If your young teen was at someone’s. . .

[Drama Llama]

House and the police ended up showing up, would you let them go back to that house? 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

It depends on why the police were there, I guess.  

[teachermom2834]

Would depend on the circumstances for sure.

[Bambam]

It depends upon why the police showed up.

Did someone call them because someone was being violent or threatening another? 

Did they come and arrest someone in the house?

Anything like that, and I'd probably be not going back there. 

But police show up for much less concerning reasons too. 

 

Edited January 16, 2023 by Bambam

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

I mean I had the police show up once because a concerned neighbor in the village we were living in called that my dogs were neglected because they were out in the snow, in a fenced in backyard.

I told the officer that if he wanted to go out and wrangle my 80 pound golden retriever inside, he was more than welcome to because I had already tried twice that evening to get her to come inside and she was too busy rolling around in the snow to listen.
He laughed and left.

Anything that has to do with violence or drugs—no, my kid wouldn’t be going back.

 

[lauraw4321]

Definitely depends, but possibly. I would want to have a face to face conversation with the parent. 

[teachermom2834]

We have a lot of domestic violence calls in my neighborhood. Lots of seemingly normal families getting visits from the police. So that sort of thing is pretty believable to me and I wouldn’t want my kids anywhere near that. 

But there are all kinds of other reasons that I can think of and I’m sure plenty I can’t think of that wouldn’t lead me to forbid a kid to return. 

[bolt.]

It's likely that the arrival of police would give me significant misgivings -- but, as others have mentioned, there are also plenty of scenarios where a police visit is nothing of consequence. I'd try to look into it with an open mind.

[Drama Llama]

If there was a protective order, and it was violated so the police were called, but then the person left after yelling but no violence. Would you let your kid go back? 

[Drama Llama]

Please don’t quote me

[itsheresomewhere]

Depends on why.  If it was a neighbor complaining about children making noise/smells of cooking/non custodial parent having issues with kid having friend over/ etc, then I would have no issues with them going back to the house.  Drugs/domestic violence are different. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, BandH said:

 

No.

Edited January 16, 2023 by Scarlett

[Grace Hopper]

6 minutes ago, BandH said:

 

Probably not. Is it possible to invite that playmate to come to your house?

Edited January 16, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[Scarlett]

@Grace Hopper no quoting.

[Grace Hopper]

Just now, Scarlett said:

@Grace Hopper no quoting.

Yeah I changed it

[Bambam]

No, I would not. If good friends, I would be trying to set up meetings at more public places - aka parks, skating rinks, tennis courts, Sonic, etc. 

[bolt.]

If there was a protective order against "Person A" who does not live in the home, but came to that house and made trouble and needed the police (or the threat of police) to be made to go away again... I'd seek more detailed information from the homeowner/parent who the protective order was protecting.

If that person "Person B" could share with me exactly what was going on and why they needed protection, I'd evaluate that information carefully with an eye to how serious such a danger might be to bystanding kids. Whatever the 'threat' Person A poses, it might be totally insignificant to a bystanding kid. Or it could be traumatic. Or it could be genuinely dangerous. I'd need to know.

If Person B could not or would not share with me the details of such things (which would be completely understandable) I would probably err on the side of caution. People don't have protective orders against them for no reason. In this case I'd try to be really supportive about facilitating the kids' friendship in other places, like my home, or outings or whatever. I'd do the driving and pay for movie tickets or whatever -- just because I wasn't okay with them spending time at that home doesn't mean I would want the friendship to end. On the contrary, if I was forced to cut off the easy way of getting together (come over and hang out) I'd feel obligated to take up some slack and manage some logistics to keep the friendship going in spite of that.

Edited January 16, 2023 by bolt.

[Xahm]

I wouldn't let them go back unless I knew the issue was resolved satisfactorily, which probably means they wouldn't get to go back. My answer might be different if it was family and I knew the backstory really well, well enough to trust my judgement about specific situations.

[Drama Llama]

11 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Probably not. Is it possible to invite that playmate to come to your house?

I am trying to figure out if this kid will come back to my house. 

[Scarlett]

33 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Yeah I changed it

Sorry I did not mean to be so short…I did the same thing….I had to edit.

Edited January 16, 2023 by Scarlett

[bolt.]

I'd suggest reaching out to the kid's parents with as much information as you feel comfortable sharing. If you tell them that even though there is a protection order, "Person A" is not likely to do anything dangerous or traumatic to bystanding kids -- if you can explain that in a way the other parents can understand and trust, they may believe you.

But privacy matters too. It might be just as reasonable to suggest other locations for the kids to hang out, and begin collaborating to facilitate the logistics.

Edited to add: My above answers focus on your question about the other kid and their family -- but I wanted to add that I'm really sorry to hear that apparently some poop hit your personal fan recently, and that police were part of the resolution. I admire the way you are always putting your children first, and I have great sympathy for the tough stuff you are slogging through!

Edited January 16, 2023 by bolt.

[Rachel]

I’m assuming if my child was at your house, I would already be semi-aware of the difficult situation and would assume you wouldn’t have invited my kid over if you thought he was at risk of being harmed.
 

If I came to pick him up and the police were there, it would give me pause. I’d ask him what happened then depending on what he said, give you a call later. 
 

With my particular kid, if I didn’t see the police, he probably wouldn’t bring it up unless something really dramatic happened. So I probably wouldn’t even know. 

[momto3innc]

Honestly? Probably not. And I hate that because of the consequence to your child for something they can’t help. But I’d worry about someone getting in the midst of a domestic violence situation. But I would seek to be as kind as humanly possible and offer to host/take places or really do what I could to show we valued the friendship.

One thing: for my 17 and 18 year old sons, I’d have less say so given their ages and I’d talk through it but potentially be fine with it (and honestly they could drive themselves there anyway). For my 15 year old daughter, at this point I would say no (but she’d also be given to a lot of fear and anxiety over it).

I’m really sorry. 

[hshibley]

I’m sorry that this happened to you. If I knew the other parents well enough I’d be proactive explain/apologize for the incident. I’d also suggest that future get togethers be at a public location etc. 

[Ting Tang]

An order of protection is granted for a reason, not to be taken lightly. It’s up to the parents. But I pray you stay safe. Mentally unstable people do have the capacity to change from verbally to physically abusive. For now, I’d think it best if the teens got together perhaps at the friend’s house for now? 

[Grace Hopper]

Hmm I see now, that I envisioned the situation in reverse. 
 

Not meaning to be harsh, but knowing from previous reading about the volatility of the person named by the protective order - sorry, it would be a no from me as the playmate’s parent. I would perhaps consider meeting in a well populated public place. 
 

I hope there was no new, recent incident that triggered this question. (((BH)))

[Melissa Louise]

13/14/15?

No, but that would be a me-issue.

It would be traumatizing and anxiety provoking to me, to know that the person could turn up again.

It wouldn't reflect any judgement I was making on the child, the friendship, or the child's parent.

I'm not sure what I would suggest as an alternative.

Probably supervision of both teens in a public place.

 

 

 

 

 

[livetoread]

I would not. I'm so sorry B&H, this just stinks in so many ways. I would be okay with meeting elsewhere, and if kids were friends, I'd absolutely still have them over, but if protection order was violated, I would not be comfortable with my kid being over there after that. A protection order just by itself is concerning but I'd still let my kid go over. A violated protection order would be a no go. If a period of time went by with the order respected again, then I'd reconsider. 

[Harriet Vane]

I’m really sorry. 

I know you are doing and will do all that you can to support the friendships. It just sucks that this happened.

Keep excellent records. Inform your lawyer each and every time something unsafe happens. 

Warm hugs for you and your kids. It’s not fair.

[CTVKath]

I'm so sorry but no.

[elegantlion]

I'm sorry. Agreed, I'd probably err on the side of caution and make public playdates. I would hope I'd have the foresight to understand that it was also traumatic for my child's friend and their parent and provide some grace or encouragement. 

[BusyMom5]

Probably not, and I'm sorry to post that bc I know it affects your kids.  I would invite your kids over and I'd meet in a neutral area like the park.  

Prayers for your kids- they do not deserve this.  

[ScoutTN]

No, I would not.

I hate this for you and your kids. As others have said, I’d connect with the friend’s family as best I could and try other ways to support the friendship. 

[katilac]

I would not. 

Knowing the particular circumstances would not change my mind. 

I would let the kids get together in other ways, but mine would never return to that house. 

If that's the decision the other parent makes, don't take it to heart. It doesn't reflect on you. They are just trying to protect their kid. 

It doesn't mean they will never let them get together, but maybe your next invitation could be to meet at a public place. 

[Melissa Louise]

I just wanted to add that it's the yelling that would tip me into a 'no'.

I'd think of that as verbally abusive.

The fact there was no physical violence would not matter to me; the verbal stuff is enough.

[Melissa in Australia]

It depends on why. 

I have had police show up at my house 2 times, one time they were at the wrong address and were after a  neigbhour (teen  child had run away from home)  and the other time they were doing routine  gunsafe inspections 

 

Oh they also came to make sure we were evacuating from fires in 2020

Edited January 16, 2023 by Melissa in Australia

[Carol in Cal.]

I would not, I’m sorry.  I would do all the hosting from then on.

[barnwife]

Well, when I was a kid, the police once showed up to return our license plate. It had fallen off the back of our car in a parking lot and gotten turned in. We hadn't even noticed it was gone. In a situation like that, yes.

However, your situation is very different. And my gut reaction is that I'd think long and hard about all the info I know about the situation before making a decision. However, I also know that allowing my kid to return would probably not be good for my anxiety level, and would probably say no because of that. I would do what I could to allow my kid to still hang out other places though.

Also, I am sorry this has happened. 

[JennyD]

No.  I am so sorry, OP.  What a terrible situation you are in.

 

[Lecka]

Edit:  it would just depend.

 

Edited January 16, 2023 by Lecka

[WildflowerMom]

Not for a while at least.    I’d reevaluate later on.  But in the immediate future? No.    I would absolutely have the kids come to my house though.  
Domestic disputes have too much  potential for dangerous outcomes.  
 

 

[Farrar]

I'm a weirdo, I guess. It would depend on a lot of things, like the age of my kid and their ability to understand the situation and be safe around it - like, to walk away, call me, etc. And how I saw the reality of a physical threat and whether that was unlikely. And how well I knew and trusted that things would be safe in the future. So, a lot of ifs, but it wouldn't be an automatic no for me.

[Lecka]

Edit:  it would just depend.  

Edited January 16, 2023 by Lecka

[rebcoola]

I would let my oldest decided for herself after talking through it.  The other 2 no. I'm sorry we would definitely still foster friendship anyway we could though.

[Katy]

No, probably not.

[lauraw4321]

Probably not. But I’ve had traumatic events that shape my response. It’s possible a different family, if fully informed, might be willing. 

[Sneezyone]

3 hours ago, BandH said:

If there was a protective order, and it was violated so the police were called, but then the person left after yelling but no violence. Would you let your kid go back? 

Nope. The other kid is welcome to hang at our house and they can hang out in public but not at a place the harasser is likely to go/return to.

Edited January 16, 2023 by Sneezyone

[City Mouse]

I actually faced a similar situation when my DS was about 10. One of my DS’s good friends often stayed at the home of his mother’s boyfriend (a long with his mother and sister) the rest of the time, the friend (and mother and sister) lived in the home of the grandmother. Once I learned that the mother and boyfriend had been investigated multiple times for domestic violence, I did not allow my DS to be at the boyfriend’s house. The friend could come to our house most any time, and DS was allowed to visit at the grandmother’s house where boyfriend did not go. It was hard at times, but DS could understand that it wasn't a good place to be.

Separate from that, my husband is a police officer in a small town. We frequently have uniformed officers from several agencies stop by our house for lots of reasons, so just the presence of an officer would not cause me any alarm.

[easypeasy]

Well, BandH, I am so sorry that the other person put you in this sticky situation. 😕

If it were me/my kid at the house and police showed up due to an ignored restraining order, I would be reluctant to send my child back to play. There are just so many cases of unrestrained violence nowdays.

I would, however, be in full communication with the family and, if they were willing to share information with me, would try and support them and my kid's friendship with your kid as much as humanly possible without putting my child in potential danger. I would worry about you and your kid also.

So - would invite your kid over to our house more often - or create public-place, random outings. And would work with you to ensure that my house is known to your kid as a "safe place" and program my phone number into your kid's phone in case of emergency.

I would try very hard to not punish the innocent parties in this situation, but it would be difficult to navigate at first.

Edited January 16, 2023 by easypeasy

[SKL]

TBH I think it's possible the parents will be reluctant to send the child back to your house, at least for a while.  Or maybe they will be willing to bring him and visit with you vs. leave him with you.