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[alisoncooks]

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Edited July 27, 2022 by alisoncooks

[regentrude]

We don't do designated "date nights". But we sometimes used to go to a concert or to the theatre (our teens usually were quite happy to stay home). For real quality time together, we go hiking/backpacking on weekends. Which is free, and allows for more connecting than attending an event would.

Edited January 4, 2021 by regentrude

[ByGrace3]

We do have regular date nights -- probably about twice a month. We would love for it to  be every week but that never happens. Sometimes it is more involved and other times its a "dash date" like the other night where we just went for a drive. We often go out to dinner, sometimes we will go somewhere where we can bring cards or games (cafe type restaurants that are not busy at night), we like going to the shooting range, planning a date to an axe throwing place soon lol. We are not super creative but my dh is not a fan of movies for date nights because you can't talk. If we want a cheaper date we might go get coffee and go for a drive or a walk. When the kids were little, we often did at home date nights after they went to bed -- coffee, games, movie, etc The important thing is to have uninterrupted time to talk and communicate. 

[QueenCat]

When our kids were teens, we went out without them. We viewed it as our time as a couple, not as "leaving them out." Couples need couple time, at least from our perspective. I never felt guilty as we did plenty with the kids too. 

[freesia]

We've done different routines at different times.  It has always been more than the 1x a year you referenced, though.   Before Covid, the kids all went to a youth group on Weds.nights and that was our date night.  We fell off of that once Covid hit.  For a while, we did "dates" driving into town to get coffee beans from the coffee shop. lol  We just had our anniversary date of dinner, looking at scrapbooks and Scrabble the other night in his office at church.  That was fun.

We also do different things. Sometimes we do day hikes.  We have gotten a few of the subscription Date night boxes.  I want to do a month of swing dancing after Covid.  Occasionally we have watched movies.  Dh has a book of date night ideas. He also has one of those books of questions that we will take to a coffee shop (pre-covid).  Looking at photo albums is fun,  board games, back rubs, movies, hikes, 3-d jigsaw puzzle, coffee.

For a little more money, once we got a hotel off priceline about 20 minutes from home and went away.  But we had an 18 year old at home at the time.

I have been where you are at times about it feeling like one more thing, though.  But I think it is really important.  I know you feel badly about excluding the teens, but I think it is really good for them for you to have a special relationship with your dh. 

[TheReader]

We've never been regular about it, but have done them at different times/seasons. For ex, when our 2 older boys were both living at college, and just youngest was home, we used his youth group night as a date night for us. Sometimes it would be dinner, sometimes leisurely shopping/window shopping, sometimes coffee or dessert. 

A lot of times our "date night" consists of just grocery shopping together, turning a chore into an outing. Or maybe we'd go browse a bookstore, things like that. ooh, or the plant nursery/garden store. That's a favorite.

We do make plenty of time for intentional time together, though, whether "date night" or otherwise. So, while DH was on vacation, I went fishing with him. Meaning, I went and sat in a chair on the pier, with a blanket and my coffee and snacks, and took pictures of the birds while he fished, but we visited/talked/just hung out together. Which was nice. 

Or, we pick a TV series to watch together, that we can watch/talk through together. 

We try to both be in the kitchen area while whoever is cooking, cooks. We have a bar at the kitchen sink, so one cooks, one sits and chats. We flip-flop on who does what. 

If he's out in the yard doing garden stuff, I come sit in the sun and help him think through what to plant, where, how to arrange things, future plans for the back yard, etc.  If I'm between quilting projects, he'll come hang out in my sewing room while I clean/organize, help me think through what to keep/what to toss, where to put different things, future plans for my sewing room (how to improve my design wall, for starters...). In the mornings on weekends, before the kids are up, he likes to play Call of Duty; I'll take my laptop up there and veg out so we can chat between times. 

If we go on a date/outing we think the teens would enjoy, we make plans to take them to that same place on a future outing, or bring home a treat from it for them. We do a lot of things early morning, though, as they all tend to sleep late on weekends (DH and the boys stay up late on Fridays playing video games, so Saturday morning "dates" work really well for us, as we know we can go and do, but be home before/shortly after they wake up). 

we neglected this in our lives for a long time, and came to seriously regret it; we prioritize it now, even though it doesn't end up as an official weekly "date night" or anything. 

 

[gardenmom5]

we've tried.  we both get so busy, we have to actually put it on a calendar.  despite being married for 38 years - this is something we still really have to make a priority or it doesn't happen.     we made a list of ideas (which I want to put onto slips of paper and put in a big jar for us to pull out an idea of what to do.)  It is nice we don't have to get a babysitter anymore. . . .

 

we've done some things even with covid - a scenic drive, yesterday we drove out to our local waterfall while the river is high, grab take out (we take turns choosing).   watch a movie or tv show (we like documentaries, not many actual tv shows interest either one of us.)  but we're spending time together, at least for a brief period instead of off doing our own thing.

some things are weather dependent, others money (or not).  somethings are all day, others are just an hour or two.

one silly thing we've done is take a ferry to the san juan islands - for lunch (we walked on, no car).  

 

eta: sometimes just going to costco was our "date".  wandering around, not just go in get what is on the list and done.  (which is how dh normally shops at costco.)

and 'cause dh lives by his phone for work - he has to turn it off.

Edited January 4, 2021 by gardenmom5

[JustEm]

Out date nights are sometime in the house and sometimes out of the house.  Indoor date nights are playing a board game by ourselves, watching a movie, doing a puzzle, reading and drinking coffee in front of the fireplace , having a fire in the fire pit after kids are in bed or telling older kids that this is our time together so to respect that, cooking or baking a favorite together, and a bunch of other things.  The key to indoor things is to let the kids know in advance that during these hours mom and dad are spending quality time together so please respect that and don't interrupt unless it is important.

Outside the house date nights: going to  a bookstore and getting a coffee and read separately but together, going for a walk/hike and talking, browsing Goodwill together to find things to go with our murder mysteries we host, going to free community events, movies very rarely(once a year.) that is all i can think of at the moment.

[Clemsondana]

We rarely/never did a 'going out' date night when the kids were little. But, once they got past the baby years they were in bed by 8 so daily time together (talkng, a TV show or movie, etc) was not a problem and sometimes we'd wait and eat together once they were in bed (occasionally carryout, usually just homemade stuff).  Now that they are older, they don't go to bed early and it's become an issue because for one of them, if they are awake they want to be where the adults are, talking.  We had reached the point where we sometimes ran errands together or occasionally left the kids home and went out to eat without them - it's also easy to justify if we feed kids early and then each drop one off at a practice and then we meet to eat.  🙂 

This has gotten harder with the pandemic.  Things are fairly open in our area, but we have chosen to invest our 'family risk' in letting the kids participate in their activities so spouse and I aren't doing anything that adds more exposure other than necessary errands.  We are struggling with how to make this work.  We've tried going for walks during the day, but if we don't leave the property (we live on a couple of acres and have lots of room to walk) then the kid who wants to talk comes and asks questions every 5 minutes (Can I have a snack?  What time is dinner?).  We'd be fine occasionally telling one of our kids to be somewhere other than the living room by 8 and they'd happily eat early and then go shower and read in their room, but the other would need something every few minutes - a question, a snack, a book that's in the other room...and they drag out bedtime until slightly before we go to bed.  They are both out of elementary school, and we are looking forward to being able to go elsewhere more when the virus clears up or it gets warm enough that we don't mind driving somewhere nearby to be outside. 

[rebcoola]

Not always but yeah we try to have regular date nights.  When the big girls.were younger we'd go out when they both had activities.  Or we would drop them off at open gym for a couple hours.   Now we can just leave them at home.  The kids have never been upset about being left out more excited to have the tv to themselves.   It doesn't have to be expensive.

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, alisoncooks said:

I'm sure he wants to connect more
What kind of connecting does he have in mind?  Talking about thoughts, feelings, ideas, your future, etc?

There are books and card packages that are specifically geared to that for couples.  Here's an example:https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B078WY4S95/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Does he mean working alongside each other?  Is there a goal or project of some kind he'd like to brainstorm, strategize, plan, and execute with you?

Does he mean spending time in a leisurely way? What kinds of activities does he enjoy or does he think he might enjoy doing with you?


but I:  1)cringe at spending the extra money 
If you google keywords like minimalism, frugal living, debt free, and retire early, you'll find plenty of free/very low cost activity ideas for individuals, couples, and families. Sometimes they include low cost investments in say, used bikes and vehicle bike rack so they can enjoy years of free-after-the-initial-investment bike riding.

2)feel bad excluding our teens from outings they'd also enjoy. 
It's not all or nothing. Just because someone would enjoy something you're doing, doesn't they should get an invitation to join you every time.  I repeat, everyone does not get an invitation to everything. That's not mean, exclusive, cliquish, rude, or thoughtless.  That's a reality to be respected and applied.  If the teens would also enjoy an activity you'd like to do as a couple, plan to do it twice-once without them and the second time with them.

 I don't want dates to be food-focused because we both struggle with our weight.
This could be an opportunity to choose activities that are part of a healthier lifestyle. It's usually much easier to have someone making changes and sustaining changes with you as you help each other get to a shared goal.

To answer the question, our date nights have been meals, movies, gardening, walks in the woods, seeing local sights, etc. On Valentine's Day last year we planted bare root fruit trees and berry bushes for our permaculture food forest we're growing. It was one of our favorite dates. We also have an ornamental woodland garden we work in together, often at times that would've been a date because the kid isn't around, but we do what we love to do that brings us closer together and we count it as a date.

Sometimes we read the same books and talk about them (sometimes the same books our adult children and teens are reading with us and sometimes just books between us) and have "our" shows that we watch together that include shared interests between us: sci-fi, fantasy, gardening, farming, comedies, dramas,etc.

We have movies and tv shows we watch as a family too, but not everything overlaps.  Often we'll watch something, like it, discuss it, and think our kid at home (and sometimes our married adult kids not at home) would enjoy it, so we'll rewatch it with teen so she can be in on discussions.  The adult kids will watch on their own and discuss with us when we visit.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes, we have regular dates...not quite weekly, but a few times a month.

Last week, dh and I went to the beach and ordered some takeout clam chowder. We sat in our vehicle and watched the waves roll in and talked for a couple of hours. This past year we've gone on a lot of hikes and drives.  In previous years we've gone to Shakespeare in the park (free) and done other low cost things.

Our kids like it when we go out---usually they eat pizza and play video games together.  When our kids were younger, they had a weekly evening with their grandparents.  

It's super easy for kids and life to drive a wedge between spouses.  Staying connected and making each other a priority is so important. Kids move out--all too soon--your partner should be a priority in your life. I kind of cringe to hear you don't want to spend money on dating---it sounds like your husband isn't worth spending the money. Even if finances are tight, I'd try reframing that---"Let's find some low cost options so our budget isn't strained" or "How could we reprioritize our budget to make room for date night?"

 

[Melissa in Australia]

A year ago I got to take DH to the ER at a hospital 100 km away. We got to sit in the waiting room  close together for an hour holding hands kid free. 

I count it as a date

 

4 years ago we were kid free for 30 hours to go to oldest son graduation ceremony. I count that as well. 

[Carrie12345]

We never really got into a long-term routine. When the kids were little and dh worked much crazier hours, it wasn’t a financial or time sensible option.
We did start to do more things though, when the kids could be home alone and we had some more money. No specific “type” of date, just whatever we’d come up with here and there.

I feel zero guilt about doing things without my kids. They had plenty of their own hobbies and activities (pre-COVID.) We’re allowed to be just a couple now and then!

[1234]

We would make sure to have time out together once or twice a month when dc were little. Once they were teens, it was easier to come and go as we wanted so there was never anything scheduled. We’ve always spent a lot of time together though so scheduling in a date has rarely seemed necessary.

When dc were little, we made sure they were in bed by 8 so dh and I could have a few hours every night to hang out. When they were teens, we would often meet for lunch near dh’s work and we usually always would go out for breakfast on Saturday mornings and walk around downtown. Now, dc are in college and dh has been working from home for five years so we’re honestly together all the time. Thankfully, we’ve really been enjoying it.

[Kassia]

52 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

A year ago I got to take DH to the ER at a hospital 100 km away. We got to sit in the waiting room  close together for an hour holding hands kid free. 

I count it as a date

 

4 years ago we were kid free for 30 hours to go to oldest son graduation ceremony. I count that as well. 

This is what our date nights look like.  We used to go for our yearly flu shot together and counted that as a date, but now we go separately.  I used to push DH harder for us to get out and we'd go hiking, to the theater, to a museum, etc.  Those were really fun and we need to do more of those things.  We just started watching tv series together (neither of us watch tv) and found some stand up comedy on youtube that we both enjoy.  

Edited January 4, 2021 by Kassia

[fairfarmhand]

You seem like you don't understand his desire for this connection?

I've had to think of it like this:

Everyone changes over the years. Everyone. Life has a way of doing that to us, whether we like it or not. Just think about the person you were when you first had kids, and consider who you are now. I bet there is a big difference. (Incidentally, I cringe at many of the things I wrote online about homeschooling now that I have older teens. I've changed quite a bit. And that's just in homeschooling) And often, it happens so incrementally, that the people in the marriage have no idea that it's occurring. Staying connected as a spouse means so much more than just catching up on what happened at the office. It's about staying in touch with how the other is shifting over the course of their lives. 

In fact, its tougher now because the kids are older. When they were all small, they would go to bed earlier, and we connected after they were asleep. We could have conversations about stuff the kids paid no attention to, but now they listen with wide eyes and want to provide commentary. If we don't make focused alone time together a priority, it doesn't happen because I have 1 adult kid at home with 2 teens. 

If I would spend $x per month on my kids' music lessons, why on earth wouldn't I add a budget item for our marriage building? This doesn't have to be much money. Hiking and biking are free, other than gear and gas to get where you want to go. A walk around the neighborhood several times a week costs nothing. Drive around and check out scenery. Window shop in antique stores and flea markets. Maintain a garden together. The nice thing about having teens is that you don't have to pay for a babysitter. 

You don't want to wake up one day to find that you've shifted to roommate status. And it's really really great for teens to see that good marriages take work between the two parents. They won't suffer for not being included. At least in our family, we do lots of fun stuff with the kids, so we can do some stuff on our own as well. I'm sure your kids don't feel guilty about doing fun activities without you along. And you don't want them to feel that way. They can learn that adults like to do stuff without kids too,

 

Edited January 5, 2021 by fairfarmhand

[Bootsie]

DH and I have never done the once-per-week date night with movie and dinner.  At many times in our lives that would have created more stress.  Find a babysitter, make sure the babysitter doesn't cancel, make sure the kids don't get sick, feed the kids early, find a movie that we actually want to see, make sure that dinner is scheduled at the right time to make the movie...

We have spent time together throughout our marriage, but it has looked different at different times.  DH and I worked together during the early years of our marriage.  Time together may have been going to lunch together, sharing a coffee break, or driving together to pick the kids up at school.  At one point when the work situation was extremely stressful, we had to intentionally plan at least 45 minutes per week when we were together that we would NOT mention anything about work.  We switched off each week who had to come up with a plan--it might be take a sandwich to the park for lunch, take a walk together, play a game of chess, browse the local nursery learning more about plants, going to the bookstore and browsing the travel section--not necessarily things that involved spending money.  

We have preferred to let our interests dictate outings and spending resources.  There may be a month in which there is a ballet I really want to see, a museum exhibit DH really wants to see, a movie we both are eager to see, etc.  Other months, we aren't going to pay to go to a movie just because we have a date night scheduled.   

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

DH and I have never done the once-per-week date night with movie and dinner.  At many times in our lives that would have created more stress.  Find a babysitter, make sure the babysitter doesn't cancel, make sure the kids don't get sick, feed the kids early, find a movie that we actually want to see, make sure that dinner is scheduled at the right time to make the movie...

We have spent time together throughout our marriage, but it has looked different at different times.  DH and I worked together during the early years of our marriage.  Time together may have been going to lunch together, sharing a coffee break, or driving together to pick the kids up at school.  At one point when the work situation was extremely stressful, we had to intentionally plan at least 45 minutes per week when we were together that we would NOT mention anything about work.  We switched off each week who had to come up with a plan--it might be take a sandwich to the park for lunch, take a walk together, play a game of chess, browse the local nursery learning more about plants, going to the bookstore and browsing the travel section--not necessarily things that involved spending money.  

We have preferred to let our interests dictate outings and spending resources.  There may be a month in which there is a ballet I really want to see, a museum exhibit DH really wants to see, a movie we both are eager to see, etc.  Other months, we aren't going to pay to go to a movie just because we have a date night scheduled.   

Yes, I don't think that there is necessarily a prescribed timing that date night needs to reoccur. I think it just needs to be enough so that both spouses really feel connected and attached to one another. 

[Loowit]

We have a date night once a week.  We started this when we were fist married, way before kids.  It isn't necessarily time to do something and spend money, but time to spend together to make sure we are connecting.

Some of the cheaper things we have done are going on hikes, taking a drive, going somewhere to take pictures together (the cameras were not cheap, but after the initial expense it is pretty cheap)...

When our kids were little and we couldn't do babysitters we would play games together.  Right now due to restrictions we have been doing dinner at home together, either take-out or cooking together in the kitchen, and then talking, playing games, or watching a show together while cuddling in the couch.  A few times, pre-covid, we gave our kids some money and sent them out for dinner and a movie and we stayed home and just hang out together.

[happi duck]

We have scheduled time once a week to talk.  We usually stay home in our room.

In the before times we also would go to a coffee shop or go for a walk in a beautiful park a couple times a month.

We sometimes watch a show or movie together but that's harder to orchestrate.

[Garga]

We used to go to the local hole-in-the-wall Chinese restaurant every Wednesday night and eat a bowl of soup with water (so it was super cheap).  But now with Covid, we bring our soup home to eat. We tried eating it in the car and that didn’t work out real well and we were in constant terror of spilling boiling soup on ourselves.

But when we bring our soup home to eat, we end up being interrupted or eating it quickly and then going our separate ways in the house.

So now, sometimes we go to the Chinese restaurant farther away so that we have time together alone in the car. It’s about a 35 minute round trip in the car, and we don’t order until we get there, so there’s another 10 minutes sitting in the parking lot waiting for the soup to be ready.

I have to say that at first I was resistant to the idea of date night, but that’s because we were in a weird place in our marriage. But date night was a good thing to do, because it helped us to get past that weird place faster than it might have otherwise.

If it’s not a food thing, then maybe you can run a special errand together?  Go to the pet store in the next town over to buy cat food together? Or just take a half-hour Sunday drive?

Edited January 4, 2021 by Garga

[QueenCat]

1 hour ago, Joker2 said:

We would make sure to have time out together once or twice a month when dc were little. Once they were teens, it was easier to come and go as we wanted so there was never anything scheduled. We’ve always spent a lot of time together though so scheduling in a date has rarely seemed necessary.

 

I loved it when we got to the point where we could leave the kids at home alone. It was fun to decide on the spur of the moment that we were going out.

[Excelsior! Academy]

Dh had regular date nights until 2020.  We would go to dinner and a movie or do a pre-prepped box from a date box subscription service.  We've done everything from bowling to rock climbing to escape rooms.  Occasionally we would get take out and just watch a movie or play a game in our bedroom while the kids had pizza and their own movies and games downstairs.  

Funny story...When our son was really young somehow some date nights got called adventures.  I'm sure why. One night dh and I planned to have a date night in our bedroom with takeout and a movie while our older teens agreed to babysit and had pizza and a movie with their younger siblings downstairs.  Our (very, very young at the time) son was on the phone with a relative while we were in the planning stages for our date night.  He told said relative that Dh and I had planned an upstairs adventure that night.  The name stuck and some of the kids still call our at home date nights upstairs adventures.  

[Garga]

@fairfarmhand I posted before reading your post, but yup.

My dh got his master’s degree and the only thing (the ONLY thing) we did together for 4 years was watch Doctor Who once a week.  But there were many weeks that he literally didn’t have the 45 minutes for me to watch it with him. (Nonstop studying)

Wow, did we ever grow apart in that time! 

For the first 2 or 3 months of soup night at the Chinese restaurant we just kinda sat there and talked about the weather.

It took time, but we started actually connecting again. I’m really glad he suggested it. Really glad.

Edited January 4, 2021 by Garga

[freesia]

2 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

A year ago I got to take DH to the ER at a hospital 100 km away. We got to sit in the waiting room  close together for an hour holding hands kid free. 

I count it as a date

 

4 years ago we were kid free for 30 hours to go to oldest son graduation ceremony. I count that as well. 

I have to laugh at this.  My above referenced "dates" to pick up coffee beans (and I forgot to reference drinking lattes in our car) were not considered dates by my dh. I said, honey, we were together alone.  It's a date! (Particularly during Covid restrictions when everyone was home ALL the time!)  I think I'll tell him that you had a date to the ER.  It will put the bean trips in a whole new light! 🙂

[Arcadia]

My kids weekly tennis lessons are still taking place so we have couple time while they are in class. 
My husband drives me to all my medical appointments and pre-COVID he would accompany me. Now he waits in the car. 

[freesia]

You might also want to think about why you don't want to have the regular dates.  Sometimes I've not wanted to bc my dh is deeper than me and likes deep conversation and, when I'm tired, I just can't.  That's where the book of date ideas and conversation starters helped. I would just communicate that I needed a lighter time together.

Sometimes I am just tired--we save movies or hikes where I don't have to think or respond much for that.  If I am regularly too tired, I try to communicate that and he tries to help out more with the things around the house that are primarily my responsibility.

[Lecka]

We go out just the two of us all the time, and have ever since the kids could be left alone.

We need it.

We do not seem to be able to talk at home without either interruption or one of us noticing or thinking of a chore.  

We almost always go to Wal-Mart together on Saturdays.

Lately we have been going out together for drinks from Sonic, that has been a nice treat during the pandemic.  We do this 1-2 times a week.

I think we are both kind-of high-maintenance people who really need this time together.  

We don’t “do” a lot with our kids, but we spend a LOT of time with them.  A LOT.  We are hanging around with them all the time.  Especially with one son.

I have a Saturday morning routine with my daughter where I take her to a lesson, and then we eat together, and it’s a long enough drive that we have a long time to talk.  
 

My husband spends time with our other son when they talk together.  
 

We have a variety of needs for 1:1 time.  
 

My husband and I’s 1:1 time is pretty high up there.  We need it.  

Edit:  we are both people who will get jealous and he will say I talk to my mom or sisters more than to him, and I will get jealous if I think he’s talking to people at work more than to me.  So it’s like — we had better talk to each other or we will be talking to someone else!  We are both like that.  
 

I mean — if it’s like, we don’t have anything to talk about to each other, but plenty to talk about to other people.  That will make either of us very put out.  

Edited January 4, 2021 by Lecka

[Jean in Newcastle]

There were some logistical reasons with special needs kids why we weren't able to have very many date nights when the kids were alone.  We also didn't have reliable babysitters who could handle the special needs.  But we would still do things like go walking as a family but for a portion of the walk the kids were told to go on ahead of us so that we could talk just the two of us.  Or we would carve out time to be alone after the kids were in bed. 

[Ausmumof3]

13 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

A year ago I got to take DH to the ER at a hospital 100 km away. We got to sit in the waiting room  close together for an hour holding hands kid free. 

I count it as a date

 

4 years ago we were kid free for 30 hours to go to oldest son graduation ceremony. I count that as well. 

I think this is a farm thing right?  Date night is doing farm jobs together or something!  

[J-rap]

If it was important to my dh to have an official weekly date night, I'd do everything possible to make it work.  Of course that's harder to do with really young children, but once they're middle school age and up, it can certainly happen.  It can happen before then too -- but then maybe it happens at home after the kids are in bed.

For us -- when our kids were home still, we didn't have an official "date night," but we took time several nights/week to just sit together after the kids were in bed, and talk.  We'd make a cup of tea or coffee and just catch up with each other.  We're generally both up late, so it was pretty easy to do that.  Probably once/week, we'd watch a movie together when all the kids were in bed.  But what we loved most of all was just talking together.  Maybe once/month, we'd go out for dinner -- sometimes with another couple, sometimes alone.  

Other things we've enjoyed doing that might work for you:  Picking up coffee from a favorite coffee spot and going for a drive.  (We'd do that in daylight, not in the dark.)  If restaurants are open, we might go to a coffeeshop and just sit for two hours with a coffee and a cup of soup or a shared muffin.  We enjoy going to movies together, local concerts...  Even just running errands together, going to the library together, etc. -- without kids, can feel special.  Most times when we go out, a coffee stop is involved.  :))  We also enjoy taking walks together.  In the summertime, those walks might involve ending up at a spot where we can sit and have a drink.

I don't think you have to worry about your teens feeling left out.  They'll be seeing a good example of a loving couple wanting to spend time alone together.

 

 

 

[marbel]

We have had date nights off and on. Right now our dates mostly consist of walking, either in our neighborhood or nearby parks. If we want to go someplace new and interesting we would offer it as a family event, though the kids would not always want to go. Or, if we wanted to go someplace that might be interesting to them, we'd tell them we were going to check it out and then go back with them if it was good. For my teens at least, that wasn't a big deal. Kids old enough to stay home alone don't have to go everywhere their parents do, and often they would be rather stay home without the parents. 

We'd also go out for coffee and honestly that was good for me at times because it forced conversation. I go through periods where I don't want to connect, sort of get in a "leave me alone" mood, which is not good for long-term relationships. Though I also enjoy sitting together reading our separate books, maybe occasionally reading a bit to the other. 

It seems like every now and then I read how crucial date nights are for couples, but I really think that depends on the people and I think making it a weekly "must do" can also be harmful as it adds pressure. The important thing is nurturing the relationship and there are ways to do that that don't involve a date. 

Oh, but I also second the garden store - we have had some fun times perusing plants and talking about where we'd put what - not that we ever end up doing much of it! 

Edited January 5, 2021 by marbel

[ByGrace3]

On 1/4/2021 at 12:25 PM, alisoncooks said:

DH has expressed a desire for a date night.  We've been married 20+ years, and it's never been a regular thing (maybe 1x/yr, when the kids are at camp).  I'm sure he wants to connect more, but I:  1)cringe at spending the extra money and 2)feel bad excluding our teens from outings they'd also enjoy. 

I didn't address this with my first response.  My husband is a licensed mental health counselor and spends all day every day trying to piece back the broken pieces of failed marriages. Our marriage is TOP priority to him. Your kids are teens. . . only a few more years in your home and then it is just you and him. That has always been on the forefront of my mind -- perhaps because my dh has made sure it stays there lol. You have your kids in your home for a short time of your marriage. One day they move out . . . be sure there is a strong foundation there. So many couples spend so much time focused on the raising of their kids to the neglect of their marriage, that when their kids move out they look at each other and barely recognize who the other partner is anymore. Regular intentional time together to connect and communicate make sure this doesn't happen. 

I do get the struggle -- sometimes I feel guilty doing something without my kids -- but I spend every day all day with my kids -- teaching them, driving them, loving them -- they definitely get most of me. I can and should spend a few hours a week focused just on my husband -- he deserves that. I remember our days back when we were broke and in seminary. Our dates were Taco Bell and Barnes and Noble where we could walk around and read books and magazines and then put them back on the shelf. A drive to the lake to talk . . . A bike ride or a hike. It really isn't about WHAT you do, it is about doing it together. 

I think it is a foreign concept at this point for you, but once you get started you will wonder why you waited! 

[Kassia]

30 minutes ago, ByGrace3 said:

I didn't address this with my first response.  My husband is a licensed mental health counselor and spends all day every day trying to piece back the broken pieces of failed marriages. Our marriage is TOP priority to him. Your kids are teens. . . only a few more years in your home and then it is just you and him. That has always been on the forefront of my mind -- perhaps because my dh has made sure it stays there lol. You have your kids in your home for a short time of your marriage. One day they move out . . . be sure there is a strong foundation there. So many couples spend so much time focused on the raising of their kids to the neglect of their marriage, that when their kids move out they look at each other and barely recognize who the other partner is anymore. Regular intentional time together to connect and communicate make sure this doesn't happen. 

I do get the struggle -- sometimes I feel guilty doing something without my kids -- but I spend every day all day with my kids -- teaching them, driving them, loving them -- they definitely get most of me. I can and should spend a few hours a week focused just on my husband -- he deserves that. I remember our days back when we were broke and in seminary. Our dates were Taco Bell and Barnes and Noble where we could walk around and read books and magazines and then put them back on the shelf. A drive to the lake to talk . . . A bike ride or a hike. It really isn't about WHAT you do, it is about doing it together. 

I think it is a foreign concept at this point for you, but once you get started you will wonder why you waited! 

I agree with this except for the part about having kids in your home for a short time of your marriage.  I think that depends on how many kids you have and the age gap.  We've been married for almost 34 years and have had kids home for 30 years.  That's a long time!  When we have an empty nest I think it will be a huge adjustment for us since we have made the kids our first priority and let our relationship as a couple slide.  We have done very few dates in the past and they were always great experiences - theater, museums, hiking, snowshoeing, eating, just going for a walk, etc.  

 

[City Mouse]

We did not do much of anything just us when the kids were young enough to need to have someone babysit. We might go to special events 1 or 2 times a year. 
When the kids were old enough to be left without an adult, DH and I did start to do things without the kids, although we did not have “date night”. Mostly we would run errands together at time, go shopping etc. The older the kids got, the more/longer we would be gone. Mostly we go on long drives together. That is when we have the best opportunity to talk without distractions. Sometimes the drives have an end goal of a specific place to go, but sometimes the drive is the goal. 
This works for us because we live in the middle of nowhere now. It is over 2 hrs drive to Home Depot or Target. Sometimes we will go out to eat as part of the drive, but other times I will pack food to eat in the car.(I too struggle with weight and food issues). 

[BlsdMama]

On 1/4/2021 at 11:25 AM, alisoncooks said:

*The most recent thread with this topic seems to be around 2012, so I was curious about current opinion. I'm not asking about covid-impacting date nights; I'm asking what you do in "normal" times.*

DH has expressed a desire for a date night.  We've been married 20+ years, and it's never been a regular thing (maybe 1x/yr, when the kids are at camp).  I'm sure he wants to connect more, but I:  1)cringe at spending the extra money and 2)feel bad excluding our teens from outings they'd also enjoy. 

So, I guess I want to know what others do (aside from make tea) for date night.  I don't want dates to be food-focused because we both struggle with our weight. I don't want to spend $$, so I'm struggling to work up the proper enthusiasm for his request. 

What do you do?

Does Costco count? What if we get coffee and do Costco?

I feel zero guilt for time without teens. Why? Because while my relationship with them is important and I want them to feel loved and a priority, do I not also want this for and with my husband? Your husband is saying, “Hey, I want us to make our relationship and one another a priority. This is important to me.” Do it. 😉 

DH and I play a boardgame, with coffee, with one another and we exclude the kids. We used to do it daily but now it’s mostly on weekends lately. (Different job, not sleeping as well lately, trying to create new routines...)

We do go out to eat often-ish for us - usually 2-3 times a month. Nothing fancy, but we both love Asian and Mexican food. 
 

Trail date? Park date? Activity? Gym? Bookstore? Coffee shop? These are all suggestions. Any place where you can intentionally carve out 1-2 hours to connect over something enjoyable alone is a date. 

[Tina]

http://thedatingdivas.com  has lots of ideas in all price ranges.  Many ideas to get started !  Cutsie printables, too, if you want them.

 

Edited January 7, 2021 by Tina

[HS Mom in NC]

Beware of Western culture's delusion that you have to prioritize one relationship (spouse) over another (kids.) Instead, remember there's no valid reason not to see them as equally important while at the same time seeing that they're different and often separate.   It's like being a Christian-there's no valid reason to put our relationship with God the Father over God the Son or God the Holy Spirit.  They're all equally important and deserve equal attention and relationship even though they are each different from each other.  Hierarchical  thinking is appropriate at times, but not in this context. Your children will only be with you a short time is a reason to prioritize them equally with your spouse because they'll be gone so soon and then that window will close, and you should prioritize your spouse equally because that's who you're with your entire marriage, even after the kids are launched.

[Bootsie]

As far as leaving the children out, I think that can look like and mean a lot of different things.  I don't think that if I spend time with DH that I am taking something away from my children. They have their own lives and interests (even when they were younger).  I don't feel like if I spend time with one child that it is leaving the other child out, and I don't feel that way about my spouse either.  

I would not have been comfortable, however, doing something with DH that I knew the kids really wanted to do if that meant they would not be able to do it.  For example, DH and I would not go to a play that we knew that DD was really wanting to go to for a date night and say that she could not come along or that there wasn't then enough money in the budget for her to go another time.  That, to me, would be like having a party that you talk about in front of someone who is not invited.  

[Tina]

delete

Edited January 7, 2021 by Tina
hadn't read it slow enough to absorb--sorry!

[Bootsie]

1 minute ago, Choirfarm3 said:

No. No. No. No. No.

If you prioritize your children over your spouse. There will not be a marriage left. My husband said, "We have plenty of time after the children are gone." No, you don't. You will not have a relationship left. My husband has apologized to me many times and acknowledges that was a huge mistake. That is why there are so many divorces when the kids leave. There is no marriage left. You MUST tend it.

But the poster was not suggesting prioritizing children over spouse,  The relationships are different and need to be tended to in different ways.  I don't prioritize my relationship with one child over another child--but each child has different needs and each relationship has different needs at different points in time.   Personally, I would have a very difficult time if DH told me that I needed to prioritize my relationship with him over the kids; I will listen if he says that he feels like I am prioritizing the kids over him.  

[HS Mom in NC]

47 minutes ago, Choirfarm3 said:

No. No. No. No. No.

If you prioritize your children over your spouse. There will not be a marriage left. My husband said, "We have plenty of time after the children are gone." No, you don't. You will not have a relationship left. My husband has apologized to me many times and acknowledges that was a huge mistake. That is why there are so many divorces when the kids leave. There is no marriage left. You MUST tend it.

You clearly missed the multiple times I used the work equal and specified they were an equal priority,  and the example I gave about equal.  I wonder how that's possible.  If you'd like to explain how something like that  happened, I'm all ears.

[HS Mom in NC]

43 minutes ago, Tina said:

You are also showing your kids what a healthy marriage looks like.  How important your spouse is to you, and that you consider the vow and commitment you made important.  How do you want them to view marriage?

You clearly didn't ready my post too, or you read it and ignored what it said. Surely there's a reason you did that. 

[Tina]

34 minutes ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

You clearly didn't ready my post too, or you read it and ignored what it said. Surely there's a reason you did that. 

I guess I read it over too quickly.  Sorry.  I am at work and glancing in here.  Will go delete.  

[Momto6inIN]

Sometimes we do a couch date - we send the kids up to the playroom with a movie and we sit on the couch and drink wine and talk.

[katilac]

On 1/4/2021 at 11:25 AM, alisoncooks said:

 2)feel bad excluding our teens from outings they'd also enjoy. 

 

Do you feel left out and excluded when your teens go off with their friends? 

Regarding the money: you can do many inexpensive things, but also remember that date night is considerably cheaper than marriage counseling. If it's something that worries you, look over the finances together and decide on a rough budget. Then, as long as you're staying within that overall budget, don't worry about each particular expenditure. 

Has dh said anything about what date night might look like to him? I'd start there, and work hard on not shooting down all of his ideas because of money and such. Let him just express what he wants, the details can come later. 

When my kids were little, yes, we were all about the bookstore coffee dates and such. You do what you can! And we still enjoy that. But your kids don't need babysitters, and you can be a bit more adventurous. It's hard to recommend specifics, because everyone enjoys different things, but something as simple as a walking or nature trail is doable even in the pandemic, and gives you time alone. You may not want food-focused all the time, but it's actually one of the few things we can do pretty safely here (because there are places with amply distanced outdoor seating and good protocols). You can go for just a coffee, cocktail, or appetizer sometimes. The other advantage of a restaurant date is that I'm going to dress up more for it, give it more of a sense of occasion. Just to clarify, "dress up more" means a nice shirt and actual pants, maybe a lil makeup 😄 (I work from home and I work with a lot of teens, so my daily wear is pretty slack).

Doing lunch and happy hour versus dinner can make going out pretty inexpensive. Some of our local happy hours include appetizers and such (and yeah, you don't want food-focused, but it could be an occasional treat, or you could suss out places that have decently healthy options). 

Liking the outdoors is a big advantage during Covid for sure, but you don't need to be all athletic about it if that's not your jam. Bird watching or a general nature journal would give a sense of purpose and something to converse about, and most places have a decent number of places to walk. If your area doesn't really have walking or nature trails, try urban hiking instead. That link gives ambitious examples, but there's no reason you couldn't make it more leisurely if that's your preference. 

If your house has enough room, date night can happen at home even when the kids are there. They are old enough to not interrupt, and they can have their own movie/games/snacks in one area, while you guys have yours 'alone' elsewhere in the house. Of course, when you can get them out of the house, date night often has a better ending. 

Look up your city/area on the internet. What do they promote to tourists and visitors? You may discover new things! 

You wanted ideas, but also don't think you need to do all of the planning. When he suggests date night, say "sure, tell me when and what to wear." 

 

[alisoncooks]

😉

Edited July 27, 2022 by alisoncooks

[katilac]

As far as moving forward, I do think it really might help to put the onus on him for planning date night. Not in a negative way, just not adding something to YOUR plate and mental energy. Set a budget if that's stressful for you, and then let him have at it. 

[Bootsie]

It might help to ask him what he considers a date night to be.  Some couples want/need alone time for serious talks and discussions.  Other couples need time for fun and nothing serious.  It could be that your husband is wanting you to have some fun/enjoyment after all you have done.  The types of things to plan would be different in the different situations.  There have been times in our marriage when DH or I (or both) just needed some time to relax and have fun--then visiting another couple, going to a movie, or playing a game of ping pong might be good.  If we needed serious talk time, it would look very different.