Now, my mom......

[DawnM]

Thanks to all of you who commented and helped me think through my mom's health issues. 

 

 

Edited December 16, 2019 by DawnM

[alisoncooks]

I suppose the thing you need to determine is: if you don't see your mom before she passes away, would you be at peace with that?

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

I suppose the thing you need to determine is: if you don't see your mom before she passes away, would you be at peace with that?

 

honestly, I am not sure.  If I KNEW she was dying in the next month or two, I would rush out there, but part of me feels like this is the girl who cried wolf and I have gone out multiple times in the last few years, only to have her still here, years later.  This time it does feel more like it is near the end, but she may still be here months from now, because without tests run, we have no way to know what exactly is going on.

It is so frustrating to me. 

I have thought she may have had cancer for the last couple of years, but again, with her refusing tests, it is so hard to know.

[marbel]

((Dawn))  No words of wisdom for you; it is a tough call to make. Just wanted to send you a virtual hug. I tend to agree with Alison but I also get what you are saying. I don't think you can ever be sure of how you'll react and feel later. 

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[regentrude]

I am sorry. This is tough. Hugs.

Would you regret having gone to see her if it turns out she is NOT dying? Would you regret NOT having gone to see her and she is indeed dying? Do you like seeing her?

I can understand her desire not to undergo testing. That must be hard for the family, but I can see where she is coming from. I'd rather die earlier in my home, than a little later with massive medical intervention in a hospital.

Edited December 15, 2019 by regentrude

[barnwife]

14 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am sorry. This is tough. Hugs.

Would you regret having gone to see her if it turns out she is NOT dying? Would you regret NOT having gone to see her and she is indeed dying? Do you like seeing her?

I can understand her desire not to undergo testing. That must be hard for the family, but I can see where she is coming from. I'd rather die earlier in my home, than a little later with massive medical intervention in a hospital.

This sums up my thoughts perfectly. It's extra hard because there is no right answer. What one person would regret, another would not.

I am so sorry you've had a hard few months and this has been added to your plate.

[DawnM]

16 minutes ago, myblessings4 said:

I'm so sorry, Dawn.  Those are tough calls to make, no matter what, and with all you have had over the last few months, that would be worse.  We had to decide recently whether to make that trip of 1300 miles each way, for those reasons.  We did it and we're glad we did, but we hadn't had other things happen for months before the trip. 

 

If we drive, I will have to take time off of work.  I had thought of just flying.  Of course, it is the holidays, so plane tickets are extra expensive.  It will be $700 for the flight and I haven't looked at a car rental yet.  I can do Lyft too, but I usually get a car as it is not that much more. I need to look I guess.

I am just so tired.  I haven't had any down time in months.  

I guess I can see how she is this next week and then decide.  I want to be here on Christmas Day.  I have been away on Christmas a couple of times over the years and don't being away on Christmas Day.

[DawnM]

She singed a DNR to relive no resuscitation of any kind.  No IVs, no tubes, nothing other than oxygen on her face if needed.  

[mommyoffive]

Lots of hugs.  I don't think there is a right answer on this.   I don't think that she knows when she is going to die.   It sounds like you want to be home for the next 10 days so go with that for now.    I hope that you are able to get some rest too.  It seems so hard to take time for ourselves because life is so busy.  

[maize]

28 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

If we drive, I will have to take time off of work.  I had thought of just flying.  Of course, it is the holidays, so plane tickets are extra expensive.  It will be $700 for the flight and I haven't looked at a car rental yet.  I can do Lyft too, but I usually get a car as it is not that much more. I need to look I guess.

I am just so tired.  I haven't had any down time in months.  

I guess I can see how she is this next week and then decide.  I want to be here on Christmas Day.  I have been away on Christmas a couple of times over the years and don't being away on Christmas Day.

Maybe book a flight either out or back on a holiday? Those are usually cheaper. I've flown out on Christmas and back on New Year's.

If you flew how many days would you want to be there? Could you fly out on New Year's and back on Jan 5?

I am sorry the past few months have been so hard.

Edited December 15, 2019 by maize

[livetoread]

If she would be willing to have hospice get involved, they might be able to better say how close she might be, given their experience. However, it might not be possible for them to get involved without a terminal diagnosis. Maybe her doctor would be willing to give the okay?

[Carrie12345]

I’m so sorry. There is no easy answer.

We’ve had several relatives with repeated “this could be it” times, even with doctors and testing involved, and it is definitely stressful.  WIth more than one person, it has come down to consciously choosing a Last Visit and making peace with that.  In some cases, there has actually been more than one Last Visit because they’ve hung on for so long, but the purpose was still the same.

[HS Mom in NC]

Does answering the big 4 questions help clarify?

1. What's the best case scenario if you do?
2. What's the best case scenario if you don't?
3. What's the worst case scenario if you do?
4. What's the worst case scenario if you don't?

Whatever you do and whatever happens, remember that predicting the future is hard.  Don't beat yourself up if you fail to accurately predict the future. You can only make decisions based on the current factors and the information you have at the time, and those factors are often complex and the information limited. 

[J-rap]

That is tough, and it's too bad that practical issues have to enter in to stuff like this, but sometimes they do.  If you went out there for a visit and then she died a few days after you returned home, would you fly out again?  (For the funeral, etc.)  I assume you would.  When is the last time you saw her?  

[annandatje]

I would go. 

[katilac]

Are you already on Christmas break? I know it would weigh on my mind anyway, so I'd likely go. If possible, I would go alone ASAP this week for just a few days, then I'd be back with time to spare before Christmas and be able to just relax and enjoy myself. 

[Arctic Bunny]

I’m so sorry. For this and for everything else. At this point, I think you have to do what is best for you and will leave you with the least regrets, and let the rest go. Time for the cliche of putting on your own oxygen mask, you know?

[KungFuPanda]

Can you get them set up with Skype or FaceTime so you can have a conversation and see her without the holiday trip?i don’t know what you’d talk about in person that you couldn’t chat about over video.  Maybe you can find a bargain ticket after the holidays when you’ve had a chance to rest. 

[gardenmom5]

she's 89 (a lot of healthy people don't make 89.), symptoms are worsening.  do you want to be able to see her - alive- before she passes, or do you just want to be done and you'll go to her funeral?  is it a choice of one or the other?  what would you wish you had done a year from now?

[Anne]

No advice, just prayers - I’m so sorry, Dawn!!

 

Anne

[matrips]

Can you call her doctor and talk to him? Is there any possibility that the pain could be from heartburn?  Is she on any meds for indigestion/heartburn just to rule that out?

Also, going along with the others to think about involving hospice.  Doctors will often sign off on hospice once an elderly patient starts refusing treatments and tests.  Hospice has good experience in determining closeness to death and can give meds for her pain.  Just be careful they don’t over medicate and turn her into a zombie though.  They can get a bit heavy handed and insistent on the morphine ime. You might want to approve all meds, including dosages and frequency. Otherwise, she might never talk or wake up again.  This is from my experience with hospice. 😞  They were fine as long as I kept on top of them.  That will be hard from so far though.  

When is the last time you saw her? Are you content with that being the last visit?  Otherwise, maybe you want to make a last visit while she is still alive and conscience, and then know you won’t be back until the funeral.  My sister came to visit my mom with the knowledge it might be the last time.  It was another month before she died, but sis was okay because she knew that visit was likely the last and had peace with that. 

Hugs.

[PeterPan]

Does anyone with her at least have an ipad so you can facetime/skype with her? 

[PrincessMommy]

hugs.   I think your idea to wait another week is wise.    You've had a lot on your plate this season.  

[Scarlett]

So sorry Dawn.  I always error on the side of going.  89 is quite elderly. Things can go south very rapidly at that age.  

On the other hand, you can only do so much.  

[prairiewindmomma]

May you find peace in whatever you decide.

[Lanny]

Because of her age, 89, I would try to go.  I am not sure if they serve your Origin and Destination airports, but I would check the SPIRIT web site and also that of Southwest. There are occasional days, when I see SPIRIT has a very low basic fare from our home airport in Colombia, to where DD is in NC. Most days now, yes, the fares are very high, but if you have some flexibility in your dates, possibly you can go to see her without breaking the bank.  On SPIRIT, they show on the web site, the basic fare for the passenger and what can fit under the seat in front of them. For the route from our home airport to where DD is in NC now, that is ranging from about $193 USD to about $1026 USD, one way. Supply and demand... Possibly spend a few minutes looking at different dates on SPIRIT and on Southwest.

The issue I see is that if you do not go to visit your Mother and she passes away, you are probably going to feel really bad that you didn't visit her when she was alive and knew that you had come to visit her. After she is gone, you cannot visit with her.

Sorry that you have had this added to your list of issues to cope with. Remember to take care of yourself...

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, matrips said:

Can you call her doctor and talk to him? Is there any possibility that the pain could be from heartburn?  Is she on any meds for indigestion/heartburn just to rule that out?

Also, going along with the others to think about involving hospice.  Doctors will often sign off on hospice once an elderly patient starts refusing treatments and tests.  Hospice has good experience in determining closeness to death and can give meds for her pain.  Just be careful they don’t over medicate and turn her into a zombie though.  They can get a bit heavy handed and insistent on the morphine ime. You might want to approve all meds, including dosages and frequency. Otherwise, she might never talk or wake up again.  This is from my experience with hospice. 😞  They were fine as long as I kept on top of them.  That will be hard from so far though.  

When is the last time you saw her? Are you content with that being the last visit?  Otherwise, maybe you want to make a last visit while she is still alive and conscience, and then know you won’t be back until the funeral.  My sister came to visit my mom with the knowledge it might be the last time.  It was another month before she died, but sis was okay because she knew that visit was likely the last and had peace with that. 

Hugs.

 

She has already been diagnosed with a bad heart (angina) several years ago, it really has been just a matter of time.

I saw her this past summer, a few months ago.  

She is on several meds, including pain meds, but I think she is actually at the point of asking for morphine.

My dad is a doctor, he has her meds managed as best he can, but doctors are not allowed to get narcotics for their own immediate family members, so he can only do so much.  And, of course, he has no machines to hook her up to for further tests.

I firmly believe the only reason she has lived as long as she has is because she is married to my dad.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

Does anyone with her at least have an ipad so you can facetime/skype with her? 

 

No.  My parents are rather antiquated in their electronic usage.

[Pen]

I personally wouldn’t go right now.

Can someone in their area help with FaceTime or similar?  

Can she at least talk on regular phone? 

[Shoeless]

Has your dad offered any guidance on what you should do? Does he need you there? If you don't go, will that negatively impact your relationship with your dad? 

I have some regrets about not seeing my grandfather before he died. I'd gotten several "Pop is dying" messages over the years.  I was 1,000 miles away.  The last message came from my 20 year old sister and not my father, so I totally dismissed it.  From sister, it was "Everything is terrible".  From Dad it was "Whatever you want to do, pumpkin!".  Grandpa died a week later and my sister is still angry with me 15 years later.  I feel bad, although I don't think I could have afforded to both see Pop and go to the funeral, so whatever I did, someone was going to be mad. 

If you can afford to fly out now, I would try to go.  Even if you are just there for an overnight trip, try to go. 

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Seasider too said:

 

All the more reason to consider Hospice. Your dad can give informed consent, but he will be relieved of the responsibility. Our hospice experience (twice now) was wonderful, but if you are worried about abuse of opioids, your dad’s participation should help prevent that. 

 

They are looking into hospice.

No, I am not worried about abuse of opioids.  I am not sure where you got that, did I say something that made you believe I was?

Edited December 15, 2019 by DawnM

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

I personally wouldn’t go right now.

Can someone in their area help with FaceTime or similar?  

Can she at least talk on regular phone? 

 

Yes, we talk on the phone.

I don't know if anyone has FaceTime there.

[Pen]

Just now, DawnM said:

 

Yes, we talk on the phone.

I don't know if anyone has FaceTime there.

 

Where is “there”?   

[DawnM]

51 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Has your dad offered any guidance on what you should do? Does he need you there? If you don't go, will that negatively impact your relationship with your dad? 

No, he says there is no way to know (as does her doctor she went to Mon) without an actual battery of tests for a full diagnosis/prognosis.  And no, it won't impact our relationship.

51 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

I have some regrets about not seeing my grandfather before he died. I'd gotten several "Pop is dying" messages over the years.  I was 1,000 miles away.  The last message came from my 20 year old sister and not my father, so I totally dismissed it.  From sister, it was "Everything is terrible".  From Dad it was "Whatever you want to do, pumpkin!".  Grandpa died a week later and my sister is still angry with me 15 years later.  I feel bad, although I don't think I could have afforded to both see Pop and go to the funeral, so whatever I did, someone was going to be mad. 

If you can afford to fly out now, I would try to go.  Even if you are just there for an overnight trip, try to go. 

 

[DawnM]

Just now, Pen said:

 

Where is “there”?   

 

I have already said they live 2500 miles away.  "There" is where they live.  

[DawnM]

Thanks all, for the sympathy.

I am thinking through all of it, I know my work would be ok with me going anytime if necessary, although I hate to take time off work if it isn't necessary, but it may be.  I have been very careful with sick days for the years I have been back so that I could use them for things like this.

 

[Pen]

45 minutes ago, DawnM said:

 

I have already said they live 2500 miles away.  "There" is where they live.  

 

Many places have people who can help seniors (or non seniors) with things like setting up electronics communications — for a lot less money than and probably less stress than cross country air fare and holiday travel is likely to be. 

But I can understand that they may be in a spot without such being possible .  

We only had dial-up available until a few months ago, so things like Skype or FT were impossible.  While otoh someone I know in a remote rural island backwater in Europe has had Skype available for a long time. 

[Janeway]

I think you should go see her.

[Ottakee]

Yes to Hospice.

[catz]

I think if hospice gets involved you may have a clearer picture.

As someone who has a friend that lost a young adult son unexpectedly not long ago, if creating holiday memories at home with your young adults right now feels important to you, I think that is fair.  None of us really know how many days we have left.  I'd just stay in close contact as you are able.  

My father lived with heart disease for 18 years (after originally being given <5).  He collapsed and died suddenly.  Within days of hiking and golfing and enjoying life.  So I think even doctors don't know everything when it comes to heart disease.  

[Jaybee]

Dh and I have elderly parents, and we live quite a distance from them. We simply cannot go see them as often as we would like, and have to balance other life situations as well. I have personally come to realize that there will be one time that will be the last, and there is no way of knowing when that can be. So I go see my mom when I can, which is not often, call her every week, and try to let her know how much she means to me. That is my way of trying to avoid any guilt over circumstances I cannot control. It sounds like you are beat (and have been for awhile). Perhaps rest at home with your immediate family is what is needed right now, with periodic calls to your parents in the meantime. It's not an easy decision to make, though.

[mominco]

(((hugs))) DawnM