Am I old-fashioned? (Sleeping arrangements)

[TinaBlue]

My SIL and her live-in boyfriend (together two years or less, I think) are planning on coming to see us and her parents after Christmas. My ILs were already talking about coming here then, so she proposed that they stay here too. DH told her that he would put the boyfriend in one place, SIL in another, and the ILs in our guest room. We anticipated that she wouldn't agree with this, but we had hoped that she would respect our wishes. She argued her side, but ultimately said that she would respect our rules, but that DH may have to talk to the boyfriend, because he would probably not go along with it (meaning he would sleep where she was regardless of where we put him). At this point, I'm not sure if they'll still come, but I wondered if anyone still separates unmarried couples. Maybe I'm one of the last??

 

If if matters, we're not religious, but we made this decision because we want our DC to value marriage and its privileges. We don't foresee being okay with them sharing a room with someone before marriage in our home when they're older, so I don't want to normalize it now. If this had come up before we had kids, we probably would have allowed it, though.

[littlebug42]

When I first went to visit my dh's grandparents before we were married, we were put on separate floors of the house. Your house. Your rules. If they don't like it, they can get a hotel. I would not allow it in my home either.

[mommaduck]

If her bf has an issue with it, then they are welcome to go pay for a hotel room, imo. My house, my rules.

[FaithManor]

Agreeing with Littlebug42, your house your rules and I'd let them know that if they violate those rules, they'll be asked to leave.

 

We wouldn't allow it either. Our experience with family members who have lived together outside of marriage is that they've been rather less than discreet about this area of their lives. As in, making out in front of kids, and definitely letting the rest of the household know why they are going to bed early, etc. UGH! So, we object on religious grounds and we object to be being subject to indiscreet people.

 

Faith

[joannqn]

They would sleep separately here too.

[Barry Goldwater]

Esp. since you have children you are trying to raise. But even if I didn't have kids, it wouldn't happen at my house. Elsewhere, it's their business.

[Hedgehog]

I'm not sure I would do this myself, but then I see what you mean about what you show to your dc as being acceptable in your home.

 

I think whether it's "old-fashioned" or not, is irrelevant. It's your home, and if you'd prefer them to sleep separately, then that's completely ok. I guess if it was that important to them to be together, they'd make arrangements to stay someplace else.

 

Anyway - I hope you have a great time with them all! :001_smile:

[stripe]

I think it would be less unpleasant if they just volunteered to stay in a hotel. Why come and argue?

[kalanamak]

 

If if matters, we're not religious, but we made this decision because we want our DC to value marriage and its privileges. We don't foresee being okay with them sharing a room with someone before marriage in our home when they're older, so I don't want to normalize it now. If this had come up before we had kids, we probably would have allowed it, though.

 

I said "yes" but you are not impolite to ask a guest to follow your parenting plan. :)

[Murphy101]

No, she should set the record straight with her boyfriend before they arrive and if he can't respect it make plans to stay elsewhere before they arrive.

 

Frankly, if they said that, my dh would say he wasn't playing that game and never mind, we'd see them at dinner and here's a list of hotels. How rude.

 

My dad doesn't stay here with his lady friends either. He is smart enough to not ask.:D

[Dinsfamily]

I would/will do the same. We may have a similar situation coming up (unless there is a wedding first) and plan on it. However, I don't think our relatives would expect different arrangments at our house and will respect our wishes.

[Parrothead]

If her bf has an issue with it, then they are welcome to go pay for a hotel room, imo. My house, my rules.

Exactly.

[smrtmama]

Yes, I'd allow it.

[elegantlion]

I'm not sure I would do this myself, but then I see what you mean about what you show to your dc as being acceptable in your home.

 

I think whether it's "old-fashioned" or not, is irrelevant. It's your home, and if you'd prefer them to sleep separately, then that's completely ok. I guess if it was that important to them to be together, they'd make arrangements to stay someplace else.

 

Anyway - I hope you have a great time with them all! :001_smile:

 

:iagree:My dh and I lived together before marriage and we always stayed together when visiting relatives. No one made it an issue and we didn't flaunt it either. IMO, for us it would depend on the age of the children and if they were aware the couple was already living together.

 

But agreed, it's your house your rules, so that would override everything else.

[nono]

Heh. I don't put my MIL and her manfriend in the same room. They each get their own, and never have though to object. They don't live together though.

 

Just thought about it -- I don't think I know anyone who's living together. I asked dh. Nope. We can't think of one.

[Giraffe]

If her bf has an issue with it, then they are welcome to go pay for a hotel room, imo. My house, my rules.

 

:iagree: This. I've explained to a cousin that we would love to see her and her BF, but they can't stay in the same room. She politely understood and said if they came, they'd get a hotel room.

[NanceXToo]

I would never tell two adults they couldn't share a room if they wanted to. Not even in my house. It wouldn't even cross my mind to do so (and would feel way too judgmental and bossy to me if it did cross my mind).

 

And they already live together for crying out loud so it seems even more silly to me.

 

Nor would I feel comfortable (or interested in) staying at someone's house who tried to tell me I couldn't share a room with my live in partner because we weren't married; I'd get a hotel instead and would feel a LOT more free to be myself by doing so. I couldn't even relate to a person like that, to be honest.

 

But, then, I DID live with my husband for some time before we married, and I'm more of a "to each his own" kind of person, and I think my kids are growing up okay despite that.

 

Sure, in the end, it's a "your house, your rules" kind of thing, but it's definitely not a rule I'd feel comfortable either enforcing or following and I'd feel quite awkward around you (and those who feel the same way as you). (P.S. When my husband and I did visit friends/family before we were married, no-one, fortunately, ever told us where/how we could sleep, when we could be together, etc, so I've never actually even encountered this issue/attitude and yes it does seem quite 'old-fashioned' to me).

[Mergath]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

[patchfire]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

 

:iagree:

[Crimson Wife]

I've allowed engaged couples to share a room. I don't like it but if they've got a ring and a wedding date, it's not worth the sturm und drang it would cause to insist on separate beds.

[Laurel]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

 

:iagree:

[Miss Sherry]

I'm in the "your house, your rules" camp and think the bf can pay for a hotel if he does not want to go by your rules in your house. To argue with you over your rules, in my opinion, is very rude.

However, if your dh does not agree with the rules, I wouldn't push it.

 

I re-read the post because I didn't remember whether or not this was something you and your dh both agree on. So I see it is your husbands idea too so then I would say since you are united in the house rule I would say stick with it.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[HRAAB]

No, not in our house. Bf sounds rude; it's your house, your rules. If he doesn't like them, send them a list of motels to choose from.

[lionfamily1999]

My SIL and her live-in boyfriend (together two years or less, I think) are planning on coming to see us and her parents after Christmas. My ILs were already talking about coming here then, so she proposed that they stay here too. DH told her that he would put the boyfriend in one place, SIL in another, and the ILs in our guest room. We anticipated that she wouldn't agree with this, but we had hoped that she would respect our wishes. She argued her side, but ultimately said that she would respect our rules, but that DH may have to talk to the boyfriend, because he would probably not go along with it (meaning he would sleep where she was regardless of where we put him). At this point, I'm not sure if they'll still come, but I wondered if anyone still separates unmarried couples. Maybe I'm one of the last??

 

If if matters, we're not religious, but we made this decision because we want our DC to value marriage and its privileges. We don't foresee being okay with them sharing a room with someone before marriage in our home when they're older, so I don't want to normalize it now. If this had come up before we had kids, we probably would have allowed it, though.

If her boyfriend can't respect your rules in your house then she has bigger problems than the sleeping situation while visiting, iykwIm.

 

I would not stretch on this. I can promise you, kids remember these things, just so they can fling them back at their parents.

[tricia]

No! Honestly, I have a dozen kids to consider. What kind of example would that be?

[Wheres Toto]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

 

:iagree:

[OrganicAnn]

I voted "other" because I really don't know what we'd do. We don't currently have anyone in our families that is in that situation.

 

I *think* that I would put them in different rooms and then turn a blind eye to anything as long as it was very discrete (like the kids weren't seeing people go from room to room). But I really don't know what I'd do.

[keptwoman]

I would never tell two adults they couldn't share a room if they wanted to. Not even in my house. It wouldn't even cross my mind to do so (and would feel way too judgmental and bossy to me if it did cross my mind).

 

And they already live together for crying out loud so it seems even more silly to me.

 

Nor would I feel comfortable (or interested in) staying at someone's house who tried to tell me I couldn't share a room with my live in partner because we weren't married; I'd get a hotel instead and would feel a LOT more free to be myself by doing so. I couldn't even relate to a person like that, to be honest.

 

But, then, I DID live with my husband for some time before we married, and I'm more of a "to each his own" kind of person, and I think my kids are growing up okay despite that.

 

Sure, in the end, it's a "your house, your rules" kind of thing, but it's definitely not a rule I'd feel comfortable either enforcing or following and I'd feel quite awkward around you (and those who feel the same way as you). (P.S. When my husband and I did visit friends/family before we were married, no-one, fortunately, ever told us where/how we could sleep, when we could be together, etc, so I've never actually even encountered this issue/attitude and yes it does seem quite 'old-fashioned' to me).

Word for word, I also lived (and had a child) with DH before we were married.

As far as your children are concerned, do they not know these people live together? I can't see that stopping them sleeping together in your home is going to stop the children knowing they sleep together in their own home.

I think it would be better to use the situation as a learning opportunity about your values vs other peoples. This is not the last time your children will encounter it, regardless of how you try to avoid it.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I voted other because it doesn't matter what I allow--it is what you allow.

 

My house-my rules. Your house-your rules.

 

If I were to be staying at their home I wouldn't expect him to give up his bed-it is his home no matter what I think. But at my house is a different issue.

 

I might go a step further and say that any guy (or gal) who couldn't respect my family's rules for a couple days over the holidays doesn't have much respect for my family and that should reflect on his character.

[StephanieZ]

I don't monitor adults' sleeping arrangements. What happens behind their closed bedroom door is none of my business, and I don't think it is any of my kids' business either. None of us give it any thought.

 

Now, I wouldn't allow kids under 18 the same privacy. . . and if it were *my* kids, I'd only feel OK with it under the long-term-committed-relationship clause (no casual sleep overs, lol).

 

That's just me.

[Daisy]

I voted no.

 

I realize this is becoming more common and that people have the right to make their own choices, but I don't think I could enable this type of behavior in my own home.

 

I don't think I should have to set aside my moral standards for house guests.

[pqr]

I voted no.

 

I realize this is becoming more common and that people have the right to make their own choices, but I don't think I could enable this type of behavior in my own home.

 

I don't think I should have to set aside my moral standards for house guests.

 

I agree, nicely put.

[BigMamaBird]

Nope. My house, my rules. If they don't like it they can pay for a hotel. :glare:

[katemary63]

My son has lived with his fiance for two years. But when they spend the night here, they sleep in different beds. Haha, couches, we don't have extra beds! But if we did, they'd sleep in different ones.

[5Wizards]

Obviously, you should do whatever your house rules dictate, and they should accept that.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

 

:iagree:

[Lady Florida.]

I would never tell two adults they couldn't share a room if they wanted to. Not even in my house. It wouldn't even cross my mind to do so (and would feel way too judgmental and bossy to me if it did cross my mind).

This.

 

At our house, the standard is that if two people are in a loving, committed relationship, we treat them like a married couple. I refuse to hold marriage up as the standard until all loving, committed couples are allowed to marry.

And this.

 

I don't monitor adults' sleeping arrangements. What happens behind their closed bedroom door is none of my business, and I don't think it is any of my kids' business either. None of us give it any thought.

And this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I had to laugh at the question. I'm afraid that even when married couples come to our house they have to be in separate beds because we don't have enough double/queen beds to accommodate guests. We do give up our bed for my elderly parents but other than that, our own health needs mean that we keep our bed and put guests on futons, or in the kid's twin beds.

[Impish]

When I first went to visit my dh's grandparents before we were married, we were put on separate floors of the house. Your house. Your rules. If they don't like it, they can get a hotel. I would not allow it in my home either.

:iagree:

I voted no.

 

I realize this is becoming more common and that people have the right to make their own choices, but I don't think I could enable this type of behavior in my own home.

 

I don't think I should have to set aside my moral standards for house guests.

:iagree: You said it perfectly.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I voted no but only b/c Oh, Heck No! wasnt' a choice.

[skueppers]

It would never occur to me not to have them share a room.

 

I don't object to the example it would set for my children, either.

[pdalley]

I voted no.

 

I realize this is becoming more common and that people have the right to make their own choices, but I don't think I could enable this type of behavior in my own home.

 

I don't think I should have to set aside my moral standards for house guests.

 

 

:iagree:

[Night Elf]

I agree it's your house and they have a choice. But if it were me and I couldn't afford a hotel, I just wouldn't visit you. And that should be okay too. I would hope if she chose that, no one in your family would berate her for being selfish. It sounds like something my sister would do, which is why we aren't close at all. I'd skip the entire holiday season if the only other choice were to spend it at her house. Ack!

[RanchGirl]

If her boyfriend can't respect your rules in your house then she has bigger problems than the sleeping situation while visiting, iykwIm.

 

:iagree: It's a simple request that you are well within your rights to make and it should be followed. If they feel strongly enough that they can't sleep apart for a few days, then they should be up front enough to say "thanks, I think we'll stay at a hotel." By arguing, she is behaving rudely, and it's totally pathetic to say that bf may just do what he wants regardless... he can't abstain for a couple days? Sheesh.

[Peela]

Gosh, can't imagine even considering it an issue.

Marriage is a state of mind, not a bit of paper. My kids value marriage as a committment- and we didn't even marry until they were 4 and 5 years old.

You can be committed and not officially married.

And you can be married and...so what. Plenty of unhappy, miserable, stupid people who wreck their kids' lives have a bit of paper to say they are married.

I would be much more concerned about the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in others' lives. I would be far more interested in whether they are poeple I would want around my kids...whether they drink alcohol to excess or are rude etc....than whether they have a bit of paper to say they are married.

[MamaBirdX7]

This is not unheard of in modern America. In Cheaper by the Dozen, the remade version, the parents tell the oldest (20something) daughter she cannot room with her boyfriend in their house.

 

We don't smoke. We have friends and relatives that smoke. We would have no problem telling our friends and relatives that we love them but our home is a nonsmoking home.

[Daisy]

Gosh, can't imagine even considering it an issue.

Marriage is a state of mind, not a bit of paper. My kids value marriage as a committment- and we didn't even marry until they were 4 and 5 years old.

You can be committed and not officially married.

And you can be married and...so what. Plenty of unhappy, miserable, stupid people who wreck their kids' lives have a bit of paper to say they are married.

I would be much more concerned about the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in others' lives. I would be far more interested in whether they are poeple I would want around my kids...whether they drink alcohol to excess or are rude etc....than whether they have a bit of paper to say they are married.

 

This is a matter of personal conviction though. For you the drinking alcohol to excess is worse. However, to many having sex outside of marriage is a big deal.

 

So the question is really not so much about sleeping arrangements but whether or not a host has the right to stick to their moral standards while entertaining guests.

 

What if the issue was something else? What if it was about playing Halo in the house or smoking cigarettes? What if it was racist behavior or constant swearing? What about watching trashy movies in front of the kids? Does the host have the right to say, "I'm not going to allow that behavior in my home?"

 

I'm inclined to say yes.

 

Oh, and I'm not talking to just you Peela. Your post just happened to be the one I quoted. I'm talking to the entire thread.

Edited November 30, 2010 by Daisy

[Impish]

Gosh, can't imagine even considering it an issue.

Marriage is a state of mind, not a bit of paper. My kids value marriage as a committment- and we didn't even marry until they were 4 and 5 years old.

You can be committed and not officially married.

And you can be married and...so what. Plenty of unhappy, miserable, stupid people who wreck their kids' lives have a bit of paper to say they are married.

I would be much more concerned about the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in others' lives. I would be far more interested in whether they are poeple I would want around my kids...whether they drink alcohol to excess or are rude etc....than whether they have a bit of paper to say they are married.[/QUOTE]

There's a difference, Peela.

 

Nobody's telling them not to live together...They're simply following their conscience about the situation. They aren't comfortable with the example it would set for their children, and they have the right to feel that way, just as sil can feel put out about not getting her way. At the end of the day, parents have to do what they feel is best for their kids, and if they think that allowing an unmarried couple to share a room contradicts their teachings, then they absolutely have the right to say separate bedrooms. The threat that the bf won't go along with it is over the top, imo. If you want to follow your own rules, then get a hotel room, where you're paying for the privilege.

 

I was a single mom before I married Wolf. It never dawned on me to expect to share a room with anyone but my kids when visiting someone else's home overnight.

[KatieH]

Well, if you're old-fashioned, then so I am. I wouldn't allow an unmarried couple to sleep in the same room in my home. I wouldn't be rude about it, but I would be firm, and if they don't like it they can stay somewhere else. Sex outside of marriage is against our religious beliefs, and while it's not my business what other people do in their homes, what they do in MY home is, and that's not what I want modeled for my children.

[Forget-Me-Not]

Thankfully, this is not even an issue for us.

 

That being said. . . Nope, I would not allow it. We teach our children that sex and intimacy are sacred and reserved for marriage. I refuse to compromise on my standards in my own home.

[mom4him]

If her bf has an issue with it, then they are welcome to go pay for a hotel room, imo. My house, my rules.

:iagree:My oldest dd and her now husband lived together for a couple of years. They never stayed here, never would have asked as they both knew how we felt about it. I had many discussions with my dd about the example she was setting for her two youngest siblings.:toetap05: