Has anyone here ever *chosen* not to breastfeed even though they could?

[edelweiss]

I didn't breastfeed my children.  I didn't even try.  I knew that it was not something that I wanted to do, so I didn't.  If I were to have another child today, I wouldn't breastfeed that one either.  I have absolutely zero guilt or regret about it.  My children have been super healthy, and I can't imagine how we possibly could have bonded any more than we did.  I *loved* bottlefeeding my children.  It was such an enjoyable experience for me.

 

I hope that you can find peace with your decision and that you can let go of whatever guilt you have.  I'm so sad for you that these early days with your baby are so traumatic.  

[Hikin' Mama]

I am pro-breastfeeding, but I also think a woman can be a perfectly wonderful mommy and not breastfeed. Do what works best for you and your situation!

[BigMamaBird]

I attempted to  breastfeed my first child.  She weighed less at her 5 week check up than she did at birth.  Nursing was a train wreck, for both of us.  So I switched to the bottle with her and completely bottle fed all my other children.  I have not regretted it one bit.  They are all just as happy, healthy and bonded as the children of my breastfeeding friends.  

 

I support parents feeding their children however they choose.  

[flyingiguana]

You don't need excuses.  Nor do you need our validation.  It's your decision and nobody else's business.

 

Anyway, most of the "bf is best" studies are BS.  There are no double blind studies (nor should there be).  Without those, you can't separate out the effect of mothers who are doing the best they know how for their kids vs those who don't care.  Breastfeeding, in other words, even  if it is associated with "better" outcomes (whatever those are), is more likely just correlated with more responsible parenting overall.   If the advice was to not bf, you might see an association of better outcomes with formula feeding.

 

I didn't continue it because I found I was focusing entirely on that process instead of spending time with my baby.  And my husband was thrilled when I stopped, because it meant he got to feed the baby too.

[Catwoman]

I chose not to. Both of my children are happy, healthy, and smart! Let us not forget that many (most?) of the longest-living, healthiest generation of people in the history of the world (Baby-boomers) were formula fed. Do what's best for mommy, and baby will be fine.

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[Mom-ninja.]

I am very very pro-breastfeeding. I state that so you know where I'm coming from.

 

Breastfeeding is a two person relationship. Mom and baby. The bottom line is to remember is this: both people need to be happy and healthy to make breastfeeding work successfully. Mom needs to be happy and healthy just as much as the baby. Mom is just as important. If either mom or baby is not happy and healthy then something needs to change. The change depends on what mom decides.

 

Sometimes in life (often times) we have to let go of our idea of how things *ought* to be and accept how things are....and make the best decisions with our reality.

 

I've know women who fought through some pretty difficult obstacles and continued to breastfeed. I've known women who pumped exclusively for over a year so baby got breast milk. I've known women who chose to formula feed. Every single one of them did what they felt was the best way to achieve happy mommy and happy baby.

 

 

[ktgrok]

I don't know if this is what you are facing, but it is a real thing. Let it go :)

 

http://www.d-mer.org/

[OneStepAtATime]

You have had a lot of great posters telling you to work on bonding with your baby, not stressing over breastfeeding.  Just let that part go.  You have suffered enough and you and your child need a better path.  I agree wholeheartedly.

 

But I realize that you will probably still feel guilty and worry.  I thought I would mention something from the flip side of this coin, the long view, if you will.  I was never breastfed.  Not even for a couple of weeks.  Neither was DH.  We were formula fed and back when the formulas weren't nearly as good as they are today.   I am extremely close with my mother.  I love her very, very much.  Not breastfeeding didn't affect our relationship at all.  I HAVE had some health issues but those were all linked to genetic defects from one side of the family or the other, going back generations.   I made it all the way through college, had a great career, am homeschooling my own kids now and doing fine.  I am pro breastfeeding myself but I also know that not breastfeeding is not dooming your child to a horrible life and a short life span.  

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: Best wishes and huge hugs.  

[In2why]

Oh hun........How I hate the Mommywars at times like these.   Try not to feel guilty, you haven't failed at anything and you and your baby will be wonderful. 

 

I feel the same way about natural childbirth.  Great if Mommy's want to go that direction, but I wouldn't even entertain the idea and do not for one second feel like a mother who chooses natural is a better/stronger/or more loving mother.   Same with Breastfeeding.  I enjoyed breastfeeding and it was easy for me.  That doesn't make me a better mother than someone who chooses to use formula. 

[mommymilkies]

hugs!

 

I thought this was going to be some kind of selfish thing, based on the title. Breastfeeding is best, all things being equal. All things in this case are NOT equal!  Past sexual abuse involving the breast is a VERY valid reason not to breastfeed. If the negative feelings are interfering in your relationship that is minor. Baby needs your love more than your milk. 

 

I'm a breastfeeding activist, and I've nursed two kids to three years old each, and am nursing a third, who is a toddler. I've never used formula. And yet, as a lactivist, I'm telling you, it's OK to switch. I think, personally, donor milk might be even better, but I know that may not be ok with you. That's a personal choice. But either way, baby needs you. You, not your milk. 

:iagree:

[Mergath]

But I realize that you will probably still feel guilty and worry.  I thought I would mention something from the flip side of this coin, the long view, if you will.  I was never breastfed.  Not even for a couple of weeks.  Neither was DH.  We were formula fed and back when the formulas weren't nearly as good as they are today.   I am extremely close with my mother.  I love her very, very much.  Not breastfeeding didn't affect our relationship at all.  I HAVE had some health issues but those were all linked to genetic defects from one side of the family or the other, going back generations.   I made it all the way through college, had a great career, am homeschooling my own kids now and doing fine.  I am pro breastfeeding myself but I also know that not breastfeeding is not dooming your child to a horrible life and a short life span.  

 

:iagree:  I was exclusively breastfed well past a year old, and have so many health problems I almost need to bring a list to remember them all at doctors appointments.  Epilepsy, PCOS, depression, OCD, allergies...  Neither one is a magic bullet that will automatically cause or prevent health problems. 

[mommymilkies]

I FF both of mine.  With a lot of work, pain, and suffering maybe I could have figured out a way to BF, but I didn't want to go through that.  I do not feel guilty about it.  It's really nobody's business (not directed at you OP..just saying I don't need to justify my decision to anyone).

Exactly.  I'm obviously pro-bf (see my username).  But anyone who pressures or guilts you for FF or BF is just a jerk.  

[OneStepAtATime]

:iagree:  I was exclusively breastfed well past a year old, and have so many health problems I almost need to bring a list to remember them all at doctors appointments.  Epilepsy, PCOS, depression, OCD, allergies...  Neither one is a magic bullet that will automatically cause or prevent health problems. 

:iagree:    :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I FF both of mine.  With a lot of work, pain, and suffering maybe I could have figured out a way to BF, but I didn't want to go through that.  I do not feel guilty about it.  It's really nobody's business (not directed at you OP..just saying I don't need to justify my decision to anyone).

 

Yes.  It isn't anybody else's business.   With DD I ended up having to switch to formula after about 2 months (DS was a totally different ball of wax and I went much longer with him).  Details aren't necessary.  It happened.  But while breastfeeding past 6 months is not the norm for most around here there were times when total strangers who knew nothing of my specific situation felt it was their duty to lecture me and imply I was a selfish, ignorant mom when they saw me using formula.  It was really hurtful and I was already feeling bad about not being successful.  Thankfully, I had a lot of support among family, but those women really were out of line.  I cannot imagine being that arrogant and self-righteous.  

[PeacefulChaos]

Me.

I had no interest in it with my first. I was the first in my age group to have any children, and I knew very few women with babies - there were a few at church, but we didn't run in the same circles at the time. The only breast feeding mom I knew was a PSYCHO sil who I watched knowing I wanted to be NOTHING like her. (Totally serious, we now have no contact with them.) There were a few people who tried to encourage me to do it, one of which was my fil (??) ... The others all tried using stupid arguments for it, like how fast I'd lose the weight (who cares? I was completely unconcerned about that) or 'statistics' about how my baby would be more musical or have a higher iq.

In short, they were stupid about it. Sorry, but I'm not going to be swayed by stuff like that. Anecdotes and no solid reasons... No thanks.

 

With my second, I didn't because I hadn't with my first. People said stupid stuff (again) and now they threw in bonding, which I still find laughable.

 

I did consider it about 2-3 days after I had my last, because she was in the NICU. The nurses and doctors told me I was free to do as I pleased and they would help me along the way, but I would still need to get up every couple hours during the night and pump as if I had a newborn at home, and I needed to start immediately, since it was a little late in the game. Talking with them and dh I decided it would be too much - I was already recovering from my third c section, which had included a tubal as well as cyst and scar tissue removal, and was driving 1.5 hours each way every day to see Pink in the hospital and still be present with my boys at home a little bit.

 

So I never did. I won't be having any more children, but if I did I would consider it.

 

Oh and get this: I was never told of the health benefits of breast feeding until I was pregnant with Pink.

[Jennifer132]

I didn't read the replies, so take this for what it's worth. I had a friend who felt like she had to bf because breast is best, but she knew she would hate it. So she tried it. And she was right, she hated it. She said she felt like an animal, claustrophobic, and that she wasn't bonding. She stuck it out for 9 weeks. Then she quit. For her it was the best choice because it didn't feel right to her, and no matter what she did, it wasn't going to change. So I say, unless you have a child with major health issues who wouldn't do well on formula, feel the freedom to quit. My only caution would be that if you do quit, and end up feeling guilty all year, then are you really better off quitting than staying with it and feeling what you are feeling now? Only you can judge that. Good luck, these are hard decisions.

[Barb_]

I hope you feel validated by all the support on this thread. I breastfed for 20 plus years but I would never presume to tell anyone she is wrong for doing otherwise. I would have done the same given your circumstances.

[6packofun]

I *could* have, even though ds1 had trouble latching on.  I hated it.  I hated the lactation consultant grabbing my boob to "teach" me how to do it.  Didn't like it at all and I wanted to share feeding duties with dh, so I never breastfed.  I hope my daughters give it a whirl and it works for them because it's the best nutritional option, but I also don't think it's a huge deal not to.  *shrug* 

 

I've gotten SO used to the lip service people give to the idea of "whatever is best for you!" while second-guessing or even subtly deriding your actual choice.  LOL  ;)

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:  :grouphug: Do what works best for your family.   I pumped.  Never to the breast.  Both babies were too small and I wanted to see what they were getting.  I can't tell you how many times for the first year I would hear "Aren't you going to try putting them on the breast?" "When they latch on it will help with the milk production." (That may be true, but I was producing enough so what did it matter?) " It is so much better and easier for you" from nurses.  No, sorry.  It wasn't easier for me.  I liked the routine I had with pumping. I liked that I could see what my babies had eated.  I liked that my dh could help.  I liked that my older could help feed the younger.  I could never figure out why when something was working for me, the nurses wouldn't just lay. off.   I concur with everyone who said do what works for your family and yourself.  Everyone is different.  I was never happier than when my babies were a year old.  No one asks you that after a year.  It is on to nagging about other things ;)

[Catwoman]

Well, guess who ran out of likes again? :glare:

 

I wanted to like every single post on this thread. :)

 

I think it's so wonderful that every single person who has posted here has been 100% supportive of abba12, and no matter what their own personal beliefs are about breastfeeding, they've told her that she should do whatever is best for her, and that no one has the right to judge her for it.

 

I know this topic can get pretty heated at times, but in this case, when it's about one WTMer with a personal dilemma, everyone has been so nice and so considerate of her situation and her feelings.

 

You guys rock! :hurray:

[OneStepAtATime]

Well, guess who ran out of likes again? :glare:

 

I wanted to like every single post on this thread. :)

 

I think it's so wonderful that every single person who has posted here has been 100% supportive of abba12, and no matter what their own personal beliefs are about breastfeeding, they've told her that she should do whatever is best for her, and that no one has the right to judge her for it.

 

I know this topic can get pretty heated at times, but in this case, when it's about one WTMer with a personal dilemma, everyone has been so nice and so considerate of her situation and her feelings.

 

You guys rock! :hurray:

 

I agree.  Honestly, I have tears in my eyes and I am so happy that so many pitched in to help abba12.  Catwoman, you are right, this is a really hot topic.  And everyone was respectful and supportive.

 

:hurray:

 

Hugs, OP.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

And yep, ran out of likes long ago...

[Ohdanigirl]

I think your husband makes a valid point, and it is wonderful that he is looking out for you. Please, please, please, do what you feel is best for you. Nursing your baby is not the only way to bond. I would guess that if you are unhappy nursing, that could actually hinder the bonding. Don't force yourself to do something that makes you unhappy. Consider your previous experiences and ask yourself, "Is there less of a bond because I did not nurse my first two?" I am willing to bet that is not the case.

 

I have four boys. The first two were only nursed a short amount of time, hike the second two were nursed full time. My oldest bonded just fine.

 

Whatever you do, don't feel guilty. What is best for you, will be what is best for your child. Your baby wants a happy, healthy mommy. Congratulations on your growing family.

[FO4UR]

I'm pro-breastfeeding as well, and will  :iagree:  with those who encourage you to just feed the baby in a way that is HAPPY and healthy for everyone.  Formula was created, and is continually being improved just for MotherBabies like you.  

 

 

I have had my own share of issues with feeding, which I will also not justify (Love that!  MYOB is perfect!), and FF has it's definite perks.  Enjoy the baby.  Enjoy bonding the way YOU bond with your babes.  Don't let anyone steal the JOY of holding your babies away from you!!!!!  

 

 

 

 

[Mommyof4ks]

Let go of the guilt and switch to formula. My formula fed baby is healthier than my two BFed babies, and now that I am fostering and have only formula to offer I am seeing that there is simply no difference in growth and development or bonding. I am just as bonded to my soon to be adopted son as I was to my BFed biological sons. The key is the closeness and snuggles, not where the milk comes from. Hugs to you. You have been through more than most of us can even imagine, and you do not need this added stress when there are perfectly good alternatives to make sure your baby thrives.

[Guest]

Abba, I have not read any replies yet, because I did not want it to influence my thoughts.

 

IMO, you are not a candidate for continuing to bf. even though you "can" in the physical sense, you CANNOT in the emotional sense. Especially as you have the support of DH (and I agree with his analogy). It is more important to be emotionally healthy and not dreading nursing her, than to nurse her but feel such confused and unhappy emotions. There is no law that says you have to bf, just as there is no law that says you have to buy organic veggies if you possibly can.

 

You don't say how old you are, but

I imagine you are rather young. Older moms are less likely to feel pressure from others in what they do their babies. I see it was like this for myself and I've seen it with other mothers, too. The other mothers at the park or the pool or wherever do not live YOUR reality. So they do not know your history or your emotions.

 

I say all this though I bf my babies and am very much an advocate for bfing. I did not have your experiences bfing. I was sad when it was over and have literally dreamt of bfing a baby! ;)

 

I really think you should go with formula and, if you get snotty comments, tell them to stuff it.

 

Off to read replies.

[Reefgazer]

Me; I just didn't feel like it.  In retrospect, I realize it is because I am not a good person when I am sleep-deprived and I had no illusions that I would be getting any rest at all if I breast-fed.  By not breastfeeding, I knew other people could take that job from me and I would be able to dispense with the worry of pumping and trying to get sleep.  I don't feel guilty, and you shouldn't either.  I really resented the breastfeeding Nazis pressuring me, and their tactics wound up making it far less likely that I would even listen to their spiel, let alone actually breastfeed.

[Forget-Me-Not]

I am very pro-BF, but I agree with others: if you are having this much distress, it's ok to quit. We are fortunate to have a clean water supply and baby formula and your whole family, baby included, need mom well and healthy first and foremost!

 

I am in no way pressuring you to continue--however, I will say that I didn't love breastfeeding with any of my newborns. Newborns are hard work and many of them want to camp out and nurse almost constantly. It is exhausting. Things always got much better for me after the 6 week mark. We sort of both relaxed and worked out a breastfeeding "choreography" and the baby wasn't nursing every hour of the day and night. Again, no pressure! I'm just throwing that out so that you have some hope if you decide you do want to hang in with it a little longer.

[Reefgazer]

Everything is a choice.  If you don't want to breastfeed, then don't.  All the studies and recommendations are based on correlation studies, not cause and effect, because it would be medically unethical to set up a blind study where some babies were assigned what is perceived to be a "better" feeding method and others to what is perceived to be a "worse" feeding method.  So you will never find any cause and effect studies in a peer-reviewed medical journal for this reason, only correlation studies.  The exception to this are studies performed on babies in countries where sanitation is lacking, and even in those studies, it is impossible to tease out the magnitude of the effect of non-feeding factors.  Stop sweating it, give her a bottle, and enjoy the baby.  It stuns and saddens me that mothers feel pressured into feeding their children the way society demands.

This is not a JAWM, I want to hear multiple sides, as long as they are stated kindly with consideration. We all know how heated breastfeeding can get as a topic, and I am well aware some people would consider me very selfish, to put it kindly. I am trying to do the best for me and my baby, as, I'm guessing, is anyone who replies to this thread with their own stories, so can both sides please keep the snark out? Thank you

 

I have a rocky history with breastfeeding. With my first, it HURT. Immensely. I saw lactation consultants who, essentially, said that everything was fine, baby, latch and breast were perfect, and baby was getting food so I just needed to push through the pain and hope it would go away. I was specifically told not to use a nipple shield, and when I tried to express I had no luck at all (one LC had me pumping every hour and a half during the day and every 3 hours at night for 3 days to try and boost my supply. I never expressed more than 20ml in a sitting and all we achieved was leaving me absolutely exhausted, sleep deprived, and feeling like crap emotionally). I gave up at 2 weeks when I decided that it was better to have a formula fed baby who was happy and secure with a mummy who was bonding with her, than a breastfed baby who cried every time mummy held her because she could smell milk but couldn't get it (I wasn't letting down properly) and who's mummy cried every time baby woke up, dreading feeding her. 

 

After that experience I researched and learnt a lot. I discovered that I have nerve damage to my nipples as a result of past sexual abuse. I also was not letting down easily because of the emotional issues I was having while feeding. On top of that, baby was very impatient, there were no 'early hunger signs', it was either sleeping or screaming, so she would fuss terribly at the breast, and I believe, though can't confirm, that she was running her tongue back and forth as she sucked, causing a type of friction burn (we saw her doing this with the bottle and spoke to another woman who's baby was the same). All of these issues aggravated the others, any one on it's own might have been managed but, together, my milk began drying up before it had even properly come in.

 

So I went into the next pregnancy much more prepared (and much more bitter about supposed 'lactation consultants' who never suggested any of the issues listed). It was just as painful until I began using nipple shields, which helped immensely, though never completely took the pain away. Baby was just as impatient as her sister, and on top of that she wanted to comfort suck, which I just could not let her do because it would increase the pain. Nonetheless, we managed for 6 weeks until the lactation consultant I had been seeing (the one who finally said it was ok to use the shields) said she was sucking badly, she wasn't gaining enough weight, and told me I needed to supplement with one bottle a day. Well after the first day she refused the next feed, the second day she wouldn't feed the entire night after the bottle, and the third day she refused the breast completely. Had I not had any other issues I'm sure I could have done things to improve the situation and get her latching again, but since I was also struggling emotionally and physically, and my milk seemed to be drying up, I decided to let it be and switch to formula again. (btw, her 'sucking badly' got us a referral to a speech therapist, who was very confused because baby's suck was perfect when we saw her. That's about the point I decided to give up on LCs altogether)

 

Finally, I gave birth two weeks ago. I refused any 'help' from the LCs. I began using shields as soon as my milk came in, and I was blessed with a baby who, finally, had some patience! This baby feeds like a trooper, perfect latch and great temperament, doesn't comfort suck too much, but will take a full feed in a sitting. I actually have oversupply issues instead of undersupply! I will have to use shields the whole time, I tried a single feed without them a couple of days ago and was in pain for every feed the next day, but with the shields on the pain is mild. I'm even letting down fairly well.

 

And yet... I hate it. I know part of my feelings stem from the past abuse I have suffered (and yes I have had therapy, including specifically addressing the trauma and breastfeeding with my second) but I HATE breastfeeding. It's not pleasant and snuggly, I don't feel happy hormones, I hate it. And what concerns me more is that I am not bonding with my baby at all. It happened with both previous babies, I didn't bond well until they went onto formula, I just assumed it was the pain and triggers, but I am not in pain this time, and I still feel very little connection to baby (no other signs of PPD, it's just a bonding issue). I am so emotionally drained from the act of feeding her that I don't want anything to do with her, or to be anywhere near her, when I am not having to feed her. I'd guess it's, again, due to the connection with the past abuse. My PTSD has also flared up, more nightmares, more flashbacks, more moody. (baby is safe and stimulated, I might not feel like interacting with her but I do force myself to do so anyway, and DDs/DH help out a lot in filling those needs during this period, there's no 'risk' here as such)

 

I want to bond with my baby, I am so upset that I feel this same detachment, I don't want to spend the next year feeling that detachment for the sake of breastfeeding, and I am not convinced it is healthy for baby either. I think that initial bonding is really important. 

 

But I feel like, because I am finally capable of breastfeeding successfully, I am trapped. I have no choice but to breastfeed because 'breast is best' and all that pressure. I find myself actually wishing the pain would return so I would have an excuse to stop, but it isn't... I don't know if I could cope with the judgment I would receive for bottle feeding, especially since, this time, saying 'I was physically unable to' would be a lie. (Australia is quite different when it comes to babies, and, in the area I live at least, breastfeeding is definitely considered the norm)

 

DH wants me to stop. He believes the benefits of breastfeeding are outweighed by the disadvantages in my situation, especially since many of the usual benefits apparently don't apply to me. In fact the ONLY benefit that still has any merit in my case is purely nutritional, since the hormonal effects are obviously out of whack. Is that more important than bonding emotionally with baby? Or my mental health? Or just the ability to choose not to do something that I find extremely unpleasant and upsetting? DH compares it to choosing to buy conventional produce even though we know organic is better. He doesn't consider formula to be 'bad', just 'less than ideal' and continues to remind me that sometimes less than ideal is better than perfect when the sacrifice to get perfect is too high. He completely acknowledges breast is best, he just argues that formula is more like conventional produce than junk food, not bad, just 'less than'. My primary support, my grandmother, is of the same opinion.

 

Like I said, breastfeeding is very normal here, and as a result, I have NEVER known ANYONE who chose to formula feed (I also don't know anyone who went back to work after 6 weeks, which probably plays some part in it, all the mums I know took at least 6 months or stayed home, removing that hurdle). Every formula using mum I know did so because of problems which arose (now, some of those problems could certainly have been fixed with more education/support, but it was still a better reason than 'I don't want to'). On the other hand, I have met numerous women who talk about how hard, or even at times how painful, breastfeeding was for them but they did it anyway (trying to encourage me to 'keep strong' for the sake of my baby). I feel so guilty even considering not breastfeeding when I have the option and ability to do so that I actually feel sick about it. Especially when I know women who breastfed for a year or more despite issues/discomfort. But when I think of doing this for another year, I feel sick at that thought as well. I guess I'm just not as strong as those women, or maybe I'm just selfish, but I don't WANT to sacrifice myself in that way. And yet, I feel like I don't have a choice, because formula should be a last resort, not a choice, right?

 

Has anyone here chosen to formula feed despite being able to breastfeed? Why? Did it turn out to be the right choice for you? Would anyone like to give an argument for why it's worth persisting, or perhaps you chose to formula feed and regretted it? When even the advertisements for formula are telling me I should be breastfeeding (they are required to state breast is best on all marketing here) it's awfully hard to shake the guilt and shame that I might be permanently harming my baby by choosing to formula feed for my own comfort. On the other hand, I might be permanently harming her by not bonding properly with her and meeting those emotional needs that are so important in the first year of life for developing the way their brains think about people and emotions. No matter what I do I end up losing. I know the blame for that rests with the people who committed the sexual abuse against me, but I just end up blaming myself for not being good enough and not having recovered enough to cope instead.

 

[Sara R]

I loved breastfeeding despite a few problems, but that was because it worked for me and my family. If my circumstances had been yours, I would have quit. "Breast is best" only with all other things being equal, which they definitely are not in your situation.

 

Fearless Formula Feeder is a good support resource for people like you who feel the pressure to breastfeed, but it's not a good choice for you and your family.

[HS Mom in NC]

Yes, I relactated for my adopted child after nursing my older two until they were 5 years old and 4.5 year old but didn't continue to nurse or pump for her.

 

When she arrived in the US at 7 months old, she was very traumatized and had all the behaviors that went with that.  I could have taken the time to teach her how to nurse (people do this frequently) it was simply not worth it to me to add that to her transition.  There are plenty of adoptive moms who managed it and it is very possible we could have too, but I chose not to do that or to pump.  It's a much more challenging but doable situation to pump having not been pregnant and having a child not nursing at all during the day, but I didn't feel up to it so I didn't.  I know it will increase her chances of many different illnesses at different times, but I don't feel any guilt about it considering the different factors involved.  Most illnesses that are more frequent among bottle fed children can be treated in a modern society.

[HS Mom in NC]

For the record, the only lactation consultant anyone should listen to is an IBCLC Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant.  Anyone without that certification is unqualified no matter what title a hospital or birth center gives them.

[abba12]

Thank you all so much for so many supportive words. I'm disappointed, and I think it's going to take some time to accept it, not because I am so stuck in the idea of breastfeeding but because it's hard for me to accept and be ok with the fact that what was done to me has resulted in being unable to do certain 'normal' things even now, many years after the abuse ended. Maybe that's part of why I've been feeling so guilty, because for as long as I was focusing on myself and guilt I was focused on me being in control and I could ignore the underlying cause and emotions. I hate that those people had so much power and could do so much damage. It makes me feel pretty helpless when I am unable to do something, through no fault of my own, because of what someone else did. It's one more choice which was taken away from me, and that just opens old wounds. I dealt with this when the pain stopped me from feeding, but it's a new set of emotions now that I have to accept that, even without the pain, it's probably not going to be an option for me now or in the future, that the damage they did was bigger than just nerve damage.  I want to fight it, part of me wants to breastfeed to prove they didn't hurt me that badly and that I am in control and I can do whatever I want despite their actions, so I can pretend what happened doesn't have any control over my life now! But, this time, at least right now, it's not best for me or for my family to fight this. I need to accept it, breastfeeding is not the best option for me because of my past and that is ok. I just don't want to. 

 

But that's a separate issue really. Whether it was breastfeeding or something else, the issue there is one of choice and having control of my own body/life. That makes a lot of sense to me now, and probably explains why I felt so much resentment towards baby. Now I've acknowledged that I can work through it separately. (sorry about all this psychological stuff, this is how I tend to process things, I talk them through like this)

 

To that end, thank you all for letting me know it's ok to do what's best in the big picture, for me, baby and my family, instead of focusing on a single aspect of the decision. I already have bottles and formula ready since, originally, we never expected BFing to actually work this time. I think we will be switching this weekend (though, I think I developed mastitis during the night, so I will probably have to continue until that begins to clear since I don't express very well, ugh)

 

Thank you all for letting me have this space to work through what was going on in my head. I might not feel 'better' exactly, but at least I understand what I am feeling and can make the decision I need to for myself and my family now. And *most* of the guilt is gone for now.

[QuirkyKapers]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:   Maybe it would be helpful to think about it this way.  Each time you have tried bfing you have gotten further than the time before.  You are making progress.  You are dealing with the emotional stuff that is there.  Good work!  I find that when I can find out what's behind something, I can start to work through it better.  Sometimes it takes several goes at it before it is worked through.  Other times, well, it is just like an onion, there is layer after layer to go through.  Some things I won't be able to walk totally away from, but the onion will have less layers!

[Guest]

My heart goes out to you, abba. You are a good woman and stronger than you know.

[OneStepAtATime]

Thank you all so much for so many supportive words. I'm disappointed, and I think it's going to take some time to accept it, not because I am so stuck in the idea of breastfeeding but because it's hard for me to accept and be ok with the fact that what was done to me has resulted in being unable to do certain 'normal' things even now, many years after the abuse ended. Maybe that's part of why I've been feeling so guilty, because for as long as I was focusing on myself and guilt I was focused on me being in control and I could ignore the underlying cause and emotions. I hate that those people had so much power and could do so much damage. It makes me feel pretty helpless when I am unable to do something, through no fault of my own, because of what someone else did. It's one more choice which was taken away from me, and that just opens old wounds. I dealt with this when the pain stopped me from feeding, but it's a new set of emotions now that I have to accept that, even without the pain, it's probably not going to be an option for me now or in the future, that the damage they did was bigger than just nerve damage.  I want to fight it, part of me wants to breastfeed to prove they didn't hurt me that badly and that I am in control and I can do whatever I want despite their actions, so I can pretend what happened doesn't have any control over my life now! But, this time, at least right now, it's not best for me or for my family to fight this. I need to accept it, breastfeeding is not the best option for me because of my past and that is ok. I just don't want to. 

 

But that's a separate issue really. Whether it was breastfeeding or something else, the issue there is one of choice and having control of my own body/life. That makes a lot of sense to me now, and probably explains why I felt so much resentment towards baby. Now I've acknowledged that I can work through it separately. (sorry about all this psychological stuff, this is how I tend to process things, I talk them through like this)

 

To that end, thank you all for letting me know it's ok to do what's best in the big picture, for me, baby and my family, instead of focusing on a single aspect of the decision. I already have bottles and formula ready since, originally, we never expected BFing to actually work this time. I think we will be switching this weekend (though, I think I developed mastitis during the night, so I will probably have to continue until that begins to clear since I don't express very well, ugh)

 

Thank you all for letting me have this space to work through what was going on in my head. I might not feel 'better' exactly, but at least I understand what I am feeling and can make the decision I need to for myself and my family now. And *most* of the guilt is gone for now.

Quill is right, you are stronger than you know.  Others might not even have kept going at all, with anything, not just trying to breast feed.  Huge hugs and best wishes.

[Luckymama]

Abba, I want to congratulate you on your new sweetie--I didn't realize you were expecting. Enjoy the baby snuggles and that lovely back-of-the-neck baby smell :)

[Truscifi]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm glad you have made a decision and are working through it. I hope the mastitis clears soon and you are able to start enjoying your new baby more.

[Valley Girl]

Another strong advocate of breastfeeding here with my two cents. YOU matter, too. Your baby will be fine and healthy if you formula-feed. Remind yourself that you done everything you could and worked through some major obstacles (above and beyond in my opinion). It is OK to say "I just can't/don't want to anymore." Give your baby the formula and enjoy this precious time with your newborn. In the long run, that is much more important.