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A challenge to parents of teens....ask them this question and post their honest answer

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Periodically, I ask my kids this question "What do you wish I would do different as a parent".  Over the years I have had many different replies from 'nothing, your a good mom' to some heart felt "I feel like you expect me to be perfect".  Sometimes their answers have led to some major revelations and changes in our relationships....so far always for the better. Often, I ask them the question and then check in with them later after they have a chance to think about it. 

 

 

This led me to wonder what other kids would come up with.  So I offer up this challenge to you.  Ask them the question and post the answer. 

 

DD15s response from a couple of days ago.  

Be a bit more flexible on the rules and continue to be supportive.  She has a boyfriend, and while I don't usually have a lot of rules in my house, there are more 'clearly defined boundaries' right now that usual. I asked her where she would like me to be more flexible and she couldn't think of a specific, but said she would let me know when she thought of it.  .....LOL, I figure it must not be too bad if she couldn't remember.  :0)

 

DS19 -- his standing answer the past few times I have asked him

Nothing.  You are a good mom.

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RoughCollie

RoughCollie

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DS3, 19, said he doesn't want me to do anything differently.

 

DS2, 19, said he would have to think about it for several hours, and then write a report of his criticisms.

 

DD, 18, asked me if I got the question from my message boards.  I said yes.  She said I could make things for dinner that she can eat. (She means that she *will* eat.)

 

DS1, 19, said he would need time to think about it, otherwise he doesn't know.

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Joker

Joker

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13 year dd said she wished we had her try more sports and activities when younger. The funny thing is that we did and she never liked them. She seems to have very selective memory. Hopefully one day it matches reality.

 

11 year old said we're awesome 'as is'.

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kroe1

kroe1

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I would never ask my kids that question. It is hard enough parenting teens without letting them know my insecurities. And, I would never want them to feel like they are in a position to critique mom. The only thing my teens need to understand about my parenting is, "he who hath the gold rules".

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Orthodox6

Orthodox6

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I have had this conversation with each of our children more than once over the years. I should not reveal personal details about my children by citing the responses. Always, though, the family grew closer as a result.  Not only do the parents learn more about being better parents, but the children learn more about being better children.

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CupOCoffee

CupOCoffee

Posted
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This is fantastic.  We all know that we have shortcomings as parents (as wives, as friends, as people in general; how can we NOT), and if dialogue is open, honest and respectful I am not afraid of asking my kids this.  Personally I would prefer to find out now rather than have them leave my home always wishing that Mom & Dad would have ______________.

 

Gonna do this tonight!

 

~coffee~

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kewb

kewb

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Ok, I asked my 15 year old last night what he thought I could do better:

 

1. Allow more candy.

2. Don't make him come home from his friends house right after it gets dark.  What do I think is going to happen to him in the 2 block walk from his friends house to ours? 

3. Buy more white pasta instead of whole wheat and do what my friend does-use a stick of salted butter per pound of pasta and toss before adding tomato sauce.

 

My 13 year old thought the candy idea was just great and that I should allow more sleepovers with her best friend.

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Jean in Newcastle

Jean in Newcastle

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I would never ask my kids that question. It is hard enough parenting teens without letting them know my insecurities. And, I would never want them to feel like they are in a position to critique mom. The only thing my teens need to understand about my parenting is, "he who hath the gold rules".

A good leader elicits feedback and open dialogue.  It doesn't have to involve insecurity or harsh critique or a tight hold on the money.  

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Tohru

Tohru

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I would never ask my kids that question. It is hard enough parenting teens without letting them know my insecurities. And, I would never want them to feel like they are in a position to critique mom. The only thing my teens need to understand about my parenting is, "he who hath the gold rules".

 

I completely agree with you, but wasn't quite sure how to word it. 

 

It seems strange to ask - especially after reading Generation iY and now realizing the epidemic of "adolesence" that lasts until the mid 30's, plus seeing the mentality and attitude of teens with "friend" parents.  It's an awkward position to put any child in, regardless of age. The key is to always be listening, then you wouldn't really have to ask.

 

However, I love these replies in which the teens are blank, confused or say that their parents are fine the way they are :)

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Tohru

Tohru

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A good leader elicits feedback and open dialogue.  It doesn't have to involve insecurity or harsh critique or a tight hold on the money.  

 

Yes, but parents aren't that category of leader.  They are parents.  There is a comfort and security knowing that the person driving knows which way to go, especially if you don't know where you are.

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swellmomma

swellmomma

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Yes, but parents aren't that category of leader.  They are parents.  There is a comfort and security knowing that the person driving knows which way to go, especially if you don't know where you are.

 

See my kids know "I got this" BUT they also know I am human, have never done this before and will make mistakes.  If I felt my kids would have nothing but harsh criticisms to say I would already know all the crap I was doing wrong anyway and wouldn't ask the question.  But when you have a close, loving relationship with your teens you don't have to fear a harsh critique from them.  I am not my kids friend, I am still their parent but I know the best way to make changes that speak right to them is to ask them what they wish was happening.  Yes sometimes it might be a negative response, but that's the nature of the beast and I would honestly rather have something negative pointed out and fix it than have that be something that negatively influences them right into adulthood.  For example, my kids know that they have full permission to let me know when they feel I need "happy pills".  See I suffer from PDD after my births and also from seasonal depression.  I can typically treat it naturally BUT sometimes that isn't enough and I slip further down without even realizing it.  My depression manifests as anger/agitation.  SO my kids know to speak up if they see me behaving that way more often than not, that it is time to go to the dr for "happy pills" aka antidepressants.  Without them feeling safe to be open with me I would not get help when needed because when you are in the middle of it you do not notice how you are affecting others.  Now this question is nothing compared to that, this question is a fun one to see if their is something they need.  I am glad my kids didn't have anything major to suggest, but if they did I would be greatful for the feedback.  Does that mean I would run out and instant change what they complained about? not necessarily, if they felt that what I did differently was change a rule like a curfew, or stop being a vegetarian or other such things no I would not.  If they requested, I play with them more, smile more, listen better etc I would actively try to improve those things because each of those speaks right to the relationship with them.  I am not their friend, I am their parent but that does not mean I am their benevolent dictator either. 

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Lawana

Lawana

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Posted

I would never ask my kids that question. It is hard enough parenting teens without letting them know my insecurities. And, I would never want them to feel like they are in a position to critique mom. The only thing my teens need to understand about my parenting is, "he who hath the gold rules".

Make no mistake, I do believe in parental authority. And I am sure you have much more relational ability than is reflected in this post, but to my parent who used the "he who hath the gold rules" as his almost exclusive right, my response was, "I don't want your gold, goodbye." And I left at 18.
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HRAAB

HRAAB

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Posted

DD 13 No. 1: "You could be a little calmer in the matter of missing items.  That's all."  (Missing school books and pencils are the bane of my existence.)

 

DD 13 No. 2:  "You're pretty good.  I can't think of anything."

 

I'll ask the 16 yr old when she gets home.

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HRAAB

HRAAB

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Posted

I would never ask my kids that question. It is hard enough parenting teens without letting them know my insecurities. And, I would never want them to feel like they are in a position to critique mom. The only thing my teens need to understand about my parenting is, "he who hath the gold rules".

 

If that is all my children understood about my parenting by the time they left home, I would consider my parenting an utter failure

 

I do have grown children - my oldest is married and a parent herself - so I do feel I have some experience in raising responsible, ethical, hard working adults.

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T'smom

T'smom

Posted
Posted

Ok, I asked my 15 year old last night what he thought I could do better:

 

1. Allow more candy.

2. Don't make him come home from his friends house right after it gets dark. What do I think is going to happen to him in the 2 block walk from his friends house to ours?

3. Buy more white pasta instead of whole wheat and do what my friend does-use a stick of salted butter per pound of pasta and toss before adding tomato sauce.

 

My 13 year old thought the candy idea was just great and that I should allow more sleepovers with her best friend.

A whole stick of salted butter?!?!?! That is an awful lot of butter!!

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Lady Florida.

Lady Florida.

Posted
Posted

Ds is 16 - "Believe that I'm going to make the right decisions." (I worry about him making impulsive choices due to his raging adhd.)

 

We've actually had this discussion more than once. To him it means I don't trust him. I do trust him, I just worry that his impulse control won't always be there when he needs it. We're both getting better though, and talking about it helps. I can't imagine not allowing him to voice his concerns, or thinking that because his dad and I control the money, he has no say in anything. 

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bolt.

bolt.

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So, the answers are basically: tasty food, good communication (especially active listening, compassion, affection, and trust), and a touch of screen time and/or recreational equipment?

 

Who knew that's all it takes to make teens happy! I thought you all said teens were going to be challenging!

 

I wonder what those who are concerned about the question are anticipating as a response.

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ThisIsTheDay

ThisIsTheDay

Posted
Posted

My 15yods said, "I think you should let me play any M rated video game." 

 

There are a few that he is allowed to play, but THIS is why he needs a mother.  Thanks for the heads up, now I know what I need to work on, why he should not be able to play any one that he wants.

 

Other than that, he said there was nothing.  :)

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dbmamaz

dbmamaz

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I asked again to clarify - he said he wished we had more money, but then i'd have to work and he couldnt home school . . i reminded him the question was specifically what would you want me to do differently as a parent . .. nothing?  He says he appreciates what he has

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Sparkle

Sparkle

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Posted

DS16: I wish we could go on more field trips. I like them.

 

DD13: I wish you would teach me to draw. Me: I can't draw! You already draw better than I do!  Her: Well, how about you crochet with me more? And can we play more board games? Me: Sounds good.

 

DD11: I can't think of anything.

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Dory

Dory

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My kids aren't really teenagers yet, but the question had me wondering so I asked my ds10.

 

His response, "I feel like you get frustrated with me too often. I honestly am trying, I just mess up a lot. Sometimes when you get angry, you face scares me a little and then I can't remember what to do."

 

It was a little heartbreaking and humbling to know that although I have worked hard on controlling my temper, that I still have a ways to go.

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