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I NEED you tell me I am CRAZY for even thinking about it


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UPDATE ON #102 and 108

So we got a call today from the adoption liason. There is a young girl about to give birth to a baby girl (Due Feb 16) and she is FRIENDS with the girl we adopted Natalie from. She wants us to adopt her baby too.

 

OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

Edited by Heather in NC
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OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

 

I don't see what your age has to do with anything; you're not 80. :p

 

Maybe you're sad because you WANT to do this and you're letting some 'rule' that you made ("she's our last") stand in your way when you can easily change it if you both want?

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Having 2 little girls about the same age might work out very well for you. They would be playmates. Having 2 close together has it's advantages.

 

:iagree:

 

I can think of a lot of reasons for adopting the baby, here are a few -

40 is not too old to have a baby.

Four is a nice even number.

Sisters, especially those close in age share a special bond.

You feel sad about the thought of saying no.

 

The possible negatives -

Added expense - another child to feed and educate.

You don't feel you can handle one more physically or emotionally.

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We have two boys and they are 6 years apart. It has been very difficult for the two of them as they have nothing in common. I hope later in life that will change?

 

6 years won't mean much for most of their lives but they are at different stages growing up. I had my dc at 38 and 40 so I wouldn't rule out another based on your age. :D This is really all about me. I had a chance to adopt a baby when my dd was 1 and it seemed like they would be too close in age for me so we didn't do it. I've always regretted it.

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Guest CarolineUK

I was 43 when DS3 was born. I'll be 47 next week, feeling often old and tired, but if someone asked me to adopt a newborn baby girl, well to say that I'd jump at it and be beside myself with happiness would not even begin to describe it. Oh, please, go for it. Don't you think maybe it's meant to be? If it were me, however much I felt it was maybe not the right thing to do, I'd be afraid that if I didn't I might regret it for the rest of my life.

 

That wasn't what I supposed to tell you was it. Sorry :D.

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Can I tell you you're crazy for not thinking about it? We have church friends who adopted one, just one, little girl from China three years ago. Then another, then another. Mom and Dad were not young to begin with. The three girls are now (about) 6, 8, and 9, and their older siblings are 21, 16, and 12.

 

Praying for you and your dh to see God's will, Heather, whatever that may be.

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I wish I could take her....

 

How does your husband feel?

 

Think carefully before you say yes or no (obviously.)

 

I was adopted...and my mother told me she never wanted me, but couldn't say no because the agency called her and my dad thought it had to be "fate." My mother thought I was cute, but she really was not the mothering kind... So, if you really feel this is too much for you, you could always help her find another someone who is dying to have a baby...KWIM? OR, your heart may be saying..."I wasn't thinking of this for us, but now that it is here...I REALLY want this darling baby."

 

I would jump at the chance to adopt a baby...and am now trying to get myself healthy enough to even consider foster care.

 

I am not always sure that opportunities that present themselves are "fate," or that God means them as some sort of "sign" but, sometimes they are...Only you and your husband (and maybe even your older kids) can decide.

 

God bless you no matter what your decision...I know it is one of those ****ed if I do...****ed if I don't propositions....

 

xoxox

Faithe

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Get on your knees.

Stay open.

He'll take care of the rest.

 

Maybe you are there "for such a time as this." (Can you tell I'm studying Esther? :D)

 

Remember way back when, when you were considering Malaysia? Didn't I tell you to stand back, 'cause He had miracles to show you? Didn't I? :D:D

 

"more than we can even ask..."

 

Oh, my heart is all squoze up for you!

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Maybe you could try each decision on for a couple days and see how it feels. So you decide no... how does it feel over the next couple days? Do you feel relieved? Does it feel like a loss? Then you decide yes... how does that make you feel? Stressed? Happy? Of course you're likely to feel all of these feelings regardless, but there will likely be a majority thought that takes place that can help you see your true heart on the matter.

 

Or another similar approach... imagine the adoption liason calls you up and says they just found another perfect family for the baby so you no longer need to consider this. How does that feel? Are you happy for the match, or sad for your loss? (This is the Rachel test, for those who were fans of Friends.)

 

All the best to you whatever you decide. I'm sure it will turn out pefectly, and exactly as it is meant to be. :grouphug:

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Give your dd a SISTER! my girls are three years apart and very close. BTW I had them when I was 34 and 37!!!!!!

 

40 is not too old. You are only one year older than you were when you got your first baby girl :)

 

This sounds like it was meant to be. If you do not take this child you will spend the rest of your life thinking "If only...".

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We have one bio and one adopted child, and went through an adoption dissolution with a third child after some very frightening behaviors on the child's part. (It's a long story, but not one I want to post on the internet, so I'm being intentionally cryptic about it.)

 

We are D-O-N-E having or adopting children, and we're very happy with our family as it is now. However, if someone called me today and said, "We know of a newborn baby whose birth mother picked you," I'd be conflicted.

 

No sage advice, but I can completely understand your dilemma.

 

Hugs,

 

Lisa

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Heather,

 

I know that until recent years, our culture has indoctrinated us into the concept that 40 year olds shouldn't be having babies even by adoption. Sometimes I wonder with all the emphasis on the risk of this or the risk of that being higher in pregnancy when maternal is over 36 that this concept of, "you better get your baby having over with in your 30's", has spilled over even into adoption.

 

But, your age...nope...not too old. Not at all. If anything, you're older and wiser, more patient, you're a pro at the mom thing. The added bonus is that you don't have pregnancy taking a toll on you physically.

 

So, please don't consider age as part of this.

 

I haven't read all of the posts so I'm going to throw this out there assuming that no one here has yet mentioned it. When we checked into international adoption before we aged out of the system for the countries we were interested in, one of the things that many social workers and parents who had adopted inter-ethnicity had encouraged us to do was to adopt two and especially since we wanted a girl...get another one and as close in age as possible. It seemed like some "out there" advice. But, their advice made sense once they explained. We live in a very rural, very "white" area. We do have some persons of non-European ancestry but not many. Girls can be much more in tune with being "different" during the teen years. More so than boys. Sisters close in age have a lot to offer each other in commisseration and support. We have a very loving and accepting family and church...our church would be a wonderful family for internationally adopted children...unforunately, though nine families have all expressed a desire to and have pursued it, dh and I were the only ones that had an income that would allow them to do it. (Median Average income in this county is $32,000.00 and many times that represents a full time parent and one part time working parent. So coming up with $20,000.00 just wasn't going to happen for them.) Unfortunately, Dh and I really wanted to adopt from Latin America (Nicaragua, Guatamala, etc.) or Ethiopia. Unforunately, the adoption practices of the Ehtiopian government is that neither parent should be more than 40 years older than the child they want to adopt and we wanted a child two and under....we REALLY miss the baby stage. For Latin America, once we were both over 40, we aged completely out of the system unless we could take a child over 5. We were really extra worried about RAD if we took a child over 5.

 

So, I have to tell you....if we were in Malaysia now and this little girl were offered to us oldies (we'll be 43 and 47 this spring) we'd be in line with the carseat and diaper bag the instant she popped out!

 

That said, we aren't you. You are living internationally and that's just completely complicated compared to stateside, there will be serious expenses involved and you work for a Christian school so it isn't like you're rolling in mulah, you've been trying to plan a trip home with Natalie and of course, if you are in the middle of an adoption you won't be able to leave, plus lots of other complications.

 

There isn't a right or wrong answer here. I think it would be very beneficial for Natalie to have a sister so close developmentally. Natalie is only one member of her beautiful family that needs to be considered. She can't be the only consideration. Pray about it a lot and I'll put this in my prayer journal so I can remember to lift you to the Lord. Hopefully others will do the same. You need to be at peace with whatever decision you and hubby make.

 

As for the boys, they will work it out when they get older. I am 13 years older than my sister and my brother was 17 when she was born. We grew up, left home, got married, and had babies of our own while she was still a little girl. At the time, we didn't really think we'd ever be "close" with this little black haired, ringleted monster child. But, she's grown now and the three of us are TIGHT! Your little men will find a lot more in common as they age and appreciate each other as adults. Just keep looking for ways to help them bond.

 

Faith

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Okay Heather, most are saying yes and I would be too if it wasn't that the immigration problem was so problematic for you. DOes this mean you never see grandparents? How much does it add to the time you need to stay in Malaysia without leaving for the US or even visiting? IF it doesn't add time or more immigration issues you can't accept, I would consider it. But if it keeps your oldest from going back to the US to visit grandparents or just his country, I would be trending no.

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Okay Heather, most are saying yes and I would be too if it wasn't that the immigration problem was so problematic for you. DOes this mean you never see grandparents? How much does it add to the time you need to stay in Malaysia without leaving for the US or even visiting? IF it doesn't add time or more immigration issues you can't accept, I would consider it. But if it keeps your oldest from going back to the US to visit grandparents or just his country, I would be trending no.

 

Exactly. You would have to factor in everything going wrong with this second child's immigration status. And then see how you fee with that timeline.

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If you said you were fighting the urge to go out and find another infant to adopt, I'd encourage you to think twice. But you have done nothing, and here she is, ASKING to be let into your home. In this case I encourage you to think twice before turning down this privilege. Especially if dh is on board.

 

What are the alternatives for this new child?

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Oh, word, I remember last year my hope when you first learned of your daughter, and then my heartbreaking for you when you thought you weren't going to be able to get her. . . then your pure joy when you got your daughter.

 

I am sure you experienced similar hope and joy when your first two sons joined your family.

 

Let the shock wear off a bit and then let this idea settle into your heart. . . and see what feelings it brings you. How do those feelings compare?

 

It is very normal to have some conflicted feelings when you become pregnant unexpectedly with a later child (or any child I suppose) when you hadn't been planning a pregnancy. I know many of us have had similar conflicted thoughts about trying for a third, fourth, etc. . . Usually these feelings settle out pretty quickly, but sometimes it takes longer.

 

I'd ALWAYS said, "It's better to have one too few children than one too many." but it was still a bitter pill to swallow when dh decided firmly that #3 was our last. My conflicted heart had a very hard time accepting it . . . still does. I wonder if many of us would feel like this *always* and that no number would feel peacefully as the *last*. But, obviously, that is not reasonable in reality.

 

Consider all the options and ramifications, pray, be with yourself, and you will make the best choice. Either path will be the right one for your family. Your heart is so clearly in the right place that I am sure everyone on this board who has read your prior posts would agree that you WILL make the right choice, no matter which it is.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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More details to consider....

 

 

Pros

We can afford it. It will cost us about $4000 to adopt her (a far cry from the $23,000 we spent to adopt our ds from Korea!)

 

Our job gives us a "child allowance" for each child so this would actually give us an increase in pay (which we would use to give our nanny a big raise!) and it covers insurance for the kids as well as the cost to fly them home, etc.

 

We have the "stuff"... we had NOTHING when we got Natalie...now we have everything!

 

And then there's the obvious things you have all stated... they will be close in age, playmates, close bond, etc. (I don't have a sister and I always wondered about it....)

 

Four IS a nice round number. :D

 

 

Cons

The biggest con is the immigration issue. It's a pain...not an unresolvable pain...but a pain. Worst case scenario is we would have to stay two more school years which is 2.5 years from now. That's how long it COULD take to get citizenship for the 2nd baby girl. We have already committed to coming back for another school year so we would just have to set ourselves up for 2 more years instead of 1.

 

That's a big commitment. But we originally signed for two years and we have been here 1.5 years already and it has FLOWN by.

 

We'll need a bigger vehicle. :D That's not necessarily a con though as I can't stand our car right now anyways.

 

 

The visit this summer? I would have to put that out of my mind. Her adoption in Malaysia would not even be final yet so there is no way we could take her to the U.S. even if we COULD take Natalie. But, we still don't even know about Natalie so....

 

The good news is that if we don't go to the U.S. this summer, the school gives us the money they would have used to buy the plane tickets.

 

You are all so awesome. I know a lot of people will say we are crazy! I just called my BFF in Michigan and she said to GO FOR IT. For some reason I feel more nervous about this than I did when we got Natalie...I think it is because I have never had two close together before and I wonder if I can do it? But our ahma lives with us so I have lots of help.

 

OK, now that you have all the info... :tongue_smilie:

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OK, now that you have all the info... :tongue_smilie:

 

Go for it!!!! :grouphug: You have everything already, you said so yourself! Btw, my dad and his brother are 10 months apart, and are very very close. My niece and nephew are 14 months apart, and even though they're different genders, they're very close too. A year apart is a blessing!

 

But make it known in the community that this new baby will be your last.

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Having 2 little girls about the same age might work out very well for you. They would be playmates. Having 2 close together has it's advantages.

 

3 is a hard number. Everyone says it get easier w/4. Natalie needs a sister. You're ONLY 40. Go for it! :D

 

ETA: If you really wanted us to tell you you're crazy- then we aren't much help, are we? lol

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:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I don't have any advice for you, Heather, but I know that you and your dh will make the best decision for your family. It's easy for any of us to say yes or no, but we're not the people who will have a lifelong responsibility for this new little person if we said yes, or who might feel badly afterward if we said no.

 

Take a bit of time to think it over. This isn't the kind of decision you can make in a snap unless it's something you have thought about a lot beforehand.

 

Cat

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We have two boys and they are 6 years apart. It has been very difficult for the two of them as they have nothing in common. I hope later in life that will change?

 

Yes, it will change -- that gap will close as they get older.

 

It would be very difficult for me, in your situation, to say no. Trust your instincts. Thoughts and prayers.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

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Having 2 little girls about the same age might work out very well for you. They would be playmates. Having 2 close together has it's advantages.

 

I was thinking this too. God brought us our middle daughter through adoption, and then when she was 4 months old we found out that we were expecting (a baby that even our Dr. called a 'miracle'). So, they are 12 months and 7 days apart. The first year was SO hard - I don't even remember a lot of it. But, now I am so thankful that they have each other. I know that God designed our family. The girls play together all day, ever day. Sometimes they argue, but for the most part they are best friends.

 

I guess I would revisit the reasons why you think that you should not have any more kids. And pray about it together, and then see if you think that God is giving you this opportunity for a reason.

 

FWIW, my Dad & his wife are having their first baby together (due in May), and he is 55 ! People are waiting longer to have kids these days. :lol:

 

Hope you get some peace about this!

 

Jess

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We have two boys and they are 6 years apart. It has been very difficult for the two of them as they have nothing in common. I hope later in life that will change?

 

My girls are 5 years apart. They have gotten closer as time goes on.

 

My dh was the middle of 3 children- one 8 years older and one 8 years younger. They were very close (as adults- I did not know them as children.)

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So we got a call today from the adoption liason. There is a young girl about to give birth to a baby girl (Due Feb 16) and she is FRIENDS with the girl we adopted Natalie from. She wants us to adopt her baby too.

 

OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

DO IT!!!!! What a blessing!

 

40 isn't too old.

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Go for it. When we began the adoption journey a friend of ours advised that we should pursue every adoption possibility that presented itself. We did, and we still only have 2 children. However, for one birthmother I think that our willingness to take her child without question and give it a loving home helped her thru a very low point in her life. She ended up not placing her child for adoption but knowing we were there she was able to stop her panic and look at her life in a big way. It gave her hope and options she didn't realize she had.

 

I am 41 with a 3yo. Life is busy, wonderful and blessed. I have been referred to as her grandma. Ok, that bothered me LOL. I wish I could add more to this family.

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Dobela,

 

My mom was called "grandma" quite frequently when people would walk up to her to admire my baby sister. Mom was 37 when she was born. I was 13 almost 14 and looked my age. Apparently, people thought I was the mom! A couple of times people told me I had a beautiful little girl; I WAS MORTIFIED!

 

It's amazing to me the assumptions people will make before opening their mouths to someone they do not know.

 

Faith

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But our plans aren't nec. what the Lord has for us. We are "done" too with our 3 adopted kiddos but yet are going through the process of being approved for foster and adoption again.

:iagree:I was in my 50's and my dh in his late 60's when we adopted our two. Goodness my mother was 42 when she gave birth to me.

Not telling you to do this but encouraging you to truly seek His will not your own plans.:001_smile:

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So we got a call today from the adoption liason. There is a young girl about to give birth to a baby girl (Due Feb 16) and she is FRIENDS with the girl we adopted Natalie from. She wants us to adopt her baby too.

 

OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

 

What a compliment that she has sought you out specifically. It must give the young birth mothers some comfort to think their baby girls will be raised together.

 

When I was 40 if my then husband had wanted to adopt a child I would have been all over that. I wouldn't have thought twice about it.

 

:grouphug: Hoping you find peace in your decision.

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I don't see what your age has to do with anything; you're not 80. :p

 

Maybe you're sad because you WANT to do this and you're letting some 'rule' that you made ("she's our last") stand in your way when you can easily change it if you both want?

:iagree:

As for your nerves, I'm betting that I know what its from.

 

All my kids, up until Tazzie and Princess were 6-7 yrs apart. Finding out that Princess was on her way before Tazzie's first birthday completely freaked me out. How would I handle a toddler and a newborn? :willy_nilly:

 

I did it. Were there times I wished I could clone myself? Yup. But its a wonderful kinda crazy, and flies by so fast.

 

Pray about it, and follow His guidance. :grouphug:

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You will do what's right for your family. Trust that whatever decision you make will be right for you and for the baby.

 

Ooooh, but my heart is pounding just reading your post! DH and I are in the midst of our second home study, and then we'll again be waiting for a call. In the interest of this thread - I'll out our ages - I'm 39 and DH is 40. And we are actively hoping to adopt again!

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I was 41 and 43 when I adopted my 2 dc (there are exactly 2 years apart). They are teens now and I have never felt like an old mom, neither does my dh feel old (I am now 57 and have never been mistaken for being my dc's grandmom). So don't let your age stop you from adopting again.

 

By the way, I assume that is you in your avatar, if so, I have always loved that picture. I think you look great.

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