my husband might have cancer and I'm scared to death! - UPDATE IN POST #89 (ALL GOOD!!)

[HeatherL]

I have nowhere else to talk about this.  We don't want to talk to people IRL yet because right now we really don't know anything.  My DH has had a golf ball size lump on his neck for the last month or so.  He went to the doctor when it first showed up and the doctor wasn't really concerned, told him it was just inflamed lymph nodes from a sore neck and gave him muscle relaxers.  My DH hasn't mentioned it since so I thought it had gone away.  A few days ago he told me he was a little concerned because the lump was still there.  It's been 6 weeks!  So I told him we had to get an appointment NOW and with a new doctor.  A new office tied to our newish hospital just opened and he was able to get in to a doctor the same day (yesterday).  I researched on line, knew what it "could" be, but was still just hoping the doctor would say infection, large cyst...   but no... the doctor is very concerned.  They talked about cancer.  He felt two things one very movable, one very hard.  Sent him straight to the lab and now we wait for results.  He also already gave him the referral paperwork to see a surgeon, but wants him to wait and call after the blood tests come back.

 

I'm just so scared!!!  My mom died of breast cancer ten years ago when I was 26.  6  WEEKS AFTER HER DIAGNOSIS!  I just keep replaying it all in head.  He's my best friend!  I have no one else but him.  We have 2 young kids (almost 7 and 2) and I can't picture my life without him.  I know we really don't know anything yet, but having gone through this ten years ago and I can't get my head out of that place.

 

Thanks for listening.  I just can't turn to any friends yet till we know what we are dealing with.

[G5052]

One...day...at...a...time.

 

Sometimes the doctors are wrong, so just hang tight.  I've been there.

 

:grouphug:

[Amy in TX]

Lots of hugs.  Breathe.  I know how scared you are, but you don't know anything yet.  Don't replay your mom's experience in your mind--this is not that.  Lots more hugs!

[trlt]

I would try really hard not to panic. My oldest son had a lump in his neck and I completely panicked. They tested it and it was nothing but it didn't go away for many months. Just breathe and see what the tests show.

[Rachel]

I'm sorry.

[Seasider]

Even when the doctors are right, you can have the very best of outcomes. Be hopeful. Mr Seasider is entering his fifth year with no recurrence, to the admitted surprise of his physician.

 

You are in the most frightening stage. You will feel better once you have information and know exactly what you're dealing with.

 

Hugs and prayers.

[GSOchristie]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry!  How long do you have to wait on the bloodwork?  Praying for peace for you and your dh while you wait.  

[fractalgal]

I'm sorry.  Now that it's been found, it can be dealt with.

 

Hugs to you.

[Ohdanigirl]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  I am so sorry for what you are going through.  Please know you will all be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[HollyDay]

This is very scary for you right now.  Breathe.  My dh had a lump removed a couple months ago.  I was also very concerned.  In his case, it turned out fine.  But, I was losing sleep over it.  Try to stay off the internet.  It is full of info that may or may not apply to you. Concerve your energy and try not to worry.  Keep your thoughts occupied with other things.   If it is worst case, then you will need to be rested and ready to move onto the next step.  If it is best case, then you will have worried and stressed your body unnecessarily.  Believe me, I know it is hard to "just relax."  It used to make me so frustrated when someone would tell me to "just take it easy, get your mind on other things."  But that is about all you can do right now.  Don't front load with info that you might not need. 

[Laurie4b]

I am a cancer survivor and I would say two things: 1) Worst case scenario, if it's cancer, cancer is not an automatic death sentence. 2) There is nothing you can do right now, so you could try various coping mechanisms between now and when you hear. Distracting yourself can be helpful--when you're panicked, do something that takes in-the-moment concentration, or watch a movie you like, play Tetris,  or go to a Zumba class. (Exercise is really good for dispelling anxiety.) Journal about it if you can't distract yourself. If you are religious, write to God about it. (Keeps your mind from spinning that can happen while praying free form in your head.) Decide whether internet research is good for you or not. For some people, it helps them feel in control; for others, it plants several worst case scenarios in their heads and increases the fear.

[lavender's green]

:grouphug:  (Very inadequate, I know.)

 

Try not to get worked up over possibilities.  You don't know anything yet.  Just take things one moment at a time.  This sounds so very terrifying.  :grouphug:

[Happy]

Hang in there!

 

As someone said upthread...this is the worst part--the not knowing.

 

If they do say it's cancer, you'll get started on treatments. More and more treatments and knowledge these days.

 

Keep us posted!

 

[poppy]

P&PT for you. I sincerely hope it's nothing.  Good luck.

[LNC]

I will be praying for you all. Keep us updated please!

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest submarines]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[QueenCat]

:grouphug: Heather :grouphug:

[TechWife]

:grouphug:

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug:

[HeatherL]

Thank you so much everyone!  Your support and comments have meant so much to me this morning!  To answer the question about the test results, they said sometime next week :(  So it will be a long weekend, but we have 2 cub scout events to keep us busy.  And no matter what, I know we have options.  On the outside I keep telling my DH we'll get through it together and figure it all out, but inside it's so hard to shut out the "what ifs..."  But I'm trying!!

[elegantlion]

I am also a cancer survivor. It's hard to not panic until you get the results, but keep busy, try to not focus on it.  :grouphug:

[creekland]

Ditto what everyone else said - including the  :grouphug: .  Meanwhile, stay active.  IME, the worst time is the very beginning - when you are just learning about something.  It's all new and it has the potential to change life (not always for the "worst," but still there are changes).  Stay active, take care, and keep us updated.

 

How's HE doing with all of it?  

[AlmiraGulch]

My dad just had what sounds like the exact same thing, even in the same place.  They were quite concerned, did an MRI, a CT, labs, etc.

 

Turned out to be.....nothing.  It went away on it's own.

 

And like someone else said, worst case scenario is that it's cancer.  That does not always mean a death sentence.  My husband had Stage 4 melanoma 13 years ago, and he's completely healthy today.  From Stage 4 to healthy. It's not unusual.  Deep breaths.  Keep yourself busy.

[HeatherL]

How's HE doing with all of it?  

 

 

He is very scared.  Says he will do anything/everything to get healthy.  Is worried that I'll be mad at him, which I'm not/won't!  (that's tied to my mom's death, I've spent a long time mad at her, she waited at least 6 months after finding a huge lump to going to the doctor and then just curled into a ball after the diagnosis and just hoped everything would go away, didn't ask questions, didn't want standard chemo so her hair wouldn't fall out..., just sort of waited to die and did in 6 weeks)  To his face, I am strong, but he knows me too well!  I do know that this has to be about him and that is my top concern.  I just need to figure out how to get my self under control to give him my full support.

[Retired]

:grouphug:Deep Breath relax - I know the what ifs and not knowing are very scary.   I was in your shoes 16+years ago.   My dh had a similar path but it was his testicular.  I was pregnant with our 2nd child and completing my degree.  He ignored for a while and then told me about it when I was 4 week post partum.  I told him to go right to the doctor.   The blood test were ran we also waited a dang long week.  We were told it was cancer and surgery was scheduled 3 days later.   It was a scary bumpy ride.  I want lie to you.  I had a new born nursing a 3 1/2 year old and now a sick dh.  The surgery part was a the easy part.  The one hour drive to his treatments each day for months not so much.  It was a hard stressful time but the end of the story is my dh is now 50 (he was 34) during the cancer.  He has kept up with annual physical and no recurrence.  He has been in excellent health.  The idea of cancer is scary but it does not  always mean the end.  The advances in cancer treatment since my dh's is massive.   I've had others in my life since then with cancer and all of them are survivors. 

 

There wasn't much internet to research with so I didn't have all of that fueling the scare but I was a nurse so I had all types of reference of worse case stuff.

 

You and your family are in my prayers.  I wish that there was someone IRL to give you a hug and support you during the waiting.  I think you and your dh should just shut internet off and spend the evening talking about all your positives and happy stuff in your life.  Do a picnic in front of the TV with your kids watch Christmas movies or you and your dh watch your favorite movie or whatever stuff keeps your connected.     

 

 

 

 

[mytwomonkeys]

Hugs. Praying for you all.

[Kimberly in IN]

Praying for you and your family.

[Cosmos]

I just wanted to echo the stories of others who have been through this. My dh had a lump in his neck nearly 11 years ago. He went in after a month, expecting to be told it was nothing. A cancer diagnosis was a complete shock. He was only 29; our son was a toddler. It was very hard and very scary, but he is here all these years later in great health.

 

[Molly]

Praying for you all Heather.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Guest]

I am so sorry. Remember, the final word is not in yet. I'm sure because of losing your mother, it feels like death is the certain, always result of cancer, but it's not.  :grouphug:

[dirty ethel rackham]

:grouphug:   Breathe.  One day at a time.  Keep busy and distracted as worry will not change the results.  (Advice I need to follow myself on a daily basis.)  Praying for you and your family. 

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[littlebug42]

HUGS to you.  Also, stay away from google.  It can be your worst enemy in situations like this taking you to way too many worst case scenarios. 

[Joyofsixreboot]

(((Hugs)))) It is scary.  Breathe, pray and talk to us.  Wish I could hold your hand IRL.

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry you're going through this.   :grouphug:   I hope it turns out to be something benign.  Wishing you peace and strength as you wait to find out.  :grouphug:

[JustEm]

:grouphug: If I could give you a hug irl I would in a heartbeat. The unknown is horrible. I won't say don't play the 'what if...' game because there really is no avoiding it. I'm glad you have things to distract you this weekend.  That's about all you can do right now while you wait for the results.  I'll be praying for good news!

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'm so sorry. The wait for information is so awful. I don't have any advice beyond the excellent thoughts above, but I couldn't read and not send you  :grouphug:.

 

 

[J-rap]

There is still a good chance that it's nothing.  I was told I had cancer twice, but it wasn't.   Both my brother and my mother actually HAD cancer twice, and they are still healthy and just fine, no cancer at all.  For mother, it's been 40 years since her last cancer!

[unsinkable]

Heather,

 

I'll keep you all in my prayers! I hope they find out it's nothing!

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

Please try to stay calm until you find out the results.  I had a breast cancer scare about a year ago and thankfully it turned out to be nothing.  Find at least 1 person to talk to IRL and if you are a Christian spend lots of time in prayer.

[Terabith]

Praying.

[LMV]

We'll keep your husband, your family, and all of the physicians involved in our prayers.  

[Guest]

One...day...at...a...time.

 

Sometimes the doctors are wrong, so just hang tight.  I've been there.

 

:grouphug:

 

This.  Also...I absolutely believe in the power of prayer.  Hopefully this board will cover your family in prayer, and you will get the news that it was nothing.

[Mrs Mungo]

Sending love. I know that not knowing is one of the hardest phases is not knowing. But, try not to borrow trouble. You don't know what it is right now. If it is benign, great. If it is not benign, then you'll have a host of other other questions to be answered. Try not to panic. I really know the feeling.

[Carol in Cal.]

I have a friend who had that--it was thyroid cancer and she was about 30.  The oncologist told her that that is the very best kind of cancer to have because it is so curable.  She had the surgery and is fine, 10 years later, and the recoverty was easy also.

[ThatHomeschoolDad]

I am a cancer survivor and I would say two things: 1) Worst case scenario, if it's cancer, cancer is not an automatic death sentence. 2) There is nothing you can do right now, so you could try various coping mechanisms between now and when you hear. Distracting yourself can be helpful--when you're panicked, do something that takes in-the-moment concentration, or watch a movie you like, play Tetris,  or go to a Zumba class. (Exercise is really good for dispelling anxiety.) Journal about it if you can't distract yourself. If you are religious, write to God about it. (Keeps your mind from spinning that can happen while praying free form in your head.) Decide whether internet research is good for you or not. For some people, it helps them feel in control; for others, it plants several worst case scenarios in their heads and increases the fear.

 

:iagree:  :iagree:

 

I'm a Stage IV survivor (there is no stage V) going on three years, so yes, even "terminal" does not mean what it always used to mean.  The best three words are right from Martin Selligman -- Distance - Distract - Dispute.

 

Put distance between yourselves and the cancer -- go to the movies.  There's a snowstorm coming, so go to the supermarket (should be fun).  Change your location in some way.

 

Distraction does not mean lessening the importance of something; it means you don't need to devote 100% of your conscious ability to it right now.   Thinking of whipping together that 20-ingredient lasagna?  Do it.  Clean out the basement.  Whatever.  Think about 5 minutes into the future, max.

 

Dispute -- perhaps the most powerful, but also takes the most practice.  Argue with yourself, along the lines of "my mom died of cancer, yes, but maybe this is a different cancer, and we don't even know if it's cancer; but what if he dies?  How do you know if and when that will happen?  I don't, but...;  but how do you know when or if that will happen...."   It kinda goes on and on, and the goal is not necessarily to win the argument.  the goal is for the one side of your brain to get so fed up with the other side that you forget to worry for a while.

 

I'm not saying it's easy, which would be a bold faced lie.  I'm saying it's possible to live with, which is a whole 'nother kettle of fish.  I would also strongly encourage you to NOT go it alone.  Any good cancer center will have oncology social workers, and maybe a child life specialist.  Call them up.  It's not necessarily therapy, but a good onco social can really hook you up with even the basics, like child care and whatnot.  They are an under-utilized resource.  If there's a Gilda's Club or Wellness Community near you, call them.  There are a ton of resources just waiting to be uncovered.

 

Oh, and chocolate.  Gotta have that.  Maybe fudge, too. 

 

You can do this.

[Debbi in Texas]

I have been where you are. 17 years ago this Christmas, dh showed a lump on the back of his neck to his aunt, a pharmacist. She said probably nothing, next time you go to the dr have them look at it.

 

Less than 2 weeks later we learned it was chronic leukemia. But, he is still here and healthy.

 

Please update as soon as you can. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

 

Debbi

[GinaPagnato]

I'm a breast cancer survivor, and I concur with all of the above comments. This is the WORST stage of all. For me, once I knew what I was dealing with, I could take the gloves off and fight like mad to kick cancer's butt. It was the beginning, waiting for test results, anticipating a diagnosis, dealing with the unknown that just about put me over the edge.

 

Pour yourself into those cub scout events this weekend like never before. Be crazy cub scout Mom, bake stuff, go on a walk, find an indoor pool and take the kids swimming. With kids as young as yours, that should be an all day production and completely wear you out.  :001_smile: 

 

It's hard to think how you'll get through the weekend, and then next week. But somehow, you will. And you'll get through the next step, and the next, and the next. And remind yourself, there's nothing to fear since first of all, you don't know if it's anything bad. And second of all, every cancer is different, every patient is different, and every outcome is different.

 

I'll be praying for good news and a super boring outcome.  :grouphug: