Most of the time, I don't think it is that I am unlovable and people secretly can't stand me. But that thought rears its ugly head from time to time. At various points in my life, I get stuck in a loop of unworthiness, and then I don't even think my kids and husband care about me; it's then that I'll say, "If I got into a car accident on the way home, they would probably just be annoyed that I didn't bring home the milk in time for dinner!" Sorry you're feeling badly. I think I can say I have BTDT. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest submarines Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: I find myself in similar situation--when I initiate, things go well, but no one initiates me us. Well, practically no one. When I think / overthink this, I start feeling like something must be surely wrong with me. But if I'm really honest with myself, and toss the "should" aside, I don't really mind. I like hanging out with people, but I'm an introvert. I tend to have just enough of social interactions. It seems like you are a very nice person. It also seems that people do enjoy your company and that you *are* fairly busy with your activities. If you don't overthink the situation, are you actually content / happy on a moment to moment basis? It seems like you are, because you say you are not depressed. Is it only when you stop and think about it that it saddens you? T I agree with your DH--everyone assumes that you are too busy. I have "only" 3 kids, and I'm often intimidated by larger families, thinking that they can't possibly have time for me. I totally get what you are saying, but there's nothing wrong with you. People are overly busy, over extended and are barely balancing their activities. When you initiate, they are likely truly glad. Do you have a close friend or two? That would help. You talk about all those people, and I imagine dozen of families. I don't even know that many people here! :lol: Is there someone who you feel you'd like to know better? Focus on a 1:1 activities, not groups. As an introvert you probably not exactly yourself in groups (I'm an introvert, and I love 1:1 and don't care for group activities at all.) I'd keep inviting that one person and give it some time. Nothing wrong with you. People like you (and I mean it in a good way, because it is also people like me) don't fit well with most people. That's totally fine. I hope you find a fulfilling friendship soon. You deserve it. My close friend moved to another country, and I do miss her and I do feel lonely, but I know myself well enough to know that even if part of me wishes I was invited to more activities, the bigger part of me is still content. Big HUGS. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 That's why we enjoy online friendships! Sometimes the most convenient time for socialising requires each person to be in a different time zone. :rolleyes: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTmom Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 >>I had mentioned a few times to one of the moms involved (way back in the spring before this all started) how I would love to be a part of a mom's book club. Seems like you know more than one mom in the book club, can you send a bunch of them an email saying that you are looking for a book club. Maybe its the one that asked that didnt include you, one of the others might mention the book club. Are you by any chance a high achiever that the others are intimidated by you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTmom Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 >>I had mentioned a few times to one of the moms involved (way back in the spring before this all started) how I would love to be a part of a mom's book club. Seems like you know more than one mom in the book club, can you send a bunch of them an email saying that you are looking for a book club. Maybe its the one that asked that didnt include you, one of the others might mention the book club. Are you by any chance a high achiever that the others are intimidated by you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 The book club thingy happened to me, too. Two of my friends frequently talk about Book Club, but, though they know I am an avid reader, and I have dropped hints before that I think it would be nice to be in one, they never asked. I had to conclude that either they are simply happy with the size of the club, and/or they don't think I am a "fit" for the group. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I understand from a different angle. Deep introvert here. I am very uneasy initiating events. I had a very isolating, only childhood. My mom was so focused on appearances and what people might think, unless my house is 100% spotless perfection, I am very on edge having others over. You never know why others might not initiate. I do *not* think it is you. I think you should find another group that fits better. You deserve more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TKDmom Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Come hang out with me!! :grouphug: It sounds to me like they are just being thoughtless, not intentionally exclusive. They make plans when you're not there, and just don't think to invite you or assume you are too busy since you're not there during their prime social time. Not that that would make me feel any better if I were in your shoes. :sad: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I'm so sorry. Have you lived in your community long, or homeschooled for very long? It can take a long, long time to finally be a naturally accepted friend. I really don't think people mean it personally. You sound like a very lovely person! I know that when I first moved to our town and started homeschooling, 90% of the homeschoolers were involved in so many of the same activities -- including the same church. I was the only Lutheran! haha I felt like I went out of my way to be friendly, and my kids were easy to get along with and polite, but we had to push our way into everything. The homeschool group here is fairly small, so you really get to know who everyone is. Often, my kids were not invited to the fun homeschool birthday parties, even when we invited them to ours. Things like that. But, that was all years ago, and here is what I learned in hindsite. They were never excluding us on purpose. Honestly, most people just have poor social skills/etiquette. I mean, if there were a new child in a group my children were in, they would be at the top of our birthday party invite list! ha But most people are not like that. They aren't. It doesn't even occur to them. I wasn't invited to mom's Bible studies simply because, who knows why. Circumstances didn't line up just right to put the thought into their heads. Maybe I gave off a Lutheran vibe. :) Eventually we found two families that we got along well with, and those were our good friends through most of our early homeschool years. Since then, I have become very good friends with some of those moms. It just needed time, and for all of us to move into a different season. But there's something else too. The kids in that group ended up wanting to become friends with my kids eventually, but by the time that happened, my kids were involved in so many other things, they were no longer interested in those friendships. In fact, now that all the kids are mostly grown up, some things are very clear to me. Those other kids are now all doing very similar things. They are sweet farm kids who are now married with children and back in the same small town. My kids are all doing something very different from all of them. It makes me think that often there is something instinctive in people that they don't even consciously pick up on, something in the brain that just knows your personalities don't line up that well. Another thing I learned is that as we all became more comfortable in our homeschooling shoes and in our new town, we gained confidence. As we gained confidence, things just seemed to go our way more and more. I can't explain it. It's almost like, when I didn't care anymore, everything became easier! In the meantime, is there another group activity you can try out, with different people than the ones you're with now? Maybe another group has a lone family looking for friends too. Or maybe you'll meet someone whose personality more instinctively lines up with your own. Also, I don't think it's too unusual that people don't reciprocate your dinner invitations. I think most people really don't feel up to having other families over for dinner. It feels too overwhelming. Anyway, this is probably just a season. I'm sorry it's so difficult though. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Hugs. :crying: When my best friend and I fought and parted ways in 4th grade, with many many hurt feelings on either side, I was lost. All of my friendships had revolved around her and I had no one to be friends with at school. My mom counseled me to find those who were lonely and needed friends and to approach them. I ended up part of a very ragamuffin group (one girl had some sort of LD, another had fetal alcohol syndrome, the rest went on to get PhDs at Ivy Leagues) but they were always very kind. We were friends from 4th to 12th grades. I am so thankful for my mom's training in this area. When we've initiated and found that the other people don't follow through, we assume it is because their life is busy and they don't need any more friends. Then we go and look for those who do. Sometimes it hurts my kids, but I think they are learning. Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 :grouphug: I know the feeling. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TianXiaXueXiao Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 I've always been an outsider. I grew up in a small mountain town in SoCal that was an hour away from LA, but you'd think it was Mayberry. I endured racism throughout my childhood being one of the few non white kids on the hill. I was always desperate for friendship and acceptance, so I would allow terrible treatment as the price to be "in." I would collect all the lunch boxes and take them back to the classroom as the condition of being able to play with the other kids. Of course, once I completed my end of the bargain, the others would tease me for being gullible and I would still be excluded. This kind of social torment at a young age led me to believe that being friends entailed me eating crap, and I accepted the subservient position in nearly all of my friendships until only a few years ago. I was always the private "best friend" who was mocked and made fun of publicly. I'm not joking. My first "best friend" was with me nearly every day from age 5 to 17. However, despite the fact that she knew me and supposedly loved me, she would still ask if it was OK if she wasn't seen with me at social events where the other kids might make fun of her. I would always acquiesce. Heaven forbid someone I love endure the same pain I endured daily! This pattern of friendship continued throughout my life, but by adulthood it was no longer racist it was that I drew people to me who were narcissistic because I made a great feeder. These friends would let me down time and time again and I would not stand up for myself. I would put up with people arriving hours late for coffee dates without fuss. I would put up with one friend who's best friend was a clergyman who hated me. I would accept being excluded from major life events because the clergyman was going to be there. (The clergyman was racist and admitted that he thought it was okay to give me charity, but he didn't want to be the one doing it) There is little to respect in a person who allows others to treat them like crap in the name of friendship. A few years ago, I realized why all my friendships were so lopsided, and I systematically ended each and every fake friendship (decades long relationships) that I had cultivated in order to not be lonely. It took about 4 months and these were people who attended my wedding, births, and all of my major life events! Now, I'm happy to say, I have a handful of close and beautiful friendships, some are new and some are old, but they are all genuine. I now will speak up against any affront but I haven't had to so far. Thank God. It's never too late to learn how to make friendships that last. Friendships that are reciprocal and meaningful. I didn't share this to imply that you're in the same situation that I was, OP. I shared it to show that things can change for the better. :) Edited for clarity. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Maybe you're looking for friends in the wrong places? I move a lot. My kids are older. I think it's easier to make mom friends when you have little kids. You're all deep in the trenches together. The trenches look more or less the same. You see all of the same people at play group and story time at the library and LLL meetings. It's easy to find connections and make plans in between the other activities. Sure, there are some divides, but nothing like the divides that happen as kids grow older. Maybe it's time for you to look outside of the mom circle for different types of friends. Some of the women I am good friends with now don't even have kids. We connect more through mutual preferred activities. As a mom of older kids, I can leave my kids at home and go to a play or nice restaurant. We can take older kids on a strenuous hike instead of sitting by the pool watching swim lessons. Maybe look at starting a club of some kind? Book club? Wine club? French club? How about attending an existing group at the library or church? Why not take a class? Join the Sierra Club? Volunteer at the VFW? Join a community theater group? It's still easier to make connections with people you see on a regular basis. I think once you get outside of that type of cliquish behavior, you'll see that the problem isn't you. It's important too, IMO, to make specific solid plans and make it easy for people to bring along a wingman so that they know someone. "Hey, Suzie, I am getting a group together to go to do a wine tasting at X Restaurant. Would Tuesday evening at 6 work for you? We need 10 people to do the tasting, do you want to invite Jane?" Make the same phone call a few more times, and you'll have your 10 people. Wine tasting can easily be replaced with pottery painting or canvas painting or golf/surf lesson or whatever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Curious though - did you just come out and ask ? See, I wouldn't give hints, I'd just come straight out and ask. "Is the book club open to new members ? I'd be interested in joining." I think I said something like, "Oh, that would be so fun! I would love to be in a Book Club!" The reality is, my own schoolwork keeps me busy as it is, and I don't know how I could keep up with the club reading as well. If my time felt more open, I possibly would have tried more assertively to join. But I confess it bothered me a little that neither friend picked up my remark to where they said, "Oh, you are welcome to join, if you're available on X day." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted November 5, 2014 Share Posted November 5, 2014 Be careful not to pathologize yourself on account of other people's awkwardness or whatnot. Many people don't seem to reciprocate invites anymore. I hear a lot of people complaining about this. I'm a pretty popular host but I recall worrying that our neighbors didn't like us for some reason for the longest time because they accepted our invites but didn't reciprocate. They were always friendly but it was weird and I was convinced it was me. Totally weird old me. Well, it tumbled out later on that they were hesitant to invite us because: 1. They were newlyweds and apparently fought a lot. While we never heard this, they figured we were hearing them through the shared wall (townhouse) and they were embarrassed. 2. She was worried that her place was too messy to have guests. 3. She didn't cook much and was embarrassed by that too. She actually said she was nervous about having us over because the food at our house was good. This came out after 4 years of me being worried. She told me this when apologizing because they'd been meaning to invite us and wondered if it was ok to maybe have us over for a BBQ or to order pizza. Yes, yes it is ok. You don't need a sparkling clean house or mad cooking skillz to host people! We put our energies into a small to medium sized group rather than trying to have lots of less meaningful relationships. It's probably a lot better than you think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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