Read article on benefits an age gap has on reducing sibling rivalry..any experiences?

[PaigeP]

My friend mailed me an article on how age gaps (the article focused on 6+yr gaps) have this benefit of reducing bickering/fighting among siblings. My friend mailed it to me as she knows about our gap (I'm pregnant and there will be this type gap in our family). We didn't OPT for the gap; just happened this way. I thought that the gap would promote bickering (little brother/sister getting into big sibling's stuff, tagging around constantly, etc.). Anyone experience this sibling rivalry REDUCTION with such a gap and do you attribute it TO the gap?:bigear:

[Perogi]

Well, I don't have any gaps that large (all are just about exactly 2 years apart), but what I've observed is that my oldest and youngest have the least amount of conflict with one another. Middle dd has conflict with both her older sister and her younger brother. At times I have dreamt about the ease of having children further apart ;)

[garddwr]

Well, not a gap but I come from a large family. I had the rockiest relationships with the siblings within about 4 years in age either direction from me. Those were the ones who would want to play with the same toys, compete with me in games, etc. Those much younger the relationship was very different because we weren't really in a position to compete with each other. That being said, the sister two years younger than me is now my best friend largely because we are both raising multiple young children and can relate so well to each other. My much younger siblings are still in the single young adult realm and we have very little in common in our lives at the moment.

 

--Sarah

[Bluegoat]

In my observation of other families this is true. I think with those kind of gaps the older child has enough additional maturity to handle most of what the younger child throws at him, and even to out-think him.

 

My youngest and oldest have a five year gap, and my daughter is almost always able to manage my son's behavior and is willing to do things like give up a toy he really wants. And often, they are not so much interested in the same things anyway. My middle child on the other hand is interested in the same things, and isn't always willing or able to be self-sacrificing or find a way to manage things.

 

OTOH, I think that when you get larger gaps, they are less likely to be close companions as children. They have their own interests and friends and so on.

[Angel]

There is almost a six year gap between my girls. I didn't want the gap, but it has been just fine, well, for the most part. Our biggest hurdles were when they were age 13 and 7 and now at 17 and 11. At 13, older dd was transitioning away from playing and it was hard for the younger dd. My younger dd thinks big sis hung the moon and she wants to be just like her. It's hard to explain to dd11 that she needs to have her own friends and be herself.

 

Other than that, there is a great love between them. Most of their squabbles come more from my older dd's Asperger's. Older dd gets sensory overload easily, and younger dd is a sensory overload waiting to happen :D

[mommaduck]

I was raised with one particular brother. He's five and a half years younger than I am. We fought like cats and dogs. Another brother that is six and a half years younger than I am is also one that I'm more likely to butt heads with. The twins are only a couple of years younger and we get along wonderfully (if anyone butts heads, it those two with each other...I'm guessing one kept kicking the other in the womb). The other three seem to be just fine, were raised together, and I'm not sure what their sibling rivalry issues are. Oh, and the baby brother, well, he was raised pretty much as an only child. No rivalry issues.

 

 

My youngest and oldest have a 15yr gap...no issues. The biggest rivals seem to be the closest, same gender siblings.

[pehp]

My sister is 5 years and 3 months my junior and sibling rivalry was nonexistent......we argued as we got older but never competed. We had a great relationship --I was just too bossy, but those days are gone. We are very good friends.

 

Age made a difference, I think, as did wise parenting!

[sassenach]

I have found from personal experience and from observing my friend's kids that 5 years is a bad gap. My 2 that are 5 years apart (oldest and third) are oil and water, however the 7 year gap (oldest and youngest) are just fine. My youngest kids are 2 years apart and best friends.

 

So, that may well be true about 6+.

[Mommyof4ks]

In my observation of other families this is true. I think with those kind of gaps the older child has enough additional maturity to handle most of what the younger child throws at him, and even to out-think him.

 

My youngest and oldest have a five year gap, and my daughter is almost always able to manage my son's behavior and is willing to do things like give up a toy he really wants. And often, they are not so much interested in the same things anyway. My middle child on the other hand is interested in the same things, and isn't always willing or able to be self-sacrificing or find a way to manage things.

 

OTOH, I think that when you get larger gaps, they are less likely to be close companions as children. They have their own interests and friends and so on.

 

This is exactly how it is in our family.

[Joker]

In my experience it has been the opposite.

 

My sister and I are six years apart and fought horribly. We didn't like each other until we were adults. My older brother is five years older than me and we didn't fight but it was more, "I'm a boy, you're a girl and I must respect and look out for you". My younger brother was two years younger than me and was one of my best friends.

 

My girls are two years apart and are very close.

[Laura in MI]

In my observation of other families this is true. I think with those kind of gaps the older child has enough additional maturity to handle most of what the younger child throws at him, and even to out-think him.

 

My youngest and oldest have a five year gap, and my daughter is almost always able to manage my son's behavior and is willing to do things like give up a toy he really wants. And often, they are not so much interested in the same things anyway. My middle child on the other hand is interested in the same things, and isn't always willing or able to be self-sacrificing or find a way to manage things.

 

OTOH, I think that when you get larger gaps, they are less likely to be close companions as children. They have their own interests and friends and so on.

 

:iagree: with the bolded.

 

I have kids within a year apart and kids 16 years apart. I myself have 8 siblings and there's 22 years apart from the oldest and youngest. It's a totally different relationship.

[gardenmom5]

My gaps range from 2y9m to 12y6m.

 

never underestimate personality. while the olders are generaly patient with the younger, he still follows them around in a way they never had to deal with themselves. practically, he's an only and they played with each other.

 

some ways it's easier, other's it's harder. there are pro's and con's to each.

[Laurie4b]

My friend mailed me an article on how age gaps (the article focused on 6+yr gaps) have this benefit of reducing bickering/fighting among siblings. My friend mailed it to me as she knows about our gap (I'm pregnant and there will be this type gap in our family). We didn't OPT for the gap; just happened this way. I thought that the gap would promote bickering (little brother/sister getting into big sibling's stuff, tagging around constantly, etc.). Anyone experience this sibling rivalry REDUCTION with such a gap and do you attribute it TO the gap?:bigear:

 

I think a gap may help in many situations, but it's also a YMMV type of thing with kids' personalities and parenting style affecting whether or not there is rivalry. In my family of origin, there was a 10 year gap between my youngest sister and me and I was like a second mother to her. No rivalry at all. There was about a 6 year gap b/t the baby and the middle sister, and they fought horribly.

[AimeeM]

Goodness YES!

There is an 8 year gap between my daughter and my son. There is NO sibling rivalry. I mean it - not one bit. My daughter is an attentive, doting big sister who loves nothing more than to spend most of her allowance showering little brother with candy and balls (his favorite toy). Every morning he goes running down the hall to her open arms. Autumn is his favorite person - and I would take a stab at saying he is one of HER favorite little people.

 

Because of the age gap, there is a huge difference in the type of attention they want/need, so there is no bickering over *us* (mom and dad); they are on totally different levels with entertainment - so there isn't any envy over toys, books, or television.

 

If anything, she is a bit... too involved with her little brother. Sometimes she has a difficult time remembering that she's big sister - not Mommy :D. She tends to give into his EVERY whim. He expresses interest in her new slap watch, Autumn smiles indulgently and hands it over. It's setting him up a bit, I think, for some difficult peer relationships down the road.

 

 

My husband had a very similar, positive experience with his younger brother (11 years my husband's junior).

Edited January 29, 2012 by AimeeM

[MHowell]

All of us on my side have a 6 year gap. Brother 1, Brother 2, me, niece 1, niece 2, dd, then ds. We all have always gotten along wonderfully.

 

My oldest brother took on more of a fatherly role than brother. He coached my softball team, went to all my school functions, he was awesome. Now though I mother him too much (in HIS opinion!)

 

My nieces bicker a bit, but it didn't start until the youngest was old enough to start 'borrowing' clothes and such. Something that would have happened much sooner if they were closer in age.

[mbholly]

I have 2 boys, 14 and 4. They really don't have any sibling rivalry because they are in such totally different places. The older one is usually very giving and patient. Of course, they can still annoy each other at times :). Right now, they are very close. Be interesting to see what their relationship is like over time.

[Samiam]

I think it's true, but that doesn't mean it's always good.

 

DS13 and DS5 get along great. Sometimes DS13 will tease DS5, but both take it as fun.

 

DS8 and DS5 get along decently, and play together the most. DS5 idolizes DS8...and sometimes DS8 will manipulate that.

 

DS13 and DS8,well, honestly, do not like each other much. It gets better, then it gets worse, and then better.

 

So yes in my case the bigger age gap means less rivarly...but the closer age gap breeds "closeness" as DS8 and DS5 do so many things together, including having shared a room and sleep together (okay they both sleep in my bed currently whenever DH works at night). But they share toys, etc. So much they do together that DS13 has no interest in and is left out of.

 

I would take the closer age gap anyday, myself. Rivarly will eventually be grown out of, but that closeness, hopefully that will always be there.

[Word Nerd]

I fought constantly with my sister who is two years younger but rarely with my sister who is six years younger. (My two kids fight as much as my middle sister and I did.)

[Tigger]

We have a six year gap here - just the way it worked out. So far it's much better than I expected.....DS7 absolutely loves being a big brother and DS1 absolutely adores his older brother. We still have years to go to see if there'll be sibling rivalry or disagreement, but right now, I just don't see it happening - they're just at way different places and will be until they're both adults.

[Punchie]

I am almost 8 yrs older than my sister. While there wasn't necessarily any sibling rivalry, I hated her and was jealous that she diverted attention away from me. I couldn't stand that she existed and I went out of my way to torment her. Shortly after she was born, my parents divorced, so I don't know if the effected my behavior at all.

 

It wasn't until she was around 13 that I did a 180 on my view of her. One night at dinner, I was slamming into her as usual, and she held her own. She made a retort that stopped me cold in my tracks. I don't know what it was, but from that day forward, I saw her as human.

 

Fast forward to now, and we are extremely close. You would never now I made her life a living H E double hockey sticks when she was a kid.

Edited January 29, 2012 by Punchie

[Pamela H in Texas]

I *generally* would think that a 6+ year age gap would include a reduction of sibling rivalry. Additionally, it tends to make both kids "first kids" in birth order. But a lot has to do with the individuals involved. I was amazed how much my younger brother (kid 3) and my youngest sister (kid 5) fought despite a 9 year age gap.

 

Then there are situations like my oldest two children. There is 2½ years age difference and they've been best friends all but a couple months ever.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I *generally* would think that a 6+ year age gap would include a reduction of sibling rivalry. Additionally, it tends to make both kids "first kids" in birth order. But a lot has to do with the individuals involved. I was amazed how much my younger brother (kid 3) and my youngest sister (kid 5) fought despite a 9 year age gap.

 

Then there are situations like my oldest two children. There is 2½ years age difference and they've been best friends all but a couple months ever.

[LucyStoner]

My sons are 5 and half years apart, to the day. This is because of infertility and recurrent miscarriages. There is no rivalry thus far. They are pretty nice to each other. My older son looks out for my younger one. My younger one thinks the older one is the coolest person on the planet. There is some wrangling to keep the younger one out of toys that are over his head (teeny legos)

 

I have heard that birth order stuff "resets" with a 5 year or greater gap.

[SKL]

Not sure. In my family, there were 6 of us; the first 4 were around 2 years apart, and then there was a 7-year gap and 4-year gap. #4 (girl)and #5 (boy) did not get along. They had similar personalities (demanding, emotional, short fuse) and #4, who had been "the baby" for 7 years, could not tolerate the imperfections of #5. They used to physically fight, and this continued until they were young adults. That said, I was #3 and didn't get along famously with #4 either, though it wasn't "that" bad. The rest of us got along pretty well.

 

Aside from personality, I think the fact that #4 was a bit spoiled for 7 years was a factor when #5 came along and got all the attention. This may not be a factor for you.

[Amy in NH]

I think 3 years is ideal. There is no difference in fighting or bickering between my older/younger sets and the individuals with larger age gaps. They hardly fight at all, honestly.

[Meriwether]

It hasn't worked like that in my experience.

[KidsHappen]

I have three brothers, one that is three years younger, one that is five years younger and one that is seven years younger. I am only close to the one that is the youngest.

 

My oldest (29 year old son) is only close to my oldest dd. There is about a three year difference between them.

 

The 18 year old and the 19 year old were very close growing up. Sure they fought sometimes but they played with each other a lot and did things together.

 

There is a three year difference between the 18 year old and the 15 year old and they weren't very close growing up but are closer now because they live together and have a lot in common (they are both honors students, one in college and one in High school). They have a lot of the same classes and same interests.

 

The 15 year old is three years older than the 12 year old and they were always pretty close. Once again there was fighting sometimes but they were buddies that played together and did things together.

 

So at least with my children, the ones closer in age were also closer emotionally. I really feel like I have three sets of children - the older two, the middle two and the younger two. For the most part, they were all the closest to the one closest in age. Ones that were more than three years apart didn't really start developing close relationship until they were older.

 

That is just how things worked out for me. If I had planned it, I would have went for about a five year difference. My dgs is three and a half now and I think that my dd would like to have one more and I think she is shooting for about five years.

[2squared]

So yes in my case the bigger age gap means less rivarly...but the closer age gap breeds "closeness"

 

We have so many different relationships...

 

2 years apart = best play mates for opposite sex sibs, best play mates & best bickering for same sex sibs

4 years apart = not interested in playing with each other or big bro/big sis role

6+ years apart = big sib/little sib caretaking roles dominate the relationships

 

The bickering in closely spaced children is annoying, but the built-in closeness and play partners is worth it for us.

[BlsdMama]

Our two who get along the best are 15yodd and 3yod. Runners up are the 8yod and 10yod. The two who bicker the most are eight years apart! Truly, truly, it is a PERSONALITY conflict, not age gap.

[nd293]

I know you're asking in a reduction in bickering, but I thought I'd comment anyway... My two are 6 years apart. They argue a lot, but I think it has less to do with him getting into her stuff etc, and more to do with her feeling "dethroned" as the princess of the family. I handled this badly, and wish I'd been more aware. It didn't help that ds was a longed for addition, and that I was not in a good place emotionally prior to his birth, and I was much happier after he was born - this is obviously something she picked up on. She tends to focus her resentments about anything he does on the fact that he is being "favoured" - one of the downsides of the big gap is that the children will without doubt be treated differently, with expectation of a 5yr old and 11yr old being quite different. All in all, though, I don't think they fight more than my sister and I did, at 3 yrs apart...

[Laura Corin]

We don't have much bickering between my two boys (3 1/2 years apart). It makes the little one sad that their interests are so different, but there's not much friction. Older was very protective when younger was born, and we worked hard to give older space when younger was into everything.

 

Laura

[Negin]

There are no guarantees.

I've observed all sorts of dynamics and personalities.

I've seen siblings that are 6 or so years apart, grow up extremely close with barely any bickering, only to not be on talking terms as adults.

And I've seen the opposite, lots of bickering and fighting as children, and very close as adults.

Again, no guarantees.

[Heather in Neverland]

My children are all 6 years apart. My two boys have nothing in common and argue incessantly. It drives me batty and I have tried everything. They both absolutely adore their sister though. Of course, she is still young so we will see how it goes between her and the sibling above her when she is older.

[DianeW88]

I have a 7 year gap between my middle and youngest (10 years between my oldest and youngest) because of miscarriages. Didn't do a darn thing to lessen the fighting. :glare: And you're right, OP....it was mostly that the youngest was "bugging" the oldest two.

[SKL]

As a general point, I would say that some bickering among siblings is really a good thing. It gives them the opportunity to learn to deal with difficult people, to work toward the common good even when they don't have common goals. Personally I don't try to stop it (usually) but force them to work it out between them. To keep it within reason, I usually consequence both when things get ridiculous. They are 3 months apart in age.

[JeneralMom]

My oldest and youngest are 5.5 years apart. My eldest adores his sister, but she can provoke his ire like no other. I figured out that he and DS7 are so close in age they love the same things and play wonderfully together. DS8 is at an age where he likes to build meticulous grand things, very complicated and dear to him. DD5 is old enough to know to respect his games and often joins in or admires them. DD2 just rams right through them and destroys them or messes up their games (not maliciously, just unknowing) and DD8 gets really frustrated or even mad.

[cathmom]

My two oldest are 6.5 years apart. I do not agree with the article. They fought a lot until my oldest went away to college.

[Dmmetler]

Well, I would prefer a smaller age gap, but at this point, should DD ever have a brother or sister, it would be a big age gap by default.

 

Having said that, I know several families who have exactly that sort of age gap, and it does seem to work, but I think it also changes the sibling relationship. That is, with my brother, with a 2 1/2 yr age gap, we were both each other's best friend and our worst enemy. We were close enough in age to understand each other, and especially by the time we were in high school, had a lot of common friends.

 

With DD's favorite babysitter, who is 16 when her younger sister just turned 7, it's more like older sis is in the same role with younger sis as she is with DD-that is, she is a secondary authority figure, responsible to their parents, and if she plays with the younger child, it's in the role of being the secondary caregiver (even when parents are present), not as a peer.

[Mommy22alyns]

I think it's true, but that doesn't mean it's always good.

 

DS13 and DS5 get along great. Sometimes DS13 will tease DS5, but both take it as fun.

 

DS8 and DS5 get along decently, and play together the most. DS5 idolizes DS8...and sometimes DS8 will manipulate that.

 

DS13 and DS8,well, honestly, do not like each other much. It gets better, then it gets worse, and then better.

 

So yes in my case the bigger age gap means less rivarly...but the closer age gap breeds "closeness" as DS8 and DS5 do so many things together, including having shared a room and sleep together (okay they both sleep in my bed currently whenever DH works at night). But they share toys, etc. So much they do together that DS13 has no interest in and is left out of.

 

I would take the closer age gap anyday, myself. Rivarly will eventually be grown out of, but that closeness, hopefully that will always be there.

 

 

My sister is 9 years younger than me. There was never any "rivalry" because we had two completely different experiences of childhood. She was a cute little 6 year old while I was a 15 year old - guess who got favored? We were never close and don't even speak to each other.

 

I didn't want that kind of gap for my kids and we got lucky with an almost exactly 2 year age gap (2 years, 3 days). The girls love each other, play together constantly, have many of the same interests... do they bicker? Of course, that pretty much happens anywhere. But at the end of the day they can't stand to be apart.

[CanaryMelody]

DD1, DD2 - 7 years apart. Relationship very rocky. DD2 adores DD1 but DD1 treats her like dirt, is very jealous of her, etc. Nothing in common but a love of horses and DD1 won't share her knowledge or interest with DD2. :confused: No close relationship there. In fact as DD2 gets older she is starting to realize how much she doesn't want to be like DD1. :(

 

DD2, DS1 - 2 years apart. Rarely argues. Very close. Plays beautifully.

 

DS2 - still a bit young so not sure how the older ones will relate with him. Everyone generally adores him and he gets passes for much misbehavior. lol

[dirty ethel rackham]

My older sister was 6 when I was born and she hasn't forgiven me since:). The only reason why we didn't have a lot of overt conflict was due to the fact that I was afraid of her and her horrible temper. While there may be less conflict, there is also distance in relationships. I have seen several families with those large age gaps. While there didn't appear to be much rivalry, the siblings did not have close relationships. They had very little in common. I believe that the quality of sibling relationships has less to do with age gaps and more to do with how a family functions, how they handle conflict ("don't call me unless there is blood" vs. teaching them respectful conflict resolution) and how they foster relationships.

[Murphy101]

Oldest gets along best with his 7 years younger sister.

Second oldest gets along with everyone except his older brother and gets along best with third and fourth oldest boys.

Third oldest gets along with everyone, but best with second oldest.

Fourth oldest spends most of his time with his two next oldest brothers, younger by 20 months sister, and younger by a couple years brother.

Fifth dc and first girl gets along best with oldest brother, 21 months younger brother, and 7 years younger sister.

6th dc/son is best friends with his big sister.

7th dc/son and 8th dc/dd tend to gravitate to each other more than to other siblings.

8th dc/girl plays with big bro 23 months older than her. She bickers constantly with her baby sister that is younger by 3 years.

9 th dc/girl is 3 and plays with anyone that obeys her.:tongue_smilie:

Baby boy is 7 months old and generally adored and spoiled by everyone.

 

I'm the youngest by ten years and have almost no relationship with any of my siblings. They pretty much never forgave me for being born. The three of them are 9 and 10 months apart and they don't get along any better with each other.

 

I think it's all bunk and nonsense. There is so much that factors into friendships. Age, interests, finances, personalities, attitudes, parenting...

[NanceXToo]

I have found from personal experience and from observing my friend's kids that 5 years is a bad gap. My 2 that are 5 years apart (oldest and third) are oil and water, however the 7 year gap (oldest and youngest) are just fine. My youngest kids are 2 years apart and best friends.

 

So, that may well be true about 6+.

 

I was gonna say, I guess I missed it by a year lol. My younger two are five years apart (6 and 11) and sometimes play nicely and other times bicker and get on each others nerves!

 

Hoping to have one more one of these days so will have to see if that holds true next time! :P

[PaigeP]

thanks for the input, all!

[Shellers]

I remember when I was a kid my mom told me she had read an article that said the worst combo would be to have a girl and then a boy four years later. My mom had two kids, I'm the older girl and my brother is almost exactly four years (3 years, 364 days) younger . I remember fighting all the time with my brother and nothing has really changed.

 

My four kids all get along great. The worst tension is between my DD#1 and DD#3. They are seven years apart.

[ThreeBlessings]

There is definitely more sibling rivalry between my older two who are just under two years apart. They have a definite love/hate thing going on and are the best of friends or the worst of enemies at any given moment. My youngest has a 6+ year gap from them and there isn't much rivalry at all. They are very understanding of her and she is treated like the baby of the family by us all.

 

That said, my sister and I had very little gap in age and she hated me when we were children, but now we are very good friends. We call each other all the time and talk about everything. My older brother had a large gap in age from me and we got along well in childhood. He didn't like some decisions I made, mostly my choice of boyfriend and he disowned me. My brother has since apologized, years later, but our relationship has just never picked back up. I'm still with the same man and we are great together, he is a good man and father and I feel so fortunate to be his partner in life.

 

So yeah, I do think a 6+ age gap certainly can mean less sibling rivalry in childhood, but as far as their lifelong relationships I doubt it has little to do with anything.

[Carrie12345]

Technically, I suppose there was less rivalry with my youngest sister (7yrs younger) than my other sister (3 years younger). I think it had a lot to do with our having much less in common, so the opposite of rivalry was NOT closeness, you know?

 

My 13yods argues with 4yods a LOT, but so do the 8 and 9yos. 4 year olds are such pains! ;)

 

All of my kids are very lovey dovey with the 1 year old.

 

There's so much more to it than age gap.

[YLVD]

My friend mailed me an article on how age gaps (the article focused on 6+yr gaps) have this benefit of reducing bickering/fighting among siblings. My friend mailed it to me as she knows about our gap (I'm pregnant and there will be this type gap in our family). We didn't OPT for the gap; just happened this way. I thought that the gap would promote bickering (little brother/sister getting into big sibling's stuff, tagging around constantly, etc.). Anyone experience this sibling rivalry REDUCTION with such a gap and do you attribute it TO the gap?:bigear:

 

Yes and Yes

 

My sister is 10 years younger and I know this is why we have never had fighting or rivalry. There just wasn't anything to fight about, too large of a difference.

 

While I only have one kid, that's one reason why I never would have had them close together. I would have wanted at least five years between them

[DarlaS]

My kids are all 3 years + 3 mos apart in age. That means (since there are four of them) that there are two sets of kids 6.5 years apart (1st & 3rd, 2nd & 4th) and one set (1st & 4th) nearly 10 years apart.

 

They all get along pretty well most of the time. My dd does make a bit of a point of trying to annoy the oldest. :tongue_smilie:. Otherwise, I haven't noticed much difference in siblings right next to each other, and the ones further apart. Maybe the kids are 6+ years older do seem to cut the younger ones a little more slack. After all, when my youngest was born, the oldest was almost 10.

 

ETA: I am the youngest of five, and the next nearest sibling, a brother, was 6 years older. I ended up feeling like an only child quite a lot. My earliest memories seldom involve my siblings. They were all in school, and it wasn't long and the oldest three left home.

Edited January 30, 2012 by darlasowders

[Alphabetika]

We have 4.5 years between our first two, and #3 came when dd1 was 15 and dd2 was nearly 11. No traditional rivalry between the olders and the toddler so far. As for #1 and #2, I found that some combinations of ages have been harder than others. For instance, 12 and 8 was not their finest hour. But now that they're almost-18 and 13, they've gotten along very well for a couple of years. All glory to God! ;)