Would you describe your DH's relationship with his mother

[Danestress]

as "close" or "very close?"

 

And if so, what does their relationship look like? Do they talk on the phone? Have lunch? Enjoy any activities together? Does he share problems with her? Enjoy spending time with her? Email her? Not really see or talk to her much but feel close anyway?

[Crissy]

I would say Very Close. They see each other about once a week (he is usually doing odds and ends jobs on the family farm) outside of regular family get-togethers and holidays.

They know each other extremely well.

[Joker]

I think dh and his mom are close. They talk on the phone about once a week and the topics vary but they don't shy away from important topics. We live far apart but when we do visit dh tries to do a few things around their house that they can't. They laugh a lot together on the phone.

[kchara]

My DH and his mother aren't close at all. They barely speak. She's one of those women that make me wonder if forced sterilization isn't all that bad. (And, ironically, I've tried to encourage him to become closer to her.) I do wish she wasn't like that, though. It would be nice to have a healthy, close relationship with a mother in our family. :)

[elegantlion]

Close, but not super close. He's working in her town right now and hand dinner with her last night. They talk on the phone every few months.

 

She has a different approach to her adult children. She is very hands off in the day to day happenings. While I think she appreciates her teen/adult grandchildren she has never been the babysitting kind of grandma. I know she cares and has specific reasons for why she treats people this way, it can seem distant if you're looking from my side.

 

OTOH my parents are very close to us and my dh talks to my mom more than his own.

[Barb_]

No, he's closer to my mother.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It's hard to answer this. He loves her very much and is there at a drop of a hat for her. But their conversations aren't particularly deep or personal unless she is asking him a question more in his pastoral capacity. He sees them probably about once a month and talks on the phone to either his mom or dad about once a month unless they are having health issues in which he will check on them at least daily.

[blondeviolin]

I would say moderately close. We do live nearly 700 miles away so that impacts things. When we are close, he's a momma's boy and invites her to do nearly anything he's doing. He calls about once a week to catch up. He doesn't ask for advice because she is "good" at giving unsolicited advice (which we've just learned to smile and nod and disregard sometimes). When we first got married she was the measuring stick I was constantly compared to. His mom is an awesome (albeit odd at times) lady.

[Karen in CO]

I would say "bad, very bad".

[Mejane]

Mil died three years ago, but they were very close. He called her at least once a week, and he still tears up when he hears the song "You've Got a Friend" because it reminds him of her. An Italian mother and her boy - not unexpected. :)

[LittleIzumi]

Moderately close. They had some issues growing up & hold a lot of different beliefs , but they do talk a couple of times a month & he goes up (45 min away) & helps her with stuff & invites her to come to most holidays here & birthdays, or if we go up near her he'll invite her to come along, etc.

[Kathleen in VA]

Very close. Dh talks to his mom every day and takes her to her physical therapy and doctor's appointments about 2-3 times a month (if he can get those days off). His dad died a year and a half ago, so Dh has been making an extra special effort to be there for his mom.

[SilverMoon]

I'd say, somewhat close. They talk to each other maybe once a month or so, and we see them once or twice a year.

 

Their relationship often confuses me. :tongue_smilie: (I don't have "real" parents to compare this to.)

[Rosie_0801]

Hard to say. The love is there on both sides, but they would certainly get along better if she was a better person. Now he's working in the city, he and his parents are having lunch every few weeks, but she has a nasty habit of sending follow up emails. They are usually of the negative sort. She's a bit cowardly like that. If she'd cut that out, she'd have her sweet little boy back, wrapped around her finger.

 

Rosie

[MissKNG]

I describe their relationship as "estranged".

[arghmatey]

I think they are healthily close. They talk about once a week if convenient for both of them, we invite her over about once a month to grill, and we go over to her house about once a month to chat and do house repairs for her. He definitely puts us before her, but I am very flexible about accommodating her since she's reasonable with her requests.

[littlebug42]

It's hard to answer this. He loves her very much and is there at a drop of a hat for her. But their conversations aren't particularly deep or personal .

 

I talk to MIL almost daily and she is very involved in the girls' lives but I have to say before they were born, we probably only saw her monthly or so at best. I was not terribly close to her in the beginning but was very close to my FIL. His illness with cancer and subsequent death really brought us closer together. MIL is much closer to BIL but he is younger and unmarried.

[melissel]

Very close, and I think very healthy. They talk a few times a week, we (or DH and the kids) visit every 2-3 weeks, and they're very comfortable together, like old friends. She's not manipulative at all, and is a wonderful MIL in general. She has her own life and is generally pretty independent, though she has her moments where she wants one of her sons to support her through something more than I'd expect. I know that I'm very lucky in the MIL department!

[canadianmomtofour]

Not very close. Dh learned to cut himself off emotionally from her when he was 10 and was sent to boarding school against his will. He still has a lot of lingering resentment over that.... He had a very traditional stiff, British upbringing.

[Liz CA]

Not close at all. She gushes too much yet dh cannot have a meaningful conversation with her - or rarely. Kind of sad. I hope my son views me differently.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Not close, but not strained. He talks to her about once a week on the phone. She lives 5 minutes away but we see her once a month at the most. She is kind of naggy and critical, but dh doesn't seem to mind.

[katemary63]

My DH's mother is a nacissistic lunatic. We are both counting the days. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. :sad:

 

He treats her with respect when she calls about once a week but gets off the phone as soon as he can. He helps her when she asks for it. He never initiates contact with her. He'd just as soon never speak to her again. As of this year, we no longer have holidays with them. They live adjacent to our property. It's very difficult.

[Veritaserum]

as "close" or "very close?"

 

And if so, what does their relationship look like? Do they talk on the phone? Have lunch? Enjoy any activities together? Does he share problems with her? Enjoy spending time with her? Email her? Not really see or talk to her much but feel close anyway?

 

Very close (*coughtooclosecough*). She lives with us. They see each other and talk all the time. Even when she lived on the other side of the country, they spoke frequently and were close. I've recently let it be known that I need more emotional space, so MIL and FIL are going to move out in a few months.

[Murphy101]

My dh doesn't do any of the items mentioned.

I'm sure they love each other, but they aren't particularly close. No animosity, just don't have much to talk about.

[Wheres Toto]

Very close. They talk on the phone every Thursday. She lives about 2 1/2 hours away but he goes down to visit her about once every month or so. Which works for me since he brings the little guys and I get a kid-free weekend. :thumbup:

[Old Dominion Heather]

This describes dh. They are not particularly close, she lives about 50 miles away. We see them pretty rarely, maybe 5 times a year.

[jelbe5]

Very close. My in laws live in Green Bay and we live in the Chicagoland area. I also have a very close relationship with my mil; she is truly my second mom. We talk on the phone at least once per week, sometimes more. We don't get to go visit as much as we would like but we enjoy our time together when we do.

[Giraffe]

Very close. They talk daily, he worries if he can't get hold of her. She lives 2 blocks away.

 

Don't get between a Turkish mother and her son! I'm very close to my MIL as well. She is my second mother and I love her.

[meggie]

They talk once a week on Sundays. I guess they're pretty close, but since there's a big gap between DH and the rest of his siblings, she's very busy taking care of them, so mostly he talks with his dad. No complaints here.

 

ETA: Whoops, I mean no complaints with him and his relationship to his parents, NOT that he's talking to his dad more

Edited March 8, 2011 by meggie

[ChristusG]

I'd say somewhat close.

 

Growing up, MIL's and DH's roles were sort of reversed. She always ended up in abusive relationships and had financial troubles. DH found himself usually being "the man of the house", listening to her problems, consoling her when she was down, etc. So she never really "took care" of him...it was the other way around. Therefore, he doesn't have as much respect for her as a mother or a "person elder than him."

 

Due to that lack of respect, he can treat her a bit harshly sometimes. It's because he's playing the role of the father, much like he always has. He tries to tell her what to do, scolds her, etc. There are times when I've had to step in and ask him to speak more nicely with her. He always realizes it after I speak to him and he apologizes to her.

 

He loves her and cares for her. She lives two states away but he flies her down here once or twice a year and she stays with us for about two weeks. He does call her on the phone about once a week.

 

So he's close....just not in the traditional way.

[danybug]

My dh is "estranged" from his mom. She was awful to us (well...me)when we first got married and my dh eventually had to tell her to stop and that was it. But she was never a real mother to him growing up and was actually kind of awful, so it hurts him but not in the way of missing her day to day.

 

Gosh, this thread is making me really think about how I want to maintain a relationship with my sons and eventually their future wives. I would be devastated if my sons were not an integral part of my life.

[BMW]

My dh has a lot of respect for his mother, even knowing that she is not perfect and can sometimes get a bit "dramatic". We both love her. She worked hard being a housekeeper and a mom. She adores dh. Dh stops by MIL and FIL's house a couple times a week, checking in on them (they aren't too elderly, but, you never know how much time you have... and his dad has a bad heart). I would never want things to be otherwise.

[Carrie12345]

Dysfunctional

 

She calls several times a week (sometimes every day, sometimes multiple times) to complain about her husband, her daughter, her mother, her sister, her 'friends', her finances...

 

He loves her too much to put his foot down hard enough. And by hard enough, I mean hard enough to go straight through to China, because I think that's what it'd take!

[dm379]

Dh hasn't talked to his mom in 9 yrs. She asked for a paternity test when dd was born so dh said buh-bye. Yes, we were married for a while when she was conceived. Every once in a while I ask if he wants to call her and he says no.

[Amy loves Bud]

Hmmm. I wouldn't say "close" as in meaningful conversations and a tight family bond. But Bud is a very dutiful son. His mother only drives within a small distance from her home, so he makes sure she can get wherever she wants to go. He takes her out to lunch about once a week, and if he is driving in a direction he thinks she might like to go for shopping or something, he will offer to take her with him. He takes care of any little odds and ends she needs done around the house.

 

She's a little bit "off" mentally and I don't really believe she is capable of a close relationship emotionally. But her relationship with Bud is by far the closest one she has.

[May]

When dh's mother was living, I would describe their relationship as close. They talked at least once a week and he would make trips in to see her. We are military and never lived close by. She died about five years ago, a few days before Christmas. Dh delivered her funeral sermon.

[mommaduck]

We are on "no contact" with his mother. She has NPD and is extremely toxic.

[vettechmomof2]

close, talk on the phone. happy when visiting

[LBS]

She would say they are very close, but she is not exactly warm....more demanding of her due, hugs/kisses/calls/chores. My husband does her and FIL's every bidding, on their schedule....he does love them, but its more duty oriented. He'd say they were close, maybe very close.

 

He had a great, more fulfilling relationship with my mother, lot of respect. All good.

 

We're just grateful to be products of married-forever parents, both of us.

 

LBS

[Stacy in NJ]

I would say close. They speak on the phone probably 2 or 3 times per month usually for a long conversation. They don't get together for lunch or activities, but I'm guessing most sons/mothers don't. He values her opinion because she's a thoughtful person, but probably doesn't share really intimate information with her.

[justamouse]

Dh adores his mother. He has a deep respect for her. We do love to spend time together, and they enjoy eachother's company a lot. We are *very* blessed with her, this I know. We would take her in in a heartbeat, and we all talk to her at least once a week, and she'll call him at work when she wants. She has access to *the red phone*. :p

[Lori C- Texas]

Not close at all. MIL lives about 5 hours away. Dh calls her on her birthday and Christmas. I have to remind dh to call. She has never called our house. We see her about 1 or 2 times a year. She has only been to our house maybe 3 times in our 14 years of marriage. There was no falling out or fight. Dh says it has been this way since he graduated and left for college 20 years ago.

 

This is so weird for me to understand. I know where my parents and brothers are all the time. My parents calls almost every day or I call them. I talked to my brothers all the time. It was very weird getting use to dh's side of the family not being in touch with each other.:confused: Especially, when there was no falling out or anything traumatic. Weird to just forget about each other.

[TravelingChris]

My MIL has been dead for 14 years but since I have been married to dh for 25 years, I will answer for the time before she died. They weren't very close. He was closer to her before she decided to stop speaking to him for days because he had decided to become an Air Force Officer. He also had been more estranged with his father. After that, things switched. She always had criticisms for both him and me. BUt they were done in underhanded ways. His father was just a very forthcoming person- no sly digs, nothing underhanded. We only saw them a few times after he joined the AF. Mainly because they didn't want to travel since we were willing to pay for their trips to see us. But MIL, when she came, still always had comments about the AF, comments about how we were parenting, comments about how we lived in general. It would have been one thing if she was comparing her son (my dh) to some more successful sons. BUt the thing was he was the only one anyone would consider successful. His three older brothers were and are still bums- no one has a job, no one has any measure of success that anyone would consider. SHe would come and compare him (getting a PhD) with his brother who was an alcoholic then working at a convenience store and compare dh negatively. Oh, and it wasn't that dh was unkind or uncharitable or demanding or anything like that. Those words described his brothers but the fatal flaw that dh exhibited was making a career and a family that wasn't in the neighborhood.

[KidsHappen]

Very good but not very close. Her speaks to her about once a month and visits when he can. I know he loves her and appreciates everything that she has done for him. I am not terribly close to her either but I do feel very strongly (and positively) for her. She has been my MIL more than half my life(honestly 3/5 ths).

[mom2denj]

Close, but they definitely do not hang out. I hang out with her though.:D

[The Girls' Mom]

Pretty close, but dh likes his space :D His mother lives in another state, so......

 

They do talk on the phone nearly every day, although often it's a very short call.

[stephanier.1765]

Non-existent. That goes for his entire side of the family. I'm Facebook friends with his sister so I'm able to keep the line of communications open enough that he at least knows whatever big stuff is happening like when his step-mother recently passed away.

[Caitilin]

Super-close. They talk daily; her primary relationship is with him (dh is her only child and she is a single mother). This can make things awkward for us as a couple, since, obviously, my primary relationship is with him also.

[prov31mama]

They have always been VERY close, and it has been hard to deal with at times.

[Aspasia]

I would not consider my dh and his mother close. They have a really...formal relationship. And that's mostly because of her. She's a great lady and she loves her kids (all eight of them) but she just isn't as chummy with her kids as my mom is with us. For example, my mom calls me like three times a week and she's the first person I go to for most things. But dh talks to his mom about once a month, and really only to update her about significant things (because he feels like he should). It's strange. He thinks so, too. He wants a different kind of relationship with our kids, for sure.

 

That said, he is *very* sweet to and about her. It drives me nuts sometimes (because sometimes she can be ridiculous), but it's nice to have a husband who treats his mom so sweetly. Needless to say, he treats me very sweetly as well.