Compliments that make you go hmmmm....

[Kanin]

I've had a couple compliments in my life that felt like compliments at first, and then kind of felt like not-compliments when I thought about them more. The first time I remember this happening was in high school. A girl in my class told me that I was "beautiful in an unusual way." At first I was thrilled to get a compliment, and then I was like, "Hey wait a minute... unusual way?!" I realize now that it was still a compliment, but at that time, I wanted to be beautiful in the USUAL way! A lot of my life was unusual, and I was kind of embarrassed about it, so all I wanted was to be completely and utterly regular. 

Well, it just happened again! I got a thank you note the other day was full of very nice compliments, "kind, supportive," things like that, and then the word "unique." 

I'm not opposed to unique. In fact, I love it! But apparently there's still a part of me that wants to be completely normal and not unique. It took me right back to my teenage years.

Anyone else get a compliment that felt a little less than complimentary (even if it was perfectly sincere)?

 

[freesia]

Yes, my cousin was a pro at this type of complement. Grrrr 

I think being unique is great, but really why throw it in when it can be construed so many ways!

[kbutton]

"You'd be so pretty if you put some makeup on!" Gee, thanks! It was from someone very into makeup and fussy clothes who was kind of clueless how it sounded. She was being sincere, but she said it multiple times, lol! 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have been the recipient of many backhanded compliments 

[lewelma]

My FIL once told me that I was a "great vacuum-er." I was like, um, you kind of just go back and forth, not quite sure how you can be good or bad at it.  🤔 

[Tenaj]

I recently shared on another thread about my mil's 'compliment' when I had a houseful of small children.  "I'm so glad you spend time playing with the kids rather than cleaning the bathroom"

Another classic by the same person to anyone who is heavier-weight than her "Here you take the baby, you have more comfortable shoulders with padding than I have.  I'm all skin and bones".

I could go on. It's just part of life now 😬

[gstharr]

Your question was interesting for a slow Saturday  afternoon.

[mathnerd]

My MIL who is considered an “expert” for being the undisputed best cook in her large family, who also infantilizes me and belittles my cooking with dismissive comments, sweeping statements that my healthy cooking is just a fad and she raised healthy kids with good old homestyle cooking which is the “best” etc etc came to dinner before the Covid shutdown, ate everything put in front of her with great appetite, was silent trying to hold her tongue and not to say bad things about my food and remarked to her husband that he should try the store bought yoghurt as it was the best food item on the dinner table and apparently I am good at selecting yoghurt at the supermarket! 

I got a compliment for buying yoghurt when I put in 5 hours to cook a huge meal for my octogenarian in-laws who travel with a large entourage of adult family members and all of them came to dinner that day!

[kbutton]

46 minutes ago, lewelma said:

My FIL once told me that I was a "great vacuum-er." I was like, um, you kind of just go back and forth, not quite sure how you can be good or bad at it.  🤔 

Lol!

I can testify that not everyone is good at it, but it is an odd comment. 

[Drama Llama]

1 hour ago, lewelma said:

My FIL once told me that I was a "great vacuum-er." I was like, um, you kind of just go back and forth, not quite sure how you can be good or bad at it.  🤔 

I have definitely experienced bad vacuuming.  

I am a special educator.  When I taught, I specialized in kids with intellectual disability, often with co-occurring conditions.  When people hear this they inevitably tell me I must be so patient.  Occasionally, I will also get told that I'm a better person than they are.  

I am patient, and my job requires patience, but it also requires lots of technical knowledge, creative problem solving, and perseverance.  No one ever comments on any of those things.  Apparently, I just sit around and wait for kids to learn to read or communicate or whatever by themselves.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Female immigrant cashier (so maybe a cultural or lost in translation dynamic was going on I didn't understand): "You must've been very beautiful once. "

Me (in my head): "Yeah, those were the days..."

[Farrar]

I guess I don't see unique as a bad thing in any way. I wouldn't take that as a backhanded compliment at all.

Now, some of these... especially, things like "you'd be pretty if you..." put on makeup, smiled more, dressed differently... GAG GAG GAG. And also ones that are like, "it's good that you're so smart/talented" when the context is looks. Like, ugh. Just... don't.

My brother always repeated over and over that I was "book smart" and it finally sunk in at some point that what he meant was that he thought I was an idiot at anything outside of academia. Of course, at the point at which he was still saying this, he was on the run from the law and totally broke while I owned a house and had a master's degree and a stable relationship (and also no outstanding warrants). He's since gotten his life together and actually is pretty successful, but like, dude, no.

[Guest]

“You look better without your glasses.” Well, thanks but I have to, you know…see. 
 

Or one mom I met when dd was a baby, “If I had a body like yours, I would wear cooler clothes.” 🙄

 

 

 

[Clemsondana]

I find life to be easier if I take things at face value.  If they intended a compliment, then great!  If they were being passive aggressive, then they get no satisfaction because it 'goes right over my head'.  Either way, I win.  🙂  

[Farrar]

26 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

I find life to be easier if I take things at face value.  If they intended a compliment, then great!  If they were being passive aggressive, then they get no satisfaction because it 'goes right over my head'.  Either way, I win.  🙂  

I agree with this, which is why "unique" and "good vacuumer" wouldn't bug me a bit. But sometimes it's like the compliment is clearly an effort to change you. Like, "you're better when..." something you never do. Or just absolutely clueless and hard to take as anything but a person who doesn't realize they're awkwardly insulting you.

[PronghornD]

When I was in high school, someone found out I was first in my class academically. They said something like, "You don't seem smart." I like to think that meant I didn't seem geeky. (Not likely.) Or did they mean I seem stupid? I have always wondered.

[Clarita]

Someone once told me I was too pretty to know physics. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

A lady at church said to me, “Your family was so quiet today I had to look and see if you were here!”

uh . . .thanks?

[TravelingChris]

42 minutes ago, Clarita said:

Someone once told me I was too pretty to know physics. 

My dh is very nice looking and is a physicist.  What an idiotic comment.

[Mom_to3]

A friend of mine is very good at this. After I had put on quite a bit of weight after my third kid and breastfeeding, i got "You look healthy. Have you put on weight?" (to know that this was not meant as a compliment one would need to know that this woman is very body conscious and that I was a healthy weight both before and after).

[Laura Corin]

We were invited, along with other neighbours, to a little informal music performance at our elderly neighbour's house. I picked flowers from my garden to take - white iris, strawflower, alchemilla mollis,  pink roses - and tied it with a nice ribbon. Only one other guest bought a gift.

Me - I brought you some flowers

Her - Thank you

Me (self deprecating) - They are just from the garden

Her - It's the thought that counts.

I've never really understood how that phrase is meant to be nice - it always sounds like 'Nice try, failure' to me.

Oh, another. My favourite lecturer at university back in the 80s said I'd be beautiful if I lost weight.

 

 

[Tanaqui]

Not me, but somewhere else: "The cover of this book was REALLY good, like, it looked like something you'd post on Instagram or something!"

The person saying that clearly meant it as a huge compliment, but all I could think was "You mean it doesn't look like a professional artist drew it and got paid?"

(Not to rag on artists who do it for love and never expect payment, of course, but...!)

[TABmom]

Oh, I wouldn’t take unique as a backhanded compliment at all!! The unusual beauty thing would give me pause, but honestly, I think unique is an awesome characteristic! Unless there was reason to believe otherwise, I would take it as a genuine compliment.

10 hours ago, Kanin said:

I've had a couple compliments in my life that felt like compliments at first, and then kind of felt like not-compliments when I thought about them more. The first time I remember this happening was in high school. A girl in my class told me that I was "beautiful in an unusual way." At first I was thrilled to get a compliment, and then I was like, "Hey wait a minute... unusual way?!" I realize now that it was still a compliment, but at that time, I wanted to be beautiful in the USUAL way! A lot of my life was unusual, and I was kind of embarrassed about it, so all I wanted was to be completely and utterly regular. 

Well, it just happened again! I got a thank you note the other day was full of very nice compliments, "kind, supportive," things like that, and then the word "unique." 

I'm not opposed to unique. In fact, I love it! But apparently there's still a part of me that wants to be completely normal and not unique. It took me right back to my teenage years.

Anyone else get a compliment that felt a little less than complimentary (even if it was perfectly sincere)?

 

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Something like unique would only give me pause if the tone was one that implied quotation marks. Ie: You are “unique “. Or:  You are “special “. 

[Scarlett]

12 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Female immigrant cashier (so maybe a cultural or lost in translation dynamic was going on I didn't understand): "You must've been very beautiful once. "

Me (in my head): "Yeah, those were the days..."

I have found there are a lot of people who find their kicks in attractive people aging.  ( but I bet you are correct about the language barrier in that case)
 

On the flip side  I ran into a guy from high school  in our 20s and he mentioned that he worked with an older lady who looks like I will probably look when I am older.  Ummm.   Thanks? 🤷🏻‍♀️  

Edited June 19, 2022 by Scarlett

[Emba]

4 hours ago, TABmom said:

Oh, I wouldn’t take unique as a backhanded compliment at all!! The unusual beauty thing would give me pause, but honestly, I think unique is an awesome characteristic! Unless there was reason to believe otherwise, I would take it as a genuine compliment.

 

Me too! I love unique.

[Emba]

I went to high school with a girl who was a master of the backhanded compliment. I saw her at our 20 year reunion and she gave me a compliment and I just sort of nodded and “ um-hmmed “ because I was busy analyzing whether it was actually a compliment or not. 20 years and I snapped right back to high school in a way I hadn’t  for That whole afternoon. 

[teachermom2834]

Well I accidentally put my foot in my mouth and gave someone a back handed compliment once. We were involved in a homeschool activity that had us meeting at different homes. We were relatively low income and all of these homes were really large expensive homes that were so far outside my realm of experience. One time we met at a home and it was absolutely lovely but like 1200 sq ft vs 4000 and I, in my super socially awkward ways, blurted out something about it being a gorgeous smaller house. Well in my mind it was a compliment because I felt so much more at home in a less extravagant setting and I really meant that I loved the house. I get it didn’t come out as a compliment. The lady made that clear and let me have it pretty good. 
 

I get that what I said was rude. She sure let me know! Yeah I never went back and I learned my lesson. Gosh I still cringe over that one and it was a long one. 

[Scarlett]

21 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

Well I accidentally put my foot in my mouth and gave someone a back handed compliment once. We were involved in a homeschool activity that had us meeting at different homes. We were relatively low income and all of these homes were really large expensive homes that were so far outside my realm of experience. One time we met at a home and it was absolutely lovely but like 1200 sq ft vs 4000 and I, in my super socially awkward ways, blurted out something about it being a gorgeous smaller house. Well in my mind it was a compliment because I felt so much more at home in a less extravagant setting and I really meant that I loved the house. I get it didn’t come out as a compliment. The lady made that clear and let me have it pretty good. 
 

I get that what I said was rude. She sure let me know! Yeah I never went back and I learned my lesson. Gosh I still cringe over that one and it was a long one. 

Sounds like she was more rude than you! 

[SKL]

Over a decade ago, I was given a gift card with the instruction to use it for a "fashion forward" purchase for me.  😛  It still rubs me the wrong way!  😛

[SKL]

11 hours ago, PronghornD said:

When I was in high school, someone found out I was first in my class academically. They said something like, "You don't seem smart." I like to think that meant I didn't seem geeky. (Not likely.) Or did they mean I seem stupid? I have always wondered.

Everyone in my graduating class about fainted (visibly) when they found out my brother & I were 2 of the top 3 ACT scores.  😛

[HS Mom in NC]

16 hours ago, Farrar said:

I guess I don't see unique as a bad thing in any way. I wouldn't take that as a backhanded compliment at all.

Agreed!  It would take it as a legitimate compliment-a highly flattering one. 

I suspect people living in more conformity oriented subcultures, more pleaser personality types, and more extroverted personalities would be more inclined to interpret it as a back handed compliment.

[crazyforlatin]

On 6/18/2022 at 3:46 PM, kbutton said:

"You'd be so pretty if you put some makeup on!" Gee, thanks! It was from someone very into makeup and fussy clothes who was kind of clueless how it sounded. She was being sincere, but she said it multiple times, lol! 

Well I had makeup on when someone said I would look pretty with makeup. They should see me without it.

[kbutton]

21 hours ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Agreed!  It would take it as a legitimate compliment-a highly flattering one. 

I suspect people living in more conformity oriented subcultures, more pleaser personality types, and more extroverted personalities would be more inclined to interpret it as a back handed compliment.

I think people can weaponize unique even though a lot of people do truly mean it as a compliment.

On 6/19/2022 at 9:56 AM, teachermom2834 said:

Well I accidentally put my foot in my mouth and gave someone a back handed compliment once. We were involved in a homeschool activity that had us meeting at different homes. We were relatively low income and all of these homes were really large expensive homes that were so far outside my realm of experience. One time we met at a home and it was absolutely lovely but like 1200 sq ft vs 4000 and I, in my super socially awkward ways, blurted out something about it being a gorgeous smaller house. Well in my mind it was a compliment because I felt so much more at home in a less extravagant setting and I really meant that I loved the house. I get it didn’t come out as a compliment. The lady made that clear and let me have it pretty good. 
 

I get that what I said was rude. She sure let me know! Yeah I never went back and I learned my lesson. Gosh I still cringe over that one and it was a long one. 

I would say something like this and then kick myself all afternoon. OTOH, I would love to hear something like this from someone I know well enough to know they like my house. We have a mid-sized house, and there aren't a lot of people we know who are in similar sized houses. Some friends seem to think it's a palace (and they won't be able to afford a house like it anytime soon) and others definitely have much bigger, fancier houses. It shouldn't be awkward, but it is! It's been a barrier to friendships at times, to be honest. 

[Spryte]

Oooh, backhanded compliments. My mother and stepmother are specialists in the field. One is missing a filter, I don’t think she’s malicious as much as clueless, the other — who knows? Clueless does not fit, so ??  You would look good if …Your house looks nice but you need to dust … Really any compliment is paired with an insult. 

I have spent decades trying to make sure that the same type of barbed compliments don’t come out of my mouth accidentally. Pretty they have at some point, sadly, but not intentionally. I’ve used “unique” as a positive, and never realized it could be offensive till this thread. I think I usually paired it with another positive word, and generally applied it to someone’s art work not a human, so hopefully my intentions were clear. However, won’t use it from here on.
 

 

[Brittany1116]

The problem with "unique" is that it can mean special, or it can mean odd.

[wintermom]

I have a feeling that this issue is a female thing, and that guys are not digging into the hidden nuances of compliments or even most comments. I fall into that category myself - if it was said in the spirit of a compliment, then accept it and move on. If there is something nasty about the way it was said, then move on.

I couldn't even remember any compliment I've received, and certainly not from years ago. Over the years, people have tended to think I look younger than I actually am. When I was young, it wasn't as big a thrill as it is now at age 55. I hope the trend keeps going into my 90s. 😉 

[OH_Homeschooler]

A former male coworker once told me what a fast typer I was. He never complimented the numerous reports I helped him with, the data analysis I did, or the fact that I had a PhD. 

A friend I grew up with once said she envied my ability to leave the house without caring what I looked like.

My ex-SIL eagerly grabbed a slice of pizza from the birthday party we were hosting for my kid and said, "Mmm, I haven't had cheap pizza in so long!" (It was Papa John's, which I never found to be particularly cheap, we just liked it at the time). This same person regularly referred to herself as a genuinely nice person, which is a weird thing to call yourself IMO (leave that for other people to say about you, right?). And well, I never found her particularly nice at all. 

I only wish I had good comebacks for these compliments at the time! 

 

Edited June 20, 2022 by OH_Homeschooler

[KrissiK]

On 6/18/2022 at 4:26 PM, lewelma said:

My FIL once told me that I was a "great vacuum-er." I was like, um, you kind of just go back and forth, not quite sure how you can be good or bad at it.  🤔 

 

On 6/18/2022 at 5:12 PM, kbutton said:

Lol!

I can testify that not everyone is good at it, but it is an odd comment. 

I was going to say that, too.  I know a bunch of people who can “vacuum” a room and it still looks terrible.

[shawthorne44]

On 6/19/2022 at 1:21 AM, Laura Corin said:

We were invited, along with other neighbours, to a little informal music performance at our elderly neighbour's house. I picked flowers from my garden to take - white iris, strawflower, alchemilla mollis,  pink roses - and tied it with a nice ribbon. Only one other guest bought a gift.

Me - I brought you some flowers

Her - Thank you

Me (self deprecating) - They are just from the garden

Her - It's the thought that counts.

I've never really understood how that phrase is meant to be nice - it always sounds like 'Nice try, failure' to me.

Oh, another. My favourite lecturer at university back in the 80s said I'd be beautiful if I lost weight.

 

 

 
Well to be fair you had just diminished your gift.  I better response would have been, "You are welcome."   

[Laura Corin]

11 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

 
Well to be fair you had just diminished your gift.  I better response would have been, "You are welcome."   

Diminishing is what Brits do though. When I was growing up, instead of 'You're welcome' we were taught to say 'Not at all'.  'You're welcome' is something I heard and learned to use as an adult - it still feels like an import to me. 

[Dianthus]

24 minutes ago, Laura Corin said:

Diminishing is what Brits do though. When I was growing up, instead of 'You're welcome' we were taught to say 'Not at all'.  'You're welcome' is something I heard and learned to use as an adult - it still feels like an import to me. 

I do this with compliments. When someone compliments, I should just say thank you, not contradict them. I don't know why I do this?

[crazyforlatin]

1 hour ago, Laura Corin said:

Diminishing is what Brits do though. When I was growing up, instead of 'You're welcome' we were taught to say 'Not at all'.  'You're welcome' is something I heard and learned to use as an adult - it still feels like an import to me. 

I do this all the time, diminish a compliment because everyone around me did this when I was growing up. 
 

I wish someone would give me flowers from their garden in a bouquet. To me, it takes more effort for the giver to cut and arrange them. 

[scholastica]

On 6/19/2022 at 1:08 AM, TravelingChris said:

My dh is very nice looking and is a physicist.  What an idiotic comment.

Except he’s a man. Culturally attractive men can do anything. Women, especially culturally attractive women, are not supposed to be intelligent enough to know physics. 🤬

[Ema]

My MIL once told me shortly after DH and I got married, “You have a body and you know how to use it.” I think we were clothes shopping, and in no was was I trying on ‘come-hither’ clothes, nor do I act that way. It made me feel really awkward! But she is, even to her own admission, an over-complimented who gives compliments so much they feel insincere, and often can be very odd. DH still laughs at that one.

[Cecropia]

I am guilty of doing this.  I was talking to a couple of ladies after church, and one mentioned that it was her 9xth (somewhere in the high 90's) birthday that day.  I exclaimed, "Wow, that's amazing!  Congratulations!"  They looked stricken -- it was awful.  I think my comment brought death into the conversation in an uncomfortable way.  They could never have understood that my response sprang from my own long standing health woes and anxieties.  When I have a birthday, I see it as so incredible and somewhat unexpected, despite being as (relatively) young as I am, and I have never felt in my heart that I will reach old age.  I am naturally melancholy and muse about death a lot!  I could sincerely congratulate anyone, at any age, on living another year.

[Clarita]

11 hours ago, wintermom said:

I have a feeling that this issue is a female thing, and that guys are not digging into the hidden nuances of compliments or even most comments. I fall into that category myself - if it was said in the spirit of a compliment, then accept it and move on. If there is something nasty about the way it was said, then move on.

I've seem guys hear back handed compliments and be offended as well. I definitely know my husband has taken offense to some back-handed compliments.

[J-rap]

4 hours ago, Cecropia said:

I am guilty of doing this.  I was talking to a couple of ladies after church, and one mentioned that it was her 9xth (somewhere in the high 90's) birthday that day.  I exclaimed, "Wow, that's amazing!  Congratulations!"  They looked stricken -- it was awful.  I think my comment brought death into the conversation in an uncomfortable way.  They could never have understood that my response sprang from my own long standing health woes and anxieties.  When I have a birthday, I see it as so incredible and somewhat unexpected, despite being as (relatively) young as I am, and I have never felt in my heart that I will reach old age.  I am naturally melancholy and muse about death a lot!  I could sincerely congratulate anyone, at any age, on living another year.

I would not have interpreted your comment as offensive at all!  

[J-rap]

I try and take strange compliments at face value...  I think most people mean well!

So when someone told me "You look great for someone who's clearly exhausted!" (I wasn't exhausted at all!) 😁 and another time someone told me "You look so nice, like the Easter Bunny" 😆 -- it made me smile from ear to ear because it was just so darn funny.  (I still don't know what the second compliment meant, but it was from someone in their 90's who's a very sweet person!)

I definitely think of "unique" as a compliment!