Thanks

[Indigo Blue]

Thanks for giving me your input and perspective on this.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Indigo Blue
Typo

[fairfarmhand]

I would have sat quietly, kept my head down, and stayed to myself as much as possible. Also would have gone out of my way to not be a bit of trouble or make any messes. I would have just sucked it up until I could get out of there and then made plans in the future so that nothing like that could ever happen again.

[Kassia]

I think I would have stayed only because there weren't any other options.  But it would be hard and stressful.  And,like  @fairfarmhand said, I'd try to avoid doing or saying anything that could cause another outburst like that while I was there. 

I'm sorry.  

[freesia]

I would have stayed. 

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I would have sat quietly, kept my head down, and stayed to myself as much as possible. Also would have gone out of my way to not be a bit of trouble or make any messes. I would have just sucked it up until I could get out of there and then made plans in the future so that nothing like that could ever happen again.

Thanks. This is very close to what I did. I just have feelings of regret. I don’t know if that’s right/wrong or good/bad. I do know that my son would have been safe and properly cared for, no matter what. Maybe we could have driven until we found a hotel with power. 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

Thanks. This is very close to what I did. I just have feelings of regret. I don’t know if that’s right/wrong or good/bad. I do know that my son would have been safe and properly cared for, no matter what. Maybe we could have driven until we found a hotel with power. 

In many situations, we look back with our 40ish year old self and forget how little confidence we may have had and how ignorant we were of our options when we were in our 20s.

My 21 yo was going to the OBGYN for a visit for one of the first times. She's going through her phone, filling out the online forms. The questions she asked as we were driving-- " Mom, have I had a pap smear?" She's not active and never has been so struggled with basic questions like "Do you practice safe sex?" "Mom! If I say no, I sound irresponsible. If I say yes, it's inaccurate!" We laughed a lot as she did it, but it reminded me that young 20-25 year olds just don't know a lot. And it's ok. 

It's ok that you didn't know how to navigate that situation. There's nothing to feel regret over. Even if you'd been able to draw a boundary, I seriously doubt it would have changed anything with your mother. Because she's messed up.

[teachermom2834]

I also would have stayed and just tried to lay low. 

[saraha]

12 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I would have sat quietly, kept my head down, and stayed to myself as much as possible. Also would have gone out of my way to not be a bit of trouble or make any messes. I would have just sucked it up until I could get out of there and then made plans in the future so that nothing like that could ever happen again.

Same

[Indigo Blue]

Okay. Maybe I did do the best thing then. 
 

But I have visions where I get a “do over”, and, in my head, I rescue myself and find a safe place to go. Then I wondered what others would do. Staying was really, really hard. I did my best, but I felt I had been stabbed in the heart and it was hard for me to see her just go on as normal while my chest was bursting with pain. 
 

 

[lauraw4321]

At 25 I would have stayed. I would have apologized, ducked my head, tried to keep the peace. 
 

At 42 it would be different. But I wouldn’t judge my 25 year old self for not having the strength, wisdom and perspective of a 42 year old. 

[lauraw4321]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

Okay. Maybe I did do the best thing then. 
 

But I have visions where I get a “do over”, and, in my head, I rescue myself and find a safe place to go. Then I wondered what others would do. Staying was really, really hard. I did my best, but I felt I had been stabbed in the heart and it was hard for me to see her just go on as normal while my chest was bursting with pain. 
 

 

If you had been there to rescue yourself, you would have. Be glad that the 25 year old you grew to this version of you and can comfort and mother the young you. 

[catz]

Like 52 year old me can kind of understand how having extra bodies including a new baby under your roof for an indeterminate length of time could start to grate on a person.  I also think as a new mom recovering from birth which I think is some level of trauma anyway, that is a time of being absorbed in your baby and your healing.  AS IT SHOULD BE.  Like it doesn't at all seem surprising that a blow up could occur.  Not that she should have exploded and apologized and acted better of course.  Like somoene like this sounds emotionally unhealthy and immature.    

Honestly, I love my mom and have a decent relationship with her.  But we would have probably checked into a hotel if at all possible with that length of time.  I personally would have been a mess trying to stay somewhere else with my newborn without my husband.  Some insurance policies may have some coverage on that.  I totally get that isn't doable for everyone.  Given that, I probably would have tried to lay as low as possible.  

It actually reminds me of the situation someone posted about not long ago where they had extra house guests and the host had a tantrum about laundry.  I really think it wasn't about laundry at all.  But about being in an unusual stressful situation where you're used to having your own space.  And maybe not having the emotional maturity to say, hey, I really am feeling stressed and extended and need a break, I think I'll go hide or step away for a bit.  

As a new, young mother I think you should feel zero responsbility or guilt.  You were doing the best you could with what tools you had at your disposal at the time.  And if your mother regularly outbursts without regret or apology, I would feel pretty fine about a low contact, minimal drama relationship.  We all live and learn.

[thatfirstsip]

If I thought she wasn't (by past evidence, etc.) a physical threat to me or my baby, I'd have stayed until I had another place I could go and just stayed out of her way. If I could have gone to a hotel, I'd have done that, but you say there were no hotels available, so what else was there to do? For me, at the time, and even now, a very temporary living situation in which someone yells at you irrationally once is preferable to living in a car with a newborn, which I presume was the other option.

 

[lauraw4321]

1 minute ago, catz said:

Like 52 year old me can kind of understand how having extra bodies including a new baby under your roof for an indeterminate length of time could start to grate on a person.  I also think as a new mom recovering from birth which I think is some level of trauma anyway, that is a time of being absorbed in your baby and your healing.  AS IT SHOULD BE.  Like it doesn't at all seem surprising that a blow up could occur.  Not that she should have exploded and apologized and acted better of course.  Like somoene like this sounds emotionally unhealthy and immature.    

Honestly, I love my mom and have a decent relationship with her.  But we would have probably checked into a hotel if at all possible with that length of time.  I personally would have been a mess trying to stay somewhere else with my newborn without my husband.  Some insurance policies may have some coverage on that.  I totally get that isn't doable for everyone.  Given that, I probably would have tried to lay as low as possible.  

It actually reminds me of the situation someone posted about not long ago where they had extra house guests and the host had a tantrum about laundry.  I really think it wasn't about laundry at all.  But about being in an unusual stressful situation where you're used to having your own space.  And maybe not having the emotional maturity to say, hey, I really am feeling stressed and extended and need a break, I think I'll go hide or step away for a bit.  

As a new, young mother I think you should feel zero responsbility or guilt.  You were doing the best you could with what tools you had at your disposal at the time.  And if your mother regularly outbursts without regret or apology, I would feel pretty fine about a low contact, minimal drama relationship.  We all live and learn.

I can’t imagine living in a hotel as a first time mom. It would never cross my mind as an option. Sounds nightmarish. 

[catz]

1 minute ago, lauraw4321 said:

I can’t imagine living in a hotel as a first time mom. It would never cross my mind as an option. Sounds nightmarish. 

To me it sounds infinitely better than being in another person's space for who knows how long where I could order whatever take out I wanted, control the cable, walk around without a top on, etc.  Everyone is different.  

[Pawz4me]

Not more than an hour ago I was thinking how clueless and unempowered (probably not a word) and lacking in self awareness my 20 something self was. I was truly unaware of how many options were available to me. I think it's so very easy to look back across decades and wonder how we could have done or not done something, let ourselves be taken advantage of or missed great opportunities. But time makes us forget how we were then. No doubt you handled the situation the best way you could at the time, and that's really all that matters.

[SKL]

Honestly, it was pretty normal for my mom to spout colorful language at us when she was stressed or annoyed.  "Go to hell" would have been relatively mild.  I would not have cried or any of that.  I would have been over the moment as soon as my mom was.

If I was feeling touchy, I might have gone and shut myself in my room (at her house) until I felt able to have a normal conversation again.  Like maybe an hour or so.  Or otherwise stayed away from her physically for a while.

I would have been more careful to clean up after myself after that.  I would have also (after calmness resumed) tried to find other ways to help out, such as cooking some of the meals etc.

I would have moved back home the instant power came back on.  🙂

[bolt.]

I, like you, would have joined the fiction of "let's pretend that never happened" -- and walked on eggshells in exchange for safe shelter in a house with the electricity on. I wouldn't have stayed longer than I had to, of course, but I wouldn't have rocked the boat when I had nowhere reasonable to go to get away.

[HomeAgain]

You met your physical needs before your emotional ones.  It's a very valid response and focused on protecting your baby.

I don't know what I would have done. But I do know that no matter how I would have responded in the immediate, my long term plan after that would have included safety in other ways.  I used to keep a credit card in the safe.  It had a high limit, which allowed me the flexibility to have an emergency and deal with it how I thought best.

Edited January 12, 2023 by HomeAgain

[Indigo Blue]

4 minutes ago, catz said:

Like 52 year old me can kind of understand how having extra bodies including a new baby under your roof for an indeterminate length of time could start to grate on a person.  I also think as a new mom recovering from birth which I think is some level of trauma anyway, that is a time of being absorbed in your baby and your healing.  AS IT SHOULD BE.  Like it doesn't at all seem surprising that a blow up could occur.  Not that she should have exploded and apologized and acted better of course.  Like somoene like this sounds emotionally unhealthy and immature.    

Honestly, I love my mom and have a decent relationship with her.  But we would have probably checked into a hotel if at all possible with that length of time.  I personally would have been a mess trying to stay somewhere else with my newborn without my husband.  Some insurance policies may have some coverage on that.  I totally get that isn't doable for everyone.  Given that, I probably would have tried to lay as low as possible.  

It actually reminds me of the situation someone posted about not long ago where they had extra house guests and the host had a tantrum about laundry.  I really think it wasn't about laundry at all.  But about being in an unusual stressful situation where you're used to having your own space.  And maybe not having the emotional maturity to say, hey, I really am feeling stressed and extended and need a break, I think I'll go hide or step away for a bit.  

As a new, young mother I think you should feel zero responsbility or guilt.  You were doing the best you could with what tools you had at your disposal at the time.  And if your mother regularly outbursts without regret or apology, I would feel pretty fine about a low contact, minimal drama relationship.  We all live and learn.

I understand we were guests. At first, we thought I’d be a few days… a week maybe. It just dragged on into two weeks. We just didn’t know. 
 

Honestly, if I had a daughter in that situation, I’d hope she’d come stay with me, and I’d help with the baby and take care of her until she healed. Make good food for her, etc. Gosh, even without loss of power. I’d just want to do that. No one is obligated to do that, I know. That’s just how I’d feel.  Lot of parents do that. I wouldn’t get mad over my kitchen table being a bit cluttered with baby stuff. 
 

Oh, I’m not fussing at you!!! Just stating that I’d be a bit more motherly in that situation, and I’d love to have my new grandson there, even though it had to be because of a catastrophic storm. That’s just me, though. 

[Indigo Blue]

11 minutes ago, lauraw4321 said:

I can’t imagine living in a hotel as a first time mom. It would never cross my mind as an option. Sounds nightmarish. 

I think I would have preferred it. I say that. But who knows what the reality of that would be. If had been an option, I would have made a run for it. I remember sitting there debating whether to have Dh boss’s wife call his boss…..or not. I wanted to call and leave so badly. 

[SKL]

I mean put things in perspective.  Sometimes babies are born in difficult times.  Imagine being 9mos pregnant in a bomb shelter in Ukraine right now ... I guarantee some women are.  Imagine your kid is so unwanted by your extended family that you have to go give birth in another town, relinquish the baby, and lie and say it was a stillbirth (a story of someone dear to me) ... then come back and resume your job and housekeeping duties because nobody else is gonna do them.  Imagine permanently living with your abusive in-laws in a culture that doesn't accept other living arrangements (if you could even afford them, which you couldn't).

Life is messy.  A few harsh words are, and should be, easy to move on from IMO.

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, SKL said:

I mean put things in perspective.  Sometimes babies are born in difficult times.  Imagine being 9mos pregnant in a bomb shelter in Ukraine right now ... I guarantee some women are.  Imagine your kid is so unwanted by your extended family that you have to go give birth in another town, relinquish the baby, and lie and say it was a stillbirth (a story of someone dear to me) ... then come back and resume your job and housekeeping duties because nobody else is gonna do them.  Imagine permanently living with your abusive in-laws in a culture that doesn't accept other living arrangements (if you could even afford them, which you couldn't).

Life is messy.  A few harsh words are, and should be, easy to move on from IMO.

This situation was nothing like what is happening in Ukraine. I’m not even comparing them. But it doesn’t minimize what happened to me. And abuse isn’t easy to move on from….at least it hasn’t been for me. And it wasn’t just a few harsh words. It was a lifetime of them. So, there was more emotional pain going on for me as a result of that during the hurricane situation. It IS all in perspective now. Now, I’m  just scratching an itch …to know what others would have done. 
 

 

Edited January 12, 2023 by Indigo Blue
Big boo boo

[Katy]

(Deleted personal story)

I highly recommend the books Boundaries and Stop Walking on Eggshells. 

Edited January 12, 2023 by Katy

[catz]

20 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I understand we were guests. At first, we thought I’d be a few days… a week maybe. It just dragged on into two weeks. We just didn’t know. 
 

Honestly, if I had a daughter in that situation, I’d hope she’d come stay with me, and I’d help with the baby and take care of her until she healed. Make good food for her, etc. Gosh, even without loss of power. I’d just want to do that. No one is obligated to do that, I know. That’s just how I’d feel.  Lot of parents do that. I wouldn’t get mad over my kitchen table being a bit cluttered with baby stuff. 
 

Oh, I’m not fussing at you!!! Just stating that I’d be a bit more motherly in that situation, and I’d love to have my new grandson there, even though it had to be because of a catastrophic storm. That’s just me, though. 

Absolutely.  To me it sounds like your mom has a really poor emotional tool set.  I have a daughter too and a college student and right now I'm baking batches of cookies to take to my college student's performance group.  I love to nuture my kids and if I needed a break, I'd step away.  And if the kitchen was driving me nuts, I'd like to think I'd enlist the non new mother to help clean it up and just get it done.  And not blow up on those around me.  

Like in a vacuum, I think the occassional temper tantrum during a stressful time isn't that big a deal.  I get there is a whole lot more history here.  I will say going through therapy was really helpful for me in giving me perspective on my parents sometimes less than healthy emotional responses. 

Edited January 12, 2023 by catz

[Indigo Blue]

Sorry that happened to you, @KatyGood for you for seeing what you needed to do about it. I have another story I could tell where a hard slap was involved. I was 17. So, know that I relate to how that makes you feel. 

[Junie]

I would have stayed and I would have done my best to stay out of the way to avoid further conflict.

[fraidycat]

Young me would have stayed and walked on eggshells to try to avoid another outburst.

Power/running water and keeping the baby safe/fed/clean would be my number one concern, even if it meant putting up with some emotional/verbal abuse myself.

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

Young me would have stayed and walked on eggshells to try to avoid another outburst.

Power/running water and keeping the baby safe/fed/clean would be my number one concern, even if it meant putting up with some emotional/verbal abuse myself.

True. 

[scholastica]

I don’t know what I would have done. Stuck in a pattern of abuse, unaware it was wrong or abnormal, I think most people would do just what you did. Please don’t hold yourself accountable for what you didn’t know at the time. You are in no way responsible for her behavior, nor do you know if anything you had done differently would have changed the dynamics. She’s a really broken person and they don’t always have the resources to heal fully and be normal no matter what the consequences. 
Hugs. Practice saying “I did the best I could at the time.” until you believe it.

[SKL]

This conversation reminds me of when my mom, in a one-time situation, asked her mom for a ride somewhere.  She was pregnant with #6, had a 3yo with her, and her 16yo needed to go to the hospital by ambulance (moving from home care in a body cast to the next phase of in-hospital rehab).  Mom wanted to accompany the 16yo in the ambulance if possible.  Granny lived very close to the hospital, which was some distance away from our home.  Mom asked Granny in advance if she'd like to pick her up at the hospital, grab lunch at McD's, and drop my mom and the 3yo off at home.  Granny said sure.  Then, during the McD lunch, Granny told my mom that she ought to have an abortion rather than keep asking for favors for more and more kids.

Mom's comment was something along the lines of "what else did I expect."  No question it was part of a pattern of abuse that started in infancy.  (Her dad was far worse, but he was 100% out of her life before she had kids.)

My mom had her moments too, but nothing near what her folks used to do and say.  Most of her children didn't react much to her moments.  I do have at least one sister who held onto a lot of anger and blame as a young adult.  I had to remind her that even moms are imperfect humans.  Her relationship with our folks has been very good since she matured.

[Indigo Blue]

Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. For these responses. Very helpful. Much appreciated!!!!

[livetoread]

We didn't have much money when I was that age and I certainly wouldn't have spent the money to stay at a hotel for who knows how long instead. It would have been hundreds of dollars. I would have stayed, kept my head down, and done what I needed to do to keep a free roof over my head until I could leave safely. And honestly, at 57, if I didn't have enough money for a long stay at a hotel instead, I'd do the same thing. 

Like most new mothers, I was super vulnerable during that time and it would have hurt badly to be treated like that. Even not as a new mother, I am easily hurt and I don't forget purposefully inflicted pain like that. I would have stayed, but I never would have trusted her emotionally again without a deep, sincere apology. People who lash out and then act like nothing happened are people I never, ever trust, though that doesn't mean I wouldn't use them if I needed to.

[Tiberia]

I would have done the same thing you did.

I didn't know about toxic people at that age, or NPD, or family dysfunction. You took your baby to a safe place and stayed at the safe place. It was not emotionally safe for you at the time, looking back, but you didn't know that or have any better options.   Yes, you would do something different now, but you have learned so much and evolved so much since then. Your mom, unfortunately, has not evolved or learned.

Have grace and compassion for your younger self; she did a good job in a difficult situation. She survived and she kept her baby safe.

[Rosie_0801]

I've put up with plenty of abuse for the sake of my kids (or because I didn't have the money or energy for alternative arrangements.) Then the minute I can bolt, I do. So, in that situation, I'd have stayed like you did, then never initiated contact with the woman again.

[lmrich]

I would have stayed and then left  when it was safe for me to return home. I might  have stayed in my room for most of my time there. 

And so sorry this happened to you and is still impacting your life. 

Edited January 12, 2023 by lmrich

[Indigo Blue]

9 minutes ago, Tiberia said:

Have grace and compassion for your younger self; she did a good job in a difficult situation. She survived and she kept her baby safe.

Thanks so much for that, @Tiberia.

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I've put up with plenty of abuse for the sake of my kids (or because I didn't have the money or energy for alternative arrangements.) Then the minute I can bolt, I do. So, in that situation, I'd have stayed like you did, then never initiated contact with the woman again.

Thanks, Rosie. As always. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

My grandmother likes her house just so, in exact order, and having someone else with a newborn in her house for more than a day or two would have also inevitably led to a meltdown of a similar sort.  And probably over something similar like baby stuff being left on her pristine table for two long.

The difference is that she isn’t toxic. Just extremely easily overloaded sensory wise.  I stayed with her a while when I went back to school in my mid-20s because her home was in the area I was doing my hospital clinicals.  After about 3 days she’d always start to get really touchy about things so I’d leave again.  One time I think she did scream at me, but I honestly shrugged it off and went to bed.  Usually once she had a meltdown her sensory system would reset and she’d be okay. 
So that’s probably what I’d do.  But I remember everything feeling so much more difficult and complicated when I was post partum. And neither my mother or my grandmother were the warm nurturing types.  They were/are the kind who birthed the baby in the field and kept right on working.  So I never had that expectation of any nurturing help.

[Ausmumof3]

At 25, I would have stayed put and stayed quiet. If I had a space in the house to be private I would have spent a lot of time there. I would have cried a lot.

[OH_Homeschooler]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

This situation was nothing like what is happening in Ukraine. I’m not even comparing them. But it doesn’t minimize what happened to me. And abuse isn’t easy to move on from….at least it hasn’t been for me. And it wasn’t just a few harsh words. It was a lifetime of them. So, there was more emotional pain going on for me as a result of that during the hurricane situation. It IS all in perspective now. Now, I’m  just scratching an itch …to know what others would have done. 
 

 

I completely agree with you, just because bad things happen to other people doesn't mean you are not traumatized. And a lot of people need to do a tiny bit of research and learn to stop minimizing what other people have gone through. 

I think you did the right thing by staying. You needed to provide shelter for your baby, and you did that at great personal cost. It was brave! 

 

Edited January 12, 2023 by OH_Homeschooler

[Terabith]

I, also, would have kept my head down and stayed. But I’m so sorry you went through that.  

[Jaybee]

I would have done as you did, or as @fairfarmhandwould have done. Then I would have limited the contact afterward.

Now, had I been in your situation with no power, etc., but with my mom? I would have gone to her house, anxious because I was a new mom with a newborn, but something in me would have relaxed when I entered the house. She would have made sure I had all I needed, and would have cooked all the meals. She would have checked to see if I needed laundry done, and would have taken care of it. If I wanted a long shower, she would have been delighted to hold the baby. But she wouldn't have tried to make me cook or do other work while she held the baby, because her philosophy was that a new mom needed grandmothers or other help, not to take care of the baby, but to free the mom from any other work so that she could care for the baby herself and bond with it. I would have worried that the baby's crying would bother my mom and dad, but they would not have worried about it. If I felt up to it, they would have taken me out to eat at some point. They would have asked if I needed anything from the store when they bought groceries, and would have paid for anything. I would have napped when I could, and would have spent time in my room (because I'm an introvert who escapes like that), but I wouldn't have felt I had to do so to stay out of their way. I would have been ready to get back to my own home and my dh, but not because I wasn't welcome and cared for at their house. 

I wish you had had that kind of care for 25yo you with a newborn. 

[Murphy101]

What would I have done at 25?

Probably the same thing. Survival Mode isn’t called “Make Happy Choices Mode” for a reason.

At 25 I probably would not have been very forgiving either.  I wouldn’t have thought it was traumatic bc I’d had enough trauma that it would have take  more than being yelled at to go to hell to meet that bar for me. 

25 years later me?

sigh. I would chalk it up to it sounds likely your mom just happened to have also been having a really hard time then too.   Probably something you knew nothing about. Probably she regretted it and didn’t even understand why she snapped for an unrelated reason.  

I’ve been a mother and a wife and a friend for 30 years. Long enough to have snapped irrationally at the people I love a few times over the years myself.  We are all broken people. And sometimes our jagged edges cut the people left with the pieces. Maybe she’s a horrible human and wasn’t affected by anything.  But odds are she wasn’t.  Odds are she looked just as normal and okay as you did to her but neither of you actually were.  So you both just kept on trying to look okay in the hopes that eventually you would be. And to be fair, that works most of the time bc eventually over time we usually do get to really be okay again.

[katilac]

I mean, this is fairly impossible to really answer, because there are so many variables, but my first thought is that I would have just left with my brother. 

Barring that, I most likely would have just left, maybe asking my brother for a ride to the Greyhound station to save cab fare, and from there to a cheap motel in the nearest place with power. 

I may or may not have told them to go to hell in return. 

It's impossible to say what the relationship would look like going forward, bc again, a million variables. It wouldn't be an automatic or permanent dealbreaker for me, in terms of having a relationship with them. They did a bad thing by yelling at you to go to hell, but they did a good thing in taking you and the baby in for two weeks. It's just very dependent on the overall relationship. 

I don't think it matters what other people would have done, though, because you're going to get plenty of different answers (there is no right answer, and there is no wrong answer). Maybe just picture the scenario in your mind, inserting the response you wish you would have made then, and it might weigh on you less.

 

[Farrar]

There is rarely a more vulnerable time in a woman's life than when she's just become a mother for the first time. I'm the type of person to walk out or lash out immediately and do something stubborn and possibly even dangerous when threatened, and I can tell you that in the first two weeks after my kids were born, I was such a mess. I also would have put my head down and kept the peace and done whatever I could to just move through it if I'd been in that situation.

[Melissa Louise]

4 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I would have sat quietly, kept my head down, and stayed to myself as much as possible. Also would have gone out of my way to not be a bit of trouble or make any messes. I would have just sucked it up until I could get out of there and then made plans in the future so that nothing like that could ever happen again.

This, but then I'd spend the next 30 years thinking 'was it so bad?' and 'I'm sure this time it will be better' and 'why do I always feel so bad after, I must be a very bad daughter'. So if you haven't wasted 30 years, OP, then you're doing great.

I will say that I don't think it's all that useful for me to ruminate over things in the past. It's unpleasant for me, besides anyone else.

We do what we do, presumably because that's what we can do at that time. I can't change any of that. We do have to work through that material, and I think it's ideal to do that with a trusted and skilled other who can bring you out of rumination. 

It's good to look at those situations, understand how you responded, connect that to any enduring personality traits in yourself, and use that information to help you have better current relationships with loved ones.

[Melissa Louise]

I also think - and I want to say this gently - that families, often, have terrible stories of abuse. I know I could fill up the front page with threads on different memories. I really, truly encourage decent therapy, which I know is hard to access and $. It's my second budget item after rent, so I do get that it's not easy to do. But a good therapist can take you so much further in dealing with your family history than we can.

[Faith-manor]

I would have stayed due to lack of choice. But when I left I would have had words. I can say that as a new mom, I was very vulnerable. It might have been years before I would have considered being in the same building with that person.

[Boymama5]

I also would have stayed for my child. Also seeing that this was most likely a cycle of treatment that I didn’t understand how to resolve or keep myself safe from I wouldn’t have said anything. I would dwell upon it and probably later in come to the conclusion of why it happened (mom was dealing with depression, unresolved issues or so on). Today I would deal with it differently, but I also have different resources than when a young, new mom hoping my an mother would change at this time.