I NEED you tell me I am CRAZY for even thinking about it

[Guest]

I think you should adopt the baby. Even more so since the birth mother specifically requested you. What a blessing!

[Giraffe]

I was barely 39 (almost 40) when DD was born. You can do it.

[justamouse]

Look, after three it's all the same.

 

God just dropped a gift into your arms. I don't know about you, but I would be grabbing it.

 

That mother must know what a wonderful life Natalie has right now and loves her baby enough to want that, too.

 

Just do it.

[littlebug42]

Maybe something good can come from the delayed immigration stuff with Natalie. I would do it. I have a sister 6 years older and we are very close. I love my brother very much but nothing comes close to the bond I have with my sister. When I was pregnant with dd7, I prayer for her to be a girl so my oldest dd would have a sister. They are 2 years apart and they are so close. It makes me so happy they have that bond. Natalie and this new child would have an even greater bond I would think as they would also share the same heritage.

[laughing lioness]

At 48 my dh and I look at each other and say, "gee, wish we'd had another baby or 2"- seriously.

[Cinder]

Haven't read all the replies, but I don't think you're crazy to be thinking about it. I had dd when I was weeks shy of 40, so you're not too old!

 

We know of a family who adopted their son after they knew their family was complete--they had 3 bio kids, 3 adopted. It had been several years since the last adoption. Then agency called them one day and said there was this boy . . . An older child. Medical conditions. Would they consider? They did. It was a difficult decision for them but they did pursue the adoption.

 

Your sadness has a reason. Maybe you're being led to adopt? Or your sadness is just for the general situation of that child. May God grant wisdom and clarity for your decision.

[k10coon]

What would you do if this girl also has a friend who is pregnant and wanted you to adopt?

[Gratia271]

You are not crazy at all. It sounds wonderful to me! :)

[Gratia271]

Look, after three it's all the same.

 

God just dropped a gift into your arms. I don't know about you, but I would be grabbing it.

 

That mother must know what a wonderful life Natalie has right now and loves her baby enough to want that, too.

 

Just do it.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[FeFe]

OK, I think you're CRAZY for even THINKING about this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But not really! (you said you needed that, remember!)

 

Sounds like you have a lot of praying and thinking to do. Praying for you as your sort through this. :grouphug:

[cin]

More details to consider....

 

 

Pros

We can afford it. It will cost us about $4000 to adopt her

 

The good news is that if we don't go to the U.S. this summer, the school gives us the money they would have used to buy the plane tickets.

 

 

Sounds like the cost would be negligible with the plane ticket refund. Not 4K is much to invest in a life! I've got one from China and one from VN, so 4k sounds FABULOUS!!!! ;)

 

One thing that I havent seen mentioned yet, and maybe I shouldn't bring it up, but....What will happen to baby girl if YOUR family doesn't adopt her? Is there another family? Or is it the orphanage? Not trying to impose guilt, although it sounds like it. But this is something that *I* would take into account. IF I could afford it, and IF it wouldn't disrupt us too much, and IF no would mean an orphanage, then we would say YES. If she would be going to another family, then I would look at it completely differently.

[Storm Bay]

So we got a call today from the adoption liason. There is a young girl about to give birth to a baby girl (Due Feb 16) and she is FRIENDS with the girl we adopted Natalie from. She wants us to adopt her baby too.

 

OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

 

I don't think that you're crazy to even be thinking about it :). There are many factors to consider, and I'm sure that the mother of this baby would feel much happier if the two girls were growing up together, but you have to consider what's best for your family.

 

On the one hand, it costs more to have another child, you'd have to start all over again with another on US citizenship, etc. Yes, it's more work over the years, and there is a possibliity they won't always get along and that you'll have to deal with sibling rivalry. You're going to be going through all those hormonal changes women go through, and unles you go through menopause earlier than average, you will be dealing with that when the girls are going through puberty. That last factor is important to consider, IMO, since I had my dd's at 35 & 38, which means that we have been going through changs at the same time. Of course, lots of families do this without too much trouble.

 

On the other hand, they could make great playmates, and it might be easier for you because they might entertain each other more. You may be able to school them together due to the close proximity in age (but that's no guarantee.) It may be that you are one of those women who barely notice perimenopause, and the girls might be relatively mild.

 

 

Sure, you are 40, but you're only 40 (I had ds when I was 40).

QUOTE=Jinnah;2365953]I think you should adopt the baby. Even more so since the birth mother specifically requested you. What a blessing!

 

This is what I think, too, but I thought I ought to lay those other things out for you. I've heard that from 3-4 is the easiest transition, but I given that you had your others so many years apart, it would be a new adventure to have two so little at once.

I think the format used for posting caused the groups to not work. You had to go to the end of the thread to see the latest post and....I don't know. I just didn't seem like you could keep a running conversation.

 

It was a good idea, but the posting format was not good. Had the format been the same as here, I think it would have worked.

This is really what I think, deep down, but I gave those pros and cons because I felt impelled to lay things on the line honestly.

 

Ultimately you and your dh need to go to God about it, because He knows what's best for all concerned.

Edited January 24, 2011 by Karin

[DaffodilDreams]

Sorry, but I don't think you're crazy to consider another little girl. I wish dd had a close-in-age sibling. I'd consider this chance a tremendous gift, but then I'm not in that situation! :001_smile:

[i.love.lucy]

Get on your knees.

Stay open.

He'll take care of the rest.

 

Maybe you are there "for such a time as this." (Can you tell I'm studying Esther? :D)

 

 

Look, after three it's all the same.

 

God just dropped a gift into your arms. I don't know about you, but I would be grabbing it.

 

That mother must know what a wonderful life Natalie has right now and loves her baby enough to want that, too.

 

Just do it.

:iagree:I can't even imagine if I got a call out of the blue and someone wanted me to adopt their precious baby and money was not an obstacle. I'd be falling all over myself to get there.

 

:grouphug: God had BIG plans for you when he sent you to Malasia!!!

[Twinmom]

Heather, only you know what God is calling you to do. If you don't know now, pray until you do! You may never feel "sure," so feelings are only a part of this. Ask God what role He wants you to play in this child's life and go through open doors where they are presented. Rest assured...if this child is not meant to be a part of your family, she won't be! God has a plan for her and He will accomplish that plan. All He asks is that you be open to His leading. Having been there myself, I can't say that I have any pat answers. However, I will tell you our little story! Perhaps that will help.

 

We married when my DSS was 12, then began to look at adoption when he turned 18. DH was 39 and I was 31 at the time we placed our profile at the agency, hoping to adopt an infant. We welcomed our DD home nine months later, then 20 months after that, we welcomed a DS. Just about the time we figured out that both of our children had special medical needs (one significant!), the birth parents of our son contacted us and explained that they were pregnant with twins. They wanted to know if we would adopt them, even though the birth mother had since become a meth addict and the boys had been significantly exposed. These boys could also carry the same genetic disorder that our DS had, not to mention the fact that our two younger children would be only 3 1/2 and 20 months when the twins would be born. Oh, and DH was now 43 (and had been parenting since he was 21!) and I was now 35. We were not financially prepared for the adoption, nor were we sure of what to do. We prayed, we met with our pastor, we considered all the special needs we'd be dealing with...and we decided that we wanted the children. There were too many balls still in the air to know if this was truly God's will, but we decided that we would go through the open door acting in faith that God would shut it if it were not His will.

 

To make a long story a bit shorter ;), as we proceeded through the adoption process God miraculously cleared every hurdle necessary for us to adopt the twins. Financial burdens went away, emotional hurdles were crossed, legal problems disappeared almost as fast as they appeared. The twins were born testing positive for meth, but the genetic disorder was clearly not present! The door never closed, the path became more clear by the day and today, the twins are ours. It was a challenging process from a faith perspective, but we knew God to be faithful and that He would accomplish His will through us. All He asked us to do was to show up and make ourselves available. Is He asking you the same? :D

 

Best of luck with your decision. I'll be praying for you.

[Night Elf]

Oh man, that's my dream falling into your lap. I'd do that in a new york minute. However, I'm really very happy that you guys feel your family is complete. That's awesome.

[Night Elf]

What would you do if this girl also has a friend who is pregnant and wanted you to adopt?

 

I'm fairly certain she wouldn't be adopting only because this was a friend of the other girl. And she's set to say no, so if she does adopt this baby, it doesn't mean she's always going to say yes.

[Delighted3]

I am 41 and have six children. I would adopt a baby in a heartbeat if the opportunity arose. Sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

JMO,

Joy

[Kalypso]

After reading all the replies, there is not much more that I can add to tell you you are NOT crazy for considering this. I had my last dd at 40. My first 2 dds were 16 months apart, and it was hard at times. But, they are the best of friends and always have been. The best part of having 2 little ones at 40 is that you now have some wisdom and parenting experience that you didn't have with the first ones. I have appreciated my last 2 dc in ways that I didn't the first 2.

 

I think you should do it.:)

[SonshineLearner]

Oh.. that is so incredibly sweet. Remember that you having Natalie was such a miracle, because of religion differences... etc... and now... that sweet young mama has talked to her friend about you... and they want their babies to be raised together. I think it's just perfect!! You're not insane at all to think about this.... With the woman to help you get them out of the infant stages... by the time you get back here... they'll be much older.. and easier.... So the cost won't be a problem, hopefully. Sounds like a Godsend to me!!

:) Let us know how it goes!!! What a compliment from that little girls bio mom to you!!! (well, both of them, actually!!)

[Pippen]

OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

 

Sometimes what we think we know and what God knows aren't the same. I keep a slip of paper in my desk to remind me of that. When I was young I once wrote out my options for the timing my children...in chart form and notes considering various pros and cons.

 

Some years after God didn't go with *my plan*, I found that paper and was incredibly thankful He didn't.

[SonshineLearner]

Oh wait... did you REALLY want me to say you're crazy? :)

[Forget-Me-Not]

I'd say pray about it too. Who knows, maybe this is why it's been so difficult for you to get out of Malaysia?

[Mommy22alyns]

I don't think you're crazy for thinking about it... :auto:

[Lilymax]

I would do it, in a heartbeat. I wish my husband weren't closed to the idea of adoption--I'd love nothing more than adopting a little girl to complete our family--two if they came along! :)

 

I know it's a big decision, though. May God give you guidance and peace with your decision!

[Audrey]

So we got a call today from the adoption liason. There is a young girl about to give birth to a baby girl (Due Feb 16) and she is FRIENDS with the girl we adopted Natalie from. She wants us to adopt her baby too.

 

OK, Natalie is only 1 year old and we have said she is our last. I am 40yo. We should not adopt this baby. We know that.

 

So then why are both dh and I sad?

 

 

You are sad because you know the child needs a home, but you are right that you should not adopt that baby.

 

Considering the hassle you are facing with trying to get Natalie emigrated, which IMO, should be your focus right now, you should also consider the precedent it sets. When would it stop? Are you going to adopt all the babies of all the friends of Natalie's birth mother? Are you going to let all of them guilt you into adopting their babies? Are you going to expend all of your financial and emotional resources accomodating more children when you've already decided you are at your reasonable capacity for parenthood? Do you really need that?

Edited January 24, 2011 by Audrey

[cjzimmer1]

I haven't read the thread but 40 is definitely not to old.

 

Also I've never heard a loving mother regret having a child but I've heard many women regret the child/children they didn't have.

 

My sister has twin boys and a girl who is 4 years younger. My niece is SOOO lonely. SHe wants a sister in the worst way and my sister says no way (she spend months in the hospital each time she is pregnant). My niece does everything she can just to spend time with my girls.

 

You have been handed a golden opportunity. Do your daughter are favor and say yes to her sister.

[mykdsmomy]

But our plans aren't nec. what the Lord has for us. We are "done" too with our 3 adopted kiddos but yet are going through the process of being approved for foster and adoption again.

 

 

Us too ;)

 

OP~ I would pray pray and then pray some more. You're not crazy at all. Sorry to tell you that. You have a heart for His children. Good luck and keep us posted!

[KrissiK]

I wish I'd get a call like that. We've been waiting and waiting for 3+ years now for "baby sister" for Annabeth. The fost/adopt system that gave us our first three is a fairly timely manner has failed us now. I know exactly what I'd do in your situation.

[journeytolily]

Your age shouldn't be an issue; lots of women have children in their 40's, and even into their 50's. If you FEEL like you are physically at your limit, that's one thing, but don't let just a number dissuade you.

 

I first became a mother at 41 when we brought our daughter home from Guatemala. Less than 2 yrs later, we brought home our son. Our "baby" girl, adopted domestically, is now 2, and I was 47 when she was born. We are starting paperwork for #4. I feel young, I am told that I look young. Sometimes, the thought crosses my mind - maybe I AM too old. But I was raised from infancy to adulthood by my grandparents, who were both 48 when I was born. They always told me that I kept them young! AND, they were GREAT parents!!

 

Veronica

[myfunnybunch]

You are not crazy. :grouphug:

 

I hope you make a decision you can be at peace with, either way. (I hope you say yes! :) )

 

Cat

[golfcartmama]

 

Maybe you're sad because you WANT to do this and you're letting some 'rule' that you made ("she's our last") stand in your way when you can easily change it if you both want?

:iagree:

[Ginevra]

Heather, you're so frickin lucky, I'm jealous from eyeball to toenail!

 

I wish baby girls would rain down on me! :D

[WTMindy]

Well, we adopted infant twins at 42, so by my calculations, you are YOUNG!! :001_smile: I LOVE, LOVE having twins and having two little girls close together would be the next best thing!

 

Wait, was I supposed to talk you out of this?!?! ;)

[JudoMom]

Well, we adopted infant twins at 42, so by my calculations, you are YOUNG!! :001_smile: I LOVE, LOVE having twins and having two little girls close together would be the next best thing!

 

Wait, was I supposed to talk you out of this?!?! ;)

 

:lol:

[Twinmom]

Oh, and one more thing to add to my post! After the twins, many people said things like, "So what are you going to do if she gets pregnant again? Take the babies and keep enabling her? Or, what if she has a friend? Or, what if her sister gets pregnant again? You going to take those, too?" It was either that, or "You need to stop at what you can reasonably afford," (as if they knew what that number would be!). This may happen to you as well if you go ahead with this adoption. It's not much different than folks who comment on larger bio families saying, "Don't you know what causes that?" or "The world is overpopulated enough, hon!"

 

Pretty much, I decided to believe that at heart, they meant, "I care about you and don't want to see you stressed or taken advantage of." A few perhaps meant, "You can't take all the cast-offs of the world, you know!" (horrid, but true...there were a couple of folks who meant that!). In any case, my response was (and still is!), "We will do God's will, no matter what that turns out to be."

 

No one but you and God knows what you can handle, and no one's opinion counts but yours and His! :D Oh, and btw...the adoption of the twins was the thing that finally changed our birth mom's life around and turned her back to Christ!

Edited January 24, 2011 by Twinmom

[MarinesWife]

My youngest are girls 22 months apart. They are so GREAT together.

 

My vote would be YES. Most definitely!!!

[Tap]

Wow, what a big thing to think about. On one hand, it would be nice to have a sister for your little one, but she comes with some huge legal issues too. It is one thing for you and your family to choose to stay in Malaysia longer than your origional contract, but it is very different to be 'stuck' in the country. I know you are already legally bound for dd1. Adding another year, may not seem like much now, but another year is a really big commitment if you are really emotionally ready to come home. It seems like you have enjoyed your time there, but are really missing your family too.

 

What is making you sad? If you knew she was going to another home, would that take away the sadness? Do you really want a 4th child, and that is the source of sadness by saying 'no'. Are you just sad about the 'no more babies' aspect of kids growing up?

 

I can see why you are torn. Especially since you have the live in nanny to help with the care. How would you feel about it if you didn't have a nanny? What if you nanny left and you couldn't replace her with someone you liked? How would you care for both dds? Is daycare for infants readily available there (here it can be hard to find good infant care until age one). How would you handle being bound to Malaysia if one of your parents needs you to come home ASAP?

 

How are your and dh's jobs going? Is this something you want to do for a while still? How are the boys?

 

Dd1, was such a God sent prayer to you, I can see how easy it would be to extend your feelings in this matter to this new little girl. I know you desperately wanted a little girl, and now you have a chance to have 2 little girls! That has got to seem like a dream for you.

[Hedgehog]

I can understand why this would be complex!

 

My MIL had DH at 40yo, and then adopted another son when she was 45. My grandma had four children with the following gaps: a daughter at age 23; 5yrs later a son; 4yrs after that a daughter (my Mom); and then 9yrs after that, another daughter - so she was 41 when my youngest aunt was born.

 

I don't think age should be a barrier to having children - especially not at 40yo! 60yo maybe.. but then everyone is an individual.. so I wouldn't want to judge.

 

If it works out for you to adopt this little one, I would say, "great!" A precious addition to your family and a little friend for your toddler.

[wendylee]

Haven't read any of the other replies, but seeing as adoption costs massive money that we don't have, and someone offered me a baby out of the blue, with little to no cost, I would jump on it.

[mama2cntrykids]

Ringing in late here, but nope, not crazy. Loving and giving, yes. Crazy, no. I agree with another poster about you being sad because you set a "rule" about Natalie being your last. Praying for you...

[justamouse]

Boy, I can see we're doing a hell of a job talking her out of this...

 

 

OH-AND, you have an ahma (that how you spell it?) and you won't in the states so take advantage of her now while you have two babies in the house and have all the extra help you could possibly need. :001_smile:

 

Seriously-I can't think of a more perfect arrangement.

[blakereese]

Go with your gut. Think hard about it, talk with your DH until you can't talk anymore...and then go with your gut.

 

That's my advice. :grouphug:

[Pretty in Pink]

Your family has got a huge decision to make. How do your children feel about it (or did you post again with that info...I need to go back and scan this thread for updates).

 

I just keep thinking that another year will be just a drop in the bucket compared to a lifetime with this little one.

 

I am really excited for you! :grouphug:

[mo2]

The question that would be bothering me (if I were you) would be: What will happen to this baby if you don't take it?

 

If you do take it, it doesn't mean that you have to take the next one that comes along, should that happen. And if you don't take it, it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. Only you know what you (and the rest of your family) can handle.

[Night Elf]

If you do take it, it doesn't mean that you have to take the next one that comes along, should that happen. And if you don't take it, it doesn't mean you're a terrible person. Only you know what you (and the rest of your family) can handle.

 

Exactly! You've worded it so much more eloquently than my feeble attempt.

[mommaduck]

I'm going to be honest; I won't even attempt to talk you out of this. To me, it would make perfect sense to adopt this baby ;) It's one year and only one year difference between the two (oh, and think of the story you will have for the girls...that their birthmothers were friends!). But that is between you, hubby, and the Lord. (((hugs))) I'll be praying for ya'll.

[Sonshine]

I wouldn't worry about more and more women wanting you to adopt their babies - that may never happen. It certainly isn't likely to happen in the US and you won't be in that country forever (not sure how often this happens in Malaysia either).

 

I had my last two (twins) at 40. No big deal - you can do it if it's what you want. I didn't have helpful family or extra help except for a once a week maid (that was very helpful). The should I have another baby part sounds easy to me - a no brainer, but the responsibility of that child for the rest of its life is a bigger deal. It would be nice for Natalie to have a sibling around when the older ones leave home, but seek God's will and go with your gut.

 

I would put the delay of the return to the US (or wherever you may go next) and visit to family in perspective - one more year isn't much compared to having the opportunity to have another child. Maybe your husband could take the boys back for a visit over the summer?

[Giraffe]

OK, now that you have all the info... :tongue_smilie:

 

Now that I have all the info - I'd do it in a NY minute. :tongue_smilie:

:D

[Heather in Neverland]

Thank you for bringing up these questions. They are helping me think through this issue.

Wow, what a big thing to think about. On one hand, it would be nice to have a sister for your little one, but she comes with some huge legal issues too. It is one thing for you and your family to choose to stay in Malaysia longer than your origional contract, but it is very different to be 'stuck' in the country. I know you are already legally bound for dd1. Adding another year, may not seem like much now, but another year is a really big commitment if you are really emotionally ready to come home. It seems like you have enjoyed your time there, but are really missing your family too. It's a catch-22. We are not ready to leave Malaysia yet. Sure there are days when things here annoy me to death but in general we really love it here so staying for two more years isn't that big of a deal. I DO miss my family and wish I could visit more often. That's for sure.The summer thing is a bummer either way but we have already decided that if Natalie doesn't get a visa then I will go with my oldest ds for a short visit. Dh couldn't care less about going back and ds#2 doesn't know the difference. :tongue_smilie: But I get what you are saying about being "stuck". Her adoption in Malaysia would be final in 6 months. It's the U.S. end that takes longer. So I wonder if something happened, like the Malaysian government kicks all of us christians out, would they give our daughter asylum? Yes, I think about weird things like that!

 

What is making you sad? If you knew she was going to another home, would that take away the sadness? Do you really want a 4th child, and that is the source of sadness by saying 'no'. Are you just sad about the 'no more babies' aspect of kids growing up? FWIW, the adoption liason has called us 3 other times in the last year with babies who needed homes...to see if we wanted another one or if we know anyone who does... and each time we laughed and said no way! But for some reason this time I actually paused and said I'm not sure. So no, we don't jump at every opportunity that comes our way. :tongue_smilie: Part of it is that Natalie is 1 now, she walks, babbles, etc, and before when she called Natalie was just an infant. It seems easier than having two infants. But what do I know?

 

I can see why you are torn. Especially since you have the live in nanny to help with the care. How would you feel about it if you didn't have a nanny? What if you nanny left and you couldn't replace her with someone you liked? That would NOT be good. We love Prema. She loves us. SHe has said "I will work for you until I die" ...seriously... but I know things change. I don't know what I would do. Hope and pray I suppose.

 

How would you care for both dds? Is daycare for infants readily available there (here it can be hard to find good infant care until age one). How would you handle being bound to Malaysia if one of your parents needs you to come home ASAP? The only parent we would rush home for is my mom and that would be tough. It's something to think about.

 

How are your and dh's jobs going? Is this something you want to do for a while still? How are the boys? We love love love our jobs and my boys are doing great! They don't want to leave Malaysia either.

 

Dd1, was such a God sent prayer to you, I can see how easy it would be to extend your feelings in this matter to this new little girl. I know you desperately wanted a little girl, and now you have a chance to have 2 little girls! That has got to seem like a dream for you. Especially when I thought it would NEVER happen and now it is happening twice?

 

Dh and I talked last night. We both agreed to pray about it individually and then talk about it again in a day or two. Luckily she is not due for a few weeks so we do have time to think and pray about it. But my heart......