S/O: Have your parents ever charged you room and board?

[DawnM]

Based on the recent thread of parents charging their children, I am curious about basic necessities like room/board.

 

This is not about extras like more expensive clothing, electronics, cars, or anything but room and board.

 

 

[Carrie12345]

Yes, after I flunked out of college.

Later, when I moved back in for a few months as a parent with a toddler, my stepfather was living there. He did not believe in charging room and board so my stepbrother and I (and ds,and, for a short time, future-dh) did not pay. Though we voluntarily chipped in for groceries, b/c, come on! 3 adults and a toddler!

[Parrothead]

No, I moved out before the R&B started.

[Chris in VA]

No. I went right to college, which they totally paid for. I lived there, and then lived with them at breaks and during the summers. They did pay for an extra summer of school and an apt, but I had to pay for food and expenses that summer (oh--and I always paid for my books). 

 

I got married on July 6th after NOT graduating on time. I lived with them for about a month before the wedding (they paid for the wedding, too) FOC. 

 

Once I was married, however, they did not pay for me to finish my degree (which I did two years later after establishing residency in VA and finishing up at a community college that transferred my credits to OSU). 

 

They did not charge my brother room and board when he flunked out of college, either. He lived with us for less than a year after two years of college. It took him forever to finish, but he eventuallly did.

 

I think they might have charged him if he hadn't found his own place, but they were pretty ticked off at him and wanted him to move out. Tough love and all that. We moved to FL, and he fully expected to move with us--I found out much later, like just a few years ago--they told him NO, you are 22 years old, and you need to make your own life. He wanted a fresh start, and I wish they had given it to him, but it turned out he found his wife, and made a good life in Ohio. He stayed there his whole life. It hurts my heart to know he couldn't come with us, but I guess it was a good decision. 

[ErinE]

Yes, briefly. I graduated from college and had moved in for a short time until I could get an apartment. Other siblings paid rent while living with the parents after college. Had any of us not gone to school, we were welcome to stay with my parents paying rent so long as we had a job or were looking for a job.

[HelenNotOfTroy]

I moved back in and I paid rent to my parents and I was on food stamps so I shared my food purchases because it made sense to cook meals for everyone. I did have my own refrigerator and cupboard space. My parents gave the rent money to me when I moved back out.

[BarbecueMom]

No, but...

 

I paid enough bills out of my own money to keep the lights on, water running, and house out of foreclosure from about age 14 on that I might as well have paid room and board. Heck, I'm still doing it on occasion and I moved out 10 years ago.

[BigMamaBird]

I lived at home with my folks till I was 21 and they never charged room and board.  My husband, children and I had to move into their basement for a while between moves once and we voluntarily paid for utilities while we were there since they were using significantly more electricity and water then.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I moved out as soon as I had a full-time job, so no I didn't pay R&B.  I moved back home for a few months right before I got married. I bought groceries and paid a few bills for my mom during that time.

 

My dh's parents only charged him rent when he was not a full-time student.  That is our plan for our two boys.  If they are full-time students, we will cover their basic living expenses.  Any extra's will have to be covered by them.

[Cinder]

No and she wouldn't ask. One sibling did move in during a difficult time and mom didn't ask for $. One sibling never really left and she did ask for $ but didn't force it.

 

At this point I'd only move back if things were horrible and I know she wouldn't ask for $ in that case. I moved away for college and only came back home the summer after freshman year. She didn't ask for r/b then.

[TravelingChris]

I put other.  I am not sure why you chose 18 since I, like many others, turned 18 during my senior year in high school.  Of course, I wasn't charged room and board.  Then, after a summer break, I went to college.  ANd no, I wasn't charged room and board during my college breaks.  My mom did move to a smaller apartment so I didn't have a room for myself during those breaks but I did stay there, at least part of the time.  I got a job right after college and was living in the same city I went to college, away from my mom (a widow).  Then I got married and continued to work and when my dh graduated from college, we lived at his parents for a few months.  Again, we didn't pay rent or board but we did buy food too.  We had temp jobs and my dh was waiting for first a real job and then for his military school time (he entered through OCS and his school didn't start until Feb while he graduated in June).   We really did only live there for a few months (approx July to Oct), then we moved back to IL where we had our furniture in storage and got jobs, for the time being.  He worked until he entered the military at a bookstore and I worked in a telemarketing job until the beginning of May, when I traveled to see him graduate and get him to his first station (Los ANgeles).

[ThisIsTheDay]

When I began working after graduating high school, I was charged for room/board.  My dad's plan from the beginning was to return the money to me in a lump sum when I moved out, and he did when I moved out several months later.  He's never been particularly generous with his money, but he constantly slipped me cash back then when I was trying to get on my feet.

 

I have always appreciated that.  It gave me a sense of pride, confidence that I could take care of myself, and that he knew that I could do it too.

 

After divorcing when my sister and I were 10 and 12, my parents preferred pursuing their own interests instead of parenting.  But my mom took us to the library constantly when we were little, and my dad taught me financial responsibility, and those are two things that had a lifetime impact on me.

[Hwin]

I moved my family into my parents' house for 5 mos while we were saving up for a down payment on a house, and we had an arrangement involving utilities.

[ScoutTN]

Not me, but my dad made my step brother pay r&b (the other option was move out) when he was 19 and had flunked out of two colleges. My dad told my sb that he had to get a real, full time job and pay his own way. That was one of the best things that ever happened to my sb, actually. 

 

[FriedClams]

I did not, but my sister who moved home after college was charged. Unbeknownst to her they applied all the money toward her student loans. It was doubly good - she got the idea to move out and face the world and the money was well spent.

[TrixieB]

Yes.  After finishing college and experiencing a rather unfortunate traumatic event, I moved back to my parents' house.  A few days later, I got a decent job and I paid my parents a monthly amount.  I saved like crazy and got a couple of pay raises, and then moved out to my own place.

 

My siblings also moved back home at least once each, and my parents charged them a monthly amount too.

[MeaganS]

I voted other. My parents wouldn't in most cases but they did threaten to charge my brother (or kick him out) who was being a bum and just played video games all day and worked a part time job at 20. It woke him up enough to jump start his life a bit.

[jrn]

My parents always said as long as I was in school, they would not charge rent.  So as soon as I graduated technical college I paid $100/month. (this was in the early 90's)

[luvnlattes]

I had to pay room & board as soon as I turned 18. I think it was around $75. I went to CC and worked part time.

[catz]

My brother paid rent to my parents when he moved back after college. That seemed reasonable to me.

[*Lulu*]

Outside of school holidays I lived with my parents twice after I turned 18.

 

The first time was the summer after I graduated college and was planning a wedding. I lived with them 3 months and no rent was charged.

 

The second was when DH and I were house hunting then waiting for our place to be finished after we moved back to my hometown. We lived with them 4 months and no rent was charged. We tried to pay them repeatedly, but they would not take it.

 

I voted other because if we decided to move back in with them for any reason other than a flat out financial crisis or as super short term situation, (home renovation maybe?), I would anticipate them setting an amount needed for rent, utilities, etc. That being said, I cannot ever imagine willing moving back in with my folks short of a serious crisis. (Or a head injury that causes me to forget all the reasons I was so gleeful to get the heck out of Dodge the first time around! :) )

[SKL]

My mom had a policy that if you were working full time, you paid $40/week for r & b.  The minimum wage was $3.xx at the time.

 

The policy kicked in as soon as the person had a full time job (including a seasonal job).  That was probably before age 18 for some of us, after for some.  I chose "after 18" because I clearly remember the summer when I was 18, I actually paid almost all of my earnings to my mom to appease her, since she was on me to quit that job, and I was driving her car to & from.  I honestly can't remember if I ever worked enough to pay room & board before age 18.  But I was in college at 16 and had to hand over the balance of my student loan (after paying state university tuition), so I considered that room & board.  To be fair, my parents needed the money.

[SKL]

I would not pay my parents if I moved back in on them due to hard times, because I paid for the house they live in.  ;)  Well, I would (and do) give them money based on need, but not based on obligation.  And if I lived in their house, I would put some work into it at my time & expense.  They are retired and their house needs a lot of work.

[kewb]

I lived at home until I got married.  Never once did my parents ask for a dime.  After college when I was working I would buy groceries but I was not asked to do so. 

 

When dh and I were buying our house we were short a few thousand on the down payment.  Dh and I asked each of our parents to loan us part of the amount.  My dad told me "You want a loan, go to the bank.  I am your father and if I have it to give to you then I will give it to you."  That is the attitude I was brought up with and the one I give my children. 

 

Dh's parents loaned us the money and we had to pay it back with interest. 

 

When we would go out to dinner my dad always picked up the check and there was no arguing about it.  He was taking his children out to dinner.  Dh's parents-never pick up the check.  Never so much as offer.  There attitude is the exact opposite of how I was brought up and 20 years later I still find it shocking.

[Hen]

my answer was no, but I  had to pick "other".  It was made clear to me when I graduated highschool that I could either go to college full time and not pay room and board, or if I decided to work then I could pay a small room and board fee that would have been less then strangers would have charged, but I would have had to pay something.  This was to prevent me from working a minimum of hours or not at all and hanging around the house doing nothing.  We told our oldest the same and will have the rule with all our kids.

[bettyandbob]

My parents did not charge us. They made it clear we were expected to save money for our education. If we moved in after college, they wanted us saving money for down payment or rental deposit.

 

My father's parents refused to fill out financial statements for my father's scholarship to Purdue. So, he received no money even though he was considered one of Purdue's scholarship students the year he attended Purdue. My father was also offered a full scholarship to UVA. My grandparent said he could not go there because it was drinking school. My father was under 18 so he could not sign on his own behalf. After one year at Purdue, he went home got a fulltime job at an engineering firm and continued his engineering studies at a college near his home. His father then imposed rent. So my dad moved out. My grandparents had emphasized the importance of a college education to my aunt and father, had said they would assist. My grandparents each had master's degrees. My father felt like my grandparents had pulled the rug out from under him.

 

My dad's experience resulted in him saying that while he wanted us to work summers he absolutely did not want us working and attending school. I did work, but my father was against it.

[Heather in Neverland]

I went to college full time while living at home and my parents never charged me a dime. I had a job and paid for my own car, clothes, spending money, gas, insurance, and my own college tuition. I graduated at 24 (after I changed majors and had to earn more credits). Then I moved out a year after I graduated college and had earned enough to live on my own. I was 25 years old. I never paid one penny of rent and they never asked me to. If it were up to my mom I'd live with her forever. :)

[Julie Smith]

I was never charged rent. I moved out the day of my last highschool exam. I lived with an aunt for 4 months then got a place with my Dh.

[SKL]

I would add that in my family, getting to the point of paying room & board was a status symbol - you're mature and responsible enough to earn the money to pay your way.  It was something to be proud of actually.  I think it's a cultural thing.

[SKL]

Oh, and my mom always did the needful to make sure we had access to student loans.  (No way they had money to help us with college tuition.)  I think her way was a lot more fair and kind than those people I hear of who refuse to fill out student loan paperwork so their kids can get an education.

[happyhomemaker]

I put that I paid after 18, but maybe I should have put other. Dh and I moved in with my parents for about 6 months due to some complicated circumstances. We paid rent, but we volunteered to do so. My parents would not have demanded it. During my college years they never asked me for money.

[VaKim]

No, but after my younger sister graduated (4 years after me) high school, she and I moved out and rented a house together for a while. Mom figured if we were going to be paying rent to somebody anyway, it may as well be to her and Dad. So they bought a little house for us to rent from them ( much cheaper too ). They fully expected that we would each get married or whatever and move on at some point. Well, sister got married and moved out. I stayed, got married later, and still live in the same house with my DH and nearly grown DDs. DH and I bought the house from my parents for 10,000.00 shortly after we got married. :-)

[DawnM]

Because that is typically the age kids are when they graduate, you can insert "18 plus 5 months" if that is when you finished high school.

 

Edited the poll to reflect 18 and finished high school.

 

 

I put other.  I am not sure why you chose 18 since I, like many others, turned 18 during my senior year in high school.  Of course, I wasn't charged room and board.  Then, after a summer break, I went to college.  ANd no, I wasn't charged room and board during my college breaks.  My mom did move to a smaller apartment so I didn't have a room for myself during those breaks but I did stay there, at least part of the time.  I got a job right after college and was living in the same city I went to college, away from my mom (a widow).  Then I got married and continued to work and when my dh graduated from college, we lived at his parents for a few months.  Again, we didn't pay rent or board but we did buy food too.  We had temp jobs and my dh was waiting for first a real job and then for his military school time (he entered through OCS and his school didn't start until Feb while he graduated in June).   We really did only live there for a few months (approx July to Oct), then we moved back to IL where we had our furniture in storage and got jobs, for the time being.  He worked until he entered the military at a bookstore and I worked in a telemarketing job until the beginning of May, when I traveled to see him graduate and get him to his first station (Los ANgeles).

 

[TammyinTN]

No...after high school I went straight to community college and was working two jobs.  

[DawnM]

I think we are indeed shaped by our experiences.

 

I went to boarding school from the age of 8.  When it was time for college, I was sent half way across the world by myself to live on my own, no possibility to go home.  Fortunately, my aunt and uncle were more than generous and let me live there for school breaks when I needed it and I went there for most major Holidays.

 

There was a combination of working and my parents sending me money.  They paid all my college tuition, room and board.  I worked to pay for my car, gas, extras.  All after graduating from high school though.

 

However, I was not able to call home and there was no internet then.  They lived out in the bush in Africa, so contact was minimal and spotty due to no phones and a mail service that wasn't always reliable.

 

I became fiercely independent.  I finished college, got my first teaching job at 22, and was on my own until age 29 when I married DH and we found a house to rent together.

 

That said, I tend to go a little the opposite way for my kids......I want to provide them with a stable home where they can live and stay as long as they want, they can even move back in if they need to.   Of course there will be rules and stipulations, but I want this to be somewhere they feel is their home too.

 

Dawn

[Kathryn]

Other

 

When I turned 18, my dad (parents were divorced) planned on signing his half of the house that my mom and I lived in over to me. My mother convinced him that that might mess up my chances at getting SSI (I was at that point disabled), so he should sign it over to her and she would give it to me later. I was married when I was 20 and DH and I lived in the upstairs of my mom's house, paying whatever rent she demanded (it frequently changed). When we moved and asked for the money from my dad's transfer of ownership, I was told that I couldn't have it because she had paid my medical bills until I got married at age 20. So, the $5,000 or so in medical bills that I incurred up to age 20 amounted to her taking the $100,000 in equity that my father had attempted to give me.

[Pawz4me]

No.  Not even after I graduated from college and was working full time in a well-paying job.  They knew I was saving in order to make a hefty down payment on a house of my own, and they were fine with that.  I would do the same for our kids.

 

FWIW, my parents were in very good financial shape.  I understand the situation might be different if ones parents weren't very well off.

[DawnM]

I am sorry.  That really stinks.

 

 

Other

When I turned 18, my dad (parents were divorced) planned on signing his half of the house that my mom and I lived in over to me. My mother convinced him that that might mess up my chances at getting SSI (I was at that point disabled), so he should sign it over to her and she would give it to me later. I was married when I was 20 and DH and I lived in the upstairs of my mom's house, paying whatever rent she demanded (it frequently changed). When we moved and asked for the money from my dad's transfer of ownership, I was told that I couldn't have it because she had paid my medical bills until I got married at age 20. So, the $5,000 or so in medical bills that I incurred up to age 20 amounted to her taking the $100,000 in equity that my father had attempted to give me.

 

[Catwoman]

No. Never.

 

And I wouldn't dream of charging my ds, either.

 

This is his home, not a rooming house.

[KathyBC]

Yup. The deal was if we went to school after graduating we could live at home for free. If we were working we had to a pay a nominal room and board fee per month. When I was attending college part-time I asked if I could pay half and mom said sure, lol. They put it in a savings account and paid for my wedding.

[dirty ethel rackham]

My parents gave us 1 year rent free after we finished school (college since not going to college really wasn't an options.)  We were required to get a job (any job if you couldn't find one in your field) and do basic chores around the house.  After 1 year, we were required to pay a certain amount per month (in the 80's it was about $100 per month which was about half of the rent on a very small apartment at the time.)  I gladly paid it.  It was incentive to be productive (plus, my mom used it to pay for a cleaning service so we stopped fighting about chores.)

[Aelwydd]

No, my parents did not charge me when I moved back in after living a year or so on my own. I think they were just happy not to have me 2,000+ miles away anymore. However, I contributed to household expenses anyway in the form of helping to pay for groceries, electric bill, etc. I would just sign over my tax return to them every year as well. They didn't ask for it--I told them I wanted to give it to them since they didn't charge r&b anyway.

 

As far as ds goes, he does not need to move out at 18, 20, or even 25. We have no desire to kick him out. I have said it before on the board, and others have agreed with me, that there is a distinct difference in the mentality on this issue between wealthy families and middle class or low income families. I have noted that wealthy families do not view their adult children as "independent" or as a financial liability, the way that middle class or low income families do. Whereas a middle class family would tend to say to Jr., "You are 18, time to get out and support yourself, or go to college," the wealthy family looks at their children as fully invested in the family's wealth.

 

You don't see wealthy families usually sending their 18 year olds off to make it alone in the world. That would be patently foolish in their eyes, because they want their young adults to be able to contribute to the family's wealth. That won't happy if their young adults are saddled with debt, barely making it in the world. No, it's more often that they basically give their adult children a piece of real estate to live in, and stipend to live on, while building their own business, or learning the family business, or otherwise studying for an advanced degree. They see their children as an extension of the family's total net worth, and as such, are expected to be fully prepared to inherit and continue to grow their collective wealth as a unit. To which end, they foster their children's financial worth all the way into 30's, 40's, and beyond. It's about passing down net worth to one's progeny, instead of viewing said progeny as independent units who will make or break their financial futures on their own.

 

Obviously, there are different sets of values at play here. I have often heard it said that rich people think differently about money, and know how to use it as a tool more effectively, than those who are raised in middle class or in poverty. Their habits of saving, spending, and investing are predicated on growing wealth, versus simply funding living expenses for now and the future. There are several theories of how rich people get and stay rich, but I think one of the main ones that gets overlooked is how they view their children as invested in the same income pool, versus independent products who are liabilities past 18.

 

Dh and I are from working middle class families. We have discussed ways in which to invest and grow our income so that ds will have the advantage of starting his own business or earning his college degree with no debt, and also having his living expenses paid for. This is not, to be sure, an excuse for ds to spend his days on the couch in the basement playing video games. We are clear to ds that we have expectations of him, in that he must be working towards a college degree or to establish his own business, or earning certifications to work as a professional. But he is not expected to do on his own--he is welcome to stay with us, rent free, while he builds his own financial future. That is true when he is 18, 20, 25, even 35. I don't care about images or society's expectations--I care that he is stashing away his income, building his financial portfolio, investing, and creating his own wealth, so that he, in turn will be better able to provide for himself and his children, should he choose to have any.

 

That's our working premise anyway. We'll let you know how it turns out in 20 years or so. ;)

[Joker]

Nope. I even lived at home after graduation and didn't go to college. I worked full time and after about six months was able to move into my own apartment. I would not have been able to move that soon had they charged me.

 

We will not charge our dds either.

[DawnM]

That is a very interesting theory and I tend to agree.

 

 

 

 

 

No, my parents did not charge me when I moved back in after living a year or so on my own. I think they were just happy not to have me 2,000+ miles away anymore. However, I contributed to household expenses anyway in the form of helping to pay for groceries, electric bill, etc. I would just sign over my tax return to them every year as well. They didn't ask for it--I told them I wanted to give it to them since they didn't charge r&b anyway.

As far as ds goes, he does not need to move out at 18, 20, or even 25. We have no desire to kick him out. I have said it before on the board, and others have agreed with me, that there is a distinct difference in the mentality on this issue between wealthy families and middle class or low income families. I have noted that wealthy families do not view their adult children as "independent" or as a financial liability, the way that middle class or low income families do. Whereas a middle class family would tend to say to Jr., "You are 18, time to get out and support yourself, or go to college," the wealthy family looks at their children as fully invested in the family's wealth.

You don't see wealthy families usually sending their 18 year olds off to make it alone in the world. That would be patently foolish in their eyes, because they want their young adults to be able to contribute to the family's wealth. That won't happy if their young adults are saddled with debt, barely making it in the world. No, it's more often that they basically give their adult children a piece of real estate to live in, and stipend to live on, while building their own business, or learning the family business, or otherwise studying for an advanced degree. They see their children as an extension of the family's total net worth, and as such, are expected to be fully prepared to inherit and continue to grow their collective wealth as a unit. To which end, they foster their children's financial worth all the way into 30's, 40's, and beyond. It's about passing down net worth to one's progeny, instead of viewing said progeny as independent units who will make or break their financial futures on their own.

Obviously, there are different sets of values at play here. I have often heard it said that rich people think differently about money, and know how to use it as a tool more effectively, than those who are raised in middle class or in poverty. Their habits of saving, spending, and investing are predicated on growing wealth, versus simply funding living expenses for now and the future. There are several theories of how rich people get and stay rich, but I think one of the main ones that gets overlooked is how they view their children as invested in the same income pool, versus independent products who are liabilities past 18.

Dh and I are from working middle class families. We have discussed ways in which to invest and grow our income so that ds will have the advantage of starting his own business or earning his college degree with no debt, and also having his living expenses paid for. This is not, to be sure, an excuse for ds to spend his days on the couch in the basement playing video games. We are clear to ds that we have expectations of him, in that he must be working towards a college degree or to establish his own business, or earning certifications to work as a professional. But he is not expected to do on his own--he is welcome to stay with us, rent free, while he builds his own financial future. That is true when he is 18, 20, 25, even 35. I don't care about images or society's expectations--I care that he is stashing away his income, building his financial portfolio, investing, and creating his own wealth, so that he, in turn will be better able to provide for himself and his children, should he choose to have any.

That's our working premise anyway. We'll let you know how it turns out in 20 years or so. ;)

 

[Luanne]

My daughter and I are currently living with my parents and since my daughter has a job we are charged rent for staying here.  We pay for all of our own food and other needs (such as shampoo and toilet paper).  Until my daughter had a job, we weren't charged rent.  I never paid my parents rent when I was in college and still living at home and they provided me with food as well.

 

Edited to add: If my parents didn't really need the money, they wouldn't be charging us rent.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I had been in college and had transferred schools but took a year off.  I went 2k miles away that year and when I came back to go back to school my stepdad insisted i pay rent.  he felt like since I had lived on my own previously it would be the right thing.  whatever.

 

when i went to live with my dad for a few months in college he did not charge me rent.  he felt he was helping me out by having no rent to pay. 

[theYoungerMrsWarde]

Other-Dh and I got married very young (I was 18, he was 20.) He was still living with his parents but was going into the army a few months after our wedding. We stayed with them and paid rent, food, utilities. He got hurt at basic and had to be discharged and our plans fell apart. We ended up living with them for 3 years, paying the whole time.

[Word Nerd]

I lived at home for several months after I finished studying abroad. They did not charge me room and board, but I helped with household chores, bought some groceries, and contributed toward my living expenses. I can't imagine being an adult with a job and not doing that even though my parents didn't specifically ask me to.

[bobbeym]

I think my dad threatened to charge me rent when I was in college and rarely home.  I don't remember if he actually did or not.   About 11 years ago we had an emergency situation occur and had to move in with them for 9-10 months.  We did pay room and board then, plus helped out with groceries when we could, because it was all 4 of us plus a cat.

 

DS19 and DIL pay $150/wk for room and board (for them and 2 cats) and smartphones with unlimited texting and data plans. For comparison purposes before anyone thinks we're horribly mean parents, that's less than they'd pay for the 1-bedroom all-bills-paid apartment complex that rents by the month near us.

[bolt.]

I moved out before this point, but "the deal" with my parents was free room and board while ( successfully) a full time student. Room and board would have been charged if I wasn't actively in college.

 

So I said that they "would" if I moved back now -- but I do think that: (1) I would not assume that I was welcome to "just move back" at this point in my life: I could ask, but I'd expect them to think about their answer. (2) If they accepted "me" to move in, it would be with the kids, and it would probably be about the kids. I'm a 35yo woman, who can handle some hardship -- but they'd want to accept co-living to spare the grand kids any suffering. (3) If it was yes because of the kids, they probably wouldn't charge anything. They'd take the kids for free, and they'd take me because kids need their mom. (4) There would be a strong sense of the temporary-ness of the solution, and there would be chores for me.