Now I'm curious - teens & guests

[fraidycat]

DS (16)'s girlfriend came into our house a few minutes ago. DS and I were standing in the dining room talking with her and he said "Oh yeah, Mom (gf's name) is coming over." Lol. Nothing like stating the obvious. Usually I find out she is visiting when I see her shoes or her. 🙂

Anyway, GF responded "My mom would have a fit if I didn't ask first." (Before having a guest over.)

It never would have crossed my mind that my teen or young adult should have to ask permission to invite a guest into their home. We'd just go to whoever's house that sounded like fun or at least was a place to hang out. As teens, we were in and out of all the houses, depending on our whims and what we felt like doing and which house contained the necessary stuff (pool table, comfiest movie watching spot, cards and card table, etc.)

So now I'm curious, do you expect teens that are old enough to have a job (DS and his GF both work) and drive (both have their license and exclusive use of a vehicle) to ask permission to bring a guest into their own home?

Side note so that the thread doesn't get sidetracked by a question I'm not asking: We do have "in the home" rules about the visits, it's not a complete free-for-all with for romantic teens. 😉  My question is in the general sense, whether the guest(s) are platonic or not.

 

 

[mommyoffive]

In my house yes you would have to ask permission.  It isn't about the age, but I would want to know and decide if I am up for people in my home or not.  

[footballmom]

If they want to hang out in part of the house that would displace others (ie finished basement where DH likes to watch tv), then yes they ask.  Otherwise, they are always welcome to have friends over / stop by.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes because I would be preparing meals and would need to plan for another person. It’s just polite to give me advance notice. 

[fraidycat]

Just now, Jean in Newcastle said:

Yes because I would be preparing meals and would need to plan for another person. It’s just polite to give me advance notice. 

Oh yeah, I want to know how many I'm feeding, so they know to let me know if they will have extra mouths with them or will not be here.

This is 8:00 on a Saturday night. They made their own hot chocolate and are watching a movie.

[rebcoola]

No asking is needed for anyone to have guests over. They may ask rather than check the calendar themselves if it seems easier to them.

[kokotg]

My kids would probably ask while clearly expecting me to say yes, like "okay if x comes over?"...but they ask about just about everything out of habit, I think. My almost 17 year old will still ask if it's okay for him to have a bowl of ice cream. I have no idea why--I've never been the sort of parent to really crack down on ice cream consumption! 

[Elizabeth86]

I don’t have teens, BUT I’m going to have say I will probably say I’d expect them to ask. I am a really anxious person and one that that really sends my anxiety wild is having someone in my house. Ugh. I probably need to get a handle on this before I do have teens. I just hate visitors. I truly would love to be the person that has the home where everyone likes to gather, but nope.

Edited November 20, 2022 by Elizabeth86

[marbel]

My kids would always ask or at least let me know that someone was coming over. I mean, if anyone, including a friend of mine or my husband, is coming over, all the inhabitants of the house are alerted (for lack of a better word). I think it's just a normal thing to let people know if someone is coming to the house. I would never tell them someone couldn't come over so it's not really a need to ask permission, just inform.

[teachermom2834]

Yes they ask. They know the answer is 99% of the time going to be yes and they might be pretty close the the house but they do check. 
 

I occasionally get migraines and am down for the count except when I get up to puke. Don’t want company. That’s the kind of thing that would get a no. 

Edited November 20, 2022 by teachermom2834

[Ottakee]

Well, I have often walked in the door from work to be greeted by ds’s friend.  He just grins and says L said I could come over.    Not a big deal but sometimes I will plan dinner for the 3 of us that live here and have to change plans when I realize that there will be 6 people here for supper.   

[Farrar]

No need to ask here. But my kids aren't the way I was as a teen where we were just in and out of peoples' houses all the time. Like, to the extent that in some homes, we'd practically just let ourselves in. 

[fraidycat]

3 minutes ago, Farrar said:

No need to ask here. But my kids aren't the way I was as a teen where we were just in and out of peoples' houses all the time. Like, to the extent that in some homes, we'd practically just let ourselves in. 

Yeah, mine aren't like this to the same extent either, but this was my teen years. All the parents were Mom & Dad, in all the houses. Heck, we would let ourselves in if we were meeting a friend at their house and we got there first. We'd walk in and visit with "Mom & Dad" until friend got home. My friends did the same at my house. 

[J-rap]

We never had a rule that they had to ask, but I believe they did usually ask or at least let me know, out of consideration.  (And knowing that I always had the right to say "sorry that won't work tonight" if we truly had something else going on.)

[fraidycat]

46 minutes ago, kokotg said:

My kids would probably ask while clearly expecting me to say yes, like "okay if x comes over?"...but they ask about just about everything out of habit, I think. My almost 17 year old will still ask if it's okay for him to have a bowl of ice cream. I have no idea why--I've never been the sort of parent to really crack down on ice cream consumption! 

 Now that you mention it, my DD still asks about consuming food, too. My answer is always "the food is meant to be eaten, so yes, please eat it", but she does still ask.

[Bambam]

Yes, it was, and is, common courtesy in our home to let everyone else know that XYZ person is coming over. Not ask permission exactly, but give everyone a head's up so if there is a problem, the other person can say, that doesn't work for this reason. Also, one of DD's boyfriends would come over EARLY in the morning so they could eat breakfast together. That's fine, but WARN me first. I shower and dress first thing before I leave my bedroom, but I still want to know if there is going to an extra person there when I emerge about 7 am. 

You did/do have to ask permission for meals though- I need to know so we can make sure to have enough. 

[Farrar]

2 minutes ago, fraidycat said:

Yeah, mine aren't like this to the same extent either, but this was my teen years. All the parents were Mom & Dad, in all the houses. Heck, we would let ourselves in if we were meeting a friend at their house and we got there first. We'd walk in and visit with "Mom & Dad" until friend got home. My friends did the same at my house. 

Same. But I just had a very different upbringing and it feels like it was a very different time. As I was typing my reply I was remembering going to visit a friend in the middle of the night and just letting myself in and how his mom was there working in their den and was like, oh, hey, did you just come in. Like, it's past midnight, but whatever, no big deal, totally normal. I think the whole zeitgeist was just really different.

[Annie G]

Our kids didn’t have to ask to have a friend over unless it was over a mealtime.  
 

In our family when we leave the house we tell those still there that we’re leaving, and generally give an estimated return time. Ds is an adult and still lives at home and we all still do this. But I know a lot of people think we’re weird.  

[theelfqueen]

I have to decide if I want to wear pants. 

Kidding

But basically yeah we all communicate before inviting people into the house. And it might be seen as permission asking.  And we communicate and expect communications re comings and goings.

Edited November 20, 2022 by theelfqueen

[Harriet Vane]

I asked that my kids let me know what's going on. Just check with me. I was always happy to have their friends over, always willing. I liked a heads up though.

[fraidycat]

6 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Our kids didn’t have to ask to have a friend over unless it was over a mealtime.  
 

In our family when we leave the house we tell those still there that we’re leaving, and generally give an estimated return time. Ds is an adult and still lives at home and we all still do this. But I know a lot of people think we’re weird.  

We do this, too. We all say goodbye, love you, drive safe, have fun, etc. whether we're going for 15 minutes to the store, or going to be gone for the day for work or an extended outing. Maybe that's weird, but I'm cool with being weird. 

Edited November 20, 2022 by fraidycat

[marbel]

4 minutes ago, Annie G said:

Our kids didn’t have to ask to have a friend over unless it was over a mealtime.  
 

In our family when we leave the house we tell those still there that we’re leaving, and generally give an estimated return time. Ds is an adult and still lives at home and we all still do this. But I know a lot of people think we’re weird.  

I don't think it's weird to let other occupants of the house know when you are leaving. We always let others know when we are leaving. I'd think it odd if, say, while I was in the shower, someone left without saying anything. We might text if the other people are busy working or something (or in the shower). We are all adults here and no one needs to tell me where they're going, of course. 

[Annie G]

21 minutes ago, marbel said:

I don't think it's weird to let other occupants of the house know when you are leaving. We always let others know when we are leaving. I'd think it odd if, say, while I was in the shower, someone left without saying anything. We might text if the other people are busy working or something (or in the shower). We are all adults here and no one needs to tell me where they're going, of course. 

Thanks for saying it’s not weird. I’ve had enough friends and family tell me it’s weird/dumb that I believed it.  
I don’t care where they’re going- usually our kids told us, but if they just said they were going out we didn’t question where they were off to.  I just wanted that change to tell the to be careful and that I love them. Because you just never know…

[Clemsondana]

I think it depends on family routines.  As a teen, my parents probably would have been OK with a friend coming by, but for most of us, boyfriend/girlfriend visits were limited to weekends and 1 weeknight because parents didn't want things to be..too serious?  too distracting from school?  I mean, couples saw each other at school and ball games or band practice, but didn't hang out at houses daily during the week.  I hung out with a group of band kids who came over every Friday after the football game.  On Saturday, we went to one of 2 houses, one of which was mine, or sometimes bowling.  We'd check with the parents to make sure they were up to having us over, but as long as it followed the routine it was usually fine.  So, I can see there being family/friend routines that mostly just happen every week.  

I can also see kids having an 'always around' best friend or SO that is basically family and not checking about that.  It wasn't my situation, or my kids, but I could imagine that it could be.  But, most of the time checking in would be closer to what I'd expect.  Spouse and I would do the same, though - Do we have plans tonight?  Is it a problem if Sally comes over?  or Any reason why Jesse shouldn't come by tonight?  It's easy to forget about having to go to the band concert, or that I'm using our usual take-out order, etc.  I mean, it wouldn't be usual for it to be a problem.  But, my kid with a car usually says 'I'm headed to ball practice now' even though it's the same time every day, so it would be something more like that.  They also ask about food, mostly because they don't want to accidentally eat an ingredient.  I think they live in fear that they'll eat something as a snack and miss out on a favorite food that I was going to make because I no longer have everything that the recipe calls for!  They don't usually ask about something that's been opened or something like an apple or grapes, other than to ask when the next meal is so that they know whether to eat or wait,  

Edited November 20, 2022 by Clemsondana

[Shelydon]

My kids always ask. I like a little warning so we can tidy up.  

[madteaparty]

Please, when DS was homeschooled I would beg, borrow, steal twice over to have friends drop in unannounced. Friends were a bit thin on the ground then. Now at college it’s a different story. I think someone has passed or will pas through our house every time he comes through. I love it, but then again these are usual overnight visits or they require planning(us driving kids back to school, etc) so he always asks. I would not expect to be asked for him to have casual visits over that don’t require meals and me making a bed. It’s his home. 

[Tanaqui]

It's never occurred to me that they should ask! I do expect them to inform me if they plan to bring somebody over to eat a meal, especially if that person has any dietary restrictions.

Though I'd be a little put out if I found out that the kids had been going around saying "Oh, my parents would have a fit if this or that" out of nowhere. Like, it's okay if they feel they need to say it to easily get out of an iffy situation ("No, totally can't go drinking with you, my parents would kill me!") but I don't want them maligning me for no reason. Even if it's literally true that I'd be upset, I'd like the phrasing to be more neutral.

[catz]

To be honest, after covid, this has never happened at our house.  Prior to covid, yes, we'd occassionally get unexpected guests.  Though most of the time we do have a heads up just because of logistics.

[Aggietyle]

My kids ask for overnights.  Sometimes everyone is just hanging out and they need to run home for something - so there are a few extra people here for a little while.  Not a big deal. 

[KidsHappen]

My kids don't have to ask and I have had the experience of bumping into friends I have not met yet say when we are both making a trip to the kitchen for a drink or  something.

[Grace Hopper]

My kids were almost always welcome to bring friends home, but I did always ask them to give me a heads up so they wouldn’t catch me in my pajamas. 

We do now have a few friends of our grown girls who are welcome to let them selves into our house any time, but they also give us notice. 

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, Annie G said:

Thanks for saying it’s not weird. I’ve had enough friends and family tell me it’s weird/dumb that I believed it.  
I don’t care where they’re going- usually our kids told us, but if they just said they were going out we didn’t question where they were off to.  I just wanted that change to tell the to be careful and that I love them. Because you just never know…

Another vote for not weird.  I track every one down to jet them all know that I’m leaving and which combo of siblings are going with me.  
If anyone else leaves the house they just tells me.  Then all the other occupants ask me about the missing one.  I’m the family bulletin board apparently.  
 

[Heartstrings]

1 hour ago, Clemsondana said:

I can also see kids having an 'always around' best friend or SO that is basically family and not checking about that. 

This was me growing up, my best friends mom joked about having joint custody of me bc I was there so often.    My daughter has a neighborhood friend like this now, she’s over every night.  I just plan around it.  

[gardenmom5]

Not permission per se - but making sure there isn't something going on that would be a conflict.

I was at a wedding in another state today - and found out from the bride's sil, that 1ds (doens't live here) and 2ds had invited the sil and dss friend (and a not-quite 2yo) to my house to watch stuff/hang out next saturday.   I would appreciate notice - even if it's just so I can make sure the theater has been vacuumed. . . 

[Eos]

7 hours ago, kokotg said:

My kids would probably ask while clearly expecting me to say yes, like "okay if x comes over?"...but they ask about just about everything out of habit, I think. My almost 17 year old will still ask if it's okay for him to have a bowl of ice cream. I have no idea why--I've never been the sort of parent to really crack down on ice cream consumption! 

All of this is the same here.  I've never had a rule about asking to have friends over but they do.  Same with eating things.  It's true that a million years ago I did fancy catering for clients out of the house and they would worry the stuff was for the catering but I haven't done that for 16 years and they still ask.  I always say "you don't have to ask" but it still happens.

[Carrie12345]

I don’t consider it “permission”, but checking first to see if it’s all good.

A few weeks ago, dd popped in with her bf while I was completely exhausted with two new puppies and finally catching a much needed nap on the couch with the other dog. Instead, I ended up with a barking mini dog, two puppies begging to be uncrated, and a very nice young man seeing me with wild hair, squinty sleep eyes, and probably drool. It was not all good.

My rule with my own friends is, verbatim, “Text me first so I can at least make sure there isn’t pee on the toilet.” In which case I’d also probably throw on a bra and re-secure a sloppy ponytail or bun.

I keep a fairly clean house, but I don’t live my day company ready.

[Guest]

Have not read other replies yet: 

Absolutely expect all guests of any type to be cleared with me and/or dh first. At this point (Ds is almost 18 and is the youngest), it is more a courtesy than “asking permission” and I’m really unlikely to say No except for unusual circumstances (someone is ill; severe weather is forecasted…) but I would be seriously irritated if other people turned up here unexpected. 
 

I will say I am not an “open door policy” type of person in the first place and I do not like my own drop-in visitors either. 

[HomeAgain]

I expect people who need supervision to ask permission.

By the time they're old enough not to need to be supervised, I don't much care.  A head's up is nice but not necessary.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, marbel said:

I don't think it's weird to let other occupants of the house know when you are leaving. We always let others know when we are leaving. I'd think it odd if, say, while I was in the shower, someone left without saying anything. We might text if the other people are busy working or something (or in the shower). We are all adults here and no one needs to tell me where they're going, of course. 

We do that too. Also, if anyone is going somewhere atypical, we leave information on a note pad in the kitchen; ie,: “Tyler and I are Hiking at Harper’s Ferry and then stopping for lunch on the way home.” The thought is: if something goes wrong, the other family members know where to start looking. 
 

PS: we do not do the Life 360 or other phone tracking apps on the kids or on each other. I’m pretty uncomfortable with that level of surveillance upon family members. 

Edited November 20, 2022 by Quill

[Soror]

I've told my older ones they can have people over whenever I just want a heads up. My son-18- always asks permission, even though I've told him he doesn't have to. He doesn't have friends over but has his girlfriend over frequently. My older dd is only 15 so I'd not be as chill with a boyfriend over whenever but am fine with it as long as we're in the house. Her friends are starting to drive and she will be soon so I expect people in and out.

My younger ones I always know ahead of time because things have to be arranged since they're not old enough to drive or have driving friends. They have no friends close enough to walk and there isn't public transportation here. 

I like a heads up so I'm somewhat presentable - mostly have a bra on. 

We let the kids know where we're going and how long we expect to be gone too. I think that is just courtesy. I expect my kids to do the same. It has nothing to do with permission. 

[Eos]

29 minutes ago, Quill said:

We do that too. Also, if anyone is going somewhere atypical, we leave information on a note pad in the kitchen; ie,: “Tyler and I are Hiking at Harper’s Ferry and then stopping for lunch on the way home.” The thought is: if something goes wrong, the other family members know where to start looking. 

We do this too, for this reason.  We all hike and canoe a fair amount and it's just part of our routine to say where we'll be and about what time we'll be back.  It's a safety habit, but not really an asking permission thing.

Related: I have a hard rule for dd17 (which was true for her older sibs too) that is if plans change, she must let us know.  

[lmrich]

not permission - just a head's up 

And with three kids who might all want to have friends over at the same time,  we had to balance who got the use of the game room, etc...

[pinball]

Some homes have issues that complicate things…like disabled household members or members who do shift work.

With that in mind, the rule around here is ask and also make sure your friend has asked at their home if you are going somewhere.

[marbel]

8 hours ago, Annie G said:

Thanks for saying it’s not weird. I’ve had enough friends and family tell me it’s weird/dumb that I believed it.  
I don’t care where they’re going- usually our kids told us, but if they just said they were going out we didn’t question where they were off to.  I just wanted that change to tell the to be careful and that I love them. Because you just never know…

Honestly, I'm annoyed on your behalf that people have ever hassled you about this. I mean, why wouldn't we say goodbye to the people we live with if we're going out? I'm pretty sure even when I lived with roommates we would let each other know if we were leaving - "hey, I'm going to work now, see you later" - how is that weird?  

We also always say good night when going to bed. 

I mean, people can do what they want/what works for their family, but to tell someone who does it differently that they are weird, that's just rude.

 

[teachermom2834]

My family wasn’t particularly close growing up but there was still a general communication about comings and goings. Back then it would be a note on top of the TV explaining where someone was and when generally they would be home. I do remember how strange it was on the off occasion when someone would be gone and no one would no where they were. With no cell phones of course you were out of luck. But the fact that I remember the odd feeling of not know where someone was must mean there was a general, very general, sense of comings and goings of household members even older teens. So I think that is a very normal household thing for a lot of people. 
 

We definitely now let people know our general movements even though it isn’t usually asking permission. Just a courtesy. Honestly with phones it is too much for me sometimes. I don’t need to know that you are stopping for gas or whatever. That’s mostly my dh that does that. 
 

As kids we would just show up with friends in tow unannounced but I feel like if I had a cell phone I would have texted that I was bringing someone, which is how my kids would do it. But the need for a heads up when we were kids wasn’t enough to find a pay phone. So in our case I feel like we have the same general “feel” to the flow of the house it is just communication is so much easier.

 

[Pamela H in Texas]

...

Edited November 20, 2022 by Pamela H in Texas
not that brave

[Wheres Toto]

We don't have kids the right ages now but when we did it was more a heads-up than permission.  IF all they were doing was hanging out in dd's room, we didn't mind.    Our house is extremely small so bedrooms are the only places for extra people to hang out.

Now I would ask for a heads-up because youngest dd runs around in tank tops and underwear all day long.  I'd want to at least be able to tell her to put some pants on.    I wouldn't bother putting on a bra for a casual visitor.   

We do all say "bye, love you" when someone leaves the house.    It's our normal and I don't think it's weird at all.  We also say "good night, love you" to each other before going to bed.  

[Annie G]

28 minutes ago, marbel said:

Honestly, I'm annoyed on your behalf that people have ever hassled you about this. I mean, why wouldn't we say goodbye to the people we live with if we're going out? I'm pretty sure even when I lived with roommates we would let each other know if we were leaving - "hey, I'm going to work now, see you later" - how is that weird?  

We also always say good night when going to bed. 

I mean, people can do what they want/what works for their family, but to tell someone who does it differently that they are weird, that's just rude.

 

I found it rude to comment on it, too.  This all happened back before Life 360 or AirTags were a thing and folks thought it was controlling and a sign of insecurity that I wanted to know when folks left, and generally if they’d be home for dinner.  With today’s tracking abilities I suspect more people use technology to know where folks are. I think our longtime method is less intrusive and more relationship building. 

The main argument was that you wouldn’t do that for roommates.  I just don’t consider family members as roommates. 
 

It’s worked out well for us. Oldest Dd has taught the same expectations to her kids, and now that they have freedom to go to friends’ houses and such, she’s glad she did. 

 

[HomeAgain]

9 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

We definitely now let people know our general movements even though it isn’t usually asking permission. Just a courtesy. Honestly with phones it is too much for me sometimes. I don’t need to know that you are stopping for gas or whatever. That’s mostly my dh that does that. 
 

Ah, this, too.  It's just common sense and courtesy.  My kids have grown up in a world where the buddy system exists for good reasons, so letting people know your plans is a smart idea.  I don't have Life360 or anything on my oldest, but I'll tell you what, when he goes on trips he sends us a copy of his accommodations reservation and texts when he gets there.  We let each other know if we're going to the mall or grocery store or wherever because it's nice and it lets the other person tack onto the list or ask to come along.  We share plans because it's just the right thing to do.

I *do* have strict tabs on my 12yo and he is required to keep his phone in his pocket so we can track him, especially at school. The administration's requirement is that it stays in his backpack, which is a no-go for us.  Mostly that's because we live in a time where school shootings happen. If he keeps his phone in his pocket I have a better idea if he's lying on his classroom floor or evacuated.  Probably not the healthiest thoughts, but it's one thing in my ability to control during chaos.

[kirstenhill]

In our previous neighborhood, when only oldest DD was a young teen, all my kids had close neighborhood friends and it was basically an open door policy with all the friends all the time unless I specifically asked them to not let their friends in (because we had an out of town guest or someone was sick or we were about to leave or whatever).  All the kids were well trained not to stay for a meal unless asked to stay ... 😁

After we moved it took a long time before my kids had closer friends, and except for youngest who now has a neighbor friend, my kids rarely have friends to the house - they see their friends other places.  I would be totally fine with older two bringing a friend home unannounced. DS13 it might give me more pause because if he didn't ask first he might not realize there would be intervals where I would be gone driving a sibling somewhere or running an errand, and at his age (and especially because his friends tend to be a bit younger) I think the parents would expect adult supervision. Luckily his friends live  across town so it's unlikely they would show up without parent coordination. 

Edited November 20, 2022 by kirstenhill