reasonable to expect almost 14 yo to get themselves up in morning?

[caedmyn]

Is it reasonable to expect an almost 14 YO to be responsible to get themselves up in the morning?  This is an endless struggle with my DD.  I'd like her to get up around 7 so she has time to get herself ready for the day, take care of her cat, and do a morning chore before breakfast at 8:30 (she's slow, so she needs a lot of margin).  She goes to bed between 9 & 9:30 so I think she gets a reasonable amount of sleep.  But she has a string of excuses as to why she didn't get herself up--she lost her alarm clock, the cat knocked it off wherever she put it and the time went out, she forgot to set the alarm on her tablet (which is supposed to be set to go off automatically every weekday so I'm not even sure why this is an issue), she didn't hear the alarm, she was tired so she turned off the alarm and fell back asleep, and on and on.  I really need her to take responsibility for getting herself up so I don't have yet another thing to remember and stay on top of every morning.  If it is reasonable to expect this, what can I do to actually enforce this?

[HomeAgain]

What do you do when she doesn't?


My kids get two options in their teens:
1. I'm in a nice mood and blast super fun music right outside their door: Aqua, Fritz & The Tantrums, and Lion King (complete with my sing along enhancement) are all great choices that make me happy and dancy and I don't care how they feel.
2. I do nothing.  I go about my day.  I take no responsibility for getting them up or making sure they're on time for anything outside the house.

[Tanaqui]

Does she have to go somewhere in the morning, like school?

Many teens have trouble getting up at 7, no matter how well-intentioned, because their internal clocks are set to a later time. Their bodies are still producing lots of melatonin when the larks of the world are rising and shining. If she doesn't have to be out the door by 9am, why not have her get up later, say at 8, and take care of her cat and do her morning chore after breakfast? (And you know, she might not be as slow if she has less time. My younger one chose to go to a school that starts at 8 and is a good 90 minutes from the house. Her plan is to wake up at 5 to leave at 6:30, but thus far I've fallen out of bed and shook her awake at 5:45, at 6, at 6:20, and once at 7:10 (!!!) and despite generally being really slow to get moving, it turns out that when she's highly motivated she can throw on some clothes and rush out the door in 10 minutes flat.)

Edit: Yes, if she wakes up earlier it may make sense to make her bedtime a little later. It's also possible that she's going to bed but not sleeping because she isn't sleepy yet at 9pm. Instead of lying in bed trying to sleep it might make sense for her to just go to bed when she's tired. Or, if she's going through a last growth spurt, she might really just need a lot more sleep than you think.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Guest]

It’s reasonable to expect, yes. Mine has to get himself up at 5:45, shower, dress, pack his lunch, eat his breakfast and brush his teach in order to go to school at 6:45. My son is a little older, but he was responsible for getting himself up for work this past summer as well. 

Personally I would not accept excuses. I would arrive in her room at 7:01 and tell her it’s time to get up. I wouldn’t let her sleep and accept some dumb excuse when she finally does get up. I would make it my job to get her up until she accepts this is her wake-up time and then I would make it her job to get herself up. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

  I mean, any 14 yr old who has to be at school by XYZ time should be able to get themselves together for school.  (that doesn't mean that they all do, but rather that it's not an unreasonable expectation for a 14 yr old.

 

Of course, we should bear in mind that studies over the past several decades have consistently shown that later start times in high school are associated with better grades and more learning.

[catz]

7:30 is wake up time here.   No option really.  My 15 yo daughter does a lot of afternoon/evening stuff and we just need to get rolling to get stuff done.  She is TERRIBLE.  So full of excuses.   🙄  Our room is right next to hers so I now just set my alarm for her.  It won't stop until she gets up and turns it off and I crank it.  LOL.  Could you set a really loud and annoying alarm right outside her door?  

ETA - and no I don't think it's unreasonable.  But I don't think sleeping through is uncommon either.   

Edited October 7, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Unfortunately, our society just doesn't work that way and even if it did, generally, a high school age student should be able to actually prepare themselves for a day within the society we live within, even if it's not the most ideal situation for their own teenage body.  

 

If our society works in a way that is bad for a huge portion of the population, then our society should change. At any rate, if the OP's daughter doesn't have any obligations that require her to be in a certain place in the mornings then she doesn't need to adapt to society or the other way around - she just needs to work with her family to come up with a solution that's mutually amenable to all parties.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Tanaqui

[Catwoman]

Am I the only one who is amazed that a 14yo is in bed every night by 9 or 9:30? 😉

Is she actually going to sleep that early, or is she messing around on her phone or her iPad for several hours after that? (I only ask because she shouldn’t be that tired every morning if she’s getting 10 or more hours of sleep every night.)

Edited October 7, 2019 by Catwoman

[Tanaqui]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Am I the only one who is amazed that a 14yo is in bed every night by 9 or 9:30? 😉

 

That's my kid. She's in bed by 10 at the latest, in the hopes of waking up at 5am and having time to shower and eat breakfast and dither over her clothes in the morning.

But she's always been much more of a morning person than literally anybody else in this family. I would have much more strongly discouraged this school if I thought she was too optimistic about her capabilities.

[happi duck]

I am a responsible, intelligent adult...I swear.

However, I have never, ever been good about waking myself.  When I must wake on my own I set several alarms including the kitchen stove so I need to walk across the house.

When I must wake myself I also sleep very lightly and wake severals times with a start, afraid I've overslept.  It's exhausting.

For me, it is not reasonable to expect me to be able to keep that up day after day.

[cjzimmer1]

For people who are naturally inclined morning people, this seems a completely reasonable expectation.  For people who are naturally night owls, your daughter's response is a completely reasonable reaction.

Now in my mid 40's I can actually get myself up before 8 without walking around like a zombie for an hour or two.  At 13 not a chance.  I do agree that having a reason to get up has made it a little more doable for my kids but mom wanting it to be so, definitely doesn't qualify as a reason. More like a specific event they are looking forward to, they would never be able to function that early day after day.  Even my 21 year old can't manage it.  So he has job where he can work as late as he wants/needs to get his required hours in for the week.  But occasionally he needs to get up for school and I yes, I have to wake him up.

SO yeah I think you need to just keep planning on this being your thing for a while yet.

[gardenmom5]

perfectly reasonable.  I was getting myself up and off to school  (incl. cold cereal for breakfast) by myself when I was 12.  I was probably average as a teen.  I walked nearly two miles - in the rain (it is Washington).

dudeling won't - but it's more because he doesn't want to, not that he isn't capable.

 

an alarm clock.  put it on a chest of drawers across the room - then she has to actually get up to shut it off.  there are also novelty alarm clocks.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

In regards to "society should change."   Well sure.  But "should" and "will" are two different things.    

In regards to a 14 yr old, if we presume that the OP's child isn't attending any classes outside of home and absolutely no one in the family has any sort of similar obligation, sure.  However, the OP's kid exists in a home and unless the entire family spend most hours of every day in their own home, with no sports practices, no outside classes, no teen kids with jobs to worry about, etc etc etc....then the entire family has to exist within the society we live in.  When a person lives within a household, everyone's schedule affects everyone else's schedule and "society" affects all of that.  Which is why even teens who might not be directly affected through something like an outside class are still affected by "society."

I agree. I personally hate that public school requires such an early start time. It was literally one of the reasons my other two kids went to private school. 

But. Very few adults get to do exactly what is the perfect ideal for their bodies and their inborn tendencies. I’ve known kids who were practically vampires but when they got a job in the “real world,” they had to adjust.

I think it is important to get *enough* sleep, but I also think it is important to place reasonable expectation on teens, like being responsible for consistently getting themselves up and prepared for the day. 

[gardenmom5]

35 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

Of course, we should bear in mind that studies over the past several decades have consistently shown that later start times in high school are associated with better grades and more learning.

kids just stay up later.

[Arctic Bunny]

I am guessing that there is a totally different sense of panic between:

a) realizing you are about to be late for the bus to get to school/work, and;

b) hearing the alarm go off and thinking you should get up to clean the litter box.

It is the panic and fear that got my butt out of bed and out the door as a teenager. Oh wait. Sometimes it still is!

[Arcadia]

I don’t think it is reasonable unless the person is (a) a light sleeper or won’t sleep through alarm clocks (b) used to waking up at that time.

I wake up at 6am because I have to and have been doing that since 2003. The first thing I do is drink a big mug of black coffee (like 600ml/20ounces) to keep awake. I am a night owl.
My husband wakes up at 7am daily because it’s his habit since college. However he would fall back asleep if he doesn’t get out of bed.

DS13 is a morning person but he would fall back asleep sometimes if he doesn’t get out of bed. DS14 is a night owl and sleeps through alarms including fire alarms. He has to be woken up by one of us and he sometimes need a cup of coffee after breakfast to be fully awake.

When I was staying in the university dorm, we would write our exam time and room number on the white boards next to the stair landings. Someone would make sure we are awake and not late for our exams.  The youngest was 17 and the oldest was 26, it was a nice gesture to help everyone regardless of age be on time for their finals.

If you want your daughter to wake up at 7am daily, wake her up everyday at 7am and make sure she gets out of bed. It would take maybe months before it becomes her habit and she doesn’t need you to get her out of bed at 7am.

[prairiewindmomma]

2 minutes ago, arctic_bunny said:

I am guessing that there is a totally different sense of panic between:

a) realizing you are about to be late for the bus to get to school/work, and;

b) hearing the alarm go off and thinking you should get up to clean the litter box.

It is the panic and fear that got my butt out of bed and out the door as a teenager. Oh wait. Sometimes it still is!

Yes, this. It's amazing how many of my dc's children's problems getting up and going in the morning resolved when we had a firm place and time to be early in the morning. 

I am from a long, long line of night owls. There are times when we can shift life to accommodate us, and times when we must cope. I have a 8pm bedtime currently because I need that to wake before 6am and function in the morning. 

If this is your hill to die on, caedmyn, I would shift my focus to look at things from an encouraging point of view (this is a skill she needs to develop) rather than a punitive one (what stick should I use to make her comply) and look at 1. setting a series of alarms for her so she knows time is passing before she comes out of her fog, 2. using caffeine if ADD meds aren't on the table, and 3. coming up with a reward system that works for you and her.  My kids 17, 14, and 11 get themselves up and going (with an occasional rescue nudge from me) but it has taken us a while to get there. Being on time comes naturally only to my 11 yo. With the others we've had to work hard at it. 

The two most helpful things we've done:

1. 1:1 one day with the kid, with no interruptions, using a timer to see how long the morning routine actually took

2. Setting alarms to go off every 15 minutes to keep the kid on track. The first 15 minutes--waking, gathering stuff for shower, 2nd 15 minutes--showering, sharing, and dressing, 3rd 15 minutes--breakfast, 4th 15 minutes--the odds and ends to finish prepping for the day (most of this is done the night before)....

[katilac]

Does she get up when you wake her up? I mean, yes, it's reasonable to expect her to get herself up, you're not some crazy person, lol, but I'd consider whether it's worth putting your energy into it. If I was awake anyway, I had no problem waking my kids up.  

Full disclosure, though: I'm another one of those people who prefer to have someone wake me up, lol. My college roommates would watch me struggle with the alarm clock for a while and then go, nah, I'm going to just wake you up 😄

Do you not wake the other kids? I used to open their door and say good morning when I got up on my first alarm, let them hear the noises of the house and such and kind of ease into it. Then tell them it's actually time to get up when the second alarm went off. We have a small house, so it wasn't like I was trekking up the stairs or anything. 

 

 

[Arctic Bunny]

11 minutes ago, katilac said:

Does she get up when you wake her up? I mean, yes, it's reasonable to expect her to get herself up, you're not some crazy person, lol, but I'd consider whether it's worth putting your energy into it. If I was awake anyway, I had no problem waking my kids up.  

Full disclosure, though: I'm another one of those people who prefer to have someone wake me up, lol. My college roommates would watch me struggle with the alarm clock for a while and then go, nah, I'm going to just wake you up 😄

Do you not wake the other kids? I used to open their door and say good morning when I got up on my first alarm, let them hear the noises of the house and such and kind of ease into it. Then tell them it's actually time to get up when the second alarm went off. We have a small house, so it wasn't like I was trekking up the stairs or anything. 

 

 

Yes... My mom woke me up every morning at 6:30 for breakfast. I was a 20 minute walk from school, and it started at 9. It took me yeeeeears of yelling, turning my bedroom light on, yelling, me trudging downstairs and eating in silence (if you don’t have anything nice to say....), going back up to bed.... until I was in high school that was a 10 minute walk and started at 8:30. Then she left me to my own devices. I was never late for school. I skipped eating breakfast a couple of times, definitely jogged a bit, and probably rolled out of bed at 8.

Knowing how much I hated every school morning of my childhood.... I don’t yell at the kids in the morning. One prefers to be woken by me saying his name from the door, the other prefers a sit on the bed and cuddle or have a chat to make sure he’s fully awake. When he has to get himself up, he has his brother wake him on his way out the door and 7:20, has a backup alarm for 7:30, etc. My hard to get up one knows the risks of running to the bus stop and not getting breakfast!

[Gil]

Assuming we're talking about an able-bodied, child with no extraordinary situations: Yes, it is reasonable to expect a 10 yo to wake up to the alarm and get themselves ready in the morning. I have that expectation for my 10yos. I sure as hell expect them to retain the ability while they're 13yo. OP, I can understand your frustration with the situation entirely. But I urge you to figure out what you are dealing with.

Is she willing to get up at 7:00, but struggling to gain wakeful consciousness and get out of bed?

If she is willing, but needs scaffolding and support, I'd give her scaffolding and support. Any time I'm teaching a skill or habit--even if it's something I feel shouldn't "have to be taught"--I teach it according to the learner. Some kids need scaffolding and support for the most ridiculous seeming things. *shrug*. Teach the kid in front of you, not the one you think the kid in front of you ought to be. IF she were being willfully defiant/lazy/uncooperative about getting up, I'd go another way with the situation entirely.

[Tanaqui]

59 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

kids just stay up later.

 

NO THEY DO NOT. Everybody says this, but the data does NOT bear that out. Kids do NOT "just stay up later". They wake up on time and their grades and learning improve. You making snarky comments does not alter the actual facts of the matter. And I promise you, you will not be able to find a single study that backs up your comment.

Quote

In regards to "society should change."   Well sure.  But "should" and "will" are two different things.    

 

Sure, if you're going to fatalistically assume things can't improve.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Tanaqui

[katilac]

2 minutes ago, Gil said:

I sure as hell expect them to retain the ability while they're 13yo.   

You expect them to retain previously mastered skills as they enter their teens? You're gonna be so disappointed 😂

[Annie G]

I think it’s reasonable.  I trust that when you say she’s making excuses that it’s true- they are excuses and not valid reasons like executive function issues. 

You make expectations clear (maybe let her choose wake up time as long as your expectations are met by your designated time to start school), give time to practice the routine, and implement consequences if she doesn’t follow through.

Edited October 7, 2019 by Annie G

[Paige]

It's reasonable to expect a generic 14yr old to get up. Many do. I have 2 that wake themselves, I woke myself as a kid, and I have another who is almost always reliable at 12. However, your daughter is an individual and she's letting you know she's having a hard time. It's also perfectly normal for teens to really struggle with waking in the morning, so it's not an unusual struggle. My 18 yr old struggles and my brother and mom had a hard time well into adulthood.

Since you homeschool, you have flexibility. I would work with her to come up with a solution that works for you both. You can consider changing her schedule if you are able to allow her a later start. You could ask her what she thinks would help and help her to implement it. Or just wake her every morning and deal with learning to habits later. In my experience telling kids to get it together and fix the problem themselves doesn't work well. I've tried and failed with that more than I care to admit.

[RootAnn]

I haven't read the replies yet but I wanted to say that my hard-to-wake kid almost always got herself up Senior year. She overslept a few times.

She's almost 18 now & in college & now gets herself up all by herself... as far as I know. :)

[Lori D.]

I was a responsible teen, but I have NEVER been a morning person. I did have an alarm clock in high school, set for 6:30am so I could be out the door walking to school by 7:30am, but it still took my mom coming in 2-3 times, because I just physically could not get my head waked up at that time. Perhaps your DD is similar. If that is the case, I'd be tempted to work WITH her later body rhythm, and push back her school schedule and your morning expectation of her -- let her do some of the school work in the evening, or do the chores in the evening, for example.

Another possibility is that she is not getting sound/deep sleep in all those hours each night -- her body may not naturally produce enough melatonin. Or, her room is too bright which prevents deep sleep. Or she is having screen time (phone, computer, TV, tablet), too close to going to bed and her brain is still firing from the visual stimulation of the light of the screen. (Those triggered cells can still firing away in the brain for up to 2 hours after stopping screen use.) So there may be a physical reason behind her difficulty of getting up in the morning that needs to be addressed.

Sometimes, just getting waked up at the wrong part of the sleep cycle is the problem for being able to wake up easily. Having to be alert quickly after being awakened out of very deep sleep part of a sleep cycle, or out of the dreaming part of the cycle, can be very difficult. Shifting the bedtime forward or backward by 30-60 minutes might shift her sleep cycle enough that when her alarm goes off at 7am, she's in the light part of the cycle and waking up comes easier.

Or, perhaps she is dealing with depression, which causes over-sleeping and never feeling rested, and having an extremely difficult time rousing, getting up, and pushing forward into the day. Depression often is triggered by the hormonal and body changes of in young teens. So there may be a mental health issue that needs to be addressed -- with any number of possible factors that may not be in balance, such as: regular aerobic exercise, nutrition, amount of sunlight hours, vitamin deficiency (like vitamin D, or the B complex), nutrition, supplements, counseling, or even meds. Again, I can now see that this was also me -- I was having long bouts of depression starting when I was 13-14 years old -- sadly, not diagnosed and dealt with until I was over 30.

If any of those last reasons are the cause, then trying to enforce consequences or be punitive is not only NOT going to get to the root issue and fix it, there's a good chance it will make relationships deteriorate.

Just throwing in some alternative ideas, to help get to the root of what's going on, and from there, what would help. BEST of luck! Warmly, Lori D.

Edited October 8, 2019 by Lori D.

[LMD]

My 14 year old still needs to be prodded awake with a barge pole, from behind safety glass, at ridiculously-late-o'clock... I can't blame her, I'm a night owl and would muuuuuch rather still be asleep too!

Sorry! #nothelpful

Edited October 8, 2019 by LMD

[RootAnn]

I should note that it was helpful that her senior year, she didn't have super early classes. In college, her earliest class starts after 9.

[May]

When our daughter started school, she hated to get up. After I started homeschooling her in 4th grade, the pattern continued. Finally, I just stopped reminding her to set her alarm or knocking on her door to wake her up. One day, she slept until 9:30am. As a result her day started late and she didn’t finish her school work until much later. She complained the whole day about how I didn’t wake her up. That night, she asked me to wake her and I said “no.” This happened a few days but she finally figured out it was her responsibility. Problem solved and as an adult, she’s still not a morning person but when she needs to be up for something, she is🌺 Hope you find what works for your daughter..

Edited October 8, 2019 by May
Spelling

[Murphy101]

Yes. I don’t think anyone likes getting up before their body wants to. But such is life and learning to cope and adapt is an important life skill. 

All my kids under 17 are in bed by 10 most nights.  Everyone gets up at 7:30. We may not look stage ready, but they are up dressed, fed, maybe a chore or two done, then out the door by 8:15 to make daily mass. 

I get up at 5am and if I’m not home by 7:30, the teens get themselves and the younger 3 up and ready without my help so that we can still make mass.

I don’t know anyone that sets an alarm for any time they want to get up. We set alarms bc we know it’s not a preferred natural wake up time but we have things to do in life that make it a good plan to set an alarm. 

[Terabith]

My kids are massive night owls.  Like, even when they were toddlers, I would have to wake them up to get places at 11 am.  Whenever she's left to her own devices, like in the summer, my oldest completely reverses night and day.  My husband and I are both also night owls.  The combination of die hard night owlness and the need for a lot of sleep was a major reason we homeschooled until the age of ten.  My kids don't LIKE getting themselves up and ready on their own, but they can and have.  When I was student teaching last semester, they were responsible for getting themselves up and to the bus stop.  Granted, our local schools are civilized in the fact that middle and high schools start at 8:40 am and buses come at 8 am and 8:15 am.  But, I think lots of kids have to do that kind of stuff.  

[PeterPan]

4 hours ago, caedmyn said:

She goes to bed between 9 & 9:30 so I think she gets a reasonable amount of sleep.

My dd has always needed more sleep and rises very slowly. Her sleep needs are still high, even in college, even with ADHD meds, but she maybe rises a little better. She gets exhausted and ends up needing to sleep a lot on the weekends.

So no, you can't necessarily assume she's getting enough sleep, especially if there is more going on. When she has a reason to get up, she'll get up. Getting up for homeschooling isn't very motivating.

[Pen]

3 hours ago, arctic_bunny said:

I am guessing that there is a totally different sense of panic between:

a) realizing you are about to be late for the bus to get to school/work, and;

b) hearing the alarm go off and thinking you should get up to clean the litter box.

It is the panic and fear that got my butt out of bed and out the door as a teenager. Oh wait. Sometimes it still is!

 

🤣

Yup.  My teen has been getting up earlier than that as needed to catch bus to school with rare misses.

But there aren’t any early morning clean litter box like things to do.

Just personal getting ready, eating, and going etc, usually.  Sometimes last minute talk time.  Sometimes permission slips to sign which I do my best with though I’d prefer them day before.

We have an incredibly loud obnoxious 2 alarms alarm clock kept outside bedrooms so it can’t be easily turned off without standing up and walking.  It goes off at around 6:20 (good time to get up) then again at 6:43 (still possible not to miss bus).  If I haven’t noticed action by 7, I will say something or check.  I often get up at 5 something to turn on heat so that it’s easier to get up at 6:30ish.  

Getting up for bus for brick school has been easier than for homeschooling or homeschool co-op. 

Edited October 8, 2019 by Pen

[Katy]

If homeschooling I'd let her sleep as late as she wants, but if her work isn't done by whatever time you give her when she's got X (whatever X is... practice, playing with friends, screen time, etc), then she's not getting it that day.  I wouldn't spring that on her either, I'd set it up for 2+ weeks.

If she's in school and you need her functional before leaving I'd move breakfast back to within 10 minutes of waking her up for a few weeks, and then have her immediately go for a walk outside (whether permitting).  This is because the fastest way to adjust to jetlag or switching shifts is to indicate to your body you need to be awake by eating (esp protein), and by getting exercise in morning sunlight.

[Chris in VA]

Probably reasonable. But I have to say I woke all my children at that age, and some beyond. I wanted their days to start gently and with kindness. I know it sounds sappy. There was so much about our household that was stressful; I wanted to be the cause of one kind practice, one thing in my control, so that for one moment of the day, they had gentleness and positivity and reassurance that there was goodness and hope in the new day. So I woke them every morning. 

My goodness, that is sappy! 

Edited October 8, 2019 by Chris in VA

[Pen]

26 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

Probably reasonable. But I have to say I woke all my children at that age, and some beyond. I wanted their days to start gently and with kindness. I know it sounds sappy. There was so much about our household that was stressful; I wanted to be the cause of one kind practice, one thing in my control, so that for one moment of the day, they had gentleness and positivity and reassurance that there was goodness and hope in the new day. So I woke them every morning. 

My goodness, that is sappy! 

 

Awww!  I love that!

 

[rebcoola]

Maybe I don’t think that would work here.  Oldest dd turns 13 this month and on Wednesday when she has her outside classes she gets herself and walk to school independently.  But she gets up as late as possible, has her stuff ready the night before, showers the night before and just grabs a bar or something.  She gets up at 8 to be there at 9.   The rest of the week she gets up when she wants and does her work chores more or less when she pleases.

[Ali in OR]

For me, one of the perks of homeschooling was that my kids could sleep when their bodies told them to sleep. My youngest especially didn't get her growth spurt until 12-13, was very active with soccer and running year round, and just needed her sleep. But it didn't have a negative impact on anyone else to just sleep and get school going around 9:00. Both girls figured out how to get up when they started public high school.

[Lori D.]

🙂

Edited October 8, 2019 by Lori D.

[Frances]

If she absolutely has to be at breakfast at 8:30 am, I’d leave it up to her what time she actually gets up in order to meet that goal. Given her age, I’d also allow her more autonomy over when to do her chores and cat care, as long as they get done. If she’s taking the responsibility to get herself up and to breakfast on time and getting her work and chores done, then she gets the privilege of more control over her schedule. Since she’s a teenager and several years older then the group of younger children, she may respond well to having more autonomy. I’d discuss it with her and see what she thinks.

This is all assuming this will work with the schedule of the rest of the family.

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

 

NO THEY DO NOT.  

my son does.  even though I've sent him to bed - he uses it as an excuse.  I have kids who've talked with their classmates about what they did with later start time  - they felt no pressure to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and ended up staying up later too.

[gardenmom5]

7 hours ago, Patty Joanna said:

What's in it for her? 

I'm asking as one that had this issue with my son, and he still has it as an adult.  It helps somewhat that there is something in it for him...somewhat.  But it was a constant source of frustration for me, and I don't think I handled it very well.

One thing that helped my ds was to get one of those alarms that gradually brings the room up to full light.  (He actually used programmable lightbulbs, not an alarm...). In the PNW, the swing between sunrise in summer and winter is 4 hours, so it is easier to get up in the summer than in the winter--for everyone.  If you are at a high latitude, you might bear this option in mind.  It might also help with the transition required for your daughter to have the room gradually brightening.  

All I know is that exasperation on my part did nothing at all to help.

and from thanksgiving to the end of January are  . . . . . the dark times.....  

get up and out the door in the dark, and if you stay late - you come home just before dusk, or as it's getting dark.....

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Chris in VA said:

Probably reasonable. But I have to say I woke all my children at that age, and some beyond. I wanted their days to start gently and with kindness. I know it sounds sappy. There was so much about our household that was stressful; I wanted to be the cause of one kind practice, one thing in my control, so that for one moment of the day, they had gentleness and positivity and reassurance that there was goodness and hope in the new day. So I woke them every morning. 

My goodness, that is sappy! 

I did do this with my two older kids for the same reason. I also packed their lunches. With youngest ds, I decided to go more for self-sufficiency since I knew I would be looking for employment and I didn’t know what that would mean for my leaving time. I figured it was better to just use the self-sufficient strategy from day one. 

I did make him waffles this morning at 5:45 because he specially requested last night. He has the latest lunch period today and wanted a good breakfast. 

[Soror]

With my hs'ing kids I always let them sleep until they woke naturally, assuming we still had to get things done by 3 pm or so. If they start waking later than works I have them go to bed earlier.

My ds started school last year at newly 14 and I started working, so I wake him up between classes(I just have a few minutes so no time for repeated wakings he has to get up the first time) but he is on his own after that as I have to teach. Surprisingly he gets up and gets going and gets himself out the door and is yet to miss the bus (knock on wood). I wake him at 5:30. 

Some kids will do better than others. I'd try to compromise and give her some time to sleep in unless there is a specific reason why she needs up at that time.

[RootAnn]

My other four kids get themselves up anywhere between 6 and 7:15 unless they stayed up late, are sick, or need more sleep that morning for some reason.

I need extra sleep vs. some people. Certain of my kids are like that, too. I have teens who put themselves to bed at 8 or 8:30 every night. They are also my early risers. But they need 9-10 hours of sleep to be rested. That was me, too. (And why I'm never rested anymore. Sigh.)

Different strokes for different folks.

[Another Lynn]

Expecting my kids to get themselves up early for the purpose of completing certain chores would never have worked here.  But then I don't put my own chores and responsibilities on a particular schedule so it would have felt hypocritical to expect it of them.  Generally, some of our kids have an easier time shifting to their own alarm than others.  They do a good job of getting up early when they have to (i.e. outsourced classes).  I do make sure certain ones are up if their lateness would effect drive time for my teen driver.  

[Mbelle]

I went to a public high school that started at 7:25 and my bus came at 6:45.  I was up because I had to be, but I was not functioning until around 10AM.  I  just could not get to sleep until around 2 AM .  I was chronically sleep deprived and it really was an unpleasant time in my life.  

DH is the opposit he simply can not sleep past 6am and it is bafflign to him how we can all sleep! LOL  He also just simply does not need a lot of sleep.  5 hours is plenty for him.

I think we are all different and sure we can expect them to get up because I certainly did, but it was not good for me long term.  In college I scheduled all my classes no earlier than 9 but usally 10.  My Senior year I did have a class that started at 7:50, but I was a little older and learned some tricks.  I slept in my clothes and socks and had my shoes by my bed.  The alarm clock was across the room.

My ds is like me and if he absolutly has to be up early and he usually does on Saturdays fro XC he will wear his clothes to bed and keep shoes by his bed, but we do wake him up.

[caedmyn]

I think I will try letting her be responsible for getting herself up and ready, with the consequence of not getting to eat til after our family studies are done if she doesn’t finish her morning stuff by breakfast time, and see how this is working after a couple of weeks.  She dislikes missing breakfast.  She knows this is the consequence, but normally I check on her at least a couple times to remind her to get up and get moving.  It is a bit of a pain to have to check on her or wake her up because her bedroom is in the basement at the very back of our large house.  (Which bedroom she has is not flexible for a number of reasons.)  If that doesn’t work, maybe I can find a wall-mounted alarm clock that she (or the cat) can’t lose.

She is not responsible enough to get her work and chores done if left to do it on her own.  And it does not work for our family’s schedule for her to be sleeping later or doing her chores later in the morning.  She has early afternoon activities fairly often and needs to have most or all of her schoolwork done by 12:30 to accommodate those.  They all do math after dinner to make time to get everything else done in the morning.  It is very difficult to get her to do any remaining schoolwork or chores after afternoon activities, and requires a lot of reminding and monitoring on my part if it’s going to happen (and even then one or more things frequently don’t get finished).  She could have more freedom and flexibility if she were more responsible, but she’s not, so things have to be done on a schedule that works for me since I’m the one making sure they actually get done.

My other kids are normally up by 7:30 at the latest, usually closer to 7, so I rarely wake them up.  They also move a lot faster than she does in the morning so they don’t need to be up as early as she does.  The older 4 all have chores they’re required to do before breakfast.  The chores just don’t get done if they aren’t done before breakfast.

[caedmyn]

She could actually sleep til 8 if she’d get up and get moving.  She’s capable of getting ready, taking care of the cat, and doing her chore in 30 minutes, and she occasionally does.  But she prefers to lay in bed for 20 mins after waking up, daydream while getting dressed, putter around in her room, etc and so she has to get up a lot earlier if she wants to have time for a very slow start to the morning.

[Pen]

Just now, caedmyn said:

She could actually sleep til 8 if she’d get up and get moving.  She’s capable of getting ready, taking care of the cat, and doing her chore in 30 minutes, and she occasionally does.  But she prefers to lay in bed for 20 mins after waking up, daydream while getting dressed, putter around in her room, etc and so she has to get up a lot earlier if she wants to have time for a very slow start to the morning.

 

I may have people confused, but is this the cat (and cat litter box) related to a cat that bites scratches (particularly this same dd) and is destructive? 

Is it her own special beloved pet cat?