How do you announce a pregnancy after 4+ children?

[GracieJane]

If you have a large-ish family, how do you announce fourth,…n pregnancies to family or friends who think it’s excessive? When people say “was it planned?” or “do you have the space?”, how do you respond? Thank you!

[Katy]

"Yes, we've always wanted a large family."

[Ethel Mertz]

The more, the merrier.

[sweet2ndchance]

"Why, yes, I am pregnant and very happy about it. Thank you for noticing. Would you like some bean dip?"

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don’t have that many children but I would just say “we are happy to announce that we’re expecting baby number ___”. The answer to questions like that is “that isn’t something you need to be concerned about “. (A polite way of saying “it’s none of your business”)

[Ginevra]

You could always go with shocked expression and say, “What on earth would you ask *that* for??!” Or, “Wow, such a rude question! Surely it was rhetorical…” and then say nothing. Let them squirm in discomfort. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

When my mom was pregnant with her sixth child some stranger asked her if she was on government assistance.

She got real used to telling people things were none of their business.

[SKL]

"Actually I always wanted __ children [current number + 6]."

"It's amazing what kinds of questions I get these days."

My evil twin might respond to snotty comments, "don't worry, I won't ask you to babysit."

Edited June 1, 2023 by SKL

[J-rap]

We're happy to announce baby #5!  Of course we have space.  If they have more questions than that, I wouldn't really feel a need to answer.   People will think what they think. 

[Tenaj]

My mom said, "oh, no" and hung up on me when I told her that I was expecting #4.   I can laugh about it now, but after that, and other negative reactions,  I generally sent out a family email or text message so that people were not  blindsided face to face and had time to at least try to put on their pretend happy faces.  

I need to defend my mom a bit.  There was history with her parents thinking she was ridiculous for having a fourth at the same age (36).  I don,'t know all the details but I think she had a hard time emotionally with that last pregnancy and people's reactions to it.  I think her reaction wasn't "oh, no" about the baby but "oh, no" people are going to treat you badly.

[Drama Llama]

My go to answer is "I'm sorry, what?" as if I didn't hear.

Often, people will realize what came out of their mouth and say something like "never mind". 

In case you are asking because you are going to announce, congratulations!

[Halftime Hope]

I hope this means that you have a bundle of joy on the way! The more the merrier!

[TechWife]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I don’t have that many children but I would just say “we are happy to announce that we’re expecting baby number ___”. The answer to questions like that is “that isn’t something you need to be concerned about “. (A polite way of saying “it’s none of your business”)

That’s a fantastic answer & helpful for a lot of things. I’m putting this in my tool chest. 

[Faith-manor]

Way back when we only had three kids, we attended a church where nearly all the couples had two kids and did not intend on having more, with just a few who had three. We didn't announce anything when I was pregnant with our fourth, but eventually folks figured it out, and we got a lot of intrusive, nasty comments. I became very adept at saying in quite a snotty, impatient voice that made it clear that the commenter the they needed to clam up, "I didn't ask your opinion about my life, so keep it to yourself." After several people had been on the receiving end of that, the gossips in the church made sure everyone knew to steer clear of us.

So I am a big fan of shutting down the nonsense with some stern comebacks.

I also do not think pregnancies are public business. Parents should not feel compelled to make announcements and accept comments on their choice to procreate or not procreate. It is entirely up to them. Too many people are busy bodies about this kind of thing.  

So I really do vote for telling people to stick it!

[Junie]

I remember with Baby #6 we told our families.  As for friends, we just let the kids tell whoever and however they wanted. :)

[ktgrok]

I only have 4, but my mom was iffy about number 3, so I was hesitant to announce #4. But when we did, I made sure to say we DECIDED we wanted another child, and are happy to announce we are pregnant. That made it clear that yes, this was planned and wanted. Even then, my mom asked me if I was sure I wanted this. Sigh. What seemed to reassure her/stop the questions was saying, "my children bring me more joy than anything else in the world, so how could I NOT want more joy?"

 

[Murphy101]

1 hour ago, GracieJane said:

If you have a large-ish family, how do you announce fourth,…n pregnancies to family or friends who think it’s excessive? When people say “was it planned?” or “do you have the space?”, how do you respond? Thank you!

I’ve said lots of things to various people over the years.

You can just look them dead in the eye and say, “Well we had sex and that causes babies and we like both so plan to keep having sex.”

And I hate the planning question.  In all my years I’ve rarely met anyone whose life went according to their plan.  I’d be tempted to ask if they planned to be a rude and nosey butt nugget when they got up that morning or did it just happen that way?

Edited June 1, 2023 by Murphy101

[ktgrok]

5 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

I’ve said lots of things to various people over the years.

You can just look them dead in the eye and say, “Well we had sex and that causes babies and we like both so plan to keep having sex.”

And I hate the planning question.  In all my years I’ve rarely met anyone whose life went according to their plan.  I’d be tempted to ask if they planned to be a rude and nosey butt nugget when they got up that morning or did it just happen that way?

When my normally fairly sane mother decided to push my husband having a vasectomy during a phone call I was on with her WHILE AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP BUYING A CAR i finally spit out, 'other people's choice of birth control is not your business. Ever. Good bye". I swear I have no idea what came over her that night, but I figure it's a good answer for anyone who thinks they have an opinion on such a thing. 

[Halftime Hope]

This is when that wide-eyed, southern charm moment comes in handy...think "Legally Blonde."   "Oh my; isn't that an odd question!!"  The response isn't rude back, but it clearly lets the asker know they've crossed a boundary when asking about family planning or space.

I don't know if an announcement is needed, but it might be nice to allow the siblings to tell the happy news to relatives who love them.

If someone actually asks about space, I think I'd have a really hard time not letting my snark flag fly. ("We realized we'll need to sleep in shifts since there aren't enough beds, but, happily, taking shifts makes it easier with a baby anyway!")

If a person is simply asking if there is a baby expected, I don't find that rude, although it could be risky! 🫣

 

[-----]

We were expecting #4.  When my dh's mother found out, she made it a point to corner me alone in my own house and said, "You know they know what causes that now".  Along with some other rude comments that I can't remember at the moment about getting pregnant.

I was young and just blurted out the truth.  "Dh says he wants a basketball team."  IOW, go talk to your son about that if you dare.  lol

[Moonhawk]

Telling family about #4 wasn't fun, I did get hung up on by two family members, but after she was born everyone fell in love with her of course and then practically acted like it was all their idea. 

When I was pregnant with my 4th, a guy came over at a party and asked if they were all mine (my kids were crowded to me at the time). He really was pleasant enough, seemed like a nice guy, but he only had a 4yo and no intentions of other children. And so I gushed oh yes, how much fun it is, actually, and how the long term plan was to have 10 total, so that there would be a birthday cake every month! And so far so good, once you included DH and me, we had a whole 6 months covered back to back, just needed to fill in summer! What, he stuttered, if you have two kids born in one month?! I pretended to think a moment, then replied that I'd still want at least one birthday a month, so guess we'd have to keep trying til we got our timing right. 

Now, I was joking, but the poor guy didn't seem to get it. We were at a Halloween party, the lighting was bad, he hadn't met me before, so he couldn't tell all the cues. Anyway he walked away quickly from me and avoided me the rest of the night. At some point I got chummy with his wife and we were talking about 4yos, he came and ushered her away from me, just in case my crazy was catching I think, LOL.

So now my go to is that we are trying to have a year of birthdays and so far so good, only 6 more to go! With strangers, sometimes I change the number to imply I have 9 or 10 and they are only seeing a sample. Usually does the trick!

[Murphy101]

11 hours ago, ktgrok said:

When my normally fairly sane mother decided to push my husband having a vasectomy during a phone call I was on with her WHILE AT THE CAR DEALERSHIP BUYING A CAR i finally spit out, 'other people's choice of birth control is not your business. Ever. Good bye". I swear I have no idea what came over her that night, but I figure it's a good answer for anyone who thinks they have an opinion on such a thing. 

I lost it on my mil the Christmas I was pregnant with #3 and their “gift” was to offer to pay for a vasectomy. I told her if she was more worried about her own husband’s penis than her son’s, everyone in the family would be hella happier.  My in laws have never been very involved in our lives so I’m extra wth about them thinking their opinion should matter.  They have never been who we call in any crisis.  I just got home from nearly dying in the hospital for a week. And I know I’m really lucky it was just a week but MIL was annoyed that no one told her and she found out on my dh’s fb page. Well why would we have called her about it?  People who don’t care about the daily don’t get a call about the big the stuff. 🤷‍♀️

[wintermom]

"Yup, we're Catholic." 😉 

[Miss Tick]

9 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 I just got home from nearly dying in the hospital for a week.

Yikes! I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds traumatic.

OP and others, sorry to hear that this is even a difficulty. I say pick your favorite "that's rude and I'm not answering it" response and apply as needed!

[knitgrl]

Conversely, once when I was schlepping around a 6yo, a 2yo and an infant and trying to herd them all into the van after going to the drugstore, some helpful old lady told me how easy I had it because her mother had 10.

[vonfirmath]

13 hours ago, GracieJane said:

If you have a large-ish family, how do you announce fourth,…n pregnancies to family or friends who think it’s excessive? When people say “was it planned?” or “do you have the space?”, how do you respond? Thank you!

If they ask those questions, they are being rude and its none of their business. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this in a happy time!

[Ellie]

13 hours ago, BandH said:

My go to answer is "I'm sorry, what?" as if I didn't hear.

Often, people will realize what came out of their mouth and say something like "never mind".

This is similar to Miss Manners' response to such questions, which is to stare at the questioner without saying anything until she figures out she has said something wrong and skulks away. It is important to cultivate a shocked look; it may help to let one's mouth hang open.

[kbutton]

I think it's funny that 3 or 4 is considered a lot. I grew up around bigger families than that (and I have a well-documented family tree for the Catholic side--the early 1900s families in our tree were HUGE; the small families tended to still have at least 5 living kids but even more babies who died, usually with heart defects). There was always a lot of joking about it, often from the large families themselves. Even the non-Catholic side routinely had 4 or more kids, and sometimes up to 10. 

I always thought I'd have 4 or so, but my two were a bit "extra," and I think that modern life makes larger families harder in a way that would've made me really struggle with more kids. It makes me sad that things aren't more optimal for large families. 

If you are expecting, congrats! 

[mommyoffive]

I can't remember which kid it was, 4 or 5.  But I didn't.  We just showed up to a family event with a me having a very noticeable bump.  But I had one family member who was very against me ever having more than one kid, because that is what she did and viewed it as the best thing to do.  But after we had 4 she just let it go.  Obviously there wasn't anything she could do.  And she loved having a new baby in the crew and the kids are just good kids.  After awhile she did admit that she wished that she would have had at least one more.   

I was even hoping if the timing worked out I could just show up with a baby one time.  I am sure there would have been backlash for that, but there was backlash for saying we were having another anyway each time.  Even my own mom would say things too. 

For my kids I am going to be happy either way 0 or 100 kids.  As long as my kids are happy with the situation then I am happy for them.  

[Momto6inIN]

I'm really sad for you all that have had negative family reactions. I come from a small family of two kids, and while my parents may have reservations about a big family, they've never voiced them to me or to my kids. DH comes from a family of 7 and all of his siblings are equally prolific if not more so. We only "announce" to siblings and parents and people at church. All have been thrilled about another baby, even the one I had at age 45 which was a shock to everyone, me included.

We don't announce to extended family, they just hear it through the grapevine. If they've said anything negative about it when my mom tells them, I haven't heard about it. I have had aunts/uncles/cousins jokingly ask me if we know what causes that, but none who were nasty about it. I just answer, "Yeah, well, we don't have a TV ..." with a laugh and a wink 😉

The only person who was rude was the lady who asked me, with all my kids right there listening, if they were all mine and when I said yes, she said with a shudder and a grimace, "Glad it's you and not me!" I smiled very sweetly and said very earnestly, "Me too, ma'am, me too!"

[Jean in Newcastle]

6 hours ago, Ellie said:

This is similar to Miss Manners' response to such questions, which is to stare at the questioner without saying anything until she figures out she has said something wrong and skulks away. It is important to cultivate a shocked look; it may help to let one's mouth hang open.

The people who bust through boundaries often don’t get shamed. I didn’t have the “so many children “ comments or questions but initially I was told by the doctor that I couldn’t have biological children and yet people wouldn’t stop hounding me about it. Even when I would tell them that (as far as I knew) that I couldn’t have them. No shame. And no mercy either. 

[Kassia]

I only have 4 and no one ever said anything about the size of our family but we got a lot of comments during my last pregnancy from family members saying they hoped I wasn't going to have another boy (I had three sons at the time) in front of my precious sons.  Then, after dd was born, we got so many comments from people saying that I "finally got my girl" (again in front of my boys) even though I never expressed any desire to have a daughter and would have been absolutely delighted with a fourth son.  

 

[knitgrl]

When I was a single mom, and ds was maybe 3, a coworker asked me, "Isn't about time to have another one?" I responded, "Do you see a ring on this finger?" I wasn't even dating anyone at the time. What are people even thinking when they say stuff like that?

[Mom_to3]

21 hours ago, GracieJane said:

If you have a large-ish family, how do you announce fourth,…n pregnancies to family or friends who think it’s excessive? When people say “was it planned?” or “do you have the space?”, how do you respond? Thank you!

Ha, I got that "was it planned" from my inlaws for my third pregnancy. At the time I was completely floored by the question, and if I recall correctly, I said that we had experienced two miscarriages while trying for the third. That put an end to it...

[katilac]

"We don't have enough space in the house, so we're going to move the two oldest into the shed." 

[Scarlett]

On 6/1/2023 at 8:33 AM, Murphy101 said:

I lost it on my mil the Christmas I was pregnant with #3 and their “gift” was to offer to pay for a vasectomy. I told her if she was more worried about her own husband’s penis than her son’s, everyone in the family would be hella happier.  My in laws have never been very involved in our lives so I’m extra wth about them thinking their opinion should matter.  They have never been who we call in any crisis.  I just got home from nearly dying in the hospital for a week. And I know I’m really lucky it was just a week but MIL was annoyed that no one told her and she found out on my dh’s fb page. Well why would we have called her about it?  People who don’t care about the daily don’t get a call about the big the stuff. 🤷‍♀️

What happened?  

 

[heartlikealion]

Get team jerseys made and say duh we need more players 

jk 

congrats!

(ignore me if this was just hypothetical) 

[Spryte]

On 6/1/2023 at 5:58 PM, Jean in Newcastle said:

The people who bust through boundaries often don’t get shamed. I didn’t have the “so many children “ comments or questions but initially I was told by the doctor that I couldn’t have biological children and yet people wouldn’t stop hounding me about it. Even when I would tell them that (as far as I knew) that I couldn’t have them. No shame. And no mercy either. 

This is so true, it really does go both ways. I had a hysterectomy at 28, before having kids and just after getting married. The incessant chorus (asking about babies) from acquaintances and complete strangers was deafening. Some people just have no sense of boundaries.

OP, congratulations if you are expecting! Celebration time!

[happypamama]

We have seven.  I've never really had any negative comments, but I always announced in a way that conveyed our delight.  Even when we were expecting number seven, our rainbow baby after number six died because of his extreme prematurity, I made the announcement by sending a video of number five telling everyone he was going to be a big brother again -- and who can possibly complain about that?  (Long time boardies will remember my number five and his never-failing loyalty to the little brother he lost and the love for his new brother that has not faded even after almost five years.)  But if anyone did, I would have zero problem telling someone that our doctors were taking good care of us, it will all work out, and if you can't be positive, keep your mouth shut.  

 

I like to answer, "You've got your hands full" with "And my heart" or "Better full than empty."  

Also, congratulations if they're in order!!

 

Edited June 3, 2023 by happypamama

[Jaybee]

I basically just made it clear that we were happy about it.

Reading these comments just reminded me of a rude comment that I made recently. There was a young couple that I don't even know very well, and the hubby wants to go to a professional school. I made some comment about "just be careful--_____ was planning to go and got pregnant unexpectedly, so they had to change their plans a bit." (They still went for the schooling, just in a more circuitous route.) I could have kicked myself. Why oh why did I make such a stupid comment?? It's none of my business, anyway. I guess I was just making (inane) conversation? Anyway, it makes me realize that not everybody is really thinking about how what they are saying affects people. They may just be running their mouths when they shouldn't. Like me.🙋‍♀️ And I love babies!

[-----]

4 minutes ago, Jaybee said:

I basically just made it clear that we were happy about it.

Reading these comments just reminded me of a rude comment that I made recently. There was a young couple that I don't even know very well, and the hubby wants to go to a professional school. I made some comment about "just be careful--_____ was planning to go and got pregnant unexpectedly, so they had to change their plans a bit." (They still went for the schooling, just in a more circuitous route.) I could have kicked myself. Why oh why did I make such a stupid comment?? It's none of my business, anyway. I guess I was just making (inane) conversation? Anyway, it makes me realize that not everybody is really thinking about how what they are saying affects people. They may just be running their mouths when they shouldn't. Like me.🙋‍♀️ And I love babies!

I do this, too.  Just start talking without thinking.  And it doesn't seem to matter what the topic is.  Sometimes I'm just nervous and chatter away and instantly regret whatever it was I just blurted out.  Other times, it seems to be a good thing I blurted out whatever it was.  So I never know whether to talk or not, IRL, because who knows what's liable to come out of my mouth.  😜  

[Eos]

Loudly. 

[MagistraKennedy]

On 5/31/2023 at 8:34 PM, GracieJane said:

If you have a large-ish family, how do you announce fourth,…n pregnancies to family or friends who think it’s excessive? When people say “was it planned?” or “do you have the space?”, how do you respond? Thank you!

Mom of six here ----

For my youngest two, we told our children first, then let them spill the beans to extended family and friends. Somehow, no one gets snarky when a child is excited about a younger sibling coming. ❤️ 

And we don't keep the news to ourselves very long. We announce pregnancies pretty soon after we find out ourselves. 

[alysee]

My family and friends have been very excited for us, each and every pregnancy even if they wouldn't want our life. We always tell the kids first and they always spill the beans quickly! I have had rude comments in public but I usually bite my tongue and say nothing because to me those people are probably feeling bad about their life. I always imagine it's a grandma who doesn't get to see her grandkids because of distance  so she lashes out or maybe it's a man who secretly wishes he had a better relationship with his kids so he could see his grandkids. I am very secure in my decision to have children and the proof is in the Pudding. My kids are clean, well-behaved, educated and taken care of. No one can say anything negative about my family size. 

 

[Momof4sweetkids]

On 5/31/2023 at 7:17 PM, ktgrok said:

 "my children bring me more joy than anything else in the world, so how could I NOT want more joy?"

 

Oh I love this response! Just had our fourth and thought I was done but the further from the pregnancy I get, the less sure I'm done 😅