Has anyone here ever *chosen* not to breastfeed even though they could?

[abba12]

This is not a JAWM, I want to hear multiple sides, as long as they are stated kindly with consideration. We all know how heated breastfeeding can get as a topic, and I am well aware some people would consider me very selfish, to put it kindly. I am trying to do the best for me and my baby, as, I'm guessing, is anyone who replies to this thread with their own stories, so can both sides please keep the snark out? Thank you

 

I have a rocky history with breastfeeding. With my first, it HURT. Immensely. I saw lactation consultants who, essentially, said that everything was fine, baby, latch and breast were perfect, and baby was getting food so I just needed to push through the pain and hope it would go away. I was specifically told not to use a nipple shield, and when I tried to express I had no luck at all (one LC had me pumping every hour and a half during the day and every 3 hours at night for 3 days to try and boost my supply. I never expressed more than 20ml in a sitting and all we achieved was leaving me absolutely exhausted, sleep deprived, and feeling like crap emotionally). I gave up at 2 weeks when I decided that it was better to have a formula fed baby who was happy and secure with a mummy who was bonding with her, than a breastfed baby who cried every time mummy held her because she could smell milk but couldn't get it (I wasn't letting down properly) and who's mummy cried every time baby woke up, dreading feeding her. 

 

After that experience I researched and learnt a lot. I discovered that I have nerve damage to my nipples as a result of past sexual abuse. I also was not letting down easily because of the emotional issues I was having while feeding. On top of that, baby was very impatient, there were no 'early hunger signs', it was either sleeping or screaming, so she would fuss terribly at the breast, and I believe, though can't confirm, that she was running her tongue back and forth as she sucked, causing a type of friction burn (we saw her doing this with the bottle and spoke to another woman who's baby was the same). All of these issues aggravated the others, any one on it's own might have been managed but, together, my milk began drying up before it had even properly come in.

 

So I went into the next pregnancy much more prepared (and much more bitter about supposed 'lactation consultants' who never suggested any of the issues listed). It was just as painful until I began using nipple shields, which helped immensely, though never completely took the pain away. Baby was just as impatient as her sister, and on top of that she wanted to comfort suck, which I just could not let her do because it would increase the pain. Nonetheless, we managed for 6 weeks until the lactation consultant I had been seeing (the one who finally said it was ok to use the shields) said she was sucking badly, she wasn't gaining enough weight, and told me I needed to supplement with one bottle a day. Well after the first day she refused the next feed, the second day she wouldn't feed the entire night after the bottle, and the third day she refused the breast completely. Had I not had any other issues I'm sure I could have done things to improve the situation and get her latching again, but since I was also struggling emotionally and physically, and my milk seemed to be drying up, I decided to let it be and switch to formula again. (btw, her 'sucking badly' got us a referral to a speech therapist, who was very confused because baby's suck was perfect when we saw her. That's about the point I decided to give up on LCs altogether)

 

Finally, I gave birth two weeks ago. I refused any 'help' from the LCs. I began using shields as soon as my milk came in, and I was blessed with a baby who, finally, had some patience! This baby feeds like a trooper, perfect latch and great temperament, doesn't comfort suck too much, but will take a full feed in a sitting. I actually have oversupply issues instead of undersupply! I will have to use shields the whole time, I tried a single feed without them a couple of days ago and was in pain for every feed the next day, but with the shields on the pain is mild. I'm even letting down fairly well.

 

And yet... I hate it. I know part of my feelings stem from the past abuse I have suffered (and yes I have had therapy, including specifically addressing the trauma and breastfeeding with my second) but I HATE breastfeeding. It's not pleasant and snuggly, I don't feel happy hormones, I hate it. And what concerns me more is that I am not bonding with my baby at all. It happened with both previous babies, I didn't bond well until they went onto formula, I just assumed it was the pain and triggers, but I am not in pain this time, and I still feel very little connection to baby (no other signs of PPD, it's just a bonding issue). I am so emotionally drained from the act of feeding her that I don't want anything to do with her, or to be anywhere near her, when I am not having to feed her. I'd guess it's, again, due to the connection with the past abuse. My PTSD has also flared up, more nightmares, more flashbacks, more moody. (baby is safe and stimulated, I might not feel like interacting with her but I do force myself to do so anyway, and DDs/DH help out a lot in filling those needs during this period, there's no 'risk' here as such)

 

I want to bond with my baby, I am so upset that I feel this same detachment, I don't want to spend the next year feeling that detachment for the sake of breastfeeding, and I am not convinced it is healthy for baby either. I think that initial bonding is really important. 

 

But I feel like, because I am finally capable of breastfeeding successfully, I am trapped. I have no choice but to breastfeed because 'breast is best' and all that pressure. I find myself actually wishing the pain would return so I would have an excuse to stop, but it isn't... I don't know if I could cope with the judgment I would receive for bottle feeding, especially since, this time, saying 'I was physically unable to' would be a lie. (Australia is quite different when it comes to babies, and, in the area I live at least, breastfeeding is definitely considered the norm)

 

DH wants me to stop. He believes the benefits of breastfeeding are outweighed by the disadvantages in my situation, especially since many of the usual benefits apparently don't apply to me. In fact the ONLY benefit that still has any merit in my case is purely nutritional, since the hormonal effects are obviously out of whack. Is that more important than bonding emotionally with baby? Or my mental health? Or just the ability to choose not to do something that I find extremely unpleasant and upsetting? DH compares it to choosing to buy conventional produce even though we know organic is better. He doesn't consider formula to be 'bad', just 'less than ideal' and continues to remind me that sometimes less than ideal is better than perfect when the sacrifice to get perfect is too high. He completely acknowledges breast is best, he just argues that formula is more like conventional produce than junk food, not bad, just 'less than'. My primary support, my grandmother, is of the same opinion.

 

Like I said, breastfeeding is very normal here, and as a result, I have NEVER known ANYONE who chose to formula feed (I also don't know anyone who went back to work after 6 weeks, which probably plays some part in it, all the mums I know took at least 6 months or stayed home, removing that hurdle). Every formula using mum I know did so because of problems which arose (now, some of those problems could certainly have been fixed with more education/support, but it was still a better reason than 'I don't want to'). On the other hand, I have met numerous women who talk about how hard, or even at times how painful, breastfeeding was for them but they did it anyway (trying to encourage me to 'keep strong' for the sake of my baby). I feel so guilty even considering not breastfeeding when I have the option and ability to do so that I actually feel sick about it. Especially when I know women who breastfed for a year or more despite issues/discomfort. But when I think of doing this for another year, I feel sick at that thought as well. I guess I'm just not as strong as those women, or maybe I'm just selfish, but I don't WANT to sacrifice myself in that way. And yet, I feel like I don't have a choice, because formula should be a last resort, not a choice, right?

 

Has anyone here chosen to formula feed despite being able to breastfeed? Why? Did it turn out to be the right choice for you? Would anyone like to give an argument for why it's worth persisting, or perhaps you chose to formula feed and regretted it? When even the advertisements for formula are telling me I should be breastfeeding (they are required to state breast is best on all marketing here) it's awfully hard to shake the guilt and shame that I might be permanently harming my baby by choosing to formula feed for my own comfort. On the other hand, I might be permanently harming her by not bonding properly with her and meeting those emotional needs that are so important in the first year of life for developing the way their brains think about people and emotions. No matter what I do I end up losing. I know the blame for that rests with the people who committed the sexual abuse against me, but I just end up blaming myself for not being good enough and not having recovered enough to cope instead.

[Catwoman]

Yes.

 

I never had even the slightest interest in breastfeeding.

 

I also never felt the slightest guilt about it.

 

And FWIW, I think the whole "you won't bond with your baby if you bottle-feed" thing is a complete crock. :glare:

 

I'm all in favor of women making whatever choice is best for them, whatever their reasons.

[Corraleno]

Oh honey, I would absolutely let it go. My DD was adopted at 4 months, and has been bottle fed from birth and she's absolutely fine and healthy. Considering your background, and what a trigger this is for you, you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty, IMHO. Get that baby some formula and enjoy cuddling with her while she has a bottle. Big hugs!  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Starr]

You need to what is best for your family! You need to be lovin on your baby not anxious and miserable.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[smudge]

"when I decided that it was better to have a formula fed baby who was happy and secure with a mummy who was bonding with her, than a breastfed baby who cried every time mummy held her"

 

This line answers your dilemma. A psychologically healthy mom far outweighs any BF/FF argument. I had a breast reduction 15 years before I had any children. Because of the scar tissue, BF was nigh-on impossible. I could have done it, but they wanted me to have formula in a bottle up by my head with a tube taped next to my nipple. I just knew for me, that was a recipe for disaster. And like my mom said to me, go to any K class or college graduation and point out the kids who were BF. You can't tell. As long as you hold and love baby whilst doing the formula, it is not a bad thing. Love your baby and enjoy this time now.

[Mom in High Heels]

I didn't with Indy.  I had no interest in it, and he turned out pretty well.  I tried to bf Han Solo, but it was a miserable experience for both of us, and I finally quit after 2 weeks.  We will still supplementing with formula, because I wasn't producing enough.  I would pump and pump and pump to try to get my supply up, and it just didn't work.  I was constantly attached to Han Solo or the pump and it was awful.  He was hungry, I was tired, and just decided we'd had enough. We went to straight formula, and we were both much happier. 

[eternalsummer]

Breastfeeding is better for babies and cow's milk formula is created through inhumane practices that cause pain and trauma to mother and baby cows.

 

However, with your experience, I would stop breastfeeding and switch to an acceptable-to-me formula.  I would feel bad about the situation but not guilty, kwim?

 

With my first, I had a lot of pain too, for about 2 months (bad latch).  I also cried when she woke up, and dreaded her waking.  It was miserable.  I would have quit breastfeeding if that had gone on much longer; it was unbearable and impeded bonding rather than facilitating it.

 

 

I didn't like breastfeeding with my first two; with my second (who is now 6), I slowly switched to formula at 4-5 months because I was so tired of breastfeeding.  I chose to formula feed, when I could have continued breastfeeding.  

 

Here is the thing: those hormones that cause most women to feel happy, relaxed, loving, etc.?  Those hormones have none of those effects on me.  Instead, when my milk lets down and I have the rush of hormones, they cause a feeling of dread, worry, foreboding, despair.  I feel those emotions when I breastfeed as much as other women feel relaxed and warm.  I didn't even realize that was happening for the first two children; with my third, I recognized the cause of the bad feelings and found a way to ignore/accept them, and I was able to bf her (and my next child) for a year.

 

 

[Paige]

:grouphug:  What you describe is not a successful breastfeeding relationship. It's about more than just getting food into baby's tummy. 

 

Please don't feel guilty for doing what you feel is best for your family. 

[SKL]

I agree, the relationship is #1.  As an adoptive mom I can promise you that you can have healthy, happy kids without breastfeeding.  :)

[Tammi K]

Oh my goodness, Sweetie. You have out permission to do what is best for the baby AND for you.   Breast feeding should be enjoyable. If it isn't and you are miserable, you have every right to change your mind.

 

I've had 6 children. Some of them had feeding issues. We struggled and persevered - sometime for the better, sometimes for worse. Finally, with baby number 6, he wasn't taking in enough to gain. I don't know if it was a 'me' issue or a 'him' issue. I knew I could push on and we would muddle through. But, you know what? I did that with other babies and with this one, I was tired of sore nipples and all the other issues of nursing a hard to nurse baby. I finally, after a lot of encouragement from my husband, started giving him a bottle. Life was so much easier for all of us! 

 

Nursing is great and is wonderful for the baby. But, the baby is not the only member of the nursing relationship. Do what works best for both of you and feel good about your decision. It's okay to stop. Honestly!

[Catwoman]

. And like my mom said to me, go to any K class or college graduation and point out the kids who were BF.

That is such an excellent point! :hurray:

 

Your bottle-fed baby will be just as happy, just as healthy, and will grow and develop just as well as any other baby.

 

Please don't think you will be doing your baby any harm by choosing to bottle-feed.

 

I'm not trying to pressure you either way -- I just want you to know that there are no bad choices here. :)

[Tammi K]

nm.. Silly me quoted the wrong post and my comment would not have made sense.

[elinnea]

I am very pro-breast feeding and all mine were extended bf'ed as well BUT I also feel strongly that the decision to bf or not is a personal one and no one should be made to feel bad about their choice.

If you are looking for a reason to not bf then I think your past abuse issues are a very valid reason. Breast feeding is one way of building a bond with your baby but not the only one especially if it's making you miserable.

You have this Mama's permission to formula feed. No judgements. :)

[T'smom]

You do not have to breastfeed to be a good mom. I have breastfed mine, but my sister chose to formula feed. She did not make any attempt to breastfeed at all. She's a good mom. There is nothing wrong with formula. My advice would be to give the baby a bottle and start enjoying the baby snuggles!

[eternalsummer]

this post of mine no longer makes sense, alas :) (deleted)

[Joanne]

I am a HUGE breast-feeding advocate. I hate the saying "breast is best" because it misses the mark in terms of formula and its inferiority.

 

All that said, I don't think you can breast feed successfully and well in terms of holistic health.

 

I totally support you in switching.

 

Your ability to breastfeed was stolen: one of the many life long impacts of the trauma and violation.

 

I would encourage you, however, to have kindness and grace towards the professionals who tried to help you. Your situation is rare and extenuating and I think it is possible you are being a bit unfair in your characterization of them.

[ThisIsTheDay]

But I feel like, because I am finally capable of breastfeeding successfully, I am trapped. 

 

. . .

 

it's awfully hard to shake the guilt and shame that I might be permanently harming my baby by choosing to formula feed for my own comfort. On the other hand, I might be permanently harming her by not bonding properly with her and meeting those emotional needs that are so important in the first year of life for developing the way their brains think about people and emotions. No matter what I do I end up losing.

 

Oh, my dear!!!!  All I can say is that my heart aches for you.

 

You may be technically physically able to breastfeed, but it doesn't really seem that you are able.  It sounds too painful, both physically and emotionally, on many levels.   I know that I never would have held out as long as you have.

 

There is no reason to feel guilt or shame. I think you've been very brave to press on.  Formula/bottle feeding will not even temporarily harm your precious baby, and it certainly sounds like it will benefit both of you to bottle feed.  Don't feel like you're losing either way.

 

Oh, we all know that breastfeeding, in general, would be preferred.  But you've been there, done that, and stuck it out for a very, very long time. It's not work for you.  Lose your guilt and do what works best for ALL of you. Listen to your husband.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

[LucyStoner]

You do what works for you and your history and your child and your husband and you don't look back. You have done due diligence and then some in figuring this out. There is no need to aggravate your PTSD for breastfeeding. It's just not worth it.

[Liz CA]

You have breast-fed for 2 weeks already? Your baby got a good start. If you can express and it causes less issues, I'd try it for a little while longer but if it does not work, select a good formula. Check with the Weston Price Foundation if you are concerned about commercial formula ingredients. The Weston Price Foundation has a homemade formula. It's in my book "Nourishing Traditions."

If you are interested, I'd be only too happy to PM you the recipe. PM me if you like it so I won't overlook it in a thread. This is formula that is then bottle fed.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and bond with the baby.

[Jean in Newcastle]

You have a medical (nerve damage) and a PTSD reason to stop breastfeeding this baby.  Even if you didn't have that I still think there is no shame in not breastfeeding.  As someone else said, bonding with the baby is more important.   I did breastfeed despite a lot of pain but there were some unique medical reasons that the baby had that made it worth it's while for me (beyond the usual).  

[abba12]

Thank you all for your encouragement

 

I think I know what the right answer is for us, I have for a few days. I've just been too scared and guilty to accept it and switch. I've worked so hard with the last two babies to get breastfeeding working, I thought that was what I wanted, but now that it is 'working' in as much as food is being transferred, I feel kind of confused to discover it's apparently not what I wanted at all. I guess what I wanted was to really be able to breastfeed, normally and happily... I have to accept that that is probably something I can never have. Just one more life-long reminder of something I'd rather forget, as if my other physical issues weren't reminder enough. 

 

My midwife has been so encouragingly pro-breastfeeding and thinks I'm doing amazingly, I hope she reacts compassionately, she has been a big support the past couple of months and I will have to deal with her for another month after this, but I know she thinks I should be breastfeeding if I possibly can.

 

My goal, even when I thought it would go badly again, was to get to two weeks, because I do believe there is a significant health benefit in those first two weeks with colostrum and the early development of the intestines/tummy. I made that goal as of yesterday. DH and I had a long talk about this last night, and everyone in my immediate support network (DH, grandmother, close friend) supports me choosing to formula feed. I know baby will probably be fine on formula, both my other two thrived on goat milk formula. I just feel guilty settling for something less than ideal when I have the opportunity to give my baby something perfect instead. But it isn't perfect for us, not really... I just have to convince myself that it's ok to let it go.

[busymama7]

I would support any mom in your situation switching to bottle feeding. Hugs to you!

 

I do wonder though, if the feelings would come later. your hormones are still stabilizing after birth and maybe in a week or two you would feel better? Just maybe an idea to give yourself a deadline and keep it up until then. If you decided to go that route I would encourage nearly 24/7 skin to skin contact and maybe some herbs or essential oils known for balancing hormones.

 

Good luck to you mama! It really really is ok to feed your baby formula :)

[Catwoman]

My midwife has been so encouragingly pro-breastfeeding and thinks I'm doing amazingly, I hope she reacts compassionately, she has been a big support the past couple of months and I will have to deal with her for another month after this, but I know she thinks I should be breastfeeding if I possibly can.

 

My goal, even when I thought it would go badly again, was to get to two weeks, because I do believe there is a significant health benefit in those first two weeks with colostrum and the early development of the intestines/tummy. I made that goal as of yesterday. DH and I had a long talk about this last night, and everyone in my immediate support network (DH, grandmother, close friend) supports me choosing to formula feed.

Who cares what the midwife thinks?

 

Hopefully, she will be kind and supportive, but if she isn't, you have every right to calmly inform her that she can feed her own babies any way she likes, but she can't tell you how to feed yours. She isn't your dh. She isn't your mom or your grandmother. She isn't even your best friend, so don't give her opinion a second thought. If she's supportive, that's great, but if she isn't, so what? Don't give it a moment's worry! (And I'll bet she will be very nice about it, anyway!)

 

I think it's wonderful that your family is supportive, but I do wish you didn't feel so guilty about it. There is truly nothing to feel guilty about!

[eternalsummer]

I dunno, if your breastfeeding hormones never got to a good place with the other babies I don't see why it would be different with this one.  Mine have been the exact same with every baby (crappy).  

 

Sometimes you just have to accept that there is no perfect solution. :(  Imagine how much happier you will be, though - and how much happier your baby will be, feeling your positive energy 8 times a day instead of negative/worried/sad energy!  Happy babies are good :)

[Jennifer-72]

A piece of advice I heard at a baby shower many years ago was this: don't feel guilty if you can't or don't want to breast feed, only feel guilty if you don't feed the baby. That advice has always stuck with me, even for more the the original idea of nursing vs bottle feeding. Your baby is going to be lovingly cared for and nourished no matter the delivery method.

 

Hope you are able to feel at peace about the whole thing in short order.

[Aiden]

Every family has has the right to choose how to feed their babies--mom and dad should agree, but no one else's opinion matters. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Your older daughters were formula-fed, so you have evidence right in front of you that formula does not automatically result in unhealthy or unhappy children. However, since you are so conflicted, you may want to consider a compromise solution: pump twice a day, or three times, or however many times you decide is best. Feed your daughter breastmilk when you have it pumped already and formula when the milk isn't available. Your daughter will get most of the benefits of nursing, any negativity that is caused for you will be directed at the pump, and whenever you decide you're done (or your body decides you are done, as your supply most likely will decrease and eventually end) you can simply put the pump away.

 

I did something similar to that, though not by choice--my daughter never latched properly, and I never had much supply. I ended up pumping for six months and bottle feeding her a combination of milk and formula. It was difficult for me to pump so long because I was pumping after every feeding, trying to increase my supply, but if you just set times and pump then and only then, it should be less disruptive to your routine, though I would assume it may be emotionally difficult. Only you and your husband can decide if it's worth it.

 

In any case, you should not in any way feel ashamed or guilty for choosing to formula feed.

[Pawz4me]

I didn't breast feed either of mine and have zero guilt or regrets about it. Both of them were born long enough ago that breast feeding wasn't exactly the "in" thing it is now.  Sure some women did it, but it was much more the exception than the norm in this area.  I have a couple of friends who breast fed their kids for a week or two and then moved to formula.

 

I can't imagine that my boys could have been any healthier or smarter.  They very rarely get sick (their ped commented on that many times when they were younger).

 

No worries.

[Cammie]

Breast feeding was by far the HARDEST thing I ever had to do .  With DD I used a nipple shield for TWO YEARS - in spite of all the LLL warnings.  It was the only way I could bear the pain.

 

With DS I breast fed for a few weeks.  He was not interested.  It was a struggle.  I was working at the time.  It just added so much extra stress to our lives.

 

I don't feel guilty about it AT ALL. 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:  As you make your decision, remember to do what is right for YOU and YOUR Family, don't worry about other people.

[Pegs]

I have breastfed babies whose mothers were not able to, or chose not to for various reasons. Some women I've known with breastfeeding aversion have continued feeding; others have fed when they've felt ok about it, and used donor milk or ABM at other times; some have preferred to commit to a certain time frame only, at the beginning and end of every feed (eg, 2 minutes each side, feed with whatever alternative is being used, let baby suckle for another 20 seconds); some women can't feed their babes directly at their breasts, but can express at least a portion of the milk required; others have ceased lactation entirely, and use donor milk (expressed and/or directly at another woman's breasts), and/or powdered infant formula.

 

It doesn't have to be all or nothing (though it's so hard not to think in absolutes when emotions are running high!), and you don't need to make a decision right now. It sounds like you will be well supported in whatever you decide.

[aug17girl]

Who cares what the midwife thinks?

 

Hopefully, she will be kind and supportive, but if she isn't, you have every right to calmly inform her that she can feed her own babies any way she likes, but she can't tell you how to feed yours. She isn't your dh. She isn't your mom or your grandmother. She isn't even your best friend, so don't give her opinion a second thought. If she's supportive, that's great, but if she isn't, so what? Don't give it a moment's worry! (And I'll bet she will be very nice about it, anyway!)

 

I think it's wonderful that your family is supportive, but I do wish you didn't feel so guilty about it. There is truly nothing to feel guilty about!

 

Personally, when breastfeeding did not go according to plan with my first baby, I mourned.  My midwife was not supportive and that stung more than it should have. 

 

You know you are doing the right thing for you, and it is your choice to make.  Your midwife can have an opinion, but she doesn't get to judge you.  If she doesn't act compassionately, she is the one behaving badly.

 

 

 

[Heather in Neverland]

I did not breast feed my one birth child. I did not want to. I have my reasons and I could explain them to you. But explaining makes me feel like I have to justify my decision and I don't.

 

My baby. My choice. No regrets.

 

Your baby. Your choice. If anyone gives you lip about not breastfeeding just tell them... "Let's play a game called mind your own business. You go first."

 

Now get a bottle in that baby's mouth and start ENJOYING your new born! Congratulations!

[Mergath]

I could only breastfeed my daughter for a few weeks for a big list of medical reasons, and she turned out incredibly healthy.  Everyone says with great enthusiasm that bfing is best, but honestly?  With all the other factors that come into play, it doesn't really seem to make much of a difference in the end.  Being happy and bonding with your baby is so much more important than where the milk comes from.  Please don't feel bad.  :grouphug:

[Carrie12345]

Across 5 kids, I've had 5 very different breastfeeding (and formula feeding) experiences.

 

Yes, I do regret my decision to solely formula feed the first one, but my regrets are based on what I see as very stupid reasons.

 

With my last one, it was a nightmare.  He was dx'ed as failure to thrive until we discovered he had a milk protein intolerance.  During his hospital stay, he was put on elemental formula and I went to work clearing my system of animal milk and soy.  For nearly two weeks, I'd discover a milk/soy protein hidden in yet another thing I had eaten.  I was constantly mixing bottles, force feeding (nasty smelling/tasting) bottles, washing bottles, pumping and dumping, washing pumping equipment, consoling a miserable newborn, and trying to take care of 4 other kids.  Oh, and still trying to find things to feed myself. While also traveling 90 minutes each way to see a pediatric gastro every few days.  I was beyond frazzled and into serious depression territory. 

 

Letting go was probably one of the best things I've ever done for myself and my family.

 

Do I wish it could have been different? Yes.  Could I have stuck with it and made it work? Probably, but at a cost that was just way too high for everyone involved.

 

It is not the end of the world.  All my kids are great. Some have issues.  None of them match their feeding experiences.  I'm very pro-breastfeeding, but I'm even more pro-happy-families.

[lavender's green]

I think the pendulum has swung too far in the "breast is best" direction.  You really have to do what works for you and baby.  Baby will turn out just fine, especially if you're more able to bond with the bottle.

 

I'm pretty pro-breastfeeding.  But with my first baby, we were living in an area where we didn't know anyone, then when he was 3 months old we moved across the country to a new place where we didn't know anyone.  I was lonely.  Baby refused bottles because I hadn't been on top that of window of opportunity for introducing them.  It felt like I never, ever left the apartment.  We could never find a sitter.  I constantly had a baby attached to my boobs.  I....started resenting it.  My current nursling is more able to take a sippy cup, and we're settled in a neighborhood where we have friends and playdates, and old-fashioned date nights.  Honestly it improves our relationship for me to have a little freedom. 

[srs]

Not the same situation exactly, but I am in a very pro-extended breastfeeding community, and I chose to wean all three of my children right around their second birthday, because I was done. The relationship is more important than breastfeeding, period.

 

And with my first, those hormones took about four months before I felt anything but anxiety during letdown. I was shocked when I started feeling good. And that child turned out to have all sorts of issues and will be starting feeding therapy in two weeks. So you just never know.

 

Please, do what you need to do to enjoy your baby and bond. That is so much more important. No judgement here.

[Lucy in Australia]

I breastfed my boys till they were 18 months with no problems. 10 years later I had DD & merrily assumed all would be the same.  It was a nightmare (lots of reasons, however one was that I had older kids who needed me, too)  I know exactly what you mean about the guilt trip from the ads - I cried myself to sleep more nights than I should have.   She went onto formula at about 6 weeks. Now at age 4 1/2, she has turned out the be the healthiest & calmest of the three of them. Go figure.  While I know breast milk is great, I researched lots of info on nutrition & DD has had a good diet since she could eat solids so ... I say let's keep our perspective & remember that breastfeeding is not the magic bullet.  Your mental & emotional health at this stage is WAY too important so listen to DH & Grandma :grouphug:

[sunflowerlady]

Yes, I bottlefed my dd. I tried nursing while still in the hospital and she wasn't interested. We asked for a bottle of formula and she started drinking it right away. We happily never looked back. I took a picture of dh giving dd one her first bottles while still in the hospital. A tiny newborn on dad's lap being fed by him. My now teenage dd just posted that picture on FB in honor of Father's Day coming this weekend.  :)

 

Dd is perfectly healthy. She never had an ear infection until she was around ten years old. She is also quite smart if I do say so myself.

 

Also it was nice in those early weeks that dh could get up and feed the baby some too. We would take turns getting up for feeding. 

 

. :001_smile: Oh and I bonded just fine with dd.

[MomtoCandJ]

You at least tried, you shouldn't feel guilty.

[MercyA]

DH wants me to stop. He believes the benefits of breastfeeding are outweighed by the disadvantages in my situation, especially since many of the usual benefits apparently don't apply to me.

 

Listen to your husband, enjoy your new baby, and let go of the guilt.  :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[ktgrok]

hugs!

 

I thought this was going to be some kind of selfish thing, based on the title. Breastfeeding is best, all things being equal. All things in this case are NOT equal!  Past sexual abuse involving the breast is a VERY valid reason not to breastfeed. If the negative feelings are interfering in your relationship that is minor. Baby needs your love more than your milk. 

 

I'm a breastfeeding activist, and I've nursed two kids to three years old each, and am nursing a third, who is a toddler. I've never used formula. And yet, as a lactivist, I'm telling you, it's OK to switch. I think, personally, donor milk might be even better, but I know that may not be ok with you. That's a personal choice. But either way, baby needs you. You, not your milk. 

[JessReplanted]

Congratulations!!

 

If BF is not working for you, then it's not working.  It's OK, to stop!!

 

:grouphug:

[Cammie]

Can I just say, I am so proud to be a small part of this community of ladies (and a few gents.)  What wonderful, sensitive, kind and supportive answers!!

 

[Flowing Brook]

I am a midwife and wanted to say I am sorry that you feel uncomfortable talking to your midwife about this. It is not her job to judge your decision but rather to support you in whatever you decide to do.  I can't think of any reason you even have to tell her you decided to bottle feed.

Please don't feel guilty for choosing to bottle feed. The emotional aspect of this for both you and your baby is way more important than the physical. And I don't mean that you are compromising your babies physical well being by bottle feeding. There are plenty of healthy formulas out there that you can use.

:grouphug: to you as you deal with this. Congratulations on the new baby.

[maize]

Many, many babies thrive on formula. You've given your baby a great start, don't feel guilty about switching over.

 

This is coming from a mom who has been breastfeeding for most of the past decade, so obviously a fan of breastfeeding: if I were in your shoes, I would let it go. Give that baby your love, that's way more important than what kind of milk she is getting.

 

(((hugs)))

[fairfarmhand]

You ARE having physical issues with breastfeeding.

 

Your whole self is saying "I don't like this."

 

Stress hormones are going to physically beat you down.

 

I give you permission to stop. If anyone asks you give a vague. "I tried. I really did. It just didn't work out for me. "

[MotherGoose]

I chose not to.  Both of my children are happy, healthy, and smart!  Let us not forget that many (most?) of the longest-living, healthiest generation of people in the history of the world (Baby-boomers) were formula fed.  Do what's best for mommy, and baby will be fine.

[clarkacademy]

I nursed all 4 of mine and it was a great expierence that being said...... Do what makes you feel good and don't worry about what others think. They aren't raising your kids or paying your bills so it isn't their business. Everything will be fine I promise. Go bond with your baby the way that feels best to you really it is all gonna be OK and for anyone that tries to judge they can go suck an egg!!!!! :grouphug:

[mom2myboys]

:grouphug:

 

You need to do what is best for your family. Your needs count too. Please do not feel guilty for doing what is best for yourself and your family. You do not need to justify or rationalize your choice to anyone. Also, please consider not looking at it as "giving up". You are making a positive choice to nourish your baby in a way that also nourishes you and that is the best choice that you can make.  :grouphug:

 

 

[Rachel]

I want to echo the above responses, you don't have to breastfeed. Please don't be too hard on yourself. Your midwife may not be supportive and that's ok, professionals are there to offer guidance but ultimately parents have to make their own decisions for their children.

 

As far as bonding, I did not have that instant bond with any of my 3 children but I really struggled with bonding with my first. I expected to hold him and instantly fall in love, that didn't happen. I felt responsible for him and protective of him, but that connection was something I grew into over several months. He's 6 now and our bond is fine.

 

Hang in there!

[MFG]

Psychological pain is real pain. You don't need another excuse. Actually, you don't need an excuse at all. The right to bodily autonomy means you should not feel pressured into physical activities that cause you significant discomfort of any kind. And every Tom, Dick and Harry you meet does not deserve an explanation.

 

 

Let us not forget that many (most?) of the longest-living, healthiest generation of people in the history of the world (Baby-boomers) were formula fed.  

This is me. I grew up in the era of homemade formula and was feed a mixture of evaporated milk and Karo syrup. And lived to tell the tale!