StaceyinLA Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) about mistakes in your past, or lead them to believe you were some sort of perfect creature who did no wrong? I tend to be in the first camp, having shared a lot of things with my kids (and I'm talking teen/young adult) in hopes that they would learn from my experiences and mistakes. My mom would be in the second camp, having always been extremely private, sharing nothing, and/or making it seem as though she did no real wrong. Today, as I was going through paperwork with her looking for my dad's death certificate, I came across something which, at age 44, has changed what I have thought of my mother my entire life. Is it better to have kids know things about you via your sharing, or have them find out later and be kinda disappointed? Edited January 31, 2012 by StaceyinLA Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elise1mds Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am in the sharing camp. There are still SOME things that they don't need to know and will never know if I can help it, but for the most part, if it helps them to relate and can help them through a rough patch, then I will tell them. I especially see no point in hiding something that may be a bigger issue than normal due to genetics. My mother was (is) very private, and it was (is) a hindrance because I have never felt like we can relate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2bee Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 You have to balance the 2, I guess. But by the time you get to be a late teen/young adult you ought to realize that your parents are people and have screwed up at some point or another in their lives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am a sharing within reason kind of parent. There are things that my kids don't need to hear about in detail. But they know in vague ways the life I had before them ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Share. We are very transparent about our mistakes, current and past, at age appropriate levels. My parents also share. I remember my mom sharing many stories and her and ex-boyfriends when I was a kid. They made seem real. Her family is more of the secret type. There is a family secret involving my mom that no one is willing to answer. It bugs my mom that she doesn't know the truth, the few remaining people that know are in their late 70s and 80s and refuse to tell. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I'm already MUCH more open with my kids than my mother ever has been. BUT I don't think there's any need to tell them everything, now or later. Everyone has a right to privacy and the right to choose what they share about the personal details of their life, mothers included. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I really think it depends. Sharing is good, but some things are not good to share at particular times. As a youth my sister always said she got along better with my dad than my mom because he was "open" with her, but I think a lot of stuff he told her was actually inappropriate and she took inappropriate messages from it. (I was totally different and it really didn't affect me the same way.) I cannot imagine sharing with my kids that my relationship with my husband started out as a fling where he wanted only fun and I hoped he would come around to want more. And eventually, he did, in the way that is never supposed to happen in real life. Not really the message I want my girls to have when they are pining after some jerk, plus it is a bit embarrassing.:tongue_smilie: Parents are entitled to some privacy as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Sharing to a point. They don't need to know all of my mistakes, for sure. Some things should remain private. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Age appropriate sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am all for sharing my shortcomings, past AND present, with my children. At an age appropriate time, of course. It's part of our beliefs. I want them to understand that mommy is not perfect; if I were, I would have no need for the forgiveness of Christ. There are a few things in my past that I am so ashamed of, it is possible I will never share those with my children. Not that I'm afraid that, as adults, they would judge me for them. But because those things are so painful, I would not want my boys to carry that burden, iykwim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) I am a sharing within reason kind of parent. There are things that my kids don't need to hear about in detail. But they know in vague ways the life I had before them ;) :iagree: My mother was perfect;) and I could never live up to her expectations or ideals. She placed herself on such a high pedestal there was no where to go but down when the truth came out. I also want my children to know, because one day I will be dead and not there to explain. My family has so many questions my jana can never answer. We know only what she wanted us to know about her. Edited January 31, 2012 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 It's interesting how we react to whatever extreme we were raised with. My mom WAY overshared. I resented it, I struggled with bitterness over it as a young teen (why do I have to share this secret at my age?), and it made it hard for me to respect her. I don't think those things would have that effect on me if she had waited til I was older AND if she had shared those things from a place of emotional fortitude instead of as someone who is emotionally fragile. They just made me more fearful about her stability, I think. I'm probably (to this point) pretty private. But my kids are young. When they are in high school, I'll share more. However, a lot of my "hard stuff" has to do with their grandparents (my parents)... so that's tricky. What do you think about sharing "family secrets" (ie, the real reason their grandparents divorced, or whatever)? Wait til those family members have died? I don't want to taint their views of their grandparents but I also don't want there to be things they don't know but maybe should. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DaffodilDreams Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am in the sharing camp. There are still SOME things that they don't need to know and will never know if I can help it, but for the most part, if it helps them to relate and can help them through a rough patch, then I will tell them. I agree with this. Nobody is perfect, and to profess to be so would only do more harm than good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 If an older child asked directly or if a situation calls for real life example to give a teen something think about rather than don't do this or that blah, blah blah, that they may not want to listen to, then the truth would be good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I'm already MUCH more open with my kids than my mother ever has been. BUT I don't think there's any need to tell them everything, now or later. Everyone has a right to privacy and the right to choose what they share about the personal details of their life, mothers included. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to handle it. :iagree:with Nakia. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ottakee Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I am for sharing at an age/stage appropriate level and not nec. ALL of the details. In some things my mom is very very private and not all of her stories add up but we just let it go as there are obviously things she doesn't want us to know........yet, on the other hand, there are a few things she has shared that are too much information. We can get the picture with just some general comments, not all of the specifics are needed (or wanted). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Rain Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I'm already MUCH more open with my kids than my mother ever has been. BUT I don't think there's any need to tell them everything, now or later. Everyone has a right to privacy and the right to choose what they share about the personal details of their life, mothers included. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to handle it. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I make so many mistakes in my present I don't have much time or reason to drudge up the past ones. :001_smile: It's pretty obvious to all involved that Mommy is a very flawed creature. I have shared some but will retain privacy in some things as well. I agree with a pp about their being a balance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MamaT Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 There are some things I would share with no one, except dh. I have talked about some things in my past with my teenagers when it is appropriate and I felt it could be helpful to them, but they don't need to know everything. They are fully aware that I'm nowhere near perfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 :iagree:And I don't know anyone who believes anyone is perfect...everybody is human. I'm already MUCH more open with my kids than my mother ever has been. BUT I don't think there's any need to tell them everything, now or later. Everyone has a right to privacy and the right to choose what they share about the personal details of their life, mothers included. I don't think there's any right or wrong way to handle it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda in VT Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I think it depends on two things: * Does the secret involve them? (Do they have siblings they don't know about? Is their biological heritage different than they thought?) * Is there something that, if they learn it, will raise other questions that they deserve answers to? I know someone who intended for his kids to learn that they had secret half-siblings when he died and the kids opened the combination to the safe and found money ear-marked for the other kids. :glare: That's just cruel. If there is something like that in the closet, I think you owe it to your kids to break the news to them while you are still around to answer questions and deal with the fallout. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) I do genealogy. I've uncovered some *VERY* surprising skeletons. the closet owner is deceased, but I think it was something she should have shared and could have used as a very positive learning experience. that said closet owner owned such skeleton would have given her more credence when telling another family member to not do such things. eta: It *totally* changed my perception of the person, and I don't think I've digested it yet. (but I only found this skeleton in the last year.) My brother has shared things he regrets doing as a teen with his son, and he was able to make a positive lesson out of it. Edited January 31, 2012 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Some things are none of their business, and some things we just tell them that Mom and Dad are not good role models for. No veneer of perfection, but no nitty gritty details either. We also keep in mind age appropriateness, and discuss things with our 14yo that we don't with our 11yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KingM Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 I think it depends on two things:* Does the secret involve them? (Do they have siblings they don't know about? Is their biological heritage different than they thought?) * Is there something that, if they learn it, will raise other questions that they deserve answers to? I know someone who intended for his kids to learn that they had secret half-siblings when he died and the kids opened the combination to the safe and found money ear-marked for the other kids. :glare: That's just cruel. If there is something like that in the closet, I think you owe it to your kids to break the news to them while you are still around to answer questions and deal with the fallout. That someone was my father (hi, honey!) and yes, it was a huge mistake. My parents still want it covered up so it doesn't get out in their small town. It's disappointing for many reasons. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 (edited) I find that blatant lying works in most situations. It makes me seem so much more daring and exciting than if I told the truth. Some day, remind you to tell you all about the time I was piloting the space shuttle and accidentally landed it in the Neiman Marcus parking lot. All was not lost, however, as I needed mascara anyway and there was a gift with purchase at the Christian Dior counter. Edited January 31, 2012 by Catwoman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heather in Neverland Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 You have to balance the 2, I guess. But by the time you get to be a late teen/young adult you ought to realize that your parents are people and have screwed up at some point or another in their lives. :iagree: I never assumed my parents were perfect in the first place. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beezus Posted January 31, 2012 Share Posted January 31, 2012 Some day, remind you to tell you all about the time I was piloting the space shuttle and accidentally landed it in the Neiman Marcus parking lot. All was not lost, however, as I needed mascara anyway and there was a gift with purchase at the Christian Dior counter. Were you able to escape with the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe too, or did they charge you $250 for it? As to the OP's question, I am generally for sharing, but some things I definitely wait until I'm asked about them. There are probably a few things I would likely keep private no matter what, but those things have never been asked about yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pamela H in Texas Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 (edited) We have always been open with our kids. Honesty is always best. There are a great number of reasons for this, imo. First, I believe it is faith related. Second, I think kids feel they can be accepted. Third, I want them to come to me. Fourth, I've matured in time. What was important at 12 or 18 is different than what is true in my 30s. Fifth, kids can learn from the experiences of others, even mom. Edited February 1, 2012 by 2J5M9K Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyinND Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I think kids eventually find out about things anyway. I think maybe a slightly sanitized version might be ok. Not that my history's that bad anyway...:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 about mistakes in your past, or lead them to believe you were some sort of perfect creature who did no wrong? I tend to be in the first camp, having shared a lot of things with my kids (and I'm talking teen/young adult) in hopes that they would learn from my experiences and mistakes. My mom would be in the second camp, having always been extremely private, sharing nothing, and/or making it seem as though she did no real wrong. Today, as I was going through paperwork with her looking for my dad's death certificate, I came across something which, at age 44, has changed what I have thought of my mother my entire life. Is it better to have kids know things about you via your sharing, or have them find out later and be kinda disappointed? I am a middle of the roader...and a as it comes up sortnof Mom. I don't brag about my errors...but, I don't hide them either. If they ask...or elude...or need to commiserate, or can learn from my mistakes, I share....if not, I leave things alone. Faithe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I don't think you should dwell on the errors or glamorize them. I think some kids need to hear about parental mistakes and some parents would benefit from admitting them. Its a fine line. I also think kids can benefit from having positive messages to hold on to. "We a family that values education" is a better mantra than "Dad dropped out of college from smoking too much pot, so I can screw up my education too". I didn't know all of my parents youthful misdeeds, but they probably didn't have any. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I don't think you should dwell on the errors or glamorize them. I think some kids need to hear about parental mistakes and some parents would benefit from admitting them. Its a fine line. I also think kids can benefit from having positive messages to hold on to. "We a family that values education" is a better mantra than "Dad dropped out of college from smoking too much pot, so I can screw up my education too". I didn't know all of my parents youthful misdeeds, but they probably didn't have any. When there are siblings in the world one does not know about, I think the parent needs to fess up. Or in the case of my grandparents hating eachother, I'd like to know why. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Age appropriate sharing camp. I apologize to my kids when I make a mistake, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommyfaithe Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I find that blatant lying works in most situations. It makes me seem so much more daring and exciting than if I told the truth. Some day, remind you to tell you all about the time I was piloting the space shuttle and accidentally landed it in the Neiman Marcus parking lot. All was not lost, however, as I needed mascara anyway and there was a gift with purchase at the Christian Dior counter. :D. Yeah, that too. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunD Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I want to share in age-appropriate ways, but I agree that there are some things so painful or private that I probably won't, unless a directly related situation comes up in their lives and they really need to hear about it. In that case, I would share with the understanding that they should not repeat the story. I would consider it my duty as their mother to share my knowledge and experience, to the extent that it was likely to help them. I don't bring up heavy secrets out of the blue, not even when confiding in DH. My parents have some secrets that I really wish they had shared, instead of letting me find evidence and put the pieces together by myself. I find their stance kind of strange given that there are secrets about my father's family that he desperately wishes he knew. I can't remember who posted about genealogy, but I blew one of DH's "family secrets" wide open, at a funeral! All the old-timers were furious with me, but I didn't know it was a secret because DH didn't even know until I told him. He just said "Oh, that's interesting" and then we inadvertently upset the old generation when we shared. Oops. :001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I am in the share within reason camp, as my mom was in the "I'll tell you when you're older" camp—and that day usually didn't ever arrive even though I kept getting older. Once I was visiting my aunt and uncle after I had graduated from college. During one of our conversations, my aunt casually mentioned something about a family member that she assumed I already knew. I was shocked and felt like a complete idiot. My mom never told me, and still hasn't to this day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Big picture wise, they know about dh and my past. They do not know need to know the details at this time. If there is a reason for them to know more later....it will be a case by case situation. Dh and I both were partiers as young teens. We both lived lives from 12-18 that most people live in their 20s in college. The things that we did aren't horrible, but when we look at our kids and think about what we were doing at their ages....yeah, we don't tell them all the details. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 about mistakes in your past, or lead them to believe you were some sort of perfect creature who did no wrong? I tend to be in the first camp, having shared a lot of things with my kids (and I'm talking teen/young adult) in hopes that they would learn from my experiences and mistakes. My mom would be in the second camp, having always been extremely private, sharing nothing, and/or making it seem as though she did no real wrong. Today, as I was going through paperwork with her looking for my dad's death certificate, I came across something which, at age 44, has changed what I have thought of my mother my entire life. Is it better to have kids know things about you via your sharing, or have them find out later and be kinda disappointed? I think most things are better left unsaid, unless there is an important object lesson that needs making, or if there are repercussions lurking in the closet. I know of someone who just recently found out at age 54 that she has two half-siblings from her father's first marriage, that she had no idea had happened. That is the type of secrecy I would never get behind. OTOH, I don't think they need to know your "number" before marriage, or about the time when you were 20 that you got sloshed at a company Christmas party and woke up in the storeroom with your bra on the Xerox machine. :tongue_smilie: Not all things need mentioning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I can't think of anything I wouldn't tell my kids (except certain direct things about their Dad). My kids are all teens now. I can think of lots of details within those things that are not appropriate or necessary to share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stripe Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I know things I'd rather not know, so I'm not a big believer in the tell alls. Also, one does not have to say OR imply that one was perfect, which seems like either lying or bragging, and neither does one need to get graphic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsmom2011 Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Age appropriate sharing. :iagree: My mother was the non-sharing type, and always went to extreme lengths to paint a perfect picture. I don't want to do that to my kids. I want them to know that I am far from perfect just like everybody else. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Another age appropriate sharer. My mother was as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I am in the sharing camp. There are still SOME things that they don't need to know and will never know if I can help it, but for the most part, if it helps them to relate and can help them through a rough patch, then I will tell them. I especially see no point in hiding something that may be a bigger issue than normal due to genetics. My mother was (is) very private, and it was (is) a hindrance because I have never felt like we can relate. I share on a "need to know" basis. Some things they really need to know. Some things I will never speak of again. At the right time, when things come up, I spill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 My kids know me fairly well and they would laugh if I ever tried to present myself in any type of 'never did anything wrong' manner. :tongue_smilie: I've always shared stories with my kids. I'm a big 'When I Was Your Age...' type of person. I've even told them about some of my more stupid choices such as drinking alcohol when I was a teenager and having one of the worst nights of my life. It was so bad that I haven't had much interest in drinking. Yes, I just admitted to them that I was drinking underage, but the point is that it was a very stupid thing to do, and that it's a possibility that could come up for them at some point. I won't deny I had some of the same problems as them. That's a lot of pressure to put on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Someone I met a couple of times when I was a teen came over this weekend (I hadn't seen her in 34 years) so I could burn all her old photos on a DVD. My son was a little shocked at how long everyone's hair was, rotary phones, and how people sat in circles on the floor ("like children"). I wasn't in any of the photos, but he couldn't believe how different this 60-something visitor looked when she was in her 20s. What will I tell him about my youth? It was a place and a time, and it doesn't exist anymore. I think I will tell him just as much as he keeps asking about. I don't offer, but I don't cover either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 It all depends. I've seen parents share past mistakes with their children in the pretense that it helps teach them a lesson; but I can clearly see that they are almost proud of their past recklessness. Children see into that. I also wouldn't want children thinking "Well, my mom did that, and she turned out okay, so it must not be too bad afterall!" So, there is a fine line. I wouldn't try and present my past as perfect or make up lies, but for the most part I don't volunteer foolish things I've done in my past. It has nothing to do with trying to appear more perfect than I was; it has everything to do with what is truly in my children's best interest to know. If I really believed it would help one of my children in a very specific situation, I most likely would share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elinor Everywhere Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I think most things are better left unsaid, unless there is an important object lesson that needs making, or if there are repercussions lurking in the closet. I know of someone who just recently found out at age 54 that she has two half-siblings from her father's first marriage, that she had no idea had happened. That is the type of secrecy I would never get behind. OTOH, I don't think they need to know your "number" before marriage, or about the time when you were 20 that you got sloshed at a company Christmas party and woke up in the storeroom with your bra on the Xerox machine. :tongue_smilie: Not all things need mentioning. :iagree::iagree: My past isn't a huge secret, but details aren't necessary. Even for me. :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LizzyBee Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 I've shared a lot, esp with my teens, but I don't get into specifics. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 There are certain things I share, and certain things I do not share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeidiKC Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 This is a hard one for me. I think that if I'd known my parents did something unwise (for example, drugs in junior high - they didn't, this is a "fake" example!), then it wouldn't have seemed as off-limits, scary or wrong to me to try it. I think knowing my parents had never tried or done something when they were young kept me from doing the same. Even if they'd shared having done some things and then the "lessons" they learned from their mistakes, it probably wouldn't have been as powerful to me. Of course I don't like the idea of lying to my kids, either! I do like the idea that they think only troublesome kids would drink in high school, and they don't view themselves as troublesome kids! They have no idea (so far) that mom was a bit troublesome that way! So I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Not looking forward to it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.